Tag: enneagrampaths

Grief & The Enneagram Part II: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Grief & The Enneagram Part II: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Posted on by melissakircher

Welcome back to this three-part grief and Enneagram series. To summarize why this series is so important let’s revisit an excerpt from the last post:

“Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward. Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.

This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.”

Today, I want to unpack three more type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.

Type Four

Type Fours are known for being comfortable with melancholy and conflicting emotions and are often wonderful people for grievers to speak with when their own hearts cannot figure out how to survive a heavy loss.

Fours believe they are fundamentally different, which, in grief, can also lead them to spiral down a road of overthinking. They try to sort their emotions into a grief identity that makes sense yet remains unique.

But what we don’t often see in Type Fours is the propensity for forward motion. Grief is not about learning to move on; it’s about integrating our losses into our identity in a way that allows us to become more nuanced, intentional, and whole. There is no one more adept at adjusting to big, heavy emotions in an integrative way than Fours.

When they live in their heart center, Fours become witty, clever, insightful, and clear-minded. They work through grief productively, thinking intentionally rather than in a circular way. As a result, Fours begin to spiral upward with high energy and healing for themselves and others.

Type Five

Type Fives are full of wisdom, depth, and intelligence. They look for depth with each question, perfectly delighted to chase ideas down whatever obscure path they find. Because Fives are typically introspective and thoughtful, we assume that grief is something they’ve sorted out. Perhaps Fives have learned how to detach from the pain and therefore experience no grief at all?

Not true. What really happens for a grieving Type Five is that their mental wheels spin faster than ever. You may perceive them as cold and calculated, yet Fives are truly empathetic, deeply attuned people. They search for answers to relieve suffering or lack, but that’s not something available in grief. Not truly.

When Fives are able to become embodied – really connecting to the center of who they are – they will find strength outside of knowledge. Type Fives who allow themselves to take action toward reintegration of their whole selves become authoritative, confident, and compassionate to others and themselves.

Once Type Fives accept a thoughtful path toward healing for themselves, they will become the leaders you always suspected they could become. Their emotional side will surface with intention and grounding, leading others to heal, as well.

Type Six

Type Sixes aren’t strangers to thinking about grief – in fact, Sixes are hyper-aware of potential grief events and do all they can to minimize possible loss before it happens. Once introduced to their story, grief drives secure, steady Sixes into overdrive for resolution.

Then, natural cynicism surfaces, affirming their belief that all things are inherently untrustworthy. This draws Type Sixes further away from integration, where they would experience a settled spirit and an understanding of their secure place in the world, even when threatened by grief.

However, when Sixes embrace grief as truth, they gain new insight about the facts of their life circumstances. They acknowledge their lack of control in loss and recognize the grief in their life is not the end of the story. As they begin healing, their lighthearted, confident nature emerges.

Grief changes Sixes for the better, so long as they process their experiences as survivable. Not in a “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” platitude way, but through gaining soul-deep, inherent wisdom about the nature of life and loss.

Type Sixes long to express their free-spirited, lighthearted, fun side. When grief doesn’t destroy them, Sixes learn they can find a way to trust others and survive the most intimidating pain because life is so much richer than navigating around fear.

Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.

Grief & The Enneagram Part I: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Grief & The Enneagram Part I: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Posted on by melissakircher

Grief work is not easy. We assume those who grieve are sad all the time, wallowing in their feelings and crying over every reminder of their loss. Often, grievers feel avoided and ignored because no one wants to accidentally make the griever feel worse. The same is true of the Enneagram – when a friend knows your Enneagram type, you may find they behave differently based on what they expect you to do or say in response. 

While this can be frustrating, getting to know ourselves better is the only way to disarm these harmful and dismissive assumptions. Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward.

Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.

This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.

Today, I want to unpack type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.

Type One

Type Ones are often perceived as hard, black and white, and intense. They’re known for their strict boundaries and their ever-present inner critic keeping them on track (and held back). 

In grief, this can look like the person chasing down justice for themselves, trying to find the right way to grieve. But no right way exists, and there is often no real justice for the loss we experience. We have no one to blame, so we tend to blame ourselves. If only we could have found a better path, or made better decisions, maybe we wouldn’t be feeling this much pain.

Yet, Type One’s have access to lightheartedness and a playful demeanor. These integration characteristics will move them through melancholic overthinking and onto a path of restoration. When a Type One embraces the unknown with an expectation of warmth on the other end, they can begin to release their rigid expectations of doing grief “correctly.”

Grievers know two emotions can exist at the same time – because there is gray space in life. When a Type One recognizes ambiguity, their laughter returns, despite sad feelings that remain. And this is the path forward.

Type Two

Type Twos are known for being selfless, casual, and willing to set all their needs aside for the well-being of others. They keep their own emotions close to the vest with an intent to serve — which masks their sense of self.

This can mean they don’t actually grieve! Don’t get me wrong, Twos feel deeply and experience grief personally in their lives. But grief itself and the act of grieving are wildly different, and most of the time, Twos can’t move beyond their default coping mechanism of caring for others.

When Type Twos see the truth that their serving is a safety net, things will shift. They become more introspective and introverted, choosing to move toward their own sense of need and healing in a way that disarms the manic energy to serve others.

This integrated Two becomes a total Zen-master, learning how to engage their inner world with the insight and compassion typically reserved for others. From here, they can teach others how to do the same without needing to do it for them. They release the desire to control or manipulate and instead learn to let themselves and others feel their feelings — even when they’re sad.

Type Three

Type Threes are passionate, externally focused, driven, charismatic, and positive. However, the changing masks of a Three make it harder for their genuine emotions to surface. In seasons of grief, this becomes more evident.

Threes need to know they are safe to fall apart, and that level of trust doesn’t come easily. So many Threes will convince others and themselves they’re doing fine. Barely impacted at all, even. Sure, grief is sad, and, like everyone else, they feel sad about the loss. But for the most part, a Three may seem even-keeled and smooth as glass on the outside.

Internally, however, a war is waging. Type Threes who learn to engage their repressed emotions and feel intentionally can be incredibly supportive and loving to themselves and others. Threes are usually supportive, but learning to authentically and honestly support themselves means they also have to drop the act of having it together all the time.

Emotionally healthy Threes will be honest with their safe few when they are overwhelmed, grieving, and need help. The hard part for grieving Threes is that while they believe their masks are intact, everyone else can see the facade cracking. The pressure of loss is too heavy to bear alone, and a Three can move into a place of cooperation for their own healing when the atmosphere is safe enough.

Part 2 & 3 Coming Soon!

Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.

Enneagram Parenting: DON'T Type Your Kids, DO This Instead...

Enneagram Parenting: DON’T Type Your Kids, DO This Instead…

Posted on by melissakircher

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by coaching clients, people in Enneagram Groups I lead, and on social media is how to use the Enneagram in parenting. I’m a parent myself and have wondered many times, “Is there a way to use the Enneagram to somehow NOT screw up my kids?”

The answer is yes and no at the same time, as all wise answers tend to be. The good news is that we CAN use this centuries-old tool to help us as parents know, heal, and love ourselves in nine unique ways. With this knowledge, we CAN—with new awareness—provide creative, brave spaces for our children to develop their own healthy sense of personhood. 

However, we don’t ever want to Type our kids in the sense that we guess what number they are and then say to them, “You’re a Type Four, and this is what that means.”

Why not? Well, there are potentially severe and long-lasting ramifications to typing children, and we’re aiming for health, not harm.

DON’T Type Your Kids!

Most master Enneagram teachers advise strongly against typing of any kind until kiddos are well into their teens. Some say 16-18 is okay to start conversations around the Enneagram. Others recommend waiting to introduce the system until kids have left home and are into their 20’s. Here’s why: Creating a false sense of self for your child can be traumatic and hard to undo once a child grows up. Neurological studies show that our brains aren’t fully developed until age 25, so we’re all still forming our patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and motivation biases until around then.

Children are changing and growing – all the time. They need space, not labels. According to the American College of Pediatrics, “The way parents or teachers label a child can have a lasting impact on how that child sees him or herself.” Placing a label on them like an Enneagram Type before they are cognitively and emotionally ready to process their own personhood can damage their sense of self. You, the parent, are telling them, “This is who you are,” but that might not be true, and it could create a war inside of the child, who then tries to fit into a certain kind of mold they think they should be.

Yes, many of our Enneagram Type-specific survival tools develop during childhood, but children don’t have the maturity or bandwidth to differentiate yet between an authentic self and a label.

Therefore, I’d strongly—almost universally—advise against sharing the Enneagram with children. I would never tell a child, “You are a Type ______.”

So then how do we as parents use the Enneagram in raising our kids?

Know Yourself Well, and Then Observe Your Children!

First, we focus on our personal Enneagram journey. This will help us better understand how we’re wired to act and react in our relationships with our children. Self-awareness and Enneagram work reveals the ways in which we move about in the world, and helps us grow into healthier, more expansive people—which directly affects our parenting styles. If we’re in the Assertive Stance, we then know we’ll need to make sure to slow down and really make time for our children. If we’re in the Heart Triad, we’ll know that it will take effort to bring up logical thinking and gut intuition to parent with a balance of all three Intelligence Centers. We don’t have to try to be the perfect parent, only an aware one. With awareness, we accept our shortcomings, work on them, and ask for plenty of help, forgiveness, and grace. We’re all doing our best and that’s something to be proud of!

The Enneagram also shows us the places where our Types can shine! A Type Seven parent is the one to come up with awesome adventures, and a Type Four will truly understand whatever emotional turmoil a child might experience. We can bank on our strengths to help us navigate the murky waters of the never-ending, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this child?”

Second, we understand that while the Enneagram shouldn’t be used as a typing system for kids and teens, it can be safely used as an observation tool. By paying attention to our children’s ever-evolving patterns of behavior, speech, emotions, and thought-life, we can create healthier family dynamics by providing opportunities for our children to grow in awareness and balance.

The Intelligence Centers in Children

Pay attention to (in a given phase, year, or period of time) which Heart, Mind, and Body Triads in your children seem more dominant as they grow and change. By creating a family culture of communication and space, you can ask your kids and teens to share how they feel, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their bodies. Teaching the recognition of these processing styles (head, heart, mind) can help your children bring up centers they may not be dominant in at a certain phase of their development. For example, a child who seems to react to the world with her body by hitting, running, grunting, breathing hard, or jumping around, could have a parent engage in a body activity with her, talking about what feelings come up when they hit a punching bag together. This practice allows—without forcing—both her seemingly dominant way of being in the world, but also a new awareness of the importance of emotions. We want to provide connecting opportunities for kids to be themselves, while also encountering something new!

The Energy Stances in Children

Similarly, we can observe whether our kids seem to be (at a particular time) dominant in the Aggressive, Compliant, and Withdrawn Stance. Watch to see if this ebbs and flows, or stays more constant. Focus on awareness and activities that relate to their dominant Energy Stances such as reading or music lessons for withdrawn-seeming kiddos, but also on fostering space for their seemingly non-dominant stances to come out to play. Gently encourage a more withdrawn child to talk to one new person on the playground or suggest that a compliant child spend some time journaling about their feelings. The key isn’t to force balance (or a stance you’d rather the child have), but to introduce the child to all three Energy Stances in ways that are both safe and mildly challenging so that they grow.

Lastly, we can note Time Orientation, observing the Future, Present, or Past Time Orientations in our kids as they grow and change. The key is still to allow space and nurturing for their dominant orientation, while also offering awareness and activities that relate to the other two non-dominant time orientations.

I hope this resource helps us as together we parent with love, acceptance, and a ton of grace! -Melissa

Body Positivity for Each Enneagram Type

Body Positivity for Each Enneagram Type

Posted on by melissakircher

Whether we’re white, black, olive, tan or any of the million shades in between. Whether we have dark hair or fair, curly or straight. Whether we identify as male, female, or on any part of the gender spectrum. Whether thin or curvy, tall or short, differently-abled, or facing chronic illness. The truth is, not only do we all HAVE bodies, we all ARE bodies.

Our bodies need love and care. They need attention. Listen to your body. Give it what it asks for. Let it have a brownie, nap, bath, crazy fast run, boxing session, silk pajamas, or time to sit in silence. Be patient and kind to your physical self. It holds just as much wisdom as your heart and mind!

Here are some quick body positivity tips for each Enneagram Type.

Body Positivity for Type One: I am not perfect. No diet or exercise routine will ever make me as happy with my body as I can be right now, loving it exactly as is. How can I relax and listen to my body today, taking joy in giving it whatever it needs?

Body Positivity for Type Two: My body is deserving of time and attention. I will lavish it with good food, exercise, rest, and tons of compliments. I will take time apart from others so I may tune into its personal messages for me.

Body Positivity for Type Three: I do not need to push my body past its limits. Tiredness is my body telling me to rest. Rest is good for me, thank you body for reminding me of this truth.

Body Positivity for Type Four: Emotions are valuable, but they are not always reality. I can walk and enjoy the sunshine, go for a run, laugh, or eat a comforting meal. I will move my body and let its wisdom resonate within.

Body Positivity for Type Five: My body is me, not just my brain. I will take it to the dentist, get that mole checked, cook it a full healthy meal, not just another egg sandwich because I’m too engrossed in a project. I will exercise, do yoga, breathe deeply. I will love and trust the physical me.

Body Positivity for Type Six: There is most likely nothing wrong with me. I will stop googling symptoms. I will learn to trust my body. It’s strong and wise, and will tell me exactly what it needs. And if I’m dealing with illness or pain, I will remember to be tender and kind, speaking to my body with gentleness and care.

Body Positivity for Type Seven: I can sit down, be still, and quiet. I will take a minute to thank my body for all the things it allows me to do. Imagine how every single cell shows up and does its job. Isn’t my body glorious?

Body Positivity for Type Eight: My body is not a thing to be mastered or beaten into submission. I will take baths. I will get massages. I will listen to it tell me to sleep, eat, and snuggle with other people. I will accept love into my life through my body.

Body Positivity for Type Nine: My body holds ancient, evolved wisdom. I will honor my body by not smothering its voice. I won’t numb it. Instead, I’ll listen, it has life-giving, freeing things to tell me.

*For all Types: And if I need medication, I will take medication. There is no shame in balanced brain chemistry.*

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

What Are Wings?

Posted on by melissakircher

roan-lavery-542074-unsplash.jpg“If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent them from growing.” ― Coco Chanel

Each Enneagram number has two Wings. The wings are the numbers on either side of each number, therefore it would be impossible for a Type Seven to have a One-wing. A Seven would have either an Eight-wing or a Six-wing—or possibly both. There are some schools of thought that say a person will have one dominant wing in the first part of their life and switch to the other wing in the second part of their life.

What is the point of wings? Many people find them confusing, but actually, wings help clarify Types. They help students of the Enneagram become increasingly specific about the ways in which a person moves about in the world.

According to Riso & Hudson on page 69 of The Wisdom of the Enneagram, “Wings help us to individualize the nine (more general) types of the Enneagram. Each wing is a subtype of the general type. Knowing the wing enables us to narrow down the issues that we must face on the [path to self-knowledge].”

One thing to remember is that a wing does not change a number, rather its characteristics are serving the purposes of the basic Type. The wing operates to further the drive of the Type number.

For example, a Type Three with a Two-wing (3w2) in health will tend to look like a regular Three but with a dose of Two charm and helpfulness. The Two-wing brings a concern for others plus generosity. 3w2’s are excellent in mentoring and coaching. They are more seductive Threes. They tend to be highly popular from a young age as the Two-wing brings a dose of heart. The Two-wing helps the Three to be keenly perceptive about what is going on with other people, they become more sensitive and caring for the needs and feelings of others. A 3w2 in health will be more extroverted, expressive, talkative, and enthusiastic than a 3w4.

A Type Thee with a Four-wing (3w4) will have a different energy and body language—more of an inward orientation. The Four brings a curiosity about the Three’s inner life and spirituality. They are attracted to the meaning of life, becoming less materialistic and more introspective. A 3w4 will prefer more independent activities, be quieter, and speak with fewer words. Because of their search for depth and meaning, they can more easily move away from the Three projected “successful” image. They will have the ability to present themselves in a more authentic way. The Four-wing can bring a more creative orientation, expressing feelings through the arts. A 3w4 will have a certain elegance, show good taste, appreciate beauty, and have a well-developed aesthetic.

Both are Type Threes. Their wings serve to lead the Three, and others, into a deeper understanding of their internal motivations and exterior behavior in a fine-tuned way.

To reiterate, “…your wing is the ‘second side’ of your personality, and it must be taken into consideration to better understand yourself or someone else. For example, if you are a personality type Nine, you will likely have either a One-wing or an Eight-wing, and your personality as a whole can best be understood by considering the traits of the Nine as they uniquely blend with the traits of either the One or the Eight.” (The Enneagram Insititute, Wings) harry-quan-486229-unsplash.jpg

Wings reveal a particular shade in the rainbow of humanity.

What are your questions about wings? Leave a comment below or email me through the contact page!

*Photos by Roan Lavery & Harry Quan on Unsplash