Month: January 2019

Interview with Type Four: Eric Nevins

Posted on by melissakircher
teddy-kelley-98551-unsplash.jpg“I have a habit of letting my imagination run away from me. It always comes back though . . . drenched with possibilities.” ― Valaida Fullwood

I love talking to Type Fours, (because I have a Four Wing and I’m so special!) but I especially love Type Four men because they are super interesting. When thinking about society in America, the outstanding qualities of a Four aren’t much encouraged. Someone who identifies as male, who can make space for pain, who lives authentically, who feels the full spectrum of emotion, who dives into the deep questions of life, and who can love imagination and creativity…these are not qualities the Western world deems worthy in men. And yet, these attributes in men are SO NEEDED! I’m convinced, the more men get in touch with their emotional lives and their authentic selves, the more healthy society will be.

I’m excited to hear from you, Eric. Welcome!

1. Emotions are dominant for Fours as part of the Heart Triad. How do emotions affect your daily life? Work, friendships, partnership, kids?

Emotions are huge for us in our family. It took me a long time to understand my emotions and to accept them as part of who I am, but not the definition of who I am. When I worked for a big company, my emotions would get in the way as I struggled to explain why I had feelings about particular decisions. In a dull, boring financial firm my feelings were not convincing arguments. That felt pretty bad. Once I learned that my emotions are indicator lights that should make me explore deeper, it became easier to express my feelings and find my voice. This is true with my wife and children as well. On good days I’m able to set aside my emotions and attend to theirs. On bad days, well, let’s just say the feels are everywhere.

2. Are you a parent? How does your Type influence parenting? 

I am the father of a girl and three boys. Being a Type Four parent means I’m the fun dad who gets on the floor and wrestles, plans a surprise, or encourages them to use their imagination. One of my strengths is that I am able to see my children’s creativity and encourage it. My daughter wants to be a writer. My parents never would have encouraged me to go into the arts for a living. But I tell my daughter to go for it as long as she understands the business as well as the art. My kids get the benefit of belief in their creative ability. On the downside, I can also be quite moody and emotional. Sometimes, I have days when I am in the dumps and simply do not want to hear them. I imagine that it feels arbitrary for them and hope they do not equate my emotions with having to earn love from me.

3. What happens when you’re stressed and go along your Arrow to Type Two? What happens when you’re in a healthy place and go along your Arrow to Type One?

Interesting question! For years, I thought of myself as a Type Two. I was a helper, a shepherd, but never satisfied. I guess I was just stressed all the time. But it does come in handy when there is stress in the home, and I can see the needs and help find a resolution. I’m still trying to figure out what it’s like to move to a Type One. I love it when I’m working on a project and tweaking every detail to make it just so. Maybe that’s moving in the right direction. One thing I’ve had to learn, though, is the value of iteration. Expecting perfection on the first try held me back for many years. Once I allowed that I could try, learn, and get better, the lid came off, and I’m working in my zone of genius more.

4. How does Envy play out in your interactions with people? Do you find yourself comparing your life, experiences, career, etc. to others?

YES! Envy is a huge problem for me. I often ask “why not me?” when I see all the cool things others are doing. Realizing that (1) social media does not reflect reality, and (2) everyone pays dues to get where they are, has helped me tremendously. This quote from Biz Stone speaks to me: “Timing, perseverance, and ten years of trying will eventually make you look like an overnight success.”

5. Talk a little about the desire to be unique. Why is this so important to you? Is it important? How do you try to be a unique person in daily life?

Oh my, yes! The tension between being normal and being unique is so difficult to live with. In middle school, I was bullied for being weird (I was kinda nerdy) and that fueled this desire to belong while never feeling like I do. I’ve realized that there are situations where I feel I don’t belong, but the feeling is mine, not anyone else’s. They accept me, and I don’t know it. Being aware of that is super important for me.

I’ve also learned to accept the ways that I want to be unique. I left my corporate job to start an online business. Most people thought I was totally crazy. Maybe I am! But I knew I had to do it or I would regret it forever. Embracing that kind of uniqueness actually helps me love being me. It may not work out, but I love that I tried.

6. Talk about what the words Discipline and Objectivity mean to you today.

My two least favorite words! Discipline is always a challenge. Lately, I’m learning to rely on others to help with that. For instance, I’ve partnered with a friend who is good at being disciplined to create a business course for soul care practitioners. I just liked the idea and would have been happy to have imagined it and moved on. But he wanted to actually create it. His drive is helping us accomplish something together.

I also learned about discipline when I started my podcast, Halfway There, in 2016. The show is about the ups and downs of the spiritual journey, and I really love hearing the stories people share with me. That love drives me to keep episodes releasing every week. Once I tapped into my desire, discipline was still work, but not hard.

Objectivity is a myth.

7. What does the phrase, “You are good enough,” mean to you?

I wish I felt that way. This is a message I have to receive from God often. If I’m not careful, any criticism feeds the “not good enough” monster in my head.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Four?

I love imaginative prayer! Going through the spiritual exercises of Ignatius of Loyola was life-changing for me. I have a B.A. in Biblical Studies and a Master of Divinity and can get super academic with Scripture. But learning to imagine Jesus really connected to my heart. Suddenly, the Scripture came alive in my mind, and I fell in love with God in a fresh way.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type impacted your life and relationships? Has it changed the way you view yourself or others?

I am learning how to love and accept myself and let others be who they are. Learning how Fours and Sixes relate has been helpful because my wife is the latter. My dreams rubbed her fears raw and created a lot of tension. Learning that fear was her issue changed my expectations when I’m dreaming. It helps so much to let her off the hook for making my dreams a reality by saying, “I just need to envision this for a moment.”

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Eric Nevins is the host of Halfway There Podcast, a show that has honest conversations with ordinary Christians about today’s Christian experience. His first contemplative exercise, Jesus is Willing: An 8 Day Experience in Mark 1:40-45 is available now.

 

 

*Cover Photo by Teddy Kelley on Unsplash

 

 

Enneagram 4w3 vs. 4w5

Posted on by melissakircher

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Enneagram Type Fours are in the Heart Triad. They are introspective, experience a wide range of emotions, care about the deep meaning in life, have active imaginations, and make ample space for pain. Fours are the people you want to have around when a loved one gets sick or passes—they will empathize in whatever way you best need. Healthy Fours understand the complexity of inner life, often becoming masters at helping others navigate the realms of spirituality and soul. They will have a good balance between their own inner world and what they can contribute to the world at large. They are warm, astute in their advice-giving, and encouraging. Often mystics, artists, musicians, and contemplatives, Type Fours can also be CEO’s and accountants, bringing their wealth of emotional intelligence and creative thinking to almost any scenario. They are eloquent wordsmiths, speaking in symbols and metaphors that others can clearly understand. And above all, they value authenticity! “Be your unique self,” is the mantra of Type Fours.

People are human beings always in motion, not types that act in restrictive boxes, therefore the integration and disintegration descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem fully integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the full spectrum of stress/health levels in a day. In an hour even! Keep this in mind as you read on.

Type Four with a Three Wing (4w3)

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In Integration:

A 4w3 is an intelligent, curious, creative person who has a million ideas… and actually executes them. The Three Wing helps the Four move from the fantasy in their head to actual physical projects and businesses that take shape and do well. They have a much higher capacity to produce results than the 4w5. The Three Wings lends practicality to the mindset of a Four, which helps them balance out melancholic and dramatic tendencies. A 4w3 will tend to focus more on their careers and often have lofty goals, with the confidence of a Type Three to achieve them. A 4w3 can also sometimes be more extroverted than a 4w5, the Three Wing drawing out a normally introspective Type Four into social settings and group activities that are enjoyable. The Three Wing allows the Four to access more energy so they move out of the pools of emotion and reverie and into the real world.

In Stress/Disintegration:

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In stress or disintegration, a 4w3 combines the low side of both numbers. Both types have issues with identity, and so shame will be a core struggle. An unhealthy, 4w3 will be hyper-conscious of their image, become obsessive about relational issues (drama), and seek to find their authentic selves in projects rather than within. To maintain any kind of self-esteem, a stressed 4w3 seeks validation, trying to be seen as both unique and successful to impress others and win their love. The disintegrated Type Three shades the stressed Four with doses of anger and competitiveness. Who is more creative? Who is better than me to lead this team or make this decision? The disintegrated 4w3 throws modesty out the window, and can even act like they are royalty, which exacerbates the Type Four’s inclination to see themselves as ‘above’ the common person. Their finances take a hit as they spend excessively to create the right image, atmosphere, or environment.

Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5)

In Integration:

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Healthy 4w5s are a great mix of the Heart and Mind Triad. The Type Five’s brain energy compliments the Four’s orientation to immerse themselves in all the feels, creating a person who can empathize wisely. Think of them as a creative guru best friend. The Five Wing adds impartiality to the inner and outer experience of a Four, allowing them the capacity to reflect on relationships, situations, and emotions in a more objective manner. They can distance their ‘selfhood’ from their feelings and rely more on facts. Type Fours are normally profound and insightful, and the Five Wing lends even more wisdom through intellectual analysis. 4w5’s have an abundance of emotional depth and sensitivity, being able to view others and society through intensely perceptive and ground-breaking lenses. This is a usually introverted type, often quiet, but with active minds and cycling emotions.

In Stress/Disintegration:

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When stressed, 4w5s become eccentrics, agonized by emotions that feel overpowering and thoughts that race out of control. Their inner lives are so intense that they begin to drown in themselves, lost in a labyrinth of their own making. When this happens 4w5s often withdraw from their relationships and the outer world, thinking that no one could possibly understand their tortured experiences. This withdrawal causes their work and relationships to suffer because they aren’t living life, they’re trapped in their imaginations of reality. They rebuff all attempts at aid, insight, and practical help. In this state, a 4w5 can have a hard time holding down a job or taking care of their basic needs because in every area they doubt themselves. The weight of the universe rests on their shoulders, and they often escape into idealized memories. They can become hermits who don’t dare to trust themselves, other people, or society.

*(A special thank you to Beyoncé for her wide range of gifs. This post is not trying to type Queen B, I just like how she expresses literally everything!)

 

Interview with Type Three: Jordin Kelly

Posted on by melissakircher

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“Be—don’t try to become” ― Osho

Hello Enneagram lovers! Today on Enneagram Paths I’m continuing the interview series with another Type Three, Jordin Kelly. I’m so excited, you have such great things to share. My partner is a Three, and I was reading your answers to him out loud, asking, “is this true?” It’s good stuff, you guys.

Welcome, Jordin, thanks for being here and sharing with everyone your unique experience as a Three!

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I get really uncomfortable when there is no goal to work toward. Even if there is nothing to be achieved, I will make something up to keep me preoccupied with a sense of proving my self-worth. Everything I do, including relationships and spirituality, has tinges of achievement-oriented thoughts. Case in point: my entire spiritual journey started by trying to “achieve” enlightenment

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

At my healthiest, I make decisions with my heart. In other words, whatever I feel most “aligned with,” I choose. However, sometimes I am afraid of my heart because it is inefficient, childlike, and has no concept of a finish line or achieving anything. For a lot of my life, I have actually tried my best to avoid making decisions with my heart and instead relied on my mind to logically figure out what I should do because that seems more efficient.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

Yeah, I’ve got this thing I do where if I feel vulnerable, I just totally withdraw like a Nine. I go to a place deep within myself that makes it hard to communicate clearly because shame twists everything. Also, I have a very hard time expressing anger. It’s one of the quickest feelings I both self-medicate with and withdraw from.

When I go to Type Six, this weird thing happens where I feel more separate and more connected with my partner at the same time. I feel more separate in that I no longer am seeing them as just an extension of myself to manipulate and take for granted. Instead, I see them as a separate person, with their own wants and needs, in their own beauty, and I can actually appreciate them for who they are instead of using them to help me feel like less of a failure. And I feel more connected with them because I feel like more of a team. I am trusting, instead of insecure or anxious. So, it’s like I become less co-dependent and more present, trusting, and appreciative.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

I moved around a lot as a kid. As a result, I got really good at working my way into friend groups. One time in high school it finally dawned on me like, “Wow, I start talking and acting like whoever I want to hang out with. And I’m so good at it that I sometimes do it better than they do.” I think even beyond the achieving and success-oriented part of my Threeness, the chameleon/mask wearer part is going to be the hardest for me to shake. It’s like it’s unconscious. I went to Peru, and within the first day there I already knew what clothes I needed to buy to look cool and fit in. It can be nice when I can “speak the language” of virtually anyone, but it is also a curse. There is a lot of pain and suffering that comes from abandoning myself to play what I think is a more admirable role for someone else. I would say most of my pain comes from this, actually.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

I feel like a lot of what I read on the internet about Threes is really surface-y of the type. Like, sure we like achieving things and work really hard and all that. But maybe similar to Sevens, there is a deeper side to us Threes that doesn’t get talked about very much. At our core: we work hard to achieve things because we don’t feel like we are worthy human beings until we prove it; until we convince someone else to say we are good enough. We’re so disconnected from the part of ourselves that knows we are worthy no matter what, that we’ve no choice but to manipulate others by performing and achieving into being a replacement for that part of ourselves. The real tragedy is that nothing outside of us can replace that part of ourselves. And while all we’re looking for is ourselves in our search for worth, we tend to disconnect from ourselves even more in the name of winning attention and admiration from others.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I’ve got a Four Wing which means I’m both terribly tortured (and dramatic ) and complete with a system of checks and balances. When I feel sad, my Threeness wants to power through the sadness and get to work, but my Fourness wants to sit and wallow in it for a while. Since I look similar to a Nine in stress anyway, I usually end up wallowing and/or self-medicating. And then my Threeness shames me harshly for wallowing and not being productive. Which makes me want to wallow even more. It’s a vicious cycle that has lead me to very severe depression. Another aspect that can be torturous at times but has felt more like a beneficial check and balance system for me is the Type Three’s tendency to betray themselves to fit in and the Four’s desire to be 100% authentic and stay true to themselves even if it means not fitting in. In this way, my Four Wing has actually been a map back to my virtue of honesty while still maintaining my three superpower of adaptability and connecting with others using their language.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Phew. I mean, that is THE game changer for me as a Type Three. It speaks directly to the inner chains that say, “I am only loved if I succeed.” To be loved even in failure means I can get off the hamster’s wheel and stop trying to hard to be anything other than myself. One night I went out with a couple of friends to play shuffleboard. One of the girls had so much to drink that she wasn’t doing very good at the game. I could tell though, that her teammate loved her so much that he would rather be on her team and lose than to win and not be on her team. That realization hit me hard. Because love like that is so foreign to a Three. I imagined being loved that way, and loving myself that way, and for an instant, it was like everything shifted, my inner chains broke open, I stopped running on the hamster’s wheel, and I just…was. I felt free to try new things and not have to worry about failing because I would rather be on my own team and fail than to betray myself and win.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I do, but I don’t call it anything in particular. Growing up I was a Christian, which for me, was the perfect vessel to use all my Three neuroses to win the approval of God. I played the part valiantly, but even my construct for God could not replace the part of myself I was searching for; the part that knows I don’t need to earn my worthiness, that I am already worthy. I am very spiritual now, but have no labels for anything. I play in all religions and non-religions, holding everything loosely. I don’t have a set practice on purpose, because I don’t want it to turn into another thing to check off the to-do list. Instead, I try to get in touch with my heart and follow my desires for spiritual practice in the moment. There is no separation between secular and spiritual in my life anymore. By tuning into my heart, I find that I’m always practicing my spirituality.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

Committing to feeling all of my feelings revolutionized my life. I have a lifetime of stored emotion packed away in my body because I refused to feel it. After all, it is hard to run an efficient race when you’re sobbing uncontrollably. But committing to feeling all of my feelings forced me to change my priorities from achievement and efficiency to connecting with myself in the here and now. This has opened up a whole new world – a painful world sometimes, sure, but also a happier, more integrated and more connected world that I much prefer.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Achievement and admiration used to be the motors that kept me moving forward, now it is authenticity. Instead of asking how I can be more productive, I now ask how I can connect with myself even deeper. Being is still very hard for me sometimes. Similar to Type Sevens, staying in the same place starts to feel like sinking. I get restless and get the urge to DO something. But I’m learning that just being is perhaps the most fruitful thing I’ve ever done. Underneath the icky stuff that sometimes gets brought up when I stand still long enough, being always leads me back to myself and to reality. It is necessary for centering, and makes me wonder how I can integrate even something like productivity into presence even more in my life.

jordin picBio: Jordin Kelly is proof you’re not the only weirdo spinning around this ball of blue. Don’t believe it? All the proof you need is on her blog at ourweirdlives.com. There she shares her most embarrassing moments and other stories tailored around one thing: helping you feel less weird and alone. Do yourself a favor and check it out here.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/weirdlivesblog/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/weirdlivesblog

*Photo by Andi Rieger on Unsplash