The funny thing about the Enneagram health/aware/integration arrows is that we can’t force the move. It simply happens with a combination of inner work + natural wiring + intention + flow. We never quite figure out the formula. I’m a nerdy Enneagram Type Five, and even I use words like unexplainable and magical to describe the health arrow move!
Integration to your health number (or type) provides you with new energy, new awareness, and expansive options. How do you want to move forward in a different way? What got you here, and how do you feel? What do you see in a new light? What do you sense is right? How must things change? What will enliven and enrich your life?
Use your answers to accept the gifts of your health arrow – they almost always lead to expansion, healing, joy, and a revitalized relationship with yourself!
As you read through these, remember that they are a list of high-side attributes you go to in your health arrow. They are the best of that type. These are all qualities to help you notice when you’re in alignment.
Type 1 – To – Type 7
I find life fun and enjoyable. My mind expands, and I accept new ideas. Pleasure becomes a healthy priority. I embrace spontaneous adventures. My thinking becomes much more gray. I make decisions that resonate and feel good in my mind, body, and heart.
Type 2 – To – Type 4
My inner world is known to me. I take self-important risks and reap the rewards of trying new things. I can say no with confidence. I grant all my emotions equal importance. I learn how to love being with myself. My mind is filled with exciting ideas.
Type 3 – To – Type 6
I know and trust my own voice and authentic opinions. Loyalty takes the place of competition. I bravely communicate and share my heart. I learn to take careful, considered action. I am genuinely emotive, warm, and loving. I work cooperatively with others.
Type 4 – To – Type 1
I know what needs to be done. I find congruence in many areas of my life. I think objectively and with precision. My gut intuition is strong and trustworthy. My emotions and actions become aligned. I create new realities every day.
Type 5 – To – Type 8
My mind finds pockets of quiet. I move into the world with power an ease. I am aware of desire and act on it. My body speaks to me, and I listen to it. I relish life with robust energy. I accomplish goals with great success.
Type 6 – To – Type 9
All is well and will be well. I attract people who support and love me. I trust in the goodness of the universe. My body is on my side. My intuition is strong and leads me well. I relax, let go, and allow life to unfold.
Type 7 – To – Type 5
I focus and get so very much done. I find great delight in the mundane. The moments I inhabit are satisfying. My body is here, singing with life. I accept stillness and all it holds. My mind is my rational ally.
Type 8 – To – Type 2
I see others as worthy equals. My soft heart is shown to a chosen few. I embrace risk as part of being loved. My protection of others is boundaried. I accept my own humanity. My inner child feels safe to play.
Type 9 – To – Type 3
I know I am loved, worthy, and special. My goals become actions that are achieved. I take a stand on vital issues. My wants and needs become known to me. I see myself as someone of importance. My heart guides me, showing me the way.
Welcome back to this three-part grief and Enneagram series. To summarize why this series is so important let’s revisit an excerpt from the last post:
“Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward. Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.
This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.”
Today, I want to unpack three more type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.
Type Four
Type Fours are known for being comfortable with melancholy and conflicting emotions and are often wonderful people for grievers to speak with when their own hearts cannot figure out how to survive a heavy loss.
Fours believe they are fundamentally different, which, in grief, can also lead them to spiral down a road of overthinking. They try to sort their emotions into a grief identity that makes sense yet remains unique.
But what we don’t often see in Type Fours is the propensity for forward motion. Grief is not about learning to move on; it’s about integrating our losses into our identity in a way that allows us to become more nuanced, intentional, and whole. There is no one more adept at adjusting to big, heavy emotions in an integrative way than Fours.
When they live in their heart center, Fours become witty, clever, insightful, and clear-minded. They work through grief productively, thinking intentionally rather than in a circular way. As a result, Fours begin to spiral upward with high energy and healing for themselves and others.
Type Five
Type Fives are full of wisdom, depth, and intelligence. They look for depth with each question, perfectly delighted to chase ideas down whatever obscure path they find. Because Fives are typically introspective and thoughtful, we assume that grief is something they’ve sorted out. Perhaps Fives have learned how to detach from the pain and therefore experience no grief at all?
Not true. What really happens for a grieving Type Five is that their mental wheels spin faster than ever. You may perceive them as cold and calculated, yet Fives are truly empathetic, deeply attuned people. They search for answers to relieve suffering or lack, but that’s not something available in grief. Not truly.
When Fives are able to become embodied – really connecting to the center of who they are – they will find strength outside of knowledge. Type Fives who allow themselves to take action toward reintegration of their whole selves become authoritative, confident, and compassionate to others and themselves.
Once Type Fives accept a thoughtful path toward healing for themselves, they will become the leaders you always suspected they could become. Their emotional side will surface with intention and grounding, leading others to heal, as well.
Type Six
Type Sixes aren’t strangers to thinking about grief – in fact, Sixes are hyper-aware of potential grief events and do all they can to minimize possible loss before it happens. Once introduced to their story, grief drives secure, steady Sixes into overdrive for resolution.
Then, natural cynicism surfaces, affirming their belief that all things are inherently untrustworthy. This draws Type Sixes further away from integration, where they would experience a settled spirit and an understanding of their secure place in the world, even when threatened by grief.
However, when Sixes embrace grief as truth, they gain new insight about the facts of their life circumstances. They acknowledge their lack of control in loss and recognize the grief in their life is not the end of the story. As they begin healing, their lighthearted, confident nature emerges.
Grief changes Sixes for the better, so long as they process their experiences as survivable. Not in a “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” platitude way, but through gaining soul-deep, inherent wisdom about the nature of life and loss.
Type Sixes long to express their free-spirited, lighthearted, fun side. When grief doesn’t destroy them, Sixes learn they can find a way to trust others and survive the most intimidating pain because life is so much richer than navigating around fear.
Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.
Good morning Enneagram Paths friends! I hope you are safe and well. I’m sending out love, presence, and light to all of you today.
We have two amazing people, and Type Sixes, in the house! Ruth Nathaniel and Julianne Gibson have graciously allowed me to interview them and ask what it’s like to be a Type Six. Their answers put me in the mind, body, and emotions of a Six and are so helpful. It’s wonderful to hear from all different kinds people about how the Enneagram is impacting their lives. Thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
Ruth Nathaniel
1. What has it been like being a Type Six during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?
As a Type Six, this season of life has been tough, but pulled out the greatest shades of courage I could muster. I practiced radical acceptance as we postponed our wedding not once but twice (fingers crossed for 2022!), trekked through the nerve-wracking green card process and its limitations (including not working for a whole year), as well as trusting the scientific community to pull through with a viable vaccine to help curb the pandemic since so many of my loved ones are immunocompromised and abroad. Deep down I knew I had all of the tools to ground myself when I felt anxious, depressed, or lonely. The real challenge was to actually do it! Some of these tools were creating art, staying physically active, scheduling FaceTime calls with my friends in Canada, and giving myself permission to simply rest when I needed to.
2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Six?
Over the last few years, especially since learning more about my type and growing towards health, I’ve wrestled with my silence and lack of boundaries in relationships with authority figures. There was a time when I would’ve completely crumbled at the thought of “disrupting” the flow of these relationships or calling out abusive behavior, even when I was being mistreated. However, I’ve been empowered by my ability to look within for assurance in my decision making and judgement, and not to others. As a Six I have a strong voice and now use it to speak truth to power. Furthermore, when you’ve had traumatic experiences with important figures in your life, it can negatively affect how you view other people too. As a Type Six, I need not resort to pessimism and suspicion, but can actually trust the people around me since I possess an abundance of good faith AND know there is an abundance of good humans to call my friends.
3. Tell us about fear or doubt. How do you engage with fear/doubt and calm it so that you feel internal peace and trust in yourself?
Fear and doubt are familiar voices in my head, as such I’ve focused less on silencing them and more on speaking to them in the moments they show up. My fear and doubts can be justified (through some train of logic) almost all the time but realistically they have the most power when I keep them inside and let them cast larger than life shadows in my mind. I’ve found that naming my fear or doubt aloud strips them of some of their power and ambiguity, and makes space for alternative perspectives to be introduced. I like to remind myself of decisions I’ve made that yielded less than ideal outcomes, and how all of those choices still led me to a life I love and people I adore.
4. How do you use your Stress Arrow to Type Three to help you these days? Are there any tips you’d give other Sixes about choosing some of the high-side traits of Three to be of service to you in stress?
One of the most impactful perspectives about the stress arrow is that it is merely a weak coping mechanism to get us through a difficult time. The inclination to be overly competitive or achievement based is a feature of my personality in stress and does not reflect my personhood or essence. As a child, affirmation was only given in response to achievement. I performed to be loved. It was such a literal conditioning that my parents’ house is full of displays of ribbons and trophies from my youth. As such, it’s easy to be highly irritated by Type Threes when you associate some of their traits with your own trauma and stress, so I’d encourage Type Sixes to do life with a Type Three. This friendship will not only teach you how to be empathetic and open-minded when they are not at their best, but also foster grace for yourself when you exhibit similar features from time to time or lean on your old personality crutches. I have a few healthy Type Threes in my inner circle who illuminate the positive side of those much needed traits, and help me see that self-assuredness and decisive action can be harnessed for good and not to simply position myself when I am insecure or seeking love.
5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?
I am dominantly a self-preservation subtype, surely gleaning from the other subtypes from time to time. This instinct is most present in my approach to feeling and communicating my anger. As a child, I felt that if someone was angry then their love was conditional, and receiving their love was based on how little I could anger them. As an adult, I had to reckon with that conditioning and examine why safely communicating anger is actually important and can be a loving thing to do. I’ve learned that my anger signals when something hits close to the heart and acknowledging my own defensiveness is helpful to both me and the people I communicate it to. Anger does not make me less lovable, it clarifies my values and can actually increase the stability and safety in relationships when used appropriately. At my best, this looks like communicating when I am upset in a clear, confident manner without bottling things up or lashing out.
6. From the perspective of a Type Six, how can we best support each other during these difficult times?
A deep breath can change everything. When you are feeling overwhelmed by something you’ve read, heard, or witnessed, take a moment to ground yourself in the present. Sometimes all it takes is closing your eyes and taking a few conscious breaths. Other times, when tensions are high, and it’s easiest to lash out (especially behind a computer screen), consider writing down how you feel in a notebook and decide if it’s actually how you want to represent yourself and your perspective online before publishing it. A little grace goes a long way, and while hardship exists everywhere at all times, this past year and a half has perhaps opened our eyes to the sheer vulnerability and insecurity so many people experience. When we are tempted to compare suffering, I would encourage us all to approach our interactions from a place of abundance. Compassion, kindness, and a listening ear cost us very little and go so far.
Ruth Nathaniel is a licensed psychotherapist who sees clients in Chicago and Denver. She is Tamil-Canadian and the daughter of immigrants. You can usually find her laughing at niche memes and tweets, painting, trying a new recipe, or working up a sweat. You can read more about Ruth’s approach to therapy at https://optimumjoy.com/ruth-nathaniel/ and follow her on Twitter at @ruthsnathaniel
1. What has it been like being a Type Six during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?
It was difficult to be a scientist during this time. I work in the wilderness, and I could not access the wilderness – my research was literally shut down. It was hard having the thing I’ve dedicated my life to taken from me. It was also hard not being able to collaborate with my colleagues in person anymore. It really took the joy out of science for me for quite a while. I coped largely by taking it easier on myself, taking the lesser grade, accepting that my field research would have less data and a shorter time frame. I think I had a harder time being separated from colleagues than I did my friends, but my best friend is a colleague so I’m sure that’s why. I Zoomed with her quite often, and that helped a lot. She and I really supported each other in our scientific expenditures during that period.
In terms of non-scientific matters, I can’t say that I coped. I had family issues, relationship issues, body issues, everything. I think at the time I just kept telling myself to take it day by day and that everything would be okay. I took every problem one problem at a time and tried to communicate as best as I could with my partner. Also, I had weekly virtual therapy with my therapist, and she helped me feel hope.
2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Six?
I like how brave I am. I genuinely believe I am more courageous than most because I must face legitimate fears on a more consistent basis. As a result of this, I appreciate that I know how I will handle fear and doubt when in bad situations. Unfortunately, some awful things have happened and my significant other really did not cope well, he shut down emotionally. I took control in that situation and stepped up to the plate. I like that I know that if I am out conducting research with a group and we get lost in the wilderness, I know that regardless of how scared I am, I will put it aside in the moment. I would say as an extension of this that I like how quickly I can imagine all of the possibilities as it is really a wonderful trait for my career as well as for everyday life.
3. Tell us about fear or doubt. How do you engage with fear/doubt and calm it so that you feel internal peace and trust in yourself?
It’s funny because I was pretty unaware of my issues with fear prior to finding out about my type three years ago. I’d been in weekly therapy for several years prior to that and I’ve had anxiety for as long as I could remember. However, I always viewed myself as a brave person – which I am, but I had not identified that many of the issues I dealt with were fear-based. Now that I recognize that, I have developed some coping skills and generally I focus on mindfulness. Primarily, I find that doing helps the most. I can really convince myself that I am not capable of things when I think, and I can support it with many experiences and feelings. However, often, when I go out and do that thing, I am completely fine. One example of this is scuba diving. I was so terrified the entire lead up to my first time scuba diving, but when I finally did it, I was fine. Additionally, I think that the more that I push myself to simply take the jump and do things, whether it’s an activity or making a choice, I build more trust in myself and create more memories of myself being successful. Sometimes I can’t go right out and do something though – such as with the Europe trip that my best friend and I are planning. I have so many fears – what if we fight and are never friends again? What if I can’t sleep in the hostels considering my bad sleep issues? What if someone steals from us? What if we get hurt? I cope with these fears by acknowledging that they are possible, and doing my best to prepare for them, but that I can’t not do things based upon my fear. I think in truth that is my greatest fear – to not do all of the things I have dreamed of doing my entire life out of fear. One last note I will mention on the topic of fear is that I’ve learned the worst time for fear for me is at night. I think this is the worst time for many people but for me, it is a very fear-based time. As a result, I practice a lot of thought-stopping prior to falling asleep and I generally refuse to allow myself to think about these things, once I notice consciously that I’m thinking about it because it is unproductive.
4. How do you use your Stress Arrow to Type Three to help you these days? Are there any tips you’d give other Sixes about choosing some of the high-side traits of Three to be of service to you in stress?
Ha, so I’m a scientist and I’m not going to lie – I love my three disintegration. I will let myself completely fall apart trying to get an A or set up the perfect research study (or etc.) before I will allow myself to accept being unsuccessful. Also, I’m wonderful at being a chameleon when networking with other scientists and I know how to present myself to them in the way they want. All I can say to other sixes is that if you are going to use your stress arrow, do it for something that is good for you in the grand scheme. I am okay using that stress arrow for my career because my career is the thing that I want the most in life.
5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?
I am a sexual subtype and I feel that it’s obvious when you learn what a sexual Six. I cope with my fear by trying to be the smartest, strongest, and prettiest in the room. It shows the most when I’m stressed, and it can be extremely toxic. I love weightlifting and athletics, I’ve played sports all my life, but as a woman who grew up in the digital age, I have body issues. I’m also in a healthy relationship so I have some extra love pounds. As a result, I notice that I suddenly become extremely hateful of my body when I am stressed. Similarly, when it comes time to find a new research position or join a new lab, I often become far more stressed about being the smartest than I typically am. Overall, I think my sexual subtype coupled with three disintegration makes for a nasty breed of perfectionism that I spend a lot of time in therapy coping with.
6. From the perspective of a Type Six, how can we best support each other during these difficult times?
For me, it’s listening. I don’t need you to really tell me advice – I’ve already thought of every possibility before I ever came to you. However, sometimes, I don’t have the strength to convince myself that my doubt is just doubt. As a result, having you listen and confirm what I am thinking can be helpful in times where I am too weak to do the self-work to do that for myself. Additionally, I think that more gentle criticisms can be beneficial in hard times.
Julianne Gibson is a scientist who studies wildlife ecology and conservation. I specialize, or rather am trying to specialize, in spatial ecology so I look at ecosystems on a large scale to look for patterns and processes, and I do a lot of coding and mapping to support this work, as well as your general wildlife scientist fieldwork. I am 23 years old so I am still very early into my career, and I would like to get a PhD so that I can be a professor one day. I have been in a long-distance relationship for three years with a nerdy yet extremely adventurous chemist. I am proudly bisexual, though I have not always been so proud in the past. I live in Florida, but I am from Texas. In my free time, I love all the hobbies! Cooking and baking, crafting, games, kayaking, hiking, television, consuming good food and drinks, all the things! I have one dog, a small black lab mutt, who is my world. On the internet, you can find me as @radredecology on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have interviews with Lindsay O’Connor and Becca Briggs who are going to share their experiences as Enneagram Type Sixes.
Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Six by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself.
Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Loyalty’ to summarize Type Sixes. Of Sixes, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in 6 nature is the energy of loyalty. What 6 nature seeks and is motivated by is guarantees. [Their] primary style of engagement is thought. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in concrete and promised. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by unpredictability or insecurity. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as anxiety. The primary and practical application for 6 nature is to breathe and practice silence. The healthy 6 nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for courage.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 59)
Thank you, Lindsay and Becca, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as Six!
Lindsay O’Connor
1. What has it been like being a Type Six during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?
In some ways, I think being a Six has made the pandemic more bearable because I’m used to worrying and planning for the worst-case scenario. Part of me has felt like, at least for the first few months when everything was shut down, the rest of the world was finally catching up to the anxiety, planning, and concern for safety that I always carry. I often feel invalidated in my anxiety, so in an odd way, having the whole world prioritize safety was validating. The more control I felt I had over the situation, the more settled and safe I felt, so when my husband, children, and I were all able to be at home, I felt reasonably safe. However, I am an introvert and have a pretty sizable 5 wing, so one of the greatest challenges during the pandemic has been the lack of alone time. I’ve had difficulty finding space to decompress and feel my own feelings without worrying about how they are impacting family members.
One of my greatest needs is for certainty, which has been very difficult during this odd in-between time when everything keeps changing. Because I cope with anxiety through planning, I’ve struggled with not being able to plan very far in advance as so many things have been subject to change in this phase of the pandemic. I’ve had to learn to hold things loosely and to create my own routines (for myself and for our children) in order to feel some sense of security and control. Structure helps settle my anxiety because it allows me a small degree of predictability when so many things are out of my control.
As a rule-follower who looks to authority figures to offer a sense of guidance and safety, I’ve struggled with the lack of unity and consistent messaging from those in authority (in the government, healthcare, etc.). Deep down, I believe that rules for the common good keep us safe, so it has been frustrating to see everyone disagreeing about the best ways to protect ourselves and others during the pandemic.
2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Six?
My favorite thing about being a Type Six is our concern for and commitment to the common good. I generally want, can envision, and am committed to working toward whatever is most beneficial for everyone, including and especially people whose perspectives have often been ignored, dismissed, or invalidated. I believe in the importance of working toward a group consensus and everyone having agency to be involved in the decisions that affect them.
3. Tell us about fear or doubt. How do you engage with fear/doubt and calm it so that you feel internal peace and trust in yourself?
The first and most basic step for me in engaging and calming fear and doubt has been increased awareness. Enneagram work has taught me to practice non-judgmental self-observation. In the past, I had attached a lot of shame to my anxiety (in general but especially pertaining to postpartum depression and anxiety disorder), so for several years, I’ve been working on becoming more shame-resilient and developing self-compassion. This has helped me to have healthier self-talk. When I recognize fear creeping in, I try to talk myself through it with kindness. When I start second-guessing a decision I made, I remind myself of all the things I did to make the best decision I could. I’m working on really believing that making a decision and then changing my mind doesn’t mean it was a bad decision or that I should not have trusted myself; it simply means that at any given moment, I am making the best decision I can with the information that is available to me.
I use some regular practices and routines to lower my baseline of anxiety as well as tools and mantras that I use in the moment when anxiety is ramped up. Therapy, spiritual direction, Enneagram work, and contemplative practices have helped immensely over time as sort of preventative measures or “maintenance.” Contemplative prayer has been especially beneficial in quieting my mind and getting in touch with my inner knowing, which acts as an anchor I can return to when I get caught up in the stress of daily life. Being outside and moving my body (usually with walks or yoga) helps me integrate my body, mind, and heart. As a head/thinking type, I’m working on reconnecting with my body as a way to get in touch with my real feelings.
I love to write and have found that it allows me to process what I’m thinking. I try to notice when I’m overly concerned with checking in with others for validation instead of trusting my own inner knowing. When I’m feeling especially anxious, I often turn to my body and try to discover what it needs (water, movement, rest, etc.). Viewing my anxiety as something that I carry and can befriend instead of something I need to get rid of has allowed me to see myself as a whole person and not to over-identify with it. When I’m struggling, a mantra that I use is, “You won’t feel this way forever.” Uncomfortable feelings are like waves, and it helps to remember that if I ride them out, they will pass.
4. How do you use your Stress Arrow to Type Three to help you these days? Are there any tips you’d give other Sixes about choosing some of the high-side traits of Three to be of service to you in stress?
The energy I tap into from my stress move to Three is very helpful when I’m feeling paralyzed by fear (on the low/unhealthy side of 6). When the move happens, I often notice that I’m able to set the fear aside and focus on taking the next step, and then the next, in order to keep moving and accomplishing. I get a burst of energy with this move and accomplish a lot. It also increases my confidence, which often shows up when I am teaching or leading a group in some capacity. Those are some of the gifts of the move to Three. However, we (Sixes) need to be aware of when we are too dismissive of others’ feelings in this space, prioritizing tasks over people/relationships, and we need to make time to circle back to our own feelings after we have set them down for a while.
5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?
I identify the most with the self-preservation subtype. I’ve heard it described as the “warm” subtype (compared to social, which is cool, and sexual, which is hot). For Sixes, this means we are family-oriented, warm, and disarming. All Sixes deal with anxiety and a need for safety, and my subtype means that often the method I use to feel safe is to be warm and disarming towards other people. I think this (subconsciously) is a way that I try to endear myself to others in order to build a strong support system. My disarming behaviors look like avoidance of conflict, being (sometimes overly) accommodating of others, and moving towards others to fulfill their needs.
My subtype also means that most of my anxiety is around health and safety for myself and the people for whom I am responsible. All Sixes are concerned with being responsible and fulfilling duty, and as a self-preserving type, this is focused on practical, daily responsibilities involved in keeping my family and myself healthy and safe. I’m (sometimes overly) focused and intentional with practical physical needs like meal planning, keeping up with doctor appointments, paying bills, etc.
6. From the perspective of a Type Six, how can we best support each other during these difficult times?
I believe that we can love and support others best when we feel healthy, whole, and loved ourselves. As I have worked on developing deeper self-compassion, I’ve noticed that I am more resilient and secure in my identity so I am in a healthier place to be present to the suffering of others. We can support one another by checking in, especially with people who might easily fall through the cracks, and listening and being present to people’s pain without trying to fix it. We can learn to recognize and own the privileges from which we have benefitted and make intentional efforts to listen to and follow the lead of those who have been marginalized in various parts of their identities. As we listen and develop relationships with people who have had different life experiences than we have, we can begin to see concrete ways to stand in solidarity with people who are suffering. For me as a Six, the support I often need and therefore the support I usually give involves listening to and validating people’s experiences without judging them. When we validate each other’s struggles, we can then find common ground where we can connect and work together to make the world a more just and compassionate place.
Lindsay O’Connor has been working with the Enneagram for about five years and is on staff part-time at Life in the Trinity Ministry, which was founded by Enneagram Teacher Suzanne Stabile and Reverend Joseph Stabile. Her favorite job is being mama to her two daughters. She is a writer, reader, former teacher, and most recently, a seminary student. Lindsay is passionate about cultivating spaces and conversations for healing, reconciliation, and flourishing in relationship with God, others, and self. She can usually be found with her nose in a book.
1. What has it been like being a Type Six during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?
I will admit, the beginning months of Covid were TERRIFYING for me. I couldn’t even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack and felt like I needed to take every precaution necessary. I wouldn’t say it’s been an easy time, but once I quit focusing on the uncertainty and lack of control of everything happening around me, the change of pace and increase in introspection has been extremely beneficial. For years I was in a go-go-go mode, working constantly and extremely stressed on a daily basis. Being able to slow down and figure out what I TRULY want has given me the space and resources to live a simpler, more intuitively guided life instead of reacting to everything around me. I have coped by spending lots of time in nature, learning and starting my own business, and strengthening the relationships with the people closest to me. Having the mental/emotional support of my boyfriend, friends, and mom has honestly made the world of difference in how my quarantine experience played out.
2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Six?
Two things stand out the most. The first, although somewhat stereotypical, is the amount of loyalty given. Although at times it’s maybe caused more harm than good, I do take pride in my level of commitment. It’s hard to find people who truly put their dedication into relationships, jobs, projects, experiences, etc. and I would rather put my full heart and soul in than be half-in and half-out. Secondly, I like being such a deep thinker. As long as I’m not TOO caught up in my head, I actually do enjoy seeing many perspectives, putting puzzle pieces together, finding solutions, and the mental planning and organizing that occurs. I feel like I notice things others don’t, making this a valuable and appreciative skill.
3. Tell us about fear or doubt. How do you engage with fear/doubt and calm it so that you feel internal peace and trust in yourself?
Fear and Doubt feel like the Angel/Devil figures that sit on my shoulders, giving advice and guidance, except both of them can cause a chaotic mental spiral if I’m not careful. This has been a main area of growth for me in my personal development, and I’d be lying if I said they still don’t present themselves to me on a daily basis. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to find the balance in embracing them for what they are, instead of trying to repress or ignore them, yet not allowing them to control me or my life. Ultimately both fear and doubt are there to protect me, so I honor them as such, but know that just because they’re trying to help doesn’t mean that I NEED their help. They’re merely friends trying to give me suggestions for what to do. I take it into account, but at the end of the day, I make my OWN decision. A life hindered by fear and doubt isn’t a life lived at all, and more often than not pushing past our fears and doubts leads to the most AMAZING experiences that make it all worth it.
4. How do you use your Stress Arrow to Type Three to help you these days? Are there any tips you’d give other Sixes about choosing some of the high-side traits of Three to be of service to you in stress?
This is something I’ve been utilizing recently. I used to ONLY use it as a way to keep myself busy and distract myself from my worries and thoughts. But I’ve found that using it in an intentional and helpful way can actually be extremely beneficial. I either focus on projects that I can easily complete, especially if they’re collaborative or in a way that helps others, or do some strategic planning for myself; personal/professional goal planning, task management, scheduling, etc. – something to get me out of my head and into healthy productive action. The biggest tip I can give to other Six types is to make sure that the actions you take are intentional. Don’t just work to work. Don’t overload yourself just to prove something. Don’t get competitive to test yourself or others. It’s ultimately like a drug, that you never feel better after once you’ve “sobered up”, and trust me I spent YEARS chasing the “high” of overexerting myself. Instead, take healthy actions. Stay “busy” in ways that matter instead of distract. “Compete” with yourself by reaching goals for what you want. You don’t have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else, it feels so much better to stay focused on and true to you and your big-picture vision.
5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?
My instinct is Self-Preservation, and it shows up in a variety of ways. Firstly, I look to an authority figure in my life. I like knowing I have someone there, helping support and protect me, and letting me know if they see any red flags in any decisions I consider risky. Although I’m currently working on not relying on outside validation as much, it’s nice to have it as a tool to ease my doubts. I’m also someone who prioritizes my physical/mental wellbeing. For example, in the past, I wasn’t able to date or pursue relationships until I had my work/financial/health/living situations figured out, because those took up most (if not all) of my mental capacity. In spending time with friends, if I don’t feel safe/comfortable (physically or emotionally), become too hungry or tired, or get too socially drained (as an introvert) I either won’t go or will leave immediately if I’m already there, and if I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I tend to go off the radar until I feel in a good-enough state to talk to people again. None of this is meant to be rude or uncaring to others, it’s simply a survival thing. Lastly, it’s also given me the unfortunate “worst-case-scenario” thought process. Although I don’t always express it, in my head I’m usually ALWAYS playing out scenarios – especially the worst or craziest ones – down to the last detail. I’m always prepared for the worst, that way if ever it does happen I’ll be prepared to do anything and everything I can to get through it – both for myself and anyone else involved. Because of this though, I have a tendency to be spaced out in my head for a long time if I don’t have something actively taking my attention
6. From the perspective of a Type Six, how can we best support each other during these difficult times?
I believe the best support right now is through community and compassion. There is an amount of personal responsibility that needs to be taken right now, but instead of focusing only on ourselves, I think people should look at the entirety of how their actions will impact others. We are all connected whether or not we want to admit it, and all of our actions have consequences, so being a contribution to the solution and taking any helpful steps will go far. The only way we can get through this without inflicting more chaos and damage is through having empathy and understanding for each other and taking actions to better ourselves and our world instead of focusing on things through a personal funnel of what we WANT to see.
Becca Briggs is a certified life coach and freelance artist, specializing in helping other intuitive creatives reconnect with their passions and purposes through personal development, organizational/strategic planning, and energetic/mindset work. She is dedicated to helping people develop deeper understandings of themselves using tools like the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, and NLP so they can live their best, most confident, creative, and authentic lives.
Remember is a powerful word. Why? Because we humans, despite all our learning and education and wise living, are prone to forgetfulness. We forget that not everyone else thinks, feels, and acts like us. We forget that everyone sees the world through their own unique lenses. We forget because it’s just a natural thing to do!
Sometimes, we need a little help with remembering. A gentle nudge to restore our compassion and empathy for another who seems rather alien (or irritating) to us! Here is a list of things to remember about each Enneagram Type.
Type One
They give the best advice, allow space for anger, are fantastic problem solvers, and make us cry-laugh with their great sense of humor.
Remember: Type Ones might seem harsh and judgemental to you, but they are so much harder on themselves. Compassion and levity go a long way in relationships with Ones.
Type Two
They are such a source of encouragement, root for the underdogs, know exactly what you need when you’re low, and truly care about everyone doing well.
Remember: Type Twos can seem overly involved and extra cheerful to you, but they are actually giving out the kind of love they need to receive. Thoughtfulness and reaching out go a long way in relationships with Twos.
Type Three
They want you to reach your fullest potential, believe in the greatness of others, care deeply, and want the world to be an amazing place.
Remember: Type Threes might seem disingenuous and unemotional to you, but they have actually lost their connection to self in order to please everyone else. Offering grounded, heartfelt space to process will go a long way in relationships with Threes.
Type Four
They are masters of metaphor, make ample space for other’s pain, delve into authenticity with vigor, and can pinpoint feelings with serious accuracy.
Remember: Type Fours might seem dramatic and mysterious to you, but they are actually seeking a deep understanding of themselves and all of life. Offering stories about your own emotional landscape will go a long way in relationships with Fours.
Type Five
They are thoughtful, measured, funny, spontaneous, curious, and care for their chosen tribe and projects with great zeal.
Remember: Type Fives might seem aloof and detached to you, but they are actually making sure that when they do show up, it’s with care, empathy and 100% presence. Believing in the deep, vast hearts of Fives will go along way in relationships with them.
Type Six
They are loyal friends and partners, kind, care deeply about everyone’s wellbeing and are totally prepared badasses.
Remember: Type Sixes might seem wary to you, but this is not your fault. They are trying to figure out if they trust themselves about trusting you. Being forthright about who you are and where things stand will go a long way in relationships with Sixes.
Type Seven
They are sensitive, deep, bright, infused with curiosity, go-getters, and full of zest.
Remember: Type Sevens might seem scattered and flaky to you, but they are actually trying to get the most out of life. Being calm and centered will go a long way in relationships with Sevens.
Type Eight
They have your back, live with passion, are seriously compassionate, strong and fight for the underdog.
Remember: Type Eights might seem intense and intimidating to you, but they are actually wearing this specific armor to keep their big hearts safe. Standing your ground with compassion will go a long way in relationships with Eights.
Type Nine
They are warm, inviting, calm, fierce, smart and understand others with great depth.
Remember: Type Nines might seem checked out to you, but they are actually working hard to keep all their connections intact. Asking what they want, with tons of space and time for answers, will go a long way in relationships with Nines.
Are you unsure about your Type? Have you taken online assessments and found them to be confusing and unhelpful? I, Melissa, am here to help with 1-hour phone Typing Sessions! I’m a certified Enneagram Teacher who can untangle the often mystifying world of typing! Click here to get more information about your unique session: ENNEAGRAM TYPING SESSIONS
“..then he added, as if requiring a response to his own remark, ‘Probably the greater the difference, the greater the similarity, and the greater the similarity, the greater the difference,’ at that moment he did not yet know how right he was.” – José Saramago, All the Names
It is consistently interesting to me as I work with clients in my Enneagram Coaching Practice that both:
Our external behaviours can look the same, yet have different internal emotional/energetic underpinnings.
Our internal emotional/energetic underpinnings can be so similar and yet, have different external behaviors or manifestations.
Here is a series of observations I’ve made so far. This is just the tip of the iceberg though. We’re all interconnected and interwoven in such a way that I know I’ll be joyfully fascinated for the rest of my life! – Melissa
Type 9 & Type 5
Same: Both externally procrastinate when needing to complete important tasks. They fill the day with busywork.
Different: Type 5s internally fear being unable to handle the task and having to ask for help. Type 9s internally fear that the importance of the task will upset their inner balance/peace.
Type 4 & Type 7
Same: Both tend to quickly shift jobs, projects, interests, and relationships. This is often done unconsciously, neither Type aware of how much they change.
Different: Type 4s are searching for a sense of identity in each shift. Type 7s search for fulfillment and satisfaction with every move.
Type 2 & Type 8
Same: Both feel angry, often because their selfhood or boundaries are being violated in some way.
Different: Type 2s express their anger in explosive outbursts after trying to repress this particular emotion. Type 8s show their anger more easily and consistently, and move on from it quickly.
Type 3 & Type 6
Same: Both are excited planners, working diligently toward achievable goals.
Different: Type 3s are internally optimistic, believing everything will move smoothly and to great success. Type 6s expect that all manner of problems will arise and so they develop a myriad of contingencies just in case.
Type 1 & Type5
Same: Both deal with voices of internal criticism and feeling not good enough.
Different: In response, Type 1s pour endless energy into improving all that surrounds them. Type 5s pick a few projects and try to silence their distrust of self with overzealous mastery.
Type 2 & Type 6
Same: Both appear externally warm and friendly in their many relationships.
Different: Internally, Type 2s cling to the love in their relationships; it gives them a sense of identity. Internally, Type 6s mistrust others, always keeping a watchful eye open for breaks in loyalty.
Type 3 & Type 4
Same: Both are intense and competitive, seeking outward recognition and approval.
Different: Type 3s push their true feelings aside to maintain momentum toward a goal. Type 4s lose goal momentum as their fluctuating feelings return them to an inward focus.
Type 7 & Type9
Same: Both are adaptable, inviting, and would prefer to avoid conflict. Internally, both do not want to feel pain.
Different: Externally, Type 7s have a hectic, wild energy and express their desires. Type 9s live at a more measured pace, are generally mellow, and mesh with the desires of others.
Type 2 & Type 4
Same: Both are used to others liking them, seeking out relationships that bolster their self-confidence. Both are friendly and magnetic.
Different: Type 2s genuinely believe they can get anyone to like them, and it’s in inward image confirmation. Type 4s distrust their relationships and inwardly distrust that they are lovable.
Type 1 & Type 8
Same: Both are focused on control, feeling inwardly that if they have a sense of control, all will be well.
Different: Type 1s exert super-control over themselves and the details of their environment. Type 8s care about the big picture. They desire power to ensure they get what they want and everything stays together.
Can’t figure out your Type? I offer 1-hour Typing Sessions and have fall slots open! Click HERE to fill out a request and discover your number!
Kim Parker of WayfindingLife.org says this about Enneagram Shadow work, “The Enneagram shows us the shadow side of our gifts and reveals the games we often unknowingly play. Although these can be difficult to face, doing so is part of a path that leads us toward freedom. Taking an honest look at ourselves, through the lens of the Enneagram, provides us with the awareness needed to let go of our unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behavior. Furthermore, as we begin to practice ‘letting go’ we are set free to be a more whole and loving p/Presence in the world.”
I love this! Something I often say to my coaching clients is that not only are struggles and weaknesses hidden in Shadow, so are amazing strengths.
Our Shadow Sides are places and spaces in our personality makeup that can be unconscious on a regular basis. However, when we dig into the darkness, a whole lot of light begins to shine, and we’re made aware of a myriad of exciting and challenging aspects of each Type’s survival mechanisms. Be kind to yourself as you investigate your Shadow Side. Always enter the work with kindness and love—and feel free to get in touch with me if you need an Enneagram Coach to guide you along this process!
Concealed in Shadow: Type One
The Type One’s Shadow conceals true desires and the need for spontaneity, levity, and joy. To preserve order, the Shadow suppresses undesired emotions like personal pain, melancholy, and deep frustration.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Two
The Type Two’s Shadow conceals the paradoxical belief that they’re deserving of royal treatment and that they’re only as good as what they give. They have a hidden thirst for love and attention. A need to express anger is also in shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Three
The Type Three’s Shadow conceals unconscious self-deception. They believe in the positive images they project, and suppress insecurity, fear, and vulnerability—all of which help them get in touch with their True Selves.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Four
The Type Four’s Shadow conceals an unconscious victimhood; a self-perpetuating cycle of lack and loss. It also hides a great wealth of happiness, satisfaction, capability, normality, and energetic action.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Five
The Type Five’s Shadow conceals a deep longing for connection, a vast wealth of wants and needs, fear of rejection, great power, emotionality, and a wise, unwavering strength that sources itself in Universe.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Six
The Type Six’s Shadow conceals a depth of connection to Source/Divine and self. There is a unconscious drive for ultimate security which can never be satisfied. Many actions are motivated by a fear of retribution from authority.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Seven
The Type Seven’s Shadow conceals the full spectrum of their inner emotional life, and a true ability to hone and focus attention. Feelings of insecurity and “unknown-ness” are also hidden in Shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Eight
The Type Eight’s Shadow conceals the purest parts of themselves because they are the least accessed: softness, innocence, and vulnerability. Their Shadow also hides insecurities that Eight’s refuse to admit.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Nine
The Type Nine’s Shadow conceals a layered emotionality, often with a deep reserve of rage/anger that must be expressed…to then access a kind of grief over abandoning themselves for so long.
During this uncertain season, when none of us know quite what to do or how to feel, let’s turn our attention to positivity as best we can. What can we offer each other in our homes, in Zoom meetings, on FaceTime calls, or in the flurry of texts and emails that we’ll be sending in the coming days? Here are a few examples of the gifts each Enneagram Type brings to the table in times of crisis:
Type 1: Bravery, Attention to Detail, Order, Tenderness
Type 2: Empathy, Plausible Solutions, Grit, Boundaries
Type 3: Action, Resources, Authenticity, Cooperation
Type 4: Non-Judgment, Depth, Space, Vitality
Type 5: Wise Insight, Attention, Leadership, Courage
Type 6: Connectivity, Vulnerability, Endurance, Adaptability
Type 7: Ferocity, Goodwill, Warmth, Intelligence
Type 8: Protection, True Care, Soul, Character
Type 9: Calm, Understanding, Reconciliation, Goal-Setting
A few thoughts on darkness in general. Darkness is something we try to avoid, right? And it IS awful going through a dark time or feeling in a dark place. Yet, darkness is an underrated state of being; it can actually be one of the most fertile moments in our lives. Deep stress, hurt, pain, transition, betrayal, uncertainty, and loss are all ripe for extraordinary change, growth learning, rebirth, and renewal. The following darkness ideas for each Enneagram Type might feel really “ouch”, but in actuality, are huge opportunities for growth.
The term I’m using “Darkness Growth” stems from the idea of a shadow side found in many Enneagram teachings. The shadow is characteristics, behaviors, and motivations that we exhibit but are not consciously aware. Both helpful traits and unhelpful are hidden in shadow, and can be brought to light to form a whole, integrated person.
The key with Darkness Growth is to remember we don’t shame or hate ourselves, we face the dark with courage to realize some behaviors harm us now, even if they’ve helped us survive for years. You have to love yourself first, to be able to authentically grow. Take the following thoughts and ruminate on them. See if they resonate with you in any way, and what questions you might ask yourself about what the darkness is inviting you into.
Darkness Growth Type One:
Pointing out the incorrect politics, moral failings, and questionable behavior of others to make the world better and prove your own goodness, only serves to exhaust you and alienate people. How can you embrace the spectrum of humanity?
Darkness Growth Type Two:
Cultivating an image of how good you are by constantly being there for others actually serves to disconnect you from your true feelings and personhood, turning you from falsely helpful to demanding and needy. How can you love yourself well first?
Darkness Growth Type Three:
Your character-shifting gets you admiration, likes, and success, but when it comes time to be intimate and love deeply, you will struggle because you don’t know who is the real you to share. How can you be still, in order to connect with yourself more fully?
Darkness Growth Type Four:
Idealization of self and others pulls people in, then pushes them away. This pattern solidifies your untrue victim status when people get fed up and leave. But you’re not a victim, you’re the perpetrator. How can you empower yourself with commitment?
Darkness Growth Type Five:
Your boundaries keep people from hurting you and affecting your perceived safety. But when shit hits the fan, you won’t have a network of people to help when you really can’t help yourself. Your aloneness will be real. How can you let others in?
Darkness Growth Type Six:
The search for certainty in situations and people is a self-defeating survival tool. Eventually everything will disappoint you, confirming an untrue belief that the world is unsafe. How can you shift your perspective to realistic optimism?
Darkness Growth Type Seven:
If you only show people the fun, energetic, happy side of you, they will come to think you’re truly happy all the time. It’s then not their fault that they don’t check on you or see the pain you’re experiencing. How can you share your heart?
Darkness Growth Type Eight:
You can technically treat people however you want, disregarding their feelings or etiquette. But then, when you realize you have tender, needy feelings that require love and nurturing, don’t expect compassion. How can you treat others better?
Darkness Growth Type Nine:
You can be so affable and nice that people forget you exist sometimes. The desire to avoid sticky situations backfires to eject you from a life that needs your active presence. How can you shine today?
Respect can be defined as, “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” With healthy respect you and I have the capacity to appreciate the differences within each Enneagram Type, and within each unique soul, even when those differences might feel confusing or polarizing. (Or drive us crazy!)
Respecting each other allows us to treat all human beings with dignity and worth, something our world today needs more than ever. Think about the change that happens when two people who might not normally get along decide to respect each other. A shift happens, an energy moves, and suddenly peace is possible—even within disagreement.
Here is a quick list of tips for respecting the nine Enneagram Types.
Respecting a 1:
Thank them for a job well done, making sure to point out that you’ve noticed how thoroughly they completed every part of the task. Ones work hard for your benefit.
Respecting a 2:
Send them a handwritten thank you card for something they’ve done for you, affirming how much you love them. Acknowledge how much they give.
Respecting a 3:
Appreciate their doing as an act of investing in a relationship, person, organization, or cause. Their work has a direct connection to their hearts and should be treated with care.
Respecting a 4:
Invite them to share their opinions about hard issues. They have a deep well of emotional intelligence that often goes unnoticed in meetings, conflicts, projects, and on teams. They want to use their EQ to help.
Respecting a 5:
Don’t interrupt them. It takes serious effort to coalesce all that thinking into coherent speech. They’re trying hard to share relevant information/wisdom with you.
Respecting a 6:
Allowing space for them to process all the scenarios, because you know they’ll unearth weaknesses in your plan or project that will ultimately help you succeed. Sixes are on your side.
Respecting a 7:
Release the expectation that they’ll always be happy. They have a rich well of wisdom and being to give, but can only do so when space is safe enough for them to share the full spectrum of their selfhood.
Respecting an 8:
Step aside when you see them leading effectively and allow them to be in control. They use their innate power to serve and protect.
Respecting a 9:
BOTH give them time and space to withdraw or go with the flow as they need to keep peace, AND periodically remind them how much their unique presence matters. They love you fiercely.
Hope these tips are helpful! Please feel free to comment below with ways you feel respect as your Type, or ways you’ve learned to respect other Types! – Melissa
