Hello Enneagram Paths friends! Today, I’m excited to share something a little different with you all, a review. A couple of months ago, a new company called My Enneagram Box reached out to me and asked if I’d be willing to check out their new box subscription service based on the nine Enneatypes. The box came last week and… It. Was. So. Fun.
Here is the company’s mission statement:
“My Enneagram Box is a quarterly subscription box based on your Enneagram type, delivered to your doorstep! Each box is uniquely curated to make the Enneagram tangible by including items that foster growth, celebrate uniqueness, and encourage self-care.”
I admit I was a little skeptical about things/gifts based on type; there is a risk that type boxes could be a little shallow in the wrong hands. How delightful it was to find out this is not the case with My Enneagram Box!
My Enneagram Box comes beautifully packaged with materials that are paper-based and recyclable – Earth win! And the contents are super cool. I found myself both emotionally moved and laughing while unpacking everything inside.
The first thing that sticks out to me is a note from the company, specially catered to the type receiving the box. It included positive, integrated aspects of a Type 5 and reminded me that I have unique gifts to offer the world. You can tell My Enneagram Box put a lot of heart into the note and it was well-received.
Now to the goodies! This box came with six different gifts. The first was a whole bag of Type 5 coffee from a company I already love, Enneagram Coffee. Having already tasted and approved this brew, I was thrilled to see that these two companies have teamed up. Trust me; it’s a good cup of coffee. Next was a beautifully designed packet of “Untranslatable Words.” I laughed and was then immediately intrigued, reading through them like the curious little monster I am. Then came the “I Need Some Serious Me Time” journal, which is both humorous and inviting to Type 5s who can always use more resources on how to care for themselves well.
I loved the two smaller items in the box, Placebos’ “Confidence” and “Believe In Yourself” lip balm.
And the piece de resistance of this particular iteration of the Type 5 box: a “Personal Library Kit” by Knock Knock’s. Did I nerd out over this? Yes, yes, I did. The kit includes old-school return packets (self-adhesive) for the back of your books, a date stamp and ink pad, and twenty checkout cards. Will I be using this? Yes, yes, I will!
Lastly, there is a sheet that recommends nine Enneagram Instagram accounts to follow for tons of excellent Enneagram content. I’m honored and delighted that My Enneagram Box included @EnneagramPaths on this list:)
Overall, I am blown away by how carefully curated this box is, striking the perfect mix of seriousness, heart, and levity. I think any Type 5 would felt seen and known when opening this box. I’d wholeheartedly recommend buying a box subscription for yourself as well as all nine types of your friends and family. Support this fledgling business today; you won’t be sorry!
Check out: Myenneagrambox.com for their next round of boxes or to get a box delivered per quarter. And make sure to follow them on Instagram at @myenneagrambox. Enjoy!
Kim Parker of WayfindingLife.org says this about Enneagram Shadow work, “The Enneagram shows us the shadow side of our gifts and reveals the games we often unknowingly play. Although these can be difficult to face, doing so is part of a path that leads us toward freedom. Taking an honest look at ourselves, through the lens of the Enneagram, provides us with the awareness needed to let go of our unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behavior. Furthermore, as we begin to practice ‘letting go’ we are set free to be a more whole and loving p/Presence in the world.”
I love this! Something I often say to my coaching clients is that not only are struggles and weaknesses hidden in Shadow, so are amazing strengths.
Our Shadow Sides are places and spaces in our personality makeup that can be unconscious on a regular basis. However, when we dig into the darkness, a whole lot of light begins to shine, and we’re made aware of a myriad of exciting and challenging aspects of each Type’s survival mechanisms. Be kind to yourself as you investigate your Shadow Side. Always enter the work with kindness and love—and feel free to get in touch with me if you need an Enneagram Coach to guide you along this process!
Concealed in Shadow: Type One
The Type One’s Shadow conceals true desires and the need for spontaneity, levity, and joy. To preserve order, the Shadow suppresses undesired emotions like personal pain, melancholy, and deep frustration.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Two
The Type Two’s Shadow conceals the paradoxical belief that they’re deserving of royal treatment and that they’re only as good as what they give. They have a hidden thirst for love and attention. A need to express anger is also in shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Three
The Type Three’s Shadow conceals unconscious self-deception. They believe in the positive images they project, and suppress insecurity, fear, and vulnerability—all of which help them get in touch with their True Selves.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Four
The Type Four’s Shadow conceals an unconscious victimhood; a self-perpetuating cycle of lack and loss. It also hides a great wealth of happiness, satisfaction, capability, normality, and energetic action.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Five
The Type Five’s Shadow conceals a deep longing for connection, a vast wealth of wants and needs, fear of rejection, great power, emotionality, and a wise, unwavering strength that sources itself in Universe.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Six
The Type Six’s Shadow conceals a depth of connection to Source/Divine and self. There is a unconscious drive for ultimate security which can never be satisfied. Many actions are motivated by a fear of retribution from authority.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Seven
The Type Seven’s Shadow conceals the full spectrum of their inner emotional life, and a true ability to hone and focus attention. Feelings of insecurity and “unknown-ness” are also hidden in Shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Eight
The Type Eight’s Shadow conceals the purest parts of themselves because they are the least accessed: softness, innocence, and vulnerability. Their Shadow also hides insecurities that Eight’s refuse to admit.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Nine
The Type Nine’s Shadow conceals a layered emotionality, often with a deep reserve of rage/anger that must be expressed…to then access a kind of grief over abandoning themselves for so long.
One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by coaching clients, people in Enneagram Groups I lead, and on social media is how to use the Enneagram in parenting. I’m a parent myself and have wondered many times, “Is there a way to use the Enneagram to somehow NOT screw up my kids?”
The answer is yes and no at the same time, as all wise answers tend to be. The good news is that we CAN use this centuries-old tool to help us as parents know, heal, and love ourselves in nine unique ways. With this knowledge, we CAN—with new awareness—provide creative, brave spaces for our children to develop their own healthy sense of personhood.
However, we don’t ever want to Type our kids in the sense that we guess what number they are and then say to them, “You’re a Type Four, and this is what that means.”
Why not? Well, there are potentially severe and long-lasting ramifications to typing children, and we’re aiming for health, not harm.
DON’T Type Your Kids!
Most master Enneagram teachers advise strongly against typing of any kind until kiddos are well into their teens. Some say 16-18 is okay to start conversations around the Enneagram. Others recommend waiting to introduce the system until kids have left home and are into their 20’s. Here’s why: Creating a false sense of self for your child can be traumatic and hard to undo once a child grows up. Neurological studies show that our brains aren’t fully developed until age 25, so we’re all still forming our patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and motivation biases until around then.
Children are changing and growing – all the time. They need space, not labels. According to the American College of Pediatrics, “The way parents or teachers label a child can have a lasting impact on how that child sees him or herself.” Placing a label on them like an Enneagram Type before they are cognitively and emotionally ready to process their own personhood can damage their sense of self. You, the parent, are telling them, “This is who you are,” but that might not be true, and it could create a war inside of the child, who then tries to fit into a certain kind of mold they think they should be.
Yes, many of our Enneagram Type-specific survival tools develop during childhood, but children don’t have the maturity or bandwidth to differentiate yet between an authentic self and a label.
Therefore, I’d strongly—almost universally—advise against sharing the Enneagram with children. I would never tell a child, “You are a Type ______.”
So then how do we as parents use the Enneagram in raising our kids?
Know Yourself Well, and Then Observe YourChildren!
First, we focus on our personal Enneagram journey. This will help us better understand how we’re wired to act and react in our relationships with our children. Self-awareness and Enneagram work reveals the ways in which we move about in the world, and helps us grow into healthier, more expansive people—which directly affects our parenting styles. If we’re in the Assertive Stance, we then know we’ll need to make sure to slow down and really make time for our children. If we’re in the Heart Triad, we’ll know that it will take effort to bring up logical thinking and gut intuition to parent with a balance of all three Intelligence Centers. We don’t have to try to be the perfect parent, only an aware one. With awareness, we accept our shortcomings, work on them, and ask for plenty of help, forgiveness, and grace. We’re all doing our best and that’s something to be proud of!
The Enneagram also shows us the places where our Types can shine! A Type Seven parent is the one to come up with awesome adventures, and a Type Four will truly understand whatever emotional turmoil a child might experience. We can bank on our strengths to help us navigate the murky waters of the never-ending, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this child?”
Second, we understand that while the Enneagram shouldn’t be used as a typing system for kids and teens, it can be safely used as an observation tool. By paying attention to our children’s ever-evolving patterns of behavior, speech, emotions, and thought-life, we can create healthier family dynamics by providing opportunities for our children to grow in awareness and balance.
The Intelligence Centers in Children
Pay attention to (in a given phase, year, or period of time) which Heart, Mind, and Body Triads in your children seem more dominant as they grow and change. By creating a family culture of communication and space, you can ask your kids and teens to share how they feel, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their bodies. Teaching the recognition of these processing styles (head, heart, mind) can help your children bring up centers they may not be dominant in at a certain phase of their development. For example, a child who seems to react to the world with her body by hitting, running, grunting, breathing hard, or jumping around, could have a parent engage in a body activity with her, talking about what feelings come up when they hit a punching bag together. This practice allows—without forcing—both her seemingly dominant way of being in the world, but also a new awareness of the importance of emotions. We want to provide connecting opportunities for kids to be themselves, while also encountering something new!
The Energy Stances in Children
Similarly, we can observe whether our kids seem to be (at a particular time) dominant in the Aggressive, Compliant, and Withdrawn Stance. Watch to see if this ebbs and flows, or stays more constant. Focus on awareness and activities that relate to their dominant Energy Stances such as reading or music lessons for withdrawn-seeming kiddos, but also on fostering space for their seemingly non-dominant stances to come out to play. Gently encourage a more withdrawn child to talk to one new person on the playground or suggest that a compliant child spend some time journaling about their feelings. The key isn’t to force balance (or a stance you’d rather the child have), but to introduce the child to all three Energy Stances in ways that are both safe and mildly challenging so that they grow.
Lastly, we can note Time Orientation, observing the Future, Present, or Past Time Orientations in our kids as they grow and change. The key is still to allow space and nurturing for their dominant orientation, while also offering awareness and activities that relate to the other two non-dominant time orientations.
I hope this resource helps us as together we parent with love, acceptance, and a ton of grace! -Melissa
Type 1: You know that you will need areas of control, structure, and productivity. Try to schedule these times when you are NOT parenting. Create zones during the day where you can cook, clean, deal with finances, work, or organize—when children are on their screens, doing schoolwork (on their own), or are being watched by your partner, roommate, spouse, grandparent, online babysitter, or in bed. Instead of trying to fight against your gifting and real need for order, work WITH it! Set aside “parenting time” where you as the adult understand things with kiddos will get messy, chaotic, loud, and unpredictable. After your parenting time, make sure not only are you allowing yourself productivity, but also that you’re physically exerting any emotions stored up during the day. Box in the garage, run on a treadmill, scream into a pillow (we all need this sometimes), practice yoga, or dance to a raging good song! Additionally, please add in times of pleasure: read a book, drink wine, listen to music, talk to a friend on the phone, order something online, draw, craft…whatever brings you joy!
Type 2: Be aware of your need to be SO helpful to your kiddos while they are home and adjusting to homeschool, lack of social connection, and generally being stuck-the-heck indoors! Also, there’s the whole germ-y thing that they’re trying to process. It’s weird and overwhelming for you all. However, make sure you don’t overwhelm THEM. Give your children some space to connect with their teachers, therapists, and friends online, and resist the urge to ask them about it. Give them space. While this space is being taken, please use it to look inward. Ask yourself what YOU need and then provide it if you can. If you’re living with a partner, spouse, or parent, ask them to meet some of your needs. Ask them to listen to your feelings. There are so many feelings. You’re dealing with an ultra-focus on immediate family, while also worrying about all the other friends and loved ones in your life. Trust that they will still be there, and allow yourself to relax. Meditate. Take a bath. Work out. Journal. Paying attention to you will help the whole family structure become even more healthy.
Type 3: Being home and in quarantine with your kiddos is going to test you, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent. Your need is to do and achieve. This isn’t possible when parenting during a crisis situation in which you’re all stuck together in one space. Make room for the rage that will emerge. Plan for it. Create a physical space that you can vent the inevitable frustration that arises when dealing with kids who have tons of energy, wills of their own, and are dealing with as much change and upheaval as you. How can you succeed? You can create work, home, cleaning, grocery shopping, exercise, or mental health goals to accomplish. Focus your main thrust of energies there, so that when it comes to parenting, you can relax more and go with the flow. Resist the urge to turn off and disconnect. Instead, think about ways you can help your children flourish. What does the team need right now? Ask your partner, roommate, spouse, parents, or other parent friends for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, your super-strength is authenticity. Be you, that’s what your kids truly need.
Type 4: Fours under stress move into Two energy, which means that you have a high likelihood of going into “superparent” mode during a quarantine. At first, it might feel good to meet everyone’s needs, be warm, helpful, giving, loving, and serving…but after a while this modality will take a toll. It’s okay. Expect that you will blow up with frustration and unrequited needs at some point. If/when this happens, allow yourself space to be. Withdraw like your Four self requires and allow a spouse, partner, parent, or the TV to watch your kids for a couple of hours. Use this time to walk, sit in the sun, write poetry, draw, scream in the car, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Create a schedule to complete your work, as well. Your job is just as important as your parenting. Love on you, and resist the urge to think you can never be enough. You already ARE enough. Bring back to your kiddos a sense of beauty in the mundane and creative ways to endure and find fun amidst a strange, bewildering time.
Type 5: Quarantine sounds like it’d be the answer to a Five’s social prayers except for two things. 1) We NEED people. 2) If you’re a Five parent you will get way too much people for a while. Lovingly accept your energy limitations and plan for them. Kids (of all ages) will suck more from you than you will ever have to give. Create spaces during the day where you can be totally off. Let another caregiver take over and hide in your room, closet, car, shower…anywhere you can have uninterrupted alone time to think and refuel. Again, if you’re a single parent, ain’t nothing wrong with letting a screen be your babysitter for a while! If you can, create separate space to do your job. Fives need time to think, time to work, and time to parent—all separately, or you burn out fast! Your Five parent superpower is attention, so pay attention to how your kiddos moods and energies shift, allowing non-attached space for the day to morph according to their needs. You’re great at disseminating information to kids in age-appropriate ways, and right now kids need to have real talks with facts and data, tailored to what they can understand. Find moments of true joy and enjoyment with your kids, these will become memories you’ll cherish for a long time to come.
Type 6: This is your time, you’ve been prepared, and now that it’s here, you’re both calm and terrified, probably in waves that push and pull at you with disorientating intensity. The great news is that kids will thrive under quarantine with a Six parent who knows what’s what and how to handle the intense things happening. You’re uniquely gifted to bring you children a sense of safety and readiness right now. Watch out for the tendency to discuss too much of the world’s crisis in front of your kids. It might feel good to talk, talk, talk about Covid-19 and the potential ramifications, but this anxiety can easily bleed into your children, causing them to feel terrified and possibly hide that terror from you. Be aware that in stress you push a little harder, become a bit more driven, and expect too much from your body. Temper this with family meditation practices, slow walks, relaxed homeschooling, and playful games.
Type 7: Oh, wonderful Seven parents from whom quarantine with your kids probably initially felt like someone was building a brick wall around you—a brick wall of inescapable torture! Your need for adventure, change, pleasure, and fun now has to be exercised in a limited space with limited people who, let’s be honest, are sometimes less than fun! Here’s the upside of being a Seven parent during quarantine, you’re gifted at sucking the joyful marrow out of anything. You have a superpower of turning a house into an adventure, a backyard into a mysterious play land. If your kids are older, think of all the ideas you’ll have to help them creatively attack their schoolwork, meeting virtually with friends, trying new hobbies, and investigating themselves. You’re deep, loving parents who have a wealth of care and emotional space to offer your children during this trying time. Make sure to extend creative thinking to yourself, finding unique ways to get the movement, energy, and variety you truly need to be your best self. Take the dog for a walk, invest in a master class, read interesting books, learn new trades, build stuff, tackle the yard work, and vent your feelings to the good old clouds whenever you can! (No one can see you talking to yourself now!) If you’re working from home, be aware that kids will test your propensity to inattentiveness, so carve out specific time to focus on and complete work tasks.
Type 8: Understand you’re a ball of intensity with a molten heart of gold. While your protected innocence makes you an amazing parent and lover of kids of all ages, during this time where triggers and emotions are running high, you’ll have to pay attention to your driven urges. Kids need space to be themselves; whether that means quiet, sad, joyful, funny, apathetic, withdrawn, or causing a ruckus. Metaphorically sit on your hands when you want to push them toward intent, purpose, betterment, and a drive they just might not share with you. Ask them questions about what they need from you. If it’s a break, use that time to complete your work and don’t worry that your kids are playing with mud or getting to the next level of a video game. It’s okay to be you and get shit done, while your kids get lost in their own worlds. Your superpower is your soft heart, so use it to have cuddle time, lots of deep talks, hugs, and reassurance that you’re there and you love your kiddos (of any age) fiercely. They need this so much right now, and Eights love like heroes.
Type 9: Quarantine with kids for a Nine will probably feel nice for a while, until it doesn’t. Allow yourself space for this progression to happen. Soak in the wonderfulness of being together, all the family time and experiences that you’re experiencing anew. Also allow yourself space for those kids to start to get on your nerves, ramp up your anxiety, and make you want to bust a hole in the wall and escape. Like the mantra of a Nine, it’s all okay. Where you’ll thrive during quarantine is one-on-one peacemaking/harmony. Focus your gifts on having chats with each child individually (again, any age) and really soak in their perspective, lending them your calm and understanding wherever they are. You’ll want to refrain from trying to be a group peacemaker in this instance, though. Tensions will run high at moments, and while you can understand everyone’s perspective, they might not. Accept that fights will happen and that conflict is inevitable. If it gets too much, ask a partner or other caregiver to step in so you can retreat and get some air. Take care of your body with exercise, healthy food whenever possible, and if you have a tele-therapist, utilize them to make sure you’re paying attention to YOU. Additionally, if you’re working from home, ask your partner or a co-worker to prioritize the day’s work tasks for you so that you don’t get too caught up in family life; your job still needs to get done.
“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” ― Anais Nin
I am the typical Type Five with my head always buried in a book. My love for reading extends to literally all the things, I love a good romance novel as much as a tome on quantum mechanics! Many people ask me about good Enneagram resources where they can dig in and learn all the nuts and bolts of this ancient wisdom, psycho-spiritual tool. And my Five self has books to share! I hope you find this list helpful, though it is not exhaustive, much to my chagrin. There are many Enneagram books still on my TBR List!
This is my go-to Enneagram primer and one of the first books I always recommend to anyone starting out with Ennealiterature. It’s written in textbook format which makes the book easy to navigate and skip around, perfect for someone who isn’t sure of their Type yet. Thick and exhaustive, this book is worth the investment, you’ll use it and refer back to it forever.
Rohr’s take on an Enneagram primer is serious and thorough, giving readers what feels like every spec of information possible. This book is a take on the Enneagram through a Christian lens, substituting the word sin instead of passion for each Type as one example. I liked this book, but it did feel a bit more somber than others I have read.
A quick and easy primer, this book is a fast rundown on all the Enneagram topics you could dream up. Not only do they go over history, type, wings, subtypes, and arrows, the authors discuss Types in relationships and at work. They provide stories as learning tools through which the reader can see different Type interact with a fictional situation. The back of the book has tips for each Type and questions to consider for healthy daily living.
Millenneagram is an Enneagram primer written by a Millennial and especially for Millennials, though it can be enjoyed by any age group. The author has an irreverent, witty, unique take on describing the nine EnneaTypes. The book will make you laugh and cry, though it does contain a good amount of swearing. LGBTQ+ and Exevangelical friendly, there is a definite edge to this tome, but I think it’s well worth the read no matter who you are.
This is another book about the Enneagram from a Christian perspective, though I found it to be light and easier to get from start to finish than Rohr’s book. This has a great take on the Authentic Self and lovely healing prayers at the back that could be adapted as mantras for people of other faith’s or spiritual traditions.
A true gem of a book, this resource is all about relationships. Suzanne takes readers through how the nine Types interact and possibly react to each other with wisdom, good humor, and deep insight. This is a must read for anyone seeking to use the Enneagram as a tool to better understand and love the people in their lives.
This book is exactly as described, an investigative peek into how different types would predictably behave in intimate relationships and in the workplace. Palmer is one of the Enneagram greats, and this book is a must read for its detailed, helpful, and informational take on the drives and motivations of the Types in relationships and at work. She takes the reader deep into the psyche with wonderful and realistic insights that have practical, real-life applications.
This book is full of cartoon illustrations, a good resource for more visual learners. The authors have an interesting take on the Types in relationships, pointing out what each might think or say about the others. A lighthearted read that has a couple moments of depth.
If ever you wanted a peek beneath your own skin, down into the abyss of your psyche and soul, this is the book for you! Riso & Hudson provided nine detailed levels of each type, with Level One being the healthiest version of the number and Level Nine being the darkest, most disintegrated space. This book is for people wanting to do serious Enneagram work on self-discovery and awareness.
This is one of my favorite Enneagram resources with Chestnut diving into Subtypes, the three survival modes, if you will, for each Type. The book is divided into sections that describe the three subtypes for each number. I’ve found it an invaluable tool for being able to distinguish the differences in motivation and behavior within Type. A bunch of Type Two’s can all seem so different, and yet be the same number. This book explains why.
If you are at all uncertain of your Type, or trying to help a friend, family-member, or client figure out their number, this is an amazing resource! The author goes through every combination of Type and asks insightful questions—then provides the answer each Type might say. She really helps readers dig into motivations and drives behind Type, rather than simply typing by behavior alone. Highly recommend.
This book is a lyrical and beautifully written take on the Enneagram with a special emphasis on the pathways illuminated by Type back to the True Self and God. Heuertz provides in-depth contemplative practices for each number. He further explains and identifies why each Type would respond to a practice well and how everyone can experience healing within stillness, silence, and solitude. This book is written from a Christian perspective, but it’s so open and encompassing, people of different faiths could easily adapt it to fit their beliefs.
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