Enneagram three » Enneagram Paths Coaching

Remember: How Each Enneagram Type Seems vs. How They Actually Are

Posted on May 5, 2021 by melissakircher

Remember is a powerful word. Why? Because we humans, despite all our learning and education and wise living, are prone to forgetfulness. We forget that not everyone else thinks, feels, and acts like us. We forget that everyone sees the world through their own unique lenses. We forget because it’s just a natural thing to do!

Sometimes, we need a little help with remembering. A gentle nudge to restore our compassion and empathy for another who seems rather alien (or irritating) to us! Here is a list of things to remember about each Enneagram Type.

Type One

They give the best advice, allow space for anger, are fantastic problem solvers, and make us cry-laugh with their great sense of humor.

Remember: Type Ones might seem harsh and judgemental to you, but they are so much harder on themselves. Compassion and levity go a long way in relationships with Ones.

Type Two

They are such a source of encouragement, root for the underdogs, know exactly what you need when you’re low, and truly care about everyone doing well.

Remember: Type Twos can seem overly involved and extra cheerful to you, but they are actually giving out the kind of love they need to receive. Thoughtfulness and reaching out go a long way in relationships with Twos.

Type Three

They want you to reach your fullest potential, believe in the greatness of others, care deeply, and want the world to be an amazing place.

Remember: Type Threes might seem disingenuous and unemotional to you, but they have actually lost their connection to self in order to please everyone else. Offering grounded, heartfelt space to process will go a long way in relationships with Threes.

Type Four

They are masters of metaphor, make ample space for other’s pain, delve into authenticity with vigor, and can pinpoint feelings with serious accuracy.

Remember: Type Fours might seem dramatic and mysterious to you, but they are actually seeking a deep understanding of themselves and all of life. Offering stories about your own emotional landscape will go a long way in relationships with Fours.

Type Five

They are thoughtful, measured, funny, spontaneous, curious, and care for their chosen tribe and projects with great zeal.

Remember: Type Fives might seem aloof and detached to you, but they are actually making sure that when they do show up, it’s with care, empathy and 100% presence. Believing in the deep, vast hearts of Fives will go along way in relationships with them.

Type Six

They are loyal friends and partners, kind, care deeply about everyone’s wellbeing and are totally prepared badasses.

Remember: Type Sixes might seem wary to you, but this is not your fault. They are trying to figure out if they trust themselves about trusting you. Being forthright about who you are and where things stand will go a long way in relationships with Sixes.

Type Seven

They are sensitive, deep, bright, infused with curiosity, go-getters, and full of zest.

Remember: Type Sevens might seem scattered and flaky to you, but they are actually trying to get the most out of life. Being calm and centered will go a long way in relationships with Sevens.

Type Eight

They have your back, live with passion, are seriously compassionate, strong and fight for the underdog.

Remember: Type Eights might seem intense and intimidating to you, but they are actually wearing this specific armor to keep their big hearts safe. Standing your ground with compassion will go a long way in relationships with Eights.

Type Nine

They are warm, inviting, calm, fierce, smart and understand others with great depth.

Remember: Type Nines might seem checked out to you, but they are actually working hard to keep all their connections intact. Asking what they want, with tons of space and time for answers, will go a long way in relationships with Nines.

Are you unsure about your Type? Have you taken online assessments and found them to be confusing and unhelpful? I, Melissa, am here to help with 1-hour phone Typing Sessions! I’m a certified Enneagram Teacher who can untangle the often mystifying world of typing! Click here to get more information about your unique session: ENNEAGRAM TYPING SESSIONS

Interview with Type Three: Jordin Kelly

Posted on January 7, 2019January 5, 2019 by melissakircher

“Be—don’t try to become” ― Osho

Hello Enneagram lovers! Today on Enneagram Paths I’m continuing the interview series with another Type Three, Jordin Kelly. I’m so excited, you have such great things to share. My partner is a Three, and I was reading your answers to him out loud, asking, “is this true?” It’s good stuff, you guys.

Welcome, Jordin, thanks for being here and sharing with everyone your unique experience as a Three!

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I get really uncomfortable when there is no goal to work toward. Even if there is nothing to be achieved, I will make something up to keep me preoccupied with a sense of proving my self-worth. Everything I do, including relationships and spirituality, has tinges of achievement-oriented thoughts. Case in point: my entire spiritual journey started by trying to “achieve” enlightenment

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

At my healthiest, I make decisions with my heart. In other words, whatever I feel most “aligned with,” I choose. However, sometimes I am afraid of my heart because it is inefficient, childlike, and has no concept of a finish line or achieving anything. For a lot of my life, I have actually tried my best to avoid making decisions with my heart and instead relied on my mind to logically figure out what I should do because that seems more efficient.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

Yeah, I’ve got this thing I do where if I feel vulnerable, I just totally withdraw like a Nine. I go to a place deep within myself that makes it hard to communicate clearly because shame twists everything. Also, I have a very hard time expressing anger. It’s one of the quickest feelings I both self-medicate with and withdraw from.

When I go to Type Six, this weird thing happens where I feel more separate and more connected with my partner at the same time. I feel more separate in that I no longer am seeing them as just an extension of myself to manipulate and take for granted. Instead, I see them as a separate person, with their own wants and needs, in their own beauty, and I can actually appreciate them for who they are instead of using them to help me feel like less of a failure. And I feel more connected with them because I feel like more of a team. I am trusting, instead of insecure or anxious. So, it’s like I become less co-dependent and more present, trusting, and appreciative.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

I moved around a lot as a kid. As a result, I got really good at working my way into friend groups. One time in high school it finally dawned on me like, “Wow, I start talking and acting like whoever I want to hang out with. And I’m so good at it that I sometimes do it better than they do.” I think even beyond the achieving and success-oriented part of my Threeness, the chameleon/mask wearer part is going to be the hardest for me to shake. It’s like it’s unconscious. I went to Peru, and within the first day there I already knew what clothes I needed to buy to look cool and fit in. It can be nice when I can “speak the language” of virtually anyone, but it is also a curse. There is a lot of pain and suffering that comes from abandoning myself to play what I think is a more admirable role for someone else. I would say most of my pain comes from this, actually.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

I feel like a lot of what I read on the internet about Threes is really surface-y of the type. Like, sure we like achieving things and work really hard and all that. But maybe similar to Sevens, there is a deeper side to us Threes that doesn’t get talked about very much. At our core: we work hard to achieve things because we don’t feel like we are worthy human beings until we prove it; until we convince someone else to say we are good enough. We’re so disconnected from the part of ourselves that knows we are worthy no matter what, that we’ve no choice but to manipulate others by performing and achieving into being a replacement for that part of ourselves. The real tragedy is that nothing outside of us can replace that part of ourselves. And while all we’re looking for is ourselves in our search for worth, we tend to disconnect from ourselves even more in the name of winning attention and admiration from others.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I’ve got a Four Wing which means I’m both terribly tortured (and dramatic ) and complete with a system of checks and balances. When I feel sad, my Threeness wants to power through the sadness and get to work, but my Fourness wants to sit and wallow in it for a while. Since I look similar to a Nine in stress anyway, I usually end up wallowing and/or self-medicating. And then my Threeness shames me harshly for wallowing and not being productive. Which makes me want to wallow even more. It’s a vicious cycle that has lead me to very severe depression. Another aspect that can be torturous at times but has felt more like a beneficial check and balance system for me is the Type Three’s tendency to betray themselves to fit in and the Four’s desire to be 100% authentic and stay true to themselves even if it means not fitting in. In this way, my Four Wing has actually been a map back to my virtue of honesty while still maintaining my three superpower of adaptability and connecting with others using their language.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Phew. I mean, that is THE game changer for me as a Type Three. It speaks directly to the inner chains that say, “I am only loved if I succeed.” To be loved even in failure means I can get off the hamster’s wheel and stop trying to hard to be anything other than myself. One night I went out with a couple of friends to play shuffleboard. One of the girls had so much to drink that she wasn’t doing very good at the game. I could tell though, that her teammate loved her so much that he would rather be on her team and lose than to win and not be on her team. That realization hit me hard. Because love like that is so foreign to a Three. I imagined being loved that way, and loving myself that way, and for an instant, it was like everything shifted, my inner chains broke open, I stopped running on the hamster’s wheel, and I just…was. I felt free to try new things and not have to worry about failing because I would rather be on my own team and fail than to betray myself and win.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I do, but I don’t call it anything in particular. Growing up I was a Christian, which for me, was the perfect vessel to use all my Three neuroses to win the approval of God. I played the part valiantly, but even my construct for God could not replace the part of myself I was searching for; the part that knows I don’t need to earn my worthiness, that I am already worthy. I am very spiritual now, but have no labels for anything. I play in all religions and non-religions, holding everything loosely. I don’t have a set practice on purpose, because I don’t want it to turn into another thing to check off the to-do list. Instead, I try to get in touch with my heart and follow my desires for spiritual practice in the moment. There is no separation between secular and spiritual in my life anymore. By tuning into my heart, I find that I’m always practicing my spirituality.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

Committing to feeling all of my feelings revolutionized my life. I have a lifetime of stored emotion packed away in my body because I refused to feel it. After all, it is hard to run an efficient race when you’re sobbing uncontrollably. But committing to feeling all of my feelings forced me to change my priorities from achievement and efficiency to connecting with myself in the here and now. This has opened up a whole new world – a painful world sometimes, sure, but also a happier, more integrated and more connected world that I much prefer.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Achievement and admiration used to be the motors that kept me moving forward, now it is authenticity. Instead of asking how I can be more productive, I now ask how I can connect with myself even deeper. Being is still very hard for me sometimes. Similar to Type Sevens, staying in the same place starts to feel like sinking. I get restless and get the urge to DO something. But I’m learning that just being is perhaps the most fruitful thing I’ve ever done. Underneath the icky stuff that sometimes gets brought up when I stand still long enough, being always leads me back to myself and to reality. It is necessary for centering, and makes me wonder how I can integrate even something like productivity into presence even more in my life.

jordin pic Bio: Jordin Kelly is proof you’re not the only weirdo spinning around this ball of blue. Don’t believe it? All the proof you need is on her blog at ourweirdlives.com. There she shares her most embarrassing moments and other stories tailored around one thing: helping you feel less weird and alone. Do yourself a favor and check it out here.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/weirdlivesblog/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/weirdlivesblog

*Photo by Andi Rieger on Unsplash

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

Posted on December 10, 2018December 8, 2018 by melissakircher

“He who masters the power formed by a group of people working together has within his grasp one of the greatest powers known to man.”
― idowu koyenikan, All You Need Is a Ball: What Soccer Teaches Us about Success in Life and Business

Happy Monday everyone! Today, I’m excited to have someone from my hometown of Ellicott City, MD on the blog. It’s a crazy coincidence because we don’t know each other! Tim Brooks is a pastor, coach, and writer… and an Enneagram Type Three.

You will notice that the questions for each Type in the next month or two of interviews are the same. I’ve done this on purpose. In having different people of the same Type answer the same questions, we get to see and understand more deeply the similar motivations, thought patterns, and behavior. But, it also exposes so many nuanced deviations—because we’re humans and we can’t be put in boxes! The Enneagram is a useful tool, but it’s only a tool. We’re unique people with individualized experiences and to really grasp The Enneagram’s potential for personal growth, it’s so helpful to hear from as many diverse perspectives as possible! This blog is a brave space open to all beliefs or non-beliefs, all genders, and orientations.

Welcome, Tim! I’m so glad to have you here. Thank you for your willingness to share.

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I struggle to understand how people even view life differently than this! My wife once told me that she didn’t have goals of grandeur, that a simple life would make her happy, and I wasn’t sure even how to be married to that (I have come around, it was a short crisis). I’m hyper-competitive and still unsure if that is a result of being a Type Three, or if it feeds my Three-ness. But I do have an insatiable need to win, making competitions out of the most mundane tasks (how fast I can get in and out of a grocery store, beating the caravan back from a staff lunch, guiding my daughter’s soccer teams to victory, etc.)

If I’m feeling unchallenged, I tend to think I’m wasting time. I then add a new side-project, join a new committee or board, or even change jobs. Mastery equals monotony very quickly for me, whereas many of my friends feel accomplished by mastery, I feel boredom.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

Emotions don’t play a huge role in my life, so I think heart is cut out of the equation. I’m suspicious of emotions as liars because it’s so easy to use them to manipulate and to be manipulated. As such, my authentic feelings are always at war with my rational thoughts. I bounce between the two. There are times that I have a gut sense of what needs to be done that seems overwhelmed by rational thought. But I have a deep confidence that I can beat the odds, and doing what my gut tells me to do is possible. I tend to be willing to bet on myself, and that pays off more often than it doesn’t. But when it doesn’t pay off, there tend to be catastrophic consequences.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

When I’m stressed and go Type Nine, people don’t know what to do with me. I am usually a reliable leader (especially in my family), and when I go full “leave me alone, I’m playing video games, and I’m in my own little world,” it creates a void in the systems I usually cultivate, and I think people feel my stress.

My wife is a Six, and she drives me nuts in the normal marriage way. Think 3/6 marriage! I always want to break ceilings and accomplish something new, and man is she afraid of new! If she was writing this, she could tell you all about how I drive her crazy as well. But when I go to a Type Six in health, I suspect I’m more governed by the rational part of me: planning, articulating, weighing risk, being practical. My wife loves it when I live there.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

Yeah, in some ways it’s exhausting, trying, as the Apostle Paul put it, “to be all things to all people.” As a pastor, I feel this tension most acutely when I move from younger people to older people. Older folks want a formal, less flawed, articulate pastor who spends time with them. Younger folks want a flawed, fun, relatable character who practices being “real.”

When it comes to politics, I often find myself as a centrist because I am able to hear people from left and right of the political center and really understand their arguments, motivations, and dreams. Rather than not having convictions—as the center is often accused of—my problem is more being able to sympathize with those who are articulating their point at the moment. I really can see both sides of an argument very clearly.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

That we are not “liars” and we are not “fake.” That our ambition is not about thinking we are better than anyone else either. So often, especially when Threes are healthy, our ambition is about elevating all of us: our communities, our churches, our friends, our teams, etc.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I guess I could be a Two Wing. But really, I think I’m more of a full Three. My job as a pastor seems to cultivate the Two Wing… I have to care about people a lot. But, honestly, it takes a ton of energy for me.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Yeah, I know that is deeply true, but I am not sure how it is true—I just know that it is. I don’t know yet how to tell the story of who I am without listing accomplishments.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Spirituality must be corporate for it to work for me. Meditation, personal devotions, etc. quickly turn into my mind wandering, processing all I have to do. But joining with others in prayer, study, book club, worship, conversation, etc. always centers me.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

I’m not good with my own feelings, but I think I am good at helping other people with their feelings. I suppress my emotions – not that I wrestle with them often. I mentioned this earlier, but feelings, which I acknowledge are legitimate, are so easily distorted.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity: My wife hates reading about my Enneagram Type because all she sees is “fake.” I think the chameleon piece is our authentic self… because we aren’t simply what we are solely for self-preservation, but also because we need to be what you need us to be… and we can switch that on easily. If we were all accomplishment, all achievement without being able to be the person you need us to be, we would be aloof. Maybe we still are, but I think moments where we can be what you need, allows for all of us to appreciate each other.

Be: Man, this word is difficult. To be feels so stagnant. I am way more interested in what I want to become.

Pain: I know pain. I know it in many degrees from many moments. Pain makes me better. It makes me want to rise above it. It makes me want to create systems to avoid it. It cultivates empathy within me for others that I can draw on.

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Tim Brooks is the lead pastor at Crossroads Church of the Nazarene in Ellicott City, MD. He is the husband to Charryse, father to Mackenzie (10) and Claire (8). Tim coaches softball, basketball, and soccer. He is an editor for Preacher’s Magazine, a writer for The Community blog, and a contracted author for The Foundry Publishing. He has an earned doctorate from Nazarene Theological Seminary where he studies the overlapping agendas and formational power of pop culture and religious worship.

www.crossroadsnaz.org

http://www.thefoundrycommunity.com/

www.preachersmagazine.org

Twitter: @pastortimbrooks

Type 3: Interview with Drew Moser

Posted on December 7, 2018December 5, 2018 by melissakircher

When I started this blog I figured it’d be a chill, fun way to offload some of my Type Five constant brain activity! I love the Enneagram and am super enthusiastic about the ways in which it leads us down paths of growth and change. I’ll still be doing nerdy, information posts, I promise! But… it’s been an amazing life/blog twist to begin to interview people. I’ve found you all are SO interesting. I’m excited to be able to provide a place for people to share about their Type and lives—a meeting spot where we can learn from each other about the Enneagram. Thank you to the 30+ people who responded to this last open call, and I can’t wait to hear about your unique life experiences. -Melissa

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

Today I’d like to welcome Dr. Drew Moser, an author, dean, professor, and an Enneagram Type Three. So happy to have you! Let’s get into it.

Life as a Type Three:

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I’m always prone to viewing life as one big “to-do” list. At times, it’s been to my advantage. It allows me to live a life motivated and inspired. It fueled my graduate work while having a young, large family (my wife and I have five kids). It’s fueled my writing while also working full time. That said, it’s hard for me as a Three to turn off, slow down, and be present in the moment. Without intentional work, practice, and effort, I easily look to what’s next and miss the beauty of what’s in the here and now.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

I deeply resonate with Hurley and Donson’s work on the intelligence centers of the Enneagram, specifically within stances (Hornevian Groups). Their work has helped me understand an often confusing element of Threes. Firmly planted in the Heart Triad with Twos and Fours, Threes are paradoxically quite detached from their emotional center. We tend to start with the Heart Center, but quickly detach from it—or misuse it—and let the gut and head take over. Here’s how this looks practically: I can enter a room with a group of people and fairly quickly (and accurately) read the room. I can generally tell emotional states, social standing, etc. Instead of letting that knowledge turn to empathy, which would be a proper use of our heart center, I let it turn to strategy (head and gut). Thinking and doing crowd out the heart. I’m working more intentionally to allow my Heart Center to play a more authentic role in my decision making. There’s a wisdom to the emotional space within us, and I have to work very intentionally to cultivate it.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

When I’m stressed and not handling it well, I find myself in the space of an unhealthy stereotype of Type Nine. My decisiveness wanes, my normal drive to achieve disappears, and I procrastinate. I struggle to do the very thing that needs to be done, often busying myself with other less important tasks. I then tend to withdraw from my relationships as an escape rather than rest.

When I’m flourishing, I see myself embodying much of what is so great about Type Six. I’m employing my skills and talents for the sake of the people I care about. I’m actively engaged in my relationships, looking to them for support and guidance (not natural for a Three), and my relationships are more authentic and less strategic.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

When I was younger, my chameleon-like tendencies were more pronounced. My ability and willingness to shapeshift to maintain image and status was very evident. The Enneagram has truly helped me recognize that left unchecked, I’m prone to fake it until I fake myself. As a Three, I’m still good at adapting to a room, but I’m trying to do this mindfully and more appropriately. Having a more authentic and clear sense of who I am has been very helpful.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

Beneath the striving and the image-consciousness is a deep desire for value and worth. Threes, at the core, want to be loved for who they are, not what they do. But, we too often settle for achieving to impress. The thought of being ourselves without our accomplishments is scary for Threes . . . but also liberating.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I honestly don’t strongly identify with a Two or Four Wing. If I had to choose, my career has been marked by a strong helping bent (I’m in education, after all), so I think I’ve employed my 2w more. I like the notion that we can reach to our Wings for growth, and the thought of developing a strong 4w is intriguing: creativity, uniqueness, deeper emotional presence, etc.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Gah! This really is everything for a Three. As I seek to live in this truth, I’m more aware of the people in my life who believe this to be true about me. Also, I’m more likely to steward my achieving tendencies toward things that are more authentic, pure, and void of common strategic angles.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Any spiritual practice that slows me down and the only expectation is to simply “be” is helpful. I’ve found centering prayer and imaginative reading practices such as lectio divinato to be good. I also find writing to be really beneficial. It narrows my focus, paces me down from my frenetic tendencies.

Additionally, I’ve incorporated some “ordinary practices” that become more sacred spaces for me. A year ago I purchased a record player. Listening to vinyl keeps me in the room, and the music becomes more about presence than it is for background noise. Also, I recently acquired a used, but broken hot tub. I fixed it up, and it’s now an important rhythm for me to slow down, quiet my mind and body, and just be. Such slow, reflective spaces are silly but profound.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

They show up most prominently through the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, my five children, and my closest friends. Through some previous trials and tragedies in our family, I’ve been able to be more honest with my feelings. As a Three, I’ll always have a tendency to suppress my emotional center. But life has a way of exposing this. It’s hard, but a good lesson to learn.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity – I think my younger self would’ve looked to others I admired for cues on how to be “authentic”. Now I know it’s within. Tending to my inner world is so important.

Be – The journey of growth for a Three (I can attest to this) is learning that we are human beings, not human doings. Learning to just “be” requires true presence void of the need for others to be impressed by what you do.

Pain – As a Type Three, my tendency is to avoid pain or dismiss it. Pain slows us down. But, I’ve learned that pain is a powerful teacher. It excavates the best and worst of us. Also, the pain-free life is an illusion, so we might as well steward our pain well.

Dr. Drew Moser is a writer, speaker, and consultant on vocation, the Enneagram, Millennials, and GenZ. He is a dean and professor at Taylor University (IN), and is the coauthor of Ready or Not: Leaning into Life in Our Twenties. He lives with his wife and five kids in Upland, Indiana.

Website: www.drewmoser.com

Instagram: @drewmoser

Twitter: @drewmoser