Heart Center » Enneagram Paths Coaching

Type 3: Interview with Drew Moser

Posted on December 7, 2018December 5, 2018 by melissakircher

When I started this blog I figured it’d be a chill, fun way to offload some of my Type Five constant brain activity! I love the Enneagram and am super enthusiastic about the ways in which it leads us down paths of growth and change. I’ll still be doing nerdy, information posts, I promise! But… it’s been an amazing life/blog twist to begin to interview people. I’ve found you all are SO interesting. I’m excited to be able to provide a place for people to share about their Type and lives—a meeting spot where we can learn from each other about the Enneagram. Thank you to the 30+ people who responded to this last open call, and I can’t wait to hear about your unique life experiences. -Melissa

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

Today I’d like to welcome Dr. Drew Moser, an author, dean, professor, and an Enneagram Type Three. So happy to have you! Let’s get into it.

Life as a Type Three:

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I’m always prone to viewing life as one big “to-do” list. At times, it’s been to my advantage. It allows me to live a life motivated and inspired. It fueled my graduate work while having a young, large family (my wife and I have five kids). It’s fueled my writing while also working full time. That said, it’s hard for me as a Three to turn off, slow down, and be present in the moment. Without intentional work, practice, and effort, I easily look to what’s next and miss the beauty of what’s in the here and now.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

I deeply resonate with Hurley and Donson’s work on the intelligence centers of the Enneagram, specifically within stances (Hornevian Groups). Their work has helped me understand an often confusing element of Threes. Firmly planted in the Heart Triad with Twos and Fours, Threes are paradoxically quite detached from their emotional center. We tend to start with the Heart Center, but quickly detach from it—or misuse it—and let the gut and head take over. Here’s how this looks practically: I can enter a room with a group of people and fairly quickly (and accurately) read the room. I can generally tell emotional states, social standing, etc. Instead of letting that knowledge turn to empathy, which would be a proper use of our heart center, I let it turn to strategy (head and gut). Thinking and doing crowd out the heart. I’m working more intentionally to allow my Heart Center to play a more authentic role in my decision making. There’s a wisdom to the emotional space within us, and I have to work very intentionally to cultivate it.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

When I’m stressed and not handling it well, I find myself in the space of an unhealthy stereotype of Type Nine. My decisiveness wanes, my normal drive to achieve disappears, and I procrastinate. I struggle to do the very thing that needs to be done, often busying myself with other less important tasks. I then tend to withdraw from my relationships as an escape rather than rest.

When I’m flourishing, I see myself embodying much of what is so great about Type Six. I’m employing my skills and talents for the sake of the people I care about. I’m actively engaged in my relationships, looking to them for support and guidance (not natural for a Three), and my relationships are more authentic and less strategic.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

When I was younger, my chameleon-like tendencies were more pronounced. My ability and willingness to shapeshift to maintain image and status was very evident. The Enneagram has truly helped me recognize that left unchecked, I’m prone to fake it until I fake myself. As a Three, I’m still good at adapting to a room, but I’m trying to do this mindfully and more appropriately. Having a more authentic and clear sense of who I am has been very helpful.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

Beneath the striving and the image-consciousness is a deep desire for value and worth. Threes, at the core, want to be loved for who they are, not what they do. But, we too often settle for achieving to impress. The thought of being ourselves without our accomplishments is scary for Threes . . . but also liberating.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I honestly don’t strongly identify with a Two or Four Wing. If I had to choose, my career has been marked by a strong helping bent (I’m in education, after all), so I think I’ve employed my 2w more. I like the notion that we can reach to our Wings for growth, and the thought of developing a strong 4w is intriguing: creativity, uniqueness, deeper emotional presence, etc.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Gah! This really is everything for a Three. As I seek to live in this truth, I’m more aware of the people in my life who believe this to be true about me. Also, I’m more likely to steward my achieving tendencies toward things that are more authentic, pure, and void of common strategic angles.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Any spiritual practice that slows me down and the only expectation is to simply “be” is helpful. I’ve found centering prayer and imaginative reading practices such as lectio divinato to be good. I also find writing to be really beneficial. It narrows my focus, paces me down from my frenetic tendencies.

Additionally, I’ve incorporated some “ordinary practices” that become more sacred spaces for me. A year ago I purchased a record player. Listening to vinyl keeps me in the room, and the music becomes more about presence than it is for background noise. Also, I recently acquired a used, but broken hot tub. I fixed it up, and it’s now an important rhythm for me to slow down, quiet my mind and body, and just be. Such slow, reflective spaces are silly but profound.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

They show up most prominently through the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, my five children, and my closest friends. Through some previous trials and tragedies in our family, I’ve been able to be more honest with my feelings. As a Three, I’ll always have a tendency to suppress my emotional center. But life has a way of exposing this. It’s hard, but a good lesson to learn.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity – I think my younger self would’ve looked to others I admired for cues on how to be “authentic”. Now I know it’s within. Tending to my inner world is so important.

Be – The journey of growth for a Three (I can attest to this) is learning that we are human beings, not human doings. Learning to just “be” requires true presence void of the need for others to be impressed by what you do.

Pain – As a Type Three, my tendency is to avoid pain or dismiss it. Pain slows us down. But, I’ve learned that pain is a powerful teacher. It excavates the best and worst of us. Also, the pain-free life is an illusion, so we might as well steward our pain well.

Dr. Drew Moser is a writer, speaker, and consultant on vocation, the Enneagram, Millennials, and GenZ. He is a dean and professor at Taylor University (IN), and is the coauthor of Ready or Not: Leaning into Life in Our Twenties. He lives with his wife and five kids in Upland, Indiana.

Website: www.drewmoser.com

Instagram: @drewmoser

Twitter: @drewmoser

The View from a Two: Rev Marcy Bain

Posted on October 8, 2018October 5, 2018 by melissakircher

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“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

―Shannon L. Alder

Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I have had a week! In our corner of the world, it has been raining and raining so torrentially that my house has flooded twice. Oh, and our contractor quit after yelling at me so much he made me cry (what a freaking GEM!), and a pipe leaked, and my first floor has no walls or carpet or anything. This self-preservation Five has had to let go in a major way and deep breathe into realizing people matter and not things. I’ve learned me some stuff this week, ya’ll!

And in the spirit of education, today we’re learning from an interesting, wise, and very self-actualized Type Two, the Rev Marcy Bain! Welcome, Marcy and thank you so much for being part of the Enneagram Paths interview series, where we discover the intricacy of Type by hearing from each other.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

This is a gift and a challenge. Among my partner & my immediate family, I have a reputation of being the best gift giver around the holidays. I will remember something that someone said that they wanted in February, and it will show up under their Christmas tree in December. My partner would say that being with me is a little bit like living in a romantic comedy. I can be extremely present to people and dialed into other people’s wants and needs. It’s a profound source of joy for me when I can successfully meet someone’s needs, and that comes from such a genuine place in me. I love grand gestures. I love small things that communicate caring. Whether I’ve given my partner a $5 flower bundle from Trader Joe’s or I’m surprising her with a grand romantic weekend where I’ve painstakingly laid out an itinerary of 72 hours of bliss—I love all of it. I love seeing her light up. I love it when the people in my life feel loved and cared for by me.

The other gift is that I’m something of a human bullshit detector. When someone says they’re fine—I know when they’re lying to me. When someone is engaging in social engineering or manipulating or otherwise presenting a different self externally then what is happening under the surface for them, I’m also going to pick up on that quickly.

On the challenging side, it’s emotionally exhausting for me to be around people who present a different face externally than what is really going on for them internally. I really struggle with that. When I see a dissonance between someone’s “external” and “internal” states, sometimes I will take the initiative to try to help, fix, or love someone when they haven’t invited me to do so. And hanging back and waiting for the invitation to speak into someone’s life can be a struggle for me sometimes.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I’ve gotten so much better at setting boundaries and taking time for my own self-care. I don’t really burn my candle at both ends anymore, I sleep and eat well, and I say “no” to all kinds of things now both personally and professionally.

Initially, Type Two’s are not rewarded for setting these kinds of boundaries. Our friends and families know us as yes people. So, we are often over utilized. We get ourselves into patterns with people where our relationships are one-sided. We give our time/money/emotional labor, and those things are not reciprocated to us. It used to be that I was at my wit’s end before I’d say no. And if people pressed me beyond my natural limits by encouraging me to do something when I’d already said no, I would see that as an unforgivable boundary violation. I would be so angered by that boundary violation that it would automatically end relationships. By that time I got to that point, there were several other things I should have said no to along the way.

The Catch 22 is that as a Type Two, I fully endorsed, consented, and allowed this relational pattern to develop. As Twos, we have to own and take responsibility for changing it. It’s brave work when you start saying no—because a lot of people are going to exit relationships or distance themselves from you when the one-sided giving goes away. You talk to any Two, and a big part of their personal growth will involve sustaining relationship loss as they tighten up their boundaries. For a long time, my thinking was that I will give generously and from my depths to everyone that crosses my path. I will give people more than they ask or expect of me. And subconsciously I was banking favors with them. When I’m healthy—I truly do love giving to others. But my thinking was that when I’m really in need, or I’m in a bad place, and I need support or care, I’m now going to be able to turn to all these different people, and they’re going to give just as much of themselves to me as I gave to them.

And what I’ve had to learn over time is that this isn’t true. If there isn’t a natural give and take pattern established from day one of a relationship onward, that pattern isn’t magically going to appear when you’re in a lot of pain or when you need support from others.

It was helpful to me to identify that the specific place in my life where I have time/energy/emotional labor to offer unconditionally is in my professional role as a Rev. That is the place that I elect to give to others and caretake for others. When I revert to an interpersonal relationship—my preference is a more even-keel give & take relationship. And because of that, I’m much more disciplined and discerning now about where and in what roles I give my energies to people, how much I give to people, and I make that output proportional to the dynamic that exists in my personal relationships.

3. Talk to us about being a Two in the military? You mentioned you are often read as a Type Eight? Why do you think this is?

Working for the military has taught me to function in a Type Eight mode as a skill set rather than as a move to stress. My day job is to monitor financial compliance issues with corporations and to enforce penalties when they are not compliant. So basically, all day every day if I’m calling your company, you have gone astray. I handle minor violation to things that may have risen to the level of fraud, and I get all manner of resistance and bullshit nonsense or excuses from corporations as I interact in my job. My day job is to engage in conflict. And the end result is that I had to learn to function as a Type Eight initially for survival, but later it became a primary mode of who I am. I really value being able to be assertive, and direct, and forthright with people and companies.

Some people enjoy conflict. Some people stir up conflict on purpose. I am not that person. I don’t thrive on conflict, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. But I definitely am not afraid of it. In my interpersonal relationships, I also have seen the benefit of working through conflict and coming to an understanding with people. That is so positive and so powerful for growth. Some of my best and most creative relationships are ones that have overcome an initial conflict. The people that pose the most challenges to us also have the potential to be great friends and the people who spur us on in our deepest growth. But both people have to have that mindset. And both people have to want to come to the table in humility and learn from each other for that to be true.

As a leader, I welcome and invite people to directly name conflict with me. I want to know what stumbling blocks exist for me as a leader, and I want to have an honest conversation about what’s going well or where I might have growing edges to overcome. Again, if two people genuinely care about each other and are committed to each other’s flourishing, the growth that sits on the other side of conflict is so powerful.

4. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two?

I have a Three Wing. And at its best, the interplay between the Type Two and Three Wing makes me extremely passionate in the pursuit of my own goals, and also deeply compassionate to others along the way. In other words, I don’t want to succeed at someone else’s expense. I want all boats around me to rise. That’s a personal core value. I want to succeed in a manner that I bring a lot of others along with me. I want everyone who crosses my path to have gained something positive from their time with me—whether they’re in my life for only a season or whether they go the distance of a lifetime. I want to have drawn out their deepest gifts and harnessed and released them to their full potential.

5. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

Yes, I absolutely did learn this in my formative years. Chronic health issues existed in my immediate family, and a few individuals in my extended family had dealt with substance abuse issues. And my role in my immediate and extended family was always to be the one who had it together so as not to add additional stress on the system. And my second role was to be a caretaker to others. I was praised for not having too many needs. At my healthiest, I do love giving to others. I am a deep well. And it’s incredibly rewarding for me when I can offer something that empowers or inspires someone else to be the best version of themselves.

But the truth is that the older I get, the more I prefer to relegate my giving activities to my professional role as a Rev. And when I move into interpersonal relationships, I expect a more reciprocal or mutual relationship of give & take.

6. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

To be truly known by others. I process most events in my life verbally. So, people who become present to me, and engage in active listening. Mutual vulnerability and shared risk in the relationship. I like to joke that I’m an hour-long coffee chat in a world geared toward 240 characters of Twitter. And I say that as a joke, but I’m really not joking. There are so many complex parts and pieces to me. I can’t be known in a series of tweets, and actually, no one can. Social media is a powerful tool that can bring people together. You can meet like-minded souls. You can network. You can make real friends on social media. But virtual realities are not the same things as reality. We don’t live inside our computers or our Facebook pages.

The disruptive grace and the gift that I bring into any space is that as a bisexual spiritually progressive Rev from an Evangelical faith background who fell in love with a disabled unitarian female partner—and as a woman who works for the military during the day but advocates for peace and non-violence in the evening—I have a lot going on. I have many pieces of self to integrate and bring together. I have an incredible ability to be a cultural translator across any number of divides. In a world that strives to reduce things to their simplest parts or present one-dimensional realities, which social media often does, it’s hard for me to function sometimes. I feel like a disembodied self. Or like I’m being asked to split into selves to fit this niche or that group. So, I do the opposite, trying to draw out the complexity in people. My preference is for long-form exchanges and conversations. I always say that I can break bread and find something amazing about anyone. My interest is to move toward deep knowledge of people.

7. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Experiencing the world through emotion means that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my various relationships with people and the state of those relationships. I’m not someone who compartmentalizes well. If I have a conflict with someone or a trouble spot in the relationship—I will struggle with runaway thoughts about the conflict that are hard for me to reign in and can’t move about my day.

I’ve had to learn coping skills that allow me to prioritize my emotional energy/labor. For example, a conflict with a relative I see once every ten years needs to be assigned a different level of priority in my life than a conflict with an immediate family member or my partner or others who are part of my day-to-day life. And it took a few years of therapy for me to recognize that. Everybody shouldn’t be assigned equal priority. In a Type Two’s bid to love everyone, we can lose sight of this. Everyone isn’t my family. Everybody doesn’t deserve the same amount of my time/energy/attention as my partner. Everybody isn’t my best friend of thirty-plus years. And this lesson has been hard to take hold.

Regarding my body—I feel extremely connected to my body when I am in states of pleasure. I would say that I don’t notice my body all that much in the humdrum normal moments of life, and as a coping mechanism, I actively disconnect from my body and bodily sensations when I’m in extreme stress. So, other people are more likely to see the physical manifestations of stress in me before I am able to see it in myself.

8. What do the words true-self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self. Getting to know my true self is a lifelong quest. For me personally, the true self isn’t a fixed point. I am the me that I am today at age forty, and she is different than the me I was at ten, twenty, and thirty—but all of those versions of self have had a hand in shaping this version of self. True self is an ongoing project and an evolutionary state. I find the quest of making space for a self to learn and grow and change a deeply rewarding quest. I hope to spend my whole life living into all of my questions and inviting others to join me on the journey. My main mediums for exploring the self are: art & creative disciplines, spirituality, and psychology.

Rage. Rage is a tricky one. I am often not in touch with my own sense of anger. And I usually have to be in a state something close to rage for me to recognize that I’m angry at all. So, the way this can sometimes manifest itself in a relationship is that something that’s bothering me will stew for a very long time, and if I make bids for this conflict to be addressed—and other people blow me off or diminish the seriousness of my request—I’ll try to push it back down instead of advocating for myself. Eventually, if I can’t deny it or push something down anymore, I’ll erupt. My partner has quickly learned that I don’t get angry often, but when I do get genuinely angry, I stay in that state for a long time. I’m slow to be moved to the point of anger but also slow to return to a steady state and calm back down as well.

Voice. For me, voice is another exciting aspect of self that changes over time. And my goal in all settings is to offer people my authentic voice. My mediums for communicating my voice are: art, spirituality, and public and performance-oriented settings. For me, there is a decisively public aspect to voice. It’s not enough for me to just know my own voice, there’s an impulse in me to share my voice as a gift to and for others. And one of the things I find most rewarding is if my voice can encourage, inspire, or empower someone else to develop and share their own voice too.

Marcy Professional Picture Rev Marcy Bain is an ordained Presbyterian Minister, a Govt civil servant, and owner/founder of Holy Shift LLC a consulting business that serves faith organizations, companies, and individuals. Holy Shift is about harnessing the spiritual and creative potential intrinsically flowing through all of us and living into our fullness in every sphere of our personal, professional, or organizational lives.

Twitter: @Holyshiftdayton & @Birevgal
IG: @HolyShiftDayton
Facebook: @RevMarcyBain

*Photo by Lina Silivanova on Unsplash

The View From a Two: Brittany Straub

Posted on September 10, 2018September 6, 2018 by melissakircher

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“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

Today on Enneagram Paths we have Brittany Straub, an awesomely inked lady (check out the picture of her sleeve below) who also happens to be an Enneagram Type 2w3. Just as a reminder, Don Riso and Russ Hudson — Enneagram gurus — roughly define Type Twos as people who, “are either the most genuinely helpful to others or, when less healthy, the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful… The love and concern they feel — and the genuine good they do — warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile.” Twos are generally concerned with emotions, relationships, and finding love/deep connection.

Welcome, Brittany, we’re so excited to hear from you! Thank you for such insightful responses, I know I learned a good deal about you and being a Two from all you’ve shared.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

Sometimes it feels like I can look at someone and they are begging for help through their smiles. I like to think that when I notice it, it is real, but it isn’t always. There are times that I have been completely off in regards to what that person needed or wanted. In those times I find myself still looking for clues because there’s no way they wouldn’t need me.

Before I was aware that I was a Type Two, and what that meant, I thought I really had my stuff together, and people really trusted me. However, on the flip side, I now realize that most of the time I was pushing myself on people; even some who truly did not want or need anything. And what makes it worse, I wasn’t actually helping to benefit them. It was all for self-gratification so I could say they needed me. I love black sheep — I am one —and I love making another black sheep feel like they belong even more.

Fast forward to today… I still feel like I can “read” people, especially those struggling with something, but instead of prying until I’m allowed to intervene, I listen. I’ve found that just genuinely caring about someone will help us both.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made you feel happy and fulfilled?

This question comes at a very peculiar time for me. I’m recently divorced and have a ten-year-old son that I’m essentially raising on my own. I have NEVER been this kind of exhausted before. Lately, I find myself searching for just a second of silence so that I can do absolutely nothing. I feel like if I were to take any extra time for just myself, then some aspect of my life would unravel. I can’t even go shopping for myself without putting everything for me back and replacing it with something for someone else. I latch onto the sense that I’m not the center of attention and someone else (my son especially) deserves that attention that I almost thought about giving myself.

Being a single parent adds a lot of different layers to this. There will be judgment from family members or people surrounding me that feels like I’m pushing my child aside if I take even one night to go out with friends. This cycle has been very harmful. I’ve stated this is a peculiar time because recently I’ve noticed that I feel like I’m drowning. I actually do need time to myself, for myself! And more importantly for my son. I think I’ll still struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve that free time, but I’m starting to recognize that it’s absolutely necessary for me to stay mentally healthy.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Absolutely everything that I do is centered around how I feel. My attitude is determined by the kind of love I feel I’ve received from the people most important to me that day. I’m a very emotional, passionate person, and I cannot hide how I feel, whether it be overly happy or the inevitable resting bitch face. (Can I say that? Melissa: yes you can!)

When my relationship is struggling, I struggle. But it’s not just struggling in one aspect of my life, it overflows into everything and will consume me until I can fix it. Usually, waiting is out of the question when there is a problem. I need to know I am loved, and everything will be okay almost immediately after an issue has been exposed and resolved.

I’m aware of my thoughts, and I’m always thinking. When I do feel my body, it’s when I’m at the very end of my rope, which usually means I just need sleep.

4. How do you deal with boundaries? Do you set boundaries for yourself? Do you feel like you respect the boundaries of others well?

Boundaries are the hardest thing in the world for me. They make me feel like I am untrustworthy or unwanted. I do have boundaries for myself, but they are easily crossed because I don’t want to upset anyone by letting them know I’m not comfortable with something. As far as other people’s boundaries go, I do feel like I respect them unless I feel disrespected, then EVERYTHING is out the window.

5. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

I do not like myself when I am stressed. I become the exact opposite of everything I believe myself to be, all of the inner self-work, therapy, meditation, prayers… all of it has zero impact on me and how I handle stressful situations. When stressed, I make people feel my presence because I have to be in control, I have to be strong, and I cannot ask for help.

When I am healthy, I am at peace. I strive to stay in that space. The kitchen can be a mess overnight, my son can go to sleep without taking a bath — it doesn’t matter. When healthy, I listen to people when they speak, and HEAR what they are saying. I’m soft around the edges, and easy-going. The struggle for control and power ceases. Honestly, when I feel loved and wanted, I willingly relinquish those things to the person I’m with. Being in control is something I consider myself to be good at, but it’s not what I want.

6. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two?

I have a 3 Wing. I feel like it exaggerates a lot of the self-gratification aspects of my personality/Type. I have to be successful, I have to achieve whatever it is I am set on doing. If I’m able to keep that drive focused on work or my family then great!! However, the 3 Wing energy usually ends up back on relationships, and then I become overbearing and smothering, needing to be right.

7. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

100%, absolutely, yes yes yes. I felt like to truly love someone you had to be willing to bleed out to that person. And if they would not do the same for you, then they could not possibly love you the same. If I loved someone enough, took care of them, paid their bills, cleaned their house, cooked for them, and prayed hard enough, then it would be reciprocated, and that person would, in turn, do those things for me — which is what I wanted to make me feel safe and secure.

8. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

Honestly, this has changed drastically for me very recently. I’ve always wanted someone to take care of me, to be “the man of the house”, be strong. I had all that, and it was the loneliest I’ve ever been — surrounded by people. I now want someone to look at me with affection, to tell me everything will be okay when I screw something up, and that they will be next to me to help me figure out how to fix it together. I want them to smile and be happy around me. Then I will know I’m loved and wanted and appreciated. I feel like I have the same requirements for me to feel secure in my own self. I need to know that when I walk into a room, people are happy to see me, trust me to do my job, and trust me with their thoughts/ feelings.

9. What do the words True Self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self: The me behind the thing… the me that doesn’t need to be needed, but is wanted, and not because I’m good at something. The me that is happy and silly and confident.

Rage: The absolute worst possible reaction, uncontrollable emotions/words/expressions. Nothing makes sense, talking in circles. The need to be right, and noticed. Unnecessarily irrational.

Voice: I don’t think I can answer this 100% just yet. It’s something I’m still working on. I am easily guided by external voices and influences, and listening to myself is proving to be very difficult.

10. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number?

I took the test probably six times praying that I would not be a Type Two! I was a Two every single time. I can tell you what I dislike about my number easily: I don’t like that I’m selfish with my actions, that my motivations are self-fulfilling, and that I’ll use my emotions to manipulate situations, so they are easier for me to navigate and be in control of.

I’m learning to love my number right now. I do genuinely care about people. I love that I am able to separate my need to be needed from their actual need of assistance. I’ve learned to love when someone comes to me for help! I appreciate being asked to do things now, instead of just doing them and then becoming upset because I wasn’t acknowledged for doing it in the first place.

Brittany is thirty-four and has a ten-year-old son Killian that looks just like her. She was in the Air Force for six years. She is now a nurse and manages an Orthopedic Surgery office. She’s been divorced for almost two years, which was when she started her sleeve 🙂 She has a boyfriend who is a Type 4w5 and sings like no one she’s ever heard before. You can connect with Brittany on social media at:

Facebook: facebook.com/brittanymariestraub

Instagram: @britt_straub

Twitter: @brittmstraub

*Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

Enneagram 2w1 vs. 2w3

Posted on July 23, 2018July 21, 2018 by melissakircher

Enneagram Type Twos are often called the Helpers. They have a desire to fulfill the needs of others; often in order to get their own buried needs met. They can sense emotions with clarity and precision and are in the Heart Triad, meaning they experience the world through the lens of feeling and relationships. They know you very well, but when healthy, also know themselves well, maintaining good boundaries and practicing self-care.

Type Two with a One Wing (2w1)

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In Integration:

Type 2w1s are the warm, generous, loving people you’d expect, with a shade of moral obligation and resolve thrown into the mix. Their desire to do good in the world and to meet the needs of others is amplified by the 1w motivation of correctness. Their generosity is often turned toward social justice and they truly wish to change the world for the better through their efforts. “They are often Good Samaritans, willing to take on thankless and unglamorous tasks that others generally avoid.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson, pg. 130) Type Twos are in the Heart Center Triad, but the 1w brings a measure of the Body Center. This is advantageous to the 2w1 because they have help processing their reality with body energy, more easily recognizing when their feelings threaten to overtake them. The 1w is also empowering, supplying the Type Two with a sense of physical presence and backbone.

In Stress/Disintegration:

In stress, the 2w1 experiences the drive for perfection of Type Ones. They still want to be needed and give, but the 1w makes them think that they know best. Often, 2w1s in stress will begin to impose their “help” onto other people, intruding into their lives in order to tell them the correct thing to do. They can often seem preachy, going on and on about what they perceive to be right — in your life, not theirs — and rub others the wrong way. 2w1s in stress can also struggle with severely judging themselves. Type Twos have trouble recognizing their own feelings and needs, and the 1w makes them further think that personal desire is somehow wrong or selfish. They toil away for others but often resent the fact they are not recognized for their work. In extreme duress, the 2w1 can even begin to neglect their bodies, melding together the body shame of Type Twos and the strive toward physical perfection of Type Ones. This can lead to bodily neglect, eating disorders, or extreme exercise regimens.

Type Two with a Three Wing (2w3)

In Integration:

2w3s are solidly in the Heart Triad, therefore they will be more good-humored and social than 2w1s. They will be more driven by their feelings (often unconscious) and the feelings of others. 2w3s seek security by trying to foster as many relationships as possible and by supporting those they love. Because they are innately more social, they have more socially pleasing manners than 2w1s—they are charismatic, alluring, chatty, versatile, adventurous, and generally pleasant to be around. They often like to be the host or hostess and gather people in their homes or out at parties. They want to offer all their good qualities and advice to others. It makes them feel good to give wholeheartedly of themselves and they do so to advance the experiences and lives of those they care about. They are less caretakers and more the attentive host.

In Stress/Disintegration:

2w3s in stress will find it challenging to see past overwhelming feelings; their entire reality will seem clouded by the feelings of others that they perceive so strongly and their own emotions that are repressed but bubble up from time to time. The fact that they lack a wing in a different Center/Triad makes self-awareness much more difficult. The influence of a Head or Body energy would help pull them out of their conditioned patterns of behavior. 2w3s will have to work extra hard to overcome autopilot. They might have more problems in relationships as they see the huge, self-sacrificing gift of their friendship as “enough”. They are sensitive and easily affronted by any criticisms directed their way because the Type Two has poured themselves out for another and the 3w cares about how they are perceived. Criticism is thus a double offense to their overinflated pride. 2w3s in stress can become arrogant, overbearing, authoritarian and are prone to bursts of anger.

Four on the Floor: Interview with Liz Johnson

Posted on June 4, 2018June 1, 2018 by melissakircher

agnieszka-boeske-354851-unsplash “I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Happy Monday everyone! Today on Enneagram Paths we have an interview with Liz Johnson, an Enneagram Type Four. Just to refresh our memories, The Enneagram Institue defines Type Fours as people who, “[are] self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.”

Welcome, Liz, and thank you so much for sharing about yourself and what it’s like to be a Type Four!

Enneagram Type Four

1. Emotions are dominant for Fours as part of the Heart Triad. Are there things you’re learning to do that help balance energy and get in touch with your thoughts and body?

I’ve been learning to not dwell on my emotions. I’ll catch myself in the act of letting an emotion consume several hours of my day — or sometimes the entire day. Lately, I’ve been telling myself that when something hits (feeling defeated, sadness, anger, etc) to not let my whole self become that feeling. I take the feeling out of my body and let it go. The Enneagram has opened my eyes to how much I allow myself to fully immerse my mind, body, and spirit in an emotion. I hadn’t realized how deep into an emotional rabbit hole I’d go. The more I awaken to this as it’s happening, the more I make the initiative to be productive. Breathing has helped with emotions. Just being still, focusing on the breath going in and out. Emotions can take such a toll on my body. I have to be kind to myself and remember to “breathe” it back to somewhat of a homeostasis, or even do some yoga. Release the negative energy.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I love that Type Fours can poetically explain how certain emotions feel. This can happen through the lyrics of a song because a Four can cause a person to say, “Yes! that’s exactly how that feels!” Sometimes, the lyrics don’t even make sense but they impact someone in a specific way. Same with art. Fours can take those emotional wounds and create art that stirs something deep within the soul. keagan-henman-479521-unsplash

Also, Fours can hold space for pain without the need to fix it with unrealistic optimism. People need to process suffering organically and at their own pace. If someone shares their pain with me, I want to help them allow themselves to feel it and not prematurely cut it off. It’s part of the healing process. A Four will not encourage you to “just get over it” and brush your pain under the rug. That is not the nature of a Four and I love this part of me. Sometimes, I hate the physical toll emotions have on my mind and body — like I just want to move on already! When I experience an emotion, it is as if it’s held in place by a really strong magnet and it becomes paralyzing. It takes some serious intentional effort to let go.

3. What happens when you’re stressed and go along your Arrow to Type Two? What happens when you’re in a healthy place and go along your Arrow to Type One?

In stress to Type Two, I can recall times when I’ve been worried about the status of a friendship and would attune to my friend’s needs — while disregarding my own needs. I now see the damage that does to my self-worth. I learned a long time ago that if there’s tension with someone, I can’t set myself aside and selflessly make sure they’re okay. It’s so important to maintain boundaries. It’s also been said that Fours get “clingy” in Two. This could happen if I allowed myself to be that way, but I also know people have their own boundaries, and I have enough common sense to not “cling” a relationship to exhaustion. I keep my distance (because Fours hide a lot anyway), and have had overall decent relationships for a while now.

In health towards a Type One, I notice some of my better days are when I’m intentional and actually commit to creating something. There have been many times I daydream about doing a project, but never actually execute it. My overall mood is a lot better on days when I actually let go of clinging to my emotions and fantasies and create. However, there is still much to process on this Arrow as well.

4. How does envy play out in your interactions with people? Do you find yourself comparing your life, experiences, career, etc. to others?

It made sense when I read that envy was the “deadly sin” of Type Four. At times, envy has caused me to feel as though my life and creations are worthless and pale in comparison to others. Sometimes, if someone shares an accomplishment I may have a thought like, “I wish I could do that”, instead of fully embracing their joy. I can also relate to the Four’s tendency to feel as if something is missing from an experience. It seems like others experience life to the fullest. I want to be fully engaged in the present like everyone else around me appears to be. It’s so challenging to let go of anything outside of the moment and trust that it doesn’t lack anything.

There has also been a divine sweetness in realizing my own story helps me to let go of envy. I am special (said like a true Four) and as I create from my soul, I see more and more that I truly am needed in this world. In realizing this truth, there is no room for envy.

5. Talk about what the words Unique and Authenticity mean to you today.

Unique makes me think of how I always had this sense that I had to look unique and stand out by wearing outfits that set me apart from everyone! I went through several different phases: grunge, punk, goth, retro, futuristic, etc. This was a way to express myself because I felt like my voice had no worth or wasn’t being heard. I had a lot of emotional pain, therefore fashion was a means by which I could communicate to others.

I’ve realized I’ve been doing Enneagram work unawares for a couple years now. Now that I have a name for this work, it’s shown me how much I long for a vocation — job/work/calling/purpose — that isn’t something I just settle with and do for a paycheck. Over time I’ve come to understand that what I naturally like to do is unique AND authentic, I’ve just been avoiding it. I avoided painting, drawing, and writing because it seemed like a waste of time. But, after taking the time to work on myself and process my pain, I now see that creativity is a means through which I can share myself; by letting others know they’re not alone and encouraging them on their healing journey.

Authenticity. I wonder who I am without the personality of Type Four and it’s coping methods? Who is anyone without their Enneagram number keeping them from being their true, authentic self? It’s so worth the time/energy/money/etc to discover our true selves.

6. Are there any spiritual practices you’re drawn to as a Type Four?

When creating a piece of art, I not only create from my personality but with a mysterious presence that dwells within me. I tend to live life through a Type Four filter, but even deeper there is a good, true, divine image of our creator and source of life. Often, I’m surprised by what stirs in my soul when I finish a drawing or painting. I’m in awe of the ways my creations have revealed mysterious wonder, wisdom, and truth. I see this as spiritual because these creations do not come to life solely by my humanity, but with a spiritual presence as well. I love to hike and have had incredible divine insight as I walk in the woods. I suppose this has become a spiritual practice as well.

7. How has learning about your Enneagram Type impacted your life and relationships? Has it changed the way you view yourself or others?

We all have some kind of pain or wounding from childhood. Before I knew I was doing the work of the Enneagram, learning about my childhood led me to discover ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). What we experience in childhood can have a huge impact on our minds and bodies, and ACEs research, along with many other similar subjects, has shown the science behind adversity/toxic stress. I came across a TED Talk by Nadine Burke Harris, a pediatrician who is on a mission to encourage ACEs screenings at all childhood wellness visits. I agree with Nadine and hope that with enough awareness of ACEs, there will someday be ACE screenings at all pediatric wellness visits, and ACEs/trauma training in schools.

The work of the Enneagram involves addressing one’s childhood in order to understand why we are a particular Type. I can’t expect my center to move towards health unless I process and heal from childhood wounds. I continue to research my childhood in relation to who I am as an adult which has changed the way I view all my relationships. Knowing and processing my own story and Type has helped me to have grace for the times when I live in a fantasy world rather than live with intention, believe the negative lies in my head, hurt others (or when others hurt me), and numerous other ways I miss the mark.

8. Do you know if you have a Three or Five Wing? If so, tell us about how your Wing supports and enhances the Type Four characteristics.

juliette-leufke-154599-unsplash I think I might be a Five Wing, but I’m unsure about it. Sometimes it seems like I fit the description of a Three Wing and sometimes a Five wing. I can be both social and private. Sometimes I create with an audience in mind and sometimes I create for myself. The thing that draws me to the Five Wing is the fact that I love to research. When something sparks my interest, I’ll read several books, search about it on Youtube or podcasts, and follow experts on the subject on social media. What I discover from researching fuels an inward fire that impacts what I create. From this fire also comes strength, like that of a Five’s growth towards a healthy Type Eight. As a Four, I desire to have the strength of an Eight. If that’s possible, that is so worth the hard work of the Enneagram!

Liz resides in northeast Ohio, a place where she’s able to experience the beauty of each season, welcoming winter with the most joy. She lives with her husband Jon, daughter Roxy and son Kai. She’s an artist and writer, blogging her journey with a focus on ACEs advocacy, personality, spirituality, and the science behind those subjects. She loves to hike, research, and frequently enjoys the creativity and wisdom of a children’s picture book. Instagram: @lizjartist Blog: @painsplatteredholygenes.wordpress.com

*Photos by Agnieszka Boeske , Keagan Henman , Erik Witsoe , Juliette Leufke on Unsplash

The View From Type Two

Posted on May 14, 2018May 12, 2018 by melissakircher

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“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ― John Holmes

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

This week I’m lucky to have Jess Bedsole on Enneagram Paths to talk about her experiences being an Enneagram Type Two. As we read interviews, I think it’s so important to remember that every person is different no matter if they have the same Type. The Enneagram does not fit us into nine restricting boxes, instead, it allows us to be dynamic, ever-changing, unique human beings. Thank you, Jess, for sharing your perspective and what it means to be a Two from your individual point of view!

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

I feel guilty if I know someone could use my help and I’m not providing it. Even after the fact, if I have witnessed someone in need of help (an elderly person crossing the street, or a dog tied up and tangled, or a person who needed help opening a door because their hands were full) and wasn’t in the mood or able to help them, it sits like a stone in my stomach — indefinitely. I constantly replay in my mind that I did not help them and feel unrelenting guilt over it. I do try to keep a balanced mindset and focus on helping my children and friends who are closest to me, but when I see a stranger in need and I am unable to help them, it really bothers me in retrospect.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I rode horses for fifteen years in my youth. Since being married and starting a family I had released that part of myself. Recently, a friend offered me the opportunity to start riding again. My problem is I can’t find any time in our family schedule to consistently call my own. I have no problem telling my children that I am working on something, reading a book or going to take a shower on a daily basis. I also have no problem taking a night off now and then to go to the movies with a friend or see a show. It’s the idea of setting a consistent time for only myself to do something I enjoy that makes me feel guilty. Honestly, I feel a little panicked about it. I feel like I would be letting my family down, so at the moment I can’t bring myself to go back and ride horses.

I tend to speak before I think. I speak directly from what I’m feeling, with no filter that this may not be something appropriate or what others would want to hear. In my heart, it feels like “what I feel is something that will help them” or ” they should know this”. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, I can get into trouble for being too brutally honest. When I’m stressed I don’t notice or accept it until my muscles are spasming and my tension headaches are debilitating. My body has to tell me to stop and slow down because my brain does not.

4. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I didn’t want to accept that I’m a Type Two! When I initially read the Type descriptions, I skipped over Two because I assumed I wasn’t a “Helper”. However, since accepting my number, I’ve started to see how it is who I truly am. I love sending suggestions to others about things that worked for me, positive experiences I had, or how I got myself out of a cycle with my kids or husband.

5. What are some things you wish other people knew or understood about being a Two?

I wish people understood that I’m not trying to pry or be rude, I believe my advice and experiences can help them. Some people just aren’t interested in the help.

6. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

When I head toward Arrow Type Eight, my body begins shutting down. My muscles spasm, my temper flares, and I get debilitating tension headaches. I feel short of breath all the time and like it’s a race to accomplish anything at all. Everything feels rushed and imbalanced. bruno-nascimento-255699-unsplash When I move toward Arrow Type Four, I want to share everything. I’m inspired to write a book or a blog or share every good thing on social media. I want to hug my children and never let go while watching them do amazing things from afar without interfering.

7. Tell us about the feeling of loneliness. How do you react when you feel lonely?

I love alone time. I don’t think I ever really experience loneliness.

8. Do you feel like as a child that somewhere you picked up the message that in order to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

No, I don’t think I received that message as a child. I think I learned that helping others is a way to show that you love them, not that my own needs are not important.

9. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

That’s such a difficult question. Because when I’m at my best, I feel truly safe and secure in myself. I am confident and kind and generally positive. I don’t know what helps me get to that point, though. Perhaps it’s when those around me are respecting my advice and acknowledging my strengths. That makes my heart full and gives me pride. In relationships, hearing me is a big deal. I appreciate the feeling of respect from my friends or my husband. I like feeling as though my opinions matter.

10. What do the words authenticity, anger, and fun mean for you today?

Authenticity is a good word to describe who I am. I cannot be anyone besides my authentic self very well. When I try to tamp my helpful self down, I feel the repercussions deeply.

Anger rears its ugly head most commonly in the mornings. I love waking early, but I tend to need a significant amount of alone time before I can be open to hearing others or assisting them. I can be very short tempered from 5am-9am. I do get angry.

Fun would be watching my kids play outside while I sit in a comfortable patio chair, drinking tea and reading a great book. Or working together as a family to accomplish a common goal. Helping one another is fun to me.

11. (This question is from a fellow Two via Twitter) “How do you break the loop of worrying about whether your need to help is genuine or manipulative? Questioning all the motives can be exhausting and I don’t always trust my own answers.”

I tend to plow through. I feel better to just put my help out there rather than hold it in. For me, holding it in feels cumbersome. I feel like I’m not being myself or allowing my colors to shine. I accept that others may not always agree with my ideas or opinions, but it feels better to me, personally, to share and be shot down than to hold it in.

Jess is a mom of two young boys and two energetic dogs. On weekends she can be found teaching wood sign painting classes through her own small business, Sparkles and Crafts. Day to day, she’s a stay-at-home mom who is busy cleaning up messes and cooking up loads of delicious grub. When given a hot cup of Earl Grey and a cupcake, there is nothing she can’t do. You can find her on Facebook at facebook.com/sparklesandcrafts , Instagram @sparklesandcrafts, and her website sparklesandcrafts.com

*Photo by Josh Appel , rawpixel , NeONBRAND , Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

The Ocean of Emotion: Enneagram Type Four

Posted on April 16, 2018April 16, 2018 by melissakircher

“I’ll stop wearing black when you make a darker color.” — Fall Out Boy

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on.’ ‘Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?’ ‘My insides don’t match up with my outsides.’ ‘Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up?’ ‘I don’t know. I’m only me.’ ‘Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.’ ‘But it’s worse for me.’ ‘I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him.’ ‘Probably. But it really is worse for me.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Type Four in Integration – Health

Enneagram Type Fours swim in a deep sea of emotion. They are in the Heart Triad and on a daily basis their fast emotions, the ones that crash over them moment by moment, are waves—truer, more authentic emotions are the ocean itself. In health, Fours know how to ride the waves and become emotionally adept, able to attune with precision to what’s happening inside of them and to what others are feeling, as well. They can be some of the wisest, most attentive listeners, empowering others in a way that brings to light each person’s specialness. Fours also have a talent for making space for pain; you will want them by your side during trials because they will be the ones to sit and cry with you—not trying to fix or solve your problems like many others would do.

Type Fours are often quite creative; the artists and writers and musicians and photographers and dreamers of the world. Though any type may be an artist, Fours are the most common because they desire authenticity and unique expression above all else. They want to be the truest version of themselves and bring an idiosyncratic perspective to whatever they do. This can show up in their outward appearance; Fours usually have a certain aesthetic in the way they dress. They will have kooky, artsy, or highly fashionable clothes or an avant-garde hairstyle—whatever they feel expresses their inner-self best. Some Fours go through a “goth” phase, being drawn to dark makeup and clothing.

At their best they can be amiable, affirming, empathetic, and very nurturing, almost as nurturing as a Type Two. They search for answers to the complex questions in life like: why we are here, what is the purpose of life, and what are people supposed to do? They “have a natural gift for understanding the deeper emotional level of experience and [see] the beauty in darker emotions that other types would rather not feel, much less acknowledge.” (The Complete Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, pg. 268) They use engaging language and symbols to express whatever they turn their energy towards.

A Four working on integration will be actively seeking to regulate how they perceive reality. They stop focusing on lack and instead trend toward a more optimistic outlook on life. Positivity frees them from the hold that their constantly moving emotions has on them and allows Fours to actually produce the art, writing, music, etc. they dream about all the time. Optimism also helps them to accept the mundane aspects of life, which is helpful because a productive creative process is usually very disciplined and routine.

Type Four in Disintegration – Autopilot

“Fours have huge hearts, encompassing all the emotions that could possibly be contained within a heart. Yet the heart of the Four is a paradox; it can seem remarkably present to itself while simultaneously seeming to be cut off from itself. The near-yet-distant heart of the Four fuels the lie ‘I am what other people think or say about me’.” (The Sacred Enneagram, Chris Heuertz, pg. 214)

Fours in autopilot get lost in longing. They long for love above all else and feel that there is something broken or missing inside of them that prevents them from finding or keeping love. They fabricate an ideal of love and can lose themselves in fantasies about it. This fantasizing fulfills them—but just for a while—and then the need for real love takes over and they search for it in others. The tricky thing is that they’re almost addicted to this longing; it’s like a cat and mouse game inside their hearts. The longing itself is what feels special, but once they find love, they quickly become dissatisfied with messy reality and push their lovers away. Back and forth, around and around they go.

The inner landscape of a Four is an intense focus on their own emotions and the ever-present feeling of not being enough or having enough. They can easily shift into melancholy or dark moods, wallowing in shame for not living up to their own imagined ideal. They deal with envy a lot. Their emotions shift rapidly, moving from ecstasy to despair in a matter of minutes. This constant ebb and flow can make the Four think their emotions are unmanageable, wild, or out of control.

Body Language and Speech

In conversation, a Four is recognized by how often they look down to the right or left—this is a sign of being stuck in an inner dialogue or processing emotions as one speaks. A Four will give off signs of their base-level melancholic tendency by their shaded eyelids, sometimes watering eyes, slack shoulders, draped bodies, and a head nearly always tilted to the side. They smile but in a sad way. A Four in autopilot likes to converse about the finer things of life; about art, beauty, design, and fashion. They desire to look unique; one of a kind. When talking they will often pause for long periods of time, or sigh, to give themselves time to contemplate the exact right words to express their inner emotional landscape. A big tell that someone is a Four is a special talent they possess to steer a conversation so it always comes back to them. They come across as self-absorbed and arrogant and can manipulate any topic so that either it relates to them or so that they seem to be the expert on the topic.

Wings

A Type Four will either have a Three Wing or Five Wing—or both.

Arrow to Two in Stress

Entitlement and feelings of uniqueness become worse. Put themselves on a self-righteous pedestal.
Loved ones move away from the Four as they become more self-absorbed and in response the Four experiences longing. They then take on the “giving to get” mindset in order to manipulate others back into a relationship.
Intrude into other people’s lives with the attitude that they know better and are “helping” the person.
Have emotional rages like a Two, sudden onset of crying bouts, bursts of anger—and they cease to take responsibility for their own feelings. It is always the other person’s fault.

Arrow to One in Health

Their emotions and thinking become clearer, they communicate less in metaphor and more in precise ways that others can understand.
Become more practical, less lost in the sea of emotion and more focused on daily tasks and what actually needs to get done to accomplish goals.
More neat and methodical. They care about the proper way things are done and are less lost in fantasy.
Feelings of “otherness” dissipate and the Four can engage in life according to their will. Their moods cease to dictate their actions.
Less apt to hog the conversation and speak only about themselves. They become more interested in others.
They do more and become attuned to their bodies.

*Photos by Toa Heftiba , Matias Rengel , Mubariz Mehdizadeh , Shamim Nakhai on Unsplash

I Need You to Need Me…

Posted on March 19, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

An Enneagram Type Two in health is a glorious creature to behold! They are warm, empathetic, kind, and generous. They are others-focused, meeting needs, and giving out of genuine love with no reciprocity expected. Twos know how to relate to others with a magical unicorn level of depth and understanding. They are usually very social and enjoy parties, retreats, nights out, and anything fun with lots of people. Integrated Twos are also quite attuned to their own needs and easily set and enforce healthy boundaries. They will be your best friend for life, but also tell you a firm “no” when appropriate.

A Type Two in autopilot takes their magical unicorn gift of special understanding and becomes obsessively attuned to meeting the needs of others. They push their relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs aside in order to spend all their energy helping someone else. Everyone else. The day of a Two is one giant quest to meet all the needs!

When stressed, Twos can become intrusive in their need to be needed and offer help “because they know better”. They can ask questions that are way too personal, ignoring the boundaries of those they love. Unconsciously, Twos in stress tend to seek out relationships with people who are a bit of a mess, in order to latch onto someone who will always need them. They want to be loved and helping makes them feel loved. Twos often get stuck in their pride of helping. They also get stuck wanting to be perceived as a good person, which makes it very hard for them to consider any kind of criticism. They do not take rejection well.

“But I’ve given you so much, how dare you say that about me!”

They can exhaust themselves in giving to get and take on a persona of the perpetual martyr.

tim-mossholder-414902-unsplash It is very difficult for a Two to stop the “giving to get” approach to love. As children, they were either taught or absorbed the idea that if they presented their need to be loved, it would be rejected. During their formative years, a message was enforced that in order to be loved you must repress who you are and focus on others. Twos are quite often unaware of their own needs—and afraid that if they do express their needs to another, the need will be unmet. And if it is met, what about next time? Is this a safe relationship in which my needs will always be met? And round and round they go!

Also, this type of giving to get approach works for them—but only a surface level. They see how admired and needed they are. They are affirmed and adored. And what will happen if they stop? It’s pure terror for a Two to stop giving because it opens them up to the worst possible scenario—of not being loved for exactly who they are.

Richard Rohr says the path toward vibrant life for a Two is an intention to: “[Set] other people free and be thankful for the intimacy and attention that is possible in relationships. Mature Twos are glad when people about who they were once concerned go their own way in freedom.”

It is then that Twos become the best kind of helpers, the ones who give joyfully to both themselves and other people. They are the bearers of grace, gratitude, and abundant hearts.

Are you a Type Two? Would you like to be interviewed for the Enneagram Paths Blog? Please fill out the form on the contact page. I’d love to hear from you.

*Photos by Dakota Corbin , Inês Pimentel & Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Features of a Type Three – Basic

Posted on February 28, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

rawpixel-com-274858-unsplash “The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.”-–Vince Lombardi

An Enneagram Type Three is often called the Achiever or the Motivator. They are in the dead center of the Heart Triad and yet are the most disconnected from their own emotional life because they don’t have a Body or Head wing to help pull them out of autopilot.

Type Threes focus on success as a way to achieve the love and admiration they think they’re incapable of receiving as their authentic self. The main motivation towards relentless doing and succeeding is the underlying fear of being worthless. They want to feel accepted and desired in an unconditional way.

When Threes are at their healthiest they have a sense of their own worth and so are able to access their emotions more freely. They connect to their heart. They are high energy and can then use their big hearts to be passionate about motivating others to achieve goals. Healthy Threes also work to accomplish worthwhile goals; things that help others and contribute to the good of the world. They become team players and aid their team in the journey to success. They get things done, but in a way that is realistic and paced, making sure to create time for rest. They stop seeing others as extensions of themselves and their projected image and incorporate healthy boundaries into their daily life.

When Type Threes move into autopilot their attention is focused on both being successful and appearing successful, and all their boundless energy flows in this direction. jordan-whitfield-112404-unsplash They can obsessively succeed in any area of life: relationships, work, or as a parent or spouse, but usually, they tend to focus on work. They want to be seen as prestigious and professional and so they will work until they drop (and maybe never drop). They will achieve goals and complete tasks in a fast-paced and efficient manner.

They also want to physically look successful so they will be very conscious of their image, and the way in which they talk. They will adapt their mannerisms and speaking style to any circumstance or person and project whatever image is necessary to succeed in the given moment. They are highly magnetic and engaging—like a salesperson. But they can also be perceived as robotic by those close to them who sniff out their inauthentic posturing.

Path of Integration (Health): Type Three takes on positive characteristics of Type Six.

Become more group focused. They work towards the interest of the whole rather than promoting their own agendas.
Think through potential risks and dangers. They are more cautious and less likely to act impulsively in order to achieve fast results.
Instead of acting superior, they begin to show a softer, more self-deprecating, humorous side.
More spontaneous. Less attached to specific outcomes and able to be authentically engaged in the moment.

Path of Disintegration (Stress): Type Three takes on negative characteristics of Type Nine.

Emotional disengagement becomes more pronounced. They begin to shut down, becoming increasingly insensitive to problems and passive-aggressive with others.
In the face of failure, they begin to numb themselves either with hyperactivity (doing and accomplishing LOTS of things) or with inaction and substances (TV, Food, Reading, Alcohol).
Check out of life. Energy levels plummet and they become stagnant and unmoving. They will say things like, “I don’t care.”
They can seem fuzzy and unfocused, their attention is easily diverted.

Childhood Wounds

“Type Threes as children often have a well-spring of pent-up anger and hostility because [they feel] nothing they do is enough to please their unhealthy nurturing figure. Children Threes often play the role of Family Hero.” –The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson, pg. 154

*Photos by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash & rawpixel.com on Unsplash