It was an honor and joy to talk to Nicole Groenewald on her Chase Joy 100 Ways podcast this week. We discussed how parents can use aspects of the Enneagram to create safe, expansive, and aware spaces for their kids to grow! You can listen on Apple Podcasts and all podcast streaming apps.
Click on the picture below to go right to the podcast and listen. I hope you enjoy!
One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by coaching clients, people in Enneagram Groups I lead, and on social media is how to use the Enneagram in parenting. I’m a parent myself and have wondered many times, “Is there a way to use the Enneagram to somehow NOT screw up my kids?”
The answer is yes and no at the same time, as all wise answers tend to be. The good news is that we CAN use this centuries-old tool to help us as parents know, heal, and love ourselves in nine unique ways. With this knowledge, we CAN—with new awareness—provide creative, brave spaces for our children to develop their own healthy sense of personhood.
However, we don’t ever want to Type our kids in the sense that we guess what number they are and then say to them, “You’re a Type Four, and this is what that means.”
Why not? Well, there are potentially severe and long-lasting ramifications to typing children, and we’re aiming for health, not harm.
DON’T Type Your Kids!
Most master Enneagram teachers advise strongly against typing of any kind until kiddos are well into their teens. Some say 16-18 is okay to start conversations around the Enneagram. Others recommend waiting to introduce the system until kids have left home and are into their 20’s. Here’s why: Creating a false sense of self for your child can be traumatic and hard to undo once a child grows up. Neurological studies show that our brains aren’t fully developed until age 25, so we’re all still forming our patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and motivation biases until around then.
Children are changing and growing – all the time. They need space, not labels. According to the American College of Pediatrics, “The way parents or teachers label a child can have a lasting impact on how that child sees him or herself.” Placing a label on them like an Enneagram Type before they are cognitively and emotionally ready to process their own personhood can damage their sense of self. You, the parent, are telling them, “This is who you are,” but that might not be true, and it could create a war inside of the child, who then tries to fit into a certain kind of mold they think they should be.
Yes, many of our Enneagram Type-specific survival tools develop during childhood, but children don’t have the maturity or bandwidth to differentiate yet between an authentic self and a label.
Therefore, I’d strongly—almost universally—advise against sharing the Enneagram with children. I would never tell a child, “You are a Type ______.”
So then how do we as parents use the Enneagram in raising our kids?
Know Yourself Well, and Then Observe Your Children!
First, we focus on our personal Enneagram journey. This will help us better understand how we’re wired to act and react in our relationships with our children. Self-awareness and Enneagram work reveals the ways in which we move about in the world, and helps us grow into healthier, more expansive people—which directly affects our parenting styles. If we’re in the Assertive Stance, we then know we’ll need to make sure to slow down and really make time for our children. If we’re in the Heart Triad, we’ll know that it will take effort to bring up logical thinking and gut intuition to parent with a balance of all three Intelligence Centers. We don’t have to try to be the perfect parent, only an aware one. With awareness, we accept our shortcomings, work on them, and ask for plenty of help, forgiveness, and grace. We’re all doing our best and that’s something to be proud of!
The Enneagram also shows us the places where our Types can shine! A Type Seven parent is the one to come up with awesome adventures, and a Type Four will truly understand whatever emotional turmoil a child might experience. We can bank on our strengths to help us navigate the murky waters of the never-ending, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this child?”
Second, we understand that while the Enneagram shouldn’t be used as a typing system for kids and teens, it can be safely used as an observation tool. By paying attention to our children’s ever-evolving patterns of behavior, speech, emotions, and thought-life, we can create healthier family dynamics by providing opportunities for our children to grow in awareness and balance.
The Intelligence Centers in Children
Pay attention to (in a given phase, year, or period of time) which Heart, Mind, and Body Triads in your children seem more dominant as they grow and change. By creating a family culture of communication and space, you can ask your kids and teens to share how they feel, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their bodies. Teaching the recognition of these processing styles (head, heart, mind) can help your children bring up centers they may not be dominant in at a certain phase of their development. For example, a child who seems to react to the world with her body by hitting, running, grunting, breathing hard, or jumping around, could have a parent engage in a body activity with her, talking about what feelings come up when they hit a punching bag together. This practice allows—without forcing—both her seemingly dominant way of being in the world, but also a new awareness of the importance of emotions. We want to provide connecting opportunities for kids to be themselves, while also encountering something new!
The Energy Stances in Children
Similarly, we can observe whether our kids seem to be (at a particular time) dominant in the Aggressive, Compliant, and Withdrawn Stance. Watch to see if this ebbs and flows, or stays more constant. Focus on awareness and activities that relate to their dominant Energy Stances such as reading or music lessons for withdrawn-seeming kiddos, but also on fostering space for their seemingly non-dominant stances to come out to play. Gently encourage a more withdrawn child to talk to one new person on the playground or suggest that a compliant child spend some time journaling about their feelings. The key isn’t to force balance (or a stance you’d rather the child have), but to introduce the child to all three Energy Stances in ways that are both safe and mildly challenging so that they grow.
Lastly, we can note Time Orientation, observing the Future, Present, or Past Time Orientations in our kids as they grow and change. The key is still to allow space and nurturing for their dominant orientation, while also offering awareness and activities that relate to the other two non-dominant time orientations.
I hope this resource helps us as together we parent with love, acceptance, and a ton of grace! -Melissa
Type 1: You know that you will need areas of control, structure, and productivity. Try to schedule these times when you are NOT parenting. Create zones during the day where you can cook, clean, deal with finances, work, or organize—when children are on their screens, doing schoolwork (on their own), or are being watched by your partner, roommate, spouse, grandparent, online babysitter, or in bed. Instead of trying to fight against your gifting and real need for order, work WITH it! Set aside “parenting time” where you as the adult understand things with kiddos will get messy, chaotic, loud, and unpredictable. After your parenting time, make sure not only are you allowing yourself productivity, but also that you’re physically exerting any emotions stored up during the day. Box in the garage, run on a treadmill, scream into a pillow (we all need this sometimes), practice yoga, or dance to a raging good song! Additionally, please add in times of pleasure: read a book, drink wine, listen to music, talk to a friend on the phone, order something online, draw, craft…whatever brings you joy!
Type 2: Be aware of your need to be SO helpful to your kiddos while they are home and adjusting to homeschool, lack of social connection, and generally being stuck-the-heck indoors! Also, there’s the whole germ-y thing that they’re trying to process. It’s weird and overwhelming for you all. However, make sure you don’t overwhelm THEM. Give your children some space to connect with their teachers, therapists, and friends online, and resist the urge to ask them about it. Give them space. While this space is being taken, please use it to look inward. Ask yourself what YOU need and then provide it if you can. If you’re living with a partner, spouse, or parent, ask them to meet some of your needs. Ask them to listen to your feelings. There are so many feelings. You’re dealing with an ultra-focus on immediate family, while also worrying about all the other friends and loved ones in your life. Trust that they will still be there, and allow yourself to relax. Meditate. Take a bath. Work out. Journal. Paying attention to you will help the whole family structure become even more healthy.
Type 3: Being home and in quarantine with your kiddos is going to test you, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent. Your need is to do and achieve. This isn’t possible when parenting during a crisis situation in which you’re all stuck together in one space. Make room for the rage that will emerge. Plan for it. Create a physical space that you can vent the inevitable frustration that arises when dealing with kids who have tons of energy, wills of their own, and are dealing with as much change and upheaval as you. How can you succeed? You can create work, home, cleaning, grocery shopping, exercise, or mental health goals to accomplish. Focus your main thrust of energies there, so that when it comes to parenting, you can relax more and go with the flow. Resist the urge to turn off and disconnect. Instead, think about ways you can help your children flourish. What does the team need right now? Ask your partner, roommate, spouse, parents, or other parent friends for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, your super-strength is authenticity. Be you, that’s what your kids truly need.
Type 4: Fours under stress move into Two energy, which means that you have a high likelihood of going into “superparent” mode during a quarantine. At first, it might feel good to meet everyone’s needs, be warm, helpful, giving, loving, and serving…but after a while this modality will take a toll. It’s okay. Expect that you will blow up with frustration and unrequited needs at some point. If/when this happens, allow yourself space to be. Withdraw like your Four self requires and allow a spouse, partner, parent, or the TV to watch your kids for a couple of hours. Use this time to walk, sit in the sun, write poetry, draw, scream in the car, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Create a schedule to complete your work, as well. Your job is just as important as your parenting. Love on you, and resist the urge to think you can never be enough. You already ARE enough. Bring back to your kiddos a sense of beauty in the mundane and creative ways to endure and find fun amidst a strange, bewildering time.
Type 5: Quarantine sounds like it’d be the answer to a Five’s social prayers except for two things. 1) We NEED people. 2) If you’re a Five parent you will get way too much people for a while. Lovingly accept your energy limitations and plan for them. Kids (of all ages) will suck more from you than you will ever have to give. Create spaces during the day where you can be totally off. Let another caregiver take over and hide in your room, closet, car, shower…anywhere you can have uninterrupted alone time to think and refuel. Again, if you’re a single parent, ain’t nothing wrong with letting a screen be your babysitter for a while! If you can, create separate space to do your job. Fives need time to think, time to work, and time to parent—all separately, or you burn out fast! Your Five parent superpower is attention, so pay attention to how your kiddos moods and energies shift, allowing non-attached space for the day to morph according to their needs. You’re great at disseminating information to kids in age-appropriate ways, and right now kids need to have real talks with facts and data, tailored to what they can understand. Find moments of true joy and enjoyment with your kids, these will become memories you’ll cherish for a long time to come.
Type 6: This is your time, you’ve been prepared, and now that it’s here, you’re both calm and terrified, probably in waves that push and pull at you with disorientating intensity. The great news is that kids will thrive under quarantine with a Six parent who knows what’s what and how to handle the intense things happening. You’re uniquely gifted to bring you children a sense of safety and readiness right now. Watch out for the tendency to discuss too much of the world’s crisis in front of your kids. It might feel good to talk, talk, talk about Covid-19 and the potential ramifications, but this anxiety can easily bleed into your children, causing them to feel terrified and possibly hide that terror from you. Be aware that in stress you push a little harder, become a bit more driven, and expect too much from your body. Temper this with family meditation practices, slow walks, relaxed homeschooling, and playful games.
Type 7: Oh, wonderful Seven parents from whom quarantine with your kids probably initially felt like someone was building a brick wall around you—a brick wall of inescapable torture! Your need for adventure, change, pleasure, and fun now has to be exercised in a limited space with limited people who, let’s be honest, are sometimes less than fun! Here’s the upside of being a Seven parent during quarantine, you’re gifted at sucking the joyful marrow out of anything. You have a superpower of turning a house into an adventure, a backyard into a mysterious play land. If your kids are older, think of all the ideas you’ll have to help them creatively attack their schoolwork, meeting virtually with friends, trying new hobbies, and investigating themselves. You’re deep, loving parents who have a wealth of care and emotional space to offer your children during this trying time. Make sure to extend creative thinking to yourself, finding unique ways to get the movement, energy, and variety you truly need to be your best self. Take the dog for a walk, invest in a master class, read interesting books, learn new trades, build stuff, tackle the yard work, and vent your feelings to the good old clouds whenever you can! (No one can see you talking to yourself now!) If you’re working from home, be aware that kids will test your propensity to inattentiveness, so carve out specific time to focus on and complete work tasks.
Type 8: Understand you’re a ball of intensity with a molten heart of gold. While your protected innocence makes you an amazing parent and lover of kids of all ages, during this time where triggers and emotions are running high, you’ll have to pay attention to your driven urges. Kids need space to be themselves; whether that means quiet, sad, joyful, funny, apathetic, withdrawn, or causing a ruckus. Metaphorically sit on your hands when you want to push them toward intent, purpose, betterment, and a drive they just might not share with you. Ask them questions about what they need from you. If it’s a break, use that time to complete your work and don’t worry that your kids are playing with mud or getting to the next level of a video game. It’s okay to be you and get shit done, while your kids get lost in their own worlds. Your superpower is your soft heart, so use it to have cuddle time, lots of deep talks, hugs, and reassurance that you’re there and you love your kiddos (of any age) fiercely. They need this so much right now, and Eights love like heroes.
Type 9: Quarantine with kids for a Nine will probably feel nice for a while, until it doesn’t. Allow yourself space for this progression to happen. Soak in the wonderfulness of being together, all the family time and experiences that you’re experiencing anew. Also allow yourself space for those kids to start to get on your nerves, ramp up your anxiety, and make you want to bust a hole in the wall and escape. Like the mantra of a Nine, it’s all okay. Where you’ll thrive during quarantine is one-on-one peacemaking/harmony. Focus your gifts on having chats with each child individually (again, any age) and really soak in their perspective, lending them your calm and understanding wherever they are. You’ll want to refrain from trying to be a group peacemaker in this instance, though. Tensions will run high at moments, and while you can understand everyone’s perspective, they might not. Accept that fights will happen and that conflict is inevitable. If it gets too much, ask a partner or other caregiver to step in so you can retreat and get some air. Take care of your body with exercise, healthy food whenever possible, and if you have a tele-therapist, utilize them to make sure you’re paying attention to YOU. Additionally, if you’re working from home, ask your partner or a co-worker to prioritize the day’s work tasks for you so that you don’t get too caught up in family life; your job still needs to get done.
Today I’m happy to welcome Gena Thomas to Enneagram Paths to continue our look into Type Five Parenting and what it feels like to identify as a Type Five woman. Gena is a mother, faith-wrestler, and writer, with her second book Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey comes out in October 2019.
Welcome, Gena, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences!
1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages?
I’ve recently discovered I’m a Five after about a year of trying to figure out my Enneagram number. It’s been interesting to think through what it means to be a female Type Five because most Fives interviewed on the podcasts I listen to are men. It helps me better understand (with my Four Wing) why I can be so emotional about certain things and non-emotional about much of the rest of my life. The advantage is, in my opinion, that I often have an objective view of life, so I rarely respond or make choices out of emotion. This keeps me relatively level-headed amid heated moments. However, my Five -ness seems to be not what is expected or seemingly desired of women by society, especially in Christian circles. One of the disadvantages of being a woman Five is that I never feel like I fit into other’s expectations. I question things. At first, this is viewed as good and healthy—until I probe into areas that people would like me to leave alone. Then, I’m viewed in a negative light. But I can’t seem to hold in my questions; perceivably good or bad, they are my most constant companion.
2. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships?
I identify as she/her. All of my life I have been a Christian, so being a female Five has been a part of my daily experiences in the different circles I’ve found myself in. As a woman, I’m grateful to have found some faith communities that embrace me fully. The first of these was in undergrad where questioning was the norm for everyone. The second was in graduate school, where I met others doing difficult faith-based work in community development who understand and embodied in a deep way that to have faith is to simultaneously question why the world is in the state it is in. But on a whole, being a Christian woman Five is a curious space to occupy. I hold strongly to my beliefs, but I also don’t fear doubt in a way that seems to be the norm for many Christian spaces. The story of Jacob wrestling God has been one I’ve always held dear. I consider myself a faith wrestler, and I believe that will be a lifelong endeavor for me. I also am very egalitarian and believe the gospel message unhinges the earthly hierarchies we create, including the gender hierarchy. My family moved to a new state recently because of a job opportunity for me, a woman — not for my husband. And there were some surprising responses to this from other Christians. Also, as an author, there is more of a spotlight on me than my husband. Again, the typical gender norms that often exist in evangelicalism don’t describe my family’s situation, and thankfully I think that’s becoming more and more the norm.
3. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? What is the easiest thing?
I think the hardest thing is recognizing I do have feelings about personal situations, they just take time to surface. I have to give them that time. The hardest thing for others to deal with is that even though I don’t fit the typical gender role of a “Christian woman” I will still pull a chair up to the table.
The easiest thing about being a Type Five is researching and observing. As a writer, this helps me in so many ways. Writing allows me to process my feelings, so having a personality that always wants to learn more feels like a great asset as a writer and person.
4. Talk a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram?
I have two kids: an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Parenting is hard, but it is oh-so-good. I love how it teaches me to be selfless. I parent with my husband, which is a great balance for us because he’s very hands-on and playful. I’m more reserved and love to reason with my children. It’s important for me to set aside my distractions and just play with my kids. It’s probably one of the toughest things for me to do. I’m seeing how much I hoard time, especially alone time, so when my kids are playing, I want to get dishes done or laundry done so that when they go to bed, I can read a book or write. But if I did that every time I wanted to, I’d never play with my kids. I discovered the Enneagram about two years ago, so this is all still new, fresh awareness for me. It helps me to ask myself: Am I hoarding time right now or do I really need to get this task done? What’s the worst that can happen if I stop my tasks and play?
5. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs?
I feel like it’s extra hard. I struggle a lot with this, especially working full-time and coming home and feeling like I need some moments to withdraw before jumping back into another social environment that requires even more of me. Luckily, I have a thirty-minute commute and so I’ve started to use that time for introspection. I truly believe that staying present with my children makes me a better person, so it’s important for me to stay mindful of that—even though I still withdraw a lot. But, it’s also important for my family to recognize I sometimes need alone time to re-orient and re-charge, and to give me space when they can. In the end, our family dynamic is a give and take, and we’re all the healthiest when we find balance in recognizing each other’s needs.
6. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? Do you find avarice (greed) creeping in on your relationships with your children?
Yes, avarice always creeps into my relationship with my children; in wanting to withdraw, if that makes sense. I also hoard time, so for me, avarice comes in the form of wanting to not stay present as a mom; wanting to take some alone time or wanting to get things checked off my to-do list. I’m realizing this more and more. It’s so helpful to see it as something that works against my health, which is a huge testimony to the Enneagram. When I was first trying to determine my number the idea of avarice—or greed—made me think I wasn’t a Five. “I’m not a greedy person,” I thought. But then I heard someone being interviewed on a podcast talk about being greedy with time and suddenly it hit me like a demolition ball. I’ve often been wrecked by avarice, but now, with self-awareness, I see how dangerous (in some ways) that greed can really be.
7. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother your children day-in-day-out.
Heart first: When my kids pass big milestones, I get excited. Unlike many moms I know who feel sad about their little child growing up, I rarely feel sadness about a new phase of life. I think this is because I LOVE that I can reason well with my son. I love having deep discussions with anyone, so being able to do that more and more with my children is awesome!
Thoughts: Having a routine helps me out a lot, I thrive better with it than without (glad the summer is over!) Actual thoughts I have often: Did I do this? Did my son get that? Did my daughter do what I asked? When can I get alone time again? How much energy will it take to do this activity? Is there another similar activity that will take less? If I expend this much energy here, when will I next get filled up? Oh my goodness, my son is so wise! My daughter is adorable! I love my kids. I am so annoyed by my kids. Why are they fighting again? Awww, they are playing together, this is so sweet. Wow, what’s it going to be like when she can do this [insert activity]?
Sensations: My daughter is very touchy. I love how she runs up to me when I arrive home from work and yells my name and gives me a huge hug. I love whenever she plays with my hair or brushes it, or lets me play with hers (that doesn’t often happen). When I tell her she is cute or pretty, she squeals in delight. Both of my children’s laughs are the sweetest sounds to my ears. I love that my daughter wants to sit in my lap or next to me. It took a while to get used to this because my son wasn’t like this, but I have really learned to enjoy her physicality even though I can be big on personal space in most other settings. I know there will come a time when she doesn’t want to do this, and I don’t want to take it for granted.
8. Give us as many tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in!! What have you learned so far?
This tip is for being a mom but also for professional life. I am much better at being social with someone who I have contacted first through email or text or direct message. So, whether networking professionally, or socially for my children, it’s always good for me to make communication contact prior to physical contact.
I hear a lot about how much Fives are in their heads, so one thing that has helped me as a mom is to do physical activities with my kids. When I come home from work, my mind is reeling, it’s good for me to go outside with the kids and kick a soccer ball or pick up sticks together. Moving my body gets out of my mind while also connecting with my kids.
It’s hard for me to write when my kids are around, so I’ve learned to set aside writing time either while the kids are sleeping or while they’re with a sitter. This can be challenging, especially now that we live far away from family, but it’s been important for me to thrive.
I’ve also just recently read The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz which talks about the need for stillness. While silence is relatively easy for me (and quite welcome when I get to be alone) stillness is tough, especially trying to still my mind. I’m just now getting into some contemplative prayer practices and it feels like holy resistance doing so.
Gena Thomas is a writer, a faith wrestler, a wife, and a mom. She and her husband, Andrew, have been married for 10 years and they have two children, an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Gena works as an instructional designer at a nonprofit that equips local churches within the area of holistic development. She has written for several Christian publications, and published her first book, A Smoldering Wick: Igniting Missions Work with Sustainable Practices in 2016. Her second book, Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey unpacks the story of Gena reuniting her Honduran foster daughter with her family after separation at the US border. Separated by the Border comes out October 29, 2019. Gena can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and on Twitter, where she’s most active.
Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and thus I’m constantly looking for resources to help me understand healthy ways to do this nebulous thing of raising another human. As an Enneagram student and teacher, I’m fascinated by how each Type approaches parenting, and how this ancient wisdom tool can help us all become more aware, more loving, and more spacious with our children and with ourselves.
I follow the guideline that most master Enneagram teachers advocate: don’t Type your kids. Parents can always get things wrong and create a false reality/personality that children adopt, only to figure out later they aren’t the person you always told them they were. Bottom line: Typing children has the potential to create harm. But, I DO think the Enneagram helps us become healthier people and parents. It also gives us a “paying attention mindset” — watching the patterns of behavior, energy, and time orientation our kids are displaying, then utilizing our Enneagram knowledge to draw out well-rounded ways of being in our children.
An amazing Twitter thread that began between Kristel Acevedo and Gena Thomas about Enneagram Five womanhood and parenting (and many more Type Five voices) inspired me to reach out to both Kristel and Gena. Both graciously agreed to an interview! Welcome Kristel, we’re all thrilled to hear from you today!
Enneagram 5 Womanhood & Parenting
1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? I tend to stick to spaces I feel comfortable in. New environments usually cause me to be more quiet and observant. However, once I am familiar with a space I feel freer.
2. Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? I like that I am observant, logical, and pretty balanced. To me, that’s an advantage because I don’t feel like I get swept up in frenzy.
3. If you identify as a WOC please tell us about your experiences. As a woman who is the daughter of immigrants and as a Type Five, I feel it is my duty to share my observations on topics that are important to me, especially immigration. I can share my views in a balanced and fair way, and also have the ability to listen to others. I think I do a good job, most of the time, of keeping my emotions in check when discussing my experiences as a WOC.
4. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships? I identify as fully female, but I also think that I don’t carry some of the baggage of what some people believe a woman “should be.” Growing up, I saw my mom work hard outside of the home to break through glass ceilings. She never put her dreams on hold, but was still a loving (albeit, not very emotional) mother. She didn’t cook or spend her days cleaning up after us. I think it’s because of this that I didn’t feel the pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. I can just be who I am without thinking, “Is this what a woman is supposed to do?” I will admit that sometimes people have made me doubt the way I am naturally wired, but I have to believe that I am how I am for a reason. I spent a few years in my early motherhood trying to be a martyr. Once I snapped out of that and explored what best fits me as a parent, I could enjoy being a mom a lot more.
5. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? I’ve run into people thinking I’m emotionless. Or they’re not sure what to think of me because I’m hard to read. I’ve also been told that I look like I’m upset when in reality, I’m not. I have a hard time being with large groups of women that are all chatting away about something I’m not familiar with. I prefer smaller groups or one-on-one conversations. I also find that I get tired out easily. I try to keep my commitments low. What is the easiest thing about being a Five woman? In general, being observant and having the ability to bring a calming effect where ever I go.
6. What do you wish people knew/understood about women Fives? We are emotionally sensitive, we just don’t always show it.
7. Tell us a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram? I have two children. A boy who is eight and a girl who is six-years-old. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years. I began working outside the home when my oldest was in 1st grade. I’m married and thankfully my husband is a great dad! I discovered the Enneagram when my children were about five and three.
8. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs? I am lucky to parent with my husband who now understands my very real need to have time alone. He has learned to anticipate my need for alone time and will send me off to our room or to Starbucks so I can decompress. I find that when I have that time to myself on the front end, I can come back to my kids feeling truly refreshed and ready to talk, hug, sing, dance, and do all the fun mom things. I try to be fully present when I am with them, but I have also learned to let them know that I have my limits and that sometimes, “My brain is tired.” Thankfully, they have learned that when my brain is tired, it’s time for some quiet time.
9. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? I simply don’t have the energy to do all the things. That’s why we limit extracurricular activities and put a priority on family time at home. I sometimes feel bad that my energy is limited. But again, I’m thankful to be married to someone who has more energy than I do! Although as a Type Nine, my husband doesn’t have THAT much more energy! Do you find avarice creeping in on your relationships with your children? Maybe, regarding time, but honestly, not really. I realize that my time with them is limited and I want to make the most of it. Right now they are my top priority, but with each passing year they grow more independent and I know these needy little years won’t last forever.
10. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother day-in-day-out. I love my kids, absolutely and without question. But I’m also not “obsessed” with my kids. I’m okay if I’m not there for every little thing. I’m not a helicopter parent. I don’t feel the need to do everything for them. I push them towards independence little by little each day. I am affectionate with them and tell them I love them all the time, because I know that it would be very easy for me, as a Five, to be emotionally cut off, and I don’t want to be emotionally cut off from my children. I have a Four wing and I think this helps me in my mothering. I’m moved by beautiful things, and I find my children to be beautiful. It’s easy for me to show them my love. I definitely have my limits when it comes to physical touch. I am okay cuddling for a limited amount of time, but I also like my space and feel panicked when I feel like my space is being infringed on. I also feel panicked when I feel they are throwing too many words at me for me to pick up. I crave silence and seek it when I feel my kids have pushed me to my limit.
11. Give us as any tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in! What have you learned so far? I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all. When my son was born, attachment parenting was popular. I exclusively breastfed him, cloth diapered, co-slept, etc. And I just about lost my mind. PPD hit me hard, and I was not enjoying being a mother. I wouldn’t even let my husband take over for a few hours because I didn’t trust him and thought I had to do it all. I learned that it’s silly to martyr yourself as a mother. I would much rather lean into the old phrase, “it takes a village.” Finding my village has made me happier and lighter. I love seeing my kids form meaningful relationships with other adults and teenagers. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less just because I need a break from them. Being able to take breaks and do my own thing allows me to soak up the times we are together. I take my parenting responsibilities seriously, but I also want to have fun with my kids. That means we need to have some time apart so I’m not stressed out all the time.
*Stock Photo by Sai De Silva & on Unsplash
