Types » Enneagram Paths Coaching

The View From Type Two

Posted on May 14, 2018May 12, 2018 by melissakircher

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“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ― John Holmes

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

This week I’m lucky to have Jess Bedsole on Enneagram Paths to talk about her experiences being an Enneagram Type Two. As we read interviews, I think it’s so important to remember that every person is different no matter if they have the same Type. The Enneagram does not fit us into nine restricting boxes, instead, it allows us to be dynamic, ever-changing, unique human beings. Thank you, Jess, for sharing your perspective and what it means to be a Two from your individual point of view!

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

I feel guilty if I know someone could use my help and I’m not providing it. Even after the fact, if I have witnessed someone in need of help (an elderly person crossing the street, or a dog tied up and tangled, or a person who needed help opening a door because their hands were full) and wasn’t in the mood or able to help them, it sits like a stone in my stomach — indefinitely. I constantly replay in my mind that I did not help them and feel unrelenting guilt over it. I do try to keep a balanced mindset and focus on helping my children and friends who are closest to me, but when I see a stranger in need and I am unable to help them, it really bothers me in retrospect.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I rode horses for fifteen years in my youth. Since being married and starting a family I had released that part of myself. Recently, a friend offered me the opportunity to start riding again. My problem is I can’t find any time in our family schedule to consistently call my own. I have no problem telling my children that I am working on something, reading a book or going to take a shower on a daily basis. I also have no problem taking a night off now and then to go to the movies with a friend or see a show. It’s the idea of setting a consistent time for only myself to do something I enjoy that makes me feel guilty. Honestly, I feel a little panicked about it. I feel like I would be letting my family down, so at the moment I can’t bring myself to go back and ride horses.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

I tend to speak before I think. I speak directly from what I’m feeling, with no filter that this may not be something appropriate or what others would want to hear. In my heart, it feels like “what I feel is something that will help them” or ” they should know this”. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, I can get into trouble for being too brutally honest. When I’m stressed I don’t notice or accept it until my muscles are spasming and my tension headaches are debilitating. My body has to tell me to stop and slow down because my brain does not.

4. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I didn’t want to accept that I’m a Type Two! When I initially read the Type descriptions, I skipped over Two because I assumed I wasn’t a “Helper”. However, since accepting my number, I’ve started to see how it is who I truly am. I love sending suggestions to others about things that worked for me, positive experiences I had, or how I got myself out of a cycle with my kids or husband.

5. What are some things you wish other people knew or understood about being a Two?

I wish people understood that I’m not trying to pry or be rude, I believe my advice and experiences can help them. Some people just aren’t interested in the help.

6. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

When I head toward Arrow Type Eight, my body begins shutting down. My muscles spasm, my temper flares, and I get debilitating tension headaches. I feel short of breath all the time and like it’s a race to accomplish anything at all. Everything feels rushed and imbalanced. bruno-nascimento-255699-unsplash When I move toward Arrow Type Four, I want to share everything. I’m inspired to write a book or a blog or share every good thing on social media. I want to hug my children and never let go while watching them do amazing things from afar without interfering.

7. Tell us about the feeling of loneliness. How do you react when you feel lonely?

I love alone time. I don’t think I ever really experience loneliness.

8. Do you feel like as a child that somewhere you picked up the message that in order to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

No, I don’t think I received that message as a child. I think I learned that helping others is a way to show that you love them, not that my own needs are not important.

9. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

That’s such a difficult question. Because when I’m at my best, I feel truly safe and secure in myself. I am confident and kind and generally positive. I don’t know what helps me get to that point, though. Perhaps it’s when those around me are respecting my advice and acknowledging my strengths. That makes my heart full and gives me pride. In relationships, hearing me is a big deal. I appreciate the feeling of respect from my friends or my husband. I like feeling as though my opinions matter.

10. What do the words authenticity, anger, and fun mean for you today?

Authenticity is a good word to describe who I am. I cannot be anyone besides my authentic self very well. When I try to tamp my helpful self down, I feel the repercussions deeply.

Anger rears its ugly head most commonly in the mornings. I love waking early, but I tend to need a significant amount of alone time before I can be open to hearing others or assisting them. I can be very short tempered from 5am-9am. I do get angry.

Fun would be watching my kids play outside while I sit in a comfortable patio chair, drinking tea and reading a great book. Or working together as a family to accomplish a common goal. Helping one another is fun to me.

11. (This question is from a fellow Two via Twitter) “How do you break the loop of worrying about whether your need to help is genuine or manipulative? Questioning all the motives can be exhausting and I don’t always trust my own answers.”

I tend to plow through. I feel better to just put my help out there rather than hold it in. For me, holding it in feels cumbersome. I feel like I’m not being myself or allowing my colors to shine. I accept that others may not always agree with my ideas or opinions, but it feels better to me, personally, to share and be shot down than to hold it in.

Jess is a mom of two young boys and two energetic dogs. On weekends she can be found teaching wood sign painting classes through her own small business, Sparkles and Crafts. Day to day, she’s a stay-at-home mom who is busy cleaning up messes and cooking up loads of delicious grub. When given a hot cup of Earl Grey and a cupcake, there is nothing she can’t do. You can find her on Facebook at facebook.com/sparklesandcrafts , Instagram @sparklesandcrafts, and her website sparklesandcrafts.com

*Photo by Josh Appel , rawpixel , NeONBRAND , Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

T-Shirts For Types

Posted on May 10, 2018May 10, 2018 by melissakircher

We all know that The Enneagram is a tool for personal, spiritual, and relational growth. Yes, it helps us to become more aware of our Type — the ways in which we learned to survive and move about in the world — but it also moves us out of our Type. The Enneagram shows us ways to become more healthy, to find connection with true self or source, and it helps us to unbind from the habitual patterns of our Types. It doesn’t put us in a box; it liberates us from the box.

Which means every once in a while it’s totally okay to be shallow and laugh about all the silly, ridiculous things we get caught in within our Type! My art store is on the website Society6 and they have a ton of hilarious t-shirts. I thought it would be fun to do a quick T–Shirts For Types post and provide ya’ll with quality Enneagram day wear. Enjoy!

*Click on the image to take you to the Society6 page with each shirt for sale. I get zero proceeds from any sale. This is purely for fun.

Type One:

Type Two:

Type Three:

Type Four:

Type Five:

Type Six:

Type Seven:

Type Eight:

Type Nine:

More Great Eights: Interview with Enneagram Eight, Stacey Midge

Posted on April 30, 2018 by melissakircher

peter-john-maridable-53936-unsplash “There is no Space or Time
Only intensity,
And tame things
Have no immensity”
― Mina Loy, The Lost Lunar Baedeker: Poems of Mina Loy

I signed up for Rev. Stacey Midge’s awesome new e-mail blast about Enneagram Type Eight’s because my son is an Eight (Right now, obviously! I’m typing him in my thoughts…but he’s so an Eight!) and I wanted some insight into the inner workings of his mind, body, and heart. So far, I’m in love with getting weekly reminders about the challenges and amazing gifts Eights bring to the world. Welcome, Stacey!

1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets for your anger?

Perhaps this is just life from an Eight’s perspective, but it seems there is a lot going on in the world for which the most appropriate response is anger. The pure expression of anger probably isn’t going to be the eventual solution to a problem, but anger can point to a problem that is being ignored, clarify the extent of the problem, and energize people toward change. We’re the people you want if you have a cause that needs a great deal of attention. For a healthy Type Eight, anger is just the beginning. We use it as fuel, and while others may get tired of fighting, fighting is the thing that energizes us. This can make us very irritating to others who prefer unity and compromise, but in movements for social change, you need both impulses. If you’re ever in a bad situation, especially an unjust one, you want an Eight and all their anger on your side, because we do not back down, and we are not afraid of whatever powers that be – even when it might be smarter to be a little afraid.

Easy access to anger can also benefit one-on-one relationships if it’s channeled well. Eights are not afraid of conflict. If there’s a problem, we want to have it out immediately, so conflict doesn’t stew and build up over time. The downfall is that not everyone is ready to deal with our intensity right on the spot. matthew-henry-86779-unsplash I’ve had to find gentler ways to approach people in a conflict so I don’t scare them away from communicating with me; to give them space to process and come back to me later. It’s extremely hard for me to wait on other people to sort out conflict, but I have to keep repeating the mantra: “Just because it’s not solved today, doesn’t mean it won’t be solved.”

Healthy anger outlets: I need to do something physical. My anger – and really all my emotions – are very connected to my body. I feel them physically, and when I avoid them, they build up and start manifesting physically. In an ideal world, I would maintain regular practices of martial arts/kickboxing and yoga. One, to get out the aggression and provide a challenge, and the other to listen to my body in a gentler, slower manner that accepts limitations. I’ve had some injuries in the last couple of years that have prevented this, and I can really feel the lack. Also, I love verbally sparring with other Eights (or other types who can hang in there and not think my intensity means I dislike them). I kind of need to have at least one really good argument a week. Sometimes this shows up on Twitter.

2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short?

Eights tend to be drawn to two polar opposite sets of qualities in other people. We get very tender and protective of people who have obvious weaknesses or are underdogs, and often our own vulnerability comes out most readily with those folks. Our competitiveness can take a rest, and they already know we are strong because we’re the ones fighting on their side. We are also drawn to people who can match our intensity. For me that tends to be other Eights who get excited about going toe-to-toe, Sevens who crave adventure and experience (I’m a strong Seven Wing as well), and Fours who share my level of intensity but situate it in their emotional core, which draws me into the emotional territory that I sometimes avoid if left to my own devices. We are also looking for a high level of loyalty. If I see or sense that someone will not have my back, or that they will take their problems with me to someone else and create discord behind my back, we’re not friends. I can deal with a lot of miscommunications, misunderstandings, and differences, but if you betray me, we’re done.

“Fall short” sounds like such a judgmental way of putting it, but I do have a hard time with people who seem to lack the courage of their convictions or who put on such different personas that I don’t feel like I know who they really are. Studying the Enneagram has helped me understand that sometimes these behaviors are not a fundamental lack of integrity, as I once believed, but rather patterns that people develop to achieve desired ends – which are different than my desired ends. That said, if someone fails to stand with me against injustice, I would probably use the judgy “fall short” terminology.

3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights?

– We’re not (usually) trying to scare or bully you; we really just think we’re stating an opinion. We often don’t know how forceful we sound or how much space we take up in a room.

– Yes, we’re angry, but it’s because we care. We care immensely about people and systems, and it comes out in anger. Type Eights are quite capable of not caring, and you can tell because we no longer have opinions or get angry about something if we don’t care. We’ve completely disconnected, and there’s no coming back from that.

– Most Eights will make you earn our vulnerability. It’s not that we can’t be vulnerable, or that we don’t want to be, but we want to know we can trust you first.

4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually?

I’m naturally drawn to practicing my spirituality in entirely active and outward-focused ways. I can do advocacy and activism all day, every day. But eventually, even an Eight burns out from doing and doing – and never being. I’ve intentionally integrated contemplative practices into my life so that I can build a foundation for my social action and access other emotions than anger. I still don’t like contemplative prayer or meditation – and I’m always struggling against the voice that says I could be out doing something – but I do practice them regularly. I also take 2-3 day silent retreats at least once a year, which is the hardest and best thing ever for this highly extroverted 8w7. It takes me at least twenty-four hours just to stop thinking I should give up and go talk to some humans, and then I can start to dip a toe into the reality of my emotional and spiritual state.

Part of my spiritual practice is also an intentional community. I’ve been part of a small cohort of other women clergy for several years, and we check in with each other regularly, do some writing together, and meet occasionally for retreats. That group has been a really important part of keeping me grounded and also helping me grow into some of those vulnerability things that are hard for Eights. It’s pretty crucial for me to have people around who know me well enough that they won’t settle for my bullshit and who push me to be more emotionally honest and whole.

5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two?

My move toward Five is a big danger zone flag, and fortunately, the people closest to me have been well trained to recognize it. I withdraw and get secretive, which is not at all my normal way of being. I know that when I don’t want to tell anyone what I did last night, even if it was just watching a movie on my couch, I am disintegrating. Beware the Eight doing research; we’re often preparing to blow something up. A serious move toward Five means that I disconnect from all of my close relationships.

When I integrate toward Type Two, I become extremely generous with my time and emotional energy. I’m much more likely to be aware of how best to care for other people, and I’m naturally open-hearted and trusting. In groups, I intentionally provide a lot of space for other people to fully express themselves instead of dominating conversations.

6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence?

warren-wong-346736-unsplash I think the experience of what happens to our bodies in response to anger or challenge is central to being an Eight. I literally feel like I am physically growing and my presence in a room seems quantifiably larger to me. When I’m in a highly emotional state, it’s often hard for me to be touched, because I can feel energy rolling off my skin like heat. All of my emotion radiates out from my gut and core, and when I disintegrate, that’s also where things go wrong and I end up with digestive and lower back problems. I mentioned physical activity as an outlet earlier, and I really need to engage my body through breathing exercises, yoga, walking, or punching things if I want to calm down.

7. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I love that conflict doesn’t scare me, and that I can stand up for myself and for others without second guessing myself or fearing the outcome. I love being decisive and clear, and knowing that I can assert myself when it’s necessary. I love the big heartedness and generosity that comes with health. I love the rush of knowing I’m going into a big battle. And I know this is why people of other types dislike us, but I confess that I kind of love it that if I need to, I can scare people a little.

I hate that our more tender emotions get so buried that we often don’t know they exist, and I don’t love it that our intensity of opinion makes us come off as blowhards. I hate that other types feel worse about their “negative” qualities than Eights usually do, not because I want to feel worse, but because there is a lot of pressure from other Enneagram folks to feel bad about your type. The Enneagram journey for a lot of people involves discovering their type because it is uncomfortably resonant and points out things they would rather people didn’t know and working toward acceptance. For Type Eights it tends to be opposite. We think it’s all a crock, then we hear Eights described and think, “Hell yes, that is what I am and it is awesome!” and then it’s a process of realizing not EVERYTHING about it is awesome.

8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large?

I just rolled my eyes and sighed deeply; does that tell you anything? I’m still trying to figure out what it means to consistently let myself show the soft, loving, vulnerable side of my heart to good friends and to my congregation. At this point, I don’t really think anything negative would happen, but it’s challenging to access the part of me that openly expresses loving emotions. I’m working on articulating affection, which I feel, but am terrible at speaking. I think I’ve gotten beyond my fear that people will reject or betray me if I’m open with them, but I’m still often so busy accomplishing all the things that it doesn’t occur to me to stop and verbally appreciate people.

9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? (Totally selfish question!)

The best thing my parents did for me was to respect my autonomy and reasoning skills. I’m not sure I ever considered any of their decisions or rules to be the final answer, which I’m sure was frustrating at times, but they listened to me, explained why the rules existed, and gave serious consideration to my alternative ideas. They never made me follow a rule that didn’t make sense, and they let me make a lot of my own decisions from a very young age as long as I could prove I was adequately responsible. In hindsight, I probably would have benefitted from a little more encouragement to be affectionate and to ask for help when it was necessary because I really drank in the message that it was best to be tough and self-sufficient. It served me well in many ways, but learning to open up to people at forty is a challenge!

10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?

Yield – It’s hilarious how my body draws back as if it’s preparing to resist in response to just the word. I can think of this positively if I frame it as yielding the floor – making space for someone else to express their ideas or feelings. Or a yield sign on a freeway entrance, that means you need to wait and take your turn so the road is safe for everyone. But yield also carries the connotation of giving up or ceding a competition to someone else, and apparently, I’m still way too Eight for that.

Affection – I’m actively seeking to be more receptive to and expressive of affection. For me, it’s sort of like trying on clothes that are not at all your normal style. I tell myself that I’m going to try it out, and it’s probably going to look awkward and feel kind of uncomfortable, but I’m at least going to put it on and sashay around in front of the mirror for a few minutes before I decide to discard it. And sometimes I end up deciding it’s the perfect thing to keep on for a few hours. I haven’t overhauled my wardrobe yet, but I keep a few pieces around for regular use. Have I exhausted this metaphor yet? People regularly hug me now and I don’t freak out. Often, I even like it. Occasionally, I initiate it, and that is huge.

Empowerment – I love me some empowerment, but I’m embracing the empowerment of emotions other than anger. Moving through grief well is tremendously empowering. Allowing yourself to love is empowering. One of my favorite things about the congregation I serve is that we laugh together all the time. Collective laughter is its own form of resistance, and it is tremendously empowering.

Rev. Stacey Midge serves as the pastor of Mt. Auburn Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. She’s a musician, hockey fan, and traveler, but does all things at the beck and call of her elderly hound, Laila. Stacey has been working with the Enneagram personally for about ten years and recently started integrating it into congregational ministry. You can find her on her website staceymidge.com or on Twitter @revstacey. To sign up for her “For 8s by 8s” Email List”: CLICK HERE

*Photos by Peter John Maridable, Matthew Henry , Ty Williams on Unsplash

The Great Eights: Interview with Enneagram Eight Asia Perrin

Posted on April 23, 2018April 23, 2018 by melissakircher

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“You have to know what you stand for, not just what you stand against.” ― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

Today we have a Type Eight in the house! Asia Perrin has graciously allowed me to interview her and ask all kinds of questions about what it’s like to be a Body Triad Eight. Her answers literally put me in the mind, body, and emotions of an Eight and are so helpful! I’m loving these interviews and have a bunch more lined up. It’s great to hear from real people about how the Enneagram is impacting their lives. Thank you, Asia, for sharing your amazing thoughts and experiences!

1. (Asia), when you typed yourself as an Eight did you feel deflated or have a confident sense of, “Oh yeah, that seems all good to me!” I’ve heard that of all the numbers, Eights are the most content with their number.

I was super content, haha. Actually, it was more like I felt known. That’s a big deal for me, feeling known past my “tough” exterior. (Which in my opinion, I don’t feel as tough as people perceive me!)

2. What is the energy flow of an Eight? How does being in the Body Triad impact how you work, play, relax, and interact? Does anything shift your energy, like do you have triggers that might send you into a different space/flow?

I always need to be doing something. I’m a tactile learner, I have to do/play with the lesson I’m learning in order to grasp it. Even relaxing for me is “doing” something. Cooking, cleaning, shopping. I don’t enjoy doing nothing. For me, being in the Body Triad means I physically experience things. Like, when I get really scared/angry, my mouth gets hot. When I experience something physically large in nature (waterfalls, Grand Canyon, mountains, etc), I get lightheaded. I’m also a Christian, so in context of the presence of God, I feel Him… instead of seeing or sensing Him. Everything I experience is very physical.

As far as triggers, it’s when people take away my attention of that moment; distracting or interrupting me from what I’m experiencing. Sometimes, in integration/health, I can feel people emotions. It’s weird, but often that overwhelms me. It’s tiring to process someone else’s emotions when processing your own emotions isn’t natural.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you are stressed (Arrow to Type Five)? What happens to your closest relationships when you are integrated/in health (Arrow to Type Two)?

Stressed: I’ve made it a point to surround myself with very strong people who aren’t afraid to call me out or put me in my place. I know my personality is intense, so I need people to be strong enough to tell me what I need to hear. But also, people who see past that strength, as well. SO usually in times of stress, they let me throw my fit and can handle the unbridled tongue of an Eight haha! But if something is too vulnerable to talk about, I don’t even share it with them. I handle it on my own, because if I, the juggernaut Eight, can’t fix the problem, how can they?

Health: In health, I’m a very protective, selfless person. It’s really interesting how much of a Type Two I embody in health. I can process and work through feelings. I don’t care about asserting my dominance. I still express anger, though—I’m not afraid to show anger in either stress or health. I think the most important thing is, in health, even if I think someone is trying to control me, I don’t feel scared or defensive because I’m in total control of myself. For me, it’s taking a lot of my energy to consistently function as an integrated Eight. I have a lot of counter-instinctual behaviors to adjust to. When I visualize an Eight in health, I picture a beautiful house, one that was made to be enjoyed by guests to find safety and rest (that’s the Type Two). This house, however, is enclosed by the most impenetrable wall that no one can get in unless I let them.

4. Do you know if you have a Seven or Nine Wing? If so, how do the characteristics of either the Seven or Nine or support/enhance the traits of being an Eight?

I’m a Seven Wing! I definitely embody a Type Seven in most social interactions. My Seven Wing is most shown through my energy. I’m social, outgoing, humorous, fun and love hanging out with people. I overcommit to social activities and am very dramatic in interactions… very loud and boisterous. In fact, for the most part, besides in stress, my Eight nature most comes out when I see someone trying to hurt others, especially those I care about.

5. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike the most?

I love that Eights are so comfortable (and proud) with who they are, that opinions don’t bother us. I also love how we love. Passionately, deliberately, and sincerely. If you have an Eight on your side, you have one hell of a companion. annie-spratt-54462-unsplash Have you ever seen an Eight walk into a room? As an Eight, even I’M captivated. We’re some of the most authentic and captivating types. The main thing I love about Eights is the authenticity we live in. We truly are ourselves, for better or worse.

What I dislike most, is the Eight’s ability to bully and manipulate. We carry too much intensity and authority to use it carelessly. I also truly dislike how people interpret Type Eight people. For the most part we’re seen as mean and often told to soften our personalities because others can’t be around us. While I agree in part, I don’t think it’s fair to the Eight.

6. What practices have you integrated into your life as an Eight to help you become more self-aware and grow? Are there any spiritual practices you connect to that might tie into your number?

When I get angry about something, I have to take a day or two to feel that anger and identify the root of it. Mostly, I’ll confront the source of my anger, whether that means talking to someone about an issue, processing an emotion I’m uncomfortable with, or asking for help. I always research things or try to find the truth behind a situation before I act out. Lastly, I started counseling, it really helps mirror how my actions come across but also validates the feelings I neglect. As far as spiritual practices, I pray a lot and talk to God about things I’m experiencing.

7. What do you wish people understood about your number? What are some common misconceptions about Eights?

We’re not mean, wild forceful beings that can’t be tamed. Those are aspects to us, yes, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we are. We’re actually super caring and emotional—when you let us be. It just takes some time for us to let down our walls, and if you’re not worth it, you’ll never see that side.

Eights do not mean to be rude, I promise. People can like having Eights around because we will say what they’re afraid to say. But our bluntness isn’t malicious, it’s coming from a sincere place of wanting to be honest. Eights value honesty so much that when we share the truth with you, it’s because we’re trying to do the right thing.

Eights unconsciously fight for those who can’t. It’s almost second-nature. This, however, leads to Eights fighting battles we were never intended to fight. You may have to tell an Eight to back off and let you do it on your own (I know it’s scary, but we need that smack sometimes.) However, Don’t use an Eight to engage in conflict when they’re for you, then “punish” us when that same energy is directed at you. We’re allowed to defend ourselves when other Types finally get the courage to say something to us, especially if it’s a negative interaction.

Lastly, women Eights are just as valuable as male Eights. DON’T FORGET THAT. Women Eights: you are strong and still delicate, protective, yet fragile, hardworking, yet still needing rest. It’s okay. You can do and have it all, and still ask for help. The right people will always be there to help you when you can’t do it anymore (even though we will still try)!

8. As a child, did you feel that somewhere along the line you picked up the message that, “You must always be strong,”? That somehow it would be unsafe to show softness or vulnerability?

I didn’t pick it up, so much as it was specifically said to me. Growing up, the message of not letting people take advantage of you and protecting others was instilled into me. Especially after becoming an older sister, that heightened. Unsafety in showing vulnerability and softness often came when people would tell me to “get over it”, use my vulnerability against me, or when someone would invalidate my feelings as trivial. It was really sad that emotions were regarded as a weakness when in reality, counter to the Eight’s belief, there’s immense strength in acknowledging and processing your emotions.

9. Talk about what the words truth, protect, and thoughtfulness mean to you today.

Those words carry so much weight!! Truth is everything. I have a really hard time when jon-tyson-628533-unsplash people lie. Mainly about stupid stuff. For me, I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t keep their mouth shut, instead of unnecessarily lying about something. Most of the time, the truth comes out and you look stupid. That’s intense I know, but I hate lying. Moral of the story: If we’re friends, tell me the truth, I can handle it

Protect: This word to me, is almost a command. “Protect those who can’t protect themselves.” I can’t tell you how many battles I fought that weren’t mine to fight. However, as I grow, I know it’s not my place to fight every battle, nor is it smart. It still does feel like a command though, so I definitely look down on people who abuse their power and hurt people they should be protecting.

Thoughtfulness: This is an acquired ability for me. Being thoughtful doesn’t come naturally, so it was a muscle I’ve had to exercise. Now, thoughtfulness is easier. Thoughtfulness is essential as Eights to care for and interact with others. It almost serves as a filter when the Eight overdoes it and tries to control everything. It helps bring my attention back to how my actions are affecting others.

Hi, I’m Asia! (Yep, just like the continent) I live in Orange County, but grew up in San Diego. My life consists of tweeting, getting far too invested in the Enneagram, and watching too much reality TV. Follow me on Twitter @AsiaJaLacie

*Photos by Arisa Chattasa , Annie Spratt , Jyotirmoy Gupta ,Jon Tyson on Unsplash

The Ocean of Emotion: Enneagram Type Four

Posted on April 16, 2018April 16, 2018 by melissakircher

“I’ll stop wearing black when you make a darker color.” — Fall Out Boy

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on.’ ‘Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?’ ‘My insides don’t match up with my outsides.’ ‘Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up?’ ‘I don’t know. I’m only me.’ ‘Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.’ ‘But it’s worse for me.’ ‘I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him.’ ‘Probably. But it really is worse for me.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Type Four in Integration – Health

Enneagram Type Fours swim in a deep sea of emotion. They are in the Heart Triad and on a daily basis their fast emotions, the ones that crash over them moment by moment, are waves—truer, more authentic emotions are the ocean itself. In health, Fours know how to ride the waves and become emotionally adept, able to attune with precision to what’s happening inside of them and to what others are feeling, as well. They can be some of the wisest, most attentive listeners, empowering others in a way that brings to light each person’s specialness. Fours also have a talent for making space for pain; you will want them by your side during trials because they will be the ones to sit and cry with you—not trying to fix or solve your problems like many others would do.

Type Fours are often quite creative; the artists and writers and musicians and photographers and dreamers of the world. Though any type may be an artist, Fours are the most common because they desire authenticity and unique expression above all else. They want to be the truest version of themselves and bring an idiosyncratic perspective to whatever they do. This can show up in their outward appearance; Fours usually have a certain aesthetic in the way they dress. They will have kooky, artsy, or highly fashionable clothes or an avant-garde hairstyle—whatever they feel expresses their inner-self best. Some Fours go through a “goth” phase, being drawn to dark makeup and clothing.

At their best they can be amiable, affirming, empathetic, and very nurturing, almost as nurturing as a Type Two. They search for answers to the complex questions in life like: why we are here, what is the purpose of life, and what are people supposed to do? They “have a natural gift for understanding the deeper emotional level of experience and [see] the beauty in darker emotions that other types would rather not feel, much less acknowledge.” (The Complete Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, pg. 268) They use engaging language and symbols to express whatever they turn their energy towards.

A Four working on integration will be actively seeking to regulate how they perceive reality. They stop focusing on lack and instead trend toward a more optimistic outlook on life. Positivity frees them from the hold that their constantly moving emotions has on them and allows Fours to actually produce the art, writing, music, etc. they dream about all the time. Optimism also helps them to accept the mundane aspects of life, which is helpful because a productive creative process is usually very disciplined and routine.

Type Four in Disintegration – Autopilot

“Fours have huge hearts, encompassing all the emotions that could possibly be contained within a heart. Yet the heart of the Four is a paradox; it can seem remarkably present to itself while simultaneously seeming to be cut off from itself. The near-yet-distant heart of the Four fuels the lie ‘I am what other people think or say about me’.” (The Sacred Enneagram, Chris Heuertz, pg. 214)

Fours in autopilot get lost in longing. They long for love above all else and feel that there is something broken or missing inside of them that prevents them from finding or keeping love. They fabricate an ideal of love and can lose themselves in fantasies about it. This fantasizing fulfills them—but just for a while—and then the need for real love takes over and they search for it in others. The tricky thing is that they’re almost addicted to this longing; it’s like a cat and mouse game inside their hearts. The longing itself is what feels special, but once they find love, they quickly become dissatisfied with messy reality and push their lovers away. Back and forth, around and around they go.

The inner landscape of a Four is an intense focus on their own emotions and the ever-present feeling of not being enough or having enough. They can easily shift into melancholy or dark moods, wallowing in shame for not living up to their own imagined ideal. They deal with envy a lot. Their emotions shift rapidly, moving from ecstasy to despair in a matter of minutes. This constant ebb and flow can make the Four think their emotions are unmanageable, wild, or out of control.

Body Language and Speech

In conversation, a Four is recognized by how often they look down to the right or left—this is a sign of being stuck in an inner dialogue or processing emotions as one speaks. A Four will give off signs of their base-level melancholic tendency by their shaded eyelids, sometimes watering eyes, slack shoulders, draped bodies, and a head nearly always tilted to the side. They smile but in a sad way. A Four in autopilot likes to converse about the finer things of life; about art, beauty, design, and fashion. They desire to look unique; one of a kind. When talking they will often pause for long periods of time, or sigh, to give themselves time to contemplate the exact right words to express their inner emotional landscape. A big tell that someone is a Four is a special talent they possess to steer a conversation so it always comes back to them. They come across as self-absorbed and arrogant and can manipulate any topic so that either it relates to them or so that they seem to be the expert on the topic.

Wings

A Type Four will either have a Three Wing or Five Wing—or both.

Arrow to Two in Stress

Entitlement and feelings of uniqueness become worse. Put themselves on a self-righteous pedestal.
Loved ones move away from the Four as they become more self-absorbed and in response the Four experiences longing. They then take on the “giving to get” mindset in order to manipulate others back into a relationship.
Intrude into other people’s lives with the attitude that they know better and are “helping” the person.
Have emotional rages like a Two, sudden onset of crying bouts, bursts of anger—and they cease to take responsibility for their own feelings. It is always the other person’s fault.

Arrow to One in Health

Their emotions and thinking become clearer, they communicate less in metaphor and more in precise ways that others can understand.
Become more practical, less lost in the sea of emotion and more focused on daily tasks and what actually needs to get done to accomplish goals.
More neat and methodical. They care about the proper way things are done and are less lost in fantasy.
Feelings of “otherness” dissipate and the Four can engage in life according to their will. Their moods cease to dictate their actions.
Less apt to hog the conversation and speak only about themselves. They become more interested in others.
They do more and become attuned to their bodies.

*Photos by Toa Heftiba , Matias Rengel , Mubariz Mehdizadeh , Shamim Nakhai on Unsplash

I’m Afraid; I’m Going to Punch You: Discussions About the Phobic and Counter Phobic Enneagram Type Six

Posted on April 9, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Of all the nine numbers of the Enneagram, Type Six is the only one with two variants: Phobic and Counter Phobic. Many scholars believe that Sixes will fall somewhere on a spectrum between Phobic and Counter Phobic, having a dominant variant instead of being strictly one or the other. Let’s discuss the main features of both the Phobic and Counter Phobic Six, as well as the basic features of the type in general.

Type Six Generalities

At their healthiest, Sixes are quite adept at problem-solving. They use their analytical skills to confidently lead their own unique life and take control of situations. They trust themselves, their hearts, and their instincts and can take individual action based on their gut instincts. They move about in the world with confidence in their decisions. Type Sixes can become productive troubleshooters who are amazing at spotting future problems or potential issues. Integrated Sixes can see the uplifting and inspirational side of life and develop a good sense of humor about things that go wrong. At their best, Sixes are sensitive and loyal friends, family members, employees, and citizens.

In autopilot, the main downfall of the Six, namely, their unrelenting fear, becomes the focus of all their attention. They are in the Head Triad and so their minds begin to fill with constant anxiety. The Six feels helpless, self-doubtful, and emotionally unstable. Left to stew with their churning, fearful thoughts about worst-case scenarios, they become hyper-cautious and tense; unable to make decisions or take action. It becomes almost impossible for them to trust their own judgment. They start to feel they can’t handle even the smallest of obstacles and become complainers about small injuries. Sometimes, they aggrandize their perceived helplessness so that another “stronger” person will take charge.

Spirituality

“Doubt involves a loss of faith. The [Six] child reacted with fear to losing the permanent security of essence, initiating a lifelong preoccupation with courage. Fear creates dependency on rules and protective authority, which mimics the certainty of faith. The Enneagram’s Fear type has a parallel in the Doubting Mind category of Buddhist practice, in which attention shifts from belief to intense internal questioning…The path of faith begins with the firmly held beliefs seen in psychologically mature people, but, like all of the qualities that originate in essence, faith can transform consciousness.” – (The Enneagram in Love and Work, Helen Palmer, pg.151,152)

Phobic Six

travis-bozeman-396018-unsplash Fear is the central emotion in Sixes; a Phobic Six will flee from whatever causes them fear. A Phobic Six will literally exude nervousness. Their speech will be hesitant and sometimes they might stutter or mispronounce words. Their gaze will be scattered, moving around the room, not settling on anything for long. They can also put on a calm, compliant, warm front—in order to disarm other people. A Phobic Six will either consciously or unconsciously think, “When I am nice, it doesn’t cause trouble and I will be safe.” Their smiles will look strained and you may catch a suspicious sort of look in their eye; even while they’re working hard at being engaging. A Phobic Six is always watching you, always testing you. They are obedient to authority but also very suspicious.

A Phobic Six tends to complain a lot, in a very whiny manner. They talk about dangers, risks, undesirable outcomes, or worst-case scenarios. “I have a stomach ache,” they think, “it must be cancer.” Type Sixes often disempower themselves and in reaction they empower forces outside themselves, trying to make other people do what they believe they can’t. They show devotedness to an authority who feels safe – they become a loyal soldier. Once safe inside the care of authority, they check to make sure everyone else is adhering to set guidelines, traditions, or beliefs.

They talk about their fear so much to diffuse it. Sixes feel their fear in their bodies and can frighten themselves to such a degree they need to vent their anxiety. Otherwise, it becomes very overwhelming inside of their minds and hearts.

Phobic Sixes in autopilot (see paragraph one for more healthy Six characteristics) are often over-reactive. Their emotions are felt in extremes. They dramatize challenges to seek attention, magnifying small injuries and making mountains out of molehills. Their tone of speaking is negative and pessimistic. On the flip side, more integrated Phobic Sixes can be quite funny and have a good sense of humor. This humor helps them to deal with anxiety by making fun of it in a self-deprecating way.

The Phobic Six will often take a position in a group discussion they don’t necessarily agree with. They want to engage others in order to test the quality of the argument and identify weaknesses or to disprove or discard the argument as a whole.

Counter Phobic Six

Fear is the central emotion in Sixes; a Counter Phobic Six will confront and jump into their fears in order to overcome them. They can even seek out their fears at times.

Their body-language will be an overcompensation of their inner fears—Counter Phobic Sixes are often mistaken for Type Eights. They appear strong, powerful, and authoritative, with direct, probing eye-contact. An Enneagram Eight will be very distant and secure in their power stance, you can differentiate the Counter Phobic Six by the small glimmers of anxiety that seep through their facade: rapid eye movements and blinking a lot. They have quicker and more reactive hand and arm gestures when talking.

The Counter Phobic Six will still talk a great deal about dangers and risks, but they will emphasize how unafraid they are. They want to anticipate dangers and to do something about them. “What needs to be done to handle this worst-case scenario before it’s too late?” Counter Phobic Sixes focus on preparation, tools, and plans. They also like to speak about us vs. them situations. They are usually loyal to one organization or authority because it brings a sense of belonging and security, and so they are active in promoting their own team. My church vs. your church. My corporation vs. your corporation. My sports team vs. your sports team.

This Six variant wants to show you they’re not afraid. Inside they are actually very afraid, but they handle it by creating safety in preparation, plans, a safe authority, and keeping risky people at a distance. In a strange mini-twist, the Counter Phobic Six will also be very wary of their chosen authority figure; they are obedient but distrustful. They will continually test the authority or organization, looking for red flags or warnings that something might become untrustworthy.

Counter Phobic Sixes are bold when they are healthy and authoritarian when they are stressed. In stress, they will expect submission from you, becoming contentious and argumentative. They will intentionally cause controversy, ask a lot of questions, and initiate arguments.

In summary, a Phobic Six is afraid. A Counter Phobic Six is afraid, but they will karate chop that fear into tiny, wee pieces. In doing their work and moving toward integration, both variants are confident, smart, decision-makers who are great friends and employees. You want a Six by your side in life!

*Photos by Jean-Philippe Delberghe , Travis Bozeman , Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

Introducing Your Host: An Interview with Enneagram Paths Writer Melissa Kircher

Posted on April 2, 2018April 2, 2018 by melissakircher

“The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks.” ― Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian

Hello, fellow Enneagram lovers! Today on the blog we have a returning guest, Sam Greenberg, interviewing yours truly—Melissa—Enneagram Paths writer, creator, and a Type Five with Four Wing (5w4).

Sam and I connected on Twitter because we are both women Type Fives—shocking! Neither of us had met another woman Five before, so we e-met. It has been a bit like Christmas getting to email back and forth and ask each other all kinds of questions. She sent me some good, meaty ones that I think are really helpful if you are a Type Five, know a Five, or are in any kind of relationship with a Five. Enjoy all the nerdy mental processing about to come your way!

1. [Melissa] how do you avoid obsessively tinkering something to death before sharing it with the world? How do you know when something is “done”?

Oh, this hits me deep. I’m a visual artist and a writer and I’ve literally had to make it a wellness practice to cut off my projects at a certain point. Nothing ever feels perfect enough. I have loads of ideas—notebooks filled with ideas—and I can execute right up until the end. For some reason, the end of a project or painting feels like death, like someone is peeling off my skin. The energy of it gets all screwed up and where I was breezing through a piece with confidence at the beginning, I’m clawing with fingernails to the end. Understanding that this is a normal Type Five trait has helped me have grace on myself—sometimes. I try to be nice to the inner Melissa who gets caught in mental loops as she strives for perfection OR the fear that whatever it is will fail/not sell/not make a client happy. And in the art world, rejection and failure happen a lot—which is not fun for a Five like me. It reinforces my belief that I’m not competent and should give up. I have both self-published and traditionally published novels and I LOVE traditional publishing. My Five mind can’t handle all the minute details it takes to self-publish, give me editors and cover artists and please take all the executing of many to-do lists out of my poor, tired hands.

I do also have help bringing my work out into the world, I have a Type Three husband who kicks my butt, encourages me, and will take over some of the technical stuff when I feel overwhelmed. I also have a Four wing that creates a strong need for self-expression and visibility. Sometimes, I feel like a Four unicorn and that everyone else must recognize my unique specialness. (Said with heaps of sarcasm.)

2. What is your relationship to things like clothing/shopping, keeping the house clean, or remembering to go to the doctor?

In the clothing area, I am total a mix of Type Five and Type Four. I’m a thrift store junkie because I both abhor paying full-price for anything (cheapskate Five) and don’t want to look like anyone else (special snowflake Four). It’s really hard for me to spend money on anything; I get hives thinking about it and intense guilt after said money is spent—even if it’s on toilet paper! I’m working hard on generosity, on giving more to others and also trying to spend money on myself. For fun. Like normal folks do. My tendency to save and skimp is part of the Five hoarding of resources. It feels dangerous to take anything out of the bank.

Keeping the house clean is an obsession—that I hate. I have two kids now, which compounds this problem. Before kids, I had a very mishmash Five/Four home. It was super clean and minimalist, but also pretty. All our furniture is second-hand or refinished by me. I’m notorious for dumpster-diving and nabbing things off the side of the road. But the Four wing has a definite aesthetic and most people can’t tell how little cash I spend on making my home nice to look at. Now that I have kids, home is one area where the Arrow to Type Seven has kicked in. When I’m stressed, I clean the house. I angry clean. How dare these people live? How dare they drop a crumb? How dare they have specks of earth on their shoes? I’m trying to notice this spiral more—my kids start to feel like an infringement on my safety (I’m a self-preservation Five and home is my Castle of Isolation and Fortitude) and this creates a false need to clean. Instead, what I really need to do is to enter into the moment and enjoy the crazy, and/or sit down and rest.

Also, errands, doctor’s appointments, laundry, parent-teacher conferences, grocery shopping?? OMG, what a waste of my life and precious mental processing time! I try to pawn off as much as I can to the Three hubby who loves Getting. Things. Done. What stinks is that I’m actually super great at grocery shopping because I stick to the budget—life as a Five is so draining!

3. In our email exchange, you said you don’t navigate emotions easily. How has that been for you as an artist?

As an illustrator and painter, it’s easy. Give me good music or a deep podcast and I tap into my emotional self with ease. As a storyteller, one of my greatest weaknesses is presenting the emotions of characters. I can set a damn good scene, but I struggle to invite the reader into a character’s heart with emotion. I think as I do more work to integrate to my healthy Eight Arrow, emotions and a sense of bodily presence might more readily flow into my work.

4. What is your relationship to expressions of emotion such as crying? What about crying in front of other people?

My family does not tolerate crying. When I cried as a child my mother often told me I was, “Out of control.” So I learned to hide. My household was verbally and emotionally abusive and if I wanted to cry about it I had to go into the woods alone (without my Eight brother) or take a long shower where the sound of the water would drown out the sound of my tears. Now, as an adult, they still don’t allow me to cry. If I cry—or show any emotion—I’m told to “calm down” or “stop being ridiculous”. This from my mother, father, and brother.

So, crying about anything going on inside of myself feels shameful even though I will easily tear up when someone else is hurt or in pain—even people I don’t know. I can’t watch the news or see horrific things on the internet, it guts me. Most people find me incredibly empathetic and able to hold space for their emotions, but I’m total crap at feeling my own emotions. It will take a day or two for any emotion to kick in after a conflict or something that upsets me. The Enneagram work I’m doing now with a therapist is to discover my backbone—and to start to feel my emotions as they arise. I want to empathize with myself more. Curiously, bodywork like meditation and yoga have been helping my trapped emotions emerge and I cry more. But not yet very much about myself. And not yet very much in front of others. Work in progress!

5. How has it been for you being a parent?

It is the hardest thing ever. Ever. Ever-ever. As a Type Five and the most introverted introvert I’ve ever met, having a (for now) Type Seven child and Type Eight child with a Type Three husband has burnt the shit out of all my energy reserves. Oh my gosh. It’s so freaking hard. I can’t state enough the difficulty of caring so deeply about two beings (one who is adopted and that’s a whole other thing) and yet I don’t want to be around them 95% of the time.

I’m not nurturing and I’ve had to figure out how to be nurturing. I’m not in my body and yet I’ve had two tiny humans clinging to me all day. I thrive being left alone with my thoughts and these days not thirty seconds goes by without someone hollering, “Mom!”

I’m learning a ton about self-care. I got a therapist for my son who has Reactive Attachment Disorder to help me support him better. I’m learning from my kids: my Seven daughter teaches me to lighten up, laugh, and enjoy things! My Eight son teaches me to have boundaries and feel experiences with my body and that it’s okay to be angry. I have zero support from either side of our families and that is exhausting. I would love help, but I don’t get it, nor am I likely to. So, I’m having to ask for help from friends and also be okay with vetted summer camps and school programs that give me a break. My daughter is going to all day pre-school (she’s four-years-old) five days a week this year. I had to let go of my “mom expectations” and acknowledge that it was best for her and for me.

Seriously, parenting is teaching me all the good-hard things. It’s “brutiful” (brutal and beautiful). And yes, sometimes I do yell, “For the love, would you all just let me think?!”

6. My research is about human sexuality so I am most curious about your dating, romantic and intimate relationship experiences. How have those been for you? Sometimes Fives are so used to being powerless in the world that we like to exercise power in relationships. This would be more of the “shadow” side of 5 relationships.

Well, I’m a weird nut in that I’ve only ever dated my husband. No, it was not some crazy courting thing (not a Duggar), but I was super shy in my teens. I had lots of guy friends in high school because I relate better to males in general, but I definitely sent out an “I’m not available vibe”. Even though inside I was dying for romantic attention.

When I got to college and I finally came into myself, I became much more outgoing and starting dating the guy who would become my husband four years later. I have seen the shadow side of Five in our relationship more than any other. Fives tend to push off emotions and needs, but they build up. And when the dam bursts, it can be explosive! I have lost my freaking mind with my husband and exhibited behaviors like screaming at the top of my lungs or verbal bullying (I “word” him into a corner with insults and sarcasm and “logic”) This shadow side emerges only when every last inch of my boundaries have been crossed and I can’t take any more. The problem is I don’t communicate my feelings or needs or boundaries! So, when a Five finally speaks up, it’s often in a roar. We’ve been pushed past our limits. I’m finding grace for myself when this happens and actively working to make it not part of my life.

The key for me is to learn to start speaking up in small ways about my emotions, needs, and boundaries. I have to let people into my inner world a bit at a time. Then blowups are prevented because I don’t have a giant backlog of grievances and unfelt emotions.

It’s really scary, but I’ve started doing this with my husband and friends and have found so much health and healing in letting out emotions and needs as they arise.

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Interviewer Sam E. Greenberg is a writer and researcher, currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology. Her research interests include human sexuality and relationships, personality theory and ego structures (including the Enneagram!), psychospiritual wellness, social power dynamics, and mechanisms for addressing implicit bias. In her “spare” time, Samantha enjoys dancing, traveling, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her inscrutable dog, Luna. You can find her on Twitter @IntroverteDiva

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Melissa Kircher is an artist, writer, and student of the Enneagram. You can find her work on both Enneagram Paths and her website www.melissakircher.com. She’s currently working toward an Enneagram teaching certification and hopes to offer Enneagram mentoring services late 2018. You can connect with her on Twitter @enneagrampaths and Instagram @enneagrampaths.

*Photos by Park Troopers , Kat J, Thought Catalog on Unsplash

I Feel Pain: A Humorous Look at How Each Enneagram Type Might Intuituvely Respond to Pain

Posted on March 29, 2018 by melissakircher

Type One – I feel pain.

Ah, an imperfection in myself detected. Must find the right diet, mindset, routine, system to obliterate this aberration.

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Type Two – I feel pain.

That’s someone else’s pain, let me go help them. Helping, helping, helping. Serving, serving, serving. Oh gosh darn, this pain is getting stronger and bigger and… (demon voice) NOW YOU WILL ALL FEEL MY WRATH!

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Type Three – I feel pain.

Nah, that was just a bit of indigestion. What’s next? Grab the dry cleaning, construct a chair from scratch using repurposed wood, go to the bank, kill my presentation at work, pick up the kids, and conquer the world… all while lookin’ fly.

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Type Four – I feel pain.

I need to stay in bed all day and wallow in the myriad of ways my life might have turned out differently / fantasize about the ideal scenario in which this misery, this gut-wrenching ache of despair would not have descended on such as I.

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Type Five – I feel pain.

What is the origin of this pain? Why is it manifesting at this particular time in my life? What happened today? There’s gotta be a book about this. Let me just pull up Google…

Type Six – I feel pain.

Damn right. Okay, DEFCON ONE! I’ve prepared for this moment every second of every day. I know my leader and I will now adhere to every one of their principles and guidelines until I’m shepherded back to safety.

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Type Seven – I feel pain.

Oh, look a glitter pen! And there’s a new burger joint I’ve been wanting to try and god, this shirt is old, I need a new one like right now.

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Type Eight – I feel pain.

No, I don’t. F*^ck you, feelings!

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Type Nine – I feel pain.

What? Huh? Oh sorry, I’m a little hazy because I’m between naps. Now, what was I feeling? Pizza, yum. I could go for a slice right now. What do you think? Do you feel hungry?

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Enjoy! – Melissa (Enneagram 5 and books are my best friends)

Enneagram Type One: Basic Characterisitcs and Arrows

Posted on March 26, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

taylor-grote-415994-unsplash “If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“Probably my worst quality is that I get very passionate about what I think is right.” —Hillary Clinton (Type One)

“If we can just let go and trust that things will work out the way they’re supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself.” ― Goldie Hawn

Enneagram Type Ones in integration are the kind of citizens, neighbors, bosses, teachers, and leaders the world so desperately needs. Ones in health are reliable, honest, conscientious, and hardworking. They have a sincere desire to improve the world and do so with integrity. When healthy, Ones contribute an intuitiveness about the natural order of things to leadership-type roles. They brush off their inner critic and become content to live out their personal ideals of wisdom and rightness in their own lives; accepting the humanity of others with grace and magnanimity. When invited to do so, Ones offer discerning insight to problems and be very wise advisors—but this is not a compulsion, an integrated One allows others to be on their own path.

In autopilot, a Type One fixes their attention on perceived imperfections. They notice the two percent of a job done ninety-eight percent well. This hyper-focus on what needs to be changed or made perfect can push them to become unbalanced. A One will often find they have an incessant inner voice that speaks critically about themselves and others. They can often come across as very arrogant—too secure in their idea of their own rightness. Ones in autopilot can be excessively judgmental.

“Average Ones are particularly troubled by perceived inconsistency, either in themselves or others, and therefore they attempt to make all their behavior consistent, sensible, and justifiable.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso and Hudson, pg. 112)

Type Ones often think and judge the world as “black and white”, there is no gray, no truth to be found on both sides of any given issue. When this kind of thinking takes over, Ones cut themselves off from healthy living. They unconsciously push others away with harsh judgments and relentless critical demands. They also exhaust themselves by trying to live correctly all the time. clinton-naik-176636-unsplash If there is black and white, right and wrong, they can get stuck in always trying to do the right or correct thing—and therefore burn out. This when their long-repressed anger at themselves and others will come bursting forth in fits of rage. Self-control and self-restraint will quickly kick back in though, because the One does not condone anger as a good emotion, and they will, therefore, stuff it back down inside.

“[As children Ones renounced] the development of their true selves to please others and earn the love of people who have sent them the signal, ‘You’re okay only when you’re perfect.’ One children have the childhood driven out of them; too soon have they had to act like adults. Often they had to take on responsibility, very early on, for a family in which for one reason or another one of the parents was missing…” (The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective, Richard Rohr, pg. 50)

Arrows:

In stress, a Type One takes on the lower qualities and behaviors of a Type Four.

Depressive and melancholy feelings emerge.
They want to be free of the burden of perfection and lose themselves in fantasies and daydreams.
Thoughts begin to circulate that no one understands them.
Withdraw from others.
Discipline and self-control collapse into storms of envy and resentment. They become suddenly dramatic about their feelings.

In health, a Type One takes on the higher qualities and behaviors of a Type Seven.

Become more spontaneous and reactive to life’s surprises.
Their inner critic relaxes and they enjoy each moment as it arises.
More open to a variety of opinions.
Curiosity, optimism, and a willingness to learn emerge.
In relating to others with a more open-hearted attitude, they discover the joy, humor, and whimsy in life and often become more joyful and funny themselves.

If you are a Type One and would like to be interviewed for an upcoming blog post please fill out the form on the Contact Page and I will get in touch!

*Photos by Taylor Grote , Clinton Naik & Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

I Need You to Need Me…

Posted on March 19, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

An Enneagram Type Two in health is a glorious creature to behold! They are warm, empathetic, kind, and generous. They are others-focused, meeting needs, and giving out of genuine love with no reciprocity expected. Twos know how to relate to others with a magical unicorn level of depth and understanding. They are usually very social and enjoy parties, retreats, nights out, and anything fun with lots of people. Integrated Twos are also quite attuned to their own needs and easily set and enforce healthy boundaries. They will be your best friend for life, but also tell you a firm “no” when appropriate.

A Type Two in autopilot takes their magical unicorn gift of special understanding and becomes obsessively attuned to meeting the needs of others. They push their relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs aside in order to spend all their energy helping someone else. Everyone else. The day of a Two is one giant quest to meet all the needs!

When stressed, Twos can become intrusive in their need to be needed and offer help “because they know better”. They can ask questions that are way too personal, ignoring the boundaries of those they love. Unconsciously, Twos in stress tend to seek out relationships with people who are a bit of a mess, in order to latch onto someone who will always need them. They want to be loved and helping makes them feel loved. Twos often get stuck in their pride of helping. They also get stuck wanting to be perceived as a good person, which makes it very hard for them to consider any kind of criticism. They do not take rejection well.

“But I’ve given you so much, how dare you say that about me!”

They can exhaust themselves in giving to get and take on a persona of the perpetual martyr.

tim-mossholder-414902-unsplash It is very difficult for a Two to stop the “giving to get” approach to love. As children, they were either taught or absorbed the idea that if they presented their need to be loved, it would be rejected. During their formative years, a message was enforced that in order to be loved you must repress who you are and focus on others. Twos are quite often unaware of their own needs—and afraid that if they do express their needs to another, the need will be unmet. And if it is met, what about next time? Is this a safe relationship in which my needs will always be met? And round and round they go!

Also, this type of giving to get approach works for them—but only a surface level. They see how admired and needed they are. They are affirmed and adored. And what will happen if they stop? It’s pure terror for a Two to stop giving because it opens them up to the worst possible scenario—of not being loved for exactly who they are.

Richard Rohr says the path toward vibrant life for a Two is an intention to: “[Set] other people free and be thankful for the intimacy and attention that is possible in relationships. Mature Twos are glad when people about who they were once concerned go their own way in freedom.”

It is then that Twos become the best kind of helpers, the ones who give joyfully to both themselves and other people. They are the bearers of grace, gratitude, and abundant hearts.

Are you a Type Two? Would you like to be interviewed for the Enneagram Paths Blog? Please fill out the form on the contact page. I’d love to hear from you.

*Photos by Dakota Corbin , Inês Pimentel & Tim Mossholder on Unsplash