Tag: Enneagram Blog

Interview with Type Nine: Kelsey Vaughn

Posted on by melissakircher

robert-lukeman-128794-unsplash.jpg

“Peace is more than the absence of war. Peace is accord. Harmony.”
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

Today on the Enneagram Paths Blog we are lucky to hear from Kelsey Vaughn, an Enneagram Type Nine. Nines are often called “The Peacemakers,” but they are so much more complex and wonderful than a one-line label. Nines are usually are pleasant people, calming to be around, grounded, and fun. They work hard for causes they believe in and stand up for injustice. They love fiercely and are loyal friends. I need to do a Type Nine basics post soon!

Happy to have you, Kelsey, let’s get to it!

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I took an online Enneagram test in college but felt like my results didn’t really fit me, and didn’t think much of it for a couple of years after that. Then I started seeing a therapist who does some work with the Enneagram, and found out that I’m a Nine, which fits me much better than whatever I was mistyped as before!

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

I love that I’m able to bring peace into people’s lives. I love that I’m adaptable and able to bond with people by adopting their interests and passions. I love that I can understand and empathize with almost anyone. I dislike my tendency to withdraw from conflict and my lack of tolerance for it. I also don’t like that it often takes me a long time to process the needs of people I care about and come up with appropriate responses.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three? 

When I’m stressed, my ability to empathize with other people suffers, and I get increasingly drawn into negative thought spirals that center on my own insecurities. It becomes difficult for me to function in relationships because I withdraw from whatever conflict is present, and I completely blame myself for it. I also tend to lose body awareness when I’m stressed, which makes it hard to be physically present. When I’m healthier and moving towards Type Three, I become more motivated and energetic, taking on new projects and seeking new experiences with my loved ones. I’m much more able to focus on the positive things in my life.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

I often use my phone or computer to narcotize when I’m stressed. I’ll get sucked into repetitive games, or obsessively scroll through social media. This also contributes to feelings of disembodiment. I check out of external events much more quickly than my inner experience, but if things get too intense, eventually I start losing my train of thought and even momentarily forget why I am upset.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood that our desire to avoid or mitigate conflict doesn’t mean we don’t care. And that just because we can see both sides of an argument doesn’t mean that we’re unwilling to stand up for what we believe in.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

I’m still learning about wings and how they function. I think I am more of a 9w1 because I do have some perfectionist tendencies and can get preoccupied with doing things “right” or having the correct answer. I’m starting to learn how to lean into my 8w more because it helps me to process feelings of anger (not a fun thing for a Nine) and helps me to stand up for myself and be assertive.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

To me, that phrase would mean that I am able to stand on my own and fully inhabit my place in the world. It would mean a letting go of insecurity and a feeling of connection to my inner guidance.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

I’ve been drawn to various different spiritual practices throughout my life. The ones that have called to me most have been meditation, deep reading/Lectio Divina, and the observance of seasons and cycles, whether that be within the context of a liturgical year or through creating my own set of ceremonies. I also enjoy creative pursuits like writing, playing music, and knitting, and have found them to be spiritually fulfilling.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others? 

Learning about the Enneagram has completely changed the way I relate to others and the way I view myself. I think the biggest change has been recognizing that there are different levels of health and integration and that a person under stress might act very differently from how they act when they’re in a healthy place. This perspective helps me to give much more grace to myself and others. I’m able to focus more on providing what someone might need to get back to a more integrated state.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

Anger is a mystery to me some days, but today I am trying to see it less like a force of destruction and more as a force for change and justice. Bravery is a quality I have leaned into hard this year, and I’m proud of myself for the brave things I’ve done. As for Goals, I’m living pretty moment-to-moment right now, but I’m hoping soon to take some time and create some long-term goals for myself.

 

26994311_10215855149197397_4345389627133985936_n

Bio: Hi, I’m Kelsey! I’m a queer nerdy woman living in Portland, OR. I work for a nonprofit that provides opportunities for kids to take music lessons regardless of their ability to pay for them. I love writing, knitting, playing piano, playing board games, and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Twitter: @kvaughn64

 

*Cover Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

 

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

Posted on by melissakircher

rawpixel-1076944-unsplash.jpg“He who masters the power formed by a group of people working together has within his grasp one of the greatest powers known to man.”
― idowu koyenikan, All You Need Is a Ball: What Soccer Teaches Us about Success in Life and Business

Happy Monday everyone! Today, I’m excited to have someone from my hometown of Ellicott City, MD on the blog. It’s a crazy coincidence because we don’t know each other! Tim Brooks is a pastor, coach, and writer… and an Enneagram Type Three.

You will notice that the questions for each Type in the next month or two of interviews are the same. I’ve done this on purpose. In having different people of the same Type answer the same questions, we get to see and understand more deeply the similar motivations, thought patterns, and behavior. But, it also exposes so many nuanced deviations—because we’re humans and we can’t be put in boxes! The Enneagram is a useful tool, but it’s only a tool. We’re unique people with individualized experiences and to really grasp The Enneagram’s potential for personal growth, it’s so helpful to hear from as many diverse perspectives as possible! This blog is a brave space open to all beliefs or non-beliefs, all genders, and orientations.

Welcome, Tim! I’m so glad to have you here. Thank you for your willingness to share.

Type Three Interview: Tim Brooks

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I struggle to understand how people even view life differently than this! My wife once told me that she didn’t have goals of grandeur, that a simple life would make her happy, and I wasn’t sure even how to be married to that (I have come around, it was a short crisis). I’m hyper-competitive and still unsure if that is a result of being a Type Three, or if it feeds my Three-ness. But I do have an insatiable need to win, making competitions out of the most mundane tasks (how fast I can get in and out of a grocery store, beating the caravan back from a staff lunch, guiding my daughter’s soccer teams to victory, etc.)

If I’m feeling unchallenged, I tend to think I’m wasting time. I then add a new side-project, join a new committee or board, or even change jobs. Mastery equals monotony very quickly for me, whereas many of my friends feel accomplished by mastery, I feel boredom.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

Emotions don’t play a huge role in my life, so I think heart is cut out of the equation. I’m suspicious of emotions as liars because it’s so easy to use them to manipulate and to be manipulated. As such, my authentic feelings are always at war with my rational thoughts. I bounce between the two. There are times that I have a gut sense of what needs to be done that seems overwhelmed by rational thought. But I have a deep confidence that I can beat the odds, and doing what my gut tells me to do is possible. I tend to be willing to bet on myself, and that pays off more often than it doesn’t. But when it doesn’t pay off, there tend to be catastrophic consequences.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six? 

When I’m stressed and go Type Nine, people don’t know what to do with me. I am usually a reliable leader (especially in my family), and when I go full “leave me alone, I’m playing video games, and I’m in my own little world,” it creates a void in the systems I usually cultivate, and I think people feel my stress.

My wife is a Six, and she drives me nuts in the normal marriage way. Think 3/6 marriage! I always want to break ceilings and accomplish something new, and man is she afraid of new! If she was writing this, she could tell you all about how I drive her crazy as well. But when I go to a Type Six in health, I suspect I’m more governed by the rational part of me: planning, articulating, weighing risk, being practical. My wife loves it when I live there.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

Yeah, in some ways it’s exhausting, trying, as the Apostle Paul put it, “to be all things to all people.” As a pastor, I feel this tension most acutely when I move from younger people to older people. Older folks want a formal, less flawed, articulate pastor who spends time with them. Younger folks want a flawed, fun, relatable character who practices being “real.”

When it comes to politics, I often find myself as a centrist because I am able to hear people from left and right of the political center and really understand their arguments, motivations, and dreams. Rather than not having convictions—as the center is often accused of—my problem is more being able to sympathize with those who are articulating their point at the moment. I really can see both sides of an argument very clearly.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

That we are not “liars” and we are not “fake.” That our ambition is not about thinking we are better than anyone else either. So often, especially when Threes are healthy, our ambition is about elevating all of us: our communities, our churches, our friends, our teams, etc.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I guess I could be a Two Wing. But really, I think I’m more of a full Three. My job as a pastor seems to cultivate the Two Wing… I have to care about people a lot. But, honestly, it takes a ton of energy for me.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Yeah, I know that is deeply true, but I am not sure how it is true—I just know that it is. I don’t know yet how to tell the story of who I am without listing accomplishments.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Spirituality must be corporate for it to work for me. Meditation, personal devotions, etc. quickly turn into my mind wandering, processing all I have to do. But joining with others in prayer, study, book club, worship, conversation, etc. always centers me.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

I’m not good with my own feelings, but I think I am good at helping other people with their feelings. I suppress my emotions – not that I wrestle with them often. I mentioned this earlier, but feelings, which I acknowledge are legitimate, are so easily distorted.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity: My wife hates reading about my Enneagram Type because all she sees is “fake.” I think the chameleon piece is our authentic self… because we aren’t simply what we are solely for self-preservation, but also because we need to be what you need us to be… and we can switch that on easily. If we were all accomplishment, all achievement without being able to be the person you need us to be, we would be aloof. Maybe we still are, but I think moments where we can be what you need, allows for all of us to appreciate each other.

Be: Man, this word is difficult. To be feels so stagnant. I am way more interested in what I want to become.

Pain: I know pain. I know it in many degrees from many moments. Pain makes me better. It makes me want to rise above it. It makes me want to create systems to avoid it. It cultivates empathy within me for others that I can draw on.

 

i-dxttS5N-L

Tim Brooks is the lead pastor at Crossroads Church of the Nazarene in Ellicott City, MD. He is the husband to Charryse, father to Mackenzie (10) and Claire (8). Tim coaches softball, basketball, and soccer. He is an editor for Preacher’s Magazine, a writer for The Community blog, and a contracted author for The Foundry Publishing. He has an earned doctorate from Nazarene Theological Seminary where he studies the overlapping agendas and formational power of pop culture and religious worship.

www.crossroadsnaz.org

http://www.thefoundrycommunity.com/

www.preachersmagazine.org

Twitter: @pastortimbrooks

Type Seven, More Fun Than Anyone: Alleli Hull

Posted on by melissakircher

aziz-acharki-549137-unsplash

“It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise [people] are able to understand them.” ― Paulo Coelho

Where I live, there has been never-ending rainfall… not fun. I have needed a dose of Type Seven optimism and energy! Good thing my little daughter is a Seven. She makes even the rainiest of days pure sunshine. I’m so excited to have another dose of bright sun this week on Enneagram Paths, Alleli Hull. As a refresher, Type Sevens are “future-oriented, restless people who are generally convinced that something better is just around the corner. They are quick thinkers who have a great deal of energy and who make lots of plans. They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open-minded. They are enthusiasts who enjoy the pleasures of the senses and who don’t believe in any form of self-denial.” (Eclectic Energies, The Enthusiast)

This is just a quick look at basic Type, so let’s dig a bit deeper into the active minds (Head Triad) and deep hearts of Type Sevens, because despite being happy-go-lucky, they are very deep, complex people. Welcome, Alleli!

1. Sevens see and experience the world by trying to enjoy every particle, every second. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I find a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment in noticing little details within the bigger picture. For example, in the song All Time Low by Jon Bellion, every fourth tambourine hit is pitched just a little bit lower than the first three. I am mesmerized that a producer’s brain can think of a detail that small! When I find moments like that in the world around me, I can’t help but share my experience with others!

The label I give this fascination is “simple joy.” I think if more people latched onto this label, we could become less frustrated with the world around us. Simple joy is going for a drive just because, playing card games with friends, making eye contact with a food service worker when saying thank you and watching their face light up. Honestly, it can be even simpler than that—playing my favorite song on repeat for the ninth time, taking my socks and shoes off after work, or even finding another clean shirt in the hamper so I can put off doing laundry for another day. Does simple joy make me a simple person? Heck no! I just like to take time to appreciate the little things.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

The order is as such: Gut —> Head —> Heart

I have a tendency to want to make (and actually make) rash, impulsive decisions in both major and minor ways. But, if I give myself an extra 30 seconds, then I can keep the weight of the matter while getting rid of the emotional charge and make a more rational decision. BUT if I take too much time, then I’ll just go with whatever I feel like in that very moment.

When it comes to indecisive friends looking to me, I normally have our options put in alphabetical order in my head and pick a letter at random. Whatever I land on is the decision we collectively make.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type One? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Five? 

Moving to either One or Five brings focus and detachment to my scattered Seven brain.

When I go to Type One, rules become rigid. I hate when other people around me try to bend and break the rules while simultaneously exempting myself from them. Sometimes I’ll even make up rules in my head and expect people to follow them. I’ll start to detach from the people I’m closest to so I can justify putting my head down and getting through whatever situation I find myself in.

When I go to Type Five, my brain can slow down and focus in on one subject at a time rather than trying to multitask—thinking about how backpacks are made, what I’m going to eat tonight, and how to say anthropomorphize without stuttering over the word, all at once. I get to detach from the emotional charge of what people are saying and look beyond what I’m seeing and hearing. When I’m at my best and most comfortable, I can look like an extroverted Five—my favorite place to be!

4. How does Gluttony play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself lacking satisfaction with experiences, jobs, or people?

I have a massive tendency to over-consume. I’m the person who will eat the last slice of pizza because nobody wants to be “that person.” I like to drive just a little bit faster than the other vehicles around me and, unfortunately, have the driving record to prove it. I binge watched six seasons of Game of Thrones in less than three weeks. Why? Well, why the heck not‽ My reasoning for a lot of the decisions I make can boil down to this: Because I can.

The second part of this questions comes at a very transitional time in my life. Summer just ended (goodbye Six Flags), I recently turned in my two weeks notice and am switching jobs, and I’ve also recently cut out some unhealthy relationships. I’m always “lacking,” but I always find the silver lining to make the best of whatever situation is staring me in the face.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Seven? (And by the way, most of us want to be you!!)

SEVENS HAVE DEPTH!!! We are probably the most easily caricatured type because our natural disposition leans heavily into joyfulness and positivity, but don’t mistake our upbeat demeanor for an empty brain—when healthy, we work incredibly hard for depth and even harder for others to see it.

Sevens are also natural Jacks and Jackies of all trades. We have the intrinsic ability to pick up foundational skills on the fly but will rarely master any one thing. We fill skill gaps until a more qualified person can fill it. By then, we’re ready for more variety and a new challenge anyway!

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Seven?

I am a 7w8. While my natural disposition is to be upbeat and positive, I can get set off pretty quickly if somebody tries to control my mood or actions without permission. I’m not great at being a “good soldier” because that means my decisions aren’t my own.

I also have a really difficult time with people’s opinions stated as absolute. Regardless if I agree or disagree with whoever brought up the statement, my natural bent is to be against it. What is great about sitting in the opposite camp from the other person is now we get to dialogue and dissect; an animated, cordial conversation gets to happen, and now we can bend and stretch the absolute statement to see what it’s really made of.

7. As a Type Seven do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I have to. At some point, the shallow reasoning I have for most of the decisions I make aren’t good enough, and I have to seek out something/someone bigger and wiser than me. While I grew up in church and still stand on the beliefs cited within the Apostle’s Creed, I do not currently ascribe to any spiritual practices.

8. How do thinking and planning show up in your life? Are you able to recognize all the thinking you actually do?

I might be a good future thinker and planner, but I’m a terrible implementer. My brain can only wrap around planning up to two weeks out at a time before I have to take considerable measures to keep my schedule organized. If there is no concrete timeline on future plans, the sky is the limit on what I can or want to do. I have aspirations of becoming a serial podcast creator, recording my own music, fostering multiple dogs at a time, and building my own gaming computer. Those are not difficult to plan and account for the logistical details. Implementing those plans are a completely different story. There are so many other easier events I can execute, so I put many of my aspirations on the back burner to take care of “tomorrow.”

I am constantly in my head, and there are a lot of amoeba-like thoughts and ideas floating around. I can typically track my train of thought, but sometimes I have to play catch up. I have gone from silently appreciating a nice writing utensil to blurting out “Can you shoot a gun in outer space?” thirty seconds later. I know all of the thoughts in-between that got me to that point, but I still have to catch up to myself. When I’m not in a healthy headspace, I’ll have full conversations/arguments with people I’m close within my head. I’ve learned to catch these earlier, so I can dissect why I’m doing this by myself and not with whomever I’m having the “discussion” with and redirect the thought pattern into something more actionable.

9. Talk about what the words Focus, Maturity, and Pain mean to you today.

Focus is selective and subjective. If I find a topic interesting, I will deep dive it until I hit bedrock. For instance: a friend of mine asked me if I could create a playlist for all nine types. I spent eight hours straight curating nine different playlists with songs spanning across different genres and levels of popularity. But if I don’t find the topic interesting, I have to work really hard to find focus and buckle down.

Maturity is a journey in a vehicle that only goes 10 mph to a destination 1000 miles away. Maturity has come really slowly and awkwardly to me. It means rising to whatever occasion is in front of me and embrace what’s uncomfortable. It means learning to minimize my foot-in-mouth syndrome and grow in empathy for the people I am surrounded by. It also means reining in my impulsiveness and owning my situation rather than running from it.

Pain is scary and inevitable. Sometimes pain doesn’t have a resolution—I’m learning that lesson right now.

profile pictureAlleli Hull is a 31-year-old Midwesterner sweating it out in Memphis. She went to school for music performance and can play anything in your typical garage band. She enjoys a little coffee with her sugar and firmly believes the toilet paper roll should be over and not under. She also has a pup named Skander and can’t say no to him. She loves FPS games, and the Halo franchise was her first love. Her room and car might be disasters, but at least all the apps on her phone are in their rightful folders.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/alleli.hull

Instagram: @allelihull

Twitter: @allelihull

*Cover Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

The View from a Two: Rev Marcy Bain

Posted on by melissakircher

lina-silivanova-570244-unsplash

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

―Shannon L. Alder

Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I have had a week! In our corner of the world, it has been raining and raining so torrentially that my house has flooded twice. Oh, and our contractor quit after yelling at me so much he made me cry (what a freaking GEM!), and a pipe leaked, and my first floor has no walls or carpet or anything. This self-preservation Five has had to let go in a major way and deep breathe into realizing people matter and not things. I’ve learned me some stuff this week, ya’ll!

And in the spirit of education, today we’re learning from an interesting, wise, and very self-actualized Type Two, the Rev Marcy Bain! Welcome, Marcy and thank you so much for being part of the Enneagram Paths interview series, where we discover the intricacy of Type by hearing from each other.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

This is a gift and a challenge. Among my partner & my immediate family, I have a reputation of being the best gift giver around the holidays. I will remember something that someone said that they wanted in February, and it will show up under their Christmas tree in December. My partner would say that being with me is a little bit like living in a romantic comedy. I can be extremely present to people and dialed into other people’s wants and needs. It’s a profound source of joy for me when I can successfully meet someone’s needs, and that comes from such a genuine place in me. I love grand gestures. I love small things that communicate caring. Whether I’ve given my partner a $5 flower bundle from Trader Joe’s or I’m surprising her with a grand romantic weekend where I’ve painstakingly laid out an itinerary of 72 hours of bliss—I love all of it. I love seeing her light up. I love it when the people in my life feel loved and cared for by me.

The other gift is that I’m something of a human bullshit detector. When someone says they’re fine—I know when they’re lying to me. When someone is engaging in social engineering or manipulating or otherwise presenting a different self externally then what is happening under the surface for them, I’m also going to pick up on that quickly.

On the challenging side, it’s emotionally exhausting for me to be around people who present a different face externally than what is really going on for them internally. I really struggle with that. When I see a dissonance between someone’s “external” and “internal” states, sometimes I will take the initiative to try to help, fix, or love someone when they haven’t invited me to do so. And hanging back and waiting for the invitation to speak into someone’s life can be a struggle for me sometimes.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I’ve gotten so much better at setting boundaries and taking time for my own self-care. I don’t really burn my candle at both ends anymore, I sleep and eat well, and I say “no” to all kinds of things now both personally and professionally.

Initially, Type Two’s are not rewarded for setting these kinds of boundaries. Our friends and families know us as yes people. So, we are often over utilized. We get ourselves into patterns with people where our relationships are one-sided. We give our time/money/emotional labor, and those things are not reciprocated to us. It used to be that I was at my wit’s end before I’d say no. And if people pressed me beyond my natural limits by encouraging me to do something when I’d already said no, I would see that as an unforgivable boundary violation. I would be so angered by that boundary violation that it would automatically end relationships. By that time I got to that point, there were several other things I should have said no to along the way.

The Catch 22 is that as a Type Two, I fully endorsed, consented, and allowed this relational pattern to develop. As Twos, we have to own and take responsibility for changing it. It’s brave work when you start saying no—because a lot of people are going to exit relationships or distance themselves from you when the one-sided giving goes away. You talk to any Two, and a big part of their personal growth will involve sustaining relationship loss as they tighten up their boundaries. For a long time, my thinking was that I will give generously and from my depths to everyone that crosses my path. I will give people more than they ask or expect of me. And subconsciously I was banking favors with them. When I’m healthy—I truly do love giving to others. But my thinking was that when I’m really in need, or I’m in a bad place, and I need support or care, I’m now going to be able to turn to all these different people, and they’re going to give just as much of themselves to me as I gave to them.

And what I’ve had to learn over time is that this isn’t true. If there isn’t a natural give and take pattern established from day one of a relationship onward, that pattern isn’t magically going to appear when you’re in a lot of pain or when you need support from others.

It was helpful to me to identify that the specific place in my life where I have time/energy/emotional labor to offer unconditionally is in my professional role as a Rev. That is the place that I elect to give to others and caretake for others. When I revert to an interpersonal relationship—my preference is a more even-keel give & take relationship. And because of that, I’m much more disciplined and discerning now about where and in what roles I give my energies to people, how much I give to people, and I make that output proportional to the dynamic that exists in my personal relationships.

3. Talk to us about being a Two in the military? You mentioned you are often read as a Type Eight? Why do you think this is? 

Working for the military has taught me to function in a Type Eight mode as a skill set rather than as a move to stress. My day job is to monitor financial compliance issues with corporations and to enforce penalties when they are not compliant. So basically, all day every day if I’m calling your company, you have gone astray. I handle minor violation to things that may have risen to the level of fraud, and I get all manner of resistance and bullshit nonsense or excuses from corporations as I interact in my job. My day job is to engage in conflict. And the end result is that I had to learn to function as a Type Eight initially for survival, but later it became a primary mode of who I am. I really value being able to be assertive, and direct, and forthright with people and companies.

Some people enjoy conflict. Some people stir up conflict on purpose. I am not that person. I don’t thrive on conflict, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. But I definitely am not afraid of it. In my interpersonal relationships, I also have seen the benefit of working through conflict and coming to an understanding with people. That is so positive and so powerful for growth. Some of my best and most creative relationships are ones that have overcome an initial conflict. The people that pose the most challenges to us also have the potential to be great friends and the people who spur us on in our deepest growth. But both people have to have that mindset. And both people have to want to come to the table in humility and learn from each other for that to be true.

As a leader, I welcome and invite people to directly name conflict with me. I want to know what stumbling blocks exist for me as a leader, and I want to have an honest conversation about what’s going well or where I might have growing edges to overcome. Again, if two people genuinely care about each other and are committed to each other’s flourishing, the growth that sits on the other side of conflict is so powerful.

4. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two?

I have a Three Wing. And at its best, the interplay between the Type Two and Three Wing makes me extremely passionate in the pursuit of my own goals, and also deeply compassionate to others along the way. In other words, I don’t want to succeed at someone else’s expense. I want all boats around me to rise. That’s a personal core value. I want to succeed in a manner that I bring a lot of others along with me. I want everyone who crosses my path to have gained something positive from their time with me—whether they’re in my life for only a season or whether they go the distance of a lifetime.  I want to have drawn out their deepest gifts and harnessed and released them to their full potential.

5. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

Yes, I absolutely did learn this in my formative years. Chronic health issues existed in my immediate family, and a few individuals in my extended family had dealt with substance abuse issues. And my role in my immediate and extended family was always to be the one who had it together so as not to add additional stress on the system. And my second role was to be a caretaker to others. I was praised for not having too many needs. At my healthiest, I do love giving to others. I am a deep well. And it’s incredibly rewarding for me when I can offer something that empowers or inspires someone else to be the best version of themselves.

But the truth is that the older I get, the more I prefer to relegate my giving activities to my professional role as a Rev. And when I move into interpersonal relationships, I expect a more reciprocal or mutual relationship of give & take.

6. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

To be truly known by others. I process most events in my life verbally. So, people who become present to me, and engage in active listening. Mutual vulnerability and shared risk in the relationship. I like to joke that I’m an hour-long coffee chat in a world geared toward 240 characters of Twitter. And I say that as a joke, but I’m really not joking. There are so many complex parts and pieces to me. I can’t be known in a series of tweets, and actually, no one can. Social media is a powerful tool that can bring people together. You can meet like-minded souls. You can network. You can make real friends on social media. But virtual realities are not the same things as reality. We don’t live inside our computers or our Facebook pages.

The disruptive grace and the gift that I bring into any space is that as a bisexual spiritually progressive Rev from an Evangelical faith background who fell in love with a disabled unitarian female partner—and as a woman who works for the military during the day but advocates for peace and non-violence in the evening—I have a lot going on. I have many pieces of self to integrate and bring together. I have an incredible ability to be a cultural translator across any number of divides. In a world that strives to reduce things to their simplest parts or present one-dimensional realities, which social media often does, it’s hard for me to function sometimes. I feel like a disembodied self. Or like I’m being asked to split into selves to fit this niche or that group. So, I do the opposite, trying to draw out the complexity in people. My preference is for long-form exchanges and conversations. I always say that I can break bread and find something amazing about anyone. My interest is to move toward deep knowledge of people.

7. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Experiencing the world through emotion means that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my various relationships with people and the state of those relationships. I’m not someone who compartmentalizes well. If I have a conflict with someone or a trouble spot in the relationship—I will struggle with runaway thoughts about the conflict that are hard for me to reign in and can’t move about my day.

I’ve had to learn coping skills that allow me to prioritize my emotional energy/labor. For example, a conflict with a relative I see once every ten years needs to be assigned a different level of priority in my life than a conflict with an immediate family member or my partner or others who are part of my day-to-day life. And it took a few years of therapy for me to recognize that. Everybody shouldn’t be assigned equal priority. In a Type Two’s bid to love everyone, we can lose sight of this. Everyone isn’t my family. Everybody doesn’t deserve the same amount of my time/energy/attention as my partner. Everybody isn’t my best friend of thirty-plus years. And this lesson has been hard to take hold.

Regarding my body—I feel extremely connected to my body when I am in states of pleasure. I would say that I don’t notice my body all that much in the humdrum normal moments of life, and as a coping mechanism, I actively disconnect from my body and bodily sensations when I’m in extreme stress. So, other people are more likely to see the physical manifestations of stress in me before I am able to see it in myself.

8. What do the words true-self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self. Getting to know my true self is a lifelong quest. For me personally, the true self isn’t a fixed point. I am the me that I am today at age forty, and she is different than the me I was at ten, twenty, and thirty—but all of those versions of self have had a hand in shaping this version of self. True self is an ongoing project and an evolutionary state. I find the quest of making space for a self to learn and grow and change a deeply rewarding quest. I hope to spend my whole life living into all of my questions and inviting others to join me on the journey. My main mediums for exploring the self are: art & creative disciplines, spirituality, and psychology.

Rage. Rage is a tricky one. I am often not in touch with my own sense of anger. And I usually have to be in a state something close to rage for me to recognize that I’m angry at all. So, the way this can sometimes manifest itself in a relationship is that something that’s bothering me will stew for a very long time, and if I make bids for this conflict to be addressed—and other people blow me off or diminish the seriousness of my request—I’ll try to push it back down instead of advocating for myself. Eventually, if I can’t deny it or push something down anymore, I’ll erupt. My partner has quickly learned that I don’t get angry often, but when I do get genuinely angry, I stay in that state for a long time. I’m slow to be moved to the point of anger but also slow to return to a steady state and calm back down as well.

Voice. For me, voice is another exciting aspect of self that changes over time. And my goal in all settings is to offer people my authentic voice. My mediums for communicating my voice are: art, spirituality, and public and performance-oriented settings. For me, there is a decisively public aspect to voice. It’s not enough for me to just know my own voice, there’s an impulse in me to share my voice as a gift to and for others. And one of the things I find most rewarding is if my voice can encourage, inspire, or empower someone else to develop and share their own voice too.

Marcy Professional PictureRev Marcy Bain is an ordained Presbyterian Minister, a Govt civil servant, and owner/founder of Holy Shift LLC a consulting business that serves faith organizations, companies, and individuals. Holy Shift is about harnessing the spiritual and creative potential intrinsically flowing through all of us and living into our fullness in every sphere of our personal, professional, or organizational lives.

Twitter: @Holyshiftdayton & @Birevgal
IG: @HolyShiftDayton
Facebook: @RevMarcyBain 

*Photo by Lina Silivanova on Unsplash

Some Time with a Nine: Marc Frigon

Posted on by melissakircher

nathaniel-tetteh-800097-unsplash

“When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed.” ― Fred Rogers

Happy Monday! Welcome to Marc Frigon, an Enneagram Type Nine and one of my former college classmates from way back when. (And yet somehow we’re both still technically millennials!) Thank you for being here, Marc, and sharing a bit about your experiences as a Nine.

1. When and how did you discover you are a Type Nine?

I learned I was a Nine while reading The Road Back to You, by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. The first I had ever heard about the Enneagram was when I discovered “The Liturgists Podcast,” and they kept mentioning these cryptic numbers that represented certain essential aspects about themselves. I had no idea what they signified at the time, but I was intrigued. Immediately, I started reading everything Google could tell me about the Enneagram, and shortly thereafter I had The Road Back to You in hand!

It was difficult to type myself at first since I kept seeing myself in lots of the different numbers, but when I got to the chapter on Nines, so much of what they described pages was ringing true. The kicker was a line on page 69: “…Nines tend to see the world from the viewpoint of every number but their own.” I immediately stopped, put the book down, and laughed out loud at the sheer truth of that statement. At that point, it was like I’d found a key that perfectly matched a locked door in my mind, and when that door opened, everything started to make sense. Needless to say, The Road Back to You has a permanent place on the bookshelf in my cubicle at work, and I still go back and periodically re-read that chapter.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number?

My favorite aspect of being a Nine is that I relate to others’ viewpoints so easily. It has enabled me to be a peacemaker in a lot of ways—to find common ground in situations that would be perplexing if I weren’t able to empathize with another person’s motivations and opinions. This, of course, leads directly into one of the two things that I dislike most about being a Nine: the fact that it’s a long, difficult, and confusing process for me to suss out what my own opinions and beliefs are. Because I so easily merge with others out of a desire for empathy and agreement, the discovery of my type threw me headlong into a process of looking back through my life and reexamining every opinion, belief, and philosophy I’ve ever held through the lens of peacemaking. I finally had to be honest with myself—and that was not easy to do. At least, not at first. Now, I am deeply thankful for that journey, as I feel like I finally have a sense of who I am, what I believe, and what motivates me—quite literally for the first time in my life.

The second thing I dislike about being a Nine is that I’m an insufferable procrastinator. I’m reasonably sure that this stems from the fact that I’m also a perfectionist. I know when there is something I need to work on, it will take me a long time. Even the thought of starting a task tires me out, so I’ll just keep putting it off forever. I’m also easily distracted. When I’m working on a task that requires a lot of brainpower, concentration, and time to complete, the temptation to check the Washington Post or Facebook news feed can be almost too much to resist. And if there’s any doubt about the power of my procrastination, it took me almost nine weeks to even begin answering these interview questions!

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three? 

I have a hard time making decisions, but when I’m stressed, I basically become paralyzed. At the same time, I become much more critical of others, and any tendencies toward passive-aggression are much more pronounced. I get more introverted and go hard into my “inner sanctum.” This translates into radio silence with friends, and an irritable attitude at home. Naturally, this creates strain in my closest relationships. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m heading towards my negative Six tendencies, and proactively schedule some alone time (usually in the woods) to satisfy my need for introversion, gather my thoughts, and regain some balance.

When things are in balance, though, my relationships benefit. I’ve struggled with self-confidence for much of my life, but when I move towards the healthy side of Three, I find that I actually have it in abundance. Confidence is the natural result of when I know for sure I’m in sync with my own identity—when I’ve taken the uncomfortable step of being honest with myself and others about what I’m feeling and what my own needs are. I honestly don’t think I’ve felt quite so assured of my own opinions about anything until I started doing Enneagram work. After a lifetime of merging with others’ identities and not having any kind of certainty about my own identity,  going to a healthy Three is freeing. Liberating. It’s enabled me to make hard decisions and stick to them because I knew they are “right action” (to use a bit of Enneagram Nine terminology) and in keeping with the truest part of myself. In my closest relationships with my wife and children, I’m less unsure of myself and irritable, and I can support them when they need to make difficult decisions or undertake challenging tasks.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

The struggle against narcotizing is real! It’s probably my biggest pitfalls as a Nine. My tendencies to procrastinate and to be easily distracted are like twin sirens luring me into a seductive trance of forgetting to experience life. There have been many days where I’ve not felt much of anything. Rather than being mindful and living in the moment, I whittle the day away with distractions and fantasies, then wonder why I’ve done nothing—but still feel out of energy!

5. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

 I’m a 9w1, so my One wing certainly explains my perfectionism and my strong tendency to see things in terms of “right and wrong.” Although I do embody the stereotypically Nine characteristic of wanting to preserve inner and outer harmony at any cost, I credit my One wing with giving me the conviction that I need speak up when something feels so horrifically wrong that I have no other choice. When I’ve felt enough conviction to speak out to friends, family, and coworkers in defense of things that I feel passionate about (such as gender equality and taking a stand for LGBTQI+ rights and inclusion), I’ve been amazed at how it has opened the door to some truly productive, bridge-building conversations. For me, the key is making sure I’m in a healthy enough place psychologically that I feel worthy of taking a stand.

6. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be true?

It would be tremendously empowering. I’m still not quite there yet, but this phrase would make the perfect mantra for me to use in my goal of becoming an integrated Type Nine. Deep down, I know I can handle being fully myself, fully present, fully alive in the moment, but there is still a deeply-ingrained fear of what that means. What if being fully myself costs me friendships with people I have falsely emulated? What if being fully myself requires me to take a stand that threatens my membership in social groups? These are difficult questions, but I know that if that phrase is true, it means that I can handle it. It’s better to be integrated and alive in the moment than to put up a false identity to preserve relationships and social standing. Whatever the cost, the reward of a life honestly lived is worth it, and will lead to deeper and more genuine relationships than would otherwise have been possible.

7. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

This is an interesting question for me to consider at this particular point in my life. As I’ve deconstructed my own outlook on God, spirituality, and matters of faith, I’ve found my most meaningful spiritual experiences have come subtly and unbidden—and they usually involve being out in nature or seeing the Divine in other people. My current spiritual practice has been to let go of the need for theological beliefs and simply live in the moment. The closest I can come to distilling my current “God-concept” into words would be to say that God is Love—in its purest, most powerful, most inclusive, most essential form—as revealed perfectly by Christ (but sadly understood imperfectly by humans), and that She is everywhere and in everyone, if only we have the eyes to see. But even in this description, I feel there is a wideness and a mystery to God that defies the ability of the human mind to comprehend. So I long to accept that the Divine is a mystery, and that to experience life is to experience the Divine and to rest in that.

It occurs to me that as a Nine, it’s probably more natural for me than for other Enneagram types to experience God by stepping fully into that mystical sense of union with the Divine. There is one particular poem that has stuck with me for years, and I would say this, more than anything else, captures the essence of my spiritual practice:

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

 -“The Peace of Wild Things,” by Wendell Berry

8. Talk about what the words Anger and Goals mean to you today.

Anger: Anger is a tough one. It’s something I’ve had to wrestle with since learning about the Nine’s place in the “Anger Triad.” As a Nine, I’m very good at stuffing anger and keeping the peace by suppressing my own feelings. But as a parent of young children who seem uniquely designed to test the limits of my own anger suppression system, I’ve been alarmed by how my anger seems to be right there, simmering just below the surface. With remarkable speed, I can transition from being a calm, compassionate parent, to an impatient, shouting mess. It’s been so helpful to recognize the things that contribute to those angry outbursts so I can try to prepare for them.

Goals: These interview questions keep pointing me toward the fact that Enneagram work is really a goal-setting process. Knowing that I’m a Nine is one thing, but putting that knowledge into action by transforming the way I approach myself and others has definitely required me to set—and attain—many goals. One goal has been to practice having opinions. My wife will tell you that I’m that guy who responds immediately with “Well, what are you craving?” when asked what I’d like to order for take-out. To be honest, I’m still that guy, so in this particular area, I’ve got room to grow. (It’s not lost on me that this exact example is what Ian Cron used to describe Nine-ness in The Road Back to You.) In other areas, I have made more progress. One huge goal I set for myself was to take the time to respond to these interview questions, and I have to say that it’s incredibly gratifying to have seen it through! These questions have helped me to examine my own identity as a Nine in a much deeper sense, and to achieve the goal of being more vulnerable to myself and to others. (From Melissa: “Wahoo!”)

frigon_marc_.jpg
A native of the Boston area, Marc is a proud New Englander and enjoys spending time with his wife and kids, exploring the outdoors, and reading all the things.  He has been a geek for his entire life, and given the opportunity, will gladly talk at length about pretty much anything.  His favorite color is the kind of blue that the sky turns on the first perfectly crisp, clear, flannel shirt-worthy day of mid-fall.

*Photos by Ian Drummond of Drum Drum Photo https://www.drummondphoto.com/ & Nathaniel Tetteh on Unsplash

 

The View From a Two: Brittany Straub

Posted on by melissakircher

chad-madden-164800-unsplash

“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

Today on Enneagram Paths we have Brittany Straub, an awesomely inked lady (check out the picture of her sleeve below) who also happens to be an Enneagram Type 2w3.  Just as a reminder, Don Riso and Russ Hudson — Enneagram gurus — roughly define Type Twos as people who, “are either the most genuinely helpful to others or, when less healthy, the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful… The love and concern they feel — and the genuine good they do — warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile.” Twos are generally concerned with emotions, relationships, and finding love/deep connection.

Welcome, Brittany, we’re so excited to hear from you! Thank you for such insightful responses, I know I learned a good deal about you and being a Two from all you’ve shared.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

Sometimes it feels like I can look at someone and they are begging for help through their smiles. I like to think that when I notice it, it is real, but it isn’t always. There are times that I have been completely off in regards to what that person needed or wanted. In those times I find myself still looking for clues because there’s no way they wouldn’t need me.

Before I was aware that I was a Type Two, and what that meant, I thought I really had my stuff together, and people really trusted me. However, on the flip side, I now realize that most of the time I was pushing myself on people; even some who truly did not want or need anything. And what makes it worse, I wasn’t actually helping to benefit them. It was all for self-gratification so I could say they needed me. I love black sheep — I am one —and I love making another black sheep feel like they belong even more.

Fast forward to today… I still feel like I can “read” people, especially those struggling with something, but instead of prying until I’m allowed to intervene, I listen. I’ve found that just genuinely caring about someone will help us both.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made you feel happy and fulfilled?

This question comes at a very peculiar time for me. I’m recently divorced and have a ten-year-old son that I’m essentially raising on my own. I have NEVER been this kind of exhausted before. Lately, I find myself searching for just a second of silence so that I can do absolutely nothing. I feel like if I were to take any extra time for just myself, then some aspect of my life would unravel. I can’t even go shopping for myself without putting everything for me back and replacing it with something for someone else. I latch onto the sense that I’m not the center of attention and someone else (my son especially) deserves that attention that I almost thought about giving myself.

Being a single parent adds a lot of different layers to this. There will be judgment from family members or people surrounding me that feels like I’m pushing my child aside if I take even one night to go out with friends. This cycle has been very harmful. I’ve stated this is a peculiar time because recently I’ve noticed that I feel like I’m drowning. I actually do need time to myself, for myself! And more importantly for my son. I think I’ll still struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve that free time, but I’m starting to recognize that it’s absolutely necessary for me to stay mentally healthy.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Absolutely everything that I do is centered around how I feel. My attitude is determined by the kind of love I feel I’ve received from the people most important to me that day. I’m a very emotional, passionate person, and I cannot hide how I feel, whether it be overly happy or the inevitable resting bitch face. (Can I say that? Melissa: yes you can!)

When my relationship is struggling, I struggle. But it’s not just struggling in one aspect of my life, it overflows into everything and will consume me until I can fix it. Usually, waiting is out of the question when there is a problem. I need to know I am loved, and everything will be okay almost immediately after an issue has been exposed and resolved.

I’m aware of my thoughts, and I’m always thinking. When I do feel my body, it’s when I’m at the very end of my rope, which usually means I just need sleep.

4. How do you deal with boundaries? Do you set boundaries for yourself? Do you feel like you respect the boundaries of others well?

Boundaries are the hardest thing in the world for me. They make me feel like I am untrustworthy or unwanted. I do have boundaries for myself, but they are easily crossed because I don’t want to upset anyone by letting them know I’m not comfortable with something. As far as other people’s boundaries go, I do feel like I respect them unless I feel disrespected, then EVERYTHING is out the window.

5. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

I do not like myself when I am stressed. I become the exact opposite of everything I believe myself to be, all of the inner self-work, therapy, meditation, prayers… all of it has zero impact on me and how I handle stressful situations. When stressed, I make people feel my presence because I have to be in control, I have to be strong, and I cannot ask for help.

When I am healthy, I am at peace. I strive to stay in that space. The kitchen can be a mess overnight, my son can go to sleep without taking a bath — it doesn’t matter. When healthy, I listen to people when they speak, and HEAR what they are saying. I’m soft around the edges, and easy-going. The struggle for control and power ceases. Honestly, when I feel loved and wanted, I willingly relinquish those things to the person I’m with.  Being in control is something I consider myself to be good at, but it’s not what I want.

6. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two? 

I have a 3 Wing. I feel like it exaggerates a lot of the self-gratification aspects of my personality/Type. I have to be successful, I have to achieve whatever it is I am set on doing. If I’m able to keep that drive focused on work or my family then great!! However, the 3 Wing energy usually ends up back on relationships, and then I become overbearing and smothering, needing to be right.

7. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

100%, absolutely, yes yes yes. I felt like to truly love someone you had to be willing to bleed out to that person. And if they would not do the same for you, then they could not possibly love you the same. If I loved someone enough, took care of them, paid their bills, cleaned their house, cooked for them, and prayed hard enough, then it would be reciprocated, and that person would, in turn, do those things for me — which is what I wanted to make me feel safe and secure.

8. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship? 

Honestly, this has changed drastically for me very recently. I’ve always wanted someone to take care of me, to be “the man of the house”, be strong. I had all that, and it was the loneliest I’ve ever been — surrounded by people. I now want someone to look at me with affection, to tell me everything will be okay when I screw something up, and that they will be next to me to help me figure out how to fix it together. I want them to smile and be happy around me. Then I will know I’m loved and wanted and appreciated. I feel like I have the same requirements for me to feel secure in my own self. I need to know that when I walk into a room, people are happy to see me, trust me to do my job, and trust me with their thoughts/ feelings.

9. What do the words True Self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self: The me behind the thing… the me that doesn’t need to be needed, but is wanted, and not because I’m good at something. The me that is happy and silly and confident.

Rage:  The absolute worst possible reaction, uncontrollable emotions/words/expressions. Nothing makes sense, talking in circles. The need to be right, and noticed. Unnecessarily irrational.

Voice: I don’t think I can answer this 100% just yet. It’s something I’m still working on. I am easily guided by external voices and influences, and listening to myself is proving to be very difficult.

10. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number?

I took the test probably six times praying that I would not be a Type Two! I was a Two every single time. I can tell you what I dislike about my number easily: I don’t like that I’m selfish with my actions, that my motivations are self-fulfilling, and that I’ll use my emotions to manipulate situations, so they are easier for me to navigate and be in control of.

I’m learning to love my number right now. I do genuinely care about people. I love that I am able to separate my need to be needed from their actual need of assistance. I’ve learned to love when someone comes to me for help! I appreciate being asked to do things now, instead of just doing them and then becoming upset because I wasn’t acknowledged for doing it in the first place.

image1.jpeg
Brittany is thirty-four and has a ten-year-old son Killian that looks just like her. She was in the Air Force for six years. She is now a nurse and manages an Orthopedic Surgery office. She’s been divorced for almost two years, which was when she started her sleeve 🙂 She has a boyfriend who is a Type 4w5 and sings like no one she’s ever heard before. You can connect with Brittany on social media at:
Instagram: @britt_straub
Twitter: @brittmstraub
*Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

Both/And: Enneagram Types in Non-Duality

Posted on by melissakircher

elena-tudor-897319-unsplash.jpgOne of the many, many things I love about the Enneagram is the way in which “the work” — or, personal growth — is not intended to be forced. I might not like lots of the characteristics of being a Type Five, but I can’t force my way out of them. I can’t make myself Arrow to Eight or shed it all and get in touch with my true self on command — as much as I might try. It has to happen organically.

The work of the Enneagram is to become healthy the old-fashioned way, through time, experience, insight, life-lessons, other people, spiritual practices, and self-awareness. The key here is time. And since a lifetime is required to become who we really are, there’s a lot of acceptance that has to happen during the in-between. This is where Both/And comes in. It’s the idea that life can be experienced in non-duality — the same way you can look at a pencil and just see an eraser, or turn it and see the tip, yellow side, and eraser. It’s still a pencil, but there are different views, different ways it can be experienced and seen. People are like this. We can be two things at once. We can be many things at once. Confusing, yet true.

I’d invite you to ask yourself how the following Both/And’s might apply to you and how that makes you feel, think, or act. Enjoy!

Both/And Type One: You both have a drive for perfection AND the capacity to understand that the imperfection of life is truly valuable.

Bonus: You can learn to whimsically enjoy things going wrong.

Both/And Type Two: You both need to be loved AND you are innately worthy of love without doing a thing.

Bonus: You can learn how to love yourself well.

Both/And Type Three: You both lose yourself behind a myriad of successful images you present to the world AND have the capacity to be insanely alluring and desirable when you let your authenticity show.

Bonus: You can learn from failure.

Both/And Type Four: You both swim in a sea of fluctuating shallow emotions AND dive deep to find what is authentically true in your heart.

Bonus: You can learn to help others discover their true selves through attention and divine insight.

Both/And Type Five: You are both someone who observes and acquires knowledge to feel distantly safe AND a fountain of innate wisdom, feeling, and connection.

Bonus: You can learn to be vulnerable with others in the moment.

Both/And Type Six: You are both mentally preparing for every worst-case scenario AND innately able to courageously and competently handle unforeseen circumstances.

Bonus: You can learn how to give people your trust.

Both/And Type Seven: You both seek constant stimulation as a way of running from hard/boring things AND have the capacity to truly delight in every day, ordinary events.

Bonus: You can learn to teach others how joy-filled their lives are right now.

Both/And Type Eight: You both react in anger as a way to protect yourself AND have tender hearts that empower others who are marginalized.

Bonus: You get to say fuck more than any other number.

Both/And Type Nine: You both merge with others as a way to narcotize your own feelings AND are powerful forces for uniting people in true peace.

Bonus: You can learn to be fully yourself while mitigating conflict.

kirstyn-paynter-424217-unsplash

Photos by Kirstyn Paynter &  Elena Tudor on Unsplash

 

Enneagram 2w1 vs. 2w3

Posted on by melissakircher

Enneagram Type Twos are often called the Helpers. They have a desire to fulfill the needs of others; often in order to get their own buried needs met. They can sense emotions with clarity and precision and are in the Heart Triad, meaning they experience the world through the lens of feeling and relationships. They know you very well, but when healthy, also know themselves well, maintaining good boundaries and practicing self-care.

Type Two with a One Wing (2w1)

JointUnpleasantAmericancrayfish-size_restricted

In Integration:

Type 2w1s are the warm, generous, loving people you’d expect, with a shade of moral obligation and resolve thrown into the mix. Their desire to do good in the world and to meet the needs of others is amplified by the 1w motivation of correctness. Their generosity is often turned toward social justice and they truly wish to change the world for the better through their efforts. “They are often Good Samaritans, willing to take on thankless and unglamorous tasks that others generally avoid.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson, pg. 130) Type Twos are in the Heart Center Triad, but the 1w brings a measure of the Body Center. This is advantageous to the 2w1 because they have help processing their reality with body energy, more easily recognizing when their feelings threaten to overtake them. The 1w is also empowering, supplying the Type Two with a sense of physical presence and backbone.

In Stress/Disintegration:

In stress, the 2w1 experiences the drive for perfection of Type Ones. They still want to be needed and give, but the 1w makes them think that they know best. Often, 2w1s in stress will begin to impose their “help” onto other people, intruding into their lives in order to tell them the correct thing to do. They can often seem preachy, going on and on about what they perceive to be right — in your life, not theirs — and rub others the wrong way. 2w1s in stress can also struggle with severely judging themselves. Type Twos have trouble recognizing their own feelings and needs, and the 1w makes them further think that personal desire is somehow wrong or selfish. They toil away for others but often resent the fact they are not recognized for their work. In extreme duress, the 2w1 can even begin to neglect their bodies, melding together the body shame of Type Twos and the strive toward physical perfection of Type Ones. This can lead to bodily neglect, eating disorders, or extreme exercise regimens.

Type Two with a Three Wing (2w3)

tumblr_ljbtugLywD1qc85hro1_500.gif

In Integration:

2w3s are solidly in the Heart Triad, therefore they will be more good-humored and social than 2w1s. They will be more driven by their feelings (often unconscious) and the feelings of others. 2w3s seek security by trying to foster as many relationships as possible and by supporting those they love. Because they are innately more social, they have more socially pleasing manners than 2w1s—they are charismatic, alluring, chatty, versatile, adventurous, and generally pleasant to be around. They often like to be the host or hostess and gather people in their homes or out at parties. They want to offer all their good qualities and advice to others. It makes them feel good to give wholeheartedly of themselves and they do so to advance the experiences and lives of those they care about. They are less caretakers and more the attentive host.

In Stress/Disintegration:

2w3s in stress will find it challenging to see past overwhelming feelings; their entire reality will seem clouded by the feelings of others that they perceive so strongly and their own emotions that are repressed but bubble up from time to time. The fact that they lack a wing in a different Center/Triad makes self-awareness much more difficult. The influence of a Head or Body energy would help pull them out of their conditioned patterns of behavior. 2w3s will have to work extra hard to overcome autopilot. They might have more problems in relationships as they see the huge, self-sacrificing gift of their friendship as “enough”. They are sensitive and easily affronted by any criticisms directed their way because the Type Two has poured themselves out for another and the 3w cares about how they are perceived. Criticism is thus a double offense to their overinflated pride. 2w3s in stress can become arrogant, overbearing, authoritarian and are prone to bursts of anger.

Enneagram 9w1 vs 9w8

Posted on by melissakircher

What is the function of the Enneagram wings? In brief, the wings serve as an enhancement of the basic type, they bring out different centers or magnify the (body, heart, mind) center already present in the type, and they introduce different variations of the basic type. Let’s look at the two wings for Type Nine.

Type Nine with a One Wing (9w1)

200

We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” ― Gwendolyn Brooks

In Integration: 

9w1s in health (or integration) are people who combine the desire for peace of a Type Nine with the responsibility and moral obligation of a Type One. They follow the rules and fulfill what is expected of them because they truly want to create a harmonious society — and feel they have a duty to do so. They desire to do good and be good. 9w1s have double body center. 9w1s are generally nice people, like all Nines, and the One wing adds judicious and tactful tendencies. The One wing helps the Nine have a sense of acceptable social behaviors and good conduct. This subtype is much more reserved and orderly than 9w8s. They are less prone to bursts of anger like the other subtype. 9w1s are often spiritually oriented people. They connect to the flow of the universe like the Nine, but the One wing allows them to channel their spiritual experiences into daily practices like yoga, prayer, meditation, the reading of sacred texts, and reflection. The One wing is so helpful to the Nine in this way because spiritual practices help the Nine to restore their inner balance when it’s disrupted. Peace (both inner and outer) is vital to a Nine’s well-being and the One wing creates a drive in a healthy Nine to devote energy to bringing peace into the world. They are adept and patient mediators, social justice initiators, wise sages showing others different paths to the Divine, and generally, they seek to create unity wherever they go. You will experience a 9w1 as a comforting, calm, person who has a firm belief that their efforts towards harmony are important in creating a better world.

In Stress/Disintegration:  In stress, 9w1s goes to the low side of both numbers. They are people who desire peace no matter what. Their anger, feelings, and opinions are repressed in order to sustain this peace, and they do their very best to ignore anything that will disrupt inner and outer harmony. They will put up with abusive behavior from others, they will disregard things that are unfair, and they become inert in the face of challenges. Nines in stress check out naturally, but the One wing compounds this desire to disconnect from everything, including themselves. This detachment can extend for many years, as long as 9w1s remain stressed and cope in unhealthy ways. This can lead to many 9w1s experiencing depression. A 9w1 in disintegration will also exhibit some of the perfectionistic tendencies of Type One. They can start to be obsessively organized, stubbornly insisting that things in life be done the right way and put in proper order. A 9w1 won’t get angry, but they will have attitudes of censure and bitterness.

Type Nine with an Eight Wing (9w8)

8-7

“When two brothers are busy fighting, an evil man can easily attack and rob their poor mother. Mankind should always stay united, standing shoulder to shoulder so evil can never cheat and divide them.” ― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

In Integration: 

9w8s in health are pleasant, agreeable people who also exude an innate sense of authority. They are also a double body center. 9w8s bring a stable, calm, firm, and solid energy into places and situations. The Eight wing brings an aura of strength to the easygoing Type Nine. Their strength is much more reserved and detached than the aggression and raw power of the pure Type Eight, though. The Eight wing helps the Nine to move through life with more common sense, directness, and a take-charge attitude. 9w8s can be leaders, CEOs of big corporations, or politically inclined. (I often wonder if President Obama is either a 9w8 or 9w1.) They are usually very cool under pressure and don’t resort to despair in the face of crisis. Other people truly like and follow 9w8 leaders because they are powerful and compelling, while also being kindhearted, serene, and pleasant.

In Stress/Disintegration: 

In stress, 9w8s take on the low side of Type Nine and the low side of Type Eight. This creates a very strong internal tension because the Nine desires harmony at all costs and the Eight desires to express anger and engage in conflict. Usually, a stressed out 9w8 will be compliant and try to move away from conflict, except for the times when the Eight wing roars and the Nine suddenly explodes. These eruptions of anger serve to try to communicate to people in their lives that a Nine’s boundaries have been crossed. The Eight wing also propels the Nine to step into conflict at the very end in order to diffuse and wrap up a fight in a direct, efficient manner. This allows the 9w8 to then move back to a place of harmony as quickly as possible. 9w8s are not as upset by their anger as 9w1s would be, they don’t feel guilty about it. Their desire is to get back to inner and outer peace; their feeling of normal. One distinguishing feature of the disintegrated 9w8 is their tendency to dissociate from others and their own feelings, all while exacting revenge on people who have wronged them. They are dispassionately vengeful. And like a Type Eight, once you are on their bad side, you are blacklisted forever. They might seem nice and act socially polite, but any kind of relationship with them will be over for good.

Four on the Floor: Interview with Liz Johnson

Posted on by melissakircher

agnieszka-boeske-354851-unsplash“I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Happy Monday everyone! Today on Enneagram Paths we have an interview with Liz Johnson, an Enneagram Type Four. Just to refresh our memories, The Enneagram Institue defines Type Fours as people who, “[are] self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.”

Welcome, Liz, and thank you so much for sharing about yourself and what it’s like to be a Type Four!

Enneagram Type Four

1. Emotions are dominant for Fours as part of the Heart Triad. Are there things you’re learning to do that help balance energy and get in touch with your thoughts and body?  

I’ve been learning to not dwell on my emotions. I’ll catch myself in the act of letting an emotion consume several hours of my day — or sometimes the entire day. Lately, I’ve been telling myself that when something hits (feeling defeated, sadness, anger, etc) to not let my whole self become that feeling. I take the feeling out of my body and let it go. The Enneagram has opened my eyes to how much I allow myself to fully immerse my mind, body, and spirit in an emotion. I hadn’t realized how deep into an emotional rabbit hole I’d go. The more I awaken to this as it’s happening, the more I make the initiative to be productive. Breathing has helped with emotions. Just being still, focusing on the breath going in and out. Emotions can take such a toll on my body. I have to be kind to myself and remember to “breathe” it back to somewhat of a homeostasis, or even do some yoga. Release the negative energy.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number? 

I love that Type Fours can poetically explain how certain emotions feel. This can happen through the lyrics of a song because a Four can cause a person to say, “Yes! that’s exactly how that feels!” Sometimes, the lyrics don’t even make sense but they impact someone in a specific way. Same with art. Fours can take those emotional wounds and create art that stirs something deep within the soul.keagan-henman-479521-unsplash

Also, Fours can hold space for pain without the need to fix it with unrealistic optimism. People need to process suffering organically and at their own pace. If someone shares their pain with me, I want to help them allow themselves to feel it and not prematurely cut it off. It’s part of the healing process. A Four will not encourage you to “just get over it” and brush your pain under the rug. That is not the nature of a Four and I love this part of me. Sometimes, I hate the physical toll emotions have on my mind and body — like I just want to move on already! When I experience an emotion, it is as if it’s held in place by a really strong magnet and it becomes paralyzing. It takes some serious intentional effort to let go.

3. What happens when you’re stressed and go along your Arrow to Type Two? What happens when you’re in a healthy place and go along your Arrow to Type One? 

In stress to Type Two, I can recall times when I’ve been worried about the status of a friendship and would attune to my friend’s needs — while disregarding my own needs. I now see the damage that does to my self-worth. I learned a long time ago that if there’s tension with someone, I can’t set myself aside and selflessly make sure they’re okay. It’s so important to maintain boundaries. It’s also been said that Fours get “clingy” in Two. This could happen if I allowed myself to be that way, but I also know people have their own boundaries, and I have enough common sense to not “cling” a relationship to exhaustion. I keep my distance (because Fours hide a lot anyway), and have had overall decent relationships for a while now.

In health towards a Type One, I notice some of my better days are when I’m intentional and actually commit to creating something. There have been many times I daydream about doing a project, but never actually execute it. My overall mood is a lot better on days when I actually let go of clinging to my emotions and fantasies and create. However, there is still much to process on this Arrow as well.

4. How does envy play out in your interactions with people? Do you find yourself comparing your life, experiences, career, etc. to others? 

It made sense when I read that envy was the “deadly sin” of Type Four. At times, envy has caused me to feel as though my life and creations are worthless and pale in comparison to others. Sometimes, if someone shares an accomplishment I may have a thought like, “I wish I could do that”, instead of fully embracing their joy. I can also relate to the Four’s tendency to feel as if something is missing from an experience. It seems like others experience life to the fullest. I want to be fully engaged in the present like everyone else around me appears to be. It’s so challenging to let go of anything outside of the moment and trust that it doesn’t lack anything.

erik-witsoe-618924-unsplash.jpgThere has also been a divine sweetness in realizing my own story helps me to let go of envy. I am special (said like a true Four) and as I create from my soul, I see more and more that I truly am needed in this world. In realizing this truth, there is no room for envy.

5. Talk about what the words Unique and Authenticity mean to you today. 

Unique makes me think of how I always had this sense that I had to look unique and stand out by wearing outfits that set me apart from everyone! I went through several different phases: grunge, punk, goth, retro, futuristic, etc. This was a way to express myself because I felt like my voice had no worth or wasn’t being heard. I had a lot of emotional pain, therefore fashion was a means by which I could communicate to others.

I’ve realized I’ve been doing Enneagram work unawares for a couple years now. Now that I have a name for this work, it’s shown me how much I long for a vocation — job/work/calling/purpose — that isn’t something I just settle with and do for a paycheck. Over time I’ve come to understand that what I naturally like to do is unique AND authentic, I’ve just been avoiding it. I avoided painting, drawing, and writing because it seemed like a waste of time. But, after taking the time to work on myself and process my pain, I now see that creativity is a means through which I can share myself; by letting others know they’re not alone and encouraging them on their healing journey.

Authenticity. I wonder who I am without the personality of Type Four and it’s coping methods? Who is anyone without their Enneagram number keeping them from being their true, authentic self? It’s so worth the time/energy/money/etc to discover our true selves.

6. Are there any spiritual practices you’re drawn to as a Type Four? 

When creating a piece of art, I not only create from my personality but with a mysterious presence that dwells within me. I tend to live life through a Type Four filter, but even deeper there is a good, true, divine image of our creator and source of life. Often, I’m surprised by what stirs in my soul when I finish a drawing or painting. I’m in awe of the ways my creations have revealed mysterious wonder, wisdom, and truth. I see this as spiritual because these creations do not come to life solely by my humanity, but with a spiritual presence as well. I love to hike and have had incredible divine insight as I walk in the woods. I suppose this has become a spiritual practice as well.

7. How has learning about your Enneagram Type impacted your life and relationships? Has it changed the way you view yourself or others?

We all have some kind of pain or wounding from childhood. Before I knew I was doing the work of the Enneagram, learning about my childhood led me to discover ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). What we experience in childhood can have a huge impact on our minds and bodies, and ACEs research, along with many other similar subjects, has shown the science behind adversity/toxic stress. I came across a TED Talk by Nadine Burke Harris, a pediatrician who is on a mission to encourage ACEs screenings at all childhood wellness visits. I agree with Nadine and hope that with enough awareness of ACEs, there will someday be ACE screenings at all pediatric wellness visits, and ACEs/trauma training in schools.

The work of the Enneagram involves addressing one’s childhood in order to understand why we are a particular Type. I can’t expect my center to move towards health unless I process and heal from childhood wounds. I continue to research my childhood in relation to who I am as an adult which has changed the way I view all my relationships. Knowing and processing my own story and Type has helped me to have grace for the times when I live in a fantasy world rather than live with intention, believe the negative lies in my head, hurt others (or when others hurt me), and numerous other ways I miss the mark.

8. Do you know if you have a Three or Five Wing? If so, tell us about how your Wing supports and enhances the Type Four characteristics. 

juliette-leufke-154599-unsplashI think I might be a Five Wing, but I’m unsure about it. Sometimes it seems like I fit the description of a Three Wing and sometimes a Five wing. I can be both social and private. Sometimes I create with an audience in mind and sometimes I create for myself. The thing that draws me to the Five Wing is the fact that I love to research. When something sparks my interest, I’ll read several books, search about it on Youtube or podcasts, and follow experts on the subject on social media. What I discover from researching fuels an inward fire that impacts what I create. From this fire also comes strength, like that of a Five’s growth towards a healthy Type Eight. As a Four, I desire to have the strength of an Eight. If that’s possible, that is so worth the hard work of the Enneagram!

image-1.jpg

Liz resides in northeast Ohio, a place where she’s able to experience the beauty of each season, welcoming winter with the most joy. She lives with her husband Jon, daughter Roxy and son Kai. She’s an artist and writer, blogging her journey with a focus on ACEs advocacy, personality, spirituality, and the science behind those subjects. She loves to hike, research, and frequently enjoys the creativity and wisdom of a children’s picture book. Instagram: @lizjartist Blog: @painsplatteredholygenes.wordpress.com

 

*Photos by Agnieszka Boeske , Keagan Henman , Erik Witsoe , Juliette Leufke on Unsplash