It’s the final chapter of this three-part grief and Enneagram series! So far we’ve explored how grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward. Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.
This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.
Today, we’ll unpack Type Seven, Eight, and Nine misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.
Type Seven
Type Sevens are all about chasing down a vibrant life, but their fear of pain and discomfort becomes front and center in grief. Their avoidant and coping behaviors shift into fifth gear, working overtime to keep the tender-hearted, overthinking Seven safe from emotional turmoil.
Grief and loss can amplify excitability, which feels dismissive and scary to observe. While most Sevens have animated, flighty, disconnected sides, Type Sevens can also be serious, quiet, and introverted.
When Sevens show their depth, people start to ask, “Are you okay?” yet have no idea what to do. Experiencing grief does not mean that a person needs distractions and adventures to heal; they need to be seen as valuable and worthy of love and attention, even when sad and heavyhearted.
The Sevens who know they are safe to fall apart and not demonstrate exuberance all the time will become one of the most loyal, committed, dedicated friends – especially if you’ve walked alongside them through one of the most emotionally trying times in their lives.
Type Eight
Type Eights probably seem least likely to deal well with grief, and that assumption is not too far off. For the average Eight, grief stirs up vulnerability and lack of control in the worst way possible. Eights see grief as just another mountain to overcome and can easily stuff the grief-y feelings to lead and demonstrate command – business as usual comes naturally to the Eight.
But the truth is, Eights need to let go more than any other number. Hidden within vulnerability is a true strength to lead. When Type Eights are grieving, we see their leadership style become more erratic, anxious, and detached. They’ve created another wall to protect themselves from appearing weak or incapable.
On the flip side, when Eights view their grief as an adversary worth challenging, they invite the difficult conversations with patience and grace. After the battle is waged, Eights begin to view grief as a constant truth of life and not an enemy.
These integrated, tender-hearted Eights look softer, kind, and invitational. They’ll start to ask for help because they’ve learned grief will not be strong-armed or intimidated to flee. These challengers know not all battles are meant to be won, but that also doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
Type Nine
Type Nines might seem like the most willing to hear your grief story and unpack the pain with you, but the truth is this number usually needs to retreat into their own pain, not carry yours. Nines are quick to protect their energy. Dealing with the grief of others is an excellent way to use their energy and avoid dealing with their own.
But when Nines decide to honor their boundaries, they suddenly become available to their pain. Independent of the opinion of others, they start to disentangle their mess of emotions and intense avoidance behaviors. Nines feel empowered; their grief is no longer an enemy but a familiar presence that does not make them want to run and hide.
Average Nines need quiet and rest, while integrated Nines are authoritative, calm, and even cheeky in their healing process. They know they can use their stillness and withdrawal as a source of strength and, in doing so, bring that level of stability to others for support. This becomes an energy reserve that doesn’t drain but invigorates. True peace ensues for all when Nines intentionally move toward stressful or grief-y situations instead of falling into them and hiding for days to follow.
Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and a 31-day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle parts of life.
Follow Mandy on Twitter at @MandyCapehart
Follow Mandy on Instagram at @mandycapehart
Alleli Hull is a 31-year-old Midwesterner sweating it out in Memphis. She went to school for music performance and can play anything in your typical garage band. She enjoys a little coffee with her sugar and firmly believes the toilet paper roll should be over and not under. She also has a pup named Skander and can’t say no to him. She loves FPS games, and the Halo franchise was her first love. Her room and car might be disasters, but at least all the apps on her phone are in their rightful folders.
“And the sun and the moon sometimes argue over who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct.”
Healthy Sevens truly enjoy life and they see the world through a lens of optimism. This Type is highly energetic and fast-paced, always going and doing and being everywhere all at once. They have a wide range of abilities and gifts that span many different areas of life. At their best, they use their brainstorming skills to come up with new, innovative ideas and enjoy the entire process of implementing their plans. Sevens can quickly derive associations and interrelation’s between things that others would miss — their sharp minds perceive patterns and deeper realities that are not readily apparent. Healthy Sevens are highly creative and love to have multiple projects going at once. They swiftly get others involved in these projects with their enthusiasm and genuine high-spirits. The most important thing to realize about Sevens in health is they are happy because they have learned how to accept the reality of pain — without trying to escape from it. This ability to endure pain makes them resilient. Then, crisis turns into a challenge to overcome, instead of something to flee. At their best, Sevens are funny, engaging, fantastic storytellers, charming, and delightful to be around.
The racing mind of a Type Seven is attuned to getting them the hell away from anything boring. They fear boring. Feeling bored means that they might have to stop all the fun and deal with some hard things — like pain. Sevens do not want to feel pain, this is why they plan and move so fast.
Sevens appear smiling, engaged, and generally happy. Their eyes are wide and almost seem to sparkle. They talk with expressive hand and arm gestures and lean forward during conversations. They will crack jokes and have an animated energy to them, always moving about the room, always trying to find the center of all the action.