Tag: enneagram type five parent

Type 5 Parenting Part II: Gena Thomas

Posted on by melissakircher

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Today I’m happy to welcome Gena Thomas to Enneagram Paths to continue our look into Type Five Parenting and what it feels like to identify as a Type Five woman. Gena is a mother, faith-wrestler, and writer, with her second book Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey comes out in October 2019.

 

Welcome, Gena, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? 

I’ve recently discovered I’m a Five after about a year of trying to figure out my Enneagram number. It’s been interesting to think through what it means to be a female Type Five because most Fives interviewed on the podcasts I listen to are men. It helps me better understand (with my Four Wing) why I can be so emotional about certain things and non-emotional about much of the rest of my life. The advantage is, in my opinion, that I often have an objective view of life, so I rarely respond or make choices out of emotion. This keeps me relatively level-headed amid heated moments. However, my Five -ness seems to be not what is expected or seemingly desired of women by society, especially in Christian circles. One of the disadvantages of being a woman Five is that I never feel like I fit into other’s expectations. I question things. At first, this is viewed as good and healthy—until I probe into areas that people would like me to leave alone. Then, I’m viewed in a negative light. But I can’t seem to hold in my questions; perceivably good or bad, they are my most constant companion.

2. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships?

I identify as she/her. All of my life I have been a Christian, so being a female Five has been a part of my daily experiences in the different circles I’ve found myself in. As a woman, I’m grateful to have found some faith communities that embrace me fully. The first of these was in undergrad where questioning was the norm for everyone. The second was in graduate school, where I met others doing difficult faith-based work in community development who understand and embodied in a deep way that to have faith is to simultaneously question why the world is in the state it is in. But on a whole, being a Christian woman Five is a curious space to occupy. I hold strongly to my beliefs, but I also don’t fear doubt in a way that seems to be the norm for many Christian spaces. The story of Jacob wrestling God has been one I’ve always held dear. I consider myself a faith wrestler, and I believe that will be a lifelong endeavor for me. I also am very egalitarian and believe the gospel message unhinges the earthly hierarchies we create, including the gender hierarchy. My family moved to a new state recently because of a job opportunity for me, a woman — not for my husband. And there were some surprising responses to this from other Christians. Also, as an author, there is more of a spotlight on me than my husband. Again, the typical gender norms that often exist in evangelicalism don’t describe my family’s situation, and thankfully I think that’s becoming more and more the norm.

3. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? What is the easiest thing?

I think the hardest thing is recognizing I do have feelings about personal situations, they just take time to surface. I have to give them that time. The hardest thing for others to deal with is that even though I don’t fit the typical gender role of a “Christian woman” I will still pull a chair up to the table.

The easiest thing about being a Type Five is researching and observing. As a writer, this helps me in so many ways. Writing allows me to process my feelings, so having a personality that always wants to learn more feels like a great asset as a writer and person.

4. Talk a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram?

I have two kids: an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Parenting is hard, but it is oh-so-good. I love how it teaches me to be selfless. I parent with my husband, which is a great balance for us because he’s very hands-on and playful. I’m more reserved and love to reason with my children. It’s important for me to set aside my distractions and just play with my kids. It’s probably one of the toughest things for me to do. I’m seeing how much I hoard time, especially alone time, so when my kids are playing, I want to get dishes done or laundry done so that when they go to bed, I can read a book or write. But if I did that every time I wanted to, I’d never play with my kids. I discovered the Enneagram about two years ago, so this is all still new, fresh awareness for me. It helps me to ask myself: Am I hoarding time right now or do I really need to get this task done? What’s the worst that can happen if I stop my tasks and play?

5. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs?

I feel like it’s extra hard. I struggle a lot with this, especially working full-time and coming home and feeling like I need some moments to withdraw before jumping back into another social environment that requires even more of me. Luckily, I have a thirty-minute commute and so I’ve started to use that time for introspection. I truly believe that staying present with my children makes me a better person, so it’s important for me to stay mindful of that—even though I still withdraw a lot. But, it’s also important for my family to recognize I sometimes need alone time to re-orient and re-charge, and to give me space when they can. In the end, our family dynamic is a give and take, and we’re all the healthiest when we find balance in recognizing each other’s needs.

6. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? Do you find avarice (greed) creeping in on your relationships with your children?

Yes, avarice always creeps into my relationship with my children; in wanting to withdraw, if that makes sense. I also hoard time, so for me, avarice comes in the form of wanting to not stay present as a mom; wanting to take some alone time or wanting to get things checked off my to-do list. I’m realizing this more and more. It’s so helpful to see it as something that works against my health, which is a huge testimony to the Enneagram. When I was first trying to determine my number the idea of avarice—or greed—made me think I wasn’t a Five. “I’m not a greedy person,” I thought. But then I heard someone being interviewed on a podcast talk about being greedy with time and suddenly it hit me like a demolition ball. I’ve often been wrecked by avarice, but now, with self-awareness, I see how dangerous (in some ways) that greed can really be.

7. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother your children day-in-day-out.

Heart first: When my kids pass big milestones, I get excited. Unlike many moms I know who feel sad about their little child growing up, I rarely feel sadness about a new phase of life. I think this is because I LOVE that I can reason well with my son. I love having deep discussions with anyone, so being able to do that more and more with my children is awesome!

Thoughts: Having a routine helps me out a lot, I thrive better with it than without (glad the summer is over!) Actual thoughts I have often: Did I do this? Did my son get that? Did my daughter do what I asked? When can I get alone time again? How much energy will it take to do this activity? Is there another similar activity that will take less? If I expend this much energy here, when will I next get filled up? Oh my goodness, my son is so wise! My daughter is adorable! I love my kids. I am so annoyed by my kids. Why are they fighting again? Awww, they are playing together, this is so sweet. Wow, what’s it going to be like when she can do this [insert activity]? 

Sensations: My daughter is very touchy. I love how she runs up to me when I arrive home from work and yells my name and gives me a huge hug. I love whenever she plays with my hair or brushes it, or lets me play with hers (that doesn’t often happen). When I tell her she is cute or pretty, she squeals in delight. Both of my children’s laughs are the sweetest sounds to my ears. I love that my daughter wants to sit in my lap or next to me. It took a while to get used to this because my son wasn’t like this, but I have really learned to enjoy her physicality even though I can be big on personal space in most other settings. I know there will come a time when she doesn’t want to do this, and I don’t want to take it for granted.

8. Give us as many tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in!! What have you learned so far?

This tip is for being a mom but also for professional life. I am much better at being social with someone who I have contacted first through email or text or direct message. So, whether networking professionally, or socially for my children, it’s always good for me to make communication contact prior to physical contact.

I hear a lot about how much Fives are in their heads, so one thing that has helped me as a mom is to do physical activities with my kids. When I come home from work, my mind is reeling, it’s good for me to go outside with the kids and kick a soccer ball or pick up sticks together. Moving my body gets out of my mind while also connecting with my kids.

It’s hard for me to write when my kids are around, so I’ve learned to set aside writing time either while the kids are sleeping or while they’re with a sitter. This can be challenging, especially now that we live far away from family, but it’s been important for me to thrive.

I’ve also just recently read The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz which talks about the need for stillness. While silence is relatively easy for me (and quite welcome when I get to be alone) stillness is tough, especially trying to still my mind. I’m just now getting into some contemplative prayer practices and it feels like holy resistance doing so.

Gena1Gena Thomas is a writer, a faith wrestler, a wife, and a mom. She and her husband, Andrew, have been married for 10 years and they have two children, an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Gena works as an instructional designer at a nonprofit that equips local churches within the area of holistic development. She has written for several Christian publications, and published her first book, A Smoldering Wick: Igniting Missions Work with Sustainable Practices in 2016. Her second book, Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey unpacks the story of Gena reuniting her Honduran foster daughter with her family after separation at the US border. Separated by the Border comes out October 29, 2019. Gena can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and on Twitter, where she’s most active.

*Cover Photo by Aswin on Unsplash

How Do I Thrive as a Type 5 Parent?: Kristel Acevedo Talks Gender and Parenting

Posted on by melissakircher

sai-de-silva-httxbngkapo-unsplash.jpgParenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and thus I’m constantly looking for resources to help me understand healthy ways to do this nebulous thing of raising another human. As an Enneagram student and teacher, I’m fascinated by how each Type approaches parenting, and how this ancient wisdom tool can help us all become more aware, more loving, and more spacious with our children and with ourselves.

I follow the guideline that most master Enneagram teachers advocate: don’t Type your kids. Parents can always get things wrong and create a false reality/personality that children adopt, only to figure out later they aren’t the person you always told them they were. Bottom line: Typing children has the potential to create harm. But, I DO think the Enneagram helps us become healthier people and parents. It also gives us a “paying attention mindset” — watching the patterns of behavior, energy, and time orientation our kids are displaying, then utilizing our Enneagram knowledge to draw out well-rounded ways of being in our children.

An amazing Twitter thread that began between Kristel Acevedo and Gena Thomas about Enneagram Five womanhood and parenting (and many more Type Five voices) inspired me to reach out to both Kristel and Gena. Both graciously agreed to an interview! Welcome Kristel, we’re all thrilled to hear from you today!

Enneagram 5 Womanhood & Parenting

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? I tend to stick to spaces I feel comfortable in. New environments usually cause me to be more quiet and observant. However, once I am familiar with a space I feel freer.

2. Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? I like that I am observant, logical, and pretty balanced. To me, that’s an advantage because I don’t feel like I get swept up in frenzy.

3. If you identify as a WOC please tell us about your experiences. As a woman who is the daughter of immigrants and as a Type Five, I feel it is my duty to share my observations on topics that are important to me, especially immigration. I can share my views in a balanced and fair way, and also have the ability to listen to others. I think I do a good job, most of the time, of keeping my emotions in check when discussing my experiences as a WOC.

4. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships? I identify as fully female, but I also think that I don’t carry some of the baggage of what some people believe a woman “should be.” Growing up, I saw my mom work hard outside of the home to break through glass ceilings. She never put her dreams on hold, but was still a loving (albeit, not very emotional) mother. She didn’t cook or spend her days cleaning up after us. I think it’s because of this that I didn’t feel the pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. I can just be who I am without thinking, “Is this what a woman is supposed to do?” I will admit that sometimes people have made me doubt the way I am naturally wired, but I have to believe that I am how I am for a reason. I spent a few years in my early motherhood trying to be a martyr. Once I snapped out of that and explored what best fits me as a parent, I could enjoy being a mom a lot more.

5. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? I’ve run into people thinking I’m emotionless. Or they’re not sure what to think of me because I’m hard to read. I’ve also been told that I look like I’m upset when in reality, I’m not. I have a hard time being with large groups of women that are all chatting away about something I’m not familiar with. I prefer smaller groups or one-on-one conversations. I also find that I get tired out easily. I try to keep my commitments low. What is the easiest thing about being a Five woman? In general, being observant and having the ability to bring a calming effect where ever I go.

6. What do you wish people knew/understood about women Fives? We are emotionally sensitive, we just don’t always show it.

7. Tell us a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram? I have two children. A boy who is eight and a girl who is six-years-old. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years. I began working outside the home when my oldest was in 1st grade. I’m married and thankfully my husband is a great dad! I discovered the Enneagram when my children were about five and three.

8. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs? I am lucky to parent with my husband who now understands my very real need to have time alone. He has learned to anticipate my need for alone time and will send me off to our room or to Starbucks so I can decompress. I find that when I have that time to myself on the front end, I can come back to my kids feeling truly refreshed and ready to talk, hug, sing, dance, and do all the fun mom things. I try to be fully present when I am with them, but I have also learned to let them know that I have my limits and that sometimes, “My brain is tired.” Thankfully, they have learned that when my brain is tired, it’s time for some quiet time.

9. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? I simply don’t have the energy to do all the things. That’s why we limit extracurricular activities and put a priority on family time at home. I sometimes feel bad that my energy is limited. But again, I’m thankful to be married to someone who has more energy than I do! Although as a Type Nine, my husband doesn’t have THAT much more energy! Do you find avarice creeping in on your relationships with your children? Maybe, regarding time, but honestly, not really. I realize that my time with them is limited and I want to make the most of it. Right now they are my top priority, but with each passing year they grow more independent and I know these needy little years won’t last forever.

10. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother day-in-day-out. I love my kids, absolutely and without question. But I’m also not “obsessed” with my kids. I’m okay if I’m not there for every little thing. I’m not a helicopter parent. I don’t feel the need to do everything for them. I push them towards independence little by little each day. I am affectionate with them and tell them I love them all the time, because I know that it would be very easy for me, as a Five, to be emotionally cut off, and I don’t want to be emotionally cut off from my children. I have a Four wing and I think this helps me in my mothering. I’m moved by beautiful things, and I find my children to be beautiful. It’s easy for me to show them my love. I definitely have my limits when it comes to physical touch. I am okay cuddling for a limited amount of time, but I also like my space and feel panicked when I feel like my space is being infringed on. I also feel panicked when I feel they are throwing too many words at me for me to pick up. I crave silence and seek it when I feel my kids have pushed me to my limit.

11. Give us as any tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in! What have you learned so far? I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all. When my son was born, attachment parenting was popular. I exclusively breastfed him, cloth diapered, co-slept, etc. And I just about lost my mind. PPD hit me hard, and I was not enjoying being a mother. I wouldn’t even let my husband take over for a few hours because I didn’t trust him and thought I had to do it all. I learned that it’s silly to martyr yourself as a mother. I would much rather lean into the old phrase, “it takes a village.” Finding my village has made me happier and lighter. I love seeing my kids form meaningful relationships with other adults and teenagers. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less just because I need a break from them. Being able to take breaks and do my own thing allows me to soak up the times we are together. I take my parenting responsibilities seriously, but I also want to have fun with my kids. That means we need to have some time apart so I’m not stressed out all the time.

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Kristel Acevedo spends her days working and serving in her local church by assisting the pastor, writing content, and managing social media. She has a passion for spreading hope and inspiration through her writing. She grew up in Miami but has made several moves to different states and is now settled into South Carolina with her husband, two kids, and puppy.
Instagram and Twitter: @KristelAce

 

*Stock Photo by Sai De Silva & on Unsplash

 

 

Deep Dive with a Five: Samantha Eubanks

Posted on by melissakircher

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“I’ve never minded it,” he went on. “Being lost, that is. I had always thought one could not truly be lost if one knew one’s own heart. But I fear I may be lost without knowing yours.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Another Type Five interview this week! I’m so happy my fellow nerd turtles are braving the world and willing to open up and share their heads and hearts with all of you. It’s hard for us Fives to trust that we can be ourselves and be accepted, maybe even loved! So glad to have you, Samantha, and thanks a million for giving all of us even more insight into the Olympic minds and deep feelings of Type Fives.

1. Fives see and experience the world by trying to make sense of it with their thoughts. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

As a Five, I feel like to fully experience something; I have to know a lot about it first. Like, it’s hard for me to really appreciate a movie unless I’ve researched everything about it beforehand. I’m really trying to balance out this part of myself by practicing being present and being curious about something instead of pulling out my phone to get the immediate answer. My partner is a Type Seven, and I’ve learned a lot from him because he is very present in his experiences. I can sometimes ruin the mood when we’re hiking and go into a monologue about how to survive a bear attack from every type of bear, bear traits, and bear facts. There’s a time and a place!

2. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Seven? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Eight? 

When I move to Seven in stress, I can either be really fun or like, a little much. I get really chatty and can’t stop moving. I’ll have a whole day of hopping around from one thing to another planned. This can be great for the people I’m in relationships with (because, whoa, I’ve actually planned things), or quickly draining, and then they need space. Mainly, when I move into Seven, I get really excessive with my needs and my wants. In turn, this causes me to ignore the needs and wants of my loved ones. I can become pretty self-absorbed when I’m stressed.

In Type Eight, I am a very encouraging friend. I’m a bold and confident communicator, and I’m not overly observant of myself, which allows me to be more present for my friends because I can easily forget about my social insecurities. I also become more assertive when I move into Eight. This can either be great in some relationships or offensive because it definitely helps me set boundaries that I’m not confident setting when I’m in full Five mode. Overall, in Eight, I’m able to identify and address the needs of others while also acknowledging my own. Then, I try to figure out how both of our needs can be met.

3. How does Avarice/Greed play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself hoarding time, energy, and resources?

Greed shows up for me with my time. I worry a lot about getting too engulfed in people’s lives because to me I feel like they will have unrealistic expectations of how much time I should spend with them. This is usually untrue, but this fear has stopped me from getting close to people before. I think it’s honestly just an excuse to comfortably lean back into a natural reclusive state. I’ve learned, though, that every time I do let go and share my time, it is so worth it and I feel so much better! I am always reminding myself that there is enough. There is enough time to go around, and it’s okay to share it.

At one point, I hoarded lots of books that I didn’t read, but having them around me felt really safe and comforting. I’ve since gotten rid of most of them and try not to get too attached to material things like that. Instead, I hoard library books because, at some point, I have to let them go (usually after lots of overdue notices!). If I’m feeling very Seven (very excessive), I get as many books as I can carry and bring them home with me and they usually remain un-cracked, but I just really like their company! Is this a problem? Probably. Yes. *Shrug*

4. Are you a parent? How does your Type influence parenting? If you’re not a parent, what do you imagine would be some strengths and weakness in being a Type Five parent?

I’m not a parent, but I think something that might be a weakness for me as a parent in the future would be not having enough energy to keep up with the littles. Like most Fives, I have a small tank of energy that can be drained pretty quickly. I really try to conserve my energy for my creative projects and work, so I just worry that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with everything. I think a strength would be my creativity and my ability to connect with kids. I work with children on a day-to-day basis and writing for kids is my life’s work. I love talking to kids, hearing their ideas, their stories, and I love being silly with them. Kids keep you in the moment, and I love that.

5. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Five?

My enneagram wing is Four. I think my wing is a big part of my creativity. I’ve always been a dreamer and a little idealistic. I love exploring different outlets for my creativity. I love writing, photography, music, painting, video editing and crafting. I want to do anything and everything when it comes to art.

On the emotional side of the Four, I’m very introspective. Sharing can be fun for me and pretty easy at times until the Five pushes back and says, “Danger! Hoard your personal information, or it will be used against you!” *eye roll* So, these two sides fight quite often and can leave me sounding pretty vague when people try to connect with me. The Four side has allowed me to form deeply meaningful and rich relationships that I absolutely treasure. Though, when I’m first meeting someone, the Five is in high gear, and it usually takes months and months for the Four side to reveal itself. I’m trying to work on a balance between the two!

Overall, though, the Four really balances out my drive for dry, mundane information that my dominant type brings out. It reminds me to look at things creatively and not so analytically. I think it’s my fun side.

6. What would the phrase, “You know enough, you can handle this. You are wise,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

It would allow me to feel freer, less constrained, and not so concerned with incompetence. I wouldn’t constantly be searching or preparing (for what? I don’t know!). I would be able to let everything be and relax, and I would understand that what I need to know would come to me.

7. As a Type Five do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I connect to spirituality in nature because it’s there that I feel most present and in my body. I also practice meditation. Meditation reminds me of my breath. It reminds me that breath is life. It reminds me to slow down and take a look around to see without having to know exactly what I’m looking at.

8. How does emotion show up in your life? Do you value or suppress emotion?

I definitely suppress emotion. When I get sad, I get mad at myself for feeling sad. I try to practice holding onto an emotion, observing it, considering it for a little bit and then letting it go, so it doesn’t bottle up and explode one day. I am so envious of people who can process emotions quickly. I think it’s beautiful to be so in tune and able to just let the emotions flow. For me, it truly takes me months to process big life changes and how I feel about them. When emotion does show up immediately for me, like if there’s an argument and I get angry, or something sad happened, and I cry, I feel really out of control, like I’m crazy, when no, I’m just a human. I really need some kind of mantra for this! Any suggestions?

From Melissa: Feeling emotion is constant, daily work for me, too! My emotions overwhelm me in the moment, so I often have to pick a mantra like you and remind myself that “this will pass” or “feelings are healthy.” But I can’t lie, sometimes I just don’t know that something impacted me until a day or two later and I’m sobbing in the shower! Bodywork and grounding practices like yoga have helped me recognize when my body is alerting me to emotion by an adrenaline rush, tightened muscles, sweat… all those things we Fives try to ignore!)

9. Talk about what the words Voice and Relationship mean to you today.

Voice – Right now, voice is the thing I keep pushing toward the uppermost part of my heart because I want to remember to use it. I want to use my voice to encourage those I love. I want to give voice to my needs and to the needs of others, so they know they’re heard. I want to continue giving voice to characters I create. I want to stay true to my voice in my work and all that I do.

Relationship – Listening. Loving. Hard work. Good work. Soul work. Grace. Partnership. Good Intent. Kindness. Boundaries. Conflict. Selflessness. Joy. Fun. Presence. Laughter. Play.

Thank you, Samantha!!

samantha2Samantha Eubanks is a freelance writer working from Nashville, TN with a furry dog at her feet and a story at the tips of her fingers. You can follow her at @WritingWithSam on Twitter for updates on her creative projects and website, samantha-writes.com. When she’s not writing, Samantha is overcoming her fear of whales, dreaming of travel with her fiancé, and kissing her dog sloppily on the mouth.

*Photo by Jan Traid on Unsplash