Beatrice Chestnut » Enneagram Paths Coaching

So & Sx Type Four: Graham Liddell & Maureen Turner

Posted on October 21, 2019October 21, 2019 by melissakircher

Hello, Ennea-peeps! Happy Monday and welcome back to Enneagram Paths to finish out the Type Four Subtype series. Last up is the Social (So) Type Four. We’ll hear from Graham Liddell about what it’s like for him to be a Social Four and then a bonus interview from Maureen Turner, a Sx Four. I’m so glad to have both of you on the blog!

As we’ve been delving into the Type Four Subtypes, Beatrice Chestnut has been the starting guide. Her book The Complete Enneagram is a comprehensive exploration into all 27 Subtypes. About the So Four she says, “[They can] get caught up in and identified with intense emotions to the extent that they can’t take action when it would be good for them to do so. They tend to be generous and do for others, but they do not take responsibility for their own lives… In public, Social Fours repress ‘frowned upon’ emotions like anger or hatred and may appear sweet, friendly, and soft—but in private, they may express the emotions they store up in social situations and become aggressive… A person with this Subtype may be competent, attractive, and intelligent, and yet still tend to focus on and identify strongly with suffering and a sense of deficiency.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

In all the Four subtypes, there is this push and pull dynamic at play. So interesting! I think it’s important to remind ourselves that our Types and Subtypes are nothing to feel shame about. Even if feeling shame is the Type’s issue! Type forms for all of us, it’s a specific set of survival skills that keep us safe for a long time—until it doesn’t anymore. Then we do the work to unearth all the motivations behind our Type, discovering that we’re just at the beginning of a long journey back home to our True Selves or Essence. The Type is held in love and the work is done lovingly, with self-acceptance.

Thanks, Graham, for being here and sharing with us your experiences as a Social Four.

Graham Liddell is a PhD candidate in Comparative Literature at the University of Michigan. He enjoys hiking, politics, folk music, indie films, and studying languages.

Twitter: @grahamliddell

1. What does it mean to you to be a Social Type Four?

I’ve always understood the concept of subtype as not necessarily indicating which instinct (Social, Sexual, Self-Preservation) is most dominant, but rather, it shows which instinct one has the most hang-ups. Case in point: as a Social Four, it’s very important for me to feel I belong in the groups I take part in, but that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily good at participating in groups in general. I think it’s a misconception that social types are typically the life of the party. I personally abhor parties, that is, unless they are relatively small and attended by close friends—or on a rare occasion, if I’m feeling extra-outgoing. Mostly, when I’m at a party, I find myself sitting in a corner grinding my teeth because I feel I should be socializing, and frustrated with myself for not being more charismatic in these situations. It’s not that I’m bad with strangers, but I do much better one-on-one and in small groups.

I understand being a Social Four in relation to my experience being bullied and excluded as a kid. I had a ton of one-on-one friendships, but in groups, my friends would often turn on me and put me down as a means for them to climb the social ladder. I struggled socially for most of elementary school and a bit of middle school. Throughout the years I was bullied, I kept these experiences almost entirely to myself. My parents didn’t know about it until I was in college. At the time, I thought it was my fault I was being bullied, and telling my parents would have been proof that the kinds of insults I was hearing from peers were true, i.e., that I was too sensitive, weak, a crybaby. In high school, I kind of came into my own, embracing my tendency towards melancholy by playing music and writing. I indulged in a bit of a (tame) rebellious phase, connecting with a few other semi-misfits who embraced me as one of their own.

2. How does the Social Instinct as a Four shade your need for belonging and membership within a larger group and community? Why does acquiring perceived belonging make you feel safe?

To me, being a Social four means being hyper-focused on the fairness of group situations (on a small scale, but also on a macro, political level). If I become convinced that whatever group I’m a part of is not operating fairly, I want to quit the group and critique it with cutting specificity. This isn’t necessarily the best way to go, and in healthier periods, I have taken part in efforts to reform groups from within. Accepting incremental change in a group I’m a part of is difficult for me since I feel that black marks on the group’s record reflect poorly on me. Of course, I’ve learned over the years that quitting with a sense of moral superiority not only leaves me lonely and isolated, but it’s also rather arrogant.

Why does perceived belonging make me feel safe? That’s a tough one. I suppose I enjoy feeling reassured regularly that I am okay, that I am not fundamentally lacking some basic trait or skill that makes me incapable of happiness and love. In undergrad, I lived with a group of best friends and trusted acquaintances for three years in a big, run-down house with an enclosed porch and a garden. These were the years in which I felt I belonged more than ever before. Since graduating six years ago, I have regularly struggled with the fact that I’m unlikely to belong to that particular type of community ever again. It was a specific, hippy-ish time in life. People move on and invest most of their energy into their romantic relationships and careers.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Social Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Social Four?

I have to be cautious not to spend too much time idealizing those college times (as I do in times of stress). I’ve been doing my best to attempt to cultivate new relationships and strengthen ties to the different communities I belong to now, even if they seem lackluster compared to “the good old days.” In times of health, as I mentioned before, I can appreciate the benefits afforded me by my various communities, and the good things accomplished by the groups themselves. The critical side of me can help me identify areas of potential improvement that open up opportunities for me to lead. In times of stress, I may simply complain about these issues or want to disassociate myself from them. But in times of integration, I can grasp the nuance of group situations—the details of all the positives and negatives—and appreciate the positives, to feel the impact of the negatives, to understand that nothing’s perfect, but push ahead with gentle attempts at reform, anyway. This is the equanimity that is the “bright side” of Type Four’s comfort with melancholy, according to Beatrice Chestnut. On a final note, getting into healthy daily routines—things that remain constant even as my social life fluctuates—has proven very helpful in keeping me on the integration side of things.

* * Bonus Sexual/One-On-One Four Interview! * *

Hi, my name is Maureen Ashley Turner, I am a balanced Type Four, Tritype 4-8-6, Sx, followed by Sp. I am the first generation of Mexican American for my family. I graduated college with a double major Biology, and Psychology. I consider myself an artist of all mediums. I consider myself an intensely passionate person. I am very Ride-or-Die, All-or-Nothing. I love being out in nature, going on hikes with my dog, gardening, kayaking, exercising, and going to the gym. I enjoy traveling and taking the scenic route. I love dressing up and fashion. I especially love Halloween.

Instagram: @MaureenAshleyTurner

Twitter: @MAshleyTurner

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

This Subtype can be mistyped with a Type Eight (another passionate and emotionally intense number) and appear more emotionally passionate, aggressive and extreme compared to the other Subtypes. I have been confused for an Eight several times by other numbers, but never by other Fours. I often hear that I am too much (something that passionate Fous’s and Eight’s are really used to hearing). I constantly want emotional intensity, in everything: life, romance, adventure, work, driving. It doesn’t matter. If there lacks intensity, life can feel very mundane and suffocatingly boring.

This Subtype is more direct, and it appears to have an absence of shame. When I try to think about my shame, it can be hard for me to address, especially when I am healthy, because I see myself more as “Competitive.” However, shame is much easier for me to see when I am upset. We see Sexual Fours as the “angry” Four. When someone close to me hurts me deeply, or when I face a situation where I feel that I can’t be heard or seen, this is when I recognize my shame. I now realize that I unconsciously turn my pain into anger, so I don’t have to feel my pain anymore. I tend to suffer by comparison.

When I was younger, my envy looked and appeared as straight-up ENVY. In High School, I was a very jealous type of person. I was envious of other people, their bodies, their sheer talent, their ability to be open, raw and themselves with others, how they dressed, how easy it was for them to make friends since I often felt outcast-ed. I wanted to be recognized by my peers, and in a way, I wanted to be the best and better than everyone else (I had a very stronggggg Three Wing then).

However, now that I am older, I’m not as envious of others’ appearances, personalities, or circles of friends. I also don’t really care about approval from other people (except for my parents’ and a few close friends). Now, I am envious when someone possesses a skill I wish I had. I attach myself to skills now and want to know how I can mirror that in myself (because I still find myself defective in some areas).

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Four shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

Fours believe that love is by far the most important thing in their lives. I know that most Type Fours feel that they have a detachment from one or more parents, however, that wasn’t the case for me. My parents (both Type Ones) gave me an EXTREME illusion of what love looked like. They built my childhood to be perfect—fantasy-like. They never fought with each other, at least never to my knowledge, or in front of me. They always went above and beyond to show how much they cared and how much they loved me. They always fed into how special and unique they believed me to be and that I was just different from other people. They are VERY ride-or die, all-or-nothing type of parents.

So my upbringing is very much apparent in my Sexual Subtype. Their love gave me the belief that I once had perfect unconditional love, but also influenced me to believe that I won’t experience love until it is that category of passionate, and emotional intensity. That this was the happiest I have felt. I love my parents more than anything. They are my Garden of Eden. When I left home for college I soon discovered or at least felt defective and rejected, because others didn’t reflect that same type of love and emotional intensity my parents had given me.

With my friends, it is very easy for me to be emotionally vulnerable and open. I openly love them passionately and intensely. I feel seen by my parents and my friends and it allows me to feel safe and therefore, open, emotionally vulnerable, and creative. In romantic relationships I have found when I am in an unhealthy place, I am very attracted to the things I can’t have. And by that, I don’t mean other people in relationships, but people I KNOW can’t love me back (aren’t attracted to me, aren’t emotionally available, live far away, etc). I blame some of that on my culture. In Mexican culture, love is portrayed by a dance if you will, a tango. A push and pull. I love you while you are absent, but up close I notice you have a lot of faults. But as soon as you go, I idealize you and get in touch with the deep feelings I have for you. Please come back and torture me again. And this plays on loop.

It’s that craving for emotional intensity and wanting some sort of “drama” to make life less mundane. I realize it is actually due to my fear of truly being “seen” by a romantic partner, but also something I crave most.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress for me as a Sexual Four is moving towards a Type Two. It looks like me getting mad when others don’t meet my needs, being clingy to those I am fond of, drowning others with my emotional intensity, lashing out when rejected, and having many unwarranted, not communicated expectations of others that lead to anger/frustration when not met. I am very self-absorbed and only concerned with my needs.

Growth for me, when I move towards Type One, looks like balancing my emotions and being less emotionally chaotic and intense. I can be profoundly creative without concern of acceptance or envy. I feel like I can truly just “be” and am not concerned with my image. I am more emotionally open, vulnerable, gentle with others, and calm. I feel free and not weighed down. I don’t attach my identity to certain emotions, I allow myself to feel all of them. I also feel that I am more available and empathetic with others, without turning it into self-absorption.

Thank you both so very much!

It’s been amazing to have all you Fours on the blog, we’re so lucky that you’ve chosen to talk about life and relationships and the nitty-gritty of being the three Subtypes of the wonderful, authentic, nuanced Type Four! —Melissa

Sexual/One-On-One Type Four: Maria Bowler & Melissa Joy Livermore

Posted on October 14, 2019October 12, 2019 by melissakircher

Happy Monday! Today, we will continue our investigation into subtypes and look at the Sexual or One-On-One Type Four. I’m excited to have Sx Fours Melissa Joy Livermore and Maria Bowler (she, half of the hilarious Enneadog duo on Twitter) on the Enneagram Paths blog, sharing with us about their unique experiences as this subtype.

Beatrice Chestnut in her book, The Complete Enneagram, describes Sexual Fours rather thoroughly (as she does all the 27 subtypes, it’s definitely worth picking up). She says, “These Fours like and need emotional intensity. Without intensity, everything can seem unbearably dull and boring. When Sexual Fours want somebody’s love, they can be very direct about asking for what they need, or they can become “extraordinary”—make themselves seem special and attractive and superior—in an effort to attract it… Sexual Fours believe it’s good to be the best. Most people want to present a good image to others, but Sexual Fours don’t care very much about image management or being liked. For them, it’s better to be superior. They are highly competitive, and their intense focus on competition takes the form of actively striving to show they are the best.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

And now let’s hear from our interviewees, Maria and Melissa. Thanks so much for being here you two!

Maria Bowler is a poet, teacher, and spiritual director. You can find out more about her work at www.mariabowler.com. Catch her Enneagram Twitter memes at @enneadog. See her less frequently @mariaevb.

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

I’ll be honest, the term “Sexual Instinct” still throws me off a little, but it relates to the idea that we have a survival instinct to make intimate connections and extend our impact on the world. In practical terms, it’s much broader than actual sex; I experience it as the impulse to make the most of life out of any situation. And it shows up in really mundane ways.

A small example from years ago comes to mind: The first time I went to the beach on the Atlantic Ocean, I waded into the water by myself as far as I was comfortable, stood still, and let the waves crash onto me to see how it would feel. I wasn’t trying to get hurt—I just wanted to get the most feeling I could! My Sp boyfriend at the time was with me, and he thought that was a little bit bananas.

When I was younger, I thought my Sx instinct meant I was emotionally brave; I saw people turn away from intense people or material, whereas I moved toward it. I was drawn to wherever the fire was, whether it was exciting music, new ideas, or the personalities in a room. Fours, in general, are drawn to “authenticity” (a loaded word!) and I think my Sx logic was, the more extreme something is, the more true or authentic it must be. I was so wrong about that! Turns out you can actually burn yourself and others by standing right next to the metaphorical Fire-of-Intensity-For-Its-Own-Sake at all times.

At this moment in my life, the Sx instinct means that I care about the quality of my interactions a lot, but I won’t force them. I am interested in the edges of things, but don’t necessarily feel the need to push them. I also appreciate a challenge (they’re exciting), provided it doesn’t feel imposed upon me.

Sexual Intimacy: I define this as the need to merge with someone on multiple levels; intellectually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. It’s the need to be mutually affected in some way. This impulse to “click” or “spark” with people (or even environments) is strong, and I feel sad when it’s not possible. On the other hand, I feel very alive when it is possible. A small moment of mutual connection in passing—like “I see you”—can make my day. Of all the things you listed, that intimacy definitely makes me feel the safest.

Close Relationships and Friendships: I feel an intense loyalty to my friends, so I think that’s how the intensity of the Sexual instinct shows up there. I also think it’s my Sexual (or One-to-One) Instinct thing to prefer fewer, closer friends than many, less-close friendships. In the friendships I have, I feel secure when we know we are important to each other without having to talk or hang out all the time.

Connection to Bodily Energy: I think Self-Preservation is my secondary instinct, so I keep a close eye on how much energy I have, except when I’m in a one-to-one conversation with someone. Then, I tend to lose track of time and forget that I’m tired.

In all of these areas, it’s fair to say my energy can be a little bit all or nothing, on or off. Either I’m fully engaged and trying to make the most meaning out of a situation, or I don’t want to be involved at all. That’s probably a very Sx thing. I’m learning to moderate that as I get older.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress expresses itself as open frustration that nothing is happening where I wanted/expected something to happen. It can be work stress, interpersonal stress, whatever. I will lament to someone I’m close to, and the more stressed I get the more widely I’m willing to express this frustration. In stress, I will have a desire in mind (even as simple as a desire to be well when I’m sick), and I’ll find it difficult to distract myself from the fact that it’s not happening.

In health, the desire for depth and intensity meets with humor and equilibrium. I don’t have to move toward the heat as much because I trust that there is enough life and goodness wherever I am. I can really enjoy less serious things as they are without wanting them to be more. It’s a more spacious feeling.

Melissa Joy Livermore is an interdisciplinary artist that deeply values connectedness and introspection. Much of her work, from the deconstruction of canvas—thread by thread, to the use of Instagram as a platform for performative action, lies at the intersection of the two ideas.

Website: melissajoylivermoreart.com

Instagram: @melissajoylivermore Twitter: @mjoyliver

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

My whole life seems to revolve around connection. Living on three different continents in a period of three years has been a very clear illustration of this reality for me. The hardest part was developing and maintaining relationships. Sustaining significant connections at a distance, clinging to connections with other expats due to shared experience, and cultivating relationships in a new cultural context was challenging. Then, those connections were abruptly cut off as I moved to the next place, starting over the cycle of trying to maintain relationships at a distance. As a Type Four, my tendency to feel misunderstood was especially underscored in those spaces. Feeling on the outside, and not in a good place emotionally, it was hard to find one-on-one connections that could provide a sense of being known. This reality perpetuated my tendency to hoard connection, to swallow it whole.

Living overseas magnified my tendencies, however, I have always been drawn to intense connections with people. Growing up in Evangelical spaces, my focus was on getting past the surface to a spiritual connection with people, the deep dive of sharing your whole soul. As an artist, most of my work revolves around the ideas of interpersonal connection, whether that is in examining the way I relate to people on social media or the way language and understanding work hand in hand. With my largest body of work Deconstruction, I focus on the way participation in a shared meditative action can facilitate deep connections with strangers. The same level of intensity I have in relationships is applied to ideas that capture my attention. I dive deeply into them, obsessively focused until the next one arrives; searching for the ways they weave into my everyday experiences and how they resonate with those around me. While I am sure there are other aspects of my life that I am neglecting to mention in this response, it feels like most my of world is summed up in interpersonal connection and the pursuit of composing ideas and concepts—that may or may not be realized.

As I have already mentioned, relationships hold a lot of weight in my life, more than I wish they did sometimes. In terms of sexual relationships, I am just starting the slow unraveling of growing up in Evangelical culture, and the shame that surrounds sexuality for me. Growing up, my experience was mostly long, deep, intense crushes on people with whom I connected deeply. Usually, it was someone that I shared musical interests with, obsessing over brooding lyrics together. But because I did not feel that I could operate freely in those spaces, I dove deep into a longing and desire for a connection that I did not think I could have. I withdrew into my thoughts of what could be, longing narratives that I would pick up from books. I would wait for the other person to make a move while imagining all the ways I would try to connect with them if I could.

In my family life, I shut down my tendencies to feel deeply, and my analytical nature went into overdrive. Because that was was what they accepted. The closest my family gets to deep connection with one another is through spiritual conversations. As I start to move away from those old frameworks, there is a fear of losing connection with them, complicating that process for me. Friendships are where most of my deeper emotional connections have developed. I often wonder if I know the meaning of the word acquaintance. If I connect with someone, the deep dive usually follows. If I do not connect with the person, contact is not usually maintained. I have a tendency to want every friendship to have the intimacy of a close relationship. With my body, I’m growing in the awareness of how disembodied I have been. I feel deeply and live primarily in my mind through the endless analysis of feelings—my Five Wing is strong. I feel the safest when I have at least one relationship of mutual and deep understanding near me geographically.

4. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

I’m still learning how stress and integration play out in my life, and I feel like I am far more aware of how I operate under stress. In those spaces I see a tendency to introject others—to internalize slight judgments or disappointments as cutting off our connection, feeling the need to make up for those moments or to be on guard against future moments that could cause the same breeches in a relationship. I fixate on past hurts, running them repeatedly through my brain, trying to glean new insight from the situations. There is a feeling that something is wrong with me, I often worry that I am too much, too serious, too intense.

As I am becoming more aware of those spaces, it has been helpful for me to approach them with kindness. My analytical tendency to berate myself for failure is very strong, keeping me stuck inside that loop. I often tie failure to relationships. For example, leaving a difficult job, I was more concerned about the loss of relationships that could come from taking that step. When I get stuck in patterns of self-sabotage artistically, I worry that what I make as I grow and change will lead to loss of relationships. There has been a lot of learning to listen to my own voice, developing a relationship with myself that is kind and gentle. Walking in that direction has brought moments of clarity; an ability to see through the fog of how I think I am perceived and to hold space for the fear of rejection. This has been an incredibly helpful lesson in the last few months.

Thank you both so much! – Melissa

Self-Preservation Four: Sharalee Roberts, Justin Brown & Kelly Craig

Posted on October 7, 2019October 4, 2019 by melissakircher

A friend of mine was recently struggling to define her Four subtype, waffling between being a Social (So) Type Four or a Sexual (Sx) Type Four. I found that even though I have a pretty good grasp on what the subtypes are in general, I was no help with the nuances of each and every number. Enter you amazing Twitter-verse people and some digging back into The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. Today, we’re going to learn about the Self-Preservation Type Four (Sp) from Ms. Chestnut and hear from Sharalee, Kelly, and Justin about their experiences as Self-Pres Fours!

According to Chestnut, Self-Pres Fours are the Countertype, expressing envy and suffering much less than the other two subtypes. “[Instead] of dwelling in and expressing envy, this Four works hard to get what others have… Thus, this Four makes a virtue of toughing out difficulties without talking about them, hoping that others will see this, admire them for it, and help them meet their needs… They put themselves in situations that are tough. They test and challenge themselves… This Four tends to be a humanitarian with an empathetic and nurturing disposition, someone who protests for the sake of others and is sensitive to the needy, the dispossessed, and victims of injustice.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

And now, welcome Sharalee, Justin, and Kelly thank you for sharing with us!

My name is Sharalee Roberts. I am a 39-year-old female. I am a film cinematographer, writer, photographer. I have three children and have been married for seventeen years.

Instagram: @sharaleeroberts Twitter: @sharaleeroberts

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

For me personally, a Self-Preservation Type Four displays my desire for my space and my comfort as a way to de-stress the constant emotional connections the Type Four battles with. My mind is in a constant state of high function creativity and I’m also typically the person everyone wants to talk to. I have a need for my den, my home, my Zen space. My home has lots of throw blankets, and plants, with calming paint colors. My office, my room, and my kitchen have to be clean and organized in order for me to find comfort within them. This may be because I’m a Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5). If given the choice of a fun night out for drinks and dinner with friends or a good book under a blanket at home, I’m choosing the book and blanket! I love to push my comfort levels for art. I love a good hike for a picture. I can endure endless hours behind the camera in poor weather. However, at the end of the day when everyone wants to go out and celebrate, I want nothing more than a warm bath and my home. I find comfort in travel. Old spaces and history are warm, inviting, and cathartic. You just probably won’t find me being a chatty Cathy with the stranger on the plane. I will have my earphones in and under the extra blanket that I probably have in my bag. There is no subject that I don’t love to learn about and pick apart, even death and the macabre. Others may find this disturbing, but I am just playfully psychoanalyzing and sifting through all the complicated layers of the subject.

2. How does the Self-Preservation Instinct as a Four shape your need for physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

I need to know I am safe. Physically and emotionally. At the age of 39, I have experienced the lack of security in all the areas of physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships. I have learned how to not panic at the mere idea of the lack of security in these areas. I have also learned to work hard to meet the areas at the level in which I need them. However, the level in which I need each of these has also changed throughout the years. Relationships being the least of these for me, and Energy being the highest right now. Meaning, the level of which I will exert my energy into a high number of relationships has dwindled. People expect a lot emotionally from Type Fours. Even as much as I try to protect my energy, people still tend to drain me. So, I have learned to place a high value on my energy levels and who I am willing to drain it for. Mainly, my immediate family (husband and children) and a close friend. I have drained it too often to the point of severe depression not to be very protective of my energy now.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

When under high stress I can sink into my comfort places to an unhealthy degree. I can stay in bed for days. Blocking my endless spinning thoughts by reading four or five novels a day. I will be obsessive about my space, but not my food. I can be so concerned about what to eat that I cannot eat at all. I can be unwise in spending because looking at a budget is too stressful and I clearly really need one more comfort item. All of my energy turns inward and the endless cycle of negative thoughts and lost conversations from years gone by will resurface to berate me. Depression is very real for Fours—many of us have to constantly manage it or battle with it.

For a Healthy Self Pres Four, it’s all about balance. It’s learning about what is a healthy lack of communication with family and friends versus when my depression is returning. I have to balance my diet with exercise to find balance within my mind. I balance people time with alone time and have learned to find enjoyment and value with both. I set boundaries with people, even when I want to help them because I know they are not healthy for me. Again, going back to protecting that energy and learning when I have the extra to give and when I don’t. I have to balance my work, which I can obsess over to perfectionism, with a non-work-related creative endeavor. I’m currently in pre-production for a business commercial, planning out my fall photoshoots, starting to writing one book, and already in the research phase of another book. It’s non-stop for Fours. I’m always figuring out when to let my crazy creative juices run wild in a project and when to pull back and calm it back down again. It’s finding just the right balance between it all and then recharging my energy within my comfort places.

My name is Justin Brown. I live in Springfield, IL, and I have been learning and studying the language of the Enneagram for nearly two years. As a Type Four I’ve often felt misunderstood, but the Enneagram allowed me to see that I’m not alone.

Twitter: @jlbrownik

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

To be a Self-Preservation Type Four means enduring difficult emotions. It means making sure my frame is intact. It means using my resources, or physical resources (money, time, energy, sustenance) to my advantage in order to keep myself intact or be the best version of myself.

I think that ‘physical’ security is prioritized being a self-preservation type. I think I am perhaps more aware of what I need, or what I need to do in order to feel physically secure. It’s not simply attending to those physical needs that allow me to feel safe, it’s also about how I attend to them. For example, it’s not just about eating food, it’s about what I eat that allows me to feel secure (eating healthy). It’s not simply that I have a shelter that makes me feel secure, it’s also taking care of my living space and cultivating that space for comfort. Time and energy aren’t tangible but, I am cognizant of where my time and energy go. I mostly require time and energy to feel safe. There is an emphasis put on energy though. I am careful where I spend that currency because I can lose it during social interactions being an introvert. When I am limited energy-wise, it affects what I can do or the way I do something because I’m low on energy. I am aware of my energy levels when I’m in the presence of family and friends, and I try not to spend all my energy in one place.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

Under stress, I tend to be more expressive, and I can become suspicious of long-suffering. I may reach out to someone in the form of self-expression to let my plights be known. Under stress, I may become frantic and to cope with what I’m experiencing. I can become “proactive” in an attempt to keep life from becoming even more stressful.

In health, I’m more structured, disciplined, and organized. I live more in the present moment, while also considering the future in order to do what I need to do—in the now to be secure in the future. For example being financially stable, physically healthy, and emotional well/intelligent.

Kelly Craig: Artist/Writer

Instagram: @kellycraigart Twitter: @justkellycraig1

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

For me, it means I have a place of safety/nurture to retreat to when the world feels chaotic; when everything feels like it’s too much. In fact, when I look at my core values feeling safe and creating spaces of safety, where others feel safe to be vulnerable, to dialogue and to be themselves, is at the top of my list. Being a Self-Preservation Four also means I surround myself with people who respect that space, even protect it. Also, as a Self-Preservation Four, I don’t enjoy conflict. It causes a lot of anxiety and doesn’t bring out the best in me. I want to be with people who bring out the best in me even in spaces of accountability or differing points of view.

As a Self-Preservation Four, my home aesthetic is really important. I want it to feel intuitive & peaceful (which doesn’t always happen). Also as an artist, I have always been drawn to nice things. In my studio—one of my primary nesting spaces—is a chair hammock so I can rock in it to feel physically secure and facilitate energy for creative ideas. Even as a kid, growing up where we didn’t have a lot of money to buy a lot of extra things, etc, and without knowing the price, I almost always picked the most expensive pair. My nickname in our family was “princess.”

2. How does the Self-Preservation Instinct as a Four shade your need for physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

You may laugh, but when my family sits down at the dinner table (food & shelter), it’s really important that we make sure everyone has enough to eat. It’s important for my kids to think about other people in this way. Actually, having a “family table” is also a central value to me. Oddly (because I’m not the typical throw paint to the wind artist), I handle most of the finances.

Regarding energy, I get easily drained by too much noise or chaos. If I don’t protect that, I get anxious and frustrated. Enter the need for space to breathe and express through words, photographs, drawings, and painting.

As for the primary need for feeling safe, by far it’s having that “nesting space,” (physically, emotionally, even spiritually) which if I don’t have this, it negatively affects my relationships, with myself and others. Like I said before, if I don’t feel safe or secure in my home, even relationships, I won’t have peace. And if I don’t have peace, the energy of that invades my home, my time, my energy levels, all relational things, and it taxes me. I feel like I’m losing myself (being swallowed up). And honestly, that’s death for any Type Four. In the end, I’m my best self when I feel honored and protected. In those spaces, I flourish and can engage in arguments without losing my peace.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

For me, stress is being so busy that I don’t get time to saturate myself in the things that feed my soul or energize my creativity like nature, writing, taking pictures, and one-on-one time with my children and husband.

Integration/Health happens when I can take that inner peace, energy, and positively affect the world around me instead of letting the world and its chaos affect me to the place where I hide. Honestly, the word “BALANCE” has been my life’s mantra for as long as I can remember. I am on a life-long journey of knowing when to reach out from my nest/cocoon versus knowing when to stay in that place. And because life is life, I know disagreement will arise. So, I have to discern when it’s safe to dialogue and tackle hard and when it’s not. Enter everyone’s favorite word, boundaries!! I think Fours, especially Self-Preservation Fours, need to know how to navigate this because of a propensity towards extremes.

Thank you three so much! – Melissa