Enneagram » Enneagram Paths Coaching

T-Shirts For Types

Posted on May 10, 2018May 10, 2018 by melissakircher

We all know that The Enneagram is a tool for personal, spiritual, and relational growth. Yes, it helps us to become more aware of our Type — the ways in which we learned to survive and move about in the world — but it also moves us out of our Type. The Enneagram shows us ways to become more healthy, to find connection with true self or source, and it helps us to unbind from the habitual patterns of our Types. It doesn’t put us in a box; it liberates us from the box.

Which means every once in a while it’s totally okay to be shallow and laugh about all the silly, ridiculous things we get caught in within our Type! My art store is on the website Society6 and they have a ton of hilarious t-shirts. I thought it would be fun to do a quick T–Shirts For Types post and provide ya’ll with quality Enneagram day wear. Enjoy!

*Click on the image to take you to the Society6 page with each shirt for sale. I get zero proceeds from any sale. This is purely for fun.

Type One:

Type Two:

Type Three:

Type Four:

Type Five:

Type Six:

Type Seven:

Type Eight:

Type Nine:

The Ocean of Emotion: Enneagram Type Four

Posted on April 16, 2018April 16, 2018 by melissakircher

“I’ll stop wearing black when you make a darker color.” — Fall Out Boy

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on.’ ‘Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?’ ‘My insides don’t match up with my outsides.’ ‘Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up?’ ‘I don’t know. I’m only me.’ ‘Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.’ ‘But it’s worse for me.’ ‘I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him.’ ‘Probably. But it really is worse for me.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Type Four in Integration – Health

Enneagram Type Fours swim in a deep sea of emotion. They are in the Heart Triad and on a daily basis their fast emotions, the ones that crash over them moment by moment, are waves—truer, more authentic emotions are the ocean itself. In health, Fours know how to ride the waves and become emotionally adept, able to attune with precision to what’s happening inside of them and to what others are feeling, as well. They can be some of the wisest, most attentive listeners, empowering others in a way that brings to light each person’s specialness. Fours also have a talent for making space for pain; you will want them by your side during trials because they will be the ones to sit and cry with you—not trying to fix or solve your problems like many others would do.

Type Fours are often quite creative; the artists and writers and musicians and photographers and dreamers of the world. Though any type may be an artist, Fours are the most common because they desire authenticity and unique expression above all else. They want to be the truest version of themselves and bring an idiosyncratic perspective to whatever they do. This can show up in their outward appearance; Fours usually have a certain aesthetic in the way they dress. They will have kooky, artsy, or highly fashionable clothes or an avant-garde hairstyle—whatever they feel expresses their inner-self best. Some Fours go through a “goth” phase, being drawn to dark makeup and clothing.

At their best they can be amiable, affirming, empathetic, and very nurturing, almost as nurturing as a Type Two. They search for answers to the complex questions in life like: why we are here, what is the purpose of life, and what are people supposed to do? They “have a natural gift for understanding the deeper emotional level of experience and [see] the beauty in darker emotions that other types would rather not feel, much less acknowledge.” (The Complete Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, pg. 268) They use engaging language and symbols to express whatever they turn their energy towards.

A Four working on integration will be actively seeking to regulate how they perceive reality. They stop focusing on lack and instead trend toward a more optimistic outlook on life. Positivity frees them from the hold that their constantly moving emotions has on them and allows Fours to actually produce the art, writing, music, etc. they dream about all the time. Optimism also helps them to accept the mundane aspects of life, which is helpful because a productive creative process is usually very disciplined and routine.

Type Four in Disintegration – Autopilot

“Fours have huge hearts, encompassing all the emotions that could possibly be contained within a heart. Yet the heart of the Four is a paradox; it can seem remarkably present to itself while simultaneously seeming to be cut off from itself. The near-yet-distant heart of the Four fuels the lie ‘I am what other people think or say about me’.” (The Sacred Enneagram, Chris Heuertz, pg. 214)

Fours in autopilot get lost in longing. They long for love above all else and feel that there is something broken or missing inside of them that prevents them from finding or keeping love. They fabricate an ideal of love and can lose themselves in fantasies about it. This fantasizing fulfills them—but just for a while—and then the need for real love takes over and they search for it in others. The tricky thing is that they’re almost addicted to this longing; it’s like a cat and mouse game inside their hearts. The longing itself is what feels special, but once they find love, they quickly become dissatisfied with messy reality and push their lovers away. Back and forth, around and around they go.

The inner landscape of a Four is an intense focus on their own emotions and the ever-present feeling of not being enough or having enough. They can easily shift into melancholy or dark moods, wallowing in shame for not living up to their own imagined ideal. They deal with envy a lot. Their emotions shift rapidly, moving from ecstasy to despair in a matter of minutes. This constant ebb and flow can make the Four think their emotions are unmanageable, wild, or out of control.

Body Language and Speech

In conversation, a Four is recognized by how often they look down to the right or left—this is a sign of being stuck in an inner dialogue or processing emotions as one speaks. A Four will give off signs of their base-level melancholic tendency by their shaded eyelids, sometimes watering eyes, slack shoulders, draped bodies, and a head nearly always tilted to the side. They smile but in a sad way. A Four in autopilot likes to converse about the finer things of life; about art, beauty, design, and fashion. They desire to look unique; one of a kind. When talking they will often pause for long periods of time, or sigh, to give themselves time to contemplate the exact right words to express their inner emotional landscape. A big tell that someone is a Four is a special talent they possess to steer a conversation so it always comes back to them. They come across as self-absorbed and arrogant and can manipulate any topic so that either it relates to them or so that they seem to be the expert on the topic.

Wings

A Type Four will either have a Three Wing or Five Wing—or both.

Arrow to Two in Stress

Entitlement and feelings of uniqueness become worse. Put themselves on a self-righteous pedestal.
Loved ones move away from the Four as they become more self-absorbed and in response the Four experiences longing. They then take on the “giving to get” mindset in order to manipulate others back into a relationship.
Intrude into other people’s lives with the attitude that they know better and are “helping” the person.
Have emotional rages like a Two, sudden onset of crying bouts, bursts of anger—and they cease to take responsibility for their own feelings. It is always the other person’s fault.

Arrow to One in Health

Their emotions and thinking become clearer, they communicate less in metaphor and more in precise ways that others can understand.
Become more practical, less lost in the sea of emotion and more focused on daily tasks and what actually needs to get done to accomplish goals.
More neat and methodical. They care about the proper way things are done and are less lost in fantasy.
Feelings of “otherness” dissipate and the Four can engage in life according to their will. Their moods cease to dictate their actions.
Less apt to hog the conversation and speak only about themselves. They become more interested in others.
They do more and become attuned to their bodies.

*Photos by Toa Heftiba , Matias Rengel , Mubariz Mehdizadeh , Shamim Nakhai on Unsplash

Introducing Your Host: An Interview with Enneagram Paths Writer Melissa Kircher

Posted on April 2, 2018April 2, 2018 by melissakircher

“The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks.” ― Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian

Hello, fellow Enneagram lovers! Today on the blog we have a returning guest, Sam Greenberg, interviewing yours truly—Melissa—Enneagram Paths writer, creator, and a Type Five with Four Wing (5w4).

Sam and I connected on Twitter because we are both women Type Fives—shocking! Neither of us had met another woman Five before, so we e-met. It has been a bit like Christmas getting to email back and forth and ask each other all kinds of questions. She sent me some good, meaty ones that I think are really helpful if you are a Type Five, know a Five, or are in any kind of relationship with a Five. Enjoy all the nerdy mental processing about to come your way!

1. [Melissa] how do you avoid obsessively tinkering something to death before sharing it with the world? How do you know when something is “done”?

Oh, this hits me deep. I’m a visual artist and a writer and I’ve literally had to make it a wellness practice to cut off my projects at a certain point. Nothing ever feels perfect enough. I have loads of ideas—notebooks filled with ideas—and I can execute right up until the end. For some reason, the end of a project or painting feels like death, like someone is peeling off my skin. The energy of it gets all screwed up and where I was breezing through a piece with confidence at the beginning, I’m clawing with fingernails to the end. Understanding that this is a normal Type Five trait has helped me have grace on myself—sometimes. I try to be nice to the inner Melissa who gets caught in mental loops as she strives for perfection OR the fear that whatever it is will fail/not sell/not make a client happy. And in the art world, rejection and failure happen a lot—which is not fun for a Five like me. It reinforces my belief that I’m not competent and should give up. I have both self-published and traditionally published novels and I LOVE traditional publishing. My Five mind can’t handle all the minute details it takes to self-publish, give me editors and cover artists and please take all the executing of many to-do lists out of my poor, tired hands.

I do also have help bringing my work out into the world, I have a Type Three husband who kicks my butt, encourages me, and will take over some of the technical stuff when I feel overwhelmed. I also have a Four wing that creates a strong need for self-expression and visibility. Sometimes, I feel like a Four unicorn and that everyone else must recognize my unique specialness. (Said with heaps of sarcasm.)

2. What is your relationship to things like clothing/shopping, keeping the house clean, or remembering to go to the doctor?

In the clothing area, I am total a mix of Type Five and Type Four. I’m a thrift store junkie because I both abhor paying full-price for anything (cheapskate Five) and don’t want to look like anyone else (special snowflake Four). It’s really hard for me to spend money on anything; I get hives thinking about it and intense guilt after said money is spent—even if it’s on toilet paper! I’m working hard on generosity, on giving more to others and also trying to spend money on myself. For fun. Like normal folks do. My tendency to save and skimp is part of the Five hoarding of resources. It feels dangerous to take anything out of the bank.

Keeping the house clean is an obsession—that I hate. I have two kids now, which compounds this problem. Before kids, I had a very mishmash Five/Four home. It was super clean and minimalist, but also pretty. All our furniture is second-hand or refinished by me. I’m notorious for dumpster-diving and nabbing things off the side of the road. But the Four wing has a definite aesthetic and most people can’t tell how little cash I spend on making my home nice to look at. Now that I have kids, home is one area where the Arrow to Type Seven has kicked in. When I’m stressed, I clean the house. I angry clean. How dare these people live? How dare they drop a crumb? How dare they have specks of earth on their shoes? I’m trying to notice this spiral more—my kids start to feel like an infringement on my safety (I’m a self-preservation Five and home is my Castle of Isolation and Fortitude) and this creates a false need to clean. Instead, what I really need to do is to enter into the moment and enjoy the crazy, and/or sit down and rest.

Also, errands, doctor’s appointments, laundry, parent-teacher conferences, grocery shopping?? OMG, what a waste of my life and precious mental processing time! I try to pawn off as much as I can to the Three hubby who loves Getting. Things. Done. What stinks is that I’m actually super great at grocery shopping because I stick to the budget—life as a Five is so draining!

3. In our email exchange, you said you don’t navigate emotions easily. How has that been for you as an artist?

As an illustrator and painter, it’s easy. Give me good music or a deep podcast and I tap into my emotional self with ease. As a storyteller, one of my greatest weaknesses is presenting the emotions of characters. I can set a damn good scene, but I struggle to invite the reader into a character’s heart with emotion. I think as I do more work to integrate to my healthy Eight Arrow, emotions and a sense of bodily presence might more readily flow into my work.

4. What is your relationship to expressions of emotion such as crying? What about crying in front of other people?

My family does not tolerate crying. When I cried as a child my mother often told me I was, “Out of control.” So I learned to hide. My household was verbally and emotionally abusive and if I wanted to cry about it I had to go into the woods alone (without my Eight brother) or take a long shower where the sound of the water would drown out the sound of my tears. Now, as an adult, they still don’t allow me to cry. If I cry—or show any emotion—I’m told to “calm down” or “stop being ridiculous”. This from my mother, father, and brother.

So, crying about anything going on inside of myself feels shameful even though I will easily tear up when someone else is hurt or in pain—even people I don’t know. I can’t watch the news or see horrific things on the internet, it guts me. Most people find me incredibly empathetic and able to hold space for their emotions, but I’m total crap at feeling my own emotions. It will take a day or two for any emotion to kick in after a conflict or something that upsets me. The Enneagram work I’m doing now with a therapist is to discover my backbone—and to start to feel my emotions as they arise. I want to empathize with myself more. Curiously, bodywork like meditation and yoga have been helping my trapped emotions emerge and I cry more. But not yet very much about myself. And not yet very much in front of others. Work in progress!

5. How has it been for you being a parent?

It is the hardest thing ever. Ever. Ever-ever. As a Type Five and the most introverted introvert I’ve ever met, having a (for now) Type Seven child and Type Eight child with a Type Three husband has burnt the shit out of all my energy reserves. Oh my gosh. It’s so freaking hard. I can’t state enough the difficulty of caring so deeply about two beings (one who is adopted and that’s a whole other thing) and yet I don’t want to be around them 95% of the time.

I’m not nurturing and I’ve had to figure out how to be nurturing. I’m not in my body and yet I’ve had two tiny humans clinging to me all day. I thrive being left alone with my thoughts and these days not thirty seconds goes by without someone hollering, “Mom!”

I’m learning a ton about self-care. I got a therapist for my son who has Reactive Attachment Disorder to help me support him better. I’m learning from my kids: my Seven daughter teaches me to lighten up, laugh, and enjoy things! My Eight son teaches me to have boundaries and feel experiences with my body and that it’s okay to be angry. I have zero support from either side of our families and that is exhausting. I would love help, but I don’t get it, nor am I likely to. So, I’m having to ask for help from friends and also be okay with vetted summer camps and school programs that give me a break. My daughter is going to all day pre-school (she’s four-years-old) five days a week this year. I had to let go of my “mom expectations” and acknowledge that it was best for her and for me.

Seriously, parenting is teaching me all the good-hard things. It’s “brutiful” (brutal and beautiful). And yes, sometimes I do yell, “For the love, would you all just let me think?!”

6. My research is about human sexuality so I am most curious about your dating, romantic and intimate relationship experiences. How have those been for you? Sometimes Fives are so used to being powerless in the world that we like to exercise power in relationships. This would be more of the “shadow” side of 5 relationships.

Well, I’m a weird nut in that I’ve only ever dated my husband. No, it was not some crazy courting thing (not a Duggar), but I was super shy in my teens. I had lots of guy friends in high school because I relate better to males in general, but I definitely sent out an “I’m not available vibe”. Even though inside I was dying for romantic attention.

When I got to college and I finally came into myself, I became much more outgoing and starting dating the guy who would become my husband four years later. I have seen the shadow side of Five in our relationship more than any other. Fives tend to push off emotions and needs, but they build up. And when the dam bursts, it can be explosive! I have lost my freaking mind with my husband and exhibited behaviors like screaming at the top of my lungs or verbal bullying (I “word” him into a corner with insults and sarcasm and “logic”) This shadow side emerges only when every last inch of my boundaries have been crossed and I can’t take any more. The problem is I don’t communicate my feelings or needs or boundaries! So, when a Five finally speaks up, it’s often in a roar. We’ve been pushed past our limits. I’m finding grace for myself when this happens and actively working to make it not part of my life.

The key for me is to learn to start speaking up in small ways about my emotions, needs, and boundaries. I have to let people into my inner world a bit at a time. Then blowups are prevented because I don’t have a giant backlog of grievances and unfelt emotions.

It’s really scary, but I’ve started doing this with my husband and friends and have found so much health and healing in letting out emotions and needs as they arise.

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Interviewer Sam E. Greenberg is a writer and researcher, currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology. Her research interests include human sexuality and relationships, personality theory and ego structures (including the Enneagram!), psychospiritual wellness, social power dynamics, and mechanisms for addressing implicit bias. In her “spare” time, Samantha enjoys dancing, traveling, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her inscrutable dog, Luna. You can find her on Twitter @IntroverteDiva

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Melissa Kircher is an artist, writer, and student of the Enneagram. You can find her work on both Enneagram Paths and her website www.melissakircher.com. She’s currently working toward an Enneagram teaching certification and hopes to offer Enneagram mentoring services late 2018. You can connect with her on Twitter @enneagrampaths and Instagram @enneagrampaths.

*Photos by Park Troopers , Kat J, Thought Catalog on Unsplash

I Feel Pain: A Humorous Look at How Each Enneagram Type Might Intuituvely Respond to Pain

Posted on March 29, 2018 by melissakircher

Type One – I feel pain.

Ah, an imperfection in myself detected. Must find the right diet, mindset, routine, system to obliterate this aberration.

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Type Two – I feel pain.

That’s someone else’s pain, let me go help them. Helping, helping, helping. Serving, serving, serving. Oh gosh darn, this pain is getting stronger and bigger and… (demon voice) NOW YOU WILL ALL FEEL MY WRATH!

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Type Three – I feel pain.

Nah, that was just a bit of indigestion. What’s next? Grab the dry cleaning, construct a chair from scratch using repurposed wood, go to the bank, kill my presentation at work, pick up the kids, and conquer the world… all while lookin’ fly.

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Type Four – I feel pain.

I need to stay in bed all day and wallow in the myriad of ways my life might have turned out differently / fantasize about the ideal scenario in which this misery, this gut-wrenching ache of despair would not have descended on such as I.

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Type Five – I feel pain.

What is the origin of this pain? Why is it manifesting at this particular time in my life? What happened today? There’s gotta be a book about this. Let me just pull up Google…

Type Six – I feel pain.

Damn right. Okay, DEFCON ONE! I’ve prepared for this moment every second of every day. I know my leader and I will now adhere to every one of their principles and guidelines until I’m shepherded back to safety.

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Type Seven – I feel pain.

Oh, look a glitter pen! And there’s a new burger joint I’ve been wanting to try and god, this shirt is old, I need a new one like right now.

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Type Eight – I feel pain.

No, I don’t. F*^ck you, feelings!

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Type Nine – I feel pain.

What? Huh? Oh sorry, I’m a little hazy because I’m between naps. Now, what was I feeling? Pizza, yum. I could go for a slice right now. What do you think? Do you feel hungry?

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Enjoy! – Melissa (Enneagram 5 and books are my best friends)

Enneagram Type One: Basic Characterisitcs and Arrows

Posted on March 26, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

taylor-grote-415994-unsplash “If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“Probably my worst quality is that I get very passionate about what I think is right.” —Hillary Clinton (Type One)

“If we can just let go and trust that things will work out the way they’re supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself.” ― Goldie Hawn

Enneagram Type Ones in integration are the kind of citizens, neighbors, bosses, teachers, and leaders the world so desperately needs. Ones in health are reliable, honest, conscientious, and hardworking. They have a sincere desire to improve the world and do so with integrity. When healthy, Ones contribute an intuitiveness about the natural order of things to leadership-type roles. They brush off their inner critic and become content to live out their personal ideals of wisdom and rightness in their own lives; accepting the humanity of others with grace and magnanimity. When invited to do so, Ones offer discerning insight to problems and be very wise advisors—but this is not a compulsion, an integrated One allows others to be on their own path.

In autopilot, a Type One fixes their attention on perceived imperfections. They notice the two percent of a job done ninety-eight percent well. This hyper-focus on what needs to be changed or made perfect can push them to become unbalanced. A One will often find they have an incessant inner voice that speaks critically about themselves and others. They can often come across as very arrogant—too secure in their idea of their own rightness. Ones in autopilot can be excessively judgmental.

“Average Ones are particularly troubled by perceived inconsistency, either in themselves or others, and therefore they attempt to make all their behavior consistent, sensible, and justifiable.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso and Hudson, pg. 112)

Type Ones often think and judge the world as “black and white”, there is no gray, no truth to be found on both sides of any given issue. When this kind of thinking takes over, Ones cut themselves off from healthy living. They unconsciously push others away with harsh judgments and relentless critical demands. They also exhaust themselves by trying to live correctly all the time. clinton-naik-176636-unsplash If there is black and white, right and wrong, they can get stuck in always trying to do the right or correct thing—and therefore burn out. This when their long-repressed anger at themselves and others will come bursting forth in fits of rage. Self-control and self-restraint will quickly kick back in though, because the One does not condone anger as a good emotion, and they will, therefore, stuff it back down inside.

“[As children Ones renounced] the development of their true selves to please others and earn the love of people who have sent them the signal, ‘You’re okay only when you’re perfect.’ One children have the childhood driven out of them; too soon have they had to act like adults. Often they had to take on responsibility, very early on, for a family in which for one reason or another one of the parents was missing…” (The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective, Richard Rohr, pg. 50)

Arrows:

In stress, a Type One takes on the lower qualities and behaviors of a Type Four.

Depressive and melancholy feelings emerge.
They want to be free of the burden of perfection and lose themselves in fantasies and daydreams.
Thoughts begin to circulate that no one understands them.
Withdraw from others.
Discipline and self-control collapse into storms of envy and resentment. They become suddenly dramatic about their feelings.

In health, a Type One takes on the higher qualities and behaviors of a Type Seven.

Become more spontaneous and reactive to life’s surprises.
Their inner critic relaxes and they enjoy each moment as it arises.
More open to a variety of opinions.
Curiosity, optimism, and a willingness to learn emerge.
In relating to others with a more open-hearted attitude, they discover the joy, humor, and whimsy in life and often become more joyful and funny themselves.

If you are a Type One and would like to be interviewed for an upcoming blog post please fill out the form on the Contact Page and I will get in touch!

*Photos by Taylor Grote , Clinton Naik & Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

I Need You to Need Me…

Posted on March 19, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

An Enneagram Type Two in health is a glorious creature to behold! They are warm, empathetic, kind, and generous. They are others-focused, meeting needs, and giving out of genuine love with no reciprocity expected. Twos know how to relate to others with a magical unicorn level of depth and understanding. They are usually very social and enjoy parties, retreats, nights out, and anything fun with lots of people. Integrated Twos are also quite attuned to their own needs and easily set and enforce healthy boundaries. They will be your best friend for life, but also tell you a firm “no” when appropriate.

A Type Two in autopilot takes their magical unicorn gift of special understanding and becomes obsessively attuned to meeting the needs of others. They push their relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs aside in order to spend all their energy helping someone else. Everyone else. The day of a Two is one giant quest to meet all the needs!

When stressed, Twos can become intrusive in their need to be needed and offer help “because they know better”. They can ask questions that are way too personal, ignoring the boundaries of those they love. Unconsciously, Twos in stress tend to seek out relationships with people who are a bit of a mess, in order to latch onto someone who will always need them. They want to be loved and helping makes them feel loved. Twos often get stuck in their pride of helping. They also get stuck wanting to be perceived as a good person, which makes it very hard for them to consider any kind of criticism. They do not take rejection well.

“But I’ve given you so much, how dare you say that about me!”

They can exhaust themselves in giving to get and take on a persona of the perpetual martyr.

tim-mossholder-414902-unsplash It is very difficult for a Two to stop the “giving to get” approach to love. As children, they were either taught or absorbed the idea that if they presented their need to be loved, it would be rejected. During their formative years, a message was enforced that in order to be loved you must repress who you are and focus on others. Twos are quite often unaware of their own needs—and afraid that if they do express their needs to another, the need will be unmet. And if it is met, what about next time? Is this a safe relationship in which my needs will always be met? And round and round they go!

Also, this type of giving to get approach works for them—but only a surface level. They see how admired and needed they are. They are affirmed and adored. And what will happen if they stop? It’s pure terror for a Two to stop giving because it opens them up to the worst possible scenario—of not being loved for exactly who they are.

Richard Rohr says the path toward vibrant life for a Two is an intention to: “[Set] other people free and be thankful for the intimacy and attention that is possible in relationships. Mature Twos are glad when people about who they were once concerned go their own way in freedom.”

It is then that Twos become the best kind of helpers, the ones who give joyfully to both themselves and other people. They are the bearers of grace, gratitude, and abundant hearts.

Are you a Type Two? Would you like to be interviewed for the Enneagram Paths Blog? Please fill out the form on the contact page. I’d love to hear from you.

*Photos by Dakota Corbin , Inês Pimentel & Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Deep Dive into the Mind of a Five

Posted on March 14, 2018March 12, 2018 by melissakircher

finn-gross-maurer-452328-unsplash Today, I’d love to welcome a guest blogger, Samantha Greenberg, who I had the good fortune of connecting with via Twitter. We found we share some life experiences, not the least of which is the fact that we’re both Type Fives! Sam is a researcher, currently pursuing her Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology and she was kind enough to answer some of my nerdy questions about her work and how she interacts with the world as an Enneagram Five.

1. So, Sam, as a woman Five do you tend to get along with men or women better?

Men! For sure, hands down. For my whole life, I’ve had male friends and an easier time bonding with men, including my childhood. Post-puberty, I often relied on flirting to make social connections with men because I found it easier than forming deeper friendships. I’ve always felt awkward and like I’m not good at conversations, but I find men easy to predict. The conversations and interactions are more formulaic which makes interacting easier. I don’t have trouble navigating emotions necessarily if it’s clear what the emotions are, but women seem more likely to have a complex or multi-layered set of emotions at once.

It’s interesting that I’ve never met another female Five because I know we are out there! I would be willing to bet most female Fives have an easier time relating to men and so it stands to reason we would be unlikely to meet one another.

2. How does being a Five impact your work? How do you move about in the world?

I’m a researcher which I see as the perfect Type Five job. I literally get to pursue curiosity for a living!

I work from home now, which was the best thing to ever happen to my mental health. I prefer to be alone to a fault, to the point that I can become too isolated. My challenge in an office environment was always how to find enough alone time, but these days my challenge is making sure I connect with people enough.

3. Do you think people take your ideas and thoughts and general Five-ness less seriously because you are a woman?

Yes, for sure. Mant things men are encouraged to do, I find I’m discouraged from doing. I was encouraged not to pursue aPh.D.D and not to quit my “stable” job at a non-profit even though I was unhappy. There’s this idea that women shouldn’t be taking risks, whether intellectually, financially, etc., because that’s male territory.

I’ve found academia to be the most sexist space I’ve ever encountered, which is disheartening. I see women in my Ph.D. program passed over and ignored while the men are fawned over—even though we’re in psychology which is a female-dominated field. Also, since women are generally bearing more of a burden at home and with family, almost all of the attrition (def: the action or process of gradually reducing the strength or effectiveness of someone or something through sustained attack or pressure) from my program has been from women. I get along well with the men because I am comfortable with the type of bare-knuckled intellectual sparing they seem to like. But we have a lot of conversations about how feminine approaches to scholarship are marginalized. The worst of it is that I have had male professors and several male Ph.D. students tell me not to pursue my dissertation interests. I’m aiming to make a significant contribution to the literature, so my intended topic will be a lot of work and also an intellectual and academic risk. It’s a risk I’m comfortable taking, but from men, I get this sort of, “Oh honey, you can’t possibly take on this silly project, you don’t know what research is really about.”

4. As a feminist and a Type Five, have you investigated the patriarchy and how it lifts up intellectual men but not women? (I—Melissa—have been SO intrigued by the Divine Feminine and how religion has embraced patriarchy as the “Godly” way—thus repressing women who would be great leaders, thinkers, and do-ers.)

Yes!!! This!! As with many gender double-standards, intellectual men are considered “interesting,” “brilliant,” “exceptional,” and intellectual women are “full of themselves,” “ugly,” and any number of other terrible things. I think this comes from the cultural equating of women’s worth with their looks. I’ve always been kind of a “nutty professor” type of person to where I’m losing my glasses and forgetting to comb my hair. Intellectual men are allowed to be this way and it is even considered attractive, but intellectual women are expected to be put together, attractive, submissive on top of being smart.

In terms of religion, you are absolutely right. I’m working on a paper now about how women were essential to the development of spiritual traditions, but are mostly uncredited. The surviving spiritual texts from most traditions were entirely written by men (even though in many cases the ideas were co-opted from women) so of course, they’re filtered through a male lens. This is the only reason, in my opinion, that many traditions refer to a male God.

5. How do you turn off your brain? How do you relax?

Emotions help to get out of my head. I feel grateful for my strong Four wing, which allows me to become absorbed in my emotions. I can go into my emotions almost at will through listening to certain music or writing poetry. I know feelings aren’t easy for Fives, but they are sometimes a welcome change from the constant thinking and analyzing.

Dance is another primary way for me to get out of my head and into my body. I went through a significant mental health recovery period in my later twenties where I spent time with meditation, yoga, somatic awareness. So at this point, I am pretty good at recognizing when the brain needs to stop. When it does, I try to draw my awareness down into my body. Embodied awareness is great for this and it also helps me sleep. The trouble with being a Five is that sometimes just moving the body isn’t enough. Like today I took a walk to “take a break,” but wasn’t conscious of where my attention was during the walk. I ended up with my brain/mind wandering the whole time and was more tired after the walk than before.

6. Have you found ways to move out of the Five stance and utilize the Arrows toward Seven and Eight in integration? (Using Seven behaviors in stress as a tool for self-awareness.)

The main way I integrate into an Eight direction is to focus on embodiment. If I get out of my head and into my body and trust myself, I automatically feel and project this confidence and assertiveness that feels totally foreign to my Five self. In terms of going to Seven in stress, I have noticed the tell-tale signs that this is happening—a very messy living space, lost keys, wallet etc.—and then I know I’ve been in my head too much. In that case, I will very deliberately work to get out of my head via meditation, yoga, taking a walk, or anything I can think of.

6. Do you find it hard to listen to other people talk or even teach because they can’t seem to communicate in a succinct manner?

I used to. I’m pretty chatty/friendly at this point because I’ve been socialized that way, so I understand when people take a roundabout way to their point. However, if someone’s speech is disorganized or they don’t have a point at all, I’m not able to even process what they’re saying. The thing that confuses and bothers me the most with communication is when people say something subtly or don’t say exactly what they mean. If someone is trying to be subtle I either completely miss the message or get confused/angry that the person can’t be direct. I think this comes up most with accommodating types like Twos and Nines who tend to talk around their point.

7. Are you married or a mom or dating? How does being a Five impact your intimate relationships?

I am not married or a parent at this point. Dating isn’t a priority currently, but I date casually when the mood strikes. I think I have often subconsciously used intimate relationships and dating as a way to fulfill my need for connection and socialization. As mentioned earlier, I find men easier to predict and interact with. If I am interested in socializing, it is easier for me to date than to try to make friends. This is coming up for me a lot recently because I would like to move away from dating for that reason and I’m realizing that places a greater responsibility on me to form social bonds with women.

My intimate relationships in the past have tended towards one of two extremes. In one extreme I’m with a person more passive than me (such as Enneagram Type Fours or Nines), who is understanding of my quirky, introverted ways, but the power is overly imbalanced in my direction. On the other extreme, I’ve been with people more assertive than me (Threes and Eights), who challenge me to be more assertive myself, but I feel like they don’t understand or respect my quirky Five ways. Interestingly, as I integrate more I am more interested in dating Eights, who used to intimidate me to the point that I avoided them entirely. But now a healthy Eight reflects my growth direction and I find more in common with them.

Sam E. Greenberg is a writer and researcher, currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology. Her research interests include: human sexuality and relationships, personality theory and ego structures (including the Enneagram!), psychospiritual wellness, social power dynamics, and mechanisms for addressing implicit bias. In her “spare” time, Samantha enjoys dancing, traveling, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her inscrutable dog, Luna.

You can find her on twitter @IntroverteDiva

*Photos by Atharva Tulsi & Ryan Johns & Finn Gross Maurer on Unsplash

What Are Wings?

Posted on March 12, 2018March 7, 2018 by melissakircher

“If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent them from growing.” ― Coco Chanel

Each Enneagram number has two Wings. The wings are the numbers on either side of each number, therefore it would be impossible for a Type Seven to have a One-wing. A Seven would have either an Eight-wing or a Six-wing—or possibly both. There are some schools of thought that say a person will have one dominant wing in the first part of their life and switch to the other wing in the second part of their life.

What is the point of wings? Many people find them confusing, but actually, wings help clarify Types. They help students of the Enneagram become increasingly specific about the ways in which a person moves about in the world.

According to Riso & Hudson on page 69 of The Wisdom of the Enneagram, “Wings help us to individualize the nine (more general) types of the Enneagram. Each wing is a subtype of the general type. Knowing the wing enables us to narrow down the issues that we must face on the [path to self-knowledge].”

One thing to remember is that a wing does not change a number, rather its characteristics are serving the purposes of the basic Type. The wing operates to further the drive of the Type number.

For example, a Type Three with a Two-wing (3w2) in health will tend to look like a regular Three but with a dose of Two charm and helpfulness. The Two-wing brings a concern for others plus generosity. 3w2’s are excellent in mentoring and coaching. They are more seductive Threes. They tend to be highly popular from a young age as the Two-wing brings a dose of heart. The Two-wing helps the Three to be keenly perceptive about what is going on with other people, they become more sensitive and caring for the needs and feelings of others. A 3w2 in health will be more extroverted, expressive, talkative, and enthusiastic than a 3w4.

A Type Thee with a Four-wing (3w4) will have a different energy and body language—more of an inward orientation. The Four brings a curiosity about the Three’s inner life and spirituality. They are attracted to the meaning of life, becoming less materialistic and more introspective. A 3w4 will prefer more independent activities, be quieter, and speak with fewer words. Because of their search for depth and meaning, they can more easily move away from the Three projected “successful” image. They will have the ability to present themselves in a more authentic way. The Four-wing can bring a more creative orientation, expressing feelings through the arts. A 3w4 will have a certain elegance, show good taste, appreciate beauty, and have a well-developed aesthetic.

Both are Type Threes. Their wings serve to lead the Three, and others, into a deeper understanding of their internal motivations and exterior behavior in a fine-tuned way.

To reiterate, “…your wing is the ‘second side’ of your personality, and it must be taken into consideration to better understand yourself or someone else. For example, if you are a personality type Nine, you will likely have either a One-wing or an Eight-wing, and your personality as a whole can best be understood by considering the traits of the Nine as they uniquely blend with the traits of either the One or the Eight.” (The Enneagram Insititute, Wings)

Wings reveal a particular shade in the rainbow of humanity.

What are your questions about wings? Leave a comment below or email me through the contact page!

*Photos by Roan Lavery & Harry Quan on Unsplash

Passions and Virtues: The Spiritual Enneagram: Part II

Posted on March 7, 2018March 3, 2018 by melissakircher

Enneagram spiritual work has been explored by many of the great teachers: Riso and Hudson, Beatrice Chestnut, and Richard Rohr to name a few. All of them seem to agree that the Enneagram is an excellent tool for spiritual, as well as personal, growth. Riso and Hudson talk about what they call “the Essence”, which others might call the Universe, God, Divine, or True Self. “[Even] the most traumatic childhood experiences cannot damage or destroy our Essence. Our Essence is still pure and untarnished, although it is constricted and obscured by the structures of our personality.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Don Riso & Russ Hudson, pg. 35) Thus, Enneagram spiritual work is done to travel back to our Essence. To peel back the layers of personality that have hidden our True Selves and discover that, in fact, we are so much more than a number; we are infinite possibility.

In his book, The Sacred Enneagram, Christopher L. Heuertz explains how we can identify the spiritual growth and spiritual regression patterns of each number. He provides charts of the passions and virtues of all the numbers. Here Enneagram Paths has taken the names of each passion and virtue from the charts and expanded them to include examples of behaviors and attitudes found in each number. The Sacred Enneagram is one of the best books on Enneagram spirituality and is highly recommended.

The Passion Paths: Lead to Darkness, Disintegration, and Brokeness in Relationship to Self, God, and Others.

Type 1: Anger which leads to a fixation on resentment. The Type One fears that they are imperfect and defective, and become overzealous in finding and correcting the perceived flaws in both themselves and others. The inability to ever find true perfection as a human leads to a simmering and suppressed rage. The suppression of the rage is what fuels their resentment. “Why can’t everyone else see and do things the right way, like me?” They exhaust themselves with this anger and compulsion.

Type Two: Pride or Self-Abnegation which leads to a fixation on Flattery. They give and give and give and deny their own needs in order to feed a lost sense of self-worth. They tend to have weak boundaries and confuse putting others first as love. They can become seductive, intrusive, and/or passive aggressive to win others — all an unspoken and often unconscious attempt to get their needs met.

Type Three: Deceit which leads to a fixation on Vanity. The Three in unhealth isn’t necessarily lying, they are bending the truth to serve their own need to succeed and thus prove their worth. Playing with words, telling half-truths, and selling something are all tricks Threes use to get others on board with their schemes and stroke their vanity. They often deceive themselves, not having a clear understanding of their own emotional landscape.

Type Four: Envy which leads to the fixation of Melancholy. The Four has an ideal outcome for everything and when their ideals fail to materialize, they are quick to see how everyone else’s life has worked out. The envy of others leads them down a dark path of depression and a miasma of low self-esteem. They swim in their sadness and disappointment.

Type Five: Avarice which leads to the fixation of Stinginess. Avarice is the excessive desire for gain. A Five can have an unquenchable need to hoard their resources. They gather their time, knowledge, energy, and material possessions around them like a dragon sitting atop a mountain of treasure. They feel inadequate and incompetent and hoarding all this stuff makes them feel safe. The cost of this attitude is stinginess. A Five who has let avarice take over will believe the universe is scarce. Thus, generosity with their resources is a source of danger and fear.

Type Six: Fear which leads to Cowardice. Sixes can focus much of their time and attention on the worst case scenarios. They are afraid to be alone, without the support and guidance of a group or person. When a Six gives into their overwhelming sense of fear about literally everything, they become cowardly, unwilling to step outside whatever safe comfort zone they have established. They refuse to open their minds to new ideas, to trust new people, or to try new things.

Type Seven: Gluttony which leads to the fixation of Planning. The passion of gluttony for a Seven means that they can become obsessed with the need for more. More food, more fun, more pleasure, more adventure, more money, more life! When a Seven cannot place healthy restrictions on themselves, they find they can never “be” in the present moment. They can’t enjoy what’s happening right now because their mind is busy whirling, trying to figure out how the next thing will be even better.

Type Eight: Lust which leads to the fixation of Vengeance. Eights lust for intensity, for a constant challenge—which can manifest in self-destructive behaviors. They are extremely confrontational with both themselves and others and feel compelled to make people pay for the ways they have betrayed the Eight (even though the Eight is likely to have started the fight in the first place).

Type Nine: Sloth which leads to the fixation of Indolence. A Nine will check out of life, becoming inactive and numbing themselves. They are unaware of their inner life and don’t care to be included in the external life of the world. They say whatever will keep the peace and can often be found sleeping, unable to cope with the demands of both their own feelings and the feelings of others.

The Virtue Paths: Lead to Light, Integration, Love of Self, God, and Others.

Type One: Serenity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Perfection. When Ones can accept that nothing in life is ever 100% perfect and at the exact same time there is a delight to be found in the imperfections of life — they are able to accept themselves, others, and circumstances with calm serenity. They understand the divine beauty in all things and let go of the desire for everything to be right. Everything is already exactly what it needs to be right now.

Type Two: Humility which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Will or Holy Freedom. When a Type Two is spiritually growing they own their needs without shame and allow others to gift them with love. The ability to receive is wonderful for a Two, it teaches them healthy humility— a place of strength for a Two. They are then free to give to others in the way that God gives, with abandon, generosity, and no strings attached.

Type Three: Authenticity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Harmony/Hope. When a Three does their spiritual work and accepts that they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are, they move out into the world with their authentic selves. They are able to use their high-energy and drive to motivate a group towards worthy goals. They also provide others with grounded, realistic optimism founded on the great hope of a loving God.

Type Four: Equanimity which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Origin. A healthy Four will understand that their emotions are the sea, constantly ebbing and flowing, all the drops of water part of the whole. This leads them to be at peace with their emotional state, accepting the rise and fall of the waves of feeling. Their Godlike quality understands that they are unique and special… and so is everyone else. They bring an awareness of the authentic, unique divine that resides within each person.

Type Five: Detachment which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Omniscience. A Five who has done spiritual work realizes the health in dissociating their thought life from outcomes. They detach from the need to think everything through in order to protect themselves and their resources. This allows them access to the divine power of energy and good detachment. They are able to assess situations with great wisdom and a Yoda-like-all-knowingness.

Type Six: Courage which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Strength. When a Six stops doubting themselves they find an inner wellspring of courage. Instead of engaging in mental acrobatics about worse-case scenarios, a spiritually healthy Six will move through their lives with purpose and great strength. They understand that God is their authority and safe space and can even become leaders, confident and resilient.

Type Seven: Sobriety which leads to the Godlike quality of Wisdom, Holy Work, or Holy Plan. A Seven who can learn to practice sobriety calms down their need for more. They are able to feel the full spectrum of their emotions and inhabit each moment exactly as it comes. This enables them to bring wisdom, a focused calling/work, and/or ideas about the divine order of the universe to the world.

Type Eight: Innocence which leads to the Godlike quality of Truth. When an Eight falls hard enough they become vulnerable and open themselves up to huge tender hearts that have been buried for so long. They become a protector of those wronged. They look out for the vulnerable with all the power and innate strength of will they have at their disposal. They are great advocates for social justice causes.

Type Nine: Action which leads to the Godlike quality of Holy Love. Nines in health will be active peacemakers. They will recognize their own firm beliefs and then seek life paths that are actively inclusive, making sure others experience love, inclusion, and acceptance. They can truly understand and accept everyone’s point of view (much like the divine source from which we all come).

Photos by Ian Espinosa & Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Type One: Body Language and Speaking Style

Posted on March 5, 2018March 3, 2018 by melissakircher

agence-producteurs-locaux-damien-kuhn-97746-unsplash “Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” ― Augustine of Hippo

“One minute was enough, Tyler said, “A person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

A Type One on the Enneagram is often called “The Perfectionist” because of their constant inner voice that sees everything as black and white; perfect and imperfect. The attention of the One in autopilot goes to any perceived imperfection. They notice the two percent failure of a job done ninety-eight percent well. This hyper-focus on what needs to be changed or made perfect can push them to become unbalanced. They become hyper-critical of themselves and others, arrogant in their idea of their own rightness, and excessively judgmental.

Ones often struggle with anger as a secondary emotion; their primary emotion being whatever the One felt immediately before feeling angry. For instance, a Republican father talking to his Democratic son about politics. He sees his son’s views as dangerous and he becomes anxious and worried that his son is supporting the “wrong” ideas. The One father will not express the anxiety or worry, but his tone of voice gets louder, he becomes tenser, and he begins to show lots of anger as he talks. Eventually, he gets so angry he has to walk away from the conversation, without ever paying attention to his primary emotions of anxiety and worry.

When encountering a Type One you will hardly ever see their anger but you can detect in it their body language. They will hold themselves erect, spine straight, and have stiff arms and legs. They will often punctuate their words with sharp hand gestures near their face.

Type Ones will generally have very neat appearances. Their shirts will be tucked in, their hair combed, and everything will be ironed.

Their gazes will be piercing and unwavering and their mouths downturned or in a thin straight line. They clench their teeth. You will frequently observe Ones engage in “deep sighing” during difficult conversations. The One is angered but feels that anger is not a correct emotion to express. Anger is sinful, or not moral, or not how a proper citizen should act, therefore they repress their anger—but it builds up much like a volcano builds up heat and lava and steam. A deep sigh is a way for the One to vent their steam, to let a bit of their anger out in an unconscious way.

When a One speaks their tone will be forceful and intimidating. They love to engage in dialogue about topics where they feel there is a right or wrong outcome. They want to debate to get to the truth, tending to focus on subjects like rules, procedures, obligations, responsibilities, flaws, operations, and mistakes.

jpeg Giorgio Locatelli from Britain’s Big Family Cooking Showdown is the perfect example of a One. He literally prowls about the set, his brown eyes like lasers as he stares into the camera or the poor trembling cooks. He expects perfection he says, and nearly growls, “but I also am looking to see that they’re having fun!” Cooking must be fun for families and Giorgio is there to scare that fun into them whether they like it or not. He is quick to judge a dish “a shame” when it doesn’t come out absolutely perfect and it’s almost painful to watch the family cooks wilt under his harsh criticisms.

When Ones can quiet the inner critic they access their Type Seven tendencies: they become winsome and engaging, drawing on a sense of humor to lighten conversations. Joy, fun, and pleasure become part of their experiences as they accept the imperfection of life. They relax a bit and contribute intuitiveness and an innate sense of the natural order of things, but they don’t impose these ideals, they are content to live out wisdom and rightness in their own lives and accept the humanity of others. They allow others to be on their own path. They offer discerning insights to problems when they are in health and can become wise advisors.

Other Famous Ones: Harrison Ford, Emma Thompson, Hilary Clinton