Category: Types

Enneagram Resource Roundup: Books

Enneagram Resource Roundup: Books

Posted on by melissakircher

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” ― Anais Nin

I am the typical Type Five with my head always buried in a book. My love for reading extends to literally all the things, I love a good romance novel as much as a tome on quantum mechanics! Many people ask me about good Enneagram resources where they can dig in and learn all the nuts and bolts of this ancient wisdom, psycho-spiritual tool. And my Five self has books to share! I hope you find this list helpful, though it is not exhaustive, much to my chagrin. There are many Enneagram books still on my TBR List!

Primers

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

This is my go-to Enneagram primer and one of the first books I always recommend to anyone starting out with Ennealiterature. It’s written in textbook format which makes the book easy to navigate and skip around, perfect for someone who isn’t sure of their Type yet. Thick and exhaustive, this book is worth the investment, you’ll use it and refer back to it forever.

The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr & Andreas Ebert

Rohr’s take on an Enneagram primer is serious and thorough, giving readers what feels like every spec of information possible. This book is a take on the Enneagram through a Christian lens, substituting the word sin instead of passion for each Type as one example. I liked this book, but it did feel a bit more somber than others I have read.

The Modern Enneagram by Kacie Berghoef & Melanie Bell

A quick and easy primer, this book is a fast rundown on all the Enneagram topics you could dream up. Not only do they go over history, type, wings, subtypes, and arrows, the authors discuss Types in relationships and at work. They provide stories as learning tools through which the reader can see different Type interact with a fictional situation. The back of the book has tips for each Type and questions to consider for healthy daily living.

Millenneagram by Hannah Paasch

Millenneagram is an Enneagram primer written by a Millennial and especially for Millennials, though it can be enjoyed by any age group. The author has an irreverent, witty, unique take on describing the nine EnneaTypes. The book will make you laugh and cry, though it does contain a good amount of swearing. LGBTQ+ and Exevangelical friendly, there is a definite edge to this tome, but I think it’s well worth the read no matter who you are.

Self to Lose Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil

This is another book about the Enneagram from a Christian perspective, though I found it to be light and easier to get from start to finish than Rohr’s book. This has a great take on the Authentic Self and lovely healing prayers at the back that could be adapted as mantras for people of other faith’s or spiritual traditions.

Relationships

The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile

A true gem of a book, this resource is all about relationships. Suzanne takes readers through how the nine Types interact and possibly react to each other with wisdom, good humor, and deep insight. This is a must read for anyone seeking to use the Enneagram as a tool to better understand and love the people in their lives.

The Enneagram in Love & Work by Helen Palmer

This book is exactly as described, an investigative peek into how different types would predictably behave in intimate relationships and in the workplace. Palmer is one of the Enneagram greats, and this book is a must read for its detailed, helpful, and informational take on the drives and motivations of the Types in relationships and at work. She takes the reader deep into the psyche with wonderful and realistic insights that have practical, real-life applications.

Are You My Type, Am I Yours? by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

This book is full of cartoon illustrations, a good resource for more visual learners. The authors have an interesting take on the Types in relationships, pointing out what each might think or say about the others. A lighthearted read that has a couple moments of depth.

Deep Dives

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

If ever you wanted a peek beneath your own skin, down into the abyss of your psyche and soul, this is the book for you! Riso & Hudson provided nine detailed levels of each type, with Level One being the healthiest version of the number and Level Nine being the darkest, most disintegrated space. This book is for people wanting to do serious Enneagram work on self-discovery and awareness.

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut, PhD

This is one of my favorite Enneagram resources with Chestnut diving into Subtypes, the three survival modes, if you will, for each Type. The book is divided into sections that describe the three subtypes for each number. I’ve found it an invaluable tool for being able to distinguish the differences in motivation and behavior within Type. A bunch of Type Two’s can all seem so different, and yet be the same number. This book explains why.

Niche Topics

The Art of Typing: Powerful Tools for Enneagram Typing by Ginger Lapid-Bogda, PhD

If you are at all uncertain of your Type, or trying to help a friend, family-member, or client figure out their number, this is an amazing resource! The author goes through every combination of Type and asks insightful questions—then provides the answer each Type might say. She really helps readers dig into motivations and drives behind Type, rather than simply typing by behavior alone. Highly recommend.

The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth by Christopher L. Heuertz

This book is a lyrical and beautifully written take on the Enneagram with a special emphasis on the pathways illuminated by Type back to the True Self and God. Heuertz provides in-depth contemplative practices for each number. He further explains and identifies why each Type would respond to a practice well and how everyone can experience healing within stillness, silence, and solitude. This book is written from a Christian perspective, but it’s so open and encompassing, people of different faiths could easily adapt it to fit their beliefs.

*Be sure to check out my new store for affordable Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print out and use instantly!*

Type 5 Parenting Part II: Gena Thomas

Posted on by melissakircher

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Today I’m happy to welcome Gena Thomas to Enneagram Paths to continue our look into Type Five Parenting and what it feels like to identify as a Type Five woman. Gena is a mother, faith-wrestler, and writer, with her second book Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey comes out in October 2019.

 

Welcome, Gena, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? 

I’ve recently discovered I’m a Five after about a year of trying to figure out my Enneagram number. It’s been interesting to think through what it means to be a female Type Five because most Fives interviewed on the podcasts I listen to are men. It helps me better understand (with my Four Wing) why I can be so emotional about certain things and non-emotional about much of the rest of my life. The advantage is, in my opinion, that I often have an objective view of life, so I rarely respond or make choices out of emotion. This keeps me relatively level-headed amid heated moments. However, my Five -ness seems to be not what is expected or seemingly desired of women by society, especially in Christian circles. One of the disadvantages of being a woman Five is that I never feel like I fit into other’s expectations. I question things. At first, this is viewed as good and healthy—until I probe into areas that people would like me to leave alone. Then, I’m viewed in a negative light. But I can’t seem to hold in my questions; perceivably good or bad, they are my most constant companion.

2. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships?

I identify as she/her. All of my life I have been a Christian, so being a female Five has been a part of my daily experiences in the different circles I’ve found myself in. As a woman, I’m grateful to have found some faith communities that embrace me fully. The first of these was in undergrad where questioning was the norm for everyone. The second was in graduate school, where I met others doing difficult faith-based work in community development who understand and embodied in a deep way that to have faith is to simultaneously question why the world is in the state it is in. But on a whole, being a Christian woman Five is a curious space to occupy. I hold strongly to my beliefs, but I also don’t fear doubt in a way that seems to be the norm for many Christian spaces. The story of Jacob wrestling God has been one I’ve always held dear. I consider myself a faith wrestler, and I believe that will be a lifelong endeavor for me. I also am very egalitarian and believe the gospel message unhinges the earthly hierarchies we create, including the gender hierarchy. My family moved to a new state recently because of a job opportunity for me, a woman — not for my husband. And there were some surprising responses to this from other Christians. Also, as an author, there is more of a spotlight on me than my husband. Again, the typical gender norms that often exist in evangelicalism don’t describe my family’s situation, and thankfully I think that’s becoming more and more the norm.

3. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? What is the easiest thing?

I think the hardest thing is recognizing I do have feelings about personal situations, they just take time to surface. I have to give them that time. The hardest thing for others to deal with is that even though I don’t fit the typical gender role of a “Christian woman” I will still pull a chair up to the table.

The easiest thing about being a Type Five is researching and observing. As a writer, this helps me in so many ways. Writing allows me to process my feelings, so having a personality that always wants to learn more feels like a great asset as a writer and person.

4. Talk a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram?

I have two kids: an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Parenting is hard, but it is oh-so-good. I love how it teaches me to be selfless. I parent with my husband, which is a great balance for us because he’s very hands-on and playful. I’m more reserved and love to reason with my children. It’s important for me to set aside my distractions and just play with my kids. It’s probably one of the toughest things for me to do. I’m seeing how much I hoard time, especially alone time, so when my kids are playing, I want to get dishes done or laundry done so that when they go to bed, I can read a book or write. But if I did that every time I wanted to, I’d never play with my kids. I discovered the Enneagram about two years ago, so this is all still new, fresh awareness for me. It helps me to ask myself: Am I hoarding time right now or do I really need to get this task done? What’s the worst that can happen if I stop my tasks and play?

5. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs?

I feel like it’s extra hard. I struggle a lot with this, especially working full-time and coming home and feeling like I need some moments to withdraw before jumping back into another social environment that requires even more of me. Luckily, I have a thirty-minute commute and so I’ve started to use that time for introspection. I truly believe that staying present with my children makes me a better person, so it’s important for me to stay mindful of that—even though I still withdraw a lot. But, it’s also important for my family to recognize I sometimes need alone time to re-orient and re-charge, and to give me space when they can. In the end, our family dynamic is a give and take, and we’re all the healthiest when we find balance in recognizing each other’s needs.

6. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? Do you find avarice (greed) creeping in on your relationships with your children?

Yes, avarice always creeps into my relationship with my children; in wanting to withdraw, if that makes sense. I also hoard time, so for me, avarice comes in the form of wanting to not stay present as a mom; wanting to take some alone time or wanting to get things checked off my to-do list. I’m realizing this more and more. It’s so helpful to see it as something that works against my health, which is a huge testimony to the Enneagram. When I was first trying to determine my number the idea of avarice—or greed—made me think I wasn’t a Five. “I’m not a greedy person,” I thought. But then I heard someone being interviewed on a podcast talk about being greedy with time and suddenly it hit me like a demolition ball. I’ve often been wrecked by avarice, but now, with self-awareness, I see how dangerous (in some ways) that greed can really be.

7. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother your children day-in-day-out.

Heart first: When my kids pass big milestones, I get excited. Unlike many moms I know who feel sad about their little child growing up, I rarely feel sadness about a new phase of life. I think this is because I LOVE that I can reason well with my son. I love having deep discussions with anyone, so being able to do that more and more with my children is awesome!

Thoughts: Having a routine helps me out a lot, I thrive better with it than without (glad the summer is over!) Actual thoughts I have often: Did I do this? Did my son get that? Did my daughter do what I asked? When can I get alone time again? How much energy will it take to do this activity? Is there another similar activity that will take less? If I expend this much energy here, when will I next get filled up? Oh my goodness, my son is so wise! My daughter is adorable! I love my kids. I am so annoyed by my kids. Why are they fighting again? Awww, they are playing together, this is so sweet. Wow, what’s it going to be like when she can do this [insert activity]? 

Sensations: My daughter is very touchy. I love how she runs up to me when I arrive home from work and yells my name and gives me a huge hug. I love whenever she plays with my hair or brushes it, or lets me play with hers (that doesn’t often happen). When I tell her she is cute or pretty, she squeals in delight. Both of my children’s laughs are the sweetest sounds to my ears. I love that my daughter wants to sit in my lap or next to me. It took a while to get used to this because my son wasn’t like this, but I have really learned to enjoy her physicality even though I can be big on personal space in most other settings. I know there will come a time when she doesn’t want to do this, and I don’t want to take it for granted.

8. Give us as many tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in!! What have you learned so far?

This tip is for being a mom but also for professional life. I am much better at being social with someone who I have contacted first through email or text or direct message. So, whether networking professionally, or socially for my children, it’s always good for me to make communication contact prior to physical contact.

I hear a lot about how much Fives are in their heads, so one thing that has helped me as a mom is to do physical activities with my kids. When I come home from work, my mind is reeling, it’s good for me to go outside with the kids and kick a soccer ball or pick up sticks together. Moving my body gets out of my mind while also connecting with my kids.

It’s hard for me to write when my kids are around, so I’ve learned to set aside writing time either while the kids are sleeping or while they’re with a sitter. This can be challenging, especially now that we live far away from family, but it’s been important for me to thrive.

I’ve also just recently read The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz which talks about the need for stillness. While silence is relatively easy for me (and quite welcome when I get to be alone) stillness is tough, especially trying to still my mind. I’m just now getting into some contemplative prayer practices and it feels like holy resistance doing so.

Gena1Gena Thomas is a writer, a faith wrestler, a wife, and a mom. She and her husband, Andrew, have been married for 10 years and they have two children, an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Gena works as an instructional designer at a nonprofit that equips local churches within the area of holistic development. She has written for several Christian publications, and published her first book, A Smoldering Wick: Igniting Missions Work with Sustainable Practices in 2016. Her second book, Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey unpacks the story of Gena reuniting her Honduran foster daughter with her family after separation at the US border. Separated by the Border comes out October 29, 2019. Gena can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and on Twitter, where she’s most active.

*Cover Photo by Aswin on Unsplash

Mistyping : The Enneagram Journey

Posted on by melissakircher

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What is the most common bewailment I see on EnneaTwitter these days? You guessed it:

“I’m so confused, I can’t figure out my type. Please help!”

If you are a human person (there has been a rather large surge in cat typing lately) and trying to figure out your type, please read this short blog about mistyping to make yourself feel better. Will this be the blog that finally lands the plane about whether you’re a Type Two or Type Four? No. You will, sadly, like the rest of us plebes, have to keep reading all the great books and blogs out there and continue trudging on the journey to self-discovery.

Because, most importantly, only you can type you. 

Yes, truth. Probably the most infuriating thing about mistyping is that in the quest for answers, it’s easy to forget that everything needed lies within. The quizzes might point you in the right direction or they might confuse you.siora-photography-k-g-kt1vahs-unsplash.jpg They are tools, just like books, blogs, and podcasts are all tools to facilitate the teaching of the Enneagram so you can decide all on your own what hellish/amazing path of self-work, compassion, growth, and revelation to take. Finding out your type is not as simple as picking a number, it’s discovering what survival skills your brain, nurturing, personality, and circumstances created to help you get to the very place where you realize they’re not so hot anymore.

We don’t hate them; they kept you safe. But once you find your type, it’s, “I love you type for getting me this far and now I need to rediscover the myriad freaking amazing qualities about my true self I forgot.”

The Enneagram is a lot of work you all!

And on this path of self-discovery, it is utterly normal and totally expected that you will mistype yourself.

I might even dare to say that mistyping is part of the typing process.

This can happen for so many different reasons. I’ll list a few:

1.Trauma

2.Abuse

3. Societal expectations/ cultural conditioning

4. Gender identification

5. Sexual identity

6. Family history & expectations

7. Stress

8. Illness

9. Body image issues

10. Religious upbringing

11. Being human

Honestly, that’s really the thing. Being human means that most likely everyone will mistype at some point. (Even Eights. Yes, I know you Eights are always the first to be all, “Not me!” But maybe you’re not an Eight, maybe you’re a stressed-the-fuck-out Two and in a year you’ll figure that out.)

Here are a couple things I’ve found helpful during the typing and mistyping process. Keep in mind that I’m a 5w4 and spent an entire year thinking for sure I was a Type Four. Turns out that I’m only partially a snowflake and mostly a nerd turtle! So I understand your confusion, but it will get better, I promise.

1. Look at the number you think you are and research its stress and health arrows. Become familiar with what behaviors that type might exhibit when healthy and when stressed out. Do you exhibit any of the same thought, feeling, and doing patterns? Consider that you might be either the stressed number or the healthy number of the type you originally started with.

2. Think about how you move around in the world. Do you seem like a person who lives and breathes your feelings? Is everything about emotion and relationships? If so, a good place to start is the Heart Triad: Numbers Two, Three, and Four.

Do you think, think, and think some more? Is everything carefully planned or researched? Then investigate the Head Triad: Numbers Five, Six, and Seven.

Are you a do-er? Is acting from your gut second nature? You just know what to do and go out and make it happen? Start with the Body Triad: Numbers Eight, Nine, and One.

3. Stances. Stances, in brief, are the energy planes in which you unconsciously live and emote and think.  They also relate to how you orient yourself to time.

Threes, Sevens, and Eights are in the Aggressive Stance and go out to meet the world with lots of energy and force of will. They tend to do what they want and accomplish things with zest and passion. They are also future-oriented, meaning their thoughts and feelings are often forecasts of what they think will happen, not what’s actually occurring in the moment.

Fours, Fives, and Nine are in the Withdrawing Stance which means they find equilibrium by removing themselves from the world to process or deal with the events that life throws at them. They are past-oriented, tending to dwell on memories or things that have just happened, often filtering the now through the then.

Twos, Sixes, and Ones are in the Compliant Stance which means they move along with the people and events around them, not quite being in touch with their own energy. They mold into what is either expected of them or what they feel is expected. They are present-oriented, having a grasp of the moment, but little thought goes to the future or remembrance of the past.

I hope that helps a bit on your typing journey. Remember to be kind to yourself, it all takes time. Time and love.

-Melissa

 

 

 

 

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Interview with Type Nine: @EnneaMeme

Posted on by melissakircher

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Happy Monday and welcome to another Enneagram Paths interview, this time with Type Nine @EnneaMeme! Thanks for being here Person Meme and for all the great Enneagram wisdom and laughs you share with us on Twitter. Let’s get to it and discover more about the Type Nine person (who has chosen to remain anonymous and we respect that here!) behind the Meme. Thank you so much for sharing!

Enneagram Type Nine 

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I first realized I was Type Nine after misidentifying as a Type Seven. I can often look like a Seven because I am gregarious and excitable. A year ago I had to face some deeply rooted anger I had avoided most of my life. That pushed me into an emotional breakdown where I forced myself to look at some very challenging areas of my life—ones I needed to attend before I completely collapsed (this tweet came out of that time). This is what helped me see I was not Type Seven because I was avoiding conflict, rather than pain, and pretending my anger did not exist because I felt it would be inconvenient for other people. This fear of conflict manifested in every area of my life, but mainly in my assessment of my self-worth because I always considered myself as less than and had a desperate desire to avoid relational dissonance. The other thing that made me positive I was a Type Nine was learning about the heart and stress points of the Type. I struggle deeply with self-doubt and lack of confidence, which was the primary cause of my breakdown. I’d built my life around avoiding my internal and external conflicts. On the other hand, when I am healthy, I have the energy and determination of a Type Three, which helped me see why I misidentified as a Type Seven because I often have high energy levels. Also, seeing who I can be when I am healthy gave me hope that I can change, begin moving towards integration, and become the person I am meant to be.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

What I love about being a Type Nine is that I feel flexible in most of every situation. I have always taken pride at being able to adapt and being able to connect with most everyone. What I dislike is how that adaptability has interfered in me developing autonomy. What I found is that I tend to conform around other people and their needs rather than figuring out my own.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three? 

What happens to my relationships when I am stressed is that I either stone wall or desperately try to eliminate any possibility of relational dissonance. In a sense, I develop a degree of codependence. When I am in healthy, I am not looking to other people to conform to, but I have a strong sense of self, purpose, and confidence.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

Numbing is something I did not realize I did until I identified as a Type Nine. It has been something I have built into my life whenever I get overwhelmed. I mainly shut down or re-frame whatever I am dealing with to avoid my inner conflict. Externally, I keep myself busy, so I do not slow down enough to sit with more difficult emotions. Lately, though, I have been doing much better at knowing when I am triggered to check out and am finding ways to engage rather than numbing myself with food, distractions, or something that may appear productive but the purpose of that is so I feel better about not engaging with what I actually need to.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood about Type Nines is that they are often not truly slothful or disengaged. The underlying issue I think is that they have felt consistently undermined, in some form or another, that makes them feel less than or that their presence is not valued. The best thing you can do for them is reminding them they are capable and that they are worthy to engage. Type Nines take a long time to process, are very stubborn, and often out of touch with themselves because they are conforming to everyone around them to maintain equilibrium in their life and relationships. Do not be surprised that you need to reiterate more than several times because breaking their homeostasis means conflict and engaging with the anger they have buried inside themselves. Type Nines need to be reminded that conflict and anger are not to be feared, but are a powerful force that will spark a fire in their gut that will get them back in touch with themselves and create the inner peace they long for. Know that every time you show them they matter and are capable it is time well spent.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

For me, it’s hard to identify my wing at the moment. If anything, I would say I am 9w1, which manifest in my intensity for doing things the right way and my affinity for rule following. Over time, though, especially as I have engaged more with my anger, there are characteristics of an Eight Wing that come up as I have become far more direct, assertive, and do not feel guilty about my anger. That being said, I feel solidly in the middle right now.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

This is something I want to be. I think the hardest part of being a Type Nine for me is allowing myself to be fully myself because at many points it has been communicated or I have at least felt that who I am is not enough. This interferes with me being able to be present because I try to be someone I am not for other people. I would say, especially over the past year, I have gotten much better at this because I am aware that this happens to me when I am in unhealth. Having this awareness has helped me develop my sense of self and self-worth and I can say I feel confident that this is leading me to be the best version on myself by being truly connected to myself, God, and my community.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

Lately, I have been drawn to listening and liturgical prayer, along with journaling. I have had many spiritual practices throughout my life, but these have been helpful as I have gained a great sense of self. The structure of liturgy gives the more abstract and meditative listening prayer scaffolding so do not feel lost as I quite myself and listen. I am not sure if this ties into Enneagram teachings, but being in gut triad, I find as a Type Nine that I tend to have instinctive feelings I have a hard time formulating into coherent thoughts. So, journaling helps me articulate my intuition. These practices have been significant in my spiritual growth because as a Type Nine I need to be intentional about creating structure in all areas of my life and identifying these practices have been very helpful.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others? 

As I have developed my self-awareness, I have realized so much of what I believed about myself is not true and needs to be replaced with the truth of who I really am, not who other people have told me I am. Understanding my type has given me a lot more grace for myself, and a framework to better understand myself. I have come to believe taking the time to do this challenging inner work; I have given myself and those around me the gift of my true-self. Understanding the Enneagram has given me space and grace I need while I figure out my baggage in a way that is not self-critical, but self-loving. Also, in learning about the other Enneagram types and reflecting on my own journey, I have much more empathy for other people for where they are in life and what they are dealing with. The Enneagram reminds me that everyone is fighting their own battle and showing compassion is one of the greatest things I can do.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

It is incredible how the meaning of words can change over time. If I was asked this a year ago, I would be flooded with anxiety because that would mean I have to face my demons and actually make decisions. However, since doing more of a deep dive into my type, I can say I am encouraged and excited when I think about these words. When it comes to Anger, I am not afraid of it anymore. I am actually in touch with my anger in a good way because it motivates me and puts a fire in my guy to make myself and my world better. Bravery is something close to my heart right now because I left a job in the summer to pursue a Masters in marriage and family therapy. It is actually through doing the hard work of dealing with my baggage over this past year that gave me the courage to leave my routine and comfort to do what something that is a much better fit for my personality and gifting. My Goals are something I am now excited to set because they are the framework I live in and they help me identify my desires. As I mentioned before, having a structure in my life is crucial for me to maintain momentum in my overall growth. Without this discipline, it would be much easier to fall back into the unhealthy attributes of my type and lose my autonomy, but I am thankful for the accountability and consistency setting goals has provided me.

EnneaMeme Profile Picture

EnneaMeme, when not trying to be funny on Twitter, loves the incredible power and wisdom the Enneagram provides and encourages everyone to take their own with Enneagram to know themselves and others deeper.
Follow them on Twitter @EnneaMeme.

Interview with Type Four: Eric Nevins

Posted on by melissakircher
teddy-kelley-98551-unsplash.jpg“I have a habit of letting my imagination run away from me. It always comes back though . . . drenched with possibilities.” ― Valaida Fullwood

I love talking to Type Fours, (because I have a Four Wing and I’m so special!) but I especially love Type Four men because they are super interesting. When thinking about society in America, the outstanding qualities of a Four aren’t much encouraged. Someone who identifies as male, who can make space for pain, who lives authentically, who feels the full spectrum of emotion, who dives into the deep questions of life, and who can love imagination and creativity…these are not qualities the Western world deems worthy in men. And yet, these attributes in men are SO NEEDED! I’m convinced, the more men get in touch with their emotional lives and their authentic selves, the more healthy society will be.

I’m excited to hear from you, Eric. Welcome!

1. Emotions are dominant for Fours as part of the Heart Triad. How do emotions affect your daily life? Work, friendships, partnership, kids?

Emotions are huge for us in our family. It took me a long time to understand my emotions and to accept them as part of who I am, but not the definition of who I am. When I worked for a big company, my emotions would get in the way as I struggled to explain why I had feelings about particular decisions. In a dull, boring financial firm my feelings were not convincing arguments. That felt pretty bad. Once I learned that my emotions are indicator lights that should make me explore deeper, it became easier to express my feelings and find my voice. This is true with my wife and children as well. On good days I’m able to set aside my emotions and attend to theirs. On bad days, well, let’s just say the feels are everywhere.

2. Are you a parent? How does your Type influence parenting? 

I am the father of a girl and three boys. Being a Type Four parent means I’m the fun dad who gets on the floor and wrestles, plans a surprise, or encourages them to use their imagination. One of my strengths is that I am able to see my children’s creativity and encourage it. My daughter wants to be a writer. My parents never would have encouraged me to go into the arts for a living. But I tell my daughter to go for it as long as she understands the business as well as the art. My kids get the benefit of belief in their creative ability. On the downside, I can also be quite moody and emotional. Sometimes, I have days when I am in the dumps and simply do not want to hear them. I imagine that it feels arbitrary for them and hope they do not equate my emotions with having to earn love from me.

3. What happens when you’re stressed and go along your Arrow to Type Two? What happens when you’re in a healthy place and go along your Arrow to Type One?

Interesting question! For years, I thought of myself as a Type Two. I was a helper, a shepherd, but never satisfied. I guess I was just stressed all the time. But it does come in handy when there is stress in the home, and I can see the needs and help find a resolution. I’m still trying to figure out what it’s like to move to a Type One. I love it when I’m working on a project and tweaking every detail to make it just so. Maybe that’s moving in the right direction. One thing I’ve had to learn, though, is the value of iteration. Expecting perfection on the first try held me back for many years. Once I allowed that I could try, learn, and get better, the lid came off, and I’m working in my zone of genius more.

4. How does Envy play out in your interactions with people? Do you find yourself comparing your life, experiences, career, etc. to others?

YES! Envy is a huge problem for me. I often ask “why not me?” when I see all the cool things others are doing. Realizing that (1) social media does not reflect reality, and (2) everyone pays dues to get where they are, has helped me tremendously. This quote from Biz Stone speaks to me: “Timing, perseverance, and ten years of trying will eventually make you look like an overnight success.”

5. Talk a little about the desire to be unique. Why is this so important to you? Is it important? How do you try to be a unique person in daily life?

Oh my, yes! The tension between being normal and being unique is so difficult to live with. In middle school, I was bullied for being weird (I was kinda nerdy) and that fueled this desire to belong while never feeling like I do. I’ve realized that there are situations where I feel I don’t belong, but the feeling is mine, not anyone else’s. They accept me, and I don’t know it. Being aware of that is super important for me.

I’ve also learned to accept the ways that I want to be unique. I left my corporate job to start an online business. Most people thought I was totally crazy. Maybe I am! But I knew I had to do it or I would regret it forever. Embracing that kind of uniqueness actually helps me love being me. It may not work out, but I love that I tried.

6. Talk about what the words Discipline and Objectivity mean to you today.

My two least favorite words! Discipline is always a challenge. Lately, I’m learning to rely on others to help with that. For instance, I’ve partnered with a friend who is good at being disciplined to create a business course for soul care practitioners. I just liked the idea and would have been happy to have imagined it and moved on. But he wanted to actually create it. His drive is helping us accomplish something together.

I also learned about discipline when I started my podcast, Halfway There, in 2016. The show is about the ups and downs of the spiritual journey, and I really love hearing the stories people share with me. That love drives me to keep episodes releasing every week. Once I tapped into my desire, discipline was still work, but not hard.

Objectivity is a myth.

7. What does the phrase, “You are good enough,” mean to you?

I wish I felt that way. This is a message I have to receive from God often. If I’m not careful, any criticism feeds the “not good enough” monster in my head.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Four?

I love imaginative prayer! Going through the spiritual exercises of Ignatius of Loyola was life-changing for me. I have a B.A. in Biblical Studies and a Master of Divinity and can get super academic with Scripture. But learning to imagine Jesus really connected to my heart. Suddenly, the Scripture came alive in my mind, and I fell in love with God in a fresh way.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type impacted your life and relationships? Has it changed the way you view yourself or others?

I am learning how to love and accept myself and let others be who they are. Learning how Fours and Sixes relate has been helpful because my wife is the latter. My dreams rubbed her fears raw and created a lot of tension. Learning that fear was her issue changed my expectations when I’m dreaming. It helps so much to let her off the hook for making my dreams a reality by saying, “I just need to envision this for a moment.”

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Eric Nevins is the host of Halfway There Podcast, a show that has honest conversations with ordinary Christians about today’s Christian experience. His first contemplative exercise, Jesus is Willing: An 8 Day Experience in Mark 1:40-45 is available now.

 

 

*Cover Photo by Teddy Kelley on Unsplash

 

 

Interview with Type Three: Jordin Kelly

Posted on by melissakircher

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“Be—don’t try to become” ― Osho

Hello Enneagram lovers! Today on Enneagram Paths I’m continuing the interview series with another Type Three, Jordin Kelly. I’m so excited, you have such great things to share. My partner is a Three, and I was reading your answers to him out loud, asking, “is this true?” It’s good stuff, you guys.

Welcome, Jordin, thanks for being here and sharing with everyone your unique experience as a Three!

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I get really uncomfortable when there is no goal to work toward. Even if there is nothing to be achieved, I will make something up to keep me preoccupied with a sense of proving my self-worth. Everything I do, including relationships and spirituality, has tinges of achievement-oriented thoughts. Case in point: my entire spiritual journey started by trying to “achieve” enlightenment

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

At my healthiest, I make decisions with my heart. In other words, whatever I feel most “aligned with,” I choose. However, sometimes I am afraid of my heart because it is inefficient, childlike, and has no concept of a finish line or achieving anything. For a lot of my life, I have actually tried my best to avoid making decisions with my heart and instead relied on my mind to logically figure out what I should do because that seems more efficient.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

Yeah, I’ve got this thing I do where if I feel vulnerable, I just totally withdraw like a Nine. I go to a place deep within myself that makes it hard to communicate clearly because shame twists everything. Also, I have a very hard time expressing anger. It’s one of the quickest feelings I both self-medicate with and withdraw from.

When I go to Type Six, this weird thing happens where I feel more separate and more connected with my partner at the same time. I feel more separate in that I no longer am seeing them as just an extension of myself to manipulate and take for granted. Instead, I see them as a separate person, with their own wants and needs, in their own beauty, and I can actually appreciate them for who they are instead of using them to help me feel like less of a failure. And I feel more connected with them because I feel like more of a team. I am trusting, instead of insecure or anxious. So, it’s like I become less co-dependent and more present, trusting, and appreciative.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

I moved around a lot as a kid. As a result, I got really good at working my way into friend groups. One time in high school it finally dawned on me like, “Wow, I start talking and acting like whoever I want to hang out with. And I’m so good at it that I sometimes do it better than they do.” I think even beyond the achieving and success-oriented part of my Threeness, the chameleon/mask wearer part is going to be the hardest for me to shake. It’s like it’s unconscious. I went to Peru, and within the first day there I already knew what clothes I needed to buy to look cool and fit in. It can be nice when I can “speak the language” of virtually anyone, but it is also a curse. There is a lot of pain and suffering that comes from abandoning myself to play what I think is a more admirable role for someone else. I would say most of my pain comes from this, actually.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

I feel like a lot of what I read on the internet about Threes is really surface-y of the type. Like, sure we like achieving things and work really hard and all that. But maybe similar to Sevens, there is a deeper side to us Threes that doesn’t get talked about very much. At our core: we work hard to achieve things because we don’t feel like we are worthy human beings until we prove it; until we convince someone else to say we are good enough. We’re so disconnected from the part of ourselves that knows we are worthy no matter what, that we’ve no choice but to manipulate others by performing and achieving into being a replacement for that part of ourselves. The real tragedy is that nothing outside of us can replace that part of ourselves. And while all we’re looking for is ourselves in our search for worth, we tend to disconnect from ourselves even more in the name of winning attention and admiration from others.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I’ve got a Four Wing which means I’m both terribly tortured (and dramatic ) and complete with a system of checks and balances. When I feel sad, my Threeness wants to power through the sadness and get to work, but my Fourness wants to sit and wallow in it for a while. Since I look similar to a Nine in stress anyway, I usually end up wallowing and/or self-medicating. And then my Threeness shames me harshly for wallowing and not being productive. Which makes me want to wallow even more. It’s a vicious cycle that has lead me to very severe depression. Another aspect that can be torturous at times but has felt more like a beneficial check and balance system for me is the Type Three’s tendency to betray themselves to fit in and the Four’s desire to be 100% authentic and stay true to themselves even if it means not fitting in. In this way, my Four Wing has actually been a map back to my virtue of honesty while still maintaining my three superpower of adaptability and connecting with others using their language.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Phew. I mean, that is THE game changer for me as a Type Three. It speaks directly to the inner chains that say, “I am only loved if I succeed.” To be loved even in failure means I can get off the hamster’s wheel and stop trying to hard to be anything other than myself. One night I went out with a couple of friends to play shuffleboard. One of the girls had so much to drink that she wasn’t doing very good at the game. I could tell though, that her teammate loved her so much that he would rather be on her team and lose than to win and not be on her team. That realization hit me hard. Because love like that is so foreign to a Three. I imagined being loved that way, and loving myself that way, and for an instant, it was like everything shifted, my inner chains broke open, I stopped running on the hamster’s wheel, and I just…was. I felt free to try new things and not have to worry about failing because I would rather be on my own team and fail than to betray myself and win.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I do, but I don’t call it anything in particular. Growing up I was a Christian, which for me, was the perfect vessel to use all my Three neuroses to win the approval of God. I played the part valiantly, but even my construct for God could not replace the part of myself I was searching for; the part that knows I don’t need to earn my worthiness, that I am already worthy. I am very spiritual now, but have no labels for anything. I play in all religions and non-religions, holding everything loosely. I don’t have a set practice on purpose, because I don’t want it to turn into another thing to check off the to-do list. Instead, I try to get in touch with my heart and follow my desires for spiritual practice in the moment. There is no separation between secular and spiritual in my life anymore. By tuning into my heart, I find that I’m always practicing my spirituality.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

Committing to feeling all of my feelings revolutionized my life. I have a lifetime of stored emotion packed away in my body because I refused to feel it. After all, it is hard to run an efficient race when you’re sobbing uncontrollably. But committing to feeling all of my feelings forced me to change my priorities from achievement and efficiency to connecting with myself in the here and now. This has opened up a whole new world – a painful world sometimes, sure, but also a happier, more integrated and more connected world that I much prefer.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Achievement and admiration used to be the motors that kept me moving forward, now it is authenticity. Instead of asking how I can be more productive, I now ask how I can connect with myself even deeper. Being is still very hard for me sometimes. Similar to Type Sevens, staying in the same place starts to feel like sinking. I get restless and get the urge to DO something. But I’m learning that just being is perhaps the most fruitful thing I’ve ever done. Underneath the icky stuff that sometimes gets brought up when I stand still long enough, being always leads me back to myself and to reality. It is necessary for centering, and makes me wonder how I can integrate even something like productivity into presence even more in my life.

jordin picBio: Jordin Kelly is proof you’re not the only weirdo spinning around this ball of blue. Don’t believe it? All the proof you need is on her blog at ourweirdlives.com. There she shares her most embarrassing moments and other stories tailored around one thing: helping you feel less weird and alone. Do yourself a favor and check it out here.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/weirdlivesblog/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/weirdlivesblog

*Photo by Andi Rieger on Unsplash

 

Interview with Type Nine: Kelsey Vaughn

Posted on by melissakircher

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“Peace is more than the absence of war. Peace is accord. Harmony.”
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

Today on the Enneagram Paths Blog we are lucky to hear from Kelsey Vaughn, an Enneagram Type Nine. Nines are often called “The Peacemakers,” but they are so much more complex and wonderful than a one-line label. Nines are usually are pleasant people, calming to be around, grounded, and fun. They work hard for causes they believe in and stand up for injustice. They love fiercely and are loyal friends. I need to do a Type Nine basics post soon!

Happy to have you, Kelsey, let’s get to it!

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I took an online Enneagram test in college but felt like my results didn’t really fit me, and didn’t think much of it for a couple of years after that. Then I started seeing a therapist who does some work with the Enneagram, and found out that I’m a Nine, which fits me much better than whatever I was mistyped as before!

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

I love that I’m able to bring peace into people’s lives. I love that I’m adaptable and able to bond with people by adopting their interests and passions. I love that I can understand and empathize with almost anyone. I dislike my tendency to withdraw from conflict and my lack of tolerance for it. I also don’t like that it often takes me a long time to process the needs of people I care about and come up with appropriate responses.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three? 

When I’m stressed, my ability to empathize with other people suffers, and I get increasingly drawn into negative thought spirals that center on my own insecurities. It becomes difficult for me to function in relationships because I withdraw from whatever conflict is present, and I completely blame myself for it. I also tend to lose body awareness when I’m stressed, which makes it hard to be physically present. When I’m healthier and moving towards Type Three, I become more motivated and energetic, taking on new projects and seeking new experiences with my loved ones. I’m much more able to focus on the positive things in my life.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

I often use my phone or computer to narcotize when I’m stressed. I’ll get sucked into repetitive games, or obsessively scroll through social media. This also contributes to feelings of disembodiment. I check out of external events much more quickly than my inner experience, but if things get too intense, eventually I start losing my train of thought and even momentarily forget why I am upset.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood that our desire to avoid or mitigate conflict doesn’t mean we don’t care. And that just because we can see both sides of an argument doesn’t mean that we’re unwilling to stand up for what we believe in.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

I’m still learning about wings and how they function. I think I am more of a 9w1 because I do have some perfectionist tendencies and can get preoccupied with doing things “right” or having the correct answer. I’m starting to learn how to lean into my 8w more because it helps me to process feelings of anger (not a fun thing for a Nine) and helps me to stand up for myself and be assertive.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

To me, that phrase would mean that I am able to stand on my own and fully inhabit my place in the world. It would mean a letting go of insecurity and a feeling of connection to my inner guidance.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

I’ve been drawn to various different spiritual practices throughout my life. The ones that have called to me most have been meditation, deep reading/Lectio Divina, and the observance of seasons and cycles, whether that be within the context of a liturgical year or through creating my own set of ceremonies. I also enjoy creative pursuits like writing, playing music, and knitting, and have found them to be spiritually fulfilling.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others? 

Learning about the Enneagram has completely changed the way I relate to others and the way I view myself. I think the biggest change has been recognizing that there are different levels of health and integration and that a person under stress might act very differently from how they act when they’re in a healthy place. This perspective helps me to give much more grace to myself and others. I’m able to focus more on providing what someone might need to get back to a more integrated state.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

Anger is a mystery to me some days, but today I am trying to see it less like a force of destruction and more as a force for change and justice. Bravery is a quality I have leaned into hard this year, and I’m proud of myself for the brave things I’ve done. As for Goals, I’m living pretty moment-to-moment right now, but I’m hoping soon to take some time and create some long-term goals for myself.

 

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Bio: Hi, I’m Kelsey! I’m a queer nerdy woman living in Portland, OR. I work for a nonprofit that provides opportunities for kids to take music lessons regardless of their ability to pay for them. I love writing, knitting, playing piano, playing board games, and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Twitter: @kvaughn64

 

*Cover Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

 

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

Posted on by melissakircher

rawpixel-1076944-unsplash.jpg“He who masters the power formed by a group of people working together has within his grasp one of the greatest powers known to man.”
― idowu koyenikan, All You Need Is a Ball: What Soccer Teaches Us about Success in Life and Business

Happy Monday everyone! Today, I’m excited to have someone from my hometown of Ellicott City, MD on the blog. It’s a crazy coincidence because we don’t know each other! Tim Brooks is a pastor, coach, and writer… and an Enneagram Type Three.

You will notice that the questions for each Type in the next month or two of interviews are the same. I’ve done this on purpose. In having different people of the same Type answer the same questions, we get to see and understand more deeply the similar motivations, thought patterns, and behavior. But, it also exposes so many nuanced deviations—because we’re humans and we can’t be put in boxes! The Enneagram is a useful tool, but it’s only a tool. We’re unique people with individualized experiences and to really grasp The Enneagram’s potential for personal growth, it’s so helpful to hear from as many diverse perspectives as possible! This blog is a brave space open to all beliefs or non-beliefs, all genders, and orientations.

Welcome, Tim! I’m so glad to have you here. Thank you for your willingness to share.

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I struggle to understand how people even view life differently than this! My wife once told me that she didn’t have goals of grandeur, that a simple life would make her happy, and I wasn’t sure even how to be married to that (I have come around, it was a short crisis). I’m hyper-competitive and still unsure if that is a result of being a Type Three, or if it feeds my Three-ness. But I do have an insatiable need to win, making competitions out of the most mundane tasks (how fast I can get in and out of a grocery store, beating the caravan back from a staff lunch, guiding my daughter’s soccer teams to victory, etc.)

If I’m feeling unchallenged, I tend to think I’m wasting time. I then add a new side-project, join a new committee or board, or even change jobs. Mastery equals monotony very quickly for me, whereas many of my friends feel accomplished by mastery, I feel boredom.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

Emotions don’t play a huge role in my life, so I think heart is cut out of the equation. I’m suspicious of emotions as liars because it’s so easy to use them to manipulate and to be manipulated. As such, my authentic feelings are always at war with my rational thoughts. I bounce between the two. There are times that I have a gut sense of what needs to be done that seems overwhelmed by rational thought. But I have a deep confidence that I can beat the odds, and doing what my gut tells me to do is possible. I tend to be willing to bet on myself, and that pays off more often than it doesn’t. But when it doesn’t pay off, there tend to be catastrophic consequences.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six? 

When I’m stressed and go Type Nine, people don’t know what to do with me. I am usually a reliable leader (especially in my family), and when I go full “leave me alone, I’m playing video games, and I’m in my own little world,” it creates a void in the systems I usually cultivate, and I think people feel my stress.

My wife is a Six, and she drives me nuts in the normal marriage way. Think 3/6 marriage! I always want to break ceilings and accomplish something new, and man is she afraid of new! If she was writing this, she could tell you all about how I drive her crazy as well. But when I go to a Type Six in health, I suspect I’m more governed by the rational part of me: planning, articulating, weighing risk, being practical. My wife loves it when I live there.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

Yeah, in some ways it’s exhausting, trying, as the Apostle Paul put it, “to be all things to all people.” As a pastor, I feel this tension most acutely when I move from younger people to older people. Older folks want a formal, less flawed, articulate pastor who spends time with them. Younger folks want a flawed, fun, relatable character who practices being “real.”

When it comes to politics, I often find myself as a centrist because I am able to hear people from left and right of the political center and really understand their arguments, motivations, and dreams. Rather than not having convictions—as the center is often accused of—my problem is more being able to sympathize with those who are articulating their point at the moment. I really can see both sides of an argument very clearly.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

That we are not “liars” and we are not “fake.” That our ambition is not about thinking we are better than anyone else either. So often, especially when Threes are healthy, our ambition is about elevating all of us: our communities, our churches, our friends, our teams, etc.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I guess I could be a Two Wing. But really, I think I’m more of a full Three. My job as a pastor seems to cultivate the Two Wing… I have to care about people a lot. But, honestly, it takes a ton of energy for me.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Yeah, I know that is deeply true, but I am not sure how it is true—I just know that it is. I don’t know yet how to tell the story of who I am without listing accomplishments.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Spirituality must be corporate for it to work for me. Meditation, personal devotions, etc. quickly turn into my mind wandering, processing all I have to do. But joining with others in prayer, study, book club, worship, conversation, etc. always centers me.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

I’m not good with my own feelings, but I think I am good at helping other people with their feelings. I suppress my emotions – not that I wrestle with them often. I mentioned this earlier, but feelings, which I acknowledge are legitimate, are so easily distorted.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity: My wife hates reading about my Enneagram Type because all she sees is “fake.” I think the chameleon piece is our authentic self… because we aren’t simply what we are solely for self-preservation, but also because we need to be what you need us to be… and we can switch that on easily. If we were all accomplishment, all achievement without being able to be the person you need us to be, we would be aloof. Maybe we still are, but I think moments where we can be what you need, allows for all of us to appreciate each other.

Be: Man, this word is difficult. To be feels so stagnant. I am way more interested in what I want to become.

Pain: I know pain. I know it in many degrees from many moments. Pain makes me better. It makes me want to rise above it. It makes me want to create systems to avoid it. It cultivates empathy within me for others that I can draw on.

 

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Tim Brooks is the lead pastor at Crossroads Church of the Nazarene in Ellicott City, MD. He is the husband to Charryse, father to Mackenzie (10) and Claire (8). Tim coaches softball, basketball, and soccer. He is an editor for Preacher’s Magazine, a writer for The Community blog, and a contracted author for The Foundry Publishing. He has an earned doctorate from Nazarene Theological Seminary where he studies the overlapping agendas and formational power of pop culture and religious worship.

www.crossroadsnaz.org

http://www.thefoundrycommunity.com/

www.preachersmagazine.org

Twitter: @pastortimbrooks

Type 3: Interview with Drew Moser

Posted on by melissakircher

When I started this blog I figured it’d be a chill, fun way to offload some of my Type Five constant brain activity! I love the Enneagram and am super enthusiastic about the ways in which it leads us down paths of growth and change. I’ll still be doing nerdy, information posts, I promise! But… it’s been an amazing life/blog twist to begin to interview people. I’ve found you all are SO interesting. I’m excited to be able to provide a place for people to share about their Type and lives—a meeting spot where we can learn from each other about the Enneagram. Thank you to the 30+ people who responded to this last open call, and I can’t wait to hear about your unique life experiences. -Melissa

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“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

Today I’d like to welcome Dr. Drew Moser, an author, dean, professor, and an Enneagram Type Three. So happy to have you! Let’s get into it.

Life as a Type Three:

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I’m always prone to viewing life as one big “to-do” list. At times, it’s been to my advantage. It allows me to live a life motivated and inspired. It fueled my graduate work while having a young, large family (my wife and I have five kids). It’s fueled my writing while also working full time. That said, it’s hard for me as a Three to turn off, slow down, and be present in the moment. Without intentional work, practice, and effort, I easily look to what’s next and miss the beauty of what’s in the here and now.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

I deeply resonate with Hurley and Donson’s work on the intelligence centers of the Enneagram, specifically within stances (Hornevian Groups). Their work has helped me understand an often confusing element of Threes. Firmly planted in the Heart Triad with Twos and Fours, Threes are paradoxically quite detached from their emotional center. We tend to start with the Heart Center, but quickly detach from it—or misuse it—and let the gut and head take over. Here’s how this looks practically: I can enter a room with a group of people and fairly quickly (and accurately) read the room. I can generally tell emotional states, social standing, etc. Instead of letting that knowledge turn to empathy, which would be a proper use of our heart center, I let it turn to strategy (head and gut). Thinking and doing crowd out the heart. I’m working more intentionally to allow my Heart Center to play a more authentic role in my decision making. There’s a wisdom to the emotional space within us, and I have to work very intentionally to cultivate it.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six? 

When I’m stressed and not handling it well, I find myself in the space of an unhealthy stereotype of Type Nine. My decisiveness wanes, my normal drive to achieve disappears, and I procrastinate. I struggle to do the very thing that needs to be done, often busying myself with other less important tasks. I then tend to withdraw from my relationships as an escape rather than rest.

When I’m flourishing, I see myself embodying much of what is so great about Type Six. I’m employing my skills and talents for the sake of the people I care about. I’m actively engaged in my relationships, looking to them for support and guidance (not natural for a Three), and my relationships are more authentic and less strategic.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

When I was younger, my chameleon-like tendencies were more pronounced. My ability and willingness to shapeshift to maintain image and status was very evident. The Enneagram has truly helped me recognize that left unchecked, I’m prone to fake it until I fake myself. As a Three, I’m still good at adapting to a room, but I’m trying to do this mindfully and more appropriately. Having a more authentic and clear sense of who I am has been very helpful.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

Beneath the striving and the image-consciousness is a deep desire for value and worth. Threes, at the core, want to be loved for who they are, not what they do. But, we too often settle for achieving to impress. The thought of being ourselves without our accomplishments is scary for Threes . . . but also liberating.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I honestly don’t strongly identify with a Two or Four Wing. If I had to choose, my career has been marked by a strong helping bent (I’m in education, after all), so I think I’ve employed my 2w more. I like the notion that we can reach to our Wings for growth, and the thought of developing a strong 4w is intriguing: creativity, uniqueness, deeper emotional presence, etc.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Gah! This really is everything for a Three. As I seek to live in this truth, I’m more aware of the people in my life who believe this to be true about me. Also, I’m more likely to steward my achieving tendencies toward things that are more authentic, pure, and void of common strategic angles.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Any spiritual practice that slows me down and the only expectation is to simply “be” is helpful. I’ve found centering prayer and imaginative reading practices such as lectio divinato to be good. I also find writing to be really beneficial. It narrows my focus, paces me down from my frenetic tendencies.

Additionally, I’ve incorporated some “ordinary practices” that become more sacred spaces for me. A year ago I purchased a record player. Listening to vinyl keeps me in the room, and the music becomes more about presence than it is for background noise. Also, I recently acquired a used, but broken hot tub. I fixed it up, and it’s now an important rhythm for me to slow down, quiet my mind and body, and just be. Such slow, reflective spaces are silly but profound.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

They show up most prominently through the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, my five children, and my closest friends. Through some previous trials and tragedies in our family, I’ve been able to be more honest with my feelings. As a Three, I’ll always have a tendency to suppress my emotional center. But life has a way of exposing this. It’s hard, but a good lesson to learn.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity – I think my younger self would’ve looked to others I admired for cues on how to be “authentic”. Now I know it’s within. Tending to my inner world is so important.

Be – The journey of growth for a Three (I can attest to this) is learning that we are human beings, not human doings. Learning to just “be” requires true presence void of the need for others to be impressed by what you do.

Pain – As a Type Three, my tendency is to avoid pain or dismiss it. Pain slows us down. But, I’ve learned that pain is a powerful teacher. It excavates the best and worst of us. Also, the pain-free life is an illusion, so we might as well steward our pain well.

 

img_2818.jpgDr. Drew Moser is a writer, speaker, and consultant on vocation, the Enneagram, Millennials, and GenZ. He is a dean and professor at Taylor University (IN), and is the coauthor of Ready or Not: Leaning into Life in Our Twenties. He lives with his wife and five kids in Upland, Indiana.

Website: www.drewmoser.com

Instagram: @drewmoser 

Twitter: @drewmoser   

 

 

Type Seven, More Fun Than Anyone: Alleli Hull

Posted on by melissakircher

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“It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise [people] are able to understand them.” ― Paulo Coelho

Where I live, there has been never-ending rainfall… not fun. I have needed a dose of Type Seven optimism and energy! Good thing my little daughter is a Seven. She makes even the rainiest of days pure sunshine. I’m so excited to have another dose of bright sun this week on Enneagram Paths, Alleli Hull. As a refresher, Type Sevens are “future-oriented, restless people who are generally convinced that something better is just around the corner. They are quick thinkers who have a great deal of energy and who make lots of plans. They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open-minded. They are enthusiasts who enjoy the pleasures of the senses and who don’t believe in any form of self-denial.” (Eclectic Energies, The Enthusiast)

This is just a quick look at basic Type, so let’s dig a bit deeper into the active minds (Head Triad) and deep hearts of Type Sevens, because despite being happy-go-lucky, they are very deep, complex people. Welcome, Alleli!

1. Sevens see and experience the world by trying to enjoy every particle, every second. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I find a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment in noticing little details within the bigger picture. For example, in the song All Time Low by Jon Bellion, every fourth tambourine hit is pitched just a little bit lower than the first three. I am mesmerized that a producer’s brain can think of a detail that small! When I find moments like that in the world around me, I can’t help but share my experience with others!

The label I give this fascination is “simple joy.” I think if more people latched onto this label, we could become less frustrated with the world around us. Simple joy is going for a drive just because, playing card games with friends, making eye contact with a food service worker when saying thank you and watching their face light up. Honestly, it can be even simpler than that—playing my favorite song on repeat for the ninth time, taking my socks and shoes off after work, or even finding another clean shirt in the hamper so I can put off doing laundry for another day. Does simple joy make me a simple person? Heck no! I just like to take time to appreciate the little things.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

The order is as such: Gut —> Head —> Heart

I have a tendency to want to make (and actually make) rash, impulsive decisions in both major and minor ways. But, if I give myself an extra 30 seconds, then I can keep the weight of the matter while getting rid of the emotional charge and make a more rational decision. BUT if I take too much time, then I’ll just go with whatever I feel like in that very moment.

When it comes to indecisive friends looking to me, I normally have our options put in alphabetical order in my head and pick a letter at random. Whatever I land on is the decision we collectively make.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type One? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Five? 

Moving to either One or Five brings focus and detachment to my scattered Seven brain.

When I go to Type One, rules become rigid. I hate when other people around me try to bend and break the rules while simultaneously exempting myself from them. Sometimes I’ll even make up rules in my head and expect people to follow them. I’ll start to detach from the people I’m closest to so I can justify putting my head down and getting through whatever situation I find myself in.

When I go to Type Five, my brain can slow down and focus in on one subject at a time rather than trying to multitask—thinking about how backpacks are made, what I’m going to eat tonight, and how to say anthropomorphize without stuttering over the word, all at once. I get to detach from the emotional charge of what people are saying and look beyond what I’m seeing and hearing. When I’m at my best and most comfortable, I can look like an extroverted Five—my favorite place to be!

4. How does Gluttony play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself lacking satisfaction with experiences, jobs, or people?

I have a massive tendency to over-consume. I’m the person who will eat the last slice of pizza because nobody wants to be “that person.” I like to drive just a little bit faster than the other vehicles around me and, unfortunately, have the driving record to prove it. I binge watched six seasons of Game of Thrones in less than three weeks. Why? Well, why the heck not‽ My reasoning for a lot of the decisions I make can boil down to this: Because I can.

The second part of this questions comes at a very transitional time in my life. Summer just ended (goodbye Six Flags), I recently turned in my two weeks notice and am switching jobs, and I’ve also recently cut out some unhealthy relationships. I’m always “lacking,” but I always find the silver lining to make the best of whatever situation is staring me in the face.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Seven? (And by the way, most of us want to be you!!)

SEVENS HAVE DEPTH!!! We are probably the most easily caricatured type because our natural disposition leans heavily into joyfulness and positivity, but don’t mistake our upbeat demeanor for an empty brain—when healthy, we work incredibly hard for depth and even harder for others to see it.

Sevens are also natural Jacks and Jackies of all trades. We have the intrinsic ability to pick up foundational skills on the fly but will rarely master any one thing. We fill skill gaps until a more qualified person can fill it. By then, we’re ready for more variety and a new challenge anyway!

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Seven?

I am a 7w8. While my natural disposition is to be upbeat and positive, I can get set off pretty quickly if somebody tries to control my mood or actions without permission. I’m not great at being a “good soldier” because that means my decisions aren’t my own.

I also have a really difficult time with people’s opinions stated as absolute. Regardless if I agree or disagree with whoever brought up the statement, my natural bent is to be against it. What is great about sitting in the opposite camp from the other person is now we get to dialogue and dissect; an animated, cordial conversation gets to happen, and now we can bend and stretch the absolute statement to see what it’s really made of.

7. As a Type Seven do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I have to. At some point, the shallow reasoning I have for most of the decisions I make aren’t good enough, and I have to seek out something/someone bigger and wiser than me. While I grew up in church and still stand on the beliefs cited within the Apostle’s Creed, I do not currently ascribe to any spiritual practices.

8. How do thinking and planning show up in your life? Are you able to recognize all the thinking you actually do?

I might be a good future thinker and planner, but I’m a terrible implementer. My brain can only wrap around planning up to two weeks out at a time before I have to take considerable measures to keep my schedule organized. If there is no concrete timeline on future plans, the sky is the limit on what I can or want to do. I have aspirations of becoming a serial podcast creator, recording my own music, fostering multiple dogs at a time, and building my own gaming computer. Those are not difficult to plan and account for the logistical details. Implementing those plans are a completely different story. There are so many other easier events I can execute, so I put many of my aspirations on the back burner to take care of “tomorrow.”

I am constantly in my head, and there are a lot of amoeba-like thoughts and ideas floating around. I can typically track my train of thought, but sometimes I have to play catch up. I have gone from silently appreciating a nice writing utensil to blurting out “Can you shoot a gun in outer space?” thirty seconds later. I know all of the thoughts in-between that got me to that point, but I still have to catch up to myself. When I’m not in a healthy headspace, I’ll have full conversations/arguments with people I’m close within my head. I’ve learned to catch these earlier, so I can dissect why I’m doing this by myself and not with whomever I’m having the “discussion” with and redirect the thought pattern into something more actionable.

9. Talk about what the words Focus, Maturity, and Pain mean to you today.

Focus is selective and subjective. If I find a topic interesting, I will deep dive it until I hit bedrock. For instance: a friend of mine asked me if I could create a playlist for all nine types. I spent eight hours straight curating nine different playlists with songs spanning across different genres and levels of popularity. But if I don’t find the topic interesting, I have to work really hard to find focus and buckle down.

Maturity is a journey in a vehicle that only goes 10 mph to a destination 1000 miles away. Maturity has come really slowly and awkwardly to me. It means rising to whatever occasion is in front of me and embrace what’s uncomfortable. It means learning to minimize my foot-in-mouth syndrome and grow in empathy for the people I am surrounded by. It also means reining in my impulsiveness and owning my situation rather than running from it.

Pain is scary and inevitable. Sometimes pain doesn’t have a resolution—I’m learning that lesson right now.

profile pictureAlleli Hull is a 31-year-old Midwesterner sweating it out in Memphis. She went to school for music performance and can play anything in your typical garage band. She enjoys a little coffee with her sugar and firmly believes the toilet paper roll should be over and not under. She also has a pup named Skander and can’t say no to him. She loves FPS games, and the Halo franchise was her first love. Her room and car might be disasters, but at least all the apps on her phone are in their rightful folders.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/alleli.hull

Instagram: @allelihull

Twitter: @allelihull

*Cover Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash