I Need You to Need Me…

ines-pimentel-564023-unsplash.jpgAn Enneagram Type Two in health is a glorious creature to behold! They are warm, empathetic, kind, and generous. They are others-focused, meeting needs, and giving out of genuine love with no reciprocity expected. Twos know how to relate to others with a magical unicorn level of depth and understanding. They are usually very social and enjoy parties, retreats, nights out, and anything fun with lots of people. Integrated Twos are also quite attuned to their own needs and easily set and enforce healthy boundaries. They will be your best friend for life, but also tell you a firm “no” when appropriate.

A Type Two in autopilot takes their magical unicorn gift of special understanding and becomes obsessively attuned to meeting the needs of others. They push their relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs aside in order to spend all their energy helping someone else. Everyone else. The day of a Two is one giant quest to meet all the needs!

When stressed, Twos can become intrusive in their need to be needed and offer help “because they know better”. They can ask questions that are way too personal, ignoring the boundaries of those they love. Unconsciously, Twos in stress tend to seek out relationships with people who are a bit of a mess, in order to latch onto someone who will always need them. They want to be loved and helping makes them feel loved. Twos often get stuck in their pride of helping. They also get stuck wanting to be perceived as a good person, which makes it very hard for them to consider any kind of criticism. They do not take rejection well.

“But I’ve given you so much, how dare you say that about me!”

They can exhaust themselves in giving to get and take on a persona of the perpetual martyr.

tim-mossholder-414902-unsplashIt is very difficult for a Two to stop the “giving to get” approach to love. As children, they were either taught or absorbed the idea that if they presented their need to be loved, it would be rejected. During their formative years, a message was enforced that in order to be loved you must repress who you are and focus on others. Twos are quite often unaware of their own needs—and afraid that if they do express their needs to another, the need will be unmet. And if it is met, what about next time? Is this a safe relationship in which my needs will always be met? And round and round they go!

Also, this type of giving to get approach works for them—but only a surface level. They see how admired and needed they are. They are affirmed and adored. And what will happen if they stop? It’s pure terror for a Two to stop giving because it opens them up to the worst possible scenario—of not being loved for exactly who they are.

Richard Rohr says the path toward vibrant life for a Two is an intention to: “[Set] other people free and be thankful for the intimacy and attention that is possible in relationships. Mature Twos are glad when people about who they were once concerned go their own way in freedom.”dakota-corbin-211690-unsplash.jpg

It is then that Twos become the best kind of helpers, the ones who give joyfully to both themselves and other people. They are the bearers of grace, gratitude, and abundant hearts.

Are you a Type Two? Would you like to be interviewed for the Enneagram Paths Blog? Please fill out the form on the contact page. I’d love to hear from you.

*Photos by Dakota Corbin , Inês Pimentel & Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

What Are Wings?

roan-lavery-542074-unsplash.jpg“If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent them from growing.” ― Coco Chanel

Each Enneagram number has two Wings. The wings are the numbers on either side of each number, therefore it would be impossible for a Type Seven to have a One-wing. A Seven would have either an Eight-wing or a Six-wing—or possibly both. There are some schools of thought that say a person will have one dominant wing in the first part of their life and switch to the other wing in the second part of their life.

What is the point of wings? Many people find them confusing, but actually, wings help clarify Types. They help students of the Enneagram become increasingly specific about the ways in which a person moves about in the world.

According to Riso & Hudson on page 69 of The Wisdom of the Enneagram, “Wings help us to individualize the nine (more general) types of the Enneagram. Each wing is a subtype of the general type. Knowing the wing enables us to narrow down the issues that we must face on the [path to self-knowledge].”

One thing to remember is that a wing does not change a number, rather its characteristics are serving the purposes of the basic Type. The wing operates to further the drive of the Type number.

For example, a Type Three with a Two-wing (3w2) in health will tend to look like a regular Three but with a dose of Two charm and helpfulness. The Two-wing brings a concern for others plus generosity. 3w2’s are excellent in mentoring and coaching. They are more seductive Threes. They tend to be highly popular from a young age as the Two-wing brings a dose of heart. The Two-wing helps the Three to be keenly perceptive about what is going on with other people, they become more sensitive and caring for the needs and feelings of others. A 3w2 in health will be more extroverted, expressive, talkative, and enthusiastic than a 3w4.

A Type Thee with a Four-wing (3w4) will have a different energy and body language—more of an inward orientation. The Four brings a curiosity about the Three’s inner life and spirituality. They are attracted to the meaning of life, becoming less materialistic and more introspective. A 3w4 will prefer more independent activities, be quieter, and speak with fewer words. Because of their search for depth and meaning, they can more easily move away from the Three projected “successful” image. They will have the ability to present themselves in a more authentic way. The Four-wing can bring a more creative orientation, expressing feelings through the arts. A 3w4 will have a certain elegance, show good taste, appreciate beauty, and have a well-developed aesthetic.

Both are Type Threes. Their wings serve to lead the Three, and others, into a deeper understanding of their internal motivations and exterior behavior in a fine-tuned way.

To reiterate, “…your wing is the ‘second side’ of your personality, and it must be taken into consideration to better understand yourself or someone else. For example, if you are a personality type Nine, you will likely have either a One-wing or an Eight-wing, and your personality as a whole can best be understood by considering the traits of the Nine as they uniquely blend with the traits of either the One or the Eight.” (The Enneagram Insititute, Wings) harry-quan-486229-unsplash.jpg

Wings reveal a particular shade in the rainbow of humanity.

What are your questions about wings? Leave a comment below or email me through the contact page!

*Photos by Roan Lavery & Harry Quan on Unsplash

Passions and Virtues: The Spiritual Enneagram: Part II

Enneagram spiritual work has been explored by many of the great teachers: Riso and Hudson, Beatrice Chestnut, and Richard Rohr to name a few. All of them seem to agree that the Enneagram is an excellent tool for spiritual, as well as personal, growth. Riso and Hudson talk about what they call “the Essence”, which others might call the Universe, God, Divine, or True Self. “[Even] the most traumatic childhood experiences cannot damage or destroy our Essence. Our Essence is still pure and untarnished, although it is constricted and obscured by the structures of our personality.” (The Wisdom of the EnneagramDon Riso & Russ Hudson, pg. 35) Thus, Enneagram spiritual work is done to travel back to our Essence. To peel back the layers of personality that have hidden our True Selves and discover that, in fact, we are so much more than a number; we are infinite possibility.

In his book, The Sacred EnneagramChristopher L. Heuertz explains how we can identify the spiritual growth and spiritual regression patterns of each number. He provides charts of the passions and virtues of all the numbers. Here Enneagram Paths has taken the names of each passion and virtue from the charts and expanded them to include examples of behaviors and attitudes found in each number. The Sacred Enneagram is one of the best books on Enneagram spirituality and is highly recommended.


ian-espinosa-348171-unsplashThe Passion Paths: Lead to Darkness, Disintegration, and Brokeness in Relationship to Self, God, and Others.

Type 1: Anger which leads to a fixation on resentment. The Type One fears that they are imperfect and defective, and become overzealous in finding and correcting the perceived flaws in both themselves and others. The inability to ever find true perfection as a human leads to a simmering and suppressed rage. The suppression of the rage is what fuels their resentment. “Why can’t everyone else see and do things the right way, like me?” They exhaust themselves with this anger and compulsion.

Type Two: Pride or Self-Abnegation which leads to a fixation on Flattery. They give and give and give and deny their own needs in order to feed a lost sense of self-worth. They tend to have weak boundaries and confuse putting others first as love. They can become seductive, intrusive, and/or passive aggressive to win others — all an unspoken and often unconscious attempt to get their needs met.

Type Three: Deceit which leads to a fixation on Vanity. The Three in unhealth isn’t necessarily lying, they are bending the truth to serve their own need to succeed and thus prove their worth. Playing with words, telling half-truths, and selling something are all tricks Threes use to get others on board with their schemes and stroke their vanity. They often deceive themselves, not having a clear understanding of their own emotional landscape.

Type Four: Envy which leads to the fixation of Melancholy. The Four has an ideal outcome for everything and when their ideals fail to materialize, they are quick to see how everyone else’s life has worked out. The envy of others leads them down a dark path of depression and a miasma of low self-esteem. They swim in their sadness and disappointment.

Type Five: Avarice which leads to the fixation of Stinginess. Avarice is the excessive desire for gain. A Five can have an unquenchable need to hoard their resources. They gather their time, knowledge, energy, and material possessions around them like a dragon sitting atop a mountain of treasure. They feel inadequate and incompetent and hoarding all this stuff makes them feel safe. The cost of this attitude is stinginess. A Five who has let avarice take over will believe the universe is scarce. Thus, generosity with their resources is a source of danger and fear.

Type Six: Fear which leads to Cowardice. Sixes can focus much of their time and attention on the worst case scenarios. They are afraid to be alone, without the support and guidance of a group or person. When a Six gives into their overwhelming sense of fear about literally everything, they become cowardly, unwilling to step outside whatever safe comfort zone they have established. They refuse to open their minds to new ideas, to trust new people, or to try new things.

Type Seven: Gluttony which leads to the fixation of Planning. The passion of gluttony for a Seven means that they can become obsessed with the need for more. More food, more fun, more pleasure, more adventure, more money, more life! When a Seven cannot place healthy restrictions on themselves, they find they can never “be” in the present moment. They can’t enjoy what’s happening right now because their mind is busy whirling, trying to figure out how the next thing will be even better.

Type Eight: Lust which leads to the fixation of Vengeance. Eights lust for intensity, for a constant challenge—which can manifest in self-destructive behaviors. They are extremely confrontational with both themselves and others and feel compelled to make people pay for the ways they have betrayed the Eight (even though the Eight is likely to have started the fight in the first place).

Type Nine: Sloth which leads to the fixation of Indolence. A Nine will check out of life, becoming inactive and numbing themselves. They are unaware of their inner life and don’t care to be included in the external life of the world. They say whatever will keep the peace and can often be found sleeping, unable to cope with the demands of both their own feelings and the feelings of others.


bruno-nascimento-165629-unsplash (1)The Virtue Paths: Lead to Light, Integration, Love of Self, God, and Others.

Type One: Serenity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Perfection. When Ones can accept that nothing in life is ever 100% perfect and at the exact same time there is a delight to be found in the imperfections of life — they are able to accept themselves, others, and circumstances with calm serenity. They understand the divine beauty in all things and let go of the desire for everything to be right. Everything is already exactly what it needs to be right now.

Type Two: Humility which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Will or Holy Freedom. When a Type Two is spiritually growing they own their needs without shame and allow others to gift them with love. The ability to receive is wonderful for a Two, it teaches them healthy humility— a place of strength for a Two. They are then free to give to others in the way that God gives, with abandon, generosity, and no strings attached.

Type Three: Authenticity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Harmony/Hope. When a Three does their spiritual work and accepts that they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are, they move out into the world with their authentic selves. They are able to use their high-energy and drive to motivate a group towards worthy goals. They also provide others with grounded, realistic optimism founded on the great hope of a loving God.

Type Four: Equanimity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Origin. A healthy Four will understand that their emotions are the sea, constantly ebbing and flowing, all the drops of water part of the whole. This leads them to be at peace with their emotional state, accepting the rise and fall of the waves of feeling. Their Godlike quality understands that they are unique and special… and so is everyone else. They bring an awareness of the authentic, unique divine that resides within each person.

Type Five: Detachment which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Omniscience. A Five who has done spiritual work realizes the health in dissociating their thought life from outcomes. They detach from the need to think everything through in order to protect themselves and their resources. This allows them access to the divine power of energy and good detachment. They are able to assess situations with great wisdom and a Yoda-like-all-knowingness.

Type Six: Courage which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Strength. When a Six stops doubting themselves they find an inner wellspring of courage. Instead of engaging in mental acrobatics about worse-case scenarios, a spiritually healthy Six will move through their lives with purpose and great strength. They understand that God is their authority and safe space and can even become leaders, confident and resilient.

Type Seven: Sobriety which leads to the Godlike quality of Wisdom, Holy Work, or Holy Plan. A Seven who can learn to practice sobriety calms down their need for more. They are able to feel the full spectrum of their emotions and inhabit each moment exactly as it comes. This enables them to bring wisdom, a focused calling/work, and/or ideas about the divine order of the universe to the world.

Type Eight: Innocence which leads to the Godlike quality of Truth. When an Eight falls hard enough they become vulnerable and open themselves up to huge tender hearts that have been buried for so long. They become a protector of those wronged. They look out for the vulnerable with all the power and innate strength of will they have at their disposal. They are great advocates for social justice causes.

Type Nine: Action which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Love. Nines in health will be active peacemakers. They will recognize their own firm beliefs and then seek life paths that are actively inclusive, making sure others experience love, inclusion, and acceptance. They can truly understand and accept everyone’s point of view (much like the divine source from which we all come).

Photos by Ian Espinosa & Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

 

 

 

Type One: Body Language and Speaking Style

agence-producteurs-locaux-damien-kuhn-97746-unsplash“Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” ― Augustine of Hippo

“One minute was enough, Tyler said, “A person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort.” ― Chuck PalahniukFight Club

A Type One on the Enneagram is often called “The Perfectionist” because of their constant inner voice that sees everything as black and white; perfect and imperfect. The attention of the One in autopilot goes to any perceived imperfection. They notice the two percent failure of a job done ninety-eight percent well. This hyper-focus on what needs to be changed or made perfect can push them to become unbalanced. They become hyper-critical of themselves and others, arrogant in their idea of their own rightness, and excessively judgmental.

Ones often struggle with anger as a secondary emotion; their primary emotion being whatever the One felt immediately before feeling angry. For instance, a Republican father talking to his Democratic son about politics. He sees his son’s views as dangerous and he becomes anxious and worried that his son is supporting the “wrong” ideas. The One father will not express the anxiety or worry, but his tone of voice gets louder, he becomes tenser, and he begins to show lots of anger as he talks. Eventually, he gets so angry he has to walk away from the conversation, without ever paying attention to his primary emotions of anxiety and worry.

When encountering a Type One you will hardly ever see their anger but you can detect in it their body language. They will hold themselves erect, spine straight, and have stiff arms and legs. They will often punctuate their words with sharp hand gestures near their face.

Type Ones will generally have very neat appearances. Their shirts will be tucked in, their hair combed, and everything will be ironed.

Their gazes will be piercing and unwavering and their mouths downturned or in a thin straight line. They clench their teeth. You will frequently observe Ones engage in “deep sighing” during difficult conversations. The One is angered but feels that anger is not a correct emotion to express. Anger is sinful, or not moral, or not how a proper citizen should act, therefore they repress their anger—but it builds up much like a volcano builds up heat and lava and steam. A deep sigh is a way for the One to vent their steam, to let a bit of their anger out in an unconscious way.

When a One speaks their tone will be forceful and intimidating. They love to engage in dialogue about topics where they feel there is a right or wrong outcome. They want to debate to get to the truth, tending to focus on subjects like rules, procedures, obligations, responsibilities, flaws, operations, and mistakes.

jpegGiorgio Locatelli from Britain’s Big Family Cooking Showdown is the perfect example of a One. He literally prowls about the set, his brown eyes like lasers as he stares into the camera or the poor trembling cooks. He expects perfection he says, and nearly growls, “but I also am looking to see that they’re having fun!” Cooking must be fun for families and Giorgio is there to scare that fun into them whether they like it or not. He is quick to judge a dish “a shame” when it doesn’t come out absolutely perfect and it’s almost painful to watch the family cooks wilt under his harsh criticisms.

When Ones can quiet the inner critic they access their Type Seven tendencies: they become winsome and engaging, drawing on a sense of humor to lighten conversations. Joy, fun, and pleasure become part of their experiences as they accept the imperfection of life. They relax a bit and contribute intuitiveness and an innate sense of the natural order of things, but they don’t impose these ideals, they are content to live out wisdom and rightness in their own lives and accept the humanity of others. They allow others to be on their own path. They offer discerning insights to problems when they are in health and can become wise advisors.

Other Famous Ones: Harrison Ford, Emma Thompson, Hilary Clinton