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The Emotional Movement of Each Enneagram Type

Posted on November 26, 2019November 26, 2019 by melissakircher

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence.” — Robert K. Cooper. Ph.D.

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head — it is the unique intersection of both.” — David Caruso

Emotions matter. It seems so simple and yet, how many of us disregard our emotions? We stuff them inside, ignore them, and talk ourselves out of feeling everything that makes us uncomfortable. This tamping down of our emotional life comes at a cost: to our relationship with ourselves (self-love), our relationships with others, and it can adversely affect our physical and mental health. Emotions are neutral and they are informational. They point to what’s really going on; what areas in our life need love and attention.

Below is the emotional flux of each Enneagram Type as they move through the various stages of health, autopilot, and stress. None of these words are good or bad; they’re simply descriptive, and should be used like we’re all love detectives, investigating the emotional landscape in order to know more and feel it all.

The Emotional Flux of a Type One:

Stressed 4 – envious, depressed, resentful

Average 1 – Morally-minded, blunt, strict

Health 7 – Expansive, optimistic, spontaneous

The Emotional Flux of a Type Two:

Stressed 8 – Hostile, authoritative, shamed

Average 2 – Ingratiating, creative, unaware

Health 4 – Open, secure, expressive

The Emotional Flux of a Type Three:

Stressed 9 – raging, numbed, accusatory

Average 3 – insincere, charming, boundless

Health 6 – altruistic, courageous, devoted

The Emotional Flux of a Type Four:

Stressed 2 – resentful, needy, worthless

Average 4 – entitled, yearning, self-effacing

Health 1 – prolific, spacious, feeling geniuses

The Emotional Flux of a Type Five:

Stressed 7 – Anxious, manic, self-loathing

Average 5 – Curious, distant, insecure

Heath 8 – Energized, empowered, centered

The Emotional Flux of a Type Six:

Stressed 3 – frantic, deceptive, driven

Average 6 – alert, doubting, warm

Health 9 – intuitive, relaxed, trusting

The Emotional Flux of a Type Seven:

Stressed 1 – Agitated, critical, picky

Average 7 – joyful, avoidant, magnetic

Health 5 – Present, awe-filled, controlled

Emotional Flux of a Type Eight:

Stressed 5 – isolated, calculating, negligent

Average 8 – provocative, power-hungry, excessive

Health 2 – tender, attentive, intuitive

The Emotional Flux of a Type Nine:

Stressed 6 – worried, pessimistic, reactive

Average 9 – apathetic, serene, accommodating

Health – passionate, self-loving, driven

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

Loving the 9 Enneagram Types

Posted on November 19, 2019 by melissakircher

As an Enneagram Type 5, I love to get all wordy and deep, maximizing the nuance and complexity of an issue. However, sometimes we need life to be simple. Sometimes we just need a hit of wisdom to apply here and there; it can truly make a lasting difference.

Here are some quick tips for loving each Enneagram Type well. Next week, we’ll go through respecting each Type!

Loving a Type One:

Their bluntness is more a product of inner critic than anything about you. Have a compassionate, detached chuckle when your 1 says something breathtakingly blunt.

Loving a Type Two:

Constructive criticism must be sandwiched. “You’re awesome + Have you thought about this? + I love you so much.” Gently does it.

Loving a Type Three:

You’re in task mode. Uh, hey, you’re in task mode. *grab by lapels* Fucking stop doing shit and relax! I want to be with you right now. Seriously. Love you.

Loving a Type Four:

After 15 minutes of a full spectrum emotional experience, pat the couch beside you, give your 4 a cuddle and remind them, “I love you exactly as you are.”

Loving a Type Five:

Please, dear god, interrupt your 5 mid word vomit information monologue and ask them if they would like a hug. If they say yes, make that hug authentic, tight, and long. Whisper, “You’re already good enough.”

Loving a Type Six:

If they bombard you with affectionate communication, know it’s more about believing they might be abandoned, than anything to with your trustworthiness. Have clear boundaries, but also affirm your love. A lot.

Loving a Type Seven:

I’m here for you no matter what you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, life is still wonderful. Love you.

Loving a Type Eight:

Stand toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose and remind them that while they are strong as hell, they can be vulnerable now. “You are safe with me. Let out your heart.”

Loving a Type Nine:

Ask them how they feel / what they think and then come back in an hour for the answer. “Because I love you, I want you to have time, but I also really want to know YOU.”

Enjoy your day! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

Enneagram Resource Roundup: Books

Posted on November 4, 2019November 4, 2019 by melissakircher

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” ― Anais Nin

I am the typical Type Five with my head always buried in a book. My love for reading extends to literally all the things, I love a good romance novel as much as a tome on quantum mechanics! Many people ask me about good Enneagram resources where they can dig in and learn all the nuts and bolts of this ancient wisdom, psycho-spiritual tool. And my Five self has books to share! I hope you find this list helpful, though it is not exhaustive, much to my chagrin. There are many Enneagram books still on my TBR List!

Primers

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

This is my go-to Enneagram primer and one of the first books I always recommend to anyone starting out with Ennealiterature. It’s written in textbook format which makes the book easy to navigate and skip around, perfect for someone who isn’t sure of their Type yet. Thick and exhaustive, this book is worth the investment, you’ll use it and refer back to it forever.

The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr & Andreas Ebert

Rohr’s take on an Enneagram primer is serious and thorough, giving readers what feels like every spec of information possible. This book is a take on the Enneagram through a Christian lens, substituting the word sin instead of passion for each Type as one example. I liked this book, but it did feel a bit more somber than others I have read.

The Modern Enneagram by Kacie Berghoef & Melanie Bell

A quick and easy primer, this book is a fast rundown on all the Enneagram topics you could dream up. Not only do they go over history, type, wings, subtypes, and arrows, the authors discuss Types in relationships and at work. They provide stories as learning tools through which the reader can see different Type interact with a fictional situation. The back of the book has tips for each Type and questions to consider for healthy daily living.

Millenneagram by Hannah Paasch

Millenneagram is an Enneagram primer written by a Millennial and especially for Millennials, though it can be enjoyed by any age group. The author has an irreverent, witty, unique take on describing the nine EnneaTypes. The book will make you laugh and cry, though it does contain a good amount of swearing. LGBTQ+ and Exevangelical friendly, there is a definite edge to this tome, but I think it’s well worth the read no matter who you are.

Self to Lose Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil

This is another book about the Enneagram from a Christian perspective, though I found it to be light and easier to get from start to finish than Rohr’s book. This has a great take on the Authentic Self and lovely healing prayers at the back that could be adapted as mantras for people of other faith’s or spiritual traditions.

Relationships

The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile

A true gem of a book, this resource is all about relationships. Suzanne takes readers through how the nine Types interact and possibly react to each other with wisdom, good humor, and deep insight. This is a must read for anyone seeking to use the Enneagram as a tool to better understand and love the people in their lives.

The Enneagram in Love & Work by Helen Palmer

This book is exactly as described, an investigative peek into how different types would predictably behave in intimate relationships and in the workplace. Palmer is one of the Enneagram greats, and this book is a must read for its detailed, helpful, and informational take on the drives and motivations of the Types in relationships and at work. She takes the reader deep into the psyche with wonderful and realistic insights that have practical, real-life applications.

Are You My Type, Am I Yours? by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

This book is full of cartoon illustrations, a good resource for more visual learners. The authors have an interesting take on the Types in relationships, pointing out what each might think or say about the others. A lighthearted read that has a couple moments of depth.

Deep Dives

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

If ever you wanted a peek beneath your own skin, down into the abyss of your psyche and soul, this is the book for you! Riso & Hudson provided nine detailed levels of each type, with Level One being the healthiest version of the number and Level Nine being the darkest, most disintegrated space. This book is for people wanting to do serious Enneagram work on self-discovery and awareness.

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut, PhD

This is one of my favorite Enneagram resources with Chestnut diving into Subtypes, the three survival modes, if you will, for each Type. The book is divided into sections that describe the three subtypes for each number. I’ve found it an invaluable tool for being able to distinguish the differences in motivation and behavior within Type. A bunch of Type Two’s can all seem so different, and yet be the same number. This book explains why.

Niche Topics

The Art of Typing: Powerful Tools for Enneagram Typing by Ginger Lapid-Bogda, PhD

If you are at all uncertain of your Type, or trying to help a friend, family-member, or client figure out their number, this is an amazing resource! The author goes through every combination of Type and asks insightful questions—then provides the answer each Type might say. She really helps readers dig into motivations and drives behind Type, rather than simply typing by behavior alone. Highly recommend.

The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth by Christopher L. Heuertz

This book is a lyrical and beautifully written take on the Enneagram with a special emphasis on the pathways illuminated by Type back to the True Self and God. Heuertz provides in-depth contemplative practices for each number. He further explains and identifies why each Type would respond to a practice well and how everyone can experience healing within stillness, silence, and solitude. This book is written from a Christian perspective, but it’s so open and encompassing, people of different faiths could easily adapt it to fit their beliefs.

*Be sure to check out my new store for affordable Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print out and use instantly!*

So & Sx Type Four: Graham Liddell & Maureen Turner

Posted on October 21, 2019October 21, 2019 by melissakircher

Hello, Ennea-peeps! Happy Monday and welcome back to Enneagram Paths to finish out the Type Four Subtype series. Last up is the Social (So) Type Four. We’ll hear from Graham Liddell about what it’s like for him to be a Social Four and then a bonus interview from Maureen Turner, a Sx Four. I’m so glad to have both of you on the blog!

As we’ve been delving into the Type Four Subtypes, Beatrice Chestnut has been the starting guide. Her book The Complete Enneagram is a comprehensive exploration into all 27 Subtypes. About the So Four she says, “[They can] get caught up in and identified with intense emotions to the extent that they can’t take action when it would be good for them to do so. They tend to be generous and do for others, but they do not take responsibility for their own lives… In public, Social Fours repress ‘frowned upon’ emotions like anger or hatred and may appear sweet, friendly, and soft—but in private, they may express the emotions they store up in social situations and become aggressive… A person with this Subtype may be competent, attractive, and intelligent, and yet still tend to focus on and identify strongly with suffering and a sense of deficiency.” (Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)

In all the Four subtypes, there is this push and pull dynamic at play. So interesting! I think it’s important to remind ourselves that our Types and Subtypes are nothing to feel shame about. Even if feeling shame is the Type’s issue! Type forms for all of us, it’s a specific set of survival skills that keep us safe for a long time—until it doesn’t anymore. Then we do the work to unearth all the motivations behind our Type, discovering that we’re just at the beginning of a long journey back home to our True Selves or Essence. The Type is held in love and the work is done lovingly, with self-acceptance.

Thanks, Graham, for being here and sharing with us your experiences as a Social Four.

Graham Liddell is a PhD candidate in Comparative Literature at the University of Michigan. He enjoys hiking, politics, folk music, indie films, and studying languages.

Twitter: @grahamliddell

1. What does it mean to you to be a Social Type Four?

I’ve always understood the concept of subtype as not necessarily indicating which instinct (Social, Sexual, Self-Preservation) is most dominant, but rather, it shows which instinct one has the most hang-ups. Case in point: as a Social Four, it’s very important for me to feel I belong in the groups I take part in, but that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily good at participating in groups in general. I think it’s a misconception that social types are typically the life of the party. I personally abhor parties, that is, unless they are relatively small and attended by close friends—or on a rare occasion, if I’m feeling extra-outgoing. Mostly, when I’m at a party, I find myself sitting in a corner grinding my teeth because I feel I should be socializing, and frustrated with myself for not being more charismatic in these situations. It’s not that I’m bad with strangers, but I do much better one-on-one and in small groups.

I understand being a Social Four in relation to my experience being bullied and excluded as a kid. I had a ton of one-on-one friendships, but in groups, my friends would often turn on me and put me down as a means for them to climb the social ladder. I struggled socially for most of elementary school and a bit of middle school. Throughout the years I was bullied, I kept these experiences almost entirely to myself. My parents didn’t know about it until I was in college. At the time, I thought it was my fault I was being bullied, and telling my parents would have been proof that the kinds of insults I was hearing from peers were true, i.e., that I was too sensitive, weak, a crybaby. In high school, I kind of came into my own, embracing my tendency towards melancholy by playing music and writing. I indulged in a bit of a (tame) rebellious phase, connecting with a few other semi-misfits who embraced me as one of their own.

2. How does the Social Instinct as a Four shade your need for belonging and membership within a larger group and community? Why does acquiring perceived belonging make you feel safe?

To me, being a Social four means being hyper-focused on the fairness of group situations (on a small scale, but also on a macro, political level). If I become convinced that whatever group I’m a part of is not operating fairly, I want to quit the group and critique it with cutting specificity. This isn’t necessarily the best way to go, and in healthier periods, I have taken part in efforts to reform groups from within. Accepting incremental change in a group I’m a part of is difficult for me since I feel that black marks on the group’s record reflect poorly on me. Of course, I’ve learned over the years that quitting with a sense of moral superiority not only leaves me lonely and isolated, but it’s also rather arrogant.

Why does perceived belonging make me feel safe? That’s a tough one. I suppose I enjoy feeling reassured regularly that I am okay, that I am not fundamentally lacking some basic trait or skill that makes me incapable of happiness and love. In undergrad, I lived with a group of best friends and trusted acquaintances for three years in a big, run-down house with an enclosed porch and a garden. These were the years in which I felt I belonged more than ever before. Since graduating six years ago, I have regularly struggled with the fact that I’m unlikely to belong to that particular type of community ever again. It was a specific, hippy-ish time in life. People move on and invest most of their energy into their romantic relationships and careers.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Social Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Social Four?

I have to be cautious not to spend too much time idealizing those college times (as I do in times of stress). I’ve been doing my best to attempt to cultivate new relationships and strengthen ties to the different communities I belong to now, even if they seem lackluster compared to “the good old days.” In times of health, as I mentioned before, I can appreciate the benefits afforded me by my various communities, and the good things accomplished by the groups themselves. The critical side of me can help me identify areas of potential improvement that open up opportunities for me to lead. In times of stress, I may simply complain about these issues or want to disassociate myself from them. But in times of integration, I can grasp the nuance of group situations—the details of all the positives and negatives—and appreciate the positives, to feel the impact of the negatives, to understand that nothing’s perfect, but push ahead with gentle attempts at reform, anyway. This is the equanimity that is the “bright side” of Type Four’s comfort with melancholy, according to Beatrice Chestnut. On a final note, getting into healthy daily routines—things that remain constant even as my social life fluctuates—has proven very helpful in keeping me on the integration side of things.

* * Bonus Sexual/One-On-One Four Interview! * *

Hi, my name is Maureen Ashley Turner, I am a balanced Type Four, Tritype 4-8-6, Sx, followed by Sp. I am the first generation of Mexican American for my family. I graduated college with a double major Biology, and Psychology. I consider myself an artist of all mediums. I consider myself an intensely passionate person. I am very Ride-or-Die, All-or-Nothing. I love being out in nature, going on hikes with my dog, gardening, kayaking, exercising, and going to the gym. I enjoy traveling and taking the scenic route. I love dressing up and fashion. I especially love Halloween.

Instagram: @MaureenAshleyTurner

Twitter: @MAshleyTurner

1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Four?

This Subtype can be mistyped with a Type Eight (another passionate and emotionally intense number) and appear more emotionally passionate, aggressive and extreme compared to the other Subtypes. I have been confused for an Eight several times by other numbers, but never by other Fours. I often hear that I am too much (something that passionate Fous’s and Eight’s are really used to hearing). I constantly want emotional intensity, in everything: life, romance, adventure, work, driving. It doesn’t matter. If there lacks intensity, life can feel very mundane and suffocatingly boring.

This Subtype is more direct, and it appears to have an absence of shame. When I try to think about my shame, it can be hard for me to address, especially when I am healthy, because I see myself more as “Competitive.” However, shame is much easier for me to see when I am upset. We see Sexual Fours as the “angry” Four. When someone close to me hurts me deeply, or when I face a situation where I feel that I can’t be heard or seen, this is when I recognize my shame. I now realize that I unconsciously turn my pain into anger, so I don’t have to feel my pain anymore. I tend to suffer by comparison.

When I was younger, my envy looked and appeared as straight-up ENVY. In High School, I was a very jealous type of person. I was envious of other people, their bodies, their sheer talent, their ability to be open, raw and themselves with others, how they dressed, how easy it was for them to make friends since I often felt outcast-ed. I wanted to be recognized by my peers, and in a way, I wanted to be the best and better than everyone else (I had a very stronggggg Three Wing then).

However, now that I am older, I’m not as envious of others’ appearances, personalities, or circles of friends. I also don’t really care about approval from other people (except for my parents’ and a few close friends). Now, I am envious when someone possesses a skill I wish I had. I attach myself to skills now and want to know how I can mirror that in myself (because I still find myself defective in some areas).

2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Four shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy? Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe?

Fours believe that love is by far the most important thing in their lives. I know that most Type Fours feel that they have a detachment from one or more parents, however, that wasn’t the case for me. My parents (both Type Ones) gave me an EXTREME illusion of what love looked like. They built my childhood to be perfect—fantasy-like. They never fought with each other, at least never to my knowledge, or in front of me. They always went above and beyond to show how much they cared and how much they loved me. They always fed into how special and unique they believed me to be and that I was just different from other people. They are VERY ride-or die, all-or-nothing type of parents.

So my upbringing is very much apparent in my Sexual Subtype. Their love gave me the belief that I once had perfect unconditional love, but also influenced me to believe that I won’t experience love until it is that category of passionate, and emotional intensity. That this was the happiest I have felt. I love my parents more than anything. They are my Garden of Eden. When I left home for college I soon discovered or at least felt defective and rejected, because others didn’t reflect that same type of love and emotional intensity my parents had given me.

With my friends, it is very easy for me to be emotionally vulnerable and open. I openly love them passionately and intensely. I feel seen by my parents and my friends and it allows me to feel safe and therefore, open, emotionally vulnerable, and creative. In romantic relationships I have found when I am in an unhealthy place, I am very attracted to the things I can’t have. And by that, I don’t mean other people in relationships, but people I KNOW can’t love me back (aren’t attracted to me, aren’t emotionally available, live far away, etc). I blame some of that on my culture. In Mexican culture, love is portrayed by a dance if you will, a tango. A push and pull. I love you while you are absent, but up close I notice you have a lot of faults. But as soon as you go, I idealize you and get in touch with the deep feelings I have for you. Please come back and torture me again. And this plays on loop.

It’s that craving for emotional intensity and wanting some sort of “drama” to make life less mundane. I realize it is actually due to my fear of truly being “seen” by a romantic partner, but also something I crave most.

3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Four? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Four?

Stress for me as a Sexual Four is moving towards a Type Two. It looks like me getting mad when others don’t meet my needs, being clingy to those I am fond of, drowning others with my emotional intensity, lashing out when rejected, and having many unwarranted, not communicated expectations of others that lead to anger/frustration when not met. I am very self-absorbed and only concerned with my needs.

Growth for me, when I move towards Type One, looks like balancing my emotions and being less emotionally chaotic and intense. I can be profoundly creative without concern of acceptance or envy. I feel like I can truly just “be” and am not concerned with my image. I am more emotionally open, vulnerable, gentle with others, and calm. I feel free and not weighed down. I don’t attach my identity to certain emotions, I allow myself to feel all of them. I also feel that I am more available and empathetic with others, without turning it into self-absorption.

Thank you both so very much!

It’s been amazing to have all you Fours on the blog, we’re so lucky that you’ve chosen to talk about life and relationships and the nitty-gritty of being the three Subtypes of the wonderful, authentic, nuanced Type Four! —Melissa

The View from a Two: Rev Marcy Bain

Posted on October 8, 2018October 5, 2018 by melissakircher

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“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

―Shannon L. Alder

Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I have had a week! In our corner of the world, it has been raining and raining so torrentially that my house has flooded twice. Oh, and our contractor quit after yelling at me so much he made me cry (what a freaking GEM!), and a pipe leaked, and my first floor has no walls or carpet or anything. This self-preservation Five has had to let go in a major way and deep breathe into realizing people matter and not things. I’ve learned me some stuff this week, ya’ll!

And in the spirit of education, today we’re learning from an interesting, wise, and very self-actualized Type Two, the Rev Marcy Bain! Welcome, Marcy and thank you so much for being part of the Enneagram Paths interview series, where we discover the intricacy of Type by hearing from each other.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

This is a gift and a challenge. Among my partner & my immediate family, I have a reputation of being the best gift giver around the holidays. I will remember something that someone said that they wanted in February, and it will show up under their Christmas tree in December. My partner would say that being with me is a little bit like living in a romantic comedy. I can be extremely present to people and dialed into other people’s wants and needs. It’s a profound source of joy for me when I can successfully meet someone’s needs, and that comes from such a genuine place in me. I love grand gestures. I love small things that communicate caring. Whether I’ve given my partner a $5 flower bundle from Trader Joe’s or I’m surprising her with a grand romantic weekend where I’ve painstakingly laid out an itinerary of 72 hours of bliss—I love all of it. I love seeing her light up. I love it when the people in my life feel loved and cared for by me.

The other gift is that I’m something of a human bullshit detector. When someone says they’re fine—I know when they’re lying to me. When someone is engaging in social engineering or manipulating or otherwise presenting a different self externally then what is happening under the surface for them, I’m also going to pick up on that quickly.

On the challenging side, it’s emotionally exhausting for me to be around people who present a different face externally than what is really going on for them internally. I really struggle with that. When I see a dissonance between someone’s “external” and “internal” states, sometimes I will take the initiative to try to help, fix, or love someone when they haven’t invited me to do so. And hanging back and waiting for the invitation to speak into someone’s life can be a struggle for me sometimes.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I’ve gotten so much better at setting boundaries and taking time for my own self-care. I don’t really burn my candle at both ends anymore, I sleep and eat well, and I say “no” to all kinds of things now both personally and professionally.

Initially, Type Two’s are not rewarded for setting these kinds of boundaries. Our friends and families know us as yes people. So, we are often over utilized. We get ourselves into patterns with people where our relationships are one-sided. We give our time/money/emotional labor, and those things are not reciprocated to us. It used to be that I was at my wit’s end before I’d say no. And if people pressed me beyond my natural limits by encouraging me to do something when I’d already said no, I would see that as an unforgivable boundary violation. I would be so angered by that boundary violation that it would automatically end relationships. By that time I got to that point, there were several other things I should have said no to along the way.

The Catch 22 is that as a Type Two, I fully endorsed, consented, and allowed this relational pattern to develop. As Twos, we have to own and take responsibility for changing it. It’s brave work when you start saying no—because a lot of people are going to exit relationships or distance themselves from you when the one-sided giving goes away. You talk to any Two, and a big part of their personal growth will involve sustaining relationship loss as they tighten up their boundaries. For a long time, my thinking was that I will give generously and from my depths to everyone that crosses my path. I will give people more than they ask or expect of me. And subconsciously I was banking favors with them. When I’m healthy—I truly do love giving to others. But my thinking was that when I’m really in need, or I’m in a bad place, and I need support or care, I’m now going to be able to turn to all these different people, and they’re going to give just as much of themselves to me as I gave to them.

And what I’ve had to learn over time is that this isn’t true. If there isn’t a natural give and take pattern established from day one of a relationship onward, that pattern isn’t magically going to appear when you’re in a lot of pain or when you need support from others.

It was helpful to me to identify that the specific place in my life where I have time/energy/emotional labor to offer unconditionally is in my professional role as a Rev. That is the place that I elect to give to others and caretake for others. When I revert to an interpersonal relationship—my preference is a more even-keel give & take relationship. And because of that, I’m much more disciplined and discerning now about where and in what roles I give my energies to people, how much I give to people, and I make that output proportional to the dynamic that exists in my personal relationships.

3. Talk to us about being a Two in the military? You mentioned you are often read as a Type Eight? Why do you think this is?

Working for the military has taught me to function in a Type Eight mode as a skill set rather than as a move to stress. My day job is to monitor financial compliance issues with corporations and to enforce penalties when they are not compliant. So basically, all day every day if I’m calling your company, you have gone astray. I handle minor violation to things that may have risen to the level of fraud, and I get all manner of resistance and bullshit nonsense or excuses from corporations as I interact in my job. My day job is to engage in conflict. And the end result is that I had to learn to function as a Type Eight initially for survival, but later it became a primary mode of who I am. I really value being able to be assertive, and direct, and forthright with people and companies.

Some people enjoy conflict. Some people stir up conflict on purpose. I am not that person. I don’t thrive on conflict, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. But I definitely am not afraid of it. In my interpersonal relationships, I also have seen the benefit of working through conflict and coming to an understanding with people. That is so positive and so powerful for growth. Some of my best and most creative relationships are ones that have overcome an initial conflict. The people that pose the most challenges to us also have the potential to be great friends and the people who spur us on in our deepest growth. But both people have to have that mindset. And both people have to want to come to the table in humility and learn from each other for that to be true.

As a leader, I welcome and invite people to directly name conflict with me. I want to know what stumbling blocks exist for me as a leader, and I want to have an honest conversation about what’s going well or where I might have growing edges to overcome. Again, if two people genuinely care about each other and are committed to each other’s flourishing, the growth that sits on the other side of conflict is so powerful.

4. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two?

I have a Three Wing. And at its best, the interplay between the Type Two and Three Wing makes me extremely passionate in the pursuit of my own goals, and also deeply compassionate to others along the way. In other words, I don’t want to succeed at someone else’s expense. I want all boats around me to rise. That’s a personal core value. I want to succeed in a manner that I bring a lot of others along with me. I want everyone who crosses my path to have gained something positive from their time with me—whether they’re in my life for only a season or whether they go the distance of a lifetime. I want to have drawn out their deepest gifts and harnessed and released them to their full potential.

5. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

Yes, I absolutely did learn this in my formative years. Chronic health issues existed in my immediate family, and a few individuals in my extended family had dealt with substance abuse issues. And my role in my immediate and extended family was always to be the one who had it together so as not to add additional stress on the system. And my second role was to be a caretaker to others. I was praised for not having too many needs. At my healthiest, I do love giving to others. I am a deep well. And it’s incredibly rewarding for me when I can offer something that empowers or inspires someone else to be the best version of themselves.

But the truth is that the older I get, the more I prefer to relegate my giving activities to my professional role as a Rev. And when I move into interpersonal relationships, I expect a more reciprocal or mutual relationship of give & take.

6. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

To be truly known by others. I process most events in my life verbally. So, people who become present to me, and engage in active listening. Mutual vulnerability and shared risk in the relationship. I like to joke that I’m an hour-long coffee chat in a world geared toward 240 characters of Twitter. And I say that as a joke, but I’m really not joking. There are so many complex parts and pieces to me. I can’t be known in a series of tweets, and actually, no one can. Social media is a powerful tool that can bring people together. You can meet like-minded souls. You can network. You can make real friends on social media. But virtual realities are not the same things as reality. We don’t live inside our computers or our Facebook pages.

The disruptive grace and the gift that I bring into any space is that as a bisexual spiritually progressive Rev from an Evangelical faith background who fell in love with a disabled unitarian female partner—and as a woman who works for the military during the day but advocates for peace and non-violence in the evening—I have a lot going on. I have many pieces of self to integrate and bring together. I have an incredible ability to be a cultural translator across any number of divides. In a world that strives to reduce things to their simplest parts or present one-dimensional realities, which social media often does, it’s hard for me to function sometimes. I feel like a disembodied self. Or like I’m being asked to split into selves to fit this niche or that group. So, I do the opposite, trying to draw out the complexity in people. My preference is for long-form exchanges and conversations. I always say that I can break bread and find something amazing about anyone. My interest is to move toward deep knowledge of people.

7. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Experiencing the world through emotion means that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my various relationships with people and the state of those relationships. I’m not someone who compartmentalizes well. If I have a conflict with someone or a trouble spot in the relationship—I will struggle with runaway thoughts about the conflict that are hard for me to reign in and can’t move about my day.

I’ve had to learn coping skills that allow me to prioritize my emotional energy/labor. For example, a conflict with a relative I see once every ten years needs to be assigned a different level of priority in my life than a conflict with an immediate family member or my partner or others who are part of my day-to-day life. And it took a few years of therapy for me to recognize that. Everybody shouldn’t be assigned equal priority. In a Type Two’s bid to love everyone, we can lose sight of this. Everyone isn’t my family. Everybody doesn’t deserve the same amount of my time/energy/attention as my partner. Everybody isn’t my best friend of thirty-plus years. And this lesson has been hard to take hold.

Regarding my body—I feel extremely connected to my body when I am in states of pleasure. I would say that I don’t notice my body all that much in the humdrum normal moments of life, and as a coping mechanism, I actively disconnect from my body and bodily sensations when I’m in extreme stress. So, other people are more likely to see the physical manifestations of stress in me before I am able to see it in myself.

8. What do the words true-self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self. Getting to know my true self is a lifelong quest. For me personally, the true self isn’t a fixed point. I am the me that I am today at age forty, and she is different than the me I was at ten, twenty, and thirty—but all of those versions of self have had a hand in shaping this version of self. True self is an ongoing project and an evolutionary state. I find the quest of making space for a self to learn and grow and change a deeply rewarding quest. I hope to spend my whole life living into all of my questions and inviting others to join me on the journey. My main mediums for exploring the self are: art & creative disciplines, spirituality, and psychology.

Rage. Rage is a tricky one. I am often not in touch with my own sense of anger. And I usually have to be in a state something close to rage for me to recognize that I’m angry at all. So, the way this can sometimes manifest itself in a relationship is that something that’s bothering me will stew for a very long time, and if I make bids for this conflict to be addressed—and other people blow me off or diminish the seriousness of my request—I’ll try to push it back down instead of advocating for myself. Eventually, if I can’t deny it or push something down anymore, I’ll erupt. My partner has quickly learned that I don’t get angry often, but when I do get genuinely angry, I stay in that state for a long time. I’m slow to be moved to the point of anger but also slow to return to a steady state and calm back down as well.

Voice. For me, voice is another exciting aspect of self that changes over time. And my goal in all settings is to offer people my authentic voice. My mediums for communicating my voice are: art, spirituality, and public and performance-oriented settings. For me, there is a decisively public aspect to voice. It’s not enough for me to just know my own voice, there’s an impulse in me to share my voice as a gift to and for others. And one of the things I find most rewarding is if my voice can encourage, inspire, or empower someone else to develop and share their own voice too.

Marcy Professional Picture Rev Marcy Bain is an ordained Presbyterian Minister, a Govt civil servant, and owner/founder of Holy Shift LLC a consulting business that serves faith organizations, companies, and individuals. Holy Shift is about harnessing the spiritual and creative potential intrinsically flowing through all of us and living into our fullness in every sphere of our personal, professional, or organizational lives.

Twitter: @Holyshiftdayton & @Birevgal
IG: @HolyShiftDayton
Facebook: @RevMarcyBain

*Photo by Lina Silivanova on Unsplash

Deep Dive With a Five: Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo

Posted on September 24, 2018September 21, 2018 by melissakircher

This (beginning-to-be-fall!) Monday, we have Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo on the Enneagram Paths blog. Welcome, Alexandra, it’s so great to have you and we’re looking forward to hearing about what it’s like to be a Type Five in your life. As a reminder, Riso and Hudson in The Wisdom of the Enneagram define a Type Five as, “[the investigator who] wants to understand how the world works. They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth. They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves.”

As a Type Five, I found myself saying, “Hell yes!!” a lot when reading through this interview. I learned about Alexandra, a person different from me, but who sees the world using my same lens. This is why I love doing interviews, they’re both so uplifting of individual expression, while also unifying under the shared expression of Type, growth, and stress. I hope that Enneagram Paths is a place where you can feel like you’re not alone in the way you think, act, or emote and I hope it helps you become more compassionate about the way others move through the world.

Here we go!

1. Alexandra, Fives see and experience the world by trying to make sense of it with their thoughts. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

Oh god, how does this not show up in my life? Understanding is how I feel comfortable enough to bring forth my full personality—my humor, my effort, my ideas, my generosity, everything. This applies to people, social environments, jobs, machines, you name it. The people who know me well almost unanimously believed I was cold and arrogant at first, and then got closer and knew the real me better. The ones that did not have that first impression of me, saw me as gregarious, extroverted, and opinionated, probably because they were observing me in a setting I was already comfortable in. (Five go to Type Eight in health/integration) Crazy difference.

I frequently compare my personality to that of a cat. I can’t be approached quickly without being startled. It’s best to make your presence known and then just exist around me while I get comfortable on my own. People descriptions of themselves mean almost nothing to me, sad to say. I have to observe them for myself.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart?

My default is to make decisions from my head. Even with the influences from my gut and my heart, my head has the last say. I have to consciously make the decision to give my heart and body a voice. However, that is a practice that still makes me very nervous. Putting my head in the back seat makes me feel prone to behaving like a wild animal. Exciting and honest, but reckless and potentially dangerous. At times, I definitely wish that I was more spontaneous and bold with action and emotion, but those responses only seem to come out after my processing has made its way through the plumbing of my brain.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Seven? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Eight?

I’m sure I frustrate people when I go to Type Seven spaces. I crawl into my Type Five cave but seem indifferent to my stressors. My favorite phrases to use are “I just need some space” or “I just need to re-center”. Then I cheerfully flutter away on my own to some activity that doesn’t require me to think like yoga, cleaning, shopping, etc. It must confusing to watch because right before that, I’m usually DEEP into a rabbit hole of confusion and indecision. I’m sure it’s mostly frustrating because I’m very resistant to help or advice.

Being in a Type Eight space is very different. My loved ones, even strangers, feel more connected to me because I become more outspoken and forward. This especially comes out in group settings with friends or family. My charm comes out confidently and I feel seen and felt. Although sometimes I dip into the low end of Eight and get a little too blunt when I’m feeling determined but nervous about what needs to be said. It’s a balancing act.

My fiancé is an 8w9. He’s the greatest man on the planet and such an inspiration. Our relationship is super helpful to my growth because it requires me to speak up and take action just as often as it requires him to slow down and access his gentleness.

4. How does Avarice/Greed play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself hoarding time, energy, and resources?

Time and energy are my most precious resources. I’ll decline invitations and cancel plans if I feel my day or my week is too filled up because I worry I won’t have the energy or attention span or fullness of myself to be engaging or sharp or effective. I also tend to exaggerate how much time I need to complete tasks or to recuperate post social event. I don’t find that I’m greedy with my physical resources (money/ food/etc.) but perhaps this is because I don’t often put myself in positions where others can see them as available.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Five?

Our slow pace towards action, even reactions, is not due to indifference! If I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it! …eventually. I just need to go about doing it correctly and thoroughly. If I don’t immediately argue back or respond in a discussion, it’s because I need a moment (or many) to consider what I’m being told in order to respond thoughtfully and effectively. The worst thing I could do is give someone a reason to believe I don’t know what I’m talking about! I care so much! Just in a slow, methodical way.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Five?

I have a large, large 4w. Large enough to have confused me considerably when I was trying to figure out my type. I relate to almost everything about the Type Four—the deep emotions, the comfort in melancholic feelings, the self-awareness, etc. The observation that finalized me being a Type Five is that I prefer to keep all of my intensity to myself. Fours, though shy at times, wear their hearts on their sleeves and are very emotionally forward. That’s not naturally me; I need a very familiar, safe space to be able to bring my emotions forward.

My 4w brings positives and negatives. Negatives: I have a stronger tendency to withdraw and wallow when I’m in lower levels of health. The Four energy can really slow me down because not only do I have to sort through my mental process, but I have to understand my emotions. Positives: it’s easy for me to empathize with others. As a teacher, my 4w is heavily utilized in making my younger students feel comfortable. Being in tune with my emotions has helped me understand that emotions are often just ever-changing weather patterns. Not all of them need to be deconstructed and taken too seriously. What a relief.

7. What would the phrases, “You know enough. You can handle this. You are wise,” mean to you if you knew them to be deeply true?

Just reading these phrases makes me nervous and emotional. Moments of really, truly believing I can handle things makes me feel like a superhero. And while the idea of ever knowing enough is wildly foreign to me, believing that to be true would make me question where to put my energy. Into just enjoying things? Into building an empire? Who knows! Perhaps, it would propel me to do everything I could, as well as I could. Knowing I have it all in me would be paradise.

8. As a Type Five do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Conceptually and emotionally, absolutely. However, the application of those practices to the “real world” requires an amount of discipline I still struggle with. I practice yoga fairly regularly. The idea of playing with shapes takes away the pressure of being perfect. The need to breathe through moments of struggle and tension is a good reminder to relax into my problems and trust that I know how to handle myself. Knowing that I will only get better and stronger if I continue to show up is invaluable wisdom.

9. How does emotion show up in your life? Do you value or suppress emotion?

I definitely used to suppress emotion. I still do without realizing it from time to time, but I value it enough to consciously bring myself back to it. Growing up, my mom and many close friends were very emotional. Their decision-making would depend on their mood, which wouldn’t always work out too great for them. So I learned to really discount how I’m feeling when it came to deciding what to do. Then a few years ago, I was in a relationship that really brought out the full force of my heart. I admired his emotional bravery and really learned how to tap into my own emotional intelligence. I learned that the confusion I was often frustrated with was really sadness or anger. I also learned that my relationship was actually highly manipulative and I had been feeling neglected and taken advantage of for a long time without realizing it. Learning how to listen to my own heart helped me take care of myself because, instead of constantly going back to the drawing board to find a thread of logic that would explain or justify the circumstances, I was able to just say “I don’t feel cared for or loved or respected” and finally leave.

Being a Five, though, emotions are not my first language. So rather than being in my emotions, I like to say that I have a relationship with them. I want them to feel heard and cared for and loved because they keep me feeling nurtured and cared for. It’s quite a team.

10. Talk about what the words Voice and Relationship mean to you today.

Voice makes me think that I should be louder about my thoughts. That maybe my perspectives could be helpful or insightful. The only thing that stops me is the idea that people will find them ridiculous or find that one flaw that will destroy it, making me look like an idiot. Working on that.

Relationship immediately makes me think of the word “generosity”. My close relationships with family, friends, coworkers, my fiancé all require my time, attention, and energy. I have to give myself to them in order to cultivate those connections and help them grow. And I do so happily because as dramatically introverted as I am, my relationships are my most precious jewels. They love and accept the way that I am while encouraging me to grow and play and build. Every Five needs relationships. They’re softening and strengthening, relaxing and energizing all at once.

Hi, I’m Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo! I’m 26 and I work as a private vocal/piano coach, as well as a singer in a duo with my fiancé (8w9). I spend an embarrassing amount of time binge-watching dark dramas or bad reality shows. I fantasize about going back to school for a masters degree but the idea of being told what to study and how to study it stops me dead in my tracks every time. I’m just as into astrology as I am the Enneagram. I’m a collector of books, dog and cat mom, food lover, and I’m learning how to bead jewelry. Surprise! I’m a Ravenclaw.

IG: @iamalexandraaa

Twitter: @aarroyoacevedo

*Header Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash

Some Time with a Nine: Marc Frigon

Posted on September 17, 2018September 20, 2018 by melissakircher

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“When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed.” ― Fred Rogers

Happy Monday! Welcome to Marc Frigon, an Enneagram Type Nine and one of my former college classmates from way back when. (And yet somehow we’re both still technically millennials!) Thank you for being here, Marc, and sharing a bit about your experiences as a Nine.

1. When and how did you discover you are a Type Nine?

I learned I was a Nine while reading The Road Back to You, by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. The first I had ever heard about the Enneagram was when I discovered “The Liturgists Podcast,” and they kept mentioning these cryptic numbers that represented certain essential aspects about themselves. I had no idea what they signified at the time, but I was intrigued. Immediately, I started reading everything Google could tell me about the Enneagram, and shortly thereafter I had The Road Back to You in hand!

It was difficult to type myself at first since I kept seeing myself in lots of the different numbers, but when I got to the chapter on Nines, so much of what they described pages was ringing true. The kicker was a line on page 69: “…Nines tend to see the world from the viewpoint of every number but their own.” I immediately stopped, put the book down, and laughed out loud at the sheer truth of that statement. At that point, it was like I’d found a key that perfectly matched a locked door in my mind, and when that door opened, everything started to make sense. Needless to say, The Road Back to You has a permanent place on the bookshelf in my cubicle at work, and I still go back and periodically re-read that chapter.

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number?

My favorite aspect of being a Nine is that I relate to others’ viewpoints so easily. It has enabled me to be a peacemaker in a lot of ways—to find common ground in situations that would be perplexing if I weren’t able to empathize with another person’s motivations and opinions. This, of course, leads directly into one of the two things that I dislike most about being a Nine: the fact that it’s a long, difficult, and confusing process for me to suss out what my own opinions and beliefs are. Because I so easily merge with others out of a desire for empathy and agreement, the discovery of my type threw me headlong into a process of looking back through my life and reexamining every opinion, belief, and philosophy I’ve ever held through the lens of peacemaking. I finally had to be honest with myself—and that was not easy to do. At least, not at first. Now, I am deeply thankful for that journey, as I feel like I finally have a sense of who I am, what I believe, and what motivates me—quite literally for the first time in my life.

The second thing I dislike about being a Nine is that I’m an insufferable procrastinator. I’m reasonably sure that this stems from the fact that I’m also a perfectionist. I know when there is something I need to work on, it will take me a long time. Even the thought of starting a task tires me out, so I’ll just keep putting it off forever. I’m also easily distracted. When I’m working on a task that requires a lot of brainpower, concentration, and time to complete, the temptation to check the Washington Post or Facebook news feed can be almost too much to resist. And if there’s any doubt about the power of my procrastination, it took me almost nine weeks to even begin answering these interview questions!

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three?

I have a hard time making decisions, but when I’m stressed, I basically become paralyzed. At the same time, I become much more critical of others, and any tendencies toward passive-aggression are much more pronounced. I get more introverted and go hard into my “inner sanctum.” This translates into radio silence with friends, and an irritable attitude at home. Naturally, this creates strain in my closest relationships. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m heading towards my negative Six tendencies, and proactively schedule some alone time (usually in the woods) to satisfy my need for introversion, gather my thoughts, and regain some balance.

When things are in balance, though, my relationships benefit. I’ve struggled with self-confidence for much of my life, but when I move towards the healthy side of Three, I find that I actually have it in abundance. Confidence is the natural result of when I know for sure I’m in sync with my own identity—when I’ve taken the uncomfortable step of being honest with myself and others about what I’m feeling and what my own needs are. I honestly don’t think I’ve felt quite so assured of my own opinions about anything until I started doing Enneagram work. After a lifetime of merging with others’ identities and not having any kind of certainty about my own identity, going to a healthy Three is freeing. Liberating. It’s enabled me to make hard decisions and stick to them because I knew they are “right action” (to use a bit of Enneagram Nine terminology) and in keeping with the truest part of myself. In my closest relationships with my wife and children, I’m less unsure of myself and irritable, and I can support them when they need to make difficult decisions or undertake challenging tasks.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

The struggle against narcotizing is real! It’s probably my biggest pitfalls as a Nine. My tendencies to procrastinate and to be easily distracted are like twin sirens luring me into a seductive trance of forgetting to experience life. There have been many days where I’ve not felt much of anything. Rather than being mindful and living in the moment, I whittle the day away with distractions and fantasies, then wonder why I’ve done nothing—but still feel out of energy!

5. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

I’m a 9w1, so my One wing certainly explains my perfectionism and my strong tendency to see things in terms of “right and wrong.” Although I do embody the stereotypically Nine characteristic of wanting to preserve inner and outer harmony at any cost, I credit my One wing with giving me the conviction that I need speak up when something feels so horrifically wrong that I have no other choice. When I’ve felt enough conviction to speak out to friends, family, and coworkers in defense of things that I feel passionate about (such as gender equality and taking a stand for LGBTQI+ rights and inclusion), I’ve been amazed at how it has opened the door to some truly productive, bridge-building conversations. For me, the key is making sure I’m in a healthy enough place psychologically that I feel worthy of taking a stand.

6. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be true?

It would be tremendously empowering. I’m still not quite there yet, but this phrase would make the perfect mantra for me to use in my goal of becoming an integrated Type Nine. Deep down, I know I can handle being fully myself, fully present, fully alive in the moment, but there is still a deeply-ingrained fear of what that means. What if being fully myself costs me friendships with people I have falsely emulated? What if being fully myself requires me to take a stand that threatens my membership in social groups? These are difficult questions, but I know that if that phrase is true, it means that I can handle it. It’s better to be integrated and alive in the moment than to put up a false identity to preserve relationships and social standing. Whatever the cost, the reward of a life honestly lived is worth it, and will lead to deeper and more genuine relationships than would otherwise have been possible.

7. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

This is an interesting question for me to consider at this particular point in my life. As I’ve deconstructed my own outlook on God, spirituality, and matters of faith, I’ve found my most meaningful spiritual experiences have come subtly and unbidden—and they usually involve being out in nature or seeing the Divine in other people. My current spiritual practice has been to let go of the need for theological beliefs and simply live in the moment. The closest I can come to distilling my current “God-concept” into words would be to say that God is Love—in its purest, most powerful, most inclusive, most essential form—as revealed perfectly by Christ (but sadly understood imperfectly by humans), and that She is everywhere and in everyone, if only we have the eyes to see. But even in this description, I feel there is a wideness and a mystery to God that defies the ability of the human mind to comprehend. So I long to accept that the Divine is a mystery, and that to experience life is to experience the Divine and to rest in that.

It occurs to me that as a Nine, it’s probably more natural for me than for other Enneagram types to experience God by stepping fully into that mystical sense of union with the Divine. There is one particular poem that has stuck with me for years, and I would say this, more than anything else, captures the essence of my spiritual practice:

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

-“The Peace of Wild Things,” by Wendell Berry

8. Talk about what the words Anger and Goals mean to you today.

Anger: Anger is a tough one. It’s something I’ve had to wrestle with since learning about the Nine’s place in the “Anger Triad.” As a Nine, I’m very good at stuffing anger and keeping the peace by suppressing my own feelings. But as a parent of young children who seem uniquely designed to test the limits of my own anger suppression system, I’ve been alarmed by how my anger seems to be right there, simmering just below the surface. With remarkable speed, I can transition from being a calm, compassionate parent, to an impatient, shouting mess. It’s been so helpful to recognize the things that contribute to those angry outbursts so I can try to prepare for them.

Goals: These interview questions keep pointing me toward the fact that Enneagram work is really a goal-setting process. Knowing that I’m a Nine is one thing, but putting that knowledge into action by transforming the way I approach myself and others has definitely required me to set—and attain—many goals. One goal has been to practice having opinions. My wife will tell you that I’m that guy who responds immediately with “Well, what are you craving?” when asked what I’d like to order for take-out. To be honest, I’m still that guy, so in this particular area, I’ve got room to grow. (It’s not lost on me that this exact example is what Ian Cron used to describe Nine-ness in The Road Back to You.) In other areas, I have made more progress. One huge goal I set for myself was to take the time to respond to these interview questions, and I have to say that it’s incredibly gratifying to have seen it through! These questions have helped me to examine my own identity as a Nine in a much deeper sense, and to achieve the goal of being more vulnerable to myself and to others. (From Melissa: “Wahoo!”)

A native of the Boston area, Marc is a proud New Englander and enjoys spending time with his wife and kids, exploring the outdoors, and reading all the things. He has been a geek for his entire life, and given the opportunity, will gladly talk at length about pretty much anything. His favorite color is the kind of blue that the sky turns on the first perfectly crisp, clear, flannel shirt-worthy day of mid-fall.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/marc.frigon

*Photos by Ian Drummond of Drum Drum Photo https://www.drummondphoto.com/ & Nathaniel Tetteh on Unsplash

The View From a Two: Brittany Straub

Posted on September 10, 2018September 6, 2018 by melissakircher

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“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

Today on Enneagram Paths we have Brittany Straub, an awesomely inked lady (check out the picture of her sleeve below) who also happens to be an Enneagram Type 2w3. Just as a reminder, Don Riso and Russ Hudson — Enneagram gurus — roughly define Type Twos as people who, “are either the most genuinely helpful to others or, when less healthy, the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful… The love and concern they feel — and the genuine good they do — warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile.” Twos are generally concerned with emotions, relationships, and finding love/deep connection.

Welcome, Brittany, we’re so excited to hear from you! Thank you for such insightful responses, I know I learned a good deal about you and being a Two from all you’ve shared.

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

Sometimes it feels like I can look at someone and they are begging for help through their smiles. I like to think that when I notice it, it is real, but it isn’t always. There are times that I have been completely off in regards to what that person needed or wanted. In those times I find myself still looking for clues because there’s no way they wouldn’t need me.

Before I was aware that I was a Type Two, and what that meant, I thought I really had my stuff together, and people really trusted me. However, on the flip side, I now realize that most of the time I was pushing myself on people; even some who truly did not want or need anything. And what makes it worse, I wasn’t actually helping to benefit them. It was all for self-gratification so I could say they needed me. I love black sheep — I am one —and I love making another black sheep feel like they belong even more.

Fast forward to today… I still feel like I can “read” people, especially those struggling with something, but instead of prying until I’m allowed to intervene, I listen. I’ve found that just genuinely caring about someone will help us both.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made you feel happy and fulfilled?

This question comes at a very peculiar time for me. I’m recently divorced and have a ten-year-old son that I’m essentially raising on my own. I have NEVER been this kind of exhausted before. Lately, I find myself searching for just a second of silence so that I can do absolutely nothing. I feel like if I were to take any extra time for just myself, then some aspect of my life would unravel. I can’t even go shopping for myself without putting everything for me back and replacing it with something for someone else. I latch onto the sense that I’m not the center of attention and someone else (my son especially) deserves that attention that I almost thought about giving myself.

Being a single parent adds a lot of different layers to this. There will be judgment from family members or people surrounding me that feels like I’m pushing my child aside if I take even one night to go out with friends. This cycle has been very harmful. I’ve stated this is a peculiar time because recently I’ve noticed that I feel like I’m drowning. I actually do need time to myself, for myself! And more importantly for my son. I think I’ll still struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve that free time, but I’m starting to recognize that it’s absolutely necessary for me to stay mentally healthy.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

Absolutely everything that I do is centered around how I feel. My attitude is determined by the kind of love I feel I’ve received from the people most important to me that day. I’m a very emotional, passionate person, and I cannot hide how I feel, whether it be overly happy or the inevitable resting bitch face. (Can I say that? Melissa: yes you can!)

When my relationship is struggling, I struggle. But it’s not just struggling in one aspect of my life, it overflows into everything and will consume me until I can fix it. Usually, waiting is out of the question when there is a problem. I need to know I am loved, and everything will be okay almost immediately after an issue has been exposed and resolved.

I’m aware of my thoughts, and I’m always thinking. When I do feel my body, it’s when I’m at the very end of my rope, which usually means I just need sleep.

4. How do you deal with boundaries? Do you set boundaries for yourself? Do you feel like you respect the boundaries of others well?

Boundaries are the hardest thing in the world for me. They make me feel like I am untrustworthy or unwanted. I do have boundaries for myself, but they are easily crossed because I don’t want to upset anyone by letting them know I’m not comfortable with something. As far as other people’s boundaries go, I do feel like I respect them unless I feel disrespected, then EVERYTHING is out the window.

5. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

I do not like myself when I am stressed. I become the exact opposite of everything I believe myself to be, all of the inner self-work, therapy, meditation, prayers… all of it has zero impact on me and how I handle stressful situations. When stressed, I make people feel my presence because I have to be in control, I have to be strong, and I cannot ask for help.

When I am healthy, I am at peace. I strive to stay in that space. The kitchen can be a mess overnight, my son can go to sleep without taking a bath — it doesn’t matter. When healthy, I listen to people when they speak, and HEAR what they are saying. I’m soft around the edges, and easy-going. The struggle for control and power ceases. Honestly, when I feel loved and wanted, I willingly relinquish those things to the person I’m with. Being in control is something I consider myself to be good at, but it’s not what I want.

6. Do you know your wing? How does your wing number enhance or contribute two aspects of being a Type Two?

I have a 3 Wing. I feel like it exaggerates a lot of the self-gratification aspects of my personality/Type. I have to be successful, I have to achieve whatever it is I am set on doing. If I’m able to keep that drive focused on work or my family then great!! However, the 3 Wing energy usually ends up back on relationships, and then I become overbearing and smothering, needing to be right.

7. Do you feel like in your formative years you somewhere picked up the message that to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

100%, absolutely, yes yes yes. I felt like to truly love someone you had to be willing to bleed out to that person. And if they would not do the same for you, then they could not possibly love you the same. If I loved someone enough, took care of them, paid their bills, cleaned their house, cooked for them, and prayed hard enough, then it would be reciprocated, and that person would, in turn, do those things for me — which is what I wanted to make me feel safe and secure.

8. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship?

Honestly, this has changed drastically for me very recently. I’ve always wanted someone to take care of me, to be “the man of the house”, be strong. I had all that, and it was the loneliest I’ve ever been — surrounded by people. I now want someone to look at me with affection, to tell me everything will be okay when I screw something up, and that they will be next to me to help me figure out how to fix it together. I want them to smile and be happy around me. Then I will know I’m loved and wanted and appreciated. I feel like I have the same requirements for me to feel secure in my own self. I need to know that when I walk into a room, people are happy to see me, trust me to do my job, and trust me with their thoughts/ feelings.

9. What do the words True Self, rage, and voice mean for you today?

True Self: The me behind the thing… the me that doesn’t need to be needed, but is wanted, and not because I’m good at something. The me that is happy and silly and confident.

Rage: The absolute worst possible reaction, uncontrollable emotions/words/expressions. Nothing makes sense, talking in circles. The need to be right, and noticed. Unnecessarily irrational.

Voice: I don’t think I can answer this 100% just yet. It’s something I’m still working on. I am easily guided by external voices and influences, and listening to myself is proving to be very difficult.

10. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number?

I took the test probably six times praying that I would not be a Type Two! I was a Two every single time. I can tell you what I dislike about my number easily: I don’t like that I’m selfish with my actions, that my motivations are self-fulfilling, and that I’ll use my emotions to manipulate situations, so they are easier for me to navigate and be in control of.

I’m learning to love my number right now. I do genuinely care about people. I love that I am able to separate my need to be needed from their actual need of assistance. I’ve learned to love when someone comes to me for help! I appreciate being asked to do things now, instead of just doing them and then becoming upset because I wasn’t acknowledged for doing it in the first place.

Brittany is thirty-four and has a ten-year-old son Killian that looks just like her. She was in the Air Force for six years. She is now a nurse and manages an Orthopedic Surgery office. She’s been divorced for almost two years, which was when she started her sleeve 🙂 She has a boyfriend who is a Type 4w5 and sings like no one she’s ever heard before. You can connect with Brittany on social media at:

Facebook: facebook.com/brittanymariestraub

Instagram: @britt_straub

Twitter: @brittmstraub

*Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

Both/And: Enneagram Types in Non-Duality

Posted on July 30, 2018March 10, 2019 by melissakircher

One of the many, many things I love about the Enneagram is the way in which “the work” — or, personal growth — is not intended to be forced. I might not like lots of the characteristics of being a Type Five, but I can’t force my way out of them. I can’t make myself Arrow to Eight or shed it all and get in touch with my true self on command — as much as I might try. It has to happen organically.

The work of the Enneagram is to become healthy the old-fashioned way, through time, experience, insight, life-lessons, other people, spiritual practices, and self-awareness. The key here is time. And since a lifetime is required to become who we really are, there’s a lot of acceptance that has to happen during the in-between. This is where Both/And comes in. It’s the idea that life can be experienced in non-duality — the same way you can look at a pencil and just see an eraser, or turn it and see the tip, yellow side, and eraser. It’s still a pencil, but there are different views, different ways it can be experienced and seen. People are like this. We can be two things at once. We can be many things at once. Confusing, yet true.

I’d invite you to ask yourself how the following Both/And’s might apply to you and how that makes you feel, think, or act. Enjoy!

Both/And Type One: You both have a drive for perfection AND the capacity to understand that the imperfection of life is truly valuable.

Bonus: You can learn to whimsically enjoy things going wrong.

Both/And Type Two: You both need to be loved AND you are innately worthy of love without doing a thing.

Bonus: You can learn how to love yourself well.

Both/And Type Three: You both lose yourself behind a myriad of successful images you present to the world AND have the capacity to be insanely alluring and desirable when you let your authenticity show.

Bonus: You can learn from failure.

Both/And Type Four: You both swim in a sea of fluctuating shallow emotions AND dive deep to find what is authentically true in your heart.

Bonus: You can learn to help others discover their true selves through attention and divine insight.

Both/And Type Five: You are both someone who observes and acquires knowledge to feel distantly safe AND a fountain of innate wisdom, feeling, and connection.

Bonus: You can learn to be vulnerable with others in the moment.

Both/And Type Six: You are both mentally preparing for every worst-case scenario AND innately able to courageously and competently handle unforeseen circumstances.

Bonus: You can learn how to give people your trust.

Both/And Type Seven: You both seek constant stimulation as a way of running from hard/boring things AND have the capacity to truly delight in every day, ordinary events.

Bonus: You can learn to teach others how joy-filled their lives are right now.

Both/And Type Eight: You both react in anger as a way to protect yourself AND have tender hearts that empower others who are marginalized.

Bonus: You get to say fuck more than any other number.

Both/And Type Nine: You both merge with others as a way to narcotize your own feelings AND are powerful forces for uniting people in true peace.

Bonus: You can learn to be fully yourself while mitigating conflict.

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Photos by Kirstyn Paynter & Elena Tudor on Unsplash

Enneagram 2w1 vs. 2w3

Posted on July 23, 2018July 21, 2018 by melissakircher

Enneagram Type Twos are often called the Helpers. They have a desire to fulfill the needs of others; often in order to get their own buried needs met. They can sense emotions with clarity and precision and are in the Heart Triad, meaning they experience the world through the lens of feeling and relationships. They know you very well, but when healthy, also know themselves well, maintaining good boundaries and practicing self-care.

Type Two with a One Wing (2w1)

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In Integration:

Type 2w1s are the warm, generous, loving people you’d expect, with a shade of moral obligation and resolve thrown into the mix. Their desire to do good in the world and to meet the needs of others is amplified by the 1w motivation of correctness. Their generosity is often turned toward social justice and they truly wish to change the world for the better through their efforts. “They are often Good Samaritans, willing to take on thankless and unglamorous tasks that others generally avoid.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson, pg. 130) Type Twos are in the Heart Center Triad, but the 1w brings a measure of the Body Center. This is advantageous to the 2w1 because they have help processing their reality with body energy, more easily recognizing when their feelings threaten to overtake them. The 1w is also empowering, supplying the Type Two with a sense of physical presence and backbone.

In Stress/Disintegration:

In stress, the 2w1 experiences the drive for perfection of Type Ones. They still want to be needed and give, but the 1w makes them think that they know best. Often, 2w1s in stress will begin to impose their “help” onto other people, intruding into their lives in order to tell them the correct thing to do. They can often seem preachy, going on and on about what they perceive to be right — in your life, not theirs — and rub others the wrong way. 2w1s in stress can also struggle with severely judging themselves. Type Twos have trouble recognizing their own feelings and needs, and the 1w makes them further think that personal desire is somehow wrong or selfish. They toil away for others but often resent the fact they are not recognized for their work. In extreme duress, the 2w1 can even begin to neglect their bodies, melding together the body shame of Type Twos and the strive toward physical perfection of Type Ones. This can lead to bodily neglect, eating disorders, or extreme exercise regimens.

Type Two with a Three Wing (2w3)

In Integration:

2w3s are solidly in the Heart Triad, therefore they will be more good-humored and social than 2w1s. They will be more driven by their feelings (often unconscious) and the feelings of others. 2w3s seek security by trying to foster as many relationships as possible and by supporting those they love. Because they are innately more social, they have more socially pleasing manners than 2w1s—they are charismatic, alluring, chatty, versatile, adventurous, and generally pleasant to be around. They often like to be the host or hostess and gather people in their homes or out at parties. They want to offer all their good qualities and advice to others. It makes them feel good to give wholeheartedly of themselves and they do so to advance the experiences and lives of those they care about. They are less caretakers and more the attentive host.

In Stress/Disintegration:

2w3s in stress will find it challenging to see past overwhelming feelings; their entire reality will seem clouded by the feelings of others that they perceive so strongly and their own emotions that are repressed but bubble up from time to time. The fact that they lack a wing in a different Center/Triad makes self-awareness much more difficult. The influence of a Head or Body energy would help pull them out of their conditioned patterns of behavior. 2w3s will have to work extra hard to overcome autopilot. They might have more problems in relationships as they see the huge, self-sacrificing gift of their friendship as “enough”. They are sensitive and easily affronted by any criticisms directed their way because the Type Two has poured themselves out for another and the 3w cares about how they are perceived. Criticism is thus a double offense to their overinflated pride. 2w3s in stress can become arrogant, overbearing, authoritarian and are prone to bursts of anger.