Interviews » Enneagram Paths Coaching

Sexual/One-on-One Enneagram Subtype: Sevens

Posted on January 20, 2020January 20, 2020 by melissakircher

Welcome back from the holidays, Ennea-lovers! I hope you all had a good (not-too-stressful) season with family, friends, and loved ones. Today on the blog, we’re diving back into Enneagram subtype interviews. I love hearing from readers and fellow Ennea-nerds on Twitter and IG! It’s fun to learn from and alongside each other as we explore the nuance and depth of the Enneagram.

We‘re going to continue to look to Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram, for a quick Sx Seven roundup. Her book is amazing, and I would totally recommend it for researching subtypes. About Sx Sevens she says,”Contrary to what we might expect from this ‘Sexual’ Seven subtype, this Seven is not so much focused on sex as they are on the essence of love. Sexual Sevens fall in love very easily, but they’re not as interested in having sex with someone as they are in attaining a kind of idealized ultimate connection…They are gluttons for things of the higher world, and this makes them dreamers. They often feel an attraction to spiritual or metaphysical experience, as well as to extraordinary or esoteric things…For the Sexual Seven, earthly things take effort, and can therefore feel boring or tedious, whereas the mind works easily and without friction. It’s much easier to imagine doing something than to actually do it.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

Sexual Type Sevens

Both Sevens chose to remain anonymous for this post. Thank you each so much for being here on Enneagram Paths!

Anonymous Seven I

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? It has been liberating. When I first started this journey, I believed that I was a Social Seven. That it was about my social standing and being in a group. But more and more, I have looked at myself and realized I am a One-on-One/Sexual Seven. I love that I really am about a deep connection to others and get energy from close relationships. In health—at my best—I bring an energy and optimism to deep conversations to let people know that I have learned to step into my pain and that there is life on the other side of pain.

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? It was in this area of my life that through reading and learning about the Enneagram, I knew I was a Type Seven. I wanted that connection, and if it was not happening organically, I would do anything I could to manufacture intimacy. Due to childhood trauma and false intimacy, I became addicted to wanting that connection. Pornography became a way for me to have that “intimacy”. I have also had to learn how to not force intimacy in friendships and my close relationships when they just needed a more light-hearted connection. When I get to have meaningful time with friends and close relationships, it fuels me for a while. I do, however, find myself in the middle of that time planning for the next time an interaction can happen.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? Stress for me means that others aren’t doing things right, and I become pretty hard on people. Many times, I do not voice my frustrations; I am making judgements in my mind. When stressed, I want to feel good, so I will turn to addictions. Food, drink, etc. I dislike when I am in this space, so I find ways to make the discomfort go away for a while. In health, I am on a quest to learn more, to love well and to give grace. I find that I want to learn about human behavior, so I read and listen to podcasts. I can sit with people in their pain and be sympathetic and directive. I am an energy that helps get things done and lighten the mood if heavy.

Anonymous Seven II

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? Being a Sexual Type Seven means that I care a lot about other people. I love to give to people and see them for the best that they can be! I mainly see the world that way too, through the most positive outlook. It can even mean that I sometimes don’t accept criticism or negative feelings at all. I can be more sensitive than other Sevens.

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? I am very aware of my need for other people. I have a select few close friends who I know I can tell anything to, but I also have many others who I’d consider friends. I think that the sexual instinct causes me to crave intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I need someone who will look after me when I don’t know how to; when my emotions are going crazy. It also probably causes me to be confident in my body. I feel like because I see things in such a positive way, I connect to my body more easily than others. I’m aware of how I treat my body, and practice yoga and meditation often. I think the need I require the most to feel safe is knowing that I have a strong base of friends who will always listen and who connect with me by keeping in touch.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? When I am stressed, I tend to shut down. I feel overwhelmed, like every word and sound is too much. I have to take time to breathe and refocus or I’ll panic. It really helps when someone can calm me down and tell me that everything will be okay. The most healthy me is when I can say no to destructive patterns of impulsiveness and think before I act. I am most healthy when I am aware of ALL my emotions, even the sadness and frustration that I might ignore/deny when I’m stressed.

Loved having and hearing from you amazing Sevens! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my Type Seven Self-Love Download to print and use instantly!*

So & Sx Type Four: Graham Liddell & Maureen Turner

Posted on October 21, 2019October 21, 2019 by melissakircher

Hello, Ennea-peeps! Happy Monday and welcome back to Enneagram Paths to finish out the Type Four Subtype series. Last up is the Social (So) Type Four. We’ll hear from Graham Liddell about what it’s like for him to be a Social Four and then a bonus interview from Maureen Turner, a Sx Four. I’m so glad to have both of you on the blog!

As we’ve been delving into the Type Four Subtypes, Beatrice Chestnut has been the starting guide. Her book The Complete Enneagram is a comprehensive exploration into all 27 Subtypes. About the So Four she says, “[They can] get caught up in and identified with intense emotions to the extent that they can’t take action when it would be good for them to do so. They tend to be generous and do for others, but they do not take responsibility for their own lives… In public, Social Fours repress ‘frowned upon’ emotions like anger or hatred and may appear sweet, friendly, and soft—but in private, they may express the emotions they store up in social situations and become aggressive… A person with this Subtype may be competent, attractive, and intelligent, and yet still tend to focus on and identify strongly with suffering and a sense of deficiency.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

In all the Four subtypes, there is this push and pull dynamic at play. So interesting! I think it’s important to remind ourselves that our Types and Subtypes are nothing to feel shame about. Even if feeling shame is the Type’s issue! Type forms for all of us, it’s a specific set of survival skills that keep us safe for a long time—until it doesn’t anymore. Then we do the work to unearth all the motivations behind our Type, discovering that we’re just at the beginning of a long journey back home to our True Selves or Essence. The Type is held in love and the work is done lovingly, with self-acceptance.

Thanks, Graham, for being here and sharing with us your experiences as a Social Four.

Graham Liddell is a PhD candidate in Comparative Literature at the University of Michigan. He enjoys hiking, politics, folk music, indie films, and studying languages.

Twitter: @grahamliddell

1. What does it mean to you to be a Social Type Four?

I’ve always understood the concept of subtype as not necessarily indicating which instinct (Social, Sexual, Self-Preservation) is most dominant, but rather, it shows which instinct one has the most hang-ups. Case in point: as a Social Four, it’s very important for me to feel I belong in the groups I take part in, but that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily good at participating in groups in general. I think it’s a misconception that social types are typically the life of the party. I personally abhor parties, that is, unless they are relatively small and attended by close friends—or on a rare occasion, if I’m feeling extra-outgoing. Mostly, when I’m at a party, I find myself sitting in a corner grinding my teeth because I feel I should be socializing, and frustrated with myself for not being more charismatic in these situations. It’s not that I’m bad with strangers, but I do much better one-on-one and in small groups.

I understand being a Social Four in relation to my experience being bullied and excluded as a kid. I had a ton of one-on-one friendships, but in groups, my friends would often turn on me and put me down as a means for them to climb the social ladder. I struggled socially for most of elementary school and a bit of middle school. Throughout the years I was bullied, I kept these experiences almost entirely to myself. My parents didn’t know about it until I was in college. At the time, I thought it was my fault I was being bullied, and telling my parents would have been proof that the kinds of insults I was hearing from peers were true, i.e., that I was too sensitive, weak, a crybaby. In high school, I kind of came into my own, embracing my tendency towards melancholy by playing music and writing. I indulged in a bit of a (tame) rebellious phase, connecting with a few other semi-misfits who embraced me as one of their own.

2. How does the Social Instinct as a Four shade your need for belonging and membership within a larger group and community? Why does acquiring perceived belonging make you feel safe?

To me, being a Social four means being hyper-focused on the fairness of group situations (on a small scale, but also on a macro, political level). If I become convinced that whatever group I’m a part of is not operating fairly, I want to quit the group and critique it with cutting specificity. This isn’t necessarily the best way to go, and in healthier periods, I have taken part in efforts to reform groups from within. Accepting incremental change in a group I’m a part of is difficult for me since I feel that black marks on the group’s record reflect poorly on me. Of course, I’ve learned over the years that quitting with a sense of moral superiority not only leaves me lonely and isolated, but it’s also rather arrogant.

Why does perceived belonging make me feel safe? That’s a tough one. I suppose I enjoy feeling reassured regularly that I am okay, that I am not fundamentally lacking some basic trait or skill that makes me incapable of happiness and love. In undergrad, I lived with a group of best friends and trusted acquaintances for three years in a big, run-down house with an enclosed porch and a garden. These were the years in which I felt I belonged more than ever before. Since graduating six years ago, I have regularly struggled with the fact that I’m unlikely to belong to that particular type of community ever again. It was a specific, hippy-ish time in life. People move on and invest most of their energy into their romantic relationships and careers.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Social Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Social Four?

I have to be cautious not to spend too much time idealizing those college times (as I do in times of stress). I’ve been doing my best to attempt to cultivate new relationships and strengthen ties to the different communities I belong to now, even if they seem lackluster compared to “the good old days.” In times of health, as I mentioned before, I can appreciate the benefits afforded me by my various communities, and the good things accomplished by the groups themselves. The critical side of me can help me identify areas of potential improvement that open up opportunities for me to lead. In times of stress, I may simply complain about these issues or want to disassociate myself from them. But in times of integration, I can grasp the nuance of group situations—the details of all the positives and negatives—and appreciate the positives, to feel the impact of the negatives, to understand that nothing’s perfect, but push ahead with gentle attempts at reform, anyway. This is the equanimity that is the “bright side” of Type Four’s comfort with melancholy, according to Beatrice Chestnut. On a final note, getting into healthy daily routines—things that remain constant even as my social life fluctuates—has proven very helpful in keeping me on the integration side of things.

* * Bonus Sexual/One-On-One Four Interview! * *

Hi, my name is Maureen Ashley Turner, I am a balanced Type Four, Tritype 4-8-6, Sx, followed by Sp. I am the first generation of Mexican American for my family. I graduated college with a double major Biology, and Psychology. I consider myself an artist of all mediums. I consider myself an intensely passionate person. I am very Ride-or-Die, All-or-Nothing. I love being out in nature, going on hikes with my dog, gardening, kayaking, exercising, and going to the gym. I enjoy traveling and taking the scenic route. I love dressing up and fashion. I especially love Halloween.

Instagram: @MaureenAshleyTurner

Twitter: @MAshleyTurner

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

This Subtype can be mistyped with a Type Eight (another passionate and emotionally intense number) and appear more emotionally passionate, aggressive and extreme compared to the other Subtypes. I have been confused for an Eight several times by other numbers, but never by other Fours. I often hear that I am too much (something that passionate Fous’s and Eight’s are really used to hearing). I constantly want emotional intensity, in everything: life, romance, adventure, work, driving. It doesn’t matter. If there lacks intensity, life can feel very mundane and suffocatingly boring.

This Subtype is more direct, and it appears to have an absence of shame. When I try to think about my shame, it can be hard for me to address, especially when I am healthy, because I see myself more as “Competitive.” However, shame is much easier for me to see when I am upset. We see Sexual Fours as the “angry” Four. When someone close to me hurts me deeply, or when I face a situation where I feel that I can’t be heard or seen, this is when I recognize my shame. I now realize that I unconsciously turn my pain into anger, so I don’t have to feel my pain anymore. I tend to suffer by comparison.

When I was younger, my envy looked and appeared as straight-up ENVY. In High School, I was a very jealous type of person. I was envious of other people, their bodies, their sheer talent, their ability to be open, raw and themselves with others, how they dressed, how easy it was for them to make friends since I often felt outcast-ed. I wanted to be recognized by my peers, and in a way, I wanted to be the best and better than everyone else (I had a very stronggggg Three Wing then).

However, now that I am older, I’m not as envious of others’ appearances, personalities, or circles of friends. I also don’t really care about approval from other people (except for my parents’ and a few close friends). Now, I am envious when someone possesses a skill I wish I had. I attach myself to skills now and want to know how I can mirror that in myself (because I still find myself defective in some areas).

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Four shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

Fours believe that love is by far the most important thing in their lives. I know that most Type Fours feel that they have a detachment from one or more parents, however, that wasn’t the case for me. My parents (both Type Ones) gave me an EXTREME illusion of what love looked like. They built my childhood to be perfect—fantasy-like. They never fought with each other, at least never to my knowledge, or in front of me. They always went above and beyond to show how much they cared and how much they loved me. They always fed into how special and unique they believed me to be and that I was just different from other people. They are VERY ride-or die, all-or-nothing type of parents.

So my upbringing is very much apparent in my Sexual Subtype. Their love gave me the belief that I once had perfect unconditional love, but also influenced me to believe that I won’t experience love until it is that category of passionate, and emotional intensity. That this was the happiest I have felt. I love my parents more than anything. They are my Garden of Eden. When I left home for college I soon discovered or at least felt defective and rejected, because others didn’t reflect that same type of love and emotional intensity my parents had given me.

With my friends, it is very easy for me to be emotionally vulnerable and open. I openly love them passionately and intensely. I feel seen by my parents and my friends and it allows me to feel safe and therefore, open, emotionally vulnerable, and creative. In romantic relationships I have found when I am in an unhealthy place, I am very attracted to the things I can’t have. And by that, I don’t mean other people in relationships, but people I KNOW can’t love me back (aren’t attracted to me, aren’t emotionally available, live far away, etc). I blame some of that on my culture. In Mexican culture, love is portrayed by a dance if you will, a tango. A push and pull. I love you while you are absent, but up close I notice you have a lot of faults. But as soon as you go, I idealize you and get in touch with the deep feelings I have for you. Please come back and torture me again. And this plays on loop.

It’s that craving for emotional intensity and wanting some sort of “drama” to make life less mundane. I realize it is actually due to my fear of truly being “seen” by a romantic partner, but also something I crave most.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress for me as a Sexual Four is moving towards a Type Two. It looks like me getting mad when others don’t meet my needs, being clingy to those I am fond of, drowning others with my emotional intensity, lashing out when rejected, and having many unwarranted, not communicated expectations of others that lead to anger/frustration when not met. I am very self-absorbed and only concerned with my needs.

Growth for me, when I move towards Type One, looks like balancing my emotions and being less emotionally chaotic and intense. I can be profoundly creative without concern of acceptance or envy. I feel like I can truly just “be” and am not concerned with my image. I am more emotionally open, vulnerable, gentle with others, and calm. I feel free and not weighed down. I don’t attach my identity to certain emotions, I allow myself to feel all of them. I also feel that I am more available and empathetic with others, without turning it into self-absorption.

Thank you both so very much!

It’s been amazing to have all you Fours on the blog, we’re so lucky that you’ve chosen to talk about life and relationships and the nitty-gritty of being the three Subtypes of the wonderful, authentic, nuanced Type Four! —Melissa

Sexual/One-On-One Type Four: Maria Bowler & Melissa Joy Livermore

Posted on October 14, 2019October 12, 2019 by melissakircher

Happy Monday! Today, we will continue our investigation into subtypes and look at the Sexual or One-On-One Type Four. I’m excited to have Sx Fours Melissa Joy Livermore and Maria Bowler (she, half of the hilarious Enneadog duo on Twitter) on the Enneagram Paths blog, sharing with us about their unique experiences as this subtype.

Beatrice Chestnut in her book, The Complete Enneagram, describes Sexual Fours rather thoroughly (as she does all the 27 subtypes, it’s definitely worth picking up). She says, “These Fours like and need emotional intensity. Without intensity, everything can seem unbearably dull and boring. When Sexual Fours want somebody’s love, they can be very direct about asking for what they need, or they can become “extraordinary”—make themselves seem special and attractive and superior—in an effort to attract it… Sexual Fours believe it’s good to be the best. Most people want to present a good image to others, but Sexual Fours don’t care very much about image management or being liked. For them, it’s better to be superior. They are highly competitive, and their intense focus on competition takes the form of actively striving to show they are the best.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

And now let’s hear from our interviewees, Maria and Melissa. Thanks so much for being here you two!

Maria Bowler is a poet, teacher, and spiritual director. You can find out more about her work at www.mariabowler.com. Catch her Enneagram Twitter memes at @enneadog. See her less frequently @mariaevb.

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

I’ll be honest, the term “Sexual Instinct” still throws me off a little, but it relates to the idea that we have a survival instinct to make intimate connections and extend our impact on the world. In practical terms, it’s much broader than actual sex; I experience it as the impulse to make the most of life out of any situation. And it shows up in really mundane ways.

A small example from years ago comes to mind: The first time I went to the beach on the Atlantic Ocean, I waded into the water by myself as far as I was comfortable, stood still, and let the waves crash onto me to see how it would feel. I wasn’t trying to get hurt—I just wanted to get the most feeling I could! My Sp boyfriend at the time was with me, and he thought that was a little bit bananas.

When I was younger, I thought my Sx instinct meant I was emotionally brave; I saw people turn away from intense people or material, whereas I moved toward it. I was drawn to wherever the fire was, whether it was exciting music, new ideas, or the personalities in a room. Fours, in general, are drawn to “authenticity” (a loaded word!) and I think my Sx logic was, the more extreme something is, the more true or authentic it must be. I was so wrong about that! Turns out you can actually burn yourself and others by standing right next to the metaphorical Fire-of-Intensity-For-Its-Own-Sake at all times.

At this moment in my life, the Sx instinct means that I care about the quality of my interactions a lot, but I won’t force them. I am interested in the edges of things, but don’t necessarily feel the need to push them. I also appreciate a challenge (they’re exciting), provided it doesn’t feel imposed upon me.

Sexual Intimacy: I define this as the need to merge with someone on multiple levels; intellectually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. It’s the need to be mutually affected in some way. This impulse to “click” or “spark” with people (or even environments) is strong, and I feel sad when it’s not possible. On the other hand, I feel very alive when it is possible. A small moment of mutual connection in passing—like “I see you”—can make my day. Of all the things you listed, that intimacy definitely makes me feel the safest.

Close Relationships and Friendships: I feel an intense loyalty to my friends, so I think that’s how the intensity of the Sexual instinct shows up there. I also think it’s my Sexual (or One-to-One) Instinct thing to prefer fewer, closer friends than many, less-close friendships. In the friendships I have, I feel secure when we know we are important to each other without having to talk or hang out all the time.

Connection to Bodily Energy: I think Self-Preservation is my secondary instinct, so I keep a close eye on how much energy I have, except when I’m in a one-to-one conversation with someone. Then, I tend to lose track of time and forget that I’m tired.

In all of these areas, it’s fair to say my energy can be a little bit all or nothing, on or off. Either I’m fully engaged and trying to make the most meaning out of a situation, or I don’t want to be involved at all. That’s probably a very Sx thing. I’m learning to moderate that as I get older.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress expresses itself as open frustration that nothing is happening where I wanted/expected something to happen. It can be work stress, interpersonal stress, whatever. I will lament to someone I’m close to, and the more stressed I get the more widely I’m willing to express this frustration. In stress, I will have a desire in mind (even as simple as a desire to be well when I’m sick), and I’ll find it difficult to distract myself from the fact that it’s not happening.

In health, the desire for depth and intensity meets with humor and equilibrium. I don’t have to move toward the heat as much because I trust that there is enough life and goodness wherever I am. I can really enjoy less serious things as they are without wanting them to be more. It’s a more spacious feeling.

Melissa Joy Livermore is an interdisciplinary artist that deeply values connectedness and introspection. Much of her work, from the deconstruction of canvas—thread by thread, to the use of Instagram as a platform for performative action, lies at the intersection of the two ideas.

Website: melissajoylivermoreart.com

Instagram: @melissajoylivermore Twitter: @mjoyliver

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

My whole life seems to revolve around connection. Living on three different continents in a period of three years has been a very clear illustration of this reality for me. The hardest part was developing and maintaining relationships. Sustaining significant connections at a distance, clinging to connections with other expats due to shared experience, and cultivating relationships in a new cultural context was challenging. Then, those connections were abruptly cut off as I moved to the next place, starting over the cycle of trying to maintain relationships at a distance. As a Type Four, my tendency to feel misunderstood was especially underscored in those spaces. Feeling on the outside, and not in a good place emotionally, it was hard to find one-on-one connections that could provide a sense of being known. This reality perpetuated my tendency to hoard connection, to swallow it whole.

Living overseas magnified my tendencies, however, I have always been drawn to intense connections with people. Growing up in Evangelical spaces, my focus was on getting past the surface to a spiritual connection with people, the deep dive of sharing your whole soul. As an artist, most of my work revolves around the ideas of interpersonal connection, whether that is in examining the way I relate to people on social media or the way language and understanding work hand in hand. With my largest body of work Deconstruction, I focus on the way participation in a shared meditative action can facilitate deep connections with strangers. The same level of intensity I have in relationships is applied to ideas that capture my attention. I dive deeply into them, obsessively focused until the next one arrives; searching for the ways they weave into my everyday experiences and how they resonate with those around me. While I am sure there are other aspects of my life that I am neglecting to mention in this response, it feels like most my of world is summed up in interpersonal connection and the pursuit of composing ideas and concepts—that may or may not be realized.

As I have already mentioned, relationships hold a lot of weight in my life, more than I wish they did sometimes. In terms of sexual relationships, I am just starting the slow unraveling of growing up in Evangelical culture, and the shame that surrounds sexuality for me. Growing up, my experience was mostly long, deep, intense crushes on people with whom I connected deeply. Usually, it was someone that I shared musical interests with, obsessing over brooding lyrics together. But because I did not feel that I could operate freely in those spaces, I dove deep into a longing and desire for a connection that I did not think I could have. I withdrew into my thoughts of what could be, longing narratives that I would pick up from books. I would wait for the other person to make a move while imagining all the ways I would try to connect with them if I could.

In my family life, I shut down my tendencies to feel deeply, and my analytical nature went into overdrive. Because that was was what they accepted. The closest my family gets to deep connection with one another is through spiritual conversations. As I start to move away from those old frameworks, there is a fear of losing connection with them, complicating that process for me. Friendships are where most of my deeper emotional connections have developed. I often wonder if I know the meaning of the word acquaintance. If I connect with someone, the deep dive usually follows. If I do not connect with the person, contact is not usually maintained. I have a tendency to want every friendship to have the intimacy of a close relationship. With my body, I’m growing in the awareness of how disembodied I have been. I feel deeply and live primarily in my mind through the endless analysis of feelings—my Five Wing is strong. I feel the safest when I have at least one relationship of mutual and deep understanding near me geographically.

4. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

I’m still learning how stress and integration play out in my life, and I feel like I am far more aware of how I operate under stress. In those spaces I see a tendency to introject others—to internalize slight judgments or disappointments as cutting off our connection, feeling the need to make up for those moments or to be on guard against future moments that could cause the same breeches in a relationship. I fixate on past hurts, running them repeatedly through my brain, trying to glean new insight from the situations. There is a feeling that something is wrong with me, I often worry that I am too much, too serious, too intense.

As I am becoming more aware of those spaces, it has been helpful for me to approach them with kindness. My analytical tendency to berate myself for failure is very strong, keeping me stuck inside that loop. I often tie failure to relationships. For example, leaving a difficult job, I was more concerned about the loss of relationships that could come from taking that step. When I get stuck in patterns of self-sabotage artistically, I worry that what I make as I grow and change will lead to loss of relationships. There has been a lot of learning to listen to my own voice, developing a relationship with myself that is kind and gentle. Walking in that direction has brought moments of clarity; an ability to see through the fog of how I think I am perceived and to hold space for the fear of rejection. This has been an incredibly helpful lesson in the last few months.

Thank you both so much! – Melissa

How Do I Thrive as a Type 5 Parent?: Kristel Acevedo Talks Gender and Parenting

Posted on August 12, 2019August 10, 2019 by melissakircher

Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and thus I’m constantly looking for resources to help me understand healthy ways to do this nebulous thing of raising another human. As an Enneagram student and teacher, I’m fascinated by how each Type approaches parenting, and how this ancient wisdom tool can help us all become more aware, more loving, and more spacious with our children and with ourselves.

I follow the guideline that most master Enneagram teachers advocate: don’t Type your kids. Parents can always get things wrong and create a false reality/personality that children adopt, only to figure out later they aren’t the person you always told them they were. Bottom line: Typing children has the potential to create harm. But, I DO think the Enneagram helps us become healthier people and parents. It also gives us a “paying attention mindset” — watching the patterns of behavior, energy, and time orientation our kids are displaying, then utilizing our Enneagram knowledge to draw out well-rounded ways of being in our children.

An amazing Twitter thread that began between Kristel Acevedo and Gena Thomas about Enneagram Five womanhood and parenting (and many more Type Five voices) inspired me to reach out to both Kristel and Gena. Both graciously agreed to an interview! Welcome Kristel, we’re all thrilled to hear from you today!

Enneagram 5 Womanhood & Parenting

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? I tend to stick to spaces I feel comfortable in. New environments usually cause me to be more quiet and observant. However, once I am familiar with a space I feel freer.

2. Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? I like that I am observant, logical, and pretty balanced. To me, that’s an advantage because I don’t feel like I get swept up in frenzy.

3. If you identify as a WOC please tell us about your experiences. As a woman who is the daughter of immigrants and as a Type Five, I feel it is my duty to share my observations on topics that are important to me, especially immigration. I can share my views in a balanced and fair way, and also have the ability to listen to others. I think I do a good job, most of the time, of keeping my emotions in check when discussing my experiences as a WOC.

4. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships? I identify as fully female, but I also think that I don’t carry some of the baggage of what some people believe a woman “should be.” Growing up, I saw my mom work hard outside of the home to break through glass ceilings. She never put her dreams on hold, but was still a loving (albeit, not very emotional) mother. She didn’t cook or spend her days cleaning up after us. I think it’s because of this that I didn’t feel the pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. I can just be who I am without thinking, “Is this what a woman is supposed to do?” I will admit that sometimes people have made me doubt the way I am naturally wired, but I have to believe that I am how I am for a reason. I spent a few years in my early motherhood trying to be a martyr. Once I snapped out of that and explored what best fits me as a parent, I could enjoy being a mom a lot more.

5. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? I’ve run into people thinking I’m emotionless. Or they’re not sure what to think of me because I’m hard to read. I’ve also been told that I look like I’m upset when in reality, I’m not. I have a hard time being with large groups of women that are all chatting away about something I’m not familiar with. I prefer smaller groups or one-on-one conversations. I also find that I get tired out easily. I try to keep my commitments low. What is the easiest thing about being a Five woman? In general, being observant and having the ability to bring a calming effect where ever I go.

6. What do you wish people knew/understood about women Fives? We are emotionally sensitive, we just don’t always show it.

7. Tell us a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram? I have two children. A boy who is eight and a girl who is six-years-old. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years. I began working outside the home when my oldest was in 1st grade. I’m married and thankfully my husband is a great dad! I discovered the Enneagram when my children were about five and three.

8. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs? I am lucky to parent with my husband who now understands my very real need to have time alone. He has learned to anticipate my need for alone time and will send me off to our room or to Starbucks so I can decompress. I find that when I have that time to myself on the front end, I can come back to my kids feeling truly refreshed and ready to talk, hug, sing, dance, and do all the fun mom things. I try to be fully present when I am with them, but I have also learned to let them know that I have my limits and that sometimes, “My brain is tired.” Thankfully, they have learned that when my brain is tired, it’s time for some quiet time.

9. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? I simply don’t have the energy to do all the things. That’s why we limit extracurricular activities and put a priority on family time at home. I sometimes feel bad that my energy is limited. But again, I’m thankful to be married to someone who has more energy than I do! Although as a Type Nine, my husband doesn’t have THAT much more energy! Do you find avarice creeping in on your relationships with your children? Maybe, regarding time, but honestly, not really. I realize that my time with them is limited and I want to make the most of it. Right now they are my top priority, but with each passing year they grow more independent and I know these needy little years won’t last forever.

10. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother day-in-day-out. I love my kids, absolutely and without question. But I’m also not “obsessed” with my kids. I’m okay if I’m not there for every little thing. I’m not a helicopter parent. I don’t feel the need to do everything for them. I push them towards independence little by little each day. I am affectionate with them and tell them I love them all the time, because I know that it would be very easy for me, as a Five, to be emotionally cut off, and I don’t want to be emotionally cut off from my children. I have a Four wing and I think this helps me in my mothering. I’m moved by beautiful things, and I find my children to be beautiful. It’s easy for me to show them my love. I definitely have my limits when it comes to physical touch. I am okay cuddling for a limited amount of time, but I also like my space and feel panicked when I feel like my space is being infringed on. I also feel panicked when I feel they are throwing too many words at me for me to pick up. I crave silence and seek it when I feel my kids have pushed me to my limit.

11. Give us as any tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in! What have you learned so far? I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all. When my son was born, attachment parenting was popular. I exclusively breastfed him, cloth diapered, co-slept, etc. And I just about lost my mind. PPD hit me hard, and I was not enjoying being a mother. I wouldn’t even let my husband take over for a few hours because I didn’t trust him and thought I had to do it all. I learned that it’s silly to martyr yourself as a mother. I would much rather lean into the old phrase, “it takes a village.” Finding my village has made me happier and lighter. I love seeing my kids form meaningful relationships with other adults and teenagers. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less just because I need a break from them. Being able to take breaks and do my own thing allows me to soak up the times we are together. I take my parenting responsibilities seriously, but I also want to have fun with my kids. That means we need to have some time apart so I’m not stressed out all the time.

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Kristel Acevedo spends her days working and serving in her local church by assisting the pastor, writing content, and managing social media. She has a passion for spreading hope and inspiration through her writing. She grew up in Miami but has made several moves to different states and is now settled into South Carolina with her husband, two kids, and puppy.

Website: kristelacevedo.com

Instagram and Twitter: @KristelAce

*Stock Photo by Sai De Silva & on Unsplash

Interview with Type Nine: Kelsey Vaughn

Posted on December 28, 2018December 26, 2018 by melissakircher

“Peace is more than the absence of war. Peace is accord. Harmony.”
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

Today on the Enneagram Paths Blog we are lucky to hear from Kelsey Vaughn, an Enneagram Type Nine. Nines are often called “The Peacemakers,” but they are so much more complex and wonderful than a one-line label. Nines are usually are pleasant people, calming to be around, grounded, and fun. They work hard for causes they believe in and stand up for injustice. They love fiercely and are loyal friends. I need to do a Type Nine basics post soon!

Happy to have you, Kelsey, let’s get to it!

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I took an online Enneagram test in college but felt like my results didn’t really fit me, and didn’t think much of it for a couple of years after that. Then I started seeing a therapist who does some work with the Enneagram, and found out that I’m a Nine, which fits me much better than whatever I was mistyped as before!

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

I love that I’m able to bring peace into people’s lives. I love that I’m adaptable and able to bond with people by adopting their interests and passions. I love that I can understand and empathize with almost anyone. I dislike my tendency to withdraw from conflict and my lack of tolerance for it. I also don’t like that it often takes me a long time to process the needs of people I care about and come up with appropriate responses.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three?

When I’m stressed, my ability to empathize with other people suffers, and I get increasingly drawn into negative thought spirals that center on my own insecurities. It becomes difficult for me to function in relationships because I withdraw from whatever conflict is present, and I completely blame myself for it. I also tend to lose body awareness when I’m stressed, which makes it hard to be physically present. When I’m healthier and moving towards Type Three, I become more motivated and energetic, taking on new projects and seeking new experiences with my loved ones. I’m much more able to focus on the positive things in my life.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

I often use my phone or computer to narcotize when I’m stressed. I’ll get sucked into repetitive games, or obsessively scroll through social media. This also contributes to feelings of disembodiment. I check out of external events much more quickly than my inner experience, but if things get too intense, eventually I start losing my train of thought and even momentarily forget why I am upset.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood that our desire to avoid or mitigate conflict doesn’t mean we don’t care. And that just because we can see both sides of an argument doesn’t mean that we’re unwilling to stand up for what we believe in.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

I’m still learning about wings and how they function. I think I am more of a 9w1 because I do have some perfectionist tendencies and can get preoccupied with doing things “right” or having the correct answer. I’m starting to learn how to lean into my 8w more because it helps me to process feelings of anger (not a fun thing for a Nine) and helps me to stand up for myself and be assertive.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

To me, that phrase would mean that I am able to stand on my own and fully inhabit my place in the world. It would mean a letting go of insecurity and a feeling of connection to my inner guidance.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

I’ve been drawn to various different spiritual practices throughout my life. The ones that have called to me most have been meditation, deep reading/Lectio Divina, and the observance of seasons and cycles, whether that be within the context of a liturgical year or through creating my own set of ceremonies. I also enjoy creative pursuits like writing, playing music, and knitting, and have found them to be spiritually fulfilling.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others?

Learning about the Enneagram has completely changed the way I relate to others and the way I view myself. I think the biggest change has been recognizing that there are different levels of health and integration and that a person under stress might act very differently from how they act when they’re in a healthy place. This perspective helps me to give much more grace to myself and others. I’m able to focus more on providing what someone might need to get back to a more integrated state.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

Anger is a mystery to me some days, but today I am trying to see it less like a force of destruction and more as a force for change and justice. Bravery is a quality I have leaned into hard this year, and I’m proud of myself for the brave things I’ve done. As for Goals, I’m living pretty moment-to-moment right now, but I’m hoping soon to take some time and create some long-term goals for myself.

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Bio: Hi, I’m Kelsey! I’m a queer nerdy woman living in Portland, OR. I work for a nonprofit that provides opportunities for kids to take music lessons regardless of their ability to pay for them. I love writing, knitting, playing piano, playing board games, and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Twitter: @kvaughn64

*Cover Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

Type 3: Interview with Drew Moser

Posted on December 7, 2018December 5, 2018 by melissakircher

When I started this blog I figured it’d be a chill, fun way to offload some of my Type Five constant brain activity! I love the Enneagram and am super enthusiastic about the ways in which it leads us down paths of growth and change. I’ll still be doing nerdy, information posts, I promise! But… it’s been an amazing life/blog twist to begin to interview people. I’ve found you all are SO interesting. I’m excited to be able to provide a place for people to share about their Type and lives—a meeting spot where we can learn from each other about the Enneagram. Thank you to the 30+ people who responded to this last open call, and I can’t wait to hear about your unique life experiences. -Melissa

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

Today I’d like to welcome Dr. Drew Moser, an author, dean, professor, and an Enneagram Type Three. So happy to have you! Let’s get into it.

Life as a Type Three:

1. Three’s experience the world as a series of tasks or challenges to be overcome. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I’m always prone to viewing life as one big “to-do” list. At times, it’s been to my advantage. It allows me to live a life motivated and inspired. It fueled my graduate work while having a young, large family (my wife and I have five kids). It’s fueled my writing while also working full time. That said, it’s hard for me as a Three to turn off, slow down, and be present in the moment. Without intentional work, practice, and effort, I easily look to what’s next and miss the beauty of what’s in the here and now.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

I deeply resonate with Hurley and Donson’s work on the intelligence centers of the Enneagram, specifically within stances (Hornevian Groups). Their work has helped me understand an often confusing element of Threes. Firmly planted in the Heart Triad with Twos and Fours, Threes are paradoxically quite detached from their emotional center. We tend to start with the Heart Center, but quickly detach from it—or misuse it—and let the gut and head take over. Here’s how this looks practically: I can enter a room with a group of people and fairly quickly (and accurately) read the room. I can generally tell emotional states, social standing, etc. Instead of letting that knowledge turn to empathy, which would be a proper use of our heart center, I let it turn to strategy (head and gut). Thinking and doing crowd out the heart. I’m working more intentionally to allow my Heart Center to play a more authentic role in my decision making. There’s a wisdom to the emotional space within us, and I have to work very intentionally to cultivate it.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Nine? What happens to your relationships when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Six?

When I’m stressed and not handling it well, I find myself in the space of an unhealthy stereotype of Type Nine. My decisiveness wanes, my normal drive to achieve disappears, and I procrastinate. I struggle to do the very thing that needs to be done, often busying myself with other less important tasks. I then tend to withdraw from my relationships as an escape rather than rest.

When I’m flourishing, I see myself embodying much of what is so great about Type Six. I’m employing my skills and talents for the sake of the people I care about. I’m actively engaged in my relationships, looking to them for support and guidance (not natural for a Three), and my relationships are more authentic and less strategic.

4. How does the need for image and status play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself changing and adjusting to people and circumstances?

When I was younger, my chameleon-like tendencies were more pronounced. My ability and willingness to shapeshift to maintain image and status was very evident. The Enneagram has truly helped me recognize that left unchecked, I’m prone to fake it until I fake myself. As a Three, I’m still good at adapting to a room, but I’m trying to do this mindfully and more appropriately. Having a more authentic and clear sense of who I am has been very helpful.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Three?

Beneath the striving and the image-consciousness is a deep desire for value and worth. Threes, at the core, want to be loved for who they are, not what they do. But, we too often settle for achieving to impress. The thought of being ourselves without our accomplishments is scary for Threes . . . but also liberating.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Three?

I honestly don’t strongly identify with a Two or Four Wing. If I had to choose, my career has been marked by a strong helping bent (I’m in education, after all), so I think I’ve employed my 2w more. I like the notion that we can reach to our Wings for growth, and the thought of developing a strong 4w is intriguing: creativity, uniqueness, deeper emotional presence, etc.

7. What would the phrase, “I am loved as myself, even when I fail,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

Gah! This really is everything for a Three. As I seek to live in this truth, I’m more aware of the people in my life who believe this to be true about me. Also, I’m more likely to steward my achieving tendencies toward things that are more authentic, pure, and void of common strategic angles.

8. As a Type Three do you connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Any spiritual practice that slows me down and the only expectation is to simply “be” is helpful. I’ve found centering prayer and imaginative reading practices such as lectio divinato to be good. I also find writing to be really beneficial. It narrows my focus, paces me down from my frenetic tendencies.

Additionally, I’ve incorporated some “ordinary practices” that become more sacred spaces for me. A year ago I purchased a record player. Listening to vinyl keeps me in the room, and the music becomes more about presence than it is for background noise. Also, I recently acquired a used, but broken hot tub. I fixed it up, and it’s now an important rhythm for me to slow down, quiet my mind and body, and just be. Such slow, reflective spaces are silly but profound.

9. How do feelings show up in your life? Are you able to recognize and experience your feelings or do you suppress them?

They show up most prominently through the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, my five children, and my closest friends. Through some previous trials and tragedies in our family, I’ve been able to be more honest with my feelings. As a Three, I’ll always have a tendency to suppress my emotional center. But life has a way of exposing this. It’s hard, but a good lesson to learn.

10. Talk about what the words Authenticity, Be, and Pain mean to you today?

Authenticity – I think my younger self would’ve looked to others I admired for cues on how to be “authentic”. Now I know it’s within. Tending to my inner world is so important.

Be – The journey of growth for a Three (I can attest to this) is learning that we are human beings, not human doings. Learning to just “be” requires true presence void of the need for others to be impressed by what you do.

Pain – As a Type Three, my tendency is to avoid pain or dismiss it. Pain slows us down. But, I’ve learned that pain is a powerful teacher. It excavates the best and worst of us. Also, the pain-free life is an illusion, so we might as well steward our pain well.

Dr. Drew Moser is a writer, speaker, and consultant on vocation, the Enneagram, Millennials, and GenZ. He is a dean and professor at Taylor University (IN), and is the coauthor of Ready or Not: Leaning into Life in Our Twenties. He lives with his wife and five kids in Upland, Indiana.

Website: www.drewmoser.com

Instagram: @drewmoser

Twitter: @drewmoser

Four on the Floor: Interview with Liz Johnson

Posted on June 4, 2018June 1, 2018 by melissakircher

agnieszka-boeske-354851-unsplash “I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Happy Monday everyone! Today on Enneagram Paths we have an interview with Liz Johnson, an Enneagram Type Four. Just to refresh our memories, The Enneagram Institue defines Type Fours as people who, “[are] self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.”

Welcome, Liz, and thank you so much for sharing about yourself and what it’s like to be a Type Four!

Enneagram Type Four

1. Emotions are dominant for Fours as part of the Heart Triad. Are there things you’re learning to do that help balance energy and get in touch with your thoughts and body?

I’ve been learning to not dwell on my emotions. I’ll catch myself in the act of letting an emotion consume several hours of my day — or sometimes the entire day. Lately, I’ve been telling myself that when something hits (feeling defeated, sadness, anger, etc) to not let my whole self become that feeling. I take the feeling out of my body and let it go. The Enneagram has opened my eyes to how much I allow myself to fully immerse my mind, body, and spirit in an emotion. I hadn’t realized how deep into an emotional rabbit hole I’d go. The more I awaken to this as it’s happening, the more I make the initiative to be productive. Breathing has helped with emotions. Just being still, focusing on the breath going in and out. Emotions can take such a toll on my body. I have to be kind to myself and remember to “breathe” it back to somewhat of a homeostasis, or even do some yoga. Release the negative energy.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I love that Type Fours can poetically explain how certain emotions feel. This can happen through the lyrics of a song because a Four can cause a person to say, “Yes! that’s exactly how that feels!” Sometimes, the lyrics don’t even make sense but they impact someone in a specific way. Same with art. Fours can take those emotional wounds and create art that stirs something deep within the soul. keagan-henman-479521-unsplash

Also, Fours can hold space for pain without the need to fix it with unrealistic optimism. People need to process suffering organically and at their own pace. If someone shares their pain with me, I want to help them allow themselves to feel it and not prematurely cut it off. It’s part of the healing process. A Four will not encourage you to “just get over it” and brush your pain under the rug. That is not the nature of a Four and I love this part of me. Sometimes, I hate the physical toll emotions have on my mind and body — like I just want to move on already! When I experience an emotion, it is as if it’s held in place by a really strong magnet and it becomes paralyzing. It takes some serious intentional effort to let go.

3. What happens when you’re stressed and go along your Arrow to Type Two? What happens when you’re in a healthy place and go along your Arrow to Type One?

In stress to Type Two, I can recall times when I’ve been worried about the status of a friendship and would attune to my friend’s needs — while disregarding my own needs. I now see the damage that does to my self-worth. I learned a long time ago that if there’s tension with someone, I can’t set myself aside and selflessly make sure they’re okay. It’s so important to maintain boundaries. It’s also been said that Fours get “clingy” in Two. This could happen if I allowed myself to be that way, but I also know people have their own boundaries, and I have enough common sense to not “cling” a relationship to exhaustion. I keep my distance (because Fours hide a lot anyway), and have had overall decent relationships for a while now.

In health towards a Type One, I notice some of my better days are when I’m intentional and actually commit to creating something. There have been many times I daydream about doing a project, but never actually execute it. My overall mood is a lot better on days when I actually let go of clinging to my emotions and fantasies and create. However, there is still much to process on this Arrow as well.

4. How does envy play out in your interactions with people? Do you find yourself comparing your life, experiences, career, etc. to others?

It made sense when I read that envy was the “deadly sin” of Type Four. At times, envy has caused me to feel as though my life and creations are worthless and pale in comparison to others. Sometimes, if someone shares an accomplishment I may have a thought like, “I wish I could do that”, instead of fully embracing their joy. I can also relate to the Four’s tendency to feel as if something is missing from an experience. It seems like others experience life to the fullest. I want to be fully engaged in the present like everyone else around me appears to be. It’s so challenging to let go of anything outside of the moment and trust that it doesn’t lack anything.

There has also been a divine sweetness in realizing my own story helps me to let go of envy. I am special (said like a true Four) and as I create from my soul, I see more and more that I truly am needed in this world. In realizing this truth, there is no room for envy.

5. Talk about what the words Unique and Authenticity mean to you today.

Unique makes me think of how I always had this sense that I had to look unique and stand out by wearing outfits that set me apart from everyone! I went through several different phases: grunge, punk, goth, retro, futuristic, etc. This was a way to express myself because I felt like my voice had no worth or wasn’t being heard. I had a lot of emotional pain, therefore fashion was a means by which I could communicate to others.

I’ve realized I’ve been doing Enneagram work unawares for a couple years now. Now that I have a name for this work, it’s shown me how much I long for a vocation — job/work/calling/purpose — that isn’t something I just settle with and do for a paycheck. Over time I’ve come to understand that what I naturally like to do is unique AND authentic, I’ve just been avoiding it. I avoided painting, drawing, and writing because it seemed like a waste of time. But, after taking the time to work on myself and process my pain, I now see that creativity is a means through which I can share myself; by letting others know they’re not alone and encouraging them on their healing journey.

Authenticity. I wonder who I am without the personality of Type Four and it’s coping methods? Who is anyone without their Enneagram number keeping them from being their true, authentic self? It’s so worth the time/energy/money/etc to discover our true selves.

6. Are there any spiritual practices you’re drawn to as a Type Four?

When creating a piece of art, I not only create from my personality but with a mysterious presence that dwells within me. I tend to live life through a Type Four filter, but even deeper there is a good, true, divine image of our creator and source of life. Often, I’m surprised by what stirs in my soul when I finish a drawing or painting. I’m in awe of the ways my creations have revealed mysterious wonder, wisdom, and truth. I see this as spiritual because these creations do not come to life solely by my humanity, but with a spiritual presence as well. I love to hike and have had incredible divine insight as I walk in the woods. I suppose this has become a spiritual practice as well.

7. How has learning about your Enneagram Type impacted your life and relationships? Has it changed the way you view yourself or others?

We all have some kind of pain or wounding from childhood. Before I knew I was doing the work of the Enneagram, learning about my childhood led me to discover ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). What we experience in childhood can have a huge impact on our minds and bodies, and ACEs research, along with many other similar subjects, has shown the science behind adversity/toxic stress. I came across a TED Talk by Nadine Burke Harris, a pediatrician who is on a mission to encourage ACEs screenings at all childhood wellness visits. I agree with Nadine and hope that with enough awareness of ACEs, there will someday be ACE screenings at all pediatric wellness visits, and ACEs/trauma training in schools.

The work of the Enneagram involves addressing one’s childhood in order to understand why we are a particular Type. I can’t expect my center to move towards health unless I process and heal from childhood wounds. I continue to research my childhood in relation to who I am as an adult which has changed the way I view all my relationships. Knowing and processing my own story and Type has helped me to have grace for the times when I live in a fantasy world rather than live with intention, believe the negative lies in my head, hurt others (or when others hurt me), and numerous other ways I miss the mark.

8. Do you know if you have a Three or Five Wing? If so, tell us about how your Wing supports and enhances the Type Four characteristics.

juliette-leufke-154599-unsplash I think I might be a Five Wing, but I’m unsure about it. Sometimes it seems like I fit the description of a Three Wing and sometimes a Five wing. I can be both social and private. Sometimes I create with an audience in mind and sometimes I create for myself. The thing that draws me to the Five Wing is the fact that I love to research. When something sparks my interest, I’ll read several books, search about it on Youtube or podcasts, and follow experts on the subject on social media. What I discover from researching fuels an inward fire that impacts what I create. From this fire also comes strength, like that of a Five’s growth towards a healthy Type Eight. As a Four, I desire to have the strength of an Eight. If that’s possible, that is so worth the hard work of the Enneagram!

Liz resides in northeast Ohio, a place where she’s able to experience the beauty of each season, welcoming winter with the most joy. She lives with her husband Jon, daughter Roxy and son Kai. She’s an artist and writer, blogging her journey with a focus on ACEs advocacy, personality, spirituality, and the science behind those subjects. She loves to hike, research, and frequently enjoys the creativity and wisdom of a children’s picture book. Instagram: @lizjartist Blog: @painsplatteredholygenes.wordpress.com

*Photos by Agnieszka Boeske , Keagan Henman , Erik Witsoe , Juliette Leufke on Unsplash

Interview With Type One, Rachel Hamm

Posted on May 28, 2018May 27, 2018 by melissakircher

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“If I can do things right, I don’t see why everyone else can’t.” ― Courtney Summers, Cracked Up to Be

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

Monday interview time! Today, I have Rachel Hamm here, an Enneagram Type One — which is also sometimes called “The Perfectionist”. Rachel and I have actually been friends for a long time. Alas, she moved away a number of years ago but we still have the best, deep conversations on the phone! Welcome, Rachel, and thank you for sharing your growing knowledge of the Enneagram and what it means for you to be a Type One.

Enneagram Type One

1. How do you as an Enneagram One move about in the world? How does your number impact your daily life?

I’m always moving. I almost never “shut down” or “slow down.” I have lists upon lists in my head that include what I need to do at the moment and all kinds of projects I want to improve upon in the future. But, at the same time, I can become paralyzed in the midst of projects where I don’t know the next perfect or ideal step. For instance, I can’t complete something until I know the BEST way to accomplish it (physically, financially, logistically, relationally, spiritually, etc. etc.)

2. Does having a fairly constant inner critical voice impact your body? Ones are in the Body Triad and I’m wondering how it feels on the inside to a One?

I didn’t realize it until recently but the critical voice (and genetics) have caused a lot of anxiety for me. I can feel overwhelmed by all I want to do — to the degree that I think I “need” to do these things — and it can build up like pressure in my chest so that it feels like I’m holding the weight of the world and can barely breathe. In the past, and in not being a healthy One, my body was affected by high anxiety, an inability to rest/relax, and always having to be on the move, on the go, doing more and more to the point of exhaustion. Sleep has never come easily to me, likely genetic but also being a Type One, I have a hard time shutting down. My body is in a constant state of inertia, driven by my inner voice that “it’s never enough.”

3. What happens within your closest relationships when you are stressed (Arrow to Type Four)? What happens within your closest relationships when you are integrated/healthy (Arrow to Type Seven)?

Arrow to Four in Stress: “Black and White” thinking has been my life. I can “see” so clearly what is right and wrong and true and false in other people. In other words, I am quite a judgmental know-it-all, even if well-intentioned.

Arrow to Seven in Health: I’m no longer codependent; focused on fixing others. I allow time, space, themselves, and God to change their lives, in their time and God’s way. I can love and forgive myself, and therefore love and forgive others with much grace. The wisdom I have is shared, “seasoned with salt” and is usually found valuable by others, BUT my identity or value is not found in whether they find me or my suggestions valuable. There is room for others to grow in the way they need to (from God’s point of view) and not just how I think they need to. And the same for me, I have room to grow, without knowing the plan or foreseeing the future. I can trust more freely both God and others.

4, What do you love about your number? What do you dislike the most?

I love that I have integrity and am not lazy. I admire those characteristics in myself and others. I think we are world-changers in many ways. I love the fact that I love to grow. I’m always open to learning and growing in any avenue of my life. I don’t like that in my black and white “clarity” of situations — and in my hot lifelong pursuit of correcting what I deem as “wrong” or “to be improved upon” — I have unknowingly, unwillingly, and unintentionally hurt, offended others, and made close friends feel isolated or judged. I would never want that to happen, I’m usually just trying to help!

5. What practices have you integrated into your life as a One to help you become more self-aware and grow? Are there any spiritual practices you connect to the most that might tie into your number?

I know I need space and time and quiet to be able to think, process my thoughts, and to be able to pray. yoal-desurmont-588828-unsplash Recently, I’ve realized to best hear my spiritual voice (the voice of God through the Holy Spirit), I need my body to be working but not my mind. For instance, weeding, gardening, biking, swimming laps — all bodily movement things that free my mind. My body is a slave to my mind, or my mind is freed by my body; something like that! I find if I put my body to work at reforming something or improvement, then my mind is free to process, to dream, and to recalibrate the critical inner voice — and to just be.

6. What do you wish people understood about your number? What are maybe some common misconceptions?

I wish people understood that whatever you say about me that is critical, I’ve already said it one hundred times to myself. And that I am extraordinarily sensitive and fragile on the inside in response to criticism, disappointing, or hurting others, despite the fact that I might have a tougher exterior. If I wound someone else, it wounds me at least twice as bad and will take me longer to forgive or forget my own imperfection. Also, that I really do want what [I think] is best for you!! My heart is in the right place, even if my words or tone come across otherwise.

7. As a child, do you feel that somewhere along the line you picked up the message that, “You must always be better than you are?”

My dad is a Type One as well. I often hear his voice in my head saying, “If you’re not going to do it right, you might as well not do it at all!” I think it’s a mantra for my life, haha!

8. Talk about what the words joy, spontaneity, and pleasure mean to you today.

Freedom. So. Much. Freedom. I have been trapped for far too long as an unhealthy One. Today, I am able to find gratefulness and an abundance of joy in the littlest things again — being tickled by my kids while my dog tries to lick me, my daughter’s curls, or fresh produce! I’ve started to be spontaneous again, and I know my kids really appreciate that side of me because they always thank me profusely and tell me how much they love me when I’m fun and able to enjoy them and enjoy life. That’s what I want to be able to teach them how to do.

Rachel is a married mother of three kids and a recovering perfectionist who is trying to find joy and God’s hand in everything, everywhere. She loves learning, gardening, farm-to-table cooking, dog kisses, and being an effective steward all of the gifts God has given her. She has a passion for sharing life-tips and resources on being purposeful with faith, family, finances, food, fitness, and (sometimes) fashion. She’s an ex-accountant and finance guru that now stays home and tries to play with her kids more. She dislikes olives, parades, large groups of children, and littering. Follow Rachel on Instagram @passionately_purposeful and her (maybe) soon to be blog www.passonatelypurposeful.com.

*Photos by Marcus Löfvenberg , Ryoji Iwata , Yoal Desurmont ,Bobby Rodriguezz on Unsplash