Enneagram Object Relations

Today we’re diving into a corner of Enneagram theory world via the brilliant Belinda Gore.

“Basic to Enneagram Object Relations theory is the concept that the ego-self, or personality, develops only in relation to something else. This something else is called the Other. We develop the ego structures we come to know as ourselves through early experiences interacting with key people and objects.” – Belinda Gore

As humans, we have three core needs: protection, nurturing, and belonging. For each of the nine Enneagram types, our child psyche perceives one of these core needs as being specifically unmet. This lack leaves behind a deep, often unrecognized wound—a persistent need that compels us to respond unconsciously with either frustration, over-attachment, or rejection. Each of the nine Enneagram type structures represents a unique strategy crafted by the ego to cope with and address this perceived lack. I’ve listed all the types and their object relation structures below. Scroll down to find your type. What do you think? Does this theory resonate for you?

To learn more, visit Gore’s website: https://belindagore.com/enneagram/

Type 1

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me have failed. They’ve fallen short, so I’ve had to form rigid rules and boundaries that keep things ideal and in check. I often sense frustration boiling under the surface and deal with it by making sure I engineer specific outcomes.

Type 2

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me didn’t care to do so. I deal with this pain by unconsciously rejecting my wound. I turn my attention outward and lose myself in the lives of others, making sure I’m constantly ignoring myself. I don’t want to feel that lack again.

Type 3

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I deal with this pain by trying to offer relational resources to others. I’m not too vulnerable or invulnerable so that people keep me around. I’m constantly adapting my external behavior to receive positive responses from others, which feels like nurturing.

Type 4

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I never entirely belonged. I deal with this lonely sensation by noticing my dissatisfaction with life and people. I’m idealistic and picky, both longing for others to include me and yet never feeling that reality meets the sense of inclusion I crave. I turn inward to provide for myself.

Type 5

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I don’t really belong in the world. I deal with this feeling by removing the possibility of relational disappointment. I’m hermit-like because I tell myself I don’t like people while secretly longing for community and connection. I reject others before they can reject me.

Type 6

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me were not trustworthy. I deal with this pain by collecting a community and procuring reassurance from others. I’m very aware of what needs to be attended to to keep us all safe. I continually adjust so that you will stick around if I need you.

Type 7

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I soothe this dissatisfaction by replacing nurturing with obtaining whatever my heart desires. I deny my frustration, staving it off with endless doing, fun, and lightheartedness. Yet, I feel hollowness the whole time and long for an ideal kind of love.

Type 8

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I reject this wound and delude myself into thinking I’m invulnerable and that emotions don’t matter. I use my body, strength, and power to deny the pain and desire for care I feel in my heart. I reject my heart and keep it locked away, even from myself.

Type 9

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that my true self didn’t matter much, that I wasn’t important enough to belong. To assuage this ache, I go along with people, adapting to what they want from me so they keep me around. I tell myself it’s good to be easygoing while still longing to be known and accepted.

Enneagram Type Eight Interview: Sheila Hozhabri

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have an interview with Sheila Hozhabri, a digital marketing powerhouse, to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.

Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Eight by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose new book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. It’s fascinating! Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself!

Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Disruption’ to summarize Type Eights. Of Eights, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in [Eight] nature is the energy of disruption. What [Eight] nature seeks and is motivated by is autonomy. [Their] primary style of engagement is action. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in control and self-sufficient. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by dominance or oppression. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as panic. The primary and practical application for [Eight] nature is to breathe and practice stillness. The healthy [Eight] nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for growth.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 54)

Thanks, Sheila, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as an Enneagram Eight!

Sheila Hozhabri

1. In what ways do you use your Type Eight easy access to anger for good? This is a difficult one. I’m not sure I’ve fully honed in on how to use it for good, but I’d say standing up for those who can’t/won’t stand up for themselves. What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? The most healthy outlet I’ve found for my anger is boxing! I started doing it over a year ago and I can’t say enough about what a positive impact it’s had on my life. The best way I can describe it is that it exhausts me, and pours water over the anger flames. 

2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? Loyalty. I don’t let a lot of people in, and definitely not quickly, but I am a good judge of character. Everyone I meet is living up to how I’ve judged them. If they fall short of my expectations, I can take it personally, and question my judgement. I’ve been learning to grow and accept people in my life when they fall short, but a big hurdle for me is betrayal. That one is hard to get over. 

3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We’re very emotional and loving people. We’re not always angry. We’ll be your Ride-Or-Die for life—if you don’t let us down! 


4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? No spiritual practices, but I have gotten into meditation over the past year. Honestly, boxing has become my spiritual practice!


5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in Stress to your Arrow of Type Five? In stress, I shut people out to protect myself and my heart. I feel like I need to deal with stressful things on my own, so it’s difficult for me to let others in to help me deal. What happens to your closest relationships when you move in Health/Integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I am more open, vulnerable, and forgiving. I feel like an enlightened floating yogi, who can take on the worries/stresses/concerns of those around me and help them find the grace to deal—because I’m in a graceful place myself. 


6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For a long time I felt like I had a ball of anger in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes it would get bigger, other times smaller. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so I need to get massages regularly! HaHa. I’ve become a huge fan of box breathing to help release some of what has been absorbed. And of course, the boxing helps release that, as well. I can happily say that the ball of anger feels very controlled and small thanks to these techniques. 


7. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number? I didn’t realize that so many people have an issue saying ‘no’, it’s something I’ve never struggled with. Then, I figured out that it’s a trait of being a Type Eight, and I just LOVED that. I dislike the anger aspect of being an Eight, and how what I consider to be regular expression can be miss-interpreted as anger. (Melissa: This is big. Take note. Many Eights don’t feel or see the anger they express. For them, it’s just regular talking/communication. Sometimes, it’s not actual anger, but energy or bluntness and Eights can feel grossly misunderstood.)


8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? For most of my life, I would have said that I would get taken advantage of or be left upset/heartbroken because showing that side of me is revealing my weakness. I just found out about a year ago that I had difficulty with vulnerability, and it took me a while to even figure out what being vulnerable means and how to practice it. I’m currently reading Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” which has opened up my eyes and heart to fully understanding vulnerability and shame and how being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. 


9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight (presenting) children? Know that what is perceived as anger probably isn’t. As a kid, I would usually shut down when I got really angry. Avoid “calm down” or “Don’t get so mad/upset”. Instead, acknowledge that the child is feeling an emotion and help them walk through it. That might look like going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or being silent until they can form their thoughts clearly before talking about what’s wrong.

 
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days? Yield – Breathe. Don’t be trigger happy. Take a minute. Take breaths. Form your words and then speak/react. Affection – Speak how you’re feeling (good or bad), because closing yourself off is only hurting you in the long run. Empowerment – You don’t always have to carry the burden of the load. You can also trust others not to drop it.

Sheila is a digital marketing powerhouse who has been responsible for managing several successful digital platforms for pop artists. She is a driven, creative professional who is destined for a long, dynamic career in the entertainment industry. Sheila developed at love for the music industry in her teens and moved to Nashville to attend Belmont University in 2002. While at Belmont, she took a Comparative Spirituality and World Religions class where she first learned about the Enneagram. Upon graduating from Belmont, Sheila worked in artist management for 3 years before moving to London to get her masters at the University of London. In 2013, Sheila moved to Los Angeles and began working for a digital marketing company handling digital marketing strategy for major pop acts. 

Instagram: @sheila

Twitter: @sheila_h

*Cover Photo by Franck V. on Unsplash

Enneagram 9w1 vs 9w8

What is the function of the Enneagram wings? In brief, the wings serve as an enhancement of the basic type, they bring out different centers or magnify the (body, heart, mind) center already present in the type, and they introduce different variations of the basic type. Let’s look at the two wings for Type Nine.

Type Nine with a One Wing (9w1)

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We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” ― Gwendolyn Brooks

In Integration: 

9w1s in health (or integration) are people who combine the desire for peace of a Type Nine with the responsibility and moral obligation of a Type One. They follow the rules and fulfill what is expected of them because they truly want to create a harmonious society — and feel they have a duty to do so. They desire to do good and be good. 9w1s have double body center. 9w1s are generally nice people, like all Nines, and the One wing adds judicious and tactful tendencies. The One wing helps the Nine have a sense of acceptable social behaviors and good conduct. This subtype is much more reserved and orderly than 9w8s. They are less prone to bursts of anger like the other subtype. 9w1s are often spiritually oriented people. They connect to the flow of the universe like the Nine, but the One wing allows them to channel their spiritual experiences into daily practices like yoga, prayer, meditation, the reading of sacred texts, and reflection. The One wing is so helpful to the Nine in this way because spiritual practices help the Nine to restore their inner balance when it’s disrupted. Peace (both inner and outer) is vital to a Nine’s well-being and the One wing creates a drive in a healthy Nine to devote energy to bringing peace into the world. They are adept and patient mediators, social justice initiators, wise sages showing others different paths to the Divine, and generally, they seek to create unity wherever they go. You will experience a 9w1 as a comforting, calm, person who has a firm belief that their efforts towards harmony are important in creating a better world.

In Stress/Disintegration:  In stress, 9w1s goes to the low side of both numbers. They are people who desire peace no matter what. Their anger, feelings, and opinions are repressed in order to sustain this peace, and they do their very best to ignore anything that will disrupt inner and outer harmony. They will put up with abusive behavior from others, they will disregard things that are unfair, and they become inert in the face of challenges. Nines in stress check out naturally, but the One wing compounds this desire to disconnect from everything, including themselves. This detachment can extend for many years, as long as 9w1s remain stressed and cope in unhealthy ways. This can lead to many 9w1s experiencing depression. A 9w1 in disintegration will also exhibit some of the perfectionistic tendencies of Type One. They can start to be obsessively organized, stubbornly insisting that things in life be done the right way and put in proper order. A 9w1 won’t get angry, but they will have attitudes of censure and bitterness.

Type Nine with an Eight Wing (9w8)

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“When two brothers are busy fighting, an evil man can easily attack and rob their poor mother. Mankind should always stay united, standing shoulder to shoulder so evil can never cheat and divide them.” ― Suzy KassemRise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

In Integration: 

9w8s in health are pleasant, agreeable people who also exude an innate sense of authority. They are also a double body center. 9w8s bring a stable, calm, firm, and solid energy into places and situations. The Eight wing brings an aura of strength to the easygoing Type Nine. Their strength is much more reserved and detached than the aggression and raw power of the pure Type Eight, though. The Eight wing helps the Nine to move through life with more common sense, directness, and a take-charge attitude. 9w8s can be leaders, CEOs of big corporations, or politically inclined. (I often wonder if President Obama is either a 9w8 or 9w1.) They are usually very cool under pressure and don’t resort to despair in the face of crisis. Other people truly like and follow 9w8 leaders because they are powerful and compelling, while also being kindhearted, serene, and pleasant.

In Stress/Disintegration: 

In stress, 9w8s take on the low side of Type Nine and the low side of Type Eight. This creates a very strong internal tension because the Nine desires harmony at all costs and the Eight desires to express anger and engage in conflict. Usually, a stressed out 9w8 will be compliant and try to move away from conflict, except for the times when the Eight wing roars and the Nine suddenly explodes. These eruptions of anger serve to try to communicate to people in their lives that a Nine’s boundaries have been crossed. The Eight wing also propels the Nine to step into conflict at the very end in order to diffuse and wrap up a fight in a direct, efficient manner. This allows the 9w8 to then move back to a place of harmony as quickly as possible. 9w8s are not as upset by their anger as 9w1s would be, they don’t feel guilty about it. Their desire is to get back to inner and outer peace; their feeling of normal. One distinguishing feature of the disintegrated 9w8 is their tendency to dissociate from others and their own feelings, all while exacting revenge on people who have wronged them. They are dispassionately vengeful. And like a Type Eight, once you are on their bad side, you are blacklisted forever. They might seem nice and act socially polite, but any kind of relationship with them will be over for good.

The Great Eights: Interview with Enneagram Eight Asia Perrin

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“You have to know what you stand for, not just what you stand against.” ― Laurie Halse AndersonSpeak

Today we have a Type Eight in the house! Asia Perrin has graciously allowed me to interview her and ask all kinds of questions about what it’s like to be a Body Triad Eight. Her answers literally put me in the mind, body, and emotions of an Eight and are so helpful! I’m loving these interviews and have a bunch more lined up. It’s great to hear from real people about how the Enneagram is impacting their lives. Thank you, Asia, for sharing your amazing thoughts and experiences!

1. (Asia), when you typed yourself as an Eight did you feel deflated or have a confident sense of, “Oh yeah, that seems all good to me!” I’ve heard that of all the numbers, Eights are the most content with their number.

I was super content, haha. Actually, it was more like I felt known. That’s a big deal for me, feeling known past my “tough” exterior. (Which in my opinion, I don’t feel as tough as people perceive me!)

2. What is the energy flow of an Eight? How does being in the Body Triad impact how you work, play, relax, and interact? Does anything shift your energy, like do you have triggers that might send you into a different space/flow?

I always need to be doing something. I’m a tactile learner, I have to do/play with the lesson I’m learning in order to grasp it. Even relaxing for me is “doing” something. Cooking, cleaning, shopping. I don’t enjoy doing nothing. For me, being in the Body Triad means I physically experience things. Like, when I get really scared/angry, my mouth gets hot. When I experience something physically large in nature (waterfalls, Grand Canyon, mountains, etc), I get lightheaded. I’m also a Christian, so in context of the presence of God, I feel Him… instead of seeing or sensing Him. Everything I experience is very physical.

As far as triggers, it’s when people take away my attention of that moment; distracting or interrupting me from what I’m experiencing. Sometimes, in integration/health, I can feel people emotions. It’s weird, but often that overwhelms me. It’s tiring to process someone else’s emotions when processing your own emotions isn’t natural.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you are stressed (Arrow to Type Five)? What happens to your closest relationships when you are integrated/in health (Arrow to Type Two)?  

Stressed: I’ve made it a point to surround myself with very strong people who aren’t afraid to call me out or put me in my place. I know my personality is intense, so I need people to be strong enough to tell me what I need to hear. But also, people who see past that strength, as well. SO usually in times of stress, they let me throw my fit and can handle the unbridled tongue of an Eight haha! But if something is too vulnerable to talk about, I don’t even share it with them. I handle it on my own, because if I, the juggernaut Eight, can’t fix the problem, how can they?

photo-1426329559439-876ed4b77295Health: In health, I’m a very protective, selfless person. It’s really interesting how much of a Type Two I embody in health. I can process and work through feelings. I don’t care about asserting my dominance. I still express anger, though—I’m not afraid to show anger in either stress or health. I think the most important thing is, in health, even if I think someone is trying to control me, I don’t feel scared or defensive because I’m in total control of myself. For me, it’s taking a lot of my energy to consistently function as an integrated Eight. I have a lot of counter-instinctual behaviors to adjust to. When I visualize an Eight in health, I picture a beautiful house, one that was made to be enjoyed by guests to find safety and rest (that’s the Type Two). This house, however, is enclosed by the most impenetrable wall that no one can get in unless I let them.

4. Do you know if you have a Seven or Nine Wing? If so, how do the characteristics of either the Seven or Nine or support/enhance the traits of being an Eight?

I’m a Seven Wing! I definitely embody a Type Seven in most social interactions. My Seven Wing is most shown through my energy. I’m social, outgoing, humorous, fun and love hanging out with people. I overcommit to social activities and am very dramatic in interactions… very loud and boisterous. In fact, for the most part, besides in stress, my Eight nature most comes out when I see someone trying to hurt others, especially those I care about.

5. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike the most?

I love that Eights are so comfortable (and proud) with who they are, that opinions don’t bother us. I also love how we love. Passionately, deliberately, and sincerely. If you have an Eight on your side, you have one hell of a companion. annie-spratt-54462-unsplashHave you ever seen an Eight walk into a room? As an Eight, even I’M captivated. We’re some of the most authentic and captivating types. The main thing I love about Eights is the authenticity we live in. We truly are ourselves, for better or worse.

What I dislike most, is the Eight’s ability to bully and manipulate. We carry too much intensity and authority to use it carelessly. I also truly dislike how people interpret Type Eight people. For the most part we’re seen as mean and often told to soften our personalities because others can’t be around us. While I agree in part, I don’t think it’s fair to the Eight.

6. What practices have you integrated into your life as an Eight to help you become more self-aware and grow? Are there any spiritual practices you connect to that might tie into your number?

When I get angry about something, I have to take a day or two to feel that anger and identify the root of it. Mostly, I’ll confront the source of my anger, whether that means talking to someone about an issue, processing an emotion I’m uncomfortable with, or asking for help. I always research things or try to find the truth behind a situation before I act out. Lastly, I started counseling, it really helps mirror how my actions come across but also validates the feelings I neglect. As far as spiritual practices, I pray a lot and talk to God about things I’m experiencing.

7. What do you wish people understood about your number? What are some common misconceptions about Eights?

We’re not mean, wild forceful beings that can’t be tamed. Those are aspects to us, yes, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we are. We’re actually super caring and emotional—when you let us be. It just takes some time for us to let down our walls, and if you’re not worth it, you’ll never see that side.

Eights do not mean to be rude, I promise. People can like having Eights around because we will say what they’re afraid to say. But our bluntness isn’t malicious, it’s coming from a sincere place of wanting to be honest. Eights value honesty so much that when we share the truth with you, it’s because we’re trying to do the right thing.

Eights unconsciously fight for those who can’t. It’s almost second-nature. This, however, leads to Eights fighting battles we were never intended to fight. You may have to tell an Eight to back off and let you do it on your own (I know it’s scary, but we need that smack sometimes.) However, Don’t use an Eight to engage in conflict when they’re for you, then “punish” us when that same energy is directed at you. We’re allowed to defend ourselves when other Types finally get the courage to say something to us, especially if it’s a negative interaction.

jyotirmoy-gupta-527306-unsplash.jpgLastly, women Eights are just as valuable as male Eights. DON’T FORGET THAT. Women Eights: you are strong and still delicate, protective, yet fragile, hardworking, yet still needing rest. It’s okay. You can do and have it all, and still ask for help. The right people will always be there to help you when you can’t do it anymore (even though we will still try)!

8. As a child, did you feel that somewhere along the line you picked up the message that, “You must always be strong,”? That somehow it would be unsafe to show softness or vulnerability?

I didn’t pick it up, so much as it was specifically said to me. Growing up, the message of not letting people take advantage of you and protecting others was instilled into me. Especially after becoming an older sister, that heightened. Unsafety in showing vulnerability and softness often came when people would tell me to “get over it”, use my vulnerability against me, or when someone would invalidate my feelings as trivial. It was really sad that emotions were regarded as a weakness when in reality, counter to the Eight’s belief, there’s immense strength in acknowledging and processing your emotions.

9. Talk about what the words truth, protect, and thoughtfulness mean to you today.

Those words carry so much weight!! Truth is everything. I have a really hard time whenjon-tyson-628533-unsplash people lie. Mainly about stupid stuff. For me, I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t keep their mouth shut, instead of unnecessarily lying about something. Most of the time, the truth comes out and you look stupid. That’s intense I know, but I hate lying. Moral of the story: If we’re friends, tell me the truth, I can handle it

Protect: This word to me, is almost a command. “Protect those who can’t protect themselves.” I can’t tell you how many battles I fought that weren’t mine to fight. However, as I grow, I know it’s not my place to fight every battle, nor is it smart. It still does feel like a command though, so I definitely look down on people who abuse their power and hurt people they should be protecting.

Thoughtfulness: This is an acquired ability for me. Being thoughtful doesn’t come naturally, so it was a muscle I’ve had to exercise. Now, thoughtfulness is easier. Thoughtfulness is essential as Eights to care for and interact with others. It almost serves as a filter when the Eight overdoes it and tries to control everything. It helps bring my attention back to how my actions are affecting others.

unnamed.jpgHi, I’m Asia! (Yep, just like the continent) I live in Orange County, but grew up in San Diego. My life consists of tweeting, getting far too invested in the Enneagram, and watching too much reality TV. Follow me on Twitter @AsiaJaLacie

 

*Photos by Arisa Chattasa , Annie Spratt , Jyotirmoy Gupta ,Jon Tyson on Unsplash

 

 

 

 

I Feel Pain: A Humorous Look at How Each Enneagram Type Might Intuituvely Respond to Pain

Type One – I feel pain.

Ah, an imperfection in myself detected. Must find the right diet, mindset, routine, system to obliterate this aberration.

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Type Two – I feel pain.

That’s someone else’s pain, let me go help them. Helping, helping, helping. Serving, serving, serving. Oh gosh darn, this pain is getting stronger and bigger and… (demon voice) NOW YOU WILL ALL FEEL MY WRATH!

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Type Three – I feel pain.

Nah, that was just a bit of indigestion. What’s next? Grab the dry cleaning, construct a chair from scratch using repurposed wood, go to the bank, kill my presentation at work, pick up the kids, and conquer the world… all while lookin’ fly.

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Type Four – I feel pain.

I need to stay in bed all day and wallow in the myriad of ways my life might have turned out differently / fantasize about the ideal scenario in which this misery, this gut-wrenching ache of despair would not have descended on such as I.

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Type Five – I feel pain.

What is the origin of this pain? Why is it manifesting at this particular time in my life? What happened today? There’s gotta be a book about this. Let me just pull up Google…

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Type Six – I feel pain.

Damn right. Okay, DEFCON ONE! I’ve prepared for this moment every second of every day. I know my leader and I will now adhere to every one of their principles and guidelines until I’m shepherded back to safety.

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Type Seven – I feel pain.

Oh, look a glitter pen! And there’s a new burger joint I’ve been wanting to try and god, this shirt is old, I need a new one like right now.

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Type Eight – I feel pain.

No, I don’t. F*^ck you, feelings!

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Type Nine – I feel pain.

What? Huh? Oh sorry, I’m a little hazy because I’m between naps. Now, what was I feeling? Pizza, yum. I could go for a slice right now. What do you think? Do you feel hungry?

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Enjoy! – Melissa (Enneagram 5 and books are my best friends)