Hello Enneagram Paths friends! It’s been a while, and I hope this post finds you well. I’ve had a whole summer of coaching, teaching, family time, and much-needed rest. Rhythms and seasons bring all kinds of changes, ebbs, and flows to my work. It’s a joy to live and work this way, paying attention to shifts in energy and passion.
Today, I’m bringing you the first installment of a side project I’ve been working on for a few months. For a long time, people would ask me when I’d meld all three parts of my career together: art, writing, and the Enneagram. And for a long time, I would tell them that I honestly had zero ideas when it came to Enneagram Art! Until, of course, one day, I had an idea. Funny how inspiration strikes!
This Type One artwork is the first in a series of nine illustrated paintings that visually imagine the essence and integration experience of each Enneagram Type. I want to give you a little bit of a deeper description here on the blog. But don’t worry, I dislike artsy-fartsy art descriptions as much as the next person. Instead, my aim is to provide a brief, succinct peek into my mind as I created each piece. The rest of the feeling, resonating, and interpreting is up to you!
Type One: With this piece, I wanted to honor the real and necessary black-and-white thinking of Ones. You will see that the only colors I’ve used are black, white, gray, and gold. The mountains represent the heights Ones will attempt to reach on their path to perfection and the diligent work toward excellence that inspires their lives. The landscape below is a mix of straight and flowing lines, illustrating the blend of structure, emotionality, and spontaneity of a Type One in integration. The gray landscape is an invitation for health, to see the beauty in grayscale and the endless possibilities that exist between black and white. Finally, the golden sun is a nod to the perfection found in Essence – Ones are already good and worthy and loved exactly as they are.
I hope you enjoy! Please feel free to leave me feedback on my @enneagrampaths Twitter and Instagram. All nine illustrated paintings will be shared on social media.
Welcome back, Enneagram Paths friends! Today we’re going to start a journey around the Enneagram circle and look at each number’s subtype. If you’re new to the world of subtypes and instinctual drives, I’d encourage you to read my post What are Subtypes? or go check out the amazing Dr. Beatrice Chestnut’s book on subtypes called, The Complete Enneagram.
Let’s dive in with Type One: The Improver
Social Ones
Social Ones are often more attentive to groups than the other two subtypes, caring intensely about networks. They invest in their neighborhoods, towns, communities, schools, and friends—all intending to improve these organizations and structures. Social Ones often feel pressure to live up to who they “should be” in each of these spaces to exemplify and enlighten others into more righteous behavior. They internally take on a teacher persona in situations, embodying the model or ideal of what a person should say or do—to be correct and do things well for everyone’s good. They truly see many of the areas in their circles of influence that could be improved or fixed. When using this energy in healthy ways and with a dose of humbleness, Ones are a great asset to their communities. If they focus too much on imperfections, though, Social Ones can neglect to identify all the wonderful gifts each community offers just as it is. Social Ones focus on issues of justice and wide-reaching reform, they like to pinpoint the errors and missteps of others, and in stress, this makes them seem rigid and angry with everyone. They may like to exert their power to force “right” change to happen. In health, they relax and enjoy the company of the people they love and care for and find creative ways to enact desired change without alienating their friends, coworkers, and communities.
Sexual Ones (Countertype)
Sexual Ones are outward focused, much more so than the Self-Preservation and Social Ones, in that they don’t expect as much perfection in themselves. The other two subtypes see where others can improve, but they first compel themselves to attain that desired flawless state. Not so the Sexual Ones. Sexual Ones are fixated on the intimate relationships in their lives: their romantic partners, family, close friends, and certain co-workers they feel a connection to. There is often a fervent, impassioned sort of energy they bring to these relationships, and they can come across as really intense. They are the Countertype because they allow anger to be expressed instead of repressing it, and they direct their anger at the imperfections of others. They seek to reform “their people” and pour gut triad fire and passion into molding others (and sometimes the world) into their ideal. They feel justified in these pursuits, permitting themselves to act in regal-type ways because they’re fixing what is wrong in someone and therefore doing the right thing. In more healthy spaces, Sexual Ones are excited about making and sustaining deep connections. They will be loyal friends, lovers, workers, and companions to their inner circle. Healthy Sexual Ones will be dedicated to their loved ones and work on their relationships with warmth, sincerity, and mutuality.
Self-Preservation Ones
Self-Preservation Ones want to have everything under control to get their needs met and not have to worry about unforeseen circumstances. They look into the future and plan for what might happen (much like Type 6) to stave off the almost constant sense that they “should” be doing something to make everything go well. They repress their anger more than the other two subtypes, often coming across as gentle and obedient. Internally, however, they have a well of rage that turns on the One, driving Self-Pres Ones into an obsession with self-perfection. Their anger scares them, it threatens their safety, so they work hard to become overly responsible, upstanding, and exemplary. Self-Pres Ones can feel triggered by criticism from others and become defensive or rigid. It is hard for them to get in touch with their feelings because they only allow themselves to feel whatever they (or society or culture) deem as “good”. In health, Self-Pres Ones let go and move more in the flow of things. They trust that the Universe holds them, and they engage in rest and relaxation. They more truly take care of themselves with love and then exude that love and care into the world. Healthy Self-Pres Ones know how to laugh and often have delightful senses of humor.
According to master teachers Don Riso and Russ Hudson, each Enneagram Type has a Basic Fear. These fears drive the patterned survival habits of thought, behavior, and emotion that make up each Type.
When we practice being aware of our Type’s Basic Fear, we can calm and heal these drives in ourselves. When the fear flares, we speak positive, true messages and lovingly invite in new energy.
“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Good morning Enneagram Paths people! I hope you are safe and well. I’m sending out love, presence, and light to you all during these heavy times.
Today, we finish the Type Eight series with two amazing people in the house! Carly Bergey and Greta Sutherland have graciously allowed me to interview them and ask what it’s like to be a Type Eight. Their answers put me in the mind, body, and emotions of an Eight and are so helpful! It’s great to hear from real people about how the Enneagram is impacting their lives. Thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
Carly Bergey
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? I tend to be a person that speaks up about things, like that parent who continues to break the rules at the school drop-off line, or when a person glued to their phone is obviously blocking foot traffic on Main Street. It could be something bigger, like calling out a racist joke at work or when someone “accidentally” gropes me on a bus. I will speak up about it. The slowly simmering anger inside me is ready to appropriately respond and take action.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? As an Enneagram Eight, I need my people to match my intensity. In my safe inner circle, I want others to celebrate, grieve, and fight with me. In social situations, I secretly hope others will not wither when I bring my A-game. I can be intense and wish more people had the confidence to really engage, disagree, even make fun of me.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? I want people to understand that what you perceive as anger from me may not be. My deep desire is to authentically connect, but sometimes, intensity becomes a substitute for intimacy. Something made us grow up too fast. The origin of our behavior is being unsafe at some point. I have a deeply tender core part of my identity, and assuming the best in me goes a long way.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? Meditation, quiet, grounding practices like yoga help me.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I communicate with my partner when I need to go into what I call “whale mode” (toward Type Five). I enjoy isolation, but don’t want to be forgotten. My partner will check in on me over the course of time and ask how I’m feeling. However, our general rule is: I don’t want to talk and I want to be alone. When moving toward Type Two, I tend to think about others more than myself, put their needs above myself, and try to do tangible works to make them feel happy.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For me, in stress, this means my body tends to communicate to me and that’s how I have honed my self awareness over the years. It starts in my body (and voice) and that literally helps me realize I need to reset in some way. The really interesting thing is to reverse stress, I also use body and voice work to access my nervous system so I can self-regulate. Sensory activities, humming, breath work helps a ton.
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I love going through life with confidence. I truly empathize with those who are lacking in it and much of my work involves giving away as much confidence as I can. I do feel frustrated by how much anger I feel at times.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? The memoir I wrote is deeply emotional and vulnerable. I discuss my voice loss and recovery and those of my patients in it. I do hope if it ever releases, that I will be known for being loving and tender in addition to strong. That would make me very proud and speak to so much self care I’ve done over the years to be safe enough to do so.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? As an Eight, I longed for the modeling of emotional regulation from my parents. Big feelings need big patience. On the flip side, Eights need trust. Trust that they can do the big thing they want to do. Give them tools to blow everyone away. Type Eight kids can start businesses, advocacy campaigns, clubs. We are natural leaders. Let us lead. Especially Eight girls. Show them they have a sit at the table.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?
Yield: My first thought is corrupt powers need to do this.
Affection: It makes me slightly sad. I always need more than I seem to let on.
Empowerment: If leadership in US doesn’t give it, we will take it.
Carly Bergey, M.A., CCC-SLP is a speech-language pathologist and writer with expertise in voice care. A rich, musical inheritance passed to her from hard-working gigging parents. This lead to the study of music at Belmont University and eventually a love of the science of voice as well. Now Carly uses her voice for work and play, helping other voices speak themselves into their stories more fully with authenticity and health. Her memoir details the transformative work of finding one’s voice and is currently seeking publication. She provides individual coaching sessions in person and via zoom. Contact her through www.carlybergey.com
Greta Sutherland
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? This question is difficult since most all my answers come back to helping an ‘underdog’ in some form or another. For example: I got involved in the political process in 2008 and managed a field office to elect Obama. I poured a lot of energy into that process but…it was my anger over the lack of equal treatment for lower income peoples that instigated my involvement. I saw the vast discrepancy in education and work availability where I lived and decided to take action. But that was using my anger for standing up for people I felt needed my action by helping elect a candidate I felt was qualified to make serious change. Your disclaimer in the question made it very difficult to answer! 😊
I’ll answer the question this way: when anger fills me up, I release it by tackling a project I’ve been putting off. Undirected anger often helps re-direct my procrastination. Whether it’s cleaning or researching or taking a walk – anger almost always subsides when I USE MY HANDS and my body in a physical way. I’d love to say I take a 25-mile run when I get angry, but nah! I have many hobbies that are a way of engaging my hands which in turn frees my thoughts to sort themselves out. One of my favorite activities since I was a kid has been mowing the grass. It’s physical. It’s solitary. And it releases pent up angst as well as gives plenty of time to process through confusing feelings.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? It certainly doesn’t feel like an admirable thing to admit, but when I sniff out weakness of any kind in another person, I get frustrated and dismissive and have to consciously pay attention to anything they say because my tendency is to immediately write them off. I’m working hard on this. When a friend asks if I want to get together for coffee and we have the time and place decided in three texts or less – I’m ecstatic and have a high respect for that person. But when someone is ‘overly considerate’ and gives me a lot of ‘I don’t care, whatever you want’, it makes my insides twist.
Honesty is of paramount importance to an Eight. ‘Little white lies’ equate to trickery which means you’re questioning my intelligence. To find out someone has been dishonest with me sticks with me and it’s hard to ever trust them again. Likewise, when someone is straight up honest with me, my respect for them (even if I disagree with what they’re saying) increases exponentially. Along these lines, passive-aggressive behavior is another form of dishonesty to an Eight. We value direct communication, so passive aggressiveness is not valued or respected.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We are not all ‘bulls in a china closet’. I am very comfortable not being in charge…as long as I feel like someone competent IS in charge. I don’t have to be the loudest or the leader. Many times, in fact, I prefer not to be. (Although committee work is from the very depths of hell. Ugh!) If I perceive a lack of leadership, I will step in – but I don’t have to be in that position from the start.
I do not have to be right. I am willing to compromise if a well-thought-out alternative is presented. I’m willing to change, but only if it makes sense to do so. I can even go along with a change that I don’t agree with if it appears that the person in charge believes strongly in the new direction. Again, an Eights direct communication is offered as a helpful tool to get straight to the problem or issue but it is NOT intended to be offensive.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? This has taken many decades to figure out. Denominations that feel to me too ‘touchy feely’ in their worship make me markedly uncomfortable. I like a more cerebral approach to corporate worship and expression. It feels the most natural to me and more representative of my relationship with God. In the past few years I have learned the enormous value of meditation in my life. Prayer is an active process which generally involves a focus on the past and/or future. Meditation, by contrast, is a non-active process of staying grounded in the present moment. The right now. That’s how I differentiate these two imperative spiritual practices in my faith.
5. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? Unfortunately anger and frustration works it way through my body in the form of high blood pressure, digestive issues, a red face and rapid heartbeat. This is another side effect I’ve had to learn to recognize. Catching the early warning signs and heading them off before they get out of control is something I have had to work at over and over again. Meditation breathing is a big help. The simple act of getting in the car and rolling the windows down helps realign the physical actions happening in my body. I’ve always wished I’d taken up boxing as an exercise because I think it would do a lot to relieve the stress that accumulates inside my body. Short answer: breathing and moving my body are key to a healthier way to process adversity.
6. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I am a good leader when called on. I am intuitive and a good strategic planner. I am able to listen to other views and discern whether or not that would work better. I like the pre-thought I put into events because I usually have already foreseen the worst-case scenario and am able to avoid it with good organizational methods. I like that people will turn to me for honest insight and to get something accomplished in the most efficient way.
I become very frustrated with the differences in communication styles between an Eight and other numbers. It has caused a lot of relational harm over the years that was unintentional and often caught me completely off guard.
7. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Awkwardness comes to mind first. People perceive me to be one thing and it always feels immensely uncomfortable to show a more vulnerable side. Very very very few people have seen that side of me. I am the 90% underwater of the iceberg analogy. I share my thoughts often, but rarely do I share the feelings surrounding them. A common phrase in my life is, “I think that…” because that’s what is easiest to articulate my thoughts about a given topic. A big part of the reason I don’t communicate my feelings about a subject is that I have such a difficult time understanding what they are myself. I had a best friend in my young adult life that would listen to me wax eloquent about an event or issue and after I was finished she would say, “And how did that make you feel?” She understood that was the part I was having the most trouble sifting through. Even now, I hear Charlene in my head asking me that question. Writing is my outlet for emotions. As I am writing, I am simultaneously learning how I feel about the topic.
8. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? Give your Eight child time!!! For instance, if they come home from a big event all excited and hyped up, a good response would be, “Let’s set some time tomorrow afternoon to talk about it. I’d love to hear what it was like.”
Because Eights are intimate partners with anger, they don’t understand that there are other underlying feelings. I was embarrassed or felt ashamed or disappointed or sad. Those feelings don’t bubble up to the surface easily, it just all feels like anger. Help your child by modeling what those feelings are like in your own life. Identify them for yourself when they happen and what the context was in which they happened. An Eight will hear you talking about it and more readily identify it in their own life. (But don’t say, “I felt embarrassed and maybe that’s how you feel sometimes.” Telling an Eight how they feel has a very negative affect.)
The worst phrase in the English language is “Just chill.” AAAAAACCKK! I want to grab someone’s neck when they say that to me. Again, telling an Eight how they think or feel creates a very opposite and detrimental result. When at all possible, move your upset Eight child into action. I think if a parent would say to me, “We’ll talk about this later. For right now, we’re going to go on a walk around the block but we cannot talk to each other until we get to Kellie’s house. Or until we get home.” Giving them the excuse to not ‘talk about it’ immediately will allow them time to process. Another helpful tool for me as a child would have been to suggest (but not in a punitive way), ‘Why don’t you sit down this evening and write me a letter describing how this situation made you feel and why you reacted the way you did. Then we’ll talk about it; maybe I missed something that you understood.’
Saying ‘this is what you need to do today’ is very constricting to an Eight child. Or adult! Where at all possible, saying ‘this needs to get done by this date’ allows the child constitution to decide when the chore needs to be completed. It puts them in control of the outcome and that’s where they like to be.
An adult side-note: The adage ‘Never go to bed angry’ is advice that does not necessarily apply to an Eight. Making a plan to talk about something at a later time allows the Eight to work through that Big Ball of Anger (that greatly resembles a ball of rubber bands) and to begin sorting through all the junk they’re feeling in their bodies, lay them out neatly on the table in front of them and then sort through everything again for the things that would be useful to discuss. Whether it’s working with an Eight child or working with an Eight spouse, when it’s time to talk about things, ask questions! ask questions! ask questions! (Big big BIG advice!) Don’t just say ‘Tell me about what you’re feeling.’ It’s virtually impossible for an Eight to do that. But when you start asking me specific questions, I can articulate my feelings best because it gives me small chunks of information to work through at a time.
Greta Williams Sutherland: I am retired from the non-profit world of environmental advocacy. I’m currently a book reviewer for book publishers and an obsessive houseplant hoarder, living in Northern California (transplanted from Kansas City, Missouri – GO CHIEFS!) with my Seven husband who works for Union Pacific Railroad. We are adventurers at heart and enjoy traveling at any available moment, exploring and experiencing new cultures and environments. Blog: botanyandbookends.com
Welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Thank you for being here during strange and difficult times. I’m sending out love and light to all of you as we collectively deal with the tragedy and hardships of Covid-19. Please feel free to reach out if you need support. Coaching is a deeply intuitive space where, together, we explore places that need healing, embodiment, and self-love.
Today, I’m honored to have April Jordon on the blog to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
The Enneagram Institute says this about Eights, “Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring. [They] want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.” (Type Eight, The Enneagram Institute)
Thanks, April, for sharing about your experiences as a Type Eight with all of us!
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? My anger fuels me in the best way. I love accessing my anger because it drives me to solve problems big and small (why not save the world if you can, right?). I can’t stand inaction, and become quickly frustrated when issues are at a standstill, so I take that anger and channel it into finding solutions that work for everybody. I do my utter best to further the interests of the group (social subtype 8 here!)
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? I look for honesty, honesty, honesty! I have mad respect for anyone who can just “own their shit.” I love it when people know who they are and can ask for their needs to be met, set healthy boundaries and help others while they’re at it.
To live up to that, start by being honest with yourself first. I know it’s hard sometimes and can be an ongoing process, but it’s so worth it when you come out the other side as a powerful, free, generous and self-loving being. Plus the healthy 8s in your life will love you for it.
People tend to fall short, for me, because they avoid pain and discomfort. I really think this is the root of a lot of the seemingly benign dishonesty in the world. People simply don’t want to deal with things, so they tell what seems to be a little white lie. But I firmly believe that telling lies, even small ones, takes the other person’s power away, and that’s not cool with me. And I should note that, of course, there are some things that are just nobody’s business, you don’t want to get into, or you’re not at liberty to share. I wouldn’t consider hiding that a lie. But if the information involves another person or could affect their life, I so appreciate when people are real about that stuff.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? Well, I can only really speak for myself, but here are three things I wish people understood about me as an 8:
– I want the factual truth, the whole factual truth, and nothing but the factual truth. Every time. Knowing the cold hard facts helps me feel secure and (again) like you’re being honest and looking out for me, too. Once I know the facts, I normally move to compassion and start looking for those solutions I love so much – even if the solution is just to sit and listen to you tell me about your day.
– I know I can seem intense. I’m working on knowing when and where to let that all hang out – promise! In the meantime, please do me a solid and know that I’m not angry at you. If I’m angry at you specifically, I will say so!
– I act like I have it all together, and most of the time I genuinely do. But if you’re one of my close friends or family it means so much to me if I know I can rely on you for support on the days when I’m feeling run down. And on that vein, please don’t assume I can help you out or pick up the slack on something. I am probably willing and able, but please ask first – haha! This isn’t usually an issue in my life – my family and friends are the bomb. But I’m putting it out there for anyone reading this!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? I grew up Christian, but recently abandoned the faith after years and years of searching for answers to my big questions and coming up dry. I talk about this a lot on a podcast I co-host called the Curiously Strong Podcast. Nowadays, I do yoga – I love the quiet strength it takes to stay in the poses and stay present through the pain. It’s a great release for me. I also do a lot of adult coloring books. I find it somewhat meditative.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? Going to Type Five looks like losing sight of my intuition and researching the crap out of everything to feel strong and capable again, which takes up a lot of time. I withdraw to spend time on my projects, distance myself from my spouse, friends and family, and hoard energy and resources. It strains my marriage because there is a clear divide between my normal energetic self and my stressed self. Also, if people reach out, I often don’t reply for fear that they want something from me that I can’t provide. It becomes very, very lonely and stressful.
Going to Type Two looks like building community and spending energy looking after others. I become more willing to bend to meet the needs of my spouse, friends and family and lose a bit of my “edge” (which always makes me a little sad, I have to say). I open up and become a little more comfortable with my feelings. Going to Two is incredibly painful because I realize how isolated I usually am and how protected I usually try to be. It’s worth it, though. The people around me are so kind.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? Oh boy. Where to begin! One thing I do is “somatize” everything, which means that everything I experience mentally or emotionally creates a distinct bodily response. For example, stress isn’t experienced as an emotion, rather my neck and jaw will tense up. If someone is upset with me, I don’t respond with emotion and may not even think much of it, but my stomach may become upset. When I accomplish something, I can feel a wave of peace and ease wash over my body. If I’m really happy, I can almost feel electricity coursing through my body, spurring me forward! It’s really hard to describe what this is like, but in short, almost everything happens as a body response first, then a mental response, then an emotional response. I hope that makes sense!
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? Healthy 8s are just the best, haha!! I am proud to be part of a group who shows up 110% to everything and has the strength to affect real change and empower others to do the same. I love my confidence and how much I care about “my people.” If you’re someone I love and trust, I’d give my left arm to keep you healthy and safe! Unhealthy 8s, however, are awful. Having such strength and determination is pretty destructive if we don’t pay attention to others’ needs and where they’re at.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? People would take advantage of it. That’s about all there is to it, haha!
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? (Totally selfish question!) If you strictly enforce a rule, be willing to explain the logic behind it. Nothing made me want to smash through boundaries like the “because I said so” answer. If I was still asking “why?” it was because the adults hadn’t convinced me that what they were telling me to do was a good or efficient or logical idea. 8 kids are smart – give us logic!
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days? Yield – yikes. This one is hard for me, but I’m getting better. I selectively choose people who are clearly better than me at things and try to learn from them. I am willing to take a backseat to someone who can prove their competence and confidence in an area.
Affection – another yikes! This word really gives me the heebie-jeebies. But again, I think I’m getting better. I have a lot of 9s and 2s (or w2s) around me and I appreciate their softness. They give me space to open up slowly and test the waters at my own pace.
Empowerment – HELL YEAH! I love this word. I generally feel so empowered in life – like the world is mine for the taking – and I want that for everyone else. As a social 8, I do my very best to spread the power and help others, especially women, find it within themselves. You’ve got this!
April Jordan is a sustainability and social justice advocate from Vancouver, BC, Canada. By day she slings words as a Communications professional, and by night she slings words some more with her sustainable lifestyle and fashion blog and Instagram – The Honest Root. Other than that, you can usually find April up a mountain, in a coffee shop or thrifting at a local vintage or consignment shop. She would love for you to reach out and connect about any of the afore mentioned topics, or just to say hello.
One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by coaching clients, people in Enneagram Groups I lead, and on social media is how to use the Enneagram in parenting. I’m a parent myself and have wondered many times, “Is there a way to use the Enneagram to somehow NOT screw up my kids?”
The answer is yes and no at the same time, as all wise answers tend to be. The good news is that we CAN use this centuries-old tool to help us as parents know, heal, and love ourselves in nine unique ways. With this knowledge, we CAN—with new awareness—provide creative, brave spaces for our children to develop their own healthy sense of personhood.
However, we don’t ever want to Type our kids in the sense that we guess what number they are and then say to them, “You’re a Type Four, and this is what that means.”
Why not? Well, there are potentially severe and long-lasting ramifications to typing children, and we’re aiming for health, not harm.
DON’T Type Your Kids!
Most master Enneagram teachers advise strongly against typing of any kind until kiddos are well into their teens. Some say 16-18 is okay to start conversations around the Enneagram. Others recommend waiting to introduce the system until kids have left home and are into their 20’s. Here’s why: Creating a false sense of self for your child can be traumatic and hard to undo once a child grows up. Neurological studies show that our brains aren’t fully developed until age 25, so we’re all still forming our patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and motivation biases until around then.
Children are changing and growing – all the time. They need space, not labels. According to the American College of Pediatrics, “The way parents or teachers label a child can have a lasting impact on how that child sees him or herself.” Placing a label on them like an Enneagram Type before they are cognitively and emotionally ready to process their own personhood can damage their sense of self. You, the parent, are telling them, “This is who you are,” but that might not be true, and it could create a war inside of the child, who then tries to fit into a certain kind of mold they think they should be.
Yes, many of our Enneagram Type-specific survival tools develop during childhood, but children don’t have the maturity or bandwidth to differentiate yet between an authentic self and a label.
Therefore, I’d strongly—almost universally—advise against sharing the Enneagram with children. I would never tell a child, “You are a Type ______.”
So then how do we as parents use the Enneagram in raising our kids?
Know Yourself Well, and Then Observe YourChildren!
First, we focus on our personal Enneagram journey. This will help us better understand how we’re wired to act and react in our relationships with our children. Self-awareness and Enneagram work reveals the ways in which we move about in the world, and helps us grow into healthier, more expansive people—which directly affects our parenting styles. If we’re in the Assertive Stance, we then know we’ll need to make sure to slow down and really make time for our children. If we’re in the Heart Triad, we’ll know that it will take effort to bring up logical thinking and gut intuition to parent with a balance of all three Intelligence Centers. We don’t have to try to be the perfect parent, only an aware one. With awareness, we accept our shortcomings, work on them, and ask for plenty of help, forgiveness, and grace. We’re all doing our best and that’s something to be proud of!
The Enneagram also shows us the places where our Types can shine! A Type Seven parent is the one to come up with awesome adventures, and a Type Four will truly understand whatever emotional turmoil a child might experience. We can bank on our strengths to help us navigate the murky waters of the never-ending, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this child?”
Second, we understand that while the Enneagram shouldn’t be used as a typing system for kids and teens, it can be safely used as an observation tool. By paying attention to our children’s ever-evolving patterns of behavior, speech, emotions, and thought-life, we can create healthier family dynamics by providing opportunities for our children to grow in awareness and balance.
The Intelligence Centers in Children
Pay attention to (in a given phase, year, or period of time) which Heart, Mind, and Body Triads in your children seem more dominant as they grow and change. By creating a family culture of communication and space, you can ask your kids and teens to share how they feel, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their bodies. Teaching the recognition of these processing styles (head, heart, mind) can help your children bring up centers they may not be dominant in at a certain phase of their development. For example, a child who seems to react to the world with her body by hitting, running, grunting, breathing hard, or jumping around, could have a parent engage in a body activity with her, talking about what feelings come up when they hit a punching bag together. This practice allows—without forcing—both her seemingly dominant way of being in the world, but also a new awareness of the importance of emotions. We want to provide connecting opportunities for kids to be themselves, while also encountering something new!
The Energy Stances in Children
Similarly, we can observe whether our kids seem to be (at a particular time) dominant in the Aggressive, Compliant, and Withdrawn Stance. Watch to see if this ebbs and flows, or stays more constant. Focus on awareness and activities that relate to their dominant Energy Stances such as reading or music lessons for withdrawn-seeming kiddos, but also on fostering space for their seemingly non-dominant stances to come out to play. Gently encourage a more withdrawn child to talk to one new person on the playground or suggest that a compliant child spend some time journaling about their feelings. The key isn’t to force balance (or a stance you’d rather the child have), but to introduce the child to all three Energy Stances in ways that are both safe and mildly challenging so that they grow.
Lastly, we can note Time Orientation, observing the Future, Present, or Past Time Orientations in our kids as they grow and change. The key is still to allow space and nurturing for their dominant orientation, while also offering awareness and activities that relate to the other two non-dominant time orientations.
I hope this resource helps us as together we parent with love, acceptance, and a ton of grace! -Melissa
Hello, friends. It’s Monday….feels like years and years since last Monday, doesn’t it? I read a FB post the other day from a parent whose toddler kept asking, “Is today a day?” Poor kiddo could not understand what was up. Why is everybody at home? Seems about right to me! I want to send all of you love and light and hope wherever you can find it, and permission to let the darkness feel as big and scary as it needs to at times. Allow it all and know you’re not alone. We’re all here with you, a Oneness of being that surrounds you with love.
Today, I’m excited to have Marisa and Jose on the blog, sharing with you about their experiences as Enneagram Type Eights. Thank you both so much for being here! Let’s dive into their juicy interviews:
Marisa M.
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? Anyone who has any familiarity with Type Eights knows that when we’re angry about something, we don’t hesitate to jump into righting wrongs; whether they’ve been committed against us or someone else. I take care of myself all the time. But, I’ve also helped family and friends with financial, housing, healthcare, education, legal, personal, and local government issues, and made sure no one was taken advantage of. In a world where it’s every person for themselves, the folks who are most at risk seem to be the ones who have a harder time figuring out where to turn for safe, reliable help. That’s where Eights come in.
When I’m angry, I tend to have really good days in the gym. It’s a great catalyst for pushing myself harder than normal. Being active outdoors (hiking, biking, camping) has a very calming influence on me.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? As a Type Eight, I look for others to have strength of character and not shy away from me in timidity. I need them to understand that I crave opportunities to genuinely engage, especially with difficult but necessary conversations. I find this intense engagement intimate and vital to building strong relationships. I need folks to not betray me out of fear and throw me under the bus because they don’t have the courage to engage with me like a mature adult. As an Eight, where others see anger, I just see a normal conversation. I need people to be willing to explain to me how they’re perceiving me—what I can do to make the conversation safer for them and more productive for all of us.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights?We’re passionate, not angry! We get worked up easily when it comes to injustices, but we’re not necessarily trying to steamroll anyone—we just want what’s right and fair, we want it yesterday, and we’ll do what it takes to make it happen. This urge is hard to temper. We’re eager to help, and that can sometimes come across as domineering, but that’s not at all the intent. Our passion for justice and helping lift others up tends to rev our energy levels, which is often interpreted as being controlling and dominating. We don’t mean it in a harmful way; we just have intense personalities. We are not assholes or dictatorial terrorists! We’re simply strong-willed and determined, and not about to sit down and shut up when we know we can do something to make a difference and help people. We’re really incredibly loving and nurturing, which is a byproduct of our inherent protective nature.
Bonus: The fact that I’m on fire about something doesn’t mean that I want to set the whole world on fire. I mean, I absolutely will if I deem it necessary. Without hesitating. I’m an Enneagram Eight, after all. But that’s not always the number one goal, or even on the radar.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? It’s my upbringing, really, that influences my spiritual practices. I don’t think my Eight-ness has much, if any, bearing on it. I pray, I reflect, I try to remain cognizant of the blessings in my life. That doesn’t seem too typically Eight to me…
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? When I move to Five, things get strained because I shut down and shut out. I withdraw, less to reflect and more to lick my wounds and cuss the situation (and often the other person(s) involved). When moving to Two, though, there’s an abundance of trust and openness and making space for those of us on each side.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? I get stressed when people won’t engage with me the way I need them to. When they won’t take the time to listen and understand me, and instead push me away thinking I’m being a jerk. When they won’t explain to me how I’m coming across and what I can do differently to engage with them in a more productive manner. The stress tends to hunker down in my neck and shoulders, so I feel it physically. I also tend to withdraw and shut down when it gets too intense, which negatively affects my mood.
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I love that we’re readily willing to stand up for and protect not only ourselves, but others. I love that we’re loyal, often to a fault. I love that even though we run screaming from vulnerability, we still maintain the most incredible capacity for an intensely loving, protective nature.
It’s frustrating that my Eight-ness causes others to see me as intimidating and angry instead of passionate, strong, and determined. I dislike being so blunt; it hampers my abilities to hit pause and develop tact before proceeding. I dislike that my Eight-ness makes others want to distance themselves instead of (even just gently) stepping into the ring with me. I frustrate myself in terms of being so willing to jump in, instead of taking a hot second to survey the land and weigh possible options. I’m slowly learning to lean into my Nine wing to help in that regard.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Folks might actually understand me better and not immediately conclude that I’m being a stereotypical Eight. But, vulnerability is scary and dangerous, and I was hurt horrifically the one time I dared to be completely vulnerable with someone. Because of that, I’m afraid I’d be hurt again if I took another stab at it. My girlfriend has been A-MAH-ZING in helping me process the trauma and damage, and slowly learn to let others in. It’s a work in progress…
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? (Totally selfish question!) Validate your kids. Allow them the freedom to live into who they are, their innate strength and desire to help and protect others, especially the younger ones. In fact, try to foster the Eight-ness in them, instead of trying to corral and control them. You’ll just tire yourself out and tick them off. In regards to the older, adult kids, don’t take us for granted. Yes, we’re always ready to take on a fight on your behalf, but it can be so exhausting. Be willing to take up your own battles and rely on us for support instead of dumping everything in our lap and sitting back to watch us work.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?
Yield: Pause, think, reflect, allow others the right-of-way instead of always charging headfirst into a situation. … It’s going. To be. OK.
Affection: This is the tender, often-unseen part of being an Eight that needs to be brought to the forefront. This will help others better relate to and understand us.
Empowerment: We are already empowered. We need to use our Eight-ness to empower others and support them in the process.
Marisa was born and raised in the DFW Metroplex and tended to be a strong-willed child, always taking up for others and going toe-to-toe with authority figures. She only started to learn about the Enneagram in the last year—and that she’s an Eight—so her past and present are starting to make infinitely more sense. It’s also become clear why she chased after a profession in the fields of law enforcement and public service. Marisa is proud to say she’s the first in her family to obtain a Masters degree (MBA) and is a rabid and unapologetic Shake Shack fan, having visited 30 locations in 22 cities across 9 states, the District of Columbia, and 2 countries (as of publication). She loves to travel, but a government paycheck just isn’t sufficient enough to pay for the amount she needs to support her wanderlust. With less than 7 years to go before reaching full retirement eligibility, Marisa is looking forward to a second career where she can put her MBA to use and make fat stacks so she can travel the world (and visit more Shake Shack locations).
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? I think I can summarize it in one word: Accountability. I think my access to anger allows me to hold myself and others accountable whenever I think we’re not living up to some standard. My ready ability to tap into accountability makes it easy to call myself and others out for being less than stellar— as well as standing up and fighting against things I don’t agree with.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? One of the most important things I look for in others is “effort” or “drive.” I absolutely understand that not everyone is capable of accomplishing the same things, but I think the one thing that matters most is that someone tried. I respect people who don’t make excuses for themselves, and I look up to those who are willing to try their best no matter what.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? I’m going to answer this from my perspective, but I really wish people didn’t think I was angry simply because I become very emotional in a conversation. I feel like my passion for things immediately gets received as anger, and that’s a little frustrating. I also think people don’t realize how unaware of ourselves we Eights can be. I always catch myself telling people “I really didn’t mean that that way” and I think part of that stems from how unaware I am of how I come off to people. Essentially, I wish people were capable of judging others based on their intent. Lastly, I wish others understood how self-critical we are. The one thing I find common about most of the Eights I know, is that we beat ourselves up endlessly, and I wish people saw that a little bit more.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? I’m not particularly religious, but I am absolutely drawn to things that make me feel more present in my body. Exercise and physical activity (hiking, jiu jitsu, skiing) really help me be present and help me be aware of myself in space. I think over time, as I’ve integrated, I’ve begun taking care of myself physically more and more, and that’s only helped me grow better.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? My closest relationships take a beating whenever I stress out. I think one of our worst characteristics is how self-forgetting we are, and whenever I’m stressed out I typically become insufferable. Anyone around me could become an outlet for some of the stress I’m carrying, and that’s typically not healthy. Nonetheless, if I’m integrating, my closest relationships shine. I work tirelessly to raise the people around me up an to push them to be better versions of themselves. I like thinking of this internally as my own “amplifier” effect, since I’m capable of bringing out the best in those around me.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? The Body Triad is great hahaha! I love being so in tune with my self, and I think something in particular I like about being an Enneagram Eight is how I’m typically pretty self-aware most of the time. Nonetheless, being a member of the gut triad makes anger an accessible emotion, and I’d describe my typical emotional state to be “slightly annoyed at something all the time.” I feel full of energy, with a deep willingness to push myself to my limits, especially if I am passionate about what I’m doing. If lose faith or belief in what I’m doing, then I really struggle to invest in it.
7. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Hmm, I’m sure that would be good in theory, but that feels really difficult. I wonder what other Eights will respond to this, but damn, I feel like I can only do that with a select group of people that I trust enough.
8. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? Man, I think the best thing you can do is to invite them to own their little lives. My parents raised me that way, and even from a young age I was aware of myself. I think by tapping into that core desire and drive of Eights to be independent, you can help your Eight child move toward integration earlier in life by empowering them. We’re quite stubborn people, and if you work to steer the drive, the huffing and puffing, and the energy toward helping them grow that might reduce the amount of times you butt heads.
I am a 25 y.o. engineer working in the Energy Industry in Process Control and Optimization. I typically never back down from a challenge, and I love opportunities to demonstrate my skills (not out of narcissism, but purely out of enjoyment). I love pushing the limits of what I’m capable of, and that reflects in everything I do. In my free time, I read, go to the gym, play guitar, cook, or look for new investment opportunities. In the past year, I started a nonprofit intended to teach people about economic freedom and the merits of capitalism. I recently took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu to add to my physical training, and I absolutely love skiing and hiking. Relationships are incredibly important to me. I strive to be able to provide for my parents and my close family so that if needed, they don’t have to worry about anything financially. In the long term, my goal is to affect and improve my community and the people around me. I’d like to enable all of those in my life to be better versions of themselves so they too can achieve their own goals.
Type 1: You know that you will need areas of control, structure, and productivity. Try to schedule these times when you are NOT parenting. Create zones during the day where you can cook, clean, deal with finances, work, or organize—when children are on their screens, doing schoolwork (on their own), or are being watched by your partner, roommate, spouse, grandparent, online babysitter, or in bed. Instead of trying to fight against your gifting and real need for order, work WITH it! Set aside “parenting time” where you as the adult understand things with kiddos will get messy, chaotic, loud, and unpredictable. After your parenting time, make sure not only are you allowing yourself productivity, but also that you’re physically exerting any emotions stored up during the day. Box in the garage, run on a treadmill, scream into a pillow (we all need this sometimes), practice yoga, or dance to a raging good song! Additionally, please add in times of pleasure: read a book, drink wine, listen to music, talk to a friend on the phone, order something online, draw, craft…whatever brings you joy!
Type 2: Be aware of your need to be SO helpful to your kiddos while they are home and adjusting to homeschool, lack of social connection, and generally being stuck-the-heck indoors! Also, there’s the whole germ-y thing that they’re trying to process. It’s weird and overwhelming for you all. However, make sure you don’t overwhelm THEM. Give your children some space to connect with their teachers, therapists, and friends online, and resist the urge to ask them about it. Give them space. While this space is being taken, please use it to look inward. Ask yourself what YOU need and then provide it if you can. If you’re living with a partner, spouse, or parent, ask them to meet some of your needs. Ask them to listen to your feelings. There are so many feelings. You’re dealing with an ultra-focus on immediate family, while also worrying about all the other friends and loved ones in your life. Trust that they will still be there, and allow yourself to relax. Meditate. Take a bath. Work out. Journal. Paying attention to you will help the whole family structure become even more healthy.
Type 3: Being home and in quarantine with your kiddos is going to test you, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent. Your need is to do and achieve. This isn’t possible when parenting during a crisis situation in which you’re all stuck together in one space. Make room for the rage that will emerge. Plan for it. Create a physical space that you can vent the inevitable frustration that arises when dealing with kids who have tons of energy, wills of their own, and are dealing with as much change and upheaval as you. How can you succeed? You can create work, home, cleaning, grocery shopping, exercise, or mental health goals to accomplish. Focus your main thrust of energies there, so that when it comes to parenting, you can relax more and go with the flow. Resist the urge to turn off and disconnect. Instead, think about ways you can help your children flourish. What does the team need right now? Ask your partner, roommate, spouse, parents, or other parent friends for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, your super-strength is authenticity. Be you, that’s what your kids truly need.
Type 4: Fours under stress move into Two energy, which means that you have a high likelihood of going into “superparent” mode during a quarantine. At first, it might feel good to meet everyone’s needs, be warm, helpful, giving, loving, and serving…but after a while this modality will take a toll. It’s okay. Expect that you will blow up with frustration and unrequited needs at some point. If/when this happens, allow yourself space to be. Withdraw like your Four self requires and allow a spouse, partner, parent, or the TV to watch your kids for a couple of hours. Use this time to walk, sit in the sun, write poetry, draw, scream in the car, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Create a schedule to complete your work, as well. Your job is just as important as your parenting. Love on you, and resist the urge to think you can never be enough. You already ARE enough. Bring back to your kiddos a sense of beauty in the mundane and creative ways to endure and find fun amidst a strange, bewildering time.
Type 5: Quarantine sounds like it’d be the answer to a Five’s social prayers except for two things. 1) We NEED people. 2) If you’re a Five parent you will get way too much people for a while. Lovingly accept your energy limitations and plan for them. Kids (of all ages) will suck more from you than you will ever have to give. Create spaces during the day where you can be totally off. Let another caregiver take over and hide in your room, closet, car, shower…anywhere you can have uninterrupted alone time to think and refuel. Again, if you’re a single parent, ain’t nothing wrong with letting a screen be your babysitter for a while! If you can, create separate space to do your job. Fives need time to think, time to work, and time to parent—all separately, or you burn out fast! Your Five parent superpower is attention, so pay attention to how your kiddos moods and energies shift, allowing non-attached space for the day to morph according to their needs. You’re great at disseminating information to kids in age-appropriate ways, and right now kids need to have real talks with facts and data, tailored to what they can understand. Find moments of true joy and enjoyment with your kids, these will become memories you’ll cherish for a long time to come.
Type 6: This is your time, you’ve been prepared, and now that it’s here, you’re both calm and terrified, probably in waves that push and pull at you with disorientating intensity. The great news is that kids will thrive under quarantine with a Six parent who knows what’s what and how to handle the intense things happening. You’re uniquely gifted to bring you children a sense of safety and readiness right now. Watch out for the tendency to discuss too much of the world’s crisis in front of your kids. It might feel good to talk, talk, talk about Covid-19 and the potential ramifications, but this anxiety can easily bleed into your children, causing them to feel terrified and possibly hide that terror from you. Be aware that in stress you push a little harder, become a bit more driven, and expect too much from your body. Temper this with family meditation practices, slow walks, relaxed homeschooling, and playful games.
Type 7: Oh, wonderful Seven parents from whom quarantine with your kids probably initially felt like someone was building a brick wall around you—a brick wall of inescapable torture! Your need for adventure, change, pleasure, and fun now has to be exercised in a limited space with limited people who, let’s be honest, are sometimes less than fun! Here’s the upside of being a Seven parent during quarantine, you’re gifted at sucking the joyful marrow out of anything. You have a superpower of turning a house into an adventure, a backyard into a mysterious play land. If your kids are older, think of all the ideas you’ll have to help them creatively attack their schoolwork, meeting virtually with friends, trying new hobbies, and investigating themselves. You’re deep, loving parents who have a wealth of care and emotional space to offer your children during this trying time. Make sure to extend creative thinking to yourself, finding unique ways to get the movement, energy, and variety you truly need to be your best self. Take the dog for a walk, invest in a master class, read interesting books, learn new trades, build stuff, tackle the yard work, and vent your feelings to the good old clouds whenever you can! (No one can see you talking to yourself now!) If you’re working from home, be aware that kids will test your propensity to inattentiveness, so carve out specific time to focus on and complete work tasks.
Type 8: Understand you’re a ball of intensity with a molten heart of gold. While your protected innocence makes you an amazing parent and lover of kids of all ages, during this time where triggers and emotions are running high, you’ll have to pay attention to your driven urges. Kids need space to be themselves; whether that means quiet, sad, joyful, funny, apathetic, withdrawn, or causing a ruckus. Metaphorically sit on your hands when you want to push them toward intent, purpose, betterment, and a drive they just might not share with you. Ask them questions about what they need from you. If it’s a break, use that time to complete your work and don’t worry that your kids are playing with mud or getting to the next level of a video game. It’s okay to be you and get shit done, while your kids get lost in their own worlds. Your superpower is your soft heart, so use it to have cuddle time, lots of deep talks, hugs, and reassurance that you’re there and you love your kiddos (of any age) fiercely. They need this so much right now, and Eights love like heroes.
Type 9: Quarantine with kids for a Nine will probably feel nice for a while, until it doesn’t. Allow yourself space for this progression to happen. Soak in the wonderfulness of being together, all the family time and experiences that you’re experiencing anew. Also allow yourself space for those kids to start to get on your nerves, ramp up your anxiety, and make you want to bust a hole in the wall and escape. Like the mantra of a Nine, it’s all okay. Where you’ll thrive during quarantine is one-on-one peacemaking/harmony. Focus your gifts on having chats with each child individually (again, any age) and really soak in their perspective, lending them your calm and understanding wherever they are. You’ll want to refrain from trying to be a group peacemaker in this instance, though. Tensions will run high at moments, and while you can understand everyone’s perspective, they might not. Accept that fights will happen and that conflict is inevitable. If it gets too much, ask a partner or other caregiver to step in so you can retreat and get some air. Take care of your body with exercise, healthy food whenever possible, and if you have a tele-therapist, utilize them to make sure you’re paying attention to YOU. Additionally, if you’re working from home, ask your partner or a co-worker to prioritize the day’s work tasks for you so that you don’t get too caught up in family life; your job still needs to get done.
During this uncertain season, when none of us know quite what to do or how to feel, let’s turn our attention to positivity as best we can. What can we offer each other in our homes, in Zoom meetings, on FaceTime calls, or in the flurry of texts and emails that we’ll be sending in the coming days? Here are a few examples of the gifts each Enneagram Type brings to the table in times of crisis:
Type 1: Bravery, Attention to Detail, Order, Tenderness
Type 2: Empathy, Plausible Solutions, Grit, Boundaries
Type 3: Action, Resources, Authenticity, Cooperation
Type 4: Non-Judgment, Depth, Space, Vitality
Type 5: Wise Insight, Attention, Leadership, Courage
Type 6: Connectivity, Vulnerability, Endurance, Adaptability
Type 7: Ferocity, Goodwill, Warmth, Intelligence
Type 8: Protection, True Care, Soul, Character
Type 9: Calm, Understanding, Reconciliation, Goal-Setting
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have an interview with Sheila Hozhabri, a digital marketing powerhouse, to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Eight by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose new book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. It’s fascinating! Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself!
Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Disruption’ to summarize Type Eights. Of Eights, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in [Eight] nature is the energy of disruption. What [Eight] nature seeks and is motivated by is autonomy. [Their] primary style of engagement is action. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in control and self-sufficient. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by dominance or oppression. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as panic. The primary and practical application for [Eight] nature is to breathe and practice stillness. The healthy [Eight] nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for growth.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 54)
Thanks, Sheila, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as an Enneagram Eight!
Sheila Hozhabri
1. In what ways do you use your Type Eight easy access to anger for good? This is a difficult one. I’m not sure I’ve fully honed in on how to use it for good, but I’d say standing up for those who can’t/won’t stand up for themselves. What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? The most healthy outlet I’ve found for my anger is boxing! I started doing it over a year ago and I can’t say enough about what a positive impact it’s had on my life. The best way I can describe it is that it exhausts me, and pours water over the anger flames.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? Loyalty. I don’t let a lot of people in, and definitely not quickly, but I am a good judge of character. Everyone I meet is living up to how I’ve judged them. If they fall short of my expectations, I can take it personally, and question my judgement. I’ve been learning to grow and accept people in my life when they fall short, but a big hurdle for me is betrayal. That one is hard to get over.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We’re very emotional and loving people. We’re not always angry. We’ll be your Ride-Or-Die for life—if you don’t let us down!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? No spiritual practices, but I have gotten into meditation over the past year. Honestly, boxing has become my spiritual practice!
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in Stress to your Arrow of Type Five? In stress, I shut people out to protect myself and my heart. I feel like I need to deal with stressful things on my own, so it’s difficult for me to let others in to help me deal. What happens to your closest relationships when you move in Health/Integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I am more open, vulnerable, and forgiving. I feel like an enlightened floating yogi, who can take on the worries/stresses/concerns of those around me and help them find the grace to deal—because I’m in a graceful place myself.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For a long time I felt like I had a ball of anger in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes it would get bigger, other times smaller. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so I need to get massages regularly! HaHa. I’ve become a huge fan of box breathing to help release some of what has been absorbed. And of course, the boxing helps release that, as well. I can happily say that the ball of anger feels very controlled and small thanks to these techniques.
7. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number? I didn’t realize that so many people have an issue saying ‘no’, it’s something I’ve never struggled with. Then, I figured out that it’s a trait of being a Type Eight, and I just LOVED that. I dislike the anger aspect of being an Eight, and how what I consider to be regular expression can be miss-interpreted as anger. (Melissa: This is big. Take note. Many Eights don’t feel or see the anger they express. For them, it’s just regular talking/communication. Sometimes, it’s not actual anger, but energy or bluntness and Eights can feel grossly misunderstood.)
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? For most of my life, I would have said that I would get taken advantage of or be left upset/heartbroken because showing that side of me is revealing my weakness. I just found out about a year ago that I had difficulty with vulnerability, and it took me a while to even figure out what being vulnerable means and how to practice it. I’m currently reading Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” which has opened up my eyes and heart to fully understanding vulnerability and shame and how being vulnerable isn’t a weakness.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight (presenting) children? Know that what is perceived as anger probably isn’t. As a kid, I would usually shut down when I got really angry. Avoid “calm down” or “Don’t get so mad/upset”. Instead, acknowledge that the child is feeling an emotion and help them walk through it. That might look like going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or being silent until they can form their thoughts clearly before talking about what’s wrong.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?Yield – Breathe. Don’t be trigger happy. Take a minute. Take breaths. Form your words and then speak/react. Affection – Speak how you’re feeling (good or bad), because closing yourself off is only hurting you in the long run. Empowerment – You don’t always have to carry the burden of the load. You can also trust others not to drop it.
Sheila is a digital marketing powerhouse who has been responsible for managing several successful digital platforms for pop artists. She is a driven, creative professional who is destined for a long, dynamic career in the entertainment industry. Sheila developed at love for the music industry in her teens and moved to Nashville to attend Belmont University in 2002. While at Belmont, she took a Comparative Spirituality and World Religions class where she first learned about the Enneagram. Upon graduating from Belmont, Sheila worked in artist management for 3 years before moving to London to get her masters at the University of London. In 2013, Sheila moved to Los Angeles and began working for a digital marketing company handling digital marketing strategy for major pop acts.
