Uncategorized » Enneagram Paths Coaching

Enneagram – When Life is Hard…

Posted on March 2, 2025March 2, 2025 by melissakircher

Things to remember when life is hard:

1. Hard times happen to everyone. They are not your fault and the universe isn’t punishing you. You are loved and wanted. Reach out as much as you need to. Being reminded of how lovable and worthy you are is a key way to get through difficulties.

2. Acknowledge that two things can be true at the same time. You might have no idea what to do and know exactly what to do all in the same breath. This confusion and sometimes bone deep exhaustion is normal. Rest, trust, take the next right step and nothing more.

Type 1

When life is hard, I remember that I can ask for support, encouragement, and reminders that being exactly where I am is okay. I am going through a hard time because I’m human; there is nothing bad or wrong with me. I can delegate tasks to others and reconnect with myself. I am worthy and loved and don’t have to do it all right now.

Type 2

When life is hard, I remember this is precisely when it’s good and right to be “selfish.” I can ask for others to help me put myself first. Hard times happen to helpers, too. I’m worth being here, I’m worth showing up for myself, and I’m worth the space to rest and heal. Now is the time to sleep, have fun, do nothing, read, relax, and just be.

Type 3

When life is hard, I remember that I am a someone who needs to verbally process during hard times. I can ask someone to let me vent. I’m allowed to seek external validation; I need to hear I’m doing a good job right now. I can assess what to do and what to let go of to slow down. I am a person, and I have limits. I deserve love.

Type 4

When life is hard, I remember who I am and what I feel is never “not enough” or “too much.” This is precisely the right time to ask for validation, hugs, encouragement, and help from others. In my gut, I know how to process this challenging time and give myself permission to do so freely. This is not my fault; it happens to everyone.

Type 5

When life is hard, I remember it’s normal for me to feel immense anxiety during hard times. I’m allowed the space to worry and try to figure out how to fix things. I can ask for help with daily tasks and for a listening ear. I am not alone; there are people who love me. I am not deficient; this is a lot, and letting go is okay.

Type 6

When life is hard, I remember that hard times are when it’s appropriate for me to reach out to my network. I can ask for time to talk and also to seek opinions. There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed and needing support. I can do this, but I don’t have to do it by myself. I am so freaking strong, and it’s also okay to break down.

Type 7

When life is hard, I remember this is when I’m totally allowed to vacillate between needing other’s upbeat energy and time alone. I can ask people who know my deeper side for advice. It’s okay for me to feel sadness and anxiety in small chunks and not all at once. I am resilient, soft, badass, tired, lonely, and kind of okay all at once.

Type 8

When life is hard, I remember that hard times are when I can seek out safe, professional support. I can ask for time away to think and help getting out of my head. I don’t have to muscle through this. My emotions are valid and true. I am lovable exactly as I am. Resting isn’t a failure. It’s storing energy to fight the good fight another day.

Type 9

When life is hard, I remember this is the perfect time to ask others to check on me. I need love, time to vent, support, and a lot of space. There is nothing I did to cause this. I might see eight million ways out and not know which one to choose. I can trust myself. I am allowed to wait and see what happens and/or also take cautious action.

Enneagram : Deep Breaths When…

Posted on February 4, 2025February 4, 2025 by melissakircher

Our Enneagram type’s job is to protect us, to keep us safe. Type (or internal parts) form patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior that shield us from being hurt, wounded, and in pain. These parts of our type have a lot of power, but no matter how hard they work on our behalf…life inevitably presents triggers and activations.

We DO eventually experience all the things our type (or internal parts) try to avoid. It happens to everyone. We all get activated, wounded, and hurt. Here is where we need deep breaths. Take a few now. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Let your breathing deepen and slow.

As you breathe, allow your awareness to flood with love, seeing your type/ego/parts. Then notice where in the body you feel them. Next ask what they need from you. Often our type/ego/parts need a loving witness, to be seen and known. With intention ask yourself, what new choices might be before me? If type cannot protect me in the same way it’s always done, how can I expand, grow, and heal while facing this activator? What new, healthy ways can I respond?

If you have any trouble locating these internal parts or energies, here is a list of common activators for each Enneagram Type. These are some places and events that require deep breaths! Do any of them resonate with you?

Type 1

• When others dismiss my emotions, not understanding that I’m sensitive and emotionality takes work.

• When life gets messy and I don’t feel like I have control.

• When my concerns aren’t heard; it feels unjust.

• When I or others fail to meet my expectations.

Type 2

• When I’ve worked hard to make others feel seen and known but that energy isn’t reciprocated.

• When my emotions are strong and I feel them deeply.

• When others are suffering and I don’t know how to help.

• When I feel rejected or that people don’t understand me.

Type 3

• When I hit my energetic limit, it’s like everything shuts down, and I’m fully done.

• When I’m brave enough to share, and others don’t listen.

• When my valiant efforts on your behalf are disrespected.

• When I don’t know how I feel and my insides are a confusing tangle that I can’t grasp.

Type 4

• When others don’t get me, despite how hard I’ve worked to communicate my nuance and complexity as a person.

• When I’m ignored or left out; when I’m slighted.

• When life is so raw, I feel it in the marrow of my bones.

• When my emotions overwhelm me, I need to take deep breaths.

Type 5

• When my emotions are safe to emerge, and they do so at once in an overwhelming rush.

• When all the choices feel bad, and there is no logical solution. When I feel trapped.

• When I’m called awkward, and I already feel like I don’t fit in.

• When I’m left out just because I’m quiet and reserved.

Type 6

• When I ask for help and I’m disappointed. When someone doesn’t show up for me.

• When people don’t treat me as worthy and valuable.

• When I feel out of control, and my plans aren’t working.

• When my worries and concerns are invalidated.

Type 7

• When I’m judged or when someone doesn’t talk to me directly about being upset.

• When people fail to live up to the good opinion I have of them.

• When my sadness and pain linger longer than I’d like.

• When my ideas fall flat or don’t pan out like I’d hoped.

Type 8

• When I’m tired because there is a right thing to do, and no one is doing it but me.

• When my emotions bubble to the surface and I feel them.

• When people I counted on seem to betray me.

• When others misunderstand my passion as anger.

Type 9

• When I work so hard to set healthy boundaries and they are not respected.

• When I’ve let tasks pile up and I’m totally overwhelmed.

• When people I love are treated unfairly or cruelly.

• When I’m so understanding of others, but they willfully misunderstand me.

Enneagram Object Relations

Posted on January 29, 2025January 29, 2025 by melissakircher

Today we’re diving into a corner of Enneagram theory world via the brilliant Belinda Gore.

“Basic to Enneagram Object Relations theory is the concept that the ego-self, or personality, develops only in relation to something else. This something else is called the Other. We develop the ego structures we come to know as ourselves through early experiences interacting with key people and objects.” – Belinda Gore

As humans, we have three core needs: protection, nurturing, and belonging. For each of the nine Enneagram types, our child psyche perceives one of these core needs as being specifically unmet. This lack leaves behind a deep, often unrecognized wound—a persistent need that compels us to respond unconsciously with either frustration, over-attachment, or rejection. Each of the nine Enneagram type structures represents a unique strategy crafted by the ego to cope with and address this perceived lack. I’ve listed all the types and their object relation structures below. Scroll down to find your type. What do you think? Does this theory resonate for you?

To learn more, visit Gore’s website: https://belindagore.com/enneagram/

Type 1

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me have failed. They’ve fallen short, so I’ve had to form rigid rules and boundaries that keep things ideal and in check. I often sense frustration boiling under the surface and deal with it by making sure I engineer specific outcomes.

Type 2

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me didn’t care to do so. I deal with this pain by unconsciously rejecting my wound. I turn my attention outward and lose myself in the lives of others, making sure I’m constantly ignoring myself. I don’t want to feel that lack again.

Type 3

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I deal with this pain by trying to offer relational resources to others. I’m not too vulnerable or invulnerable so that people keep me around. I’m constantly adapting my external behavior to receive positive responses from others, which feels like nurturing.

Type 4

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I never entirely belonged. I deal with this lonely sensation by noticing my dissatisfaction with life and people. I’m idealistic and picky, both longing for others to include me and yet never feeling that reality meets the sense of inclusion I crave. I turn inward to provide for myself.

Type 5

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I don’t really belong in the world. I deal with this feeling by removing the possibility of relational disappointment. I’m hermit-like because I tell myself I don’t like people while secretly longing for community and connection. I reject others before they can reject me.

Type 6

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me were not trustworthy. I deal with this pain by collecting a community and procuring reassurance from others. I’m very aware of what needs to be attended to to keep us all safe. I continually adjust so that you will stick around if I need you.

Type 7

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I soothe this dissatisfaction by replacing nurturing with obtaining whatever my heart desires. I deny my frustration, staving it off with endless doing, fun, and lightheartedness. Yet, I feel hollowness the whole time and long for an ideal kind of love.

Type 8

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I reject this wound and delude myself into thinking I’m invulnerable and that emotions don’t matter. I use my body, strength, and power to deny the pain and desire for care I feel in my heart. I reject my heart and keep it locked away, even from myself.

Type 9

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that my true self didn’t matter much, that I wasn’t important enough to belong. To assuage this ache, I go along with people, adapting to what they want from me so they keep me around. I tell myself it’s good to be easygoing while still longing to be known and accepted.

Grief & The Enneagram Part I: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Posted on February 18, 2022February 18, 2022 by melissakircher

Grief work is not easy. We assume those who grieve are sad all the time, wallowing in their feelings and crying over every reminder of their loss. Often, grievers feel avoided and ignored because no one wants to accidentally make the griever feel worse. The same is true of the Enneagram – when a friend knows your Enneagram type, you may find they behave differently based on what they expect you to do or say in response.

While this can be frustrating, getting to know ourselves better is the only way to disarm these harmful and dismissive assumptions. Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward.

Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.

This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.

Today, I want to unpack type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.

Type One

Type Ones are often perceived as hard, black and white, and intense. They’re known for their strict boundaries and their ever-present inner critic keeping them on track (and held back).

In grief, this can look like the person chasing down justice for themselves, trying to find the right way to grieve. But no right way exists, and there is often no real justice for the loss we experience. We have no one to blame, so we tend to blame ourselves. If only we could have found a better path, or made better decisions, maybe we wouldn’t be feeling this much pain.

Yet, Type One’s have access to lightheartedness and a playful demeanor. These integration characteristics will move them through melancholic overthinking and onto a path of restoration. When a Type One embraces the unknown with an expectation of warmth on the other end, they can begin to release their rigid expectations of doing grief “correctly.”

Grievers know two emotions can exist at the same time – because there is gray space in life. When a Type One recognizes ambiguity, their laughter returns, despite sad feelings that remain. And this is the path forward.

Type Two

Type Twos are known for being selfless, casual, and willing to set all their needs aside for the well-being of others. They keep their own emotions close to the vest with an intent to serve — which masks their sense of self.

This can mean they don’t actually grieve! Don’t get me wrong, Twos feel deeply and experience grief personally in their lives. But grief itself and the act of grieving are wildly different, and most of the time, Twos can’t move beyond their default coping mechanism of caring for others.

When Type Twos see the truth that their serving is a safety net, things will shift. They become more introspective and introverted, choosing to move toward their own sense of need and healing in a way that disarms the manic energy to serve others.

This integrated Two becomes a total Zen-master, learning how to engage their inner world with the insight and compassion typically reserved for others. From here, they can teach others how to do the same without needing to do it for them. They release the desire to control or manipulate and instead learn to let themselves and others feel their feelings — even when they’re sad.

Type Three

Type Threes are passionate, externally focused, driven, charismatic, and positive. However, the changing masks of a Three make it harder for their genuine emotions to surface. In seasons of grief, this becomes more evident.

Threes need to know they are safe to fall apart, and that level of trust doesn’t come easily. So many Threes will convince others and themselves they’re doing fine. Barely impacted at all, even. Sure, grief is sad, and, like everyone else, they feel sad about the loss. But for the most part, a Three may seem even-keeled and smooth as glass on the outside.

Internally, however, a war is waging. Type Threes who learn to engage their repressed emotions and feel intentionally can be incredibly supportive and loving to themselves and others. Threes are usually supportive, but learning to authentically and honestly support themselves means they also have to drop the act of having it together all the time.

Emotionally healthy Threes will be honest with their safe few when they are overwhelmed, grieving, and need help. The hard part for grieving Threes is that while they believe their masks are intact, everyone else can see the facade cracking. The pressure of loss is too heavy to bear alone, and a Three can move into a place of cooperation for their own healing when the atmosphere is safe enough.

Part 2 & 3 Coming Soon!

Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.

Two Twos: Interview with Elizabeth Dodds and Corrie Wilson

Posted on February 1, 2021January 28, 2021 by melissakircher

Hello Enneagram Paths friends! Glad to have you this Monday to learn more about what it means to lead with Type Two! Here on Enneagram Paths, I like to ask the same questions of different people within a type; I find it highlights every person’s nuance and complexity. It’s similar to the Narrative Enneagram Tradition, where you learn type through panels and listening to stories. I’m so excited to have these wonderful people here today to talk about Type Twos during a global pandemic, how they’re coping, and what wisdom they have to share. Thank you both for being open; we’re grateful for your words and presence!

Elizabeth Dodds

1. What has it been like being a Type Two during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?

I have found myself wanting to cocoon myself in my home even more. Making my home a comfortable, happy place for myself and my family. It has been very hard having my two oldest children living three hours away during unsure times. Feeding my family and having them all under one roof is kind of a balm to my soul, so this has been tough! Social distancing has also given me a pass not to be ‘on’ at all times, like when at the grocery store, etc. The masks and need to keep distanced is permitting me not to have to engage or have conversations or connections when I’d rather not. Feelings don’t get hurt!

2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Two?

I love many things about being a Two (and dislike just as many). The thing I love the most is the ability to bring people comfort. Creating an environment within my home or my personal space lets people feel at ease and loved.

3. Tell us about pride. How do you engage with pride and calm it, so that you’re able to know you are loved, liked, and wanted just as you are?

Pride is a trait I haven’t quite mastered, whether too much or too little. I find myself downplaying my successes and dismissing compliments often. Feeling loved and liked for just who I am…this is my struggle still.

4. How do you use your Stress Arrow to Type Eight to help you these days? Are there any tips you’d give other Twos about choosing some of the high side traits of Eight to be of service to you in Stress?

My stress move to a Type Eight has been showing itself more often! I think the election season pushed it into gear. I have been voicing my opinions more readily and trying not to quiet myself for others’ approval.

5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?

I identify with the Sexual/One-to-One subtype. Craving connection, commonality, heightened energy, family connections, people that you just ‘click’ with. This is something that has been there since the beginning. I take note of the energy I receive from people and try to take note. On a daily basis, I see this at work. I am in retail, and connections with people are what keeps loyal customers coming back. That spark, the ability to notice something or someone, matters. You would think this would mean I have tons of deep connections, but it feels easier to connect with others about themselves and keep their connection to me on a surface level. Few are as close to me as they may feel.

6. From the perspective of a Type Two, how can we love each other well during these difficult times?

Loving others right now can be difficult, right? I’m having a hard time myself! What we can do is love our own family and friends with a fierce and unwavering love. Stand up for those who need your support and voice. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations and risk disconnecting from someone you love to avoid the awkwardness. I don’t have an answer, really, but I do know that reaching outside of ourselves and reaching into our communities is love. That is what I plan to do more of in 2021.

>Connect with Elizabeth on Twitter at @llizziedodds & Instagram at @elizabeth.dodds

Corrie Wilson

1. What has it been like being a Type Two during Covid, quarantine, and social distancing? How have you coped?

I’m an introverted Type Two, so that part is okay. I’m also a Social Subtype Two, so I really focus more on community-level things. What’s been hard for me is the BLM protests and things like that. I want to go do all of it, but I don’t feel safe. When I hear about the need for volunteers to work at the vaccine sites, I wonder if I can do it and not be exposed to people.

2. What is the thing you like the most about being a Two?

Rooting for the underdog. I’ve always done that since I was little.

3. Tell us about pride. How do you engage with pride and calm it, so that you’re able to know you are loved, liked, and wanted just as you are?

I always have to ask myself, “Is this mine to do?” It’s challenging for me to remember that I am loved and needed even if I’m not helping.

I haven’t really done any work with this part of the Enneagram yet. It took me a while to accept that I am a Two because I didn’t want to be. I felt that it made me weak, going around begging for love.

5. Are you a Social, Self-Preservation, or Sexual/One-to-One Subtype? What does this instinct look like in your daily life? How does it drive some of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?

I am a Social Two. Sometimes Type Two things don’t seem to apply to me, because I am an introvert and don’t really do a lot of the typical “bring the casserole to the family who just had a baby” type things. But as I said above, my focus is on community-level things. I struggle because I want to be involved in ALL the causes. Kids in cages at the border? I should go down there and use my psychology degree to help! Immigrants going to court without interpreters? Who do I know who can translate, and can I get them down there? I can’t watch the news anymore because it’s too difficult; I want to help everyone with everything. When I was little, my mom would tell me, “You don’t have to save the world today.” And sometimes, my husband still has to tell me that.

6. From the perspective of a Type Two, how can we love each other well during these difficult times?

The thing I say all the time is that people are what matter. If you aren’t doing stuff to help people, what are you doing? If you are doing something that hurts people, stop it! I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what I try to focus on.

>Connect with Corrie on Twitter at @Corrielw & TikTok at @dr.corrie

*Cover Photo by McGill Library on Unsplash

Enneagram One Subtypes

Posted on January 19, 2021 by melissakircher

Welcome back, Enneagram Paths friends! Today we’re going to start a journey around the Enneagram circle and look at each number’s subtype. If you’re new to the world of subtypes and instinctual drives, I’d encourage you to read my post What are Subtypes? or go check out the amazing Dr. Beatrice Chestnut’s book on subtypes called, The Complete Enneagram.

Let’s dive in with Type One: The Improver

Social Ones

Social Ones are often more attentive to groups than the other two subtypes, caring intensely about networks. They invest in their neighborhoods, towns, communities, schools, and friends—all intending to improve these organizations and structures. Social Ones often feel pressure to live up to who they “should be” in each of these spaces to exemplify and enlighten others into more righteous behavior. They internally take on a teacher persona in situations, embodying the model or ideal of what a person should say or do—to be correct and do things well for everyone’s good. They truly see many of the areas in their circles of influence that could be improved or fixed. When using this energy in healthy ways and with a dose of humbleness, Ones are a great asset to their communities. If they focus too much on imperfections, though, Social Ones can neglect to identify all the wonderful gifts each community offers just as it is. Social Ones focus on issues of justice and wide-reaching reform, they like to pinpoint the errors and missteps of others, and in stress, this makes them seem rigid and angry with everyone. They may like to exert their power to force “right” change to happen. In health, they relax and enjoy the company of the people they love and care for and find creative ways to enact desired change without alienating their friends, coworkers, and communities.

Sexual Ones (Countertype)

Sexual Ones are outward focused, much more so than the Self-Preservation and Social Ones, in that they don’t expect as much perfection in themselves. The other two subtypes see where others can improve, but they first compel themselves to attain that desired flawless state. Not so the Sexual Ones. Sexual Ones are fixated on the intimate relationships in their lives: their romantic partners, family, close friends, and certain co-workers they feel a connection to. There is often a fervent, impassioned sort of energy they bring to these relationships, and they can come across as really intense. They are the Countertype because they allow anger to be expressed instead of repressing it, and they direct their anger at the imperfections of others. They seek to reform “their people” and pour gut triad fire and passion into molding others (and sometimes the world) into their ideal. They feel justified in these pursuits, permitting themselves to act in regal-type ways because they’re fixing what is wrong in someone and therefore doing the right thing. In more healthy spaces, Sexual Ones are excited about making and sustaining deep connections. They will be loyal friends, lovers, workers, and companions to their inner circle. Healthy Sexual Ones will be dedicated to their loved ones and work on their relationships with warmth, sincerity, and mutuality.

Self-Preservation Ones

Self-Preservation Ones want to have everything under control to get their needs met and not have to worry about unforeseen circumstances. They look into the future and plan for what might happen (much like Type 6) to stave off the almost constant sense that they “should” be doing something to make everything go well. They repress their anger more than the other two subtypes, often coming across as gentle and obedient. Internally, however, they have a well of rage that turns on the One, driving Self-Pres Ones into an obsession with self-perfection. Their anger scares them, it threatens their safety, so they work hard to become overly responsible, upstanding, and exemplary. Self-Pres Ones can feel triggered by criticism from others and become defensive or rigid. It is hard for them to get in touch with their feelings because they only allow themselves to feel whatever they (or society or culture) deem as “good”. In health, Self-Pres Ones let go and move more in the flow of things. They trust that the Universe holds them, and they engage in rest and relaxation. They more truly take care of themselves with love and then exude that love and care into the world. Healthy Self-Pres Ones know how to laugh and often have delightful senses of humor.

*Photo by Jonathan Hoxmark on Unsplash

Enneagram Orientation to Time

Posted on June 8, 2020June 8, 2020 by melissakircher

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

Happy Monday, Enneagram Paths friends! Welcome back. I hope this post finds you safe and well. Today, we’re going to discuss time, specifically how each Enneagram Type has a dominant Time Orientation. For an in-depth look at this idea, I’d recommend The Enneagram Journey podcast Episode 50 by Suzanne Stabile. Basically, there are three (and doesn’t the Enneagram love that number?) Time Orientations: Past, Present, and Future.

Knowing our dominant Time Orientation helps us adjust our perspective when conflicts arise, allowing us to see other sides of a situation, and supporting us in working to understand where other people might be coming from in relation to their focus of attention. Which is the long and short of what Time Orientation is; it’s where we focus most of our thoughts and attention. We have access to all three orientations, so if you’re a Past Oriented person, consciously choosing to experience the present moment or planning for future goals would be healthy, holistic practices to engage in. If you’re a Future Oriented human, then reflect on the past; what went well or wrong, and what you can learn from those encounters, as well as trying to be present in each moment. If you’re Present Oriented, then past and future thinking will help you move out of getting lost in the moment. The key is always balance, accepting and loving how our Type has helped us survive, then inviting in new energies as we work toward integration.

*Please note: Right now, due to Covid shutdowns globally, we are experiencing time trauma; simultaneously processing a future that’s unknown, a present that changes hourly, and past that is re-evaluated. Hopeful trends can be sent backward, past lows can be interpreted as positive. This all at once present, past, and future shifting has us in a kind of “time warp” that can have real impact on our mental, emotional, and physical health. This is different from working toward Enneagram Time Orientation balance. Please make sure you are “making time” to process the disorientation of time. Talk to someone else. Listen to your heart and body. It’s okay to feel totally out of whack.

Past Time Orientation

Type Four:

Four’s emotions and thoughts center most often on what has already happened, what they regret, or an ideal experience they romanticize.

Type Five:

Five’s thoughts center most often on analyzing what has already happened, making sense of previous experiences and feelings, and coming up with logical solutions to earlier problems.

Type Nine:

Nines ruminate about how their lives were both positive and negative in the past, feeling stuck and unable to alter negative patterns or improve the good ones.

Present Time Orientation

Type One:

One’s act in either a flurry of movement or methodical steps, to correct and perfect moment-by-moment the things that come to their attention.

Type Two:

Type Two’s emotions and thoughts center often on what someone else needs, seeking to fulfill it immediately, without regard to past experiences or future consequences.

Type Six:

Sixes immerse themselves in whatever current situation is triggering the Type’s “danger” warning system.

Future Time Orientation

Type Three:

Threes are planning how to efficiently complete the next task and thinking about ways to successfully achieve their goals.

Type Seven:

Sevens can be constantly in motion, thinking about what next fun thing to do and moving toward an ever-evolving horizon.

Type Eight:

Eights seek to pave the way toward their goals by planning exactly how to power past any and all obstacles.

*Cover photo by Alex Perez on Unsplash

Enneagram Resource Roundup: Books

Posted on November 4, 2019November 4, 2019 by melissakircher

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” ― Anais Nin

I am the typical Type Five with my head always buried in a book. My love for reading extends to literally all the things, I love a good romance novel as much as a tome on quantum mechanics! Many people ask me about good Enneagram resources where they can dig in and learn all the nuts and bolts of this ancient wisdom, psycho-spiritual tool. And my Five self has books to share! I hope you find this list helpful, though it is not exhaustive, much to my chagrin. There are many Enneagram books still on my TBR List!

Primers

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

This is my go-to Enneagram primer and one of the first books I always recommend to anyone starting out with Ennealiterature. It’s written in textbook format which makes the book easy to navigate and skip around, perfect for someone who isn’t sure of their Type yet. Thick and exhaustive, this book is worth the investment, you’ll use it and refer back to it forever.

The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr & Andreas Ebert

Rohr’s take on an Enneagram primer is serious and thorough, giving readers what feels like every spec of information possible. This book is a take on the Enneagram through a Christian lens, substituting the word sin instead of passion for each Type as one example. I liked this book, but it did feel a bit more somber than others I have read.

The Modern Enneagram by Kacie Berghoef & Melanie Bell

A quick and easy primer, this book is a fast rundown on all the Enneagram topics you could dream up. Not only do they go over history, type, wings, subtypes, and arrows, the authors discuss Types in relationships and at work. They provide stories as learning tools through which the reader can see different Type interact with a fictional situation. The back of the book has tips for each Type and questions to consider for healthy daily living.

Millenneagram by Hannah Paasch

Millenneagram is an Enneagram primer written by a Millennial and especially for Millennials, though it can be enjoyed by any age group. The author has an irreverent, witty, unique take on describing the nine EnneaTypes. The book will make you laugh and cry, though it does contain a good amount of swearing. LGBTQ+ and Exevangelical friendly, there is a definite edge to this tome, but I think it’s well worth the read no matter who you are.

Self to Lose Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil

This is another book about the Enneagram from a Christian perspective, though I found it to be light and easier to get from start to finish than Rohr’s book. This has a great take on the Authentic Self and lovely healing prayers at the back that could be adapted as mantras for people of other faith’s or spiritual traditions.

Relationships

The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile

A true gem of a book, this resource is all about relationships. Suzanne takes readers through how the nine Types interact and possibly react to each other with wisdom, good humor, and deep insight. This is a must read for anyone seeking to use the Enneagram as a tool to better understand and love the people in their lives.

The Enneagram in Love & Work by Helen Palmer

This book is exactly as described, an investigative peek into how different types would predictably behave in intimate relationships and in the workplace. Palmer is one of the Enneagram greats, and this book is a must read for its detailed, helpful, and informational take on the drives and motivations of the Types in relationships and at work. She takes the reader deep into the psyche with wonderful and realistic insights that have practical, real-life applications.

Are You My Type, Am I Yours? by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

This book is full of cartoon illustrations, a good resource for more visual learners. The authors have an interesting take on the Types in relationships, pointing out what each might think or say about the others. A lighthearted read that has a couple moments of depth.

Deep Dives

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

If ever you wanted a peek beneath your own skin, down into the abyss of your psyche and soul, this is the book for you! Riso & Hudson provided nine detailed levels of each type, with Level One being the healthiest version of the number and Level Nine being the darkest, most disintegrated space. This book is for people wanting to do serious Enneagram work on self-discovery and awareness.

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut, PhD

This is one of my favorite Enneagram resources with Chestnut diving into Subtypes, the three survival modes, if you will, for each Type. The book is divided into sections that describe the three subtypes for each number. I’ve found it an invaluable tool for being able to distinguish the differences in motivation and behavior within Type. A bunch of Type Two’s can all seem so different, and yet be the same number. This book explains why.

Niche Topics

The Art of Typing: Powerful Tools for Enneagram Typing by Ginger Lapid-Bogda, PhD

If you are at all uncertain of your Type, or trying to help a friend, family-member, or client figure out their number, this is an amazing resource! The author goes through every combination of Type and asks insightful questions—then provides the answer each Type might say. She really helps readers dig into motivations and drives behind Type, rather than simply typing by behavior alone. Highly recommend.

The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth by Christopher L. Heuertz

This book is a lyrical and beautifully written take on the Enneagram with a special emphasis on the pathways illuminated by Type back to the True Self and God. Heuertz provides in-depth contemplative practices for each number. He further explains and identifies why each Type would respond to a practice well and how everyone can experience healing within stillness, silence, and solitude. This book is written from a Christian perspective, but it’s so open and encompassing, people of different faiths could easily adapt it to fit their beliefs.

*Be sure to check out my new store for affordable Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print out and use instantly!*

Sexual/One-On-One Type Four: Maria Bowler & Melissa Joy Livermore

Posted on October 14, 2019October 12, 2019 by melissakircher

Happy Monday! Today, we will continue our investigation into subtypes and look at the Sexual or One-On-One Type Four. I’m excited to have Sx Fours Melissa Joy Livermore and Maria Bowler (she, half of the hilarious Enneadog duo on Twitter) on the Enneagram Paths blog, sharing with us about their unique experiences as this subtype.

Beatrice Chestnut in her book, The Complete Enneagram, describes Sexual Fours rather thoroughly (as she does all the 27 subtypes, it’s definitely worth picking up). She says, “These Fours like and need emotional intensity. Without intensity, everything can seem unbearably dull and boring. When Sexual Fours want somebody’s love, they can be very direct about asking for what they need, or they can become “extraordinary”—make themselves seem special and attractive and superior—in an effort to attract it… Sexual Fours believe it’s good to be the best. Most people want to present a good image to others, but Sexual Fours don’t care very much about image management or being liked. For them, it’s better to be superior. They are highly competitive, and their intense focus on competition takes the form of actively striving to show they are the best.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

And now let’s hear from our interviewees, Maria and Melissa. Thanks so much for being here you two!

Maria Bowler is a poet, teacher, and spiritual director. You can find out more about her work at www.mariabowler.com. Catch her Enneagram Twitter memes at @enneadog. See her less frequently @mariaevb.

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

I’ll be honest, the term “Sexual Instinct” still throws me off a little, but it relates to the idea that we have a survival instinct to make intimate connections and extend our impact on the world. In practical terms, it’s much broader than actual sex; I experience it as the impulse to make the most of life out of any situation. And it shows up in really mundane ways.

A small example from years ago comes to mind: The first time I went to the beach on the Atlantic Ocean, I waded into the water by myself as far as I was comfortable, stood still, and let the waves crash onto me to see how it would feel. I wasn’t trying to get hurt—I just wanted to get the most feeling I could! My Sp boyfriend at the time was with me, and he thought that was a little bit bananas.

When I was younger, I thought my Sx instinct meant I was emotionally brave; I saw people turn away from intense people or material, whereas I moved toward it. I was drawn to wherever the fire was, whether it was exciting music, new ideas, or the personalities in a room. Fours, in general, are drawn to “authenticity” (a loaded word!) and I think my Sx logic was, the more extreme something is, the more true or authentic it must be. I was so wrong about that! Turns out you can actually burn yourself and others by standing right next to the metaphorical Fire-of-Intensity-For-Its-Own-Sake at all times.

At this moment in my life, the Sx instinct means that I care about the quality of my interactions a lot, but I won’t force them. I am interested in the edges of things, but don’t necessarily feel the need to push them. I also appreciate a challenge (they’re exciting), provided it doesn’t feel imposed upon me.

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Four shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

Sexual Intimacy: I define this as the need to merge with someone on multiple levels; intellectually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. It’s the need to be mutually affected in some way. This impulse to “click” or “spark” with people (or even environments) is strong, and I feel sad when it’s not possible. On the other hand, I feel very alive when it is possible. A small moment of mutual connection in passing—like “I see you”—can make my day. Of all the things you listed, that intimacy definitely makes me feel the safest.

Close Relationships and Friendships: I feel an intense loyalty to my friends, so I think that’s how the intensity of the Sexual instinct shows up there. I also think it’s my Sexual (or One-to-One) Instinct thing to prefer fewer, closer friends than many, less-close friendships. In the friendships I have, I feel secure when we know we are important to each other without having to talk or hang out all the time.

Connection to Bodily Energy: I think Self-Preservation is my secondary instinct, so I keep a close eye on how much energy I have, except when I’m in a one-to-one conversation with someone. Then, I tend to lose track of time and forget that I’m tired.

In all of these areas, it’s fair to say my energy can be a little bit all or nothing, on or off. Either I’m fully engaged and trying to make the most meaning out of a situation, or I don’t want to be involved at all. That’s probably a very Sx thing. I’m learning to moderate that as I get older.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress expresses itself as open frustration that nothing is happening where I wanted/expected something to happen. It can be work stress, interpersonal stress, whatever. I will lament to someone I’m close to, and the more stressed I get the more widely I’m willing to express this frustration. In stress, I will have a desire in mind (even as simple as a desire to be well when I’m sick), and I’ll find it difficult to distract myself from the fact that it’s not happening.

In health, the desire for depth and intensity meets with humor and equilibrium. I don’t have to move toward the heat as much because I trust that there is enough life and goodness wherever I am. I can really enjoy less serious things as they are without wanting them to be more. It’s a more spacious feeling.

Melissa Joy Livermore is an interdisciplinary artist that deeply values connectedness and introspection. Much of her work, from the deconstruction of canvas—thread by thread, to the use of Instagram as a platform for performative action, lies at the intersection of the two ideas.

Website: melissajoylivermoreart.com

Instagram: @melissajoylivermore Twitter: @mjoyliver

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

My whole life seems to revolve around connection. Living on three different continents in a period of three years has been a very clear illustration of this reality for me. The hardest part was developing and maintaining relationships. Sustaining significant connections at a distance, clinging to connections with other expats due to shared experience, and cultivating relationships in a new cultural context was challenging. Then, those connections were abruptly cut off as I moved to the next place, starting over the cycle of trying to maintain relationships at a distance. As a Type Four, my tendency to feel misunderstood was especially underscored in those spaces. Feeling on the outside, and not in a good place emotionally, it was hard to find one-on-one connections that could provide a sense of being known. This reality perpetuated my tendency to hoard connection, to swallow it whole.

Living overseas magnified my tendencies, however, I have always been drawn to intense connections with people. Growing up in Evangelical spaces, my focus was on getting past the surface to a spiritual connection with people, the deep dive of sharing your whole soul. As an artist, most of my work revolves around the ideas of interpersonal connection, whether that is in examining the way I relate to people on social media or the way language and understanding work hand in hand. With my largest body of work Deconstruction, I focus on the way participation in a shared meditative action can facilitate deep connections with strangers. The same level of intensity I have in relationships is applied to ideas that capture my attention. I dive deeply into them, obsessively focused until the next one arrives; searching for the ways they weave into my everyday experiences and how they resonate with those around me. While I am sure there are other aspects of my life that I am neglecting to mention in this response, it feels like most my of world is summed up in interpersonal connection and the pursuit of composing ideas and concepts—that may or may not be realized.

As I have already mentioned, relationships hold a lot of weight in my life, more than I wish they did sometimes. In terms of sexual relationships, I am just starting the slow unraveling of growing up in Evangelical culture, and the shame that surrounds sexuality for me. Growing up, my experience was mostly long, deep, intense crushes on people with whom I connected deeply. Usually, it was someone that I shared musical interests with, obsessing over brooding lyrics together. But because I did not feel that I could operate freely in those spaces, I dove deep into a longing and desire for a connection that I did not think I could have. I withdrew into my thoughts of what could be, longing narratives that I would pick up from books. I would wait for the other person to make a move while imagining all the ways I would try to connect with them if I could.

In my family life, I shut down my tendencies to feel deeply, and my analytical nature went into overdrive. Because that was was what they accepted. The closest my family gets to deep connection with one another is through spiritual conversations. As I start to move away from those old frameworks, there is a fear of losing connection with them, complicating that process for me. Friendships are where most of my deeper emotional connections have developed. I often wonder if I know the meaning of the word acquaintance. If I connect with someone, the deep dive usually follows. If I do not connect with the person, contact is not usually maintained. I have a tendency to want every friendship to have the intimacy of a close relationship. With my body, I’m growing in the awareness of how disembodied I have been. I feel deeply and live primarily in my mind through the endless analysis of feelings—my Five Wing is strong. I feel the safest when I have at least one relationship of mutual and deep understanding near me geographically.

4. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

I’m still learning how stress and integration play out in my life, and I feel like I am far more aware of how I operate under stress. In those spaces I see a tendency to introject others—to internalize slight judgments or disappointments as cutting off our connection, feeling the need to make up for those moments or to be on guard against future moments that could cause the same breeches in a relationship. I fixate on past hurts, running them repeatedly through my brain, trying to glean new insight from the situations. There is a feeling that something is wrong with me, I often worry that I am too much, too serious, too intense.

As I am becoming more aware of those spaces, it has been helpful for me to approach them with kindness. My analytical tendency to berate myself for failure is very strong, keeping me stuck inside that loop. I often tie failure to relationships. For example, leaving a difficult job, I was more concerned about the loss of relationships that could come from taking that step. When I get stuck in patterns of self-sabotage artistically, I worry that what I make as I grow and change will lead to loss of relationships. There has been a lot of learning to listen to my own voice, developing a relationship with myself that is kind and gentle. Walking in that direction has brought moments of clarity; an ability to see through the fog of how I think I am perceived and to hold space for the fear of rejection. This has been an incredibly helpful lesson in the last few months.

Thank you both so much! – Melissa

Self-Preservation Four: Sharalee Roberts, Justin Brown & Kelly Craig

Posted on October 7, 2019October 4, 2019 by melissakircher

A friend of mine was recently struggling to define her Four subtype, waffling between being a Social (So) Type Four or a Sexual (Sx) Type Four. I found that even though I have a pretty good grasp on what the subtypes are in general, I was no help with the nuances of each and every number. Enter you amazing Twitter-verse people and some digging back into The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. Today, we’re going to learn about the Self-Preservation Type Four (Sp) from Ms. Chestnut and hear from Sharalee, Kelly, and Justin about their experiences as Self-Pres Fours!

According to Chestnut, Self-Pres Fours are the Countertype, expressing envy and suffering much less than the other two subtypes. “[Instead] of dwelling in and expressing envy, this Four works hard to get what others have… Thus, this Four makes a virtue of toughing out difficulties without talking about them, hoping that others will see this, admire them for it, and help them meet their needs… They put themselves in situations that are tough. They test and challenge themselves… This Four tends to be a humanitarian with an empathetic and nurturing disposition, someone who protests for the sake of others and is sensitive to the needy, the dispossessed, and victims of injustice.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

And now, welcome Sharalee, Justin, and Kelly thank you for sharing with us!

My name is Sharalee Roberts. I am a 39-year-old female. I am a film cinematographer, writer, photographer. I have three children and have been married for seventeen years.

Instagram: @sharaleeroberts Twitter: @sharaleeroberts

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

For me personally, a Self-Preservation Type Four displays my desire for my space and my comfort as a way to de-stress the constant emotional connections the Type Four battles with. My mind is in a constant state of high function creativity and I’m also typically the person everyone wants to talk to. I have a need for my den, my home, my Zen space. My home has lots of throw blankets, and plants, with calming paint colors. My office, my room, and my kitchen have to be clean and organized in order for me to find comfort within them. This may be because I’m a Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5). If given the choice of a fun night out for drinks and dinner with friends or a good book under a blanket at home, I’m choosing the book and blanket! I love to push my comfort levels for art. I love a good hike for a picture. I can endure endless hours behind the camera in poor weather. However, at the end of the day when everyone wants to go out and celebrate, I want nothing more than a warm bath and my home. I find comfort in travel. Old spaces and history are warm, inviting, and cathartic. You just probably won’t find me being a chatty Cathy with the stranger on the plane. I will have my earphones in and under the extra blanket that I probably have in my bag. There is no subject that I don’t love to learn about and pick apart, even death and the macabre. Others may find this disturbing, but I am just playfully psychoanalyzing and sifting through all the complicated layers of the subject.

2. How does the Self-Preservation Instinct as a Four shape your need for physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

I need to know I am safe. Physically and emotionally. At the age of 39, I have experienced the lack of security in all the areas of physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships. I have learned how to not panic at the mere idea of the lack of security in these areas. I have also learned to work hard to meet the areas at the level in which I need them. However, the level in which I need each of these has also changed throughout the years. Relationships being the least of these for me, and Energy being the highest right now. Meaning, the level of which I will exert my energy into a high number of relationships has dwindled. People expect a lot emotionally from Type Fours. Even as much as I try to protect my energy, people still tend to drain me. So, I have learned to place a high value on my energy levels and who I am willing to drain it for. Mainly, my immediate family (husband and children) and a close friend. I have drained it too often to the point of severe depression not to be very protective of my energy now.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

When under high stress I can sink into my comfort places to an unhealthy degree. I can stay in bed for days. Blocking my endless spinning thoughts by reading four or five novels a day. I will be obsessive about my space, but not my food. I can be so concerned about what to eat that I cannot eat at all. I can be unwise in spending because looking at a budget is too stressful and I clearly really need one more comfort item. All of my energy turns inward and the endless cycle of negative thoughts and lost conversations from years gone by will resurface to berate me. Depression is very real for Fours—many of us have to constantly manage it or battle with it.

For a Healthy Self Pres Four, it’s all about balance. It’s learning about what is a healthy lack of communication with family and friends versus when my depression is returning. I have to balance my diet with exercise to find balance within my mind. I balance people time with alone time and have learned to find enjoyment and value with both. I set boundaries with people, even when I want to help them because I know they are not healthy for me. Again, going back to protecting that energy and learning when I have the extra to give and when I don’t. I have to balance my work, which I can obsess over to perfectionism, with a non-work-related creative endeavor. I’m currently in pre-production for a business commercial, planning out my fall photoshoots, starting to writing one book, and already in the research phase of another book. It’s non-stop for Fours. I’m always figuring out when to let my crazy creative juices run wild in a project and when to pull back and calm it back down again. It’s finding just the right balance between it all and then recharging my energy within my comfort places.

My name is Justin Brown. I live in Springfield, IL, and I have been learning and studying the language of the Enneagram for nearly two years. As a Type Four I’ve often felt misunderstood, but the Enneagram allowed me to see that I’m not alone.

Twitter: @jlbrownik

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

To be a Self-Preservation Type Four means enduring difficult emotions. It means making sure my frame is intact. It means using my resources, or physical resources (money, time, energy, sustenance) to my advantage in order to keep myself intact or be the best version of myself.

I think that ‘physical’ security is prioritized being a self-preservation type. I think I am perhaps more aware of what I need, or what I need to do in order to feel physically secure. It’s not simply attending to those physical needs that allow me to feel safe, it’s also about how I attend to them. For example, it’s not just about eating food, it’s about what I eat that allows me to feel secure (eating healthy). It’s not simply that I have a shelter that makes me feel secure, it’s also taking care of my living space and cultivating that space for comfort. Time and energy aren’t tangible but, I am cognizant of where my time and energy go. I mostly require time and energy to feel safe. There is an emphasis put on energy though. I am careful where I spend that currency because I can lose it during social interactions being an introvert. When I am limited energy-wise, it affects what I can do or the way I do something because I’m low on energy. I am aware of my energy levels when I’m in the presence of family and friends, and I try not to spend all my energy in one place.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

Under stress, I tend to be more expressive, and I can become suspicious of long-suffering. I may reach out to someone in the form of self-expression to let my plights be known. Under stress, I may become frantic and to cope with what I’m experiencing. I can become “proactive” in an attempt to keep life from becoming even more stressful.

In health, I’m more structured, disciplined, and organized. I live more in the present moment, while also considering the future in order to do what I need to do—in the now to be secure in the future. For example being financially stable, physically healthy, and emotional well/intelligent.

Kelly Craig: Artist/Writer

Instagram: @kellycraigart Twitter: @justkellycraig1

1. What does it mean to you to be a Self-Preservation Type Four?

For me, it means I have a place of safety/nurture to retreat to when the world feels chaotic; when everything feels like it’s too much. In fact, when I look at my core values feeling safe and creating spaces of safety, where others feel safe to be vulnerable, to dialogue and to be themselves, is at the top of my list. Being a Self-Preservation Four also means I surround myself with people who respect that space, even protect it. Also, as a Self-Preservation Four, I don’t enjoy conflict. It causes a lot of anxiety and doesn’t bring out the best in me. I want to be with people who bring out the best in me even in spaces of accountability or differing points of view.

As a Self-Preservation Four, my home aesthetic is really important. I want it to feel intuitive & peaceful (which doesn’t always happen). Also as an artist, I have always been drawn to nice things. In my studio—one of my primary nesting spaces—is a chair hammock so I can rock in it to feel physically secure and facilitate energy for creative ideas. Even as a kid, growing up where we didn’t have a lot of money to buy a lot of extra things, etc, and without knowing the price, I almost always picked the most expensive pair. My nickname in our family was “princess.”

2. How does the Self-Preservation Instinct as a Four shade your need for physical security, including food, shelter, money, time, energy, and relationships? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

You may laugh, but when my family sits down at the dinner table (food & shelter), it’s really important that we make sure everyone has enough to eat. It’s important for my kids to think about other people in this way. Actually, having a “family table” is also a central value to me. Oddly (because I’m not the typical throw paint to the wind artist), I handle most of the finances.

Regarding energy, I get easily drained by too much noise or chaos. If I don’t protect that, I get anxious and frustrated. Enter the need for space to breathe and express through words, photographs, drawings, and painting.

As for the primary need for feeling safe, by far it’s having that “nesting space,” (physically, emotionally, even spiritually) which if I don’t have this, it negatively affects my relationships, with myself and others. Like I said before, if I don’t feel safe or secure in my home, even relationships, I won’t have peace. And if I don’t have peace, the energy of that invades my home, my time, my energy levels, all relational things, and it taxes me. I feel like I’m losing myself (being swallowed up). And honestly, that’s death for any Type Four. In the end, I’m my best self when I feel honored and protected. In those spaces, I flourish and can engage in arguments without losing my peace.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Self-Preservation Four?

For me, stress is being so busy that I don’t get time to saturate myself in the things that feed my soul or energize my creativity like nature, writing, taking pictures, and one-on-one time with my children and husband.

Integration/Health happens when I can take that inner peace, energy, and positively affect the world around me instead of letting the world and its chaos affect me to the place where I hide. Honestly, the word “BALANCE” has been my life’s mantra for as long as I can remember. I am on a life-long journey of knowing when to reach out from my nest/cocoon versus knowing when to stay in that place. And because life is life, I know disagreement will arise. So, I have to discern when it’s safe to dialogue and tackle hard and when it’s not. Enter everyone’s favorite word, boundaries!! I think Fours, especially Self-Preservation Fours, need to know how to navigate this because of a propensity towards extremes.

Thank you three so much! – Melissa