Enneagram blogs » Enneagram Paths Coaching

Interview with Type Nine: @EnneaMeme

Posted on February 4, 2019February 2, 2019 by melissakircher

Happy Monday and welcome to another Enneagram Paths interview, this time with Type Nine @EnneaMeme! Thanks for being here Person Meme and for all the great Enneagram wisdom and laughs you share with us on Twitter. Let’s get to it and discover more about the Type Nine person (who has chosen to remain anonymous and we respect that here!) behind the Meme. Thank you so much for sharing!

Enneagram Type Nine

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I first realized I was Type Nine after misidentifying as a Type Seven. I can often look like a Seven because I am gregarious and excitable. A year ago I had to face some deeply rooted anger I had avoided most of my life. That pushed me into an emotional breakdown where I forced myself to look at some very challenging areas of my life—ones I needed to attend before I completely collapsed (this tweet came out of that time). This is what helped me see I was not Type Seven because I was avoiding conflict, rather than pain, and pretending my anger did not exist because I felt it would be inconvenient for other people. This fear of conflict manifested in every area of my life, but mainly in my assessment of my self-worth because I always considered myself as less than and had a desperate desire to avoid relational dissonance. The other thing that made me positive I was a Type Nine was learning about the heart and stress points of the Type. I struggle deeply with self-doubt and lack of confidence, which was the primary cause of my breakdown. I’d built my life around avoiding my internal and external conflicts. On the other hand, when I am healthy, I have the energy and determination of a Type Three, which helped me see why I misidentified as a Type Seven because I often have high energy levels. Also, seeing who I can be when I am healthy gave me hope that I can change, begin moving towards integration, and become the person I am meant to be.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

What I love about being a Type Nine is that I feel flexible in most of every situation. I have always taken pride at being able to adapt and being able to connect with most everyone. What I dislike is how that adaptability has interfered in me developing autonomy. What I found is that I tend to conform around other people and their needs rather than figuring out my own.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three?

What happens to my relationships when I am stressed is that I either stone wall or desperately try to eliminate any possibility of relational dissonance. In a sense, I develop a degree of codependence. When I am in healthy, I am not looking to other people to conform to, but I have a strong sense of self, purpose, and confidence.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

Numbing is something I did not realize I did until I identified as a Type Nine. It has been something I have built into my life whenever I get overwhelmed. I mainly shut down or re-frame whatever I am dealing with to avoid my inner conflict. Externally, I keep myself busy, so I do not slow down enough to sit with more difficult emotions. Lately, though, I have been doing much better at knowing when I am triggered to check out and am finding ways to engage rather than numbing myself with food, distractions, or something that may appear productive but the purpose of that is so I feel better about not engaging with what I actually need to.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood about Type Nines is that they are often not truly slothful or disengaged. The underlying issue I think is that they have felt consistently undermined, in some form or another, that makes them feel less than or that their presence is not valued. The best thing you can do for them is reminding them they are capable and that they are worthy to engage. Type Nines take a long time to process, are very stubborn, and often out of touch with themselves because they are conforming to everyone around them to maintain equilibrium in their life and relationships. Do not be surprised that you need to reiterate more than several times because breaking their homeostasis means conflict and engaging with the anger they have buried inside themselves. Type Nines need to be reminded that conflict and anger are not to be feared, but are a powerful force that will spark a fire in their gut that will get them back in touch with themselves and create the inner peace they long for. Know that every time you show them they matter and are capable it is time well spent.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

For me, it’s hard to identify my wing at the moment. If anything, I would say I am 9w1, which manifest in my intensity for doing things the right way and my affinity for rule following. Over time, though, especially as I have engaged more with my anger, there are characteristics of an Eight Wing that come up as I have become far more direct, assertive, and do not feel guilty about my anger. That being said, I feel solidly in the middle right now.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

This is something I want to be. I think the hardest part of being a Type Nine for me is allowing myself to be fully myself because at many points it has been communicated or I have at least felt that who I am is not enough. This interferes with me being able to be present because I try to be someone I am not for other people. I would say, especially over the past year, I have gotten much better at this because I am aware that this happens to me when I am in unhealth. Having this awareness has helped me develop my sense of self and self-worth and I can say I feel confident that this is leading me to be the best version on myself by being truly connected to myself, God, and my community.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

Lately, I have been drawn to listening and liturgical prayer, along with journaling. I have had many spiritual practices throughout my life, but these have been helpful as I have gained a great sense of self. The structure of liturgy gives the more abstract and meditative listening prayer scaffolding so do not feel lost as I quite myself and listen. I am not sure if this ties into Enneagram teachings, but being in gut triad, I find as a Type Nine that I tend to have instinctive feelings I have a hard time formulating into coherent thoughts. So, journaling helps me articulate my intuition. These practices have been significant in my spiritual growth because as a Type Nine I need to be intentional about creating structure in all areas of my life and identifying these practices have been very helpful.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others?

As I have developed my self-awareness, I have realized so much of what I believed about myself is not true and needs to be replaced with the truth of who I really am, not who other people have told me I am. Understanding my type has given me a lot more grace for myself, and a framework to better understand myself. I have come to believe taking the time to do this challenging inner work; I have given myself and those around me the gift of my true-self. Understanding the Enneagram has given me space and grace I need while I figure out my baggage in a way that is not self-critical, but self-loving. Also, in learning about the other Enneagram types and reflecting on my own journey, I have much more empathy for other people for where they are in life and what they are dealing with. The Enneagram reminds me that everyone is fighting their own battle and showing compassion is one of the greatest things I can do.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

It is incredible how the meaning of words can change over time. If I was asked this a year ago, I would be flooded with anxiety because that would mean I have to face my demons and actually make decisions. However, since doing more of a deep dive into my type, I can say I am encouraged and excited when I think about these words. When it comes to Anger, I am not afraid of it anymore. I am actually in touch with my anger in a good way because it motivates me and puts a fire in my guy to make myself and my world better. Bravery is something close to my heart right now because I left a job in the summer to pursue a Masters in marriage and family therapy. It is actually through doing the hard work of dealing with my baggage over this past year that gave me the courage to leave my routine and comfort to do what something that is a much better fit for my personality and gifting. My Goals are something I am now excited to set because they are the framework I live in and they help me identify my desires. As I mentioned before, having a structure in my life is crucial for me to maintain momentum in my overall growth. Without this discipline, it would be much easier to fall back into the unhealthy attributes of my type and lose my autonomy, but I am thankful for the accountability and consistency setting goals has provided me.

EnneaMeme, when not trying to be funny on Twitter, loves the incredible power and wisdom the Enneagram provides and encourages everyone to take their own with Enneagram to know themselves and others deeper.

Follow them on Twitter @EnneaMeme.

Enneagram 4w3 vs. 4w5

Posted on January 13, 2019January 13, 2019 by melissakircher

Enneagram Type Fours are in the Heart Triad. They are introspective, experience a wide range of emotions, care about the deep meaning in life, have active imaginations, and make ample space for pain. Fours are the people you want to have around when a loved one gets sick or passes—they will empathize in whatever way you best need. Healthy Fours understand the complexity of inner life, often becoming masters at helping others navigate the realms of spirituality and soul. They will have a good balance between their own inner world and what they can contribute to the world at large. They are warm, astute in their advice-giving, and encouraging. Often mystics, artists, musicians, and contemplatives, Type Fours can also be CEO’s and accountants, bringing their wealth of emotional intelligence and creative thinking to almost any scenario. They are eloquent wordsmiths, speaking in symbols and metaphors that others can clearly understand. And above all, they value authenticity! “Be your unique self,” is the mantra of Type Fours.

People are human beings always in motion, not types that act in restrictive boxes, therefore the integration and disintegration descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem fully integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the full spectrum of stress/health levels in a day. In an hour even! Keep this in mind as you read on.

Type Four with a Three Wing (4w3)

giphy (1).gif

In Integration:

A 4w3 is an intelligent, curious, creative person who has a million ideas… and actually executes them. The Three Wing helps the Four move from the fantasy in their head to actual physical projects and businesses that take shape and do well. They have a much higher capacity to produce results than the 4w5. The Three Wings lends practicality to the mindset of a Four, which helps them balance out melancholic and dramatic tendencies. A 4w3 will tend to focus more on their careers and often have lofty goals, with the confidence of a Type Three to achieve them. A 4w3 can also sometimes be more extroverted than a 4w5, the Three Wing drawing out a normally introspective Type Four into social settings and group activities that are enjoyable. The Three Wing allows the Four to access more energy so they move out of the pools of emotion and reverie and into the real world.

In Stress/Disintegration:

tenor

In stress or disintegration, a 4w3 combines the low side of both numbers. Both types have issues with identity, and so shame will be a core struggle. An unhealthy, 4w3 will be hyper-conscious of their image, become obsessive about relational issues (drama), and seek to find their authentic selves in projects rather than within. To maintain any kind of self-esteem, a stressed 4w3 seeks validation, trying to be seen as both unique and successful to impress others and win their love. The disintegrated Type Three shades the stressed Four with doses of anger and competitiveness. Who is more creative? Who is better than me to lead this team or make this decision? The disintegrated 4w3 throws modesty out the window, and can even act like they are royalty, which exacerbates the Type Four’s inclination to see themselves as ‘above’ the common person. Their finances take a hit as they spend excessively to create the right image, atmosphere, or environment.

Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5)

In Integration:

giphy (2).gif

Healthy 4w5s are a great mix of the Heart and Mind Triad. The Type Five’s brain energy compliments the Four’s orientation to immerse themselves in all the feels, creating a person who can empathize wisely. Think of them as a creative guru best friend. The Five Wing adds impartiality to the inner and outer experience of a Four, allowing them the capacity to reflect on relationships, situations, and emotions in a more objective manner. They can distance their ‘selfhood’ from their feelings and rely more on facts. Type Fours are normally profound and insightful, and the Five Wing lends even more wisdom through intellectual analysis. 4w5’s have an abundance of emotional depth and sensitivity, being able to view others and society through intensely perceptive and ground-breaking lenses. This is a usually introverted type, often quiet, but with active minds and cycling emotions.

In Stress/Disintegration:

giphy (4).gif

When stressed, 4w5s become eccentrics, agonized by emotions that feel overpowering and thoughts that race out of control. Their inner lives are so intense that they begin to drown in themselves, lost in a labyrinth of their own making. When this happens 4w5s often withdraw from their relationships and the outer world, thinking that no one could possibly understand their tortured experiences. This withdrawal causes their work and relationships to suffer because they aren’t living life, they’re trapped in their imaginations of reality. They rebuff all attempts at aid, insight, and practical help. In this state, a 4w5 can have a hard time holding down a job or taking care of their basic needs because in every area they doubt themselves. The weight of the universe rests on their shoulders, and they often escape into idealized memories. They can become hermits who don’t dare to trust themselves, other people, or society.

*(A special thank you to Beyoncé for her wide range of gifs. This post is not trying to type Queen B, I just like how she expresses literally everything!)

Type 3: Interview with Drew Moser

Posted on December 7, 2018December 5, 2018 by melissakircher

When I started this blog I figured it’d be a chill, fun way to offload some of my Type Five constant brain activity! I love the Enneagram and am super enthusiastic about the ways in which it leads us down paths of growth and change. I’ll still be doing nerdy, information posts, I promise! But… it’s been an amazing life/blog twist to begin to interview people. I’ve found you all are SO interesting. I’m excited to be able to provide a place for people to share about their Type and lives—a meeting spot where we can learn from each other about the Enneagram. Thank you to the 30+ people who responded to this last open call, and I can’t wait to hear about your unique life experiences. -Melissa

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

Today I’d like to welcome Dr. Drew Moser, an author, dean, professor, and an Enneagram Type Three. So happy to have you! Let’s get into it.

Life as a Type Three:

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I’m always prone to viewing life as one big “to-do” list. At times, it’s been to my advantage. It allows me to live a life motivated and inspired. It fueled my graduate work while having a young, large family (my wife and I have five kids). It’s fueled my writing while also working full time. That said, it’s hard for me as a Three to turn off, slow down, and be present in the moment. Without intentional work, practice, and effort, I easily look to what’s next and miss the beauty of what’s in the here and now.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

I deeply resonate with Hurley and Donson’s work on the intelligence centers of the Enneagram, specifically within stances (Hornevian Groups). Their work has helped me understand an often confusing element of Threes. Firmly planted in the Heart Triad with Twos and Fours, Threes are paradoxically quite detached from their emotional center. We tend to start with the Heart Center, but quickly detach from it—or misuse it—and let the gut and head take over. Here’s how this looks practically: I can enter a room with a group of people and fairly quickly (and accurately) read the room. I can generally tell emotional states, social standing, etc. Instead of letting that knowledge turn to empathy, which would be a proper use of our heart center, I let it turn to strategy (head and gut). Thinking and doing crowd out the heart. I’m working more intentionally to allow my Heart Center to play a more authentic role in my decision making. There’s a wisdom to the emotional space within us, and I have to work very intentionally to cultivate it.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

When I’m stressed and not handling it well, I find myself in the space of an unhealthy stereotype of Type Nine. My decisiveness wanes, my normal drive to achieve disappears, and I procrastinate. I struggle to do the very thing that needs to be done, often busying myself with other less important tasks. I then tend to withdraw from my relationships as an escape rather than rest.

When I’m flourishing, I see myself embodying much of what is so great about Type Six. I’m employing my skills and talents for the sake of the people I care about. I’m actively engaged in my relationships, looking to them for support and guidance (not natural for a Three), and my relationships are more authentic and less strategic.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

When I was younger, my chameleon-like tendencies were more pronounced. My ability and willingness to shapeshift to maintain image and status was very evident. The Enneagram has truly helped me recognize that left unchecked, I’m prone to fake it until I fake myself. As a Three, I’m still good at adapting to a room, but I’m trying to do this mindfully and more appropriately. Having a more authentic and clear sense of who I am has been very helpful.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

Beneath the striving and the image-consciousness is a deep desire for value and worth. Threes, at the core, want to be loved for who they are, not what they do. But, we too often settle for achieving to impress. The thought of being ourselves without our accomplishments is scary for Threes . . . but also liberating.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I honestly don’t strongly identify with a Two or Four Wing. If I had to choose, my career has been marked by a strong helping bent (I’m in education, after all), so I think I’ve employed my 2w more. I like the notion that we can reach to our Wings for growth, and the thought of developing a strong 4w is intriguing: creativity, uniqueness, deeper emotional presence, etc.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Gah! This really is everything for a Three. As I seek to live in this truth, I’m more aware of the people in my life who believe this to be true about me. Also, I’m more likely to steward my achieving tendencies toward things that are more authentic, pure, and void of common strategic angles.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Any spiritual practice that slows me down and the only expectation is to simply “be” is helpful. I’ve found centering prayer and imaginative reading practices such as lectio divinato to be good. I also find writing to be really beneficial. It narrows my focus, paces me down from my frenetic tendencies.

Additionally, I’ve incorporated some “ordinary practices” that become more sacred spaces for me. A year ago I purchased a record player. Listening to vinyl keeps me in the room, and the music becomes more about presence than it is for background noise. Also, I recently acquired a used, but broken hot tub. I fixed it up, and it’s now an important rhythm for me to slow down, quiet my mind and body, and just be. Such slow, reflective spaces are silly but profound.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

They show up most prominently through the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, my five children, and my closest friends. Through some previous trials and tragedies in our family, I’ve been able to be more honest with my feelings. As a Three, I’ll always have a tendency to suppress my emotional center. But life has a way of exposing this. It’s hard, but a good lesson to learn.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity – I think my younger self would’ve looked to others I admired for cues on how to be “authentic”. Now I know it’s within. Tending to my inner world is so important.

Be – The journey of growth for a Three (I can attest to this) is learning that we are human beings, not human doings. Learning to just “be” requires true presence void of the need for others to be impressed by what you do.

Pain – As a Type Three, my tendency is to avoid pain or dismiss it. Pain slows us down. But, I’ve learned that pain is a powerful teacher. It excavates the best and worst of us. Also, the pain-free life is an illusion, so we might as well steward our pain well.

Dr. Drew Moser is a writer, speaker, and consultant on vocation, the Enneagram, Millennials, and GenZ. He is a dean and professor at Taylor University (IN), and is the coauthor of Ready or Not: Leaning into Life in Our Twenties. He lives with his wife and five kids in Upland, Indiana.

Website: www.drewmoser.com

Instagram: @drewmoser

Twitter: @drewmoser

The View From Type Two

Posted on May 14, 2018May 12, 2018 by melissakircher

josh-appel-423804-unsplash

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ― John Holmes

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

This week I’m lucky to have Jess Bedsole on Enneagram Paths to talk about her experiences being an Enneagram Type Two. As we read interviews, I think it’s so important to remember that every person is different no matter if they have the same Type. The Enneagram does not fit us into nine restricting boxes, instead, it allows us to be dynamic, ever-changing, unique human beings. Thank you, Jess, for sharing your perspective and what it means to be a Two from your individual point of view!

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

I feel guilty if I know someone could use my help and I’m not providing it. Even after the fact, if I have witnessed someone in need of help (an elderly person crossing the street, or a dog tied up and tangled, or a person who needed help opening a door because their hands were full) and wasn’t in the mood or able to help them, it sits like a stone in my stomach — indefinitely. I constantly replay in my mind that I did not help them and feel unrelenting guilt over it. I do try to keep a balanced mindset and focus on helping my children and friends who are closest to me, but when I see a stranger in need and I am unable to help them, it really bothers me in retrospect.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I rode horses for fifteen years in my youth. Since being married and starting a family I had released that part of myself. Recently, a friend offered me the opportunity to start riding again. My problem is I can’t find any time in our family schedule to consistently call my own. I have no problem telling my children that I am working on something, reading a book or going to take a shower on a daily basis. I also have no problem taking a night off now and then to go to the movies with a friend or see a show. It’s the idea of setting a consistent time for only myself to do something I enjoy that makes me feel guilty. Honestly, I feel a little panicked about it. I feel like I would be letting my family down, so at the moment I can’t bring myself to go back and ride horses.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

I tend to speak before I think. I speak directly from what I’m feeling, with no filter that this may not be something appropriate or what others would want to hear. In my heart, it feels like “what I feel is something that will help them” or ” they should know this”. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, I can get into trouble for being too brutally honest. When I’m stressed I don’t notice or accept it until my muscles are spasming and my tension headaches are debilitating. My body has to tell me to stop and slow down because my brain does not.

4. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I didn’t want to accept that I’m a Type Two! When I initially read the Type descriptions, I skipped over Two because I assumed I wasn’t a “Helper”. However, since accepting my number, I’ve started to see how it is who I truly am. I love sending suggestions to others about things that worked for me, positive experiences I had, or how I got myself out of a cycle with my kids or husband.

5. What are some things you wish other people knew or understood about being a Two?

I wish people understood that I’m not trying to pry or be rude, I believe my advice and experiences can help them. Some people just aren’t interested in the help.

6. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

When I head toward Arrow Type Eight, my body begins shutting down. My muscles spasm, my temper flares, and I get debilitating tension headaches. I feel short of breath all the time and like it’s a race to accomplish anything at all. Everything feels rushed and imbalanced. bruno-nascimento-255699-unsplash When I move toward Arrow Type Four, I want to share everything. I’m inspired to write a book or a blog or share every good thing on social media. I want to hug my children and never let go while watching them do amazing things from afar without interfering.

7. Tell us about the feeling of loneliness. How do you react when you feel lonely?

I love alone time. I don’t think I ever really experience loneliness.

8. Do you feel like as a child that somewhere you picked up the message that in order to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

No, I don’t think I received that message as a child. I think I learned that helping others is a way to show that you love them, not that my own needs are not important.

9. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

That’s such a difficult question. Because when I’m at my best, I feel truly safe and secure in myself. I am confident and kind and generally positive. I don’t know what helps me get to that point, though. Perhaps it’s when those around me are respecting my advice and acknowledging my strengths. That makes my heart full and gives me pride. In relationships, hearing me is a big deal. I appreciate the feeling of respect from my friends or my husband. I like feeling as though my opinions matter.

10. What do the words authenticity, anger, and fun mean for you today?

Authenticity is a good word to describe who I am. I cannot be anyone besides my authentic self very well. When I try to tamp my helpful self down, I feel the repercussions deeply.

Anger rears its ugly head most commonly in the mornings. I love waking early, but I tend to need a significant amount of alone time before I can be open to hearing others or assisting them. I can be very short tempered from 5am-9am. I do get angry.

Fun would be watching my kids play outside while I sit in a comfortable patio chair, drinking tea and reading a great book. Or working together as a family to accomplish a common goal. Helping one another is fun to me.

11. (This question is from a fellow Two via Twitter) “How do you break the loop of worrying about whether your need to help is genuine or manipulative? Questioning all the motives can be exhausting and I don’t always trust my own answers.”

I tend to plow through. I feel better to just put my help out there rather than hold it in. For me, holding it in feels cumbersome. I feel like I’m not being myself or allowing my colors to shine. I accept that others may not always agree with my ideas or opinions, but it feels better to me, personally, to share and be shot down than to hold it in.

Jess is a mom of two young boys and two energetic dogs. On weekends she can be found teaching wood sign painting classes through her own small business, Sparkles and Crafts. Day to day, she’s a stay-at-home mom who is busy cleaning up messes and cooking up loads of delicious grub. When given a hot cup of Earl Grey and a cupcake, there is nothing she can’t do. You can find her on Facebook at facebook.com/sparklesandcrafts , Instagram @sparklesandcrafts, and her website sparklesandcrafts.com

*Photo by Josh Appel , rawpixel , NeONBRAND , Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

I Need You to Need Me…

Posted on March 19, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

An Enneagram Type Two in health is a glorious creature to behold! They are warm, empathetic, kind, and generous. They are others-focused, meeting needs, and giving out of genuine love with no reciprocity expected. Twos know how to relate to others with a magical unicorn level of depth and understanding. They are usually very social and enjoy parties, retreats, nights out, and anything fun with lots of people. Integrated Twos are also quite attuned to their own needs and easily set and enforce healthy boundaries. They will be your best friend for life, but also tell you a firm “no” when appropriate.

A Type Two in autopilot takes their magical unicorn gift of special understanding and becomes obsessively attuned to meeting the needs of others. They push their relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs aside in order to spend all their energy helping someone else. Everyone else. The day of a Two is one giant quest to meet all the needs!

When stressed, Twos can become intrusive in their need to be needed and offer help “because they know better”. They can ask questions that are way too personal, ignoring the boundaries of those they love. Unconsciously, Twos in stress tend to seek out relationships with people who are a bit of a mess, in order to latch onto someone who will always need them. They want to be loved and helping makes them feel loved. Twos often get stuck in their pride of helping. They also get stuck wanting to be perceived as a good person, which makes it very hard for them to consider any kind of criticism. They do not take rejection well.

“But I’ve given you so much, how dare you say that about me!”

They can exhaust themselves in giving to get and take on a persona of the perpetual martyr.

tim-mossholder-414902-unsplash It is very difficult for a Two to stop the “giving to get” approach to love. As children, they were either taught or absorbed the idea that if they presented their need to be loved, it would be rejected. During their formative years, a message was enforced that in order to be loved you must repress who you are and focus on others. Twos are quite often unaware of their own needs—and afraid that if they do express their needs to another, the need will be unmet. And if it is met, what about next time? Is this a safe relationship in which my needs will always be met? And round and round they go!

Also, this type of giving to get approach works for them—but only a surface level. They see how admired and needed they are. They are affirmed and adored. And what will happen if they stop? It’s pure terror for a Two to stop giving because it opens them up to the worst possible scenario—of not being loved for exactly who they are.

Richard Rohr says the path toward vibrant life for a Two is an intention to: “[Set] other people free and be thankful for the intimacy and attention that is possible in relationships. Mature Twos are glad when people about who they were once concerned go their own way in freedom.”

It is then that Twos become the best kind of helpers, the ones who give joyfully to both themselves and other people. They are the bearers of grace, gratitude, and abundant hearts.

Are you a Type Two? Would you like to be interviewed for the Enneagram Paths Blog? Please fill out the form on the contact page. I’d love to hear from you.

*Photos by Dakota Corbin , Inês Pimentel & Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Deep Dive into the Mind of a Five

Posted on March 14, 2018March 12, 2018 by melissakircher

finn-gross-maurer-452328-unsplash Today, I’d love to welcome a guest blogger, Samantha Greenberg, who I had the good fortune of connecting with via Twitter. We found we share some life experiences, not the least of which is the fact that we’re both Type Fives! Sam is a researcher, currently pursuing her Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology and she was kind enough to answer some of my nerdy questions about her work and how she interacts with the world as an Enneagram Five.

1. So, Sam, as a woman Five do you tend to get along with men or women better?

Men! For sure, hands down. For my whole life, I’ve had male friends and an easier time bonding with men, including my childhood. Post-puberty, I often relied on flirting to make social connections with men because I found it easier than forming deeper friendships. I’ve always felt awkward and like I’m not good at conversations, but I find men easy to predict. The conversations and interactions are more formulaic which makes interacting easier. I don’t have trouble navigating emotions necessarily if it’s clear what the emotions are, but women seem more likely to have a complex or multi-layered set of emotions at once.

It’s interesting that I’ve never met another female Five because I know we are out there! I would be willing to bet most female Fives have an easier time relating to men and so it stands to reason we would be unlikely to meet one another.

2. How does being a Five impact your work? How do you move about in the world?

I’m a researcher which I see as the perfect Type Five job. I literally get to pursue curiosity for a living!

I work from home now, which was the best thing to ever happen to my mental health. I prefer to be alone to a fault, to the point that I can become too isolated. My challenge in an office environment was always how to find enough alone time, but these days my challenge is making sure I connect with people enough.

3. Do you think people take your ideas and thoughts and general Five-ness less seriously because you are a woman?

Yes, for sure. Mant things men are encouraged to do, I find I’m discouraged from doing. I was encouraged not to pursue aPh.D.D and not to quit my “stable” job at a non-profit even though I was unhappy. There’s this idea that women shouldn’t be taking risks, whether intellectually, financially, etc., because that’s male territory.

I’ve found academia to be the most sexist space I’ve ever encountered, which is disheartening. I see women in my Ph.D. program passed over and ignored while the men are fawned over—even though we’re in psychology which is a female-dominated field. Also, since women are generally bearing more of a burden at home and with family, almost all of the attrition (def: the action or process of gradually reducing the strength or effectiveness of someone or something through sustained attack or pressure) from my program has been from women. I get along well with the men because I am comfortable with the type of bare-knuckled intellectual sparing they seem to like. But we have a lot of conversations about how feminine approaches to scholarship are marginalized. The worst of it is that I have had male professors and several male Ph.D. students tell me not to pursue my dissertation interests. I’m aiming to make a significant contribution to the literature, so my intended topic will be a lot of work and also an intellectual and academic risk. It’s a risk I’m comfortable taking, but from men, I get this sort of, “Oh honey, you can’t possibly take on this silly project, you don’t know what research is really about.”

4. As a feminist and a Type Five, have you investigated the patriarchy and how it lifts up intellectual men but not women? (I—Melissa—have been SO intrigued by the Divine Feminine and how religion has embraced patriarchy as the “Godly” way—thus repressing women who would be great leaders, thinkers, and do-ers.)

Yes!!! This!! As with many gender double-standards, intellectual men are considered “interesting,” “brilliant,” “exceptional,” and intellectual women are “full of themselves,” “ugly,” and any number of other terrible things. I think this comes from the cultural equating of women’s worth with their looks. I’ve always been kind of a “nutty professor” type of person to where I’m losing my glasses and forgetting to comb my hair. Intellectual men are allowed to be this way and it is even considered attractive, but intellectual women are expected to be put together, attractive, submissive on top of being smart.

In terms of religion, you are absolutely right. I’m working on a paper now about how women were essential to the development of spiritual traditions, but are mostly uncredited. The surviving spiritual texts from most traditions were entirely written by men (even though in many cases the ideas were co-opted from women) so of course, they’re filtered through a male lens. This is the only reason, in my opinion, that many traditions refer to a male God.

5. How do you turn off your brain? How do you relax?

Emotions help to get out of my head. I feel grateful for my strong Four wing, which allows me to become absorbed in my emotions. I can go into my emotions almost at will through listening to certain music or writing poetry. I know feelings aren’t easy for Fives, but they are sometimes a welcome change from the constant thinking and analyzing.

Dance is another primary way for me to get out of my head and into my body. I went through a significant mental health recovery period in my later twenties where I spent time with meditation, yoga, somatic awareness. So at this point, I am pretty good at recognizing when the brain needs to stop. When it does, I try to draw my awareness down into my body. Embodied awareness is great for this and it also helps me sleep. The trouble with being a Five is that sometimes just moving the body isn’t enough. Like today I took a walk to “take a break,” but wasn’t conscious of where my attention was during the walk. I ended up with my brain/mind wandering the whole time and was more tired after the walk than before.

6. Have you found ways to move out of the Five stance and utilize the Arrows toward Seven and Eight in integration? (Using Seven behaviors in stress as a tool for self-awareness.)

The main way I integrate into an Eight direction is to focus on embodiment. If I get out of my head and into my body and trust myself, I automatically feel and project this confidence and assertiveness that feels totally foreign to my Five self. In terms of going to Seven in stress, I have noticed the tell-tale signs that this is happening—a very messy living space, lost keys, wallet etc.—and then I know I’ve been in my head too much. In that case, I will very deliberately work to get out of my head via meditation, yoga, taking a walk, or anything I can think of.

6. Do you find it hard to listen to other people talk or even teach because they can’t seem to communicate in a succinct manner?

I used to. I’m pretty chatty/friendly at this point because I’ve been socialized that way, so I understand when people take a roundabout way to their point. However, if someone’s speech is disorganized or they don’t have a point at all, I’m not able to even process what they’re saying. The thing that confuses and bothers me the most with communication is when people say something subtly or don’t say exactly what they mean. If someone is trying to be subtle I either completely miss the message or get confused/angry that the person can’t be direct. I think this comes up most with accommodating types like Twos and Nines who tend to talk around their point.

7. Are you married or a mom or dating? How does being a Five impact your intimate relationships?

I am not married or a parent at this point. Dating isn’t a priority currently, but I date casually when the mood strikes. I think I have often subconsciously used intimate relationships and dating as a way to fulfill my need for connection and socialization. As mentioned earlier, I find men easier to predict and interact with. If I am interested in socializing, it is easier for me to date than to try to make friends. This is coming up for me a lot recently because I would like to move away from dating for that reason and I’m realizing that places a greater responsibility on me to form social bonds with women.

My intimate relationships in the past have tended towards one of two extremes. In one extreme I’m with a person more passive than me (such as Enneagram Type Fours or Nines), who is understanding of my quirky, introverted ways, but the power is overly imbalanced in my direction. On the other extreme, I’ve been with people more assertive than me (Threes and Eights), who challenge me to be more assertive myself, but I feel like they don’t understand or respect my quirky Five ways. Interestingly, as I integrate more I am more interested in dating Eights, who used to intimidate me to the point that I avoided them entirely. But now a healthy Eight reflects my growth direction and I find more in common with them.

Sam E. Greenberg is a writer and researcher, currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology. Her research interests include: human sexuality and relationships, personality theory and ego structures (including the Enneagram!), psychospiritual wellness, social power dynamics, and mechanisms for addressing implicit bias. In her “spare” time, Samantha enjoys dancing, traveling, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her inscrutable dog, Luna.

You can find her on twitter @IntroverteDiva

*Photos by Atharva Tulsi & Ryan Johns & Finn Gross Maurer on Unsplash

What Are Wings?

Posted on March 12, 2018March 7, 2018 by melissakircher

“If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent them from growing.” ― Coco Chanel

Each Enneagram number has two Wings. The wings are the numbers on either side of each number, therefore it would be impossible for a Type Seven to have a One-wing. A Seven would have either an Eight-wing or a Six-wing—or possibly both. There are some schools of thought that say a person will have one dominant wing in the first part of their life and switch to the other wing in the second part of their life.

What is the point of wings? Many people find them confusing, but actually, wings help clarify Types. They help students of the Enneagram become increasingly specific about the ways in which a person moves about in the world.

According to Riso & Hudson on page 69 of The Wisdom of the Enneagram, “Wings help us to individualize the nine (more general) types of the Enneagram. Each wing is a subtype of the general type. Knowing the wing enables us to narrow down the issues that we must face on the [path to self-knowledge].”

One thing to remember is that a wing does not change a number, rather its characteristics are serving the purposes of the basic Type. The wing operates to further the drive of the Type number.

For example, a Type Three with a Two-wing (3w2) in health will tend to look like a regular Three but with a dose of Two charm and helpfulness. The Two-wing brings a concern for others plus generosity. 3w2’s are excellent in mentoring and coaching. They are more seductive Threes. They tend to be highly popular from a young age as the Two-wing brings a dose of heart. The Two-wing helps the Three to be keenly perceptive about what is going on with other people, they become more sensitive and caring for the needs and feelings of others. A 3w2 in health will be more extroverted, expressive, talkative, and enthusiastic than a 3w4.

A Type Thee with a Four-wing (3w4) will have a different energy and body language—more of an inward orientation. The Four brings a curiosity about the Three’s inner life and spirituality. They are attracted to the meaning of life, becoming less materialistic and more introspective. A 3w4 will prefer more independent activities, be quieter, and speak with fewer words. Because of their search for depth and meaning, they can more easily move away from the Three projected “successful” image. They will have the ability to present themselves in a more authentic way. The Four-wing can bring a more creative orientation, expressing feelings through the arts. A 3w4 will have a certain elegance, show good taste, appreciate beauty, and have a well-developed aesthetic.

Both are Type Threes. Their wings serve to lead the Three, and others, into a deeper understanding of their internal motivations and exterior behavior in a fine-tuned way.

To reiterate, “…your wing is the ‘second side’ of your personality, and it must be taken into consideration to better understand yourself or someone else. For example, if you are a personality type Nine, you will likely have either a One-wing or an Eight-wing, and your personality as a whole can best be understood by considering the traits of the Nine as they uniquely blend with the traits of either the One or the Eight.” (The Enneagram Insititute, Wings)

Wings reveal a particular shade in the rainbow of humanity.

What are your questions about wings? Leave a comment below or email me through the contact page!

*Photos by Roan Lavery & Harry Quan on Unsplash

Type One: Body Language and Speaking Style

Posted on March 5, 2018March 3, 2018 by melissakircher

agence-producteurs-locaux-damien-kuhn-97746-unsplash “Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” ― Augustine of Hippo

“One minute was enough, Tyler said, “A person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

A Type One on the Enneagram is often called “The Perfectionist” because of their constant inner voice that sees everything as black and white; perfect and imperfect. The attention of the One in autopilot goes to any perceived imperfection. They notice the two percent failure of a job done ninety-eight percent well. This hyper-focus on what needs to be changed or made perfect can push them to become unbalanced. They become hyper-critical of themselves and others, arrogant in their idea of their own rightness, and excessively judgmental.

Ones often struggle with anger as a secondary emotion; their primary emotion being whatever the One felt immediately before feeling angry. For instance, a Republican father talking to his Democratic son about politics. He sees his son’s views as dangerous and he becomes anxious and worried that his son is supporting the “wrong” ideas. The One father will not express the anxiety or worry, but his tone of voice gets louder, he becomes tenser, and he begins to show lots of anger as he talks. Eventually, he gets so angry he has to walk away from the conversation, without ever paying attention to his primary emotions of anxiety and worry.

When encountering a Type One you will hardly ever see their anger but you can detect in it their body language. They will hold themselves erect, spine straight, and have stiff arms and legs. They will often punctuate their words with sharp hand gestures near their face.

Type Ones will generally have very neat appearances. Their shirts will be tucked in, their hair combed, and everything will be ironed.

Their gazes will be piercing and unwavering and their mouths downturned or in a thin straight line. They clench their teeth. You will frequently observe Ones engage in “deep sighing” during difficult conversations. The One is angered but feels that anger is not a correct emotion to express. Anger is sinful, or not moral, or not how a proper citizen should act, therefore they repress their anger—but it builds up much like a volcano builds up heat and lava and steam. A deep sigh is a way for the One to vent their steam, to let a bit of their anger out in an unconscious way.

When a One speaks their tone will be forceful and intimidating. They love to engage in dialogue about topics where they feel there is a right or wrong outcome. They want to debate to get to the truth, tending to focus on subjects like rules, procedures, obligations, responsibilities, flaws, operations, and mistakes.

jpeg Giorgio Locatelli from Britain’s Big Family Cooking Showdown is the perfect example of a One. He literally prowls about the set, his brown eyes like lasers as he stares into the camera or the poor trembling cooks. He expects perfection he says, and nearly growls, “but I also am looking to see that they’re having fun!” Cooking must be fun for families and Giorgio is there to scare that fun into them whether they like it or not. He is quick to judge a dish “a shame” when it doesn’t come out absolutely perfect and it’s almost painful to watch the family cooks wilt under his harsh criticisms.

When Ones can quiet the inner critic they access their Type Seven tendencies: they become winsome and engaging, drawing on a sense of humor to lighten conversations. Joy, fun, and pleasure become part of their experiences as they accept the imperfection of life. They relax a bit and contribute intuitiveness and an innate sense of the natural order of things, but they don’t impose these ideals, they are content to live out wisdom and rightness in their own lives and accept the humanity of others. They allow others to be on their own path. They offer discerning insights to problems when they are in health and can become wise advisors.

Other Famous Ones: Harrison Ford, Emma Thompson, Hilary Clinton

The Spiritual Enneagram – Part I

Posted on March 2, 2018March 1, 2018 by melissakircher

“You who want knowledge, seek the Oneness within. There you will find the clear mirror already waiting.” – Hadewijch II

aaron-burden-43435-unsplash “Once upon a time, in a not-so-far-away land, there was a kingdom of acorns, nestled at the foot of a grand old oak tree. Since the citizens of the kingdom were modern, fully Westernized acorns, they went about their business with purposeful energy; and since they were midlife, baby-boomer acorns, they engaged in a lot of self-help course. There were seminars called “Getting All You Can out of Your Shell.” There were woundedness and recovery groups for acorns who had been bruised in their original fall from the tree. There were spas for oiling and polishing those shells and various acornopathic therapies to enhance longevity and well-being.

One day in the midst of this kingdom there suddenly appeared a knotty little stranger, apparently dropped “out of the blue” by a passing bird. He was capless and dirty, making an immediate negative impression on his fellow acorns. And crouched beneath the oak tree, he stammered out a wild tale. Pointing upward at the tree, he said, “We…are…that!”

Delusional thinking, obviously, the other acorns concluded, but one of them continued to engage him in conversation: “So tell us, how would we become that tree?” “Well,” he said, pointing downward, “it has something to do with going into the ground …and cracking open the shell.”

“Insane,” they responded. “Totally morbid! Why, then we wouldn’t be acorns anymore.” -(Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, pg. 39)

The roots of the Enneagram are spiritual and spiritually diverse. To incorporate its knowledge as part of your spiritual growth journey, it’s helpful to understand that we are all human beings and as such, not everything about our personalities fits inside one single construct. That being said, the Enneagram is a wonderful tool for spiritual growth as it shows us we are not our numbers.

There is a divine spark inside the human, a true self; a place of infinite peace and love untouched by trauma and darkness. This is the real, authentic self.

kai-dorner-150694-unsplash Our numbers are simply the patterns of behavior and thought and interactions with the world that we developed in our formative years to survive. There were certain things lacking that were necessary for our optimal health and growth, and we did not receive them—thus we adapted to the lack and created a personality or Type. To grow as spiritual human beings we must “shake off the limiting outer shell of our personality and grow into all that we were meant to be.” (Chestnut) We realize that we are from the oak tree (God/Universe) and we are imbued with the possibility of tree (God/Universe) and given time, have the ability to transform from acorns into oak trees (God/Universe).

*Quick clarification – there are different schools of thought about God. One, that humans are actually divine (God), or that there is a spark/piece/indwelling of the divine in each person, or that God is more of a construct for the creative energy of the universe. For reasons of inclusiveness, we accept all theories.

The Enneagram uses the dynamic nature of the nine numbers to invite all of us on a journey of personal, relational, and spiritual transformation. It is a journey we will travel over and over and over again throughout our lives.

*Photos by Aaron Burden & Kai Dörner on Unsplash

Features of a Type Three – Basic

Posted on February 28, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

rawpixel-com-274858-unsplash “The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.”-–Vince Lombardi

An Enneagram Type Three is often called the Achiever or the Motivator. They are in the dead center of the Heart Triad and yet are the most disconnected from their own emotional life because they don’t have a Body or Head wing to help pull them out of autopilot.

Type Threes focus on success as a way to achieve the love and admiration they think they’re incapable of receiving as their authentic self. The main motivation towards relentless doing and succeeding is the underlying fear of being worthless. They want to feel accepted and desired in an unconditional way.

When Threes are at their healthiest they have a sense of their own worth and so are able to access their emotions more freely. They connect to their heart. They are high energy and can then use their big hearts to be passionate about motivating others to achieve goals. Healthy Threes also work to accomplish worthwhile goals; things that help others and contribute to the good of the world. They become team players and aid their team in the journey to success. They get things done, but in a way that is realistic and paced, making sure to create time for rest. They stop seeing others as extensions of themselves and their projected image and incorporate healthy boundaries into their daily life.

When Type Threes move into autopilot their attention is focused on both being successful and appearing successful, and all their boundless energy flows in this direction. jordan-whitfield-112404-unsplash They can obsessively succeed in any area of life: relationships, work, or as a parent or spouse, but usually, they tend to focus on work. They want to be seen as prestigious and professional and so they will work until they drop (and maybe never drop). They will achieve goals and complete tasks in a fast-paced and efficient manner.

They also want to physically look successful so they will be very conscious of their image, and the way in which they talk. They will adapt their mannerisms and speaking style to any circumstance or person and project whatever image is necessary to succeed in the given moment. They are highly magnetic and engaging—like a salesperson. But they can also be perceived as robotic by those close to them who sniff out their inauthentic posturing.

Path of Integration (Health): Type Three takes on positive characteristics of Type Six.

Become more group focused. They work towards the interest of the whole rather than promoting their own agendas.
Think through potential risks and dangers. They are more cautious and less likely to act impulsively in order to achieve fast results.
Instead of acting superior, they begin to show a softer, more self-deprecating, humorous side.
More spontaneous. Less attached to specific outcomes and able to be authentically engaged in the moment.

Path of Disintegration (Stress): Type Three takes on negative characteristics of Type Nine.

Emotional disengagement becomes more pronounced. They begin to shut down, becoming increasingly insensitive to problems and passive-aggressive with others.
In the face of failure, they begin to numb themselves either with hyperactivity (doing and accomplishing LOTS of things) or with inaction and substances (TV, Food, Reading, Alcohol).
Check out of life. Energy levels plummet and they become stagnant and unmoving. They will say things like, “I don’t care.”
They can seem fuzzy and unfocused, their attention is easily diverted.

Childhood Wounds

“Type Threes as children often have a well-spring of pent-up anger and hostility because [they feel] nothing they do is enough to please their unhealthy nurturing figure. Children Threes often play the role of Family Hero.” –The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson, pg. 154

*Photos by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash & rawpixel.com on Unsplash