Tag: Enneagram and love

Darkness Growth for Each Enneagram Type

Darkness Growth for Each Enneagram Type

Posted on by melissakircher


What is Enneagram Darkness Growth?

A few thoughts on darkness in general. Darkness is something we try to avoid, right? And it IS awful going through a dark time or feeling in a dark place. Yet, darkness is an underrated state of being; it can actually be one of the most fertile moments in our lives. Deep stress, hurt, pain, transition, betrayal, uncertainty, and loss are all ripe for extraordinary change, growth learning, rebirth, and renewal. The following darkness ideas for each Enneagram Type might feel really “ouch”, but in actuality, are huge opportunities for growth.

The term I’m using “Darkness Growth” stems from the idea of a shadow side found in many Enneagram teachings. The shadow is characteristics, behaviors, and motivations that we exhibit but are not consciously aware. Both helpful traits and unhelpful are hidden in shadow, and can be brought to light to form a whole, integrated person.

The key with Darkness Growth is to remember we don’t shame or hate ourselves, we face the dark with courage to realize some behaviors harm us now, even if they’ve helped us survive for years. You have to love yourself first, to be able to authentically grow. Take the following thoughts and ruminate on them. See if they resonate with you in any way, and what questions you might ask yourself about what the darkness is inviting you into.

Darkness Growth Type One:

Pointing out the incorrect politics, moral failings, and questionable behavior of others to make the world better and prove your own goodness, only serves to exhaust you and alienate people. How can you embrace the spectrum of humanity?

Darkness Growth Type Two:

Cultivating an image of how good you are by constantly being there for others actually serves to disconnect you from your true feelings and personhood, turning you from falsely helpful to demanding and needy. How can you love yourself well first?

Darkness Growth Type Three:

Your character-shifting gets you admiration, likes, and success, but when it comes time to be intimate and love deeply, you will struggle because you don’t know who is the real you to share. How can you be still, in order to connect with yourself more fully?

Darkness Growth Type Four:

Idealization of self and others pulls people in, then pushes them away. This pattern solidifies your untrue victim status when people get fed up and leave. But you’re not a victim, you’re the perpetrator. How can you empower yourself with commitment?

Darkness Growth Type Five:

Your boundaries keep people from hurting you and affecting your perceived safety. But when shit hits the fan, you won’t have a network of people to help when you really can’t help yourself. Your aloneness will be real. How can you let others in?

Darkness Growth Type Six:

The search for certainty in situations and people is a self-defeating survival tool. Eventually everything will disappoint you, confirming an untrue belief that the world is unsafe. How can you shift your perspective to realistic optimism?

Darkness Growth Type Seven:

If you only show people the fun, energetic, happy side of you, they will come to think you’re truly happy all the time. It’s then not their fault that they don’t check on you or see the pain you’re experiencing. How can you share your heart?

Darkness Growth Type Eight:

You can technically treat people however you want, disregarding their feelings or etiquette. But then, when you realize you have tender, needy feelings that require love and nurturing, don’t expect compassion. How can you treat others better?

Darkness Growth Type Nine:

You can be so affable and nice that people forget you exist sometimes. The desire to avoid sticky situations backfires to eject you from a life that needs your active presence. How can you shine today?

Sexual/One-on-One Enneagram Subtype: Sevens

Sexual/One-on-One Enneagram Subtype: Sevens

Posted on by melissakircher

Welcome back from the holidays, Ennea-lovers! I hope you all had a good (not-too-stressful) season with family, friends, and loved ones. Today on the blog, we’re diving back into Enneagram subtype interviews. I love hearing from readers and fellow Ennea-nerds on Twitter and IG! It’s fun to learn from and alongside each other as we explore the nuance and depth of the Enneagram.

We‘re going to continue to look to Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram, for a quick Sx Seven roundup. Her book is amazing, and I would totally recommend it for researching subtypes. About Sx Sevens she says,”Contrary to what we might expect from this ‘Sexual’ Seven subtype, this Seven is not so much focused on sex as they are on the essence of love. Sexual Sevens fall in love very easily, but they’re not as interested in having sex with someone as they are in attaining a kind of idealized ultimate connection…They are gluttons for things of the higher world, and this makes them dreamers. They often feel an attraction to spiritual or metaphysical experience, as well as to extraordinary or esoteric things…For the Sexual Seven, earthly things take effort, and can therefore feel boring or tedious, whereas the mind works easily and without friction. It’s much easier to imagine doing something than to actually do it.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

Sexual Type Sevens

Both Sevens chose to remain anonymous for this post. Thank you each so much for being here on Enneagram Paths!

Anonymous Seven I

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? It has been liberating. When I first started this journey, I believed that I was a Social Seven. That it was about my social standing and being in a group. But more and more, I have looked at myself and realized I am a One-on-One/Sexual Seven. I love that I really am about a deep connection to others and get energy from close relationships. In health—at my best—I bring an energy and optimism to deep conversations to let people know that I have learned to step into my pain and that there is life on the other side of pain.

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? It was in this area of my life that through reading and learning about the Enneagram, I knew I was a Type Seven. I wanted that connection, and if it was not happening organically, I would do anything I could to manufacture intimacy. Due to childhood trauma and false intimacy, I became addicted to wanting that connection. Pornography became a way for me to have that “intimacy”. I have also had to learn how to not force intimacy in friendships and my close relationships when they just needed a more light-hearted connection. When I get to have meaningful time with friends and close relationships, it fuels me for a while. I do, however, find myself in the middle of that time planning for the next time an interaction can happen.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? Stress for me means that others aren’t doing things right, and I become pretty hard on people. Many times, I do not voice my frustrations; I am making judgements in my mind. When stressed, I want to feel good, so I will turn to addictions. Food, drink, etc. I dislike when I am in this space, so I find ways to make the discomfort go away for a while. In health, I am on a quest to learn more, to love well and to give grace. I find that I want to learn about human behavior, so I read and listen to podcasts. I can sit with people in their pain and be sympathetic and directive. I am an energy that helps get things done and lighten the mood if heavy.

Anonymous Seven II

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? Being a Sexual Type Seven means that I care a lot about other people. I love to give to people and see them for the best that they can be! I mainly see the world that way too, through the most positive outlook. It can even mean that I sometimes don’t accept criticism or negative feelings at all. I can be more sensitive than other Sevens. 

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? I am very aware of my need for other people. I have a select few close friends who I know I can tell anything to, but I also have many others who I’d consider friends. I think that the sexual instinct causes me to crave intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I need someone who will look after me when I don’t know how to; when my emotions are going crazy. It also probably causes me to be confident in my body. I feel like because I see things in such a positive way, I connect to my body more easily than others. I’m aware of how I treat my body, and practice yoga and meditation often. I think the need I require the most to feel safe is knowing that I have a strong base of friends who will always listen and who connect with me by keeping in touch. 

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? When I am stressed, I tend to shut down. I feel overwhelmed, like every word and sound is too much. I have to take time to breathe and refocus or I’ll panic. It really helps when someone can calm me down and tell me that everything will be okay. The most healthy me is when I can say no to destructive patterns of impulsiveness and think before I act. I am most healthy when I am aware of ALL my emotions, even the sadness and frustration that I might ignore/deny when I’m stressed. 

Loved having and hearing from you amazing Sevens! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my Type Seven Self-Love Download to print and use instantly!*

Respecting the 9 Enneagram Types

Respecting the 9 Enneagram Types

Posted on by melissakircher

Respect can be defined as, “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” With healthy respect you and I have the capacity to appreciate the differences within each Enneagram Type, and within each unique soul, even when those differences might feel confusing or polarizing. (Or drive us crazy!)

Respecting each other allows us to treat all human beings with dignity and worth, something our world today needs more than ever. Think about the change that happens when two people who might not normally get along decide to respect each other. A shift happens, an energy moves, and suddenly peace is possible—even within disagreement.

Here is a quick list of tips for respecting the nine Enneagram Types.

Respecting a 1:

Thank them for a job well done, making sure to point out that you’ve noticed how thoroughly they completed every part of the task. Ones work hard for your benefit.

Respecting a 2:

Send them a handwritten thank you card for something they’ve done for you, affirming how much you love them. Acknowledge how much they give.

Respecting a 3:

Appreciate their doing as an act of investing in a relationship, person, organization, or cause. Their work has a direct connection to their hearts and should be treated with care.

Respecting a 4:

Invite them to share their opinions about hard issues. They have a deep well of emotional intelligence that often goes unnoticed in meetings, conflicts, projects, and on teams. They want to use their EQ to help.

Respecting a 5:

Don’t interrupt them. It takes serious effort to coalesce all that thinking into coherent speech. They’re trying hard to share relevant information/wisdom with you.

Respecting a 6:

Allowing space for them to process all the scenarios, because you know they’ll unearth weaknesses in your plan or project that will ultimately help you succeed. Sixes are on your side.

Respecting a 7:

Release the expectation that they’ll always be happy. They have a rich well of wisdom and being to give, but can only do so when space is safe enough for them to share the full spectrum of their selfhood.

Respecting an 8:

Step aside when you see them leading effectively and allow them to be in control. They use their innate power to serve and protect.

Respecting a 9:

BOTH give them time and space to withdraw or go with the flow as they need to keep peace, AND periodically remind them how much their unique presence matters. They love you fiercely.

Hope these tips are helpful! Please feel free to comment below with ways you feel respect as your Type, or ways you’ve learned to respect other Types! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

Loving the 9 Enneagram Types

Loving the 9 Enneagram Types

Posted on by melissakircher

As an Enneagram Type 5, I love to get all wordy and deep, maximizing the nuance and complexity of an issue. However, sometimes we need life to be simple. Sometimes we just need a hit of wisdom to apply here and there; it can truly make a lasting difference.

Here are some quick tips for loving each Enneagram Type well. Next week, we’ll go through respecting each Type!

Loving a Type One:

Their bluntness is more a product of inner critic than anything about you. Have a compassionate, detached chuckle when your 1 says something breathtakingly blunt.

Loving a Type Two:

Constructive criticism must be sandwiched. “You’re awesome + Have you thought about this? + I love you so much.” Gently does it.

Loving a Type Three:

You’re in task mode. Uh, hey, you’re in task mode. *grab by lapels* Fucking stop doing shit and relax! I want to be with you right now. Seriously. Love you.

Loving a Type Four:

After 15 minutes of a full spectrum emotional experience, pat the couch beside you, give your 4 a cuddle and remind them, “I love you exactly as you are.”

Loving a Type Five:

Please, dear god, interrupt your 5 mid word vomit information monologue and ask them if they would like a hug. If they say yes, make that hug authentic, tight, and long. Whisper, “You’re already good enough.”

Loving a Type Six:

If they bombard you with affectionate communication, know it’s more about believing they might be abandoned, than anything to with your trustworthiness. Have clear boundaries, but also affirm your love. A lot.

Loving a Type Seven:

I’m here for you no matter what you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, life is still wonderful. Love you.

Loving a Type Eight:

Stand toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose and remind them that while they are strong as hell, they can be vulnerable now. “You are safe with me. Let out your heart.”

Loving a Type Nine:

Ask them how they feel / what they think and then come back in an hour for the answer. “Because I love you, I want you to have time, but I also really want to know YOU.”

Enjoy your day! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*