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How Do I Thrive as a Type 5 Parent?: Kristel Acevedo Talks Gender and Parenting

Posted on August 12, 2019August 10, 2019 by melissakircher

Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and thus I’m constantly looking for resources to help me understand healthy ways to do this nebulous thing of raising another human. As an Enneagram student and teacher, I’m fascinated by how each Type approaches parenting, and how this ancient wisdom tool can help us all become more aware, more loving, and more spacious with our children and with ourselves.

I follow the guideline that most master Enneagram teachers advocate: don’t Type your kids. Parents can always get things wrong and create a false reality/personality that children adopt, only to figure out later they aren’t the person you always told them they were. Bottom line: Typing children has the potential to create harm. But, I DO think the Enneagram helps us become healthier people and parents. It also gives us a “paying attention mindset” — watching the patterns of behavior, energy, and time orientation our kids are displaying, then utilizing our Enneagram knowledge to draw out well-rounded ways of being in our children.

An amazing Twitter thread that began between Kristel Acevedo and Gena Thomas about Enneagram Five womanhood and parenting (and many more Type Five voices) inspired me to reach out to both Kristel and Gena. Both graciously agreed to an interview! Welcome Kristel, we’re all thrilled to hear from you today!

Enneagram 5 Womanhood & Parenting

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? I tend to stick to spaces I feel comfortable in. New environments usually cause me to be more quiet and observant. However, once I am familiar with a space I feel freer.

2. Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? I like that I am observant, logical, and pretty balanced. To me, that’s an advantage because I don’t feel like I get swept up in frenzy.

3. If you identify as a WOC please tell us about your experiences. As a woman who is the daughter of immigrants and as a Type Five, I feel it is my duty to share my observations on topics that are important to me, especially immigration. I can share my views in a balanced and fair way, and also have the ability to listen to others. I think I do a good job, most of the time, of keeping my emotions in check when discussing my experiences as a WOC.

4. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships? I identify as fully female, but I also think that I don’t carry some of the baggage of what some people believe a woman “should be.” Growing up, I saw my mom work hard outside of the home to break through glass ceilings. She never put her dreams on hold, but was still a loving (albeit, not very emotional) mother. She didn’t cook or spend her days cleaning up after us. I think it’s because of this that I didn’t feel the pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. I can just be who I am without thinking, “Is this what a woman is supposed to do?” I will admit that sometimes people have made me doubt the way I am naturally wired, but I have to believe that I am how I am for a reason. I spent a few years in my early motherhood trying to be a martyr. Once I snapped out of that and explored what best fits me as a parent, I could enjoy being a mom a lot more.

5. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? I’ve run into people thinking I’m emotionless. Or they’re not sure what to think of me because I’m hard to read. I’ve also been told that I look like I’m upset when in reality, I’m not. I have a hard time being with large groups of women that are all chatting away about something I’m not familiar with. I prefer smaller groups or one-on-one conversations. I also find that I get tired out easily. I try to keep my commitments low. What is the easiest thing about being a Five woman? In general, being observant and having the ability to bring a calming effect where ever I go.

6. What do you wish people knew/understood about women Fives? We are emotionally sensitive, we just don’t always show it.

7. Tell us a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram? I have two children. A boy who is eight and a girl who is six-years-old. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years. I began working outside the home when my oldest was in 1st grade. I’m married and thankfully my husband is a great dad! I discovered the Enneagram when my children were about five and three.

8. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs? I am lucky to parent with my husband who now understands my very real need to have time alone. He has learned to anticipate my need for alone time and will send me off to our room or to Starbucks so I can decompress. I find that when I have that time to myself on the front end, I can come back to my kids feeling truly refreshed and ready to talk, hug, sing, dance, and do all the fun mom things. I try to be fully present when I am with them, but I have also learned to let them know that I have my limits and that sometimes, “My brain is tired.” Thankfully, they have learned that when my brain is tired, it’s time for some quiet time.

9. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? I simply don’t have the energy to do all the things. That’s why we limit extracurricular activities and put a priority on family time at home. I sometimes feel bad that my energy is limited. But again, I’m thankful to be married to someone who has more energy than I do! Although as a Type Nine, my husband doesn’t have THAT much more energy! Do you find avarice creeping in on your relationships with your children? Maybe, regarding time, but honestly, not really. I realize that my time with them is limited and I want to make the most of it. Right now they are my top priority, but with each passing year they grow more independent and I know these needy little years won’t last forever.

10. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother day-in-day-out. I love my kids, absolutely and without question. But I’m also not “obsessed” with my kids. I’m okay if I’m not there for every little thing. I’m not a helicopter parent. I don’t feel the need to do everything for them. I push them towards independence little by little each day. I am affectionate with them and tell them I love them all the time, because I know that it would be very easy for me, as a Five, to be emotionally cut off, and I don’t want to be emotionally cut off from my children. I have a Four wing and I think this helps me in my mothering. I’m moved by beautiful things, and I find my children to be beautiful. It’s easy for me to show them my love. I definitely have my limits when it comes to physical touch. I am okay cuddling for a limited amount of time, but I also like my space and feel panicked when I feel like my space is being infringed on. I also feel panicked when I feel they are throwing too many words at me for me to pick up. I crave silence and seek it when I feel my kids have pushed me to my limit.

11. Give us as any tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in! What have you learned so far? I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all. When my son was born, attachment parenting was popular. I exclusively breastfed him, cloth diapered, co-slept, etc. And I just about lost my mind. PPD hit me hard, and I was not enjoying being a mother. I wouldn’t even let my husband take over for a few hours because I didn’t trust him and thought I had to do it all. I learned that it’s silly to martyr yourself as a mother. I would much rather lean into the old phrase, “it takes a village.” Finding my village has made me happier and lighter. I love seeing my kids form meaningful relationships with other adults and teenagers. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less just because I need a break from them. Being able to take breaks and do my own thing allows me to soak up the times we are together. I take my parenting responsibilities seriously, but I also want to have fun with my kids. That means we need to have some time apart so I’m not stressed out all the time.

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Kristel Acevedo spends her days working and serving in her local church by assisting the pastor, writing content, and managing social media. She has a passion for spreading hope and inspiration through her writing. She grew up in Miami but has made several moves to different states and is now settled into South Carolina with her husband, two kids, and puppy.

Website: kristelacevedo.com

Instagram and Twitter: @KristelAce

*Stock Photo by Sai De Silva & on Unsplash

Enneagram 4w3 vs. 4w5

Posted on January 13, 2019January 13, 2019 by melissakircher

Enneagram Type Fours are in the Heart Triad. They are introspective, experience a wide range of emotions, care about the deep meaning in life, have active imaginations, and make ample space for pain. Fours are the people you want to have around when a loved one gets sick or passes—they will empathize in whatever way you best need. Healthy Fours understand the complexity of inner life, often becoming masters at helping others navigate the realms of spirituality and soul. They will have a good balance between their own inner world and what they can contribute to the world at large. They are warm, astute in their advice-giving, and encouraging. Often mystics, artists, musicians, and contemplatives, Type Fours can also be CEO’s and accountants, bringing their wealth of emotional intelligence and creative thinking to almost any scenario. They are eloquent wordsmiths, speaking in symbols and metaphors that others can clearly understand. And above all, they value authenticity! “Be your unique self,” is the mantra of Type Fours.

People are human beings always in motion, not types that act in restrictive boxes, therefore the integration and disintegration descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem fully integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the full spectrum of stress/health levels in a day. In an hour even! Keep this in mind as you read on.

Type Four with a Three Wing (4w3)

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In Integration:

A 4w3 is an intelligent, curious, creative person who has a million ideas… and actually executes them. The Three Wing helps the Four move from the fantasy in their head to actual physical projects and businesses that take shape and do well. They have a much higher capacity to produce results than the 4w5. The Three Wings lends practicality to the mindset of a Four, which helps them balance out melancholic and dramatic tendencies. A 4w3 will tend to focus more on their careers and often have lofty goals, with the confidence of a Type Three to achieve them. A 4w3 can also sometimes be more extroverted than a 4w5, the Three Wing drawing out a normally introspective Type Four into social settings and group activities that are enjoyable. The Three Wing allows the Four to access more energy so they move out of the pools of emotion and reverie and into the real world.

In Stress/Disintegration:

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In stress or disintegration, a 4w3 combines the low side of both numbers. Both types have issues with identity, and so shame will be a core struggle. An unhealthy, 4w3 will be hyper-conscious of their image, become obsessive about relational issues (drama), and seek to find their authentic selves in projects rather than within. To maintain any kind of self-esteem, a stressed 4w3 seeks validation, trying to be seen as both unique and successful to impress others and win their love. The disintegrated Type Three shades the stressed Four with doses of anger and competitiveness. Who is more creative? Who is better than me to lead this team or make this decision? The disintegrated 4w3 throws modesty out the window, and can even act like they are royalty, which exacerbates the Type Four’s inclination to see themselves as ‘above’ the common person. Their finances take a hit as they spend excessively to create the right image, atmosphere, or environment.

Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5)

In Integration:

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Healthy 4w5s are a great mix of the Heart and Mind Triad. The Type Five’s brain energy compliments the Four’s orientation to immerse themselves in all the feels, creating a person who can empathize wisely. Think of them as a creative guru best friend. The Five Wing adds impartiality to the inner and outer experience of a Four, allowing them the capacity to reflect on relationships, situations, and emotions in a more objective manner. They can distance their ‘selfhood’ from their feelings and rely more on facts. Type Fours are normally profound and insightful, and the Five Wing lends even more wisdom through intellectual analysis. 4w5’s have an abundance of emotional depth and sensitivity, being able to view others and society through intensely perceptive and ground-breaking lenses. This is a usually introverted type, often quiet, but with active minds and cycling emotions.

In Stress/Disintegration:

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When stressed, 4w5s become eccentrics, agonized by emotions that feel overpowering and thoughts that race out of control. Their inner lives are so intense that they begin to drown in themselves, lost in a labyrinth of their own making. When this happens 4w5s often withdraw from their relationships and the outer world, thinking that no one could possibly understand their tortured experiences. This withdrawal causes their work and relationships to suffer because they aren’t living life, they’re trapped in their imaginations of reality. They rebuff all attempts at aid, insight, and practical help. In this state, a 4w5 can have a hard time holding down a job or taking care of their basic needs because in every area they doubt themselves. The weight of the universe rests on their shoulders, and they often escape into idealized memories. They can become hermits who don’t dare to trust themselves, other people, or society.

*(A special thank you to Beyoncé for her wide range of gifs. This post is not trying to type Queen B, I just like how she expresses literally everything!)

Interview with Type Three: Jordin Kelly

Posted on January 7, 2019January 5, 2019 by melissakircher

“Be—don’t try to become” ― Osho

Hello Enneagram lovers! Today on Enneagram Paths I’m continuing the interview series with another Type Three, Jordin Kelly. I’m so excited, you have such great things to share. My partner is a Three, and I was reading your answers to him out loud, asking, “is this true?” It’s good stuff, you guys.

Welcome, Jordin, thanks for being here and sharing with everyone your unique experience as a Three!

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I get really uncomfortable when there is no goal to work toward. Even if there is nothing to be achieved, I will make something up to keep me preoccupied with a sense of proving my self-worth. Everything I do, including relationships and spirituality, has tinges of achievement-oriented thoughts. Case in point: my entire spiritual journey started by trying to “achieve” enlightenment

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

At my healthiest, I make decisions with my heart. In other words, whatever I feel most “aligned with,” I choose. However, sometimes I am afraid of my heart because it is inefficient, childlike, and has no concept of a finish line or achieving anything. For a lot of my life, I have actually tried my best to avoid making decisions with my heart and instead relied on my mind to logically figure out what I should do because that seems more efficient.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

Yeah, I’ve got this thing I do where if I feel vulnerable, I just totally withdraw like a Nine. I go to a place deep within myself that makes it hard to communicate clearly because shame twists everything. Also, I have a very hard time expressing anger. It’s one of the quickest feelings I both self-medicate with and withdraw from.

When I go to Type Six, this weird thing happens where I feel more separate and more connected with my partner at the same time. I feel more separate in that I no longer am seeing them as just an extension of myself to manipulate and take for granted. Instead, I see them as a separate person, with their own wants and needs, in their own beauty, and I can actually appreciate them for who they are instead of using them to help me feel like less of a failure. And I feel more connected with them because I feel like more of a team. I am trusting, instead of insecure or anxious. So, it’s like I become less co-dependent and more present, trusting, and appreciative.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

I moved around a lot as a kid. As a result, I got really good at working my way into friend groups. One time in high school it finally dawned on me like, “Wow, I start talking and acting like whoever I want to hang out with. And I’m so good at it that I sometimes do it better than they do.” I think even beyond the achieving and success-oriented part of my Threeness, the chameleon/mask wearer part is going to be the hardest for me to shake. It’s like it’s unconscious. I went to Peru, and within the first day there I already knew what clothes I needed to buy to look cool and fit in. It can be nice when I can “speak the language” of virtually anyone, but it is also a curse. There is a lot of pain and suffering that comes from abandoning myself to play what I think is a more admirable role for someone else. I would say most of my pain comes from this, actually.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

I feel like a lot of what I read on the internet about Threes is really surface-y of the type. Like, sure we like achieving things and work really hard and all that. But maybe similar to Sevens, there is a deeper side to us Threes that doesn’t get talked about very much. At our core: we work hard to achieve things because we don’t feel like we are worthy human beings until we prove it; until we convince someone else to say we are good enough. We’re so disconnected from the part of ourselves that knows we are worthy no matter what, that we’ve no choice but to manipulate others by performing and achieving into being a replacement for that part of ourselves. The real tragedy is that nothing outside of us can replace that part of ourselves. And while all we’re looking for is ourselves in our search for worth, we tend to disconnect from ourselves even more in the name of winning attention and admiration from others.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I’ve got a Four Wing which means I’m both terribly tortured (and dramatic ) and complete with a system of checks and balances. When I feel sad, my Threeness wants to power through the sadness and get to work, but my Fourness wants to sit and wallow in it for a while. Since I look similar to a Nine in stress anyway, I usually end up wallowing and/or self-medicating. And then my Threeness shames me harshly for wallowing and not being productive. Which makes me want to wallow even more. It’s a vicious cycle that has lead me to very severe depression. Another aspect that can be torturous at times but has felt more like a beneficial check and balance system for me is the Type Three’s tendency to betray themselves to fit in and the Four’s desire to be 100% authentic and stay true to themselves even if it means not fitting in. In this way, my Four Wing has actually been a map back to my virtue of honesty while still maintaining my three superpower of adaptability and connecting with others using their language.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Phew. I mean, that is THE game changer for me as a Type Three. It speaks directly to the inner chains that say, “I am only loved if I succeed.” To be loved even in failure means I can get off the hamster’s wheel and stop trying to hard to be anything other than myself. One night I went out with a couple of friends to play shuffleboard. One of the girls had so much to drink that she wasn’t doing very good at the game. I could tell though, that her teammate loved her so much that he would rather be on her team and lose than to win and not be on her team. That realization hit me hard. Because love like that is so foreign to a Three. I imagined being loved that way, and loving myself that way, and for an instant, it was like everything shifted, my inner chains broke open, I stopped running on the hamster’s wheel, and I just…was. I felt free to try new things and not have to worry about failing because I would rather be on my own team and fail than to betray myself and win.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I do, but I don’t call it anything in particular. Growing up I was a Christian, which for me, was the perfect vessel to use all my Three neuroses to win the approval of God. I played the part valiantly, but even my construct for God could not replace the part of myself I was searching for; the part that knows I don’t need to earn my worthiness, that I am already worthy. I am very spiritual now, but have no labels for anything. I play in all religions and non-religions, holding everything loosely. I don’t have a set practice on purpose, because I don’t want it to turn into another thing to check off the to-do list. Instead, I try to get in touch with my heart and follow my desires for spiritual practice in the moment. There is no separation between secular and spiritual in my life anymore. By tuning into my heart, I find that I’m always practicing my spirituality.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

Committing to feeling all of my feelings revolutionized my life. I have a lifetime of stored emotion packed away in my body because I refused to feel it. After all, it is hard to run an efficient race when you’re sobbing uncontrollably. But committing to feeling all of my feelings forced me to change my priorities from achievement and efficiency to connecting with myself in the here and now. This has opened up a whole new world – a painful world sometimes, sure, but also a happier, more integrated and more connected world that I much prefer.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Achievement and admiration used to be the motors that kept me moving forward, now it is authenticity. Instead of asking how I can be more productive, I now ask how I can connect with myself even deeper. Being is still very hard for me sometimes. Similar to Type Sevens, staying in the same place starts to feel like sinking. I get restless and get the urge to DO something. But I’m learning that just being is perhaps the most fruitful thing I’ve ever done. Underneath the icky stuff that sometimes gets brought up when I stand still long enough, being always leads me back to myself and to reality. It is necessary for centering, and makes me wonder how I can integrate even something like productivity into presence even more in my life.

jordin pic Bio: Jordin Kelly is proof you’re not the only weirdo spinning around this ball of blue. Don’t believe it? All the proof you need is on her blog at ourweirdlives.com. There she shares her most embarrassing moments and other stories tailored around one thing: helping you feel less weird and alone. Do yourself a favor and check it out here.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/weirdlivesblog/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/weirdlivesblog

*Photo by Andi Rieger on Unsplash

What Are Subtypes?

Posted on June 18, 2018June 17, 2018 by melissakircher

“The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry, and horny. The lizard brain only wants to eat and be safe. The lizard brain will fight (to the death) if it has to, but would rather run away. It likes a vendetta and has no trouble getting angry. The lizard brain cares what everyone else thinks, because status in the tribe is essential to its survival. A squirrel runs around looking for nuts, hiding from foxes, listening for predators, and watching for other squirrels. The squirrel does this because that’s all it can do. All the squirrel has is a lizard brain. The only correct answer to ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ is ‘Because it’s lizard brain told it to.’ Wild animals are wild because the only brain they posses is a lizard brain. The lizard brain is not merely a concept. It’s real, and it’s living on the top of your spine, fighting for your survival. But, of course, survival and success are not the same thing.” ― Seth Godin, Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?

What happens when we figure out our Enneagram type, then we figure out our wing and then we begin the personal, relational, and spiritual work of the Enneagram to move out of type and into our True Self? There’s still more to uncover! We’re on the path, we’ve got a bit of a map….but not quite all of it yet. To make this ancient wisdom tradition/typology even more complex and difficult, there are these amazing three categories within each type called subtypes! Each number on the Enneagram wheel can be broken into one of the three subtypes, thus creating twenty-seven Enneagram Subtypes.

So what are subtypes? I like to think of them as the lizard-brain lenses. The “limbic system of the brain has been implicated as the seat of emotion, addiction, mood, and lots of other mental and emotional processes. It is the part of the brain that is phylogenetically very primitive. Many people call it “The Lizard Brain” because the limbic system is about all a lizard has for brain function. It is in charge of fight, flight, feeding, fear, freezing-up, and fornication.” (Your Lizard Brain, Joseph Troncale, M.D. Psychology Today)

The three subtypes are categorized by these lizard brain functions: Self-Preservation, Social Interaction, or Sexual (One-to-One Bonding). They shade your thought patterns and behaviors. So a Self-preservation Three will seem quite different than a Sexual Three because they will have different survival mechanisms operating within the realm of their personality. We have each of the three survival instincts hard-wired into us, but usually one of the instincts will show itself more dominantly than the others — sometimes two will emerge which is called stacking. Stacking is a whole other blog post! For now, let’s take a brief look at each of the subtypes to try to understand this concept more fully.

Self-Preservation: Attention and behavior are focused on anything concerning physical comfort, safety, and survival. People that are “Self-Pres” direct their energy into making sure they have enough food, shelter (good shelter), clothing, and are healthy. They try to avoid danger at all costs and like to have structure in their lives. “In addition, they put effort into having enough money, securing their future, making plans, and aligning themselves with people who provide for them in emergencies or times of scarcity.” (Self to Lose, Self to Find, Marilyn Vancil, pg. 145).

Social: People with a Social subtype are usually concerned about the health and well-being of the social circle they find themselves in. They are also focused on finding and maintaining a good place within that particular tribe. Survival of the community is directly tied to the survival of the individual in their minds and so they work for the flourishing of the whole. Their attention will be focused on belonging, relationships, and recognition and they will feel threatened by anything that jeopardizes their role in society.

Sexual or One-to-One Bonding: This subtype’s behavior and attention are concerned with anything that has to do with the quality of a relationship with a specific individual. They are person-to-person focused — which makes sense if you think about how much effort it has taken from an evolutionary standpoint to procure a mate. Mating is the way we survive, though a Sexual subtype is not all about sex. This Subtype is also concerned with intimate friends and knowing key and influential people. They will have a longing to create connection, warmth, and intimacy with another person as a means of security.

Since I used a Type Three as an example above, let’s get a brief summary of how a Type Three might look as a Self-Pres, Social, and Sexual Subtype:

“The passion of Type Three is vanity. The three distinct Type Three subtypes each express vanity through the need to achieve and maintain a successful image, but this manifests in three different ways. [The] Self-Preservation Three is more focused on working hard to do things in the best way possible and less focused on being the center of attention; the Social Three likes to be on stage more than the others Threes and craves recognition for performance; and the Sexual Three seeks attention through attracting a romantic partner and promoting and supporting the important people in their lives rather than just manifesting their own achievements.” (The Complete Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, pg.327)

Now we have a primer of the three subtypes from which to dig a bit deeper into who we are as unique individuals and how the Enneagram can free us from the trance of type and help us learn to embrace health and wholeness and our true selves. Knowing our subtype helps us become more self-aware of our conditioned thoughts and behaviors; it is yet another useful Enneagram tool. For more information on subtypes I’d highly recommend The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut, The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson, or the blog post “Intro to Instinctual Subtypes” by Oceanmoonshine9.

*Photo by Reptile Pod on Unsplash

Enneagram Type Seven: More Fun Than Anyone

Posted on May 21, 2018May 21, 2018 by melissakircher

“And the sun and the moon sometimes argue over who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct.”
― Hafiz

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Radical honesty here, I want to be a Type Seven. Ohmagosh, Sevens seem to have so much fun and as a Type Five, fun is like the literal last thing on my mind! (But it needs to be.) Healthy Sevens, man they’re cool. They make even the most mundane thing seem as though it’s the best ever.

Okay, enough about my Enneagram crush on Sevens. Let’s learn some basic information about these glorious people — because I’m a Five and information is my superpower!

Enneagram Type Seven at Their Best

In their healthiest state, Type Sevens live life to the fullest. They suck every drop of happiness from each moment and, surprisingly, are totally present in that moment. They are the kings and queens of mindful joy and teach others how to appreciate the simple and even mundane things of life. Healthy Sevens truly enjoy life and they see the world through a lens of optimism. This Type is highly energetic and fast-paced, always going and doing and being everywhere all at once. They have a wide range of abilities and gifts that span many different areas of life. At their best, they use their brainstorming skills to come up with new, innovative ideas and enjoy the entire process of implementing their plans. Sevens can quickly derive associations and interrelation’s between things that others would miss — their sharp minds perceive patterns and deeper realities that are not readily apparent. Healthy Sevens are highly creative and love to have multiple projects going at once. They swiftly get others involved in these projects with their enthusiasm and genuine high-spirits. The most important thing to realize about Sevens in health is they are happy because they have learned how to accept the reality of pain — without trying to escape from it. This ability to endure pain makes them resilient. Then, crisis turns into a challenge to overcome, instead of something to flee. At their best, Sevens are funny, engaging, fantastic storytellers, charming, and delightful to be around.

Enneagram Type Seven in Autopilot

The first thing to know about Type Sevens in Autopilot is that they are in the Head Triad on the Enneagram. This might be surprising to some, but it’s not to Sevens. Their minds are constantly churning — just like Type Fives and Sixes — and they deal with the same core emotion of fear. hipster-mum-102826-unsplash The racing mind of a Type Seven is attuned to getting them the hell away from anything boring. They fear boring. Feeling bored means that they might have to stop all the fun and deal with some hard things — like pain. Sevens do not want to feel pain, this is why they plan and move so fast.

Having a constant baseline of happiness can begin to become a need for a Seven. Their thoughts turn to ways they can seek new and more exciting sources of stimulation. In Autopilot, they have to be free and independent, and when any kind of boredom sets in they start to feel stifled, becoming restless and scattered. They begin to do too many things, say yes to too many social engagements, take on too many projects, and go out every night. They are terrified of missing out, but what they are really terrified of is dealing with the difficult things in their lives. As they get more and more stressed, they lose focus and quit things. They start to live in the future (in their heads) and become persistently dissatisfied with the present. They get angry and frustrated and so plan more activities to make their happiness return — it becomes a cycle. Eventually, the Seven burns out or turns to addictive, self-destructive behaviors. At their lowest levels of functioning, Sevens can become childlike, impulsive, demanding, insensitive, and they rationalize their selfish, self-indulgent behavior with poor excuses or defensive criticisms.

Arrow to Five in Health

Able to focus on one task and see it through to completion.
Start to care more about deeper subjects like spirituality, the meaning of life, social justice, and so forth.
The need to be the center of attention and action is lessened and they take time to withdraw and reflect in solitude.
Lust for more is tempered and become satisfied with simple pleasures.

Arrow to One in Stress

Optimism can start to tilt toward pessimism and their worldviews become more black and white — often as it relates to their own actions and choices. “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
When bored they take their frustrations out on others with critical and judgemental comments.
Restless and angry, feel like the world is trying to oppress them.
Natural good humor becomes biting, harsh, and sarcastic.
Can become perfectionistic about pleasure. What they expect of experiences and people in terms of how both will make the Seven happy becomes totally unrealistic.

Body Language

Sevens appear smiling, engaged, and generally happy. Their eyes are wide and almost seem to sparkle. They talk with expressive hand and arm gestures and lean forward during conversations. They will crack jokes and have an animated energy to them, always moving about the room, always trying to find the center of all the action.

*Photos by Adam Whitlock ,Hipster Mum , John Moeses Bauan , Aatik Tasneem on Unsplash