Head Center » Enneagram Paths Coaching

The Emotional Movement of Each Enneagram Type

Posted on November 26, 2019November 26, 2019 by melissakircher

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence.” — Robert K. Cooper. Ph.D.

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head — it is the unique intersection of both.” — David Caruso

Emotions matter. It seems so simple and yet, how many of us disregard our emotions? We stuff them inside, ignore them, and talk ourselves out of feeling everything that makes us uncomfortable. This tamping down of our emotional life comes at a cost: to our relationship with ourselves (self-love), our relationships with others, and it can adversely affect our physical and mental health. Emotions are neutral and they are informational. They point to what’s really going on; what areas in our life need love and attention.

Below is the emotional flux of each Enneagram Type as they move through the various stages of health, autopilot, and stress. None of these words are good or bad; they’re simply descriptive, and should be used like we’re all love detectives, investigating the emotional landscape in order to know more and feel it all.

The Emotional Flux of a Type One:

Stressed 4 – envious, depressed, resentful

Average 1 – Morally-minded, blunt, strict

Health 7 – Expansive, optimistic, spontaneous

The Emotional Flux of a Type Two:

Stressed 8 – Hostile, authoritative, shamed

Average 2 – Ingratiating, creative, unaware

Health 4 – Open, secure, expressive

The Emotional Flux of a Type Three:

Stressed 9 – raging, numbed, accusatory

Average 3 – insincere, charming, boundless

Health 6 – altruistic, courageous, devoted

The Emotional Flux of a Type Four:

Stressed 2 – resentful, needy, worthless

Average 4 – entitled, yearning, self-effacing

Health 1 – prolific, spacious, feeling geniuses

The Emotional Flux of a Type Five:

Stressed 7 – Anxious, manic, self-loathing

Average 5 – Curious, distant, insecure

Heath 8 – Energized, empowered, centered

The Emotional Flux of a Type Six:

Stressed 3 – frantic, deceptive, driven

Average 6 – alert, doubting, warm

Health 9 – intuitive, relaxed, trusting

The Emotional Flux of a Type Seven:

Stressed 1 – Agitated, critical, picky

Average 7 – joyful, avoidant, magnetic

Health 5 – Present, awe-filled, controlled

Emotional Flux of a Type Eight:

Stressed 5 – isolated, calculating, negligent

Average 8 – provocative, power-hungry, excessive

Health 2 – tender, attentive, intuitive

The Emotional Flux of a Type Nine:

Stressed 6 – worried, pessimistic, reactive

Average 9 – apathetic, serene, accommodating

Health – passionate, self-loving, driven

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

Loving the 9 Enneagram Types

Posted on November 19, 2019 by melissakircher

As an Enneagram Type 5, I love to get all wordy and deep, maximizing the nuance and complexity of an issue. However, sometimes we need life to be simple. Sometimes we just need a hit of wisdom to apply here and there; it can truly make a lasting difference.

Here are some quick tips for loving each Enneagram Type well. Next week, we’ll go through respecting each Type!

Loving a Type One:

Their bluntness is more a product of inner critic than anything about you. Have a compassionate, detached chuckle when your 1 says something breathtakingly blunt.

Loving a Type Two:

Constructive criticism must be sandwiched. “You’re awesome + Have you thought about this? + I love you so much.” Gently does it.

Loving a Type Three:

You’re in task mode. Uh, hey, you’re in task mode. *grab by lapels* Fucking stop doing shit and relax! I want to be with you right now. Seriously. Love you.

Loving a Type Four:

After 15 minutes of a full spectrum emotional experience, pat the couch beside you, give your 4 a cuddle and remind them, “I love you exactly as you are.”

Loving a Type Five:

Please, dear god, interrupt your 5 mid word vomit information monologue and ask them if they would like a hug. If they say yes, make that hug authentic, tight, and long. Whisper, “You’re already good enough.”

Loving a Type Six:

If they bombard you with affectionate communication, know it’s more about believing they might be abandoned, than anything to with your trustworthiness. Have clear boundaries, but also affirm your love. A lot.

Loving a Type Seven:

I’m here for you no matter what you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, life is still wonderful. Love you.

Loving a Type Eight:

Stand toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose and remind them that while they are strong as hell, they can be vulnerable now. “You are safe with me. Let out your heart.”

Loving a Type Nine:

Ask them how they feel / what they think and then come back in an hour for the answer. “Because I love you, I want you to have time, but I also really want to know YOU.”

Enjoy your day! – Melissa

*Be sure to check out my new Enneagram Self-Love Downloads you can print and use instantly!*

Type 5 Parenting Part II: Gena Thomas

Posted on September 2, 2019September 1, 2019 by melissakircher

Today I’m happy to welcome Gena Thomas to Enneagram Paths to continue our look into Type Five Parenting and what it feels like to identify as a Type Five woman. Gena is a mother, faith-wrestler, and writer, with her second book Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey comes out in October 2019.

Welcome, Gena, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages?

I’ve recently discovered I’m a Five after about a year of trying to figure out my Enneagram number. It’s been interesting to think through what it means to be a female Type Five because most Fives interviewed on the podcasts I listen to are men. It helps me better understand (with my Four Wing) why I can be so emotional about certain things and non-emotional about much of the rest of my life. The advantage is, in my opinion, that I often have an objective view of life, so I rarely respond or make choices out of emotion. This keeps me relatively level-headed amid heated moments. However, my Five -ness seems to be not what is expected or seemingly desired of women by society, especially in Christian circles. One of the disadvantages of being a woman Five is that I never feel like I fit into other’s expectations. I question things. At first, this is viewed as good and healthy—until I probe into areas that people would like me to leave alone. Then, I’m viewed in a negative light. But I can’t seem to hold in my questions; perceivably good or bad, they are my most constant companion.

2. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships?

I identify as she/her. All of my life I have been a Christian, so being a female Five has been a part of my daily experiences in the different circles I’ve found myself in. As a woman, I’m grateful to have found some faith communities that embrace me fully. The first of these was in undergrad where questioning was the norm for everyone. The second was in graduate school, where I met others doing difficult faith-based work in community development who understand and embodied in a deep way that to have faith is to simultaneously question why the world is in the state it is in. But on a whole, being a Christian woman Five is a curious space to occupy. I hold strongly to my beliefs, but I also don’t fear doubt in a way that seems to be the norm for many Christian spaces. The story of Jacob wrestling God has been one I’ve always held dear. I consider myself a faith wrestler, and I believe that will be a lifelong endeavor for me. I also am very egalitarian and believe the gospel message unhinges the earthly hierarchies we create, including the gender hierarchy. My family moved to a new state recently because of a job opportunity for me, a woman — not for my husband. And there were some surprising responses to this from other Christians. Also, as an author, there is more of a spotlight on me than my husband. Again, the typical gender norms that often exist in evangelicalism don’t describe my family’s situation, and thankfully I think that’s becoming more and more the norm.

3. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? What is the easiest thing?

I think the hardest thing is recognizing I do have feelings about personal situations, they just take time to surface. I have to give them that time. The hardest thing for others to deal with is that even though I don’t fit the typical gender role of a “Christian woman” I will still pull a chair up to the table.

The easiest thing about being a Type Five is researching and observing. As a writer, this helps me in so many ways. Writing allows me to process my feelings, so having a personality that always wants to learn more feels like a great asset as a writer and person.

4. Talk a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram?

I have two kids: an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Parenting is hard, but it is oh-so-good. I love how it teaches me to be selfless. I parent with my husband, which is a great balance for us because he’s very hands-on and playful. I’m more reserved and love to reason with my children. It’s important for me to set aside my distractions and just play with my kids. It’s probably one of the toughest things for me to do. I’m seeing how much I hoard time, especially alone time, so when my kids are playing, I want to get dishes done or laundry done so that when they go to bed, I can read a book or write. But if I did that every time I wanted to, I’d never play with my kids. I discovered the Enneagram about two years ago, so this is all still new, fresh awareness for me. It helps me to ask myself: Am I hoarding time right now or do I really need to get this task done? What’s the worst that can happen if I stop my tasks and play?

5. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs?

I feel like it’s extra hard. I struggle a lot with this, especially working full-time and coming home and feeling like I need some moments to withdraw before jumping back into another social environment that requires even more of me. Luckily, I have a thirty-minute commute and so I’ve started to use that time for introspection. I truly believe that staying present with my children makes me a better person, so it’s important for me to stay mindful of that—even though I still withdraw a lot. But, it’s also important for my family to recognize I sometimes need alone time to re-orient and re-charge, and to give me space when they can. In the end, our family dynamic is a give and take, and we’re all the healthiest when we find balance in recognizing each other’s needs.

6. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? Do you find avarice (greed) creeping in on your relationships with your children?

Yes, avarice always creeps into my relationship with my children; in wanting to withdraw, if that makes sense. I also hoard time, so for me, avarice comes in the form of wanting to not stay present as a mom; wanting to take some alone time or wanting to get things checked off my to-do list. I’m realizing this more and more. It’s so helpful to see it as something that works against my health, which is a huge testimony to the Enneagram. When I was first trying to determine my number the idea of avarice—or greed—made me think I wasn’t a Five. “I’m not a greedy person,” I thought. But then I heard someone being interviewed on a podcast talk about being greedy with time and suddenly it hit me like a demolition ball. I’ve often been wrecked by avarice, but now, with self-awareness, I see how dangerous (in some ways) that greed can really be.

7. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother your children day-in-day-out.

Heart first: When my kids pass big milestones, I get excited. Unlike many moms I know who feel sad about their little child growing up, I rarely feel sadness about a new phase of life. I think this is because I LOVE that I can reason well with my son. I love having deep discussions with anyone, so being able to do that more and more with my children is awesome!

Thoughts: Having a routine helps me out a lot, I thrive better with it than without (glad the summer is over!) Actual thoughts I have often: Did I do this? Did my son get that? Did my daughter do what I asked? When can I get alone time again? How much energy will it take to do this activity? Is there another similar activity that will take less? If I expend this much energy here, when will I next get filled up? Oh my goodness, my son is so wise! My daughter is adorable! I love my kids. I am so annoyed by my kids. Why are they fighting again? Awww, they are playing together, this is so sweet. Wow, what’s it going to be like when she can do this [insert activity]?

Sensations: My daughter is very touchy. I love how she runs up to me when I arrive home from work and yells my name and gives me a huge hug. I love whenever she plays with my hair or brushes it, or lets me play with hers (that doesn’t often happen). When I tell her she is cute or pretty, she squeals in delight. Both of my children’s laughs are the sweetest sounds to my ears. I love that my daughter wants to sit in my lap or next to me. It took a while to get used to this because my son wasn’t like this, but I have really learned to enjoy her physicality even though I can be big on personal space in most other settings. I know there will come a time when she doesn’t want to do this, and I don’t want to take it for granted.

8. Give us as many tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in!! What have you learned so far?

This tip is for being a mom but also for professional life. I am much better at being social with someone who I have contacted first through email or text or direct message. So, whether networking professionally, or socially for my children, it’s always good for me to make communication contact prior to physical contact.

I hear a lot about how much Fives are in their heads, so one thing that has helped me as a mom is to do physical activities with my kids. When I come home from work, my mind is reeling, it’s good for me to go outside with the kids and kick a soccer ball or pick up sticks together. Moving my body gets out of my mind while also connecting with my kids.

It’s hard for me to write when my kids are around, so I’ve learned to set aside writing time either while the kids are sleeping or while they’re with a sitter. This can be challenging, especially now that we live far away from family, but it’s been important for me to thrive.

I’ve also just recently read The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz which talks about the need for stillness. While silence is relatively easy for me (and quite welcome when I get to be alone) stillness is tough, especially trying to still my mind. I’m just now getting into some contemplative prayer practices and it feels like holy resistance doing so.

Gena1 Gena Thomas is a writer, a faith wrestler, a wife, and a mom. She and her husband, Andrew, have been married for 10 years and they have two children, an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Gena works as an instructional designer at a nonprofit that equips local churches within the area of holistic development. She has written for several Christian publications, and published her first book, A Smoldering Wick: Igniting Missions Work with Sustainable Practices in 2016. Her second book, Separated by the Border: A birth mother, a foster mother, and a migrant child’s 3,000-mile journey unpacks the story of Gena reuniting her Honduran foster daughter with her family after separation at the US border. Separated by the Border comes out October 29, 2019. Gena can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and on Twitter, where she’s most active.

*Cover Photo by Aswin on Unsplash

How Do I Thrive as a Type 5 Parent?: Kristel Acevedo Talks Gender and Parenting

Posted on August 12, 2019August 10, 2019 by melissakircher

Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and thus I’m constantly looking for resources to help me understand healthy ways to do this nebulous thing of raising another human. As an Enneagram student and teacher, I’m fascinated by how each Type approaches parenting, and how this ancient wisdom tool can help us all become more aware, more loving, and more spacious with our children and with ourselves.

I follow the guideline that most master Enneagram teachers advocate: don’t Type your kids. Parents can always get things wrong and create a false reality/personality that children adopt, only to figure out later they aren’t the person you always told them they were. Bottom line: Typing children has the potential to create harm. But, I DO think the Enneagram helps us become healthier people and parents. It also gives us a “paying attention mindset” — watching the patterns of behavior, energy, and time orientation our kids are displaying, then utilizing our Enneagram knowledge to draw out well-rounded ways of being in our children.

An amazing Twitter thread that began between Kristel Acevedo and Gena Thomas about Enneagram Five womanhood and parenting (and many more Type Five voices) inspired me to reach out to both Kristel and Gena. Both graciously agreed to an interview! Welcome Kristel, we’re all thrilled to hear from you today!

Enneagram 5 Womanhood & Parenting

1. How do you as an Enneagram Five move about in the world? I tend to stick to spaces I feel comfortable in. New environments usually cause me to be more quiet and observant. However, once I am familiar with a space I feel freer.

2. Do you feel that being a woman and a Type Five has any distinct advantages and/or disadvantages? I like that I am observant, logical, and pretty balanced. To me, that’s an advantage because I don’t feel like I get swept up in frenzy.

3. If you identify as a WOC please tell us about your experiences. As a woman who is the daughter of immigrants and as a Type Five, I feel it is my duty to share my observations on topics that are important to me, especially immigration. I can share my views in a balanced and fair way, and also have the ability to listen to others. I think I do a good job, most of the time, of keeping my emotions in check when discussing my experiences as a WOC.

4. Talk about what gender means to you. Where do you feel most comfortable on the gender spectrum? What does this mean for your daily life, your work, family, and friendships? I identify as fully female, but I also think that I don’t carry some of the baggage of what some people believe a woman “should be.” Growing up, I saw my mom work hard outside of the home to break through glass ceilings. She never put her dreams on hold, but was still a loving (albeit, not very emotional) mother. She didn’t cook or spend her days cleaning up after us. I think it’s because of this that I didn’t feel the pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. I can just be who I am without thinking, “Is this what a woman is supposed to do?” I will admit that sometimes people have made me doubt the way I am naturally wired, but I have to believe that I am how I am for a reason. I spent a few years in my early motherhood trying to be a martyr. Once I snapped out of that and explored what best fits me as a parent, I could enjoy being a mom a lot more.

5. What is the hardest thing about being a Five woman? I’ve run into people thinking I’m emotionless. Or they’re not sure what to think of me because I’m hard to read. I’ve also been told that I look like I’m upset when in reality, I’m not. I have a hard time being with large groups of women that are all chatting away about something I’m not familiar with. I prefer smaller groups or one-on-one conversations. I also find that I get tired out easily. I try to keep my commitments low. What is the easiest thing about being a Five woman? In general, being observant and having the ability to bring a calming effect where ever I go.

6. What do you wish people knew/understood about women Fives? We are emotionally sensitive, we just don’t always show it.

7. Tell us a little about your experiences as a parent. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are you parenting with a partner or on your own? When in your parenting journey did you discover the Enneagram? I have two children. A boy who is eight and a girl who is six-years-old. I was a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom for many years. I began working outside the home when my oldest was in 1st grade. I’m married and thankfully my husband is a great dad! I discovered the Enneagram when my children were about five and three.

8. Talk about being in the Withdrawing Stance and being a parent. How do you deal with the dichotomy of these two opposing needs? I am lucky to parent with my husband who now understands my very real need to have time alone. He has learned to anticipate my need for alone time and will send me off to our room or to Starbucks so I can decompress. I find that when I have that time to myself on the front end, I can come back to my kids feeling truly refreshed and ready to talk, hug, sing, dance, and do all the fun mom things. I try to be fully present when I am with them, but I have also learned to let them know that I have my limits and that sometimes, “My brain is tired.” Thankfully, they have learned that when my brain is tired, it’s time for some quiet time.

9. How does the limited amount of energy that a Five has impact your parenting? I simply don’t have the energy to do all the things. That’s why we limit extracurricular activities and put a priority on family time at home. I sometimes feel bad that my energy is limited. But again, I’m thankful to be married to someone who has more energy than I do! Although as a Type Nine, my husband doesn’t have THAT much more energy! Do you find avarice creeping in on your relationships with your children? Maybe, regarding time, but honestly, not really. I realize that my time with them is limited and I want to make the most of it. Right now they are my top priority, but with each passing year they grow more independent and I know these needy little years won’t last forever.

10. How do you feel as a mother Type Five? Talk a little about the thoughts that run through your head, the feelings that skim through your heart, and the sensations that move through your body as you mother day-in-day-out. I love my kids, absolutely and without question. But I’m also not “obsessed” with my kids. I’m okay if I’m not there for every little thing. I’m not a helicopter parent. I don’t feel the need to do everything for them. I push them towards independence little by little each day. I am affectionate with them and tell them I love them all the time, because I know that it would be very easy for me, as a Five, to be emotionally cut off, and I don’t want to be emotionally cut off from my children. I have a Four wing and I think this helps me in my mothering. I’m moved by beautiful things, and I find my children to be beautiful. It’s easy for me to show them my love. I definitely have my limits when it comes to physical touch. I am okay cuddling for a limited amount of time, but I also like my space and feel panicked when I feel like my space is being infringed on. I also feel panicked when I feel they are throwing too many words at me for me to pick up. I crave silence and seek it when I feel my kids have pushed me to my limit.

11. Give us as any tips and tricks and life-hacks and sage advice as you’d like about being a Type Five mother. We will soak them in! What have you learned so far? I’ve learned that I don’t have to do it all. When my son was born, attachment parenting was popular. I exclusively breastfed him, cloth diapered, co-slept, etc. And I just about lost my mind. PPD hit me hard, and I was not enjoying being a mother. I wouldn’t even let my husband take over for a few hours because I didn’t trust him and thought I had to do it all. I learned that it’s silly to martyr yourself as a mother. I would much rather lean into the old phrase, “it takes a village.” Finding my village has made me happier and lighter. I love seeing my kids form meaningful relationships with other adults and teenagers. It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less just because I need a break from them. Being able to take breaks and do my own thing allows me to soak up the times we are together. I take my parenting responsibilities seriously, but I also want to have fun with my kids. That means we need to have some time apart so I’m not stressed out all the time.

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Kristel Acevedo spends her days working and serving in her local church by assisting the pastor, writing content, and managing social media. She has a passion for spreading hope and inspiration through her writing. She grew up in Miami but has made several moves to different states and is now settled into South Carolina with her husband, two kids, and puppy.

Website: kristelacevedo.com

Instagram and Twitter: @KristelAce

*Stock Photo by Sai De Silva & on Unsplash

Type Seven, More Fun Than Anyone: Alleli Hull

Posted on October 22, 2018October 11, 2018 by melissakircher

“It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise [people] are able to understand them.” ― Paulo Coelho

Where I live, there has been never-ending rainfall… not fun. I have needed a dose of Type Seven optimism and energy! Good thing my little daughter is a Seven. She makes even the rainiest of days pure sunshine. I’m so excited to have another dose of bright sun this week on Enneagram Paths, Alleli Hull. As a refresher, Type Sevens are “future-oriented, restless people who are generally convinced that something better is just around the corner. They are quick thinkers who have a great deal of energy and who make lots of plans. They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open-minded. They are enthusiasts who enjoy the pleasures of the senses and who don’t believe in any form of self-denial.” (Eclectic Energies, The Enthusiast)

This is just a quick look at basic Type, so let’s dig a bit deeper into the active minds (Head Triad) and deep hearts of Type Sevens, because despite being happy-go-lucky, they are very deep, complex people. Welcome, Alleli!

1. Sevens see and experience the world by trying to enjoy every particle, every second. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

I find a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment in noticing little details within the bigger picture. For example, in the song All Time Low by Jon Bellion, every fourth tambourine hit is pitched just a little bit lower than the first three. I am mesmerized that a producer’s brain can think of a detail that small! When I find moments like that in the world around me, I can’t help but share my experience with others!

The label I give this fascination is “simple joy.” I think if more people latched onto this label, we could become less frustrated with the world around us. Simple joy is going for a drive just because, playing card games with friends, making eye contact with a food service worker when saying thank you and watching their face light up. Honestly, it can be even simpler than that—playing my favorite song on repeat for the ninth time, taking my socks and shoes off after work, or even finding another clean shirt in the hamper so I can put off doing laundry for another day. Does simple joy make me a simple person? Heck no! I just like to take time to appreciate the little things.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart? (Or any combination.)

The order is as such: Gut —> Head —> Heart

I have a tendency to want to make (and actually make) rash, impulsive decisions in both major and minor ways. But, if I give myself an extra 30 seconds, then I can keep the weight of the matter while getting rid of the emotional charge and make a more rational decision. BUT if I take too much time, then I’ll just go with whatever I feel like in that very moment.

When it comes to indecisive friends looking to me, I normally have our options put in alphabetical order in my head and pick a letter at random. Whatever I land on is the decision we collectively make.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type One? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Five?

Moving to either One or Five brings focus and detachment to my scattered Seven brain.

When I go to Type One, rules become rigid. I hate when other people around me try to bend and break the rules while simultaneously exempting myself from them. Sometimes I’ll even make up rules in my head and expect people to follow them. I’ll start to detach from the people I’m closest to so I can justify putting my head down and getting through whatever situation I find myself in.

When I go to Type Five, my brain can slow down and focus in on one subject at a time rather than trying to multitask—thinking about how backpacks are made, what I’m going to eat tonight, and how to say anthropomorphize without stuttering over the word, all at once. I get to detach from the emotional charge of what people are saying and look beyond what I’m seeing and hearing. When I’m at my best and most comfortable, I can look like an extroverted Five—my favorite place to be!

4. How does Gluttony play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself lacking satisfaction with experiences, jobs, or people?

I have a massive tendency to over-consume. I’m the person who will eat the last slice of pizza because nobody wants to be “that person.” I like to drive just a little bit faster than the other vehicles around me and, unfortunately, have the driving record to prove it. I binge watched six seasons of Game of Thrones in less than three weeks. Why? Well, why the heck not‽ My reasoning for a lot of the decisions I make can boil down to this: Because I can.

The second part of this questions comes at a very transitional time in my life. Summer just ended (goodbye Six Flags), I recently turned in my two weeks notice and am switching jobs, and I’ve also recently cut out some unhealthy relationships. I’m always “lacking,” but I always find the silver lining to make the best of whatever situation is staring me in the face.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Seven? (And by the way, most of us want to be you!!)

SEVENS HAVE DEPTH!!! We are probably the most easily caricatured type because our natural disposition leans heavily into joyfulness and positivity, but don’t mistake our upbeat demeanor for an empty brain—when healthy, we work incredibly hard for depth and even harder for others to see it.

Sevens are also natural Jacks and Jackies of all trades. We have the intrinsic ability to pick up foundational skills on the fly but will rarely master any one thing. We fill skill gaps until a more qualified person can fill it. By then, we’re ready for more variety and a new challenge anyway!

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Seven?

I am a 7w8. While my natural disposition is to be upbeat and positive, I can get set off pretty quickly if somebody tries to control my mood or actions without permission. I’m not great at being a “good soldier” because that means my decisions aren’t my own.

I also have a really difficult time with people’s opinions stated as absolute. Regardless if I agree or disagree with whoever brought up the statement, my natural bent is to be against it. What is great about sitting in the opposite camp from the other person is now we get to dialogue and dissect; an animated, cordial conversation gets to happen, and now we can bend and stretch the absolute statement to see what it’s really made of.

7. As a Type Seven do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I have to. At some point, the shallow reasoning I have for most of the decisions I make aren’t good enough, and I have to seek out something/someone bigger and wiser than me. While I grew up in church and still stand on the beliefs cited within the Apostle’s Creed, I do not currently ascribe to any spiritual practices.

8. How do thinking and planning show up in your life? Are you able to recognize all the thinking you actually do?

I might be a good future thinker and planner, but I’m a terrible implementer. My brain can only wrap around planning up to two weeks out at a time before I have to take considerable measures to keep my schedule organized. If there is no concrete timeline on future plans, the sky is the limit on what I can or want to do. I have aspirations of becoming a serial podcast creator, recording my own music, fostering multiple dogs at a time, and building my own gaming computer. Those are not difficult to plan and account for the logistical details. Implementing those plans are a completely different story. There are so many other easier events I can execute, so I put many of my aspirations on the back burner to take care of “tomorrow.”

I am constantly in my head, and there are a lot of amoeba-like thoughts and ideas floating around. I can typically track my train of thought, but sometimes I have to play catch up. I have gone from silently appreciating a nice writing utensil to blurting out “Can you shoot a gun in outer space?” thirty seconds later. I know all of the thoughts in-between that got me to that point, but I still have to catch up to myself. When I’m not in a healthy headspace, I’ll have full conversations/arguments with people I’m close within my head. I’ve learned to catch these earlier, so I can dissect why I’m doing this by myself and not with whomever I’m having the “discussion” with and redirect the thought pattern into something more actionable.

9. Talk about what the words Focus, Maturity, and Pain mean to you today.

Focus is selective and subjective. If I find a topic interesting, I will deep dive it until I hit bedrock. For instance: a friend of mine asked me if I could create a playlist for all nine types. I spent eight hours straight curating nine different playlists with songs spanning across different genres and levels of popularity. But if I don’t find the topic interesting, I have to work really hard to find focus and buckle down.

Maturity is a journey in a vehicle that only goes 10 mph to a destination 1000 miles away. Maturity has come really slowly and awkwardly to me. It means rising to whatever occasion is in front of me and embrace what’s uncomfortable. It means learning to minimize my foot-in-mouth syndrome and grow in empathy for the people I am surrounded by. It also means reining in my impulsiveness and owning my situation rather than running from it.

Pain is scary and inevitable. Sometimes pain doesn’t have a resolution—I’m learning that lesson right now.

Alleli Hull is a 31-year-old Midwesterner sweating it out in Memphis. She went to school for music performance and can play anything in your typical garage band. She enjoys a little coffee with her sugar and firmly believes the toilet paper roll should be over and not under. She also has a pup named Skander and can’t say no to him. She loves FPS games, and the Halo franchise was her first love. Her room and car might be disasters, but at least all the apps on her phone are in their rightful folders.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/alleli.hull

Instagram: @allelihull

Twitter: @allelihull

*Cover Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

Deep Dive with a Five: Samantha Eubanks

Posted on October 1, 2018September 30, 2018 by melissakircher

“I’ve never minded it,” he went on. “Being lost, that is. I had always thought one could not truly be lost if one knew one’s own heart. But I fear I may be lost without knowing yours.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Another Type Five interview this week! I’m so happy my fellow nerd turtles are braving the world and willing to open up and share their heads and hearts with all of you. It’s hard for us Fives to trust that we can be ourselves and be accepted, maybe even loved! So glad to have you, Samantha, and thanks a million for giving all of us even more insight into the Olympic minds and deep feelings of Type Fives.

1. Fives see and experience the world by trying to make sense of it with their thoughts. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

As a Five, I feel like to fully experience something; I have to know a lot about it first. Like, it’s hard for me to really appreciate a movie unless I’ve researched everything about it beforehand. I’m really trying to balance out this part of myself by practicing being present and being curious about something instead of pulling out my phone to get the immediate answer. My partner is a Type Seven, and I’ve learned a lot from him because he is very present in his experiences. I can sometimes ruin the mood when we’re hiking and go into a monologue about how to survive a bear attack from every type of bear, bear traits, and bear facts. There’s a time and a place!

2. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Seven? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Eight?

When I move to Seven in stress, I can either be really fun or like, a little much. I get really chatty and can’t stop moving. I’ll have a whole day of hopping around from one thing to another planned. This can be great for the people I’m in relationships with (because, whoa, I’ve actually planned things), or quickly draining, and then they need space. Mainly, when I move into Seven, I get really excessive with my needs and my wants. In turn, this causes me to ignore the needs and wants of my loved ones. I can become pretty self-absorbed when I’m stressed.

In Type Eight, I am a very encouraging friend. I’m a bold and confident communicator, and I’m not overly observant of myself, which allows me to be more present for my friends because I can easily forget about my social insecurities. I also become more assertive when I move into Eight. This can either be great in some relationships or offensive because it definitely helps me set boundaries that I’m not confident setting when I’m in full Five mode. Overall, in Eight, I’m able to identify and address the needs of others while also acknowledging my own. Then, I try to figure out how both of our needs can be met.

3. How does Avarice/Greed play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself hoarding time, energy, and resources?

Greed shows up for me with my time. I worry a lot about getting too engulfed in people’s lives because to me I feel like they will have unrealistic expectations of how much time I should spend with them. This is usually untrue, but this fear has stopped me from getting close to people before. I think it’s honestly just an excuse to comfortably lean back into a natural reclusive state. I’ve learned, though, that every time I do let go and share my time, it is so worth it and I feel so much better! I am always reminding myself that there is enough. There is enough time to go around, and it’s okay to share it.

At one point, I hoarded lots of books that I didn’t read, but having them around me felt really safe and comforting. I’ve since gotten rid of most of them and try not to get too attached to material things like that. Instead, I hoard library books because, at some point, I have to let them go (usually after lots of overdue notices!). If I’m feeling very Seven (very excessive), I get as many books as I can carry and bring them home with me and they usually remain un-cracked, but I just really like their company! Is this a problem? Probably. Yes. *Shrug*

4. Are you a parent? How does your Type influence parenting? If you’re not a parent, what do you imagine would be some strengths and weakness in being a Type Five parent?

I’m not a parent, but I think something that might be a weakness for me as a parent in the future would be not having enough energy to keep up with the littles. Like most Fives, I have a small tank of energy that can be drained pretty quickly. I really try to conserve my energy for my creative projects and work, so I just worry that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with everything. I think a strength would be my creativity and my ability to connect with kids. I work with children on a day-to-day basis and writing for kids is my life’s work. I love talking to kids, hearing their ideas, their stories, and I love being silly with them. Kids keep you in the moment, and I love that.

5. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Five?

My enneagram wing is Four. I think my wing is a big part of my creativity. I’ve always been a dreamer and a little idealistic. I love exploring different outlets for my creativity. I love writing, photography, music, painting, video editing and crafting. I want to do anything and everything when it comes to art.

On the emotional side of the Four, I’m very introspective. Sharing can be fun for me and pretty easy at times until the Five pushes back and says, “Danger! Hoard your personal information, or it will be used against you!” *eye roll* So, these two sides fight quite often and can leave me sounding pretty vague when people try to connect with me. The Four side has allowed me to form deeply meaningful and rich relationships that I absolutely treasure. Though, when I’m first meeting someone, the Five is in high gear, and it usually takes months and months for the Four side to reveal itself. I’m trying to work on a balance between the two!

Overall, though, the Four really balances out my drive for dry, mundane information that my dominant type brings out. It reminds me to look at things creatively and not so analytically. I think it’s my fun side.

6. What would the phrase, “You know enough, you can handle this. You are wise,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

It would allow me to feel freer, less constrained, and not so concerned with incompetence. I wouldn’t constantly be searching or preparing (for what? I don’t know!). I would be able to let everything be and relax, and I would understand that what I need to know would come to me.

7. As a Type Five do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

I connect to spirituality in nature because it’s there that I feel most present and in my body. I also practice meditation. Meditation reminds me of my breath. It reminds me that breath is life. It reminds me to slow down and take a look around to see without having to know exactly what I’m looking at.

8. How does emotion show up in your life? Do you value or suppress emotion?

I definitely suppress emotion. When I get sad, I get mad at myself for feeling sad. I try to practice holding onto an emotion, observing it, considering it for a little bit and then letting it go, so it doesn’t bottle up and explode one day. I am so envious of people who can process emotions quickly. I think it’s beautiful to be so in tune and able to just let the emotions flow. For me, it truly takes me months to process big life changes and how I feel about them. When emotion does show up immediately for me, like if there’s an argument and I get angry, or something sad happened, and I cry, I feel really out of control, like I’m crazy, when no, I’m just a human. I really need some kind of mantra for this! Any suggestions?

From Melissa: Feeling emotion is constant, daily work for me, too! My emotions overwhelm me in the moment, so I often have to pick a mantra like you and remind myself that “this will pass” or “feelings are healthy.” But I can’t lie, sometimes I just don’t know that something impacted me until a day or two later and I’m sobbing in the shower! Bodywork and grounding practices like yoga have helped me recognize when my body is alerting me to emotion by an adrenaline rush, tightened muscles, sweat… all those things we Fives try to ignore!)

9. Talk about what the words Voice and Relationship mean to you today.

Voice – Right now, voice is the thing I keep pushing toward the uppermost part of my heart because I want to remember to use it. I want to use my voice to encourage those I love. I want to give voice to my needs and to the needs of others, so they know they’re heard. I want to continue giving voice to characters I create. I want to stay true to my voice in my work and all that I do.

Relationship – Listening. Loving. Hard work. Good work. Soul work. Grace. Partnership. Good Intent. Kindness. Boundaries. Conflict. Selflessness. Joy. Fun. Presence. Laughter. Play.

Thank you, Samantha!!

samantha2 Samantha Eubanks is a freelance writer working from Nashville, TN with a furry dog at her feet and a story at the tips of her fingers. You can follow her at @WritingWithSam on Twitter for updates on her creative projects and website, samantha-writes.com. When she’s not writing, Samantha is overcoming her fear of whales, dreaming of travel with her fiancé, and kissing her dog sloppily on the mouth.

*Photo by Jan Traid on Unsplash

Deep Dive With a Five: Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo

Posted on September 24, 2018September 21, 2018 by melissakircher

This (beginning-to-be-fall!) Monday, we have Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo on the Enneagram Paths blog. Welcome, Alexandra, it’s so great to have you and we’re looking forward to hearing about what it’s like to be a Type Five in your life. As a reminder, Riso and Hudson in The Wisdom of the Enneagram define a Type Five as, “[the investigator who] wants to understand how the world works. They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth. They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves.”

As a Type Five, I found myself saying, “Hell yes!!” a lot when reading through this interview. I learned about Alexandra, a person different from me, but who sees the world using my same lens. This is why I love doing interviews, they’re both so uplifting of individual expression, while also unifying under the shared expression of Type, growth, and stress. I hope that Enneagram Paths is a place where you can feel like you’re not alone in the way you think, act, or emote and I hope it helps you become more compassionate about the way others move through the world.

Here we go!

1. Alexandra, Fives see and experience the world by trying to make sense of it with their thoughts. Talk a little about how this shows up in your life.

Oh god, how does this not show up in my life? Understanding is how I feel comfortable enough to bring forth my full personality—my humor, my effort, my ideas, my generosity, everything. This applies to people, social environments, jobs, machines, you name it. The people who know me well almost unanimously believed I was cold and arrogant at first, and then got closer and knew the real me better. The ones that did not have that first impression of me, saw me as gregarious, extroverted, and opinionated, probably because they were observing me in a setting I was already comfortable in. (Five go to Type Eight in health/integration) Crazy difference.

I frequently compare my personality to that of a cat. I can’t be approached quickly without being startled. It’s best to make your presence known and then just exist around me while I get comfortable on my own. People descriptions of themselves mean almost nothing to me, sad to say. I have to observe them for myself.

2. How do you make decisions? From your gut, from your head, or from your heart?

My default is to make decisions from my head. Even with the influences from my gut and my heart, my head has the last say. I have to consciously make the decision to give my heart and body a voice. However, that is a practice that still makes me very nervous. Putting my head in the back seat makes me feel prone to behaving like a wild animal. Exciting and honest, but reckless and potentially dangerous. At times, I definitely wish that I was more spontaneous and bold with action and emotion, but those responses only seem to come out after my processing has made its way through the plumbing of my brain.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Seven? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Eight?

I’m sure I frustrate people when I go to Type Seven spaces. I crawl into my Type Five cave but seem indifferent to my stressors. My favorite phrases to use are “I just need some space” or “I just need to re-center”. Then I cheerfully flutter away on my own to some activity that doesn’t require me to think like yoga, cleaning, shopping, etc. It must confusing to watch because right before that, I’m usually DEEP into a rabbit hole of confusion and indecision. I’m sure it’s mostly frustrating because I’m very resistant to help or advice.

Being in a Type Eight space is very different. My loved ones, even strangers, feel more connected to me because I become more outspoken and forward. This especially comes out in group settings with friends or family. My charm comes out confidently and I feel seen and felt. Although sometimes I dip into the low end of Eight and get a little too blunt when I’m feeling determined but nervous about what needs to be said. It’s a balancing act.

My fiancé is an 8w9. He’s the greatest man on the planet and such an inspiration. Our relationship is super helpful to my growth because it requires me to speak up and take action just as often as it requires him to slow down and access his gentleness.

4. How does Avarice/Greed play out in your daily life? Do you find yourself hoarding time, energy, and resources?

Time and energy are my most precious resources. I’ll decline invitations and cancel plans if I feel my day or my week is too filled up because I worry I won’t have the energy or attention span or fullness of myself to be engaging or sharp or effective. I also tend to exaggerate how much time I need to complete tasks or to recuperate post social event. I don’t find that I’m greedy with my physical resources (money/ food/etc.) but perhaps this is because I don’t often put myself in positions where others can see them as available.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Five?

Our slow pace towards action, even reactions, is not due to indifference! If I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it! …eventually. I just need to go about doing it correctly and thoroughly. If I don’t immediately argue back or respond in a discussion, it’s because I need a moment (or many) to consider what I’m being told in order to respond thoughtfully and effectively. The worst thing I could do is give someone a reason to believe I don’t know what I’m talking about! I care so much! Just in a slow, methodical way.

6. Tell us about your Wing. Do you know what it is? How does it color your experiences as a Five?

I have a large, large 4w. Large enough to have confused me considerably when I was trying to figure out my type. I relate to almost everything about the Type Four—the deep emotions, the comfort in melancholic feelings, the self-awareness, etc. The observation that finalized me being a Type Five is that I prefer to keep all of my intensity to myself. Fours, though shy at times, wear their hearts on their sleeves and are very emotionally forward. That’s not naturally me; I need a very familiar, safe space to be able to bring my emotions forward.

My 4w brings positives and negatives. Negatives: I have a stronger tendency to withdraw and wallow when I’m in lower levels of health. The Four energy can really slow me down because not only do I have to sort through my mental process, but I have to understand my emotions. Positives: it’s easy for me to empathize with others. As a teacher, my 4w is heavily utilized in making my younger students feel comfortable. Being in tune with my emotions has helped me understand that emotions are often just ever-changing weather patterns. Not all of them need to be deconstructed and taken too seriously. What a relief.

7. What would the phrases, “You know enough. You can handle this. You are wise,” mean to you if you knew them to be deeply true?

Just reading these phrases makes me nervous and emotional. Moments of really, truly believing I can handle things makes me feel like a superhero. And while the idea of ever knowing enough is wildly foreign to me, believing that to be true would make me question where to put my energy. Into just enjoying things? Into building an empire? Who knows! Perhaps, it would propel me to do everything I could, as well as I could. Knowing I have it all in me would be paradise.

8. As a Type Five do you personally connect to spirituality? Are there any spiritual practices you participate in?

Conceptually and emotionally, absolutely. However, the application of those practices to the “real world” requires an amount of discipline I still struggle with. I practice yoga fairly regularly. The idea of playing with shapes takes away the pressure of being perfect. The need to breathe through moments of struggle and tension is a good reminder to relax into my problems and trust that I know how to handle myself. Knowing that I will only get better and stronger if I continue to show up is invaluable wisdom.

9. How does emotion show up in your life? Do you value or suppress emotion?

I definitely used to suppress emotion. I still do without realizing it from time to time, but I value it enough to consciously bring myself back to it. Growing up, my mom and many close friends were very emotional. Their decision-making would depend on their mood, which wouldn’t always work out too great for them. So I learned to really discount how I’m feeling when it came to deciding what to do. Then a few years ago, I was in a relationship that really brought out the full force of my heart. I admired his emotional bravery and really learned how to tap into my own emotional intelligence. I learned that the confusion I was often frustrated with was really sadness or anger. I also learned that my relationship was actually highly manipulative and I had been feeling neglected and taken advantage of for a long time without realizing it. Learning how to listen to my own heart helped me take care of myself because, instead of constantly going back to the drawing board to find a thread of logic that would explain or justify the circumstances, I was able to just say “I don’t feel cared for or loved or respected” and finally leave.

Being a Five, though, emotions are not my first language. So rather than being in my emotions, I like to say that I have a relationship with them. I want them to feel heard and cared for and loved because they keep me feeling nurtured and cared for. It’s quite a team.

10. Talk about what the words Voice and Relationship mean to you today.

Voice makes me think that I should be louder about my thoughts. That maybe my perspectives could be helpful or insightful. The only thing that stops me is the idea that people will find them ridiculous or find that one flaw that will destroy it, making me look like an idiot. Working on that.

Relationship immediately makes me think of the word “generosity”. My close relationships with family, friends, coworkers, my fiancé all require my time, attention, and energy. I have to give myself to them in order to cultivate those connections and help them grow. And I do so happily because as dramatically introverted as I am, my relationships are my most precious jewels. They love and accept the way that I am while encouraging me to grow and play and build. Every Five needs relationships. They’re softening and strengthening, relaxing and energizing all at once.

Hi, I’m Alexandra Arroyo-Acevedo! I’m 26 and I work as a private vocal/piano coach, as well as a singer in a duo with my fiancé (8w9). I spend an embarrassing amount of time binge-watching dark dramas or bad reality shows. I fantasize about going back to school for a masters degree but the idea of being told what to study and how to study it stops me dead in my tracks every time. I’m just as into astrology as I am the Enneagram. I’m a collector of books, dog and cat mom, food lover, and I’m learning how to bead jewelry. Surprise! I’m a Ravenclaw.

IG: @iamalexandraaa

Twitter: @aarroyoacevedo

*Header Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash

Enneagram Type Seven: More Fun Than Anyone

Posted on May 21, 2018May 21, 2018 by melissakircher

“And the sun and the moon sometimes argue over who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct.”
― Hafiz

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Radical honesty here, I want to be a Type Seven. Ohmagosh, Sevens seem to have so much fun and as a Type Five, fun is like the literal last thing on my mind! (But it needs to be.) Healthy Sevens, man they’re cool. They make even the most mundane thing seem as though it’s the best ever.

Okay, enough about my Enneagram crush on Sevens. Let’s learn some basic information about these glorious people — because I’m a Five and information is my superpower!

Enneagram Type Seven at Their Best

In their healthiest state, Type Sevens live life to the fullest. They suck every drop of happiness from each moment and, surprisingly, are totally present in that moment. They are the kings and queens of mindful joy and teach others how to appreciate the simple and even mundane things of life. Healthy Sevens truly enjoy life and they see the world through a lens of optimism. This Type is highly energetic and fast-paced, always going and doing and being everywhere all at once. They have a wide range of abilities and gifts that span many different areas of life. At their best, they use their brainstorming skills to come up with new, innovative ideas and enjoy the entire process of implementing their plans. Sevens can quickly derive associations and interrelation’s between things that others would miss — their sharp minds perceive patterns and deeper realities that are not readily apparent. Healthy Sevens are highly creative and love to have multiple projects going at once. They swiftly get others involved in these projects with their enthusiasm and genuine high-spirits. The most important thing to realize about Sevens in health is they are happy because they have learned how to accept the reality of pain — without trying to escape from it. This ability to endure pain makes them resilient. Then, crisis turns into a challenge to overcome, instead of something to flee. At their best, Sevens are funny, engaging, fantastic storytellers, charming, and delightful to be around.

Enneagram Type Seven in Autopilot

The first thing to know about Type Sevens in Autopilot is that they are in the Head Triad on the Enneagram. This might be surprising to some, but it’s not to Sevens. Their minds are constantly churning — just like Type Fives and Sixes — and they deal with the same core emotion of fear. hipster-mum-102826-unsplash The racing mind of a Type Seven is attuned to getting them the hell away from anything boring. They fear boring. Feeling bored means that they might have to stop all the fun and deal with some hard things — like pain. Sevens do not want to feel pain, this is why they plan and move so fast.

Having a constant baseline of happiness can begin to become a need for a Seven. Their thoughts turn to ways they can seek new and more exciting sources of stimulation. In Autopilot, they have to be free and independent, and when any kind of boredom sets in they start to feel stifled, becoming restless and scattered. They begin to do too many things, say yes to too many social engagements, take on too many projects, and go out every night. They are terrified of missing out, but what they are really terrified of is dealing with the difficult things in their lives. As they get more and more stressed, they lose focus and quit things. They start to live in the future (in their heads) and become persistently dissatisfied with the present. They get angry and frustrated and so plan more activities to make their happiness return — it becomes a cycle. Eventually, the Seven burns out or turns to addictive, self-destructive behaviors. At their lowest levels of functioning, Sevens can become childlike, impulsive, demanding, insensitive, and they rationalize their selfish, self-indulgent behavior with poor excuses or defensive criticisms.

Arrow to Five in Health

Able to focus on one task and see it through to completion.
Start to care more about deeper subjects like spirituality, the meaning of life, social justice, and so forth.
The need to be the center of attention and action is lessened and they take time to withdraw and reflect in solitude.
Lust for more is tempered and become satisfied with simple pleasures.

Arrow to One in Stress

Optimism can start to tilt toward pessimism and their worldviews become more black and white — often as it relates to their own actions and choices. “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
When bored they take their frustrations out on others with critical and judgemental comments.
Restless and angry, feel like the world is trying to oppress them.
Natural good humor becomes biting, harsh, and sarcastic.
Can become perfectionistic about pleasure. What they expect of experiences and people in terms of how both will make the Seven happy becomes totally unrealistic.

Body Language

Sevens appear smiling, engaged, and generally happy. Their eyes are wide and almost seem to sparkle. They talk with expressive hand and arm gestures and lean forward during conversations. They will crack jokes and have an animated energy to them, always moving about the room, always trying to find the center of all the action.

*Photos by Adam Whitlock ,Hipster Mum , John Moeses Bauan , Aatik Tasneem on Unsplash

I’m Afraid; I’m Going to Punch You: Discussions About the Phobic and Counter Phobic Enneagram Type Six

Posted on April 9, 2018April 10, 2018 by melissakircher

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Of all the nine numbers of the Enneagram, Type Six is the only one with two variants: Phobic and Counter Phobic. Many scholars believe that Sixes will fall somewhere on a spectrum between Phobic and Counter Phobic, having a dominant variant instead of being strictly one or the other. Let’s discuss the main features of both the Phobic and Counter Phobic Six, as well as the basic features of the type in general.

Type Six Generalities

At their healthiest, Sixes are quite adept at problem-solving. They use their analytical skills to confidently lead their own unique life and take control of situations. They trust themselves, their hearts, and their instincts and can take individual action based on their gut instincts. They move about in the world with confidence in their decisions. Type Sixes can become productive troubleshooters who are amazing at spotting future problems or potential issues. Integrated Sixes can see the uplifting and inspirational side of life and develop a good sense of humor about things that go wrong. At their best, Sixes are sensitive and loyal friends, family members, employees, and citizens.

In autopilot, the main downfall of the Six, namely, their unrelenting fear, becomes the focus of all their attention. They are in the Head Triad and so their minds begin to fill with constant anxiety. The Six feels helpless, self-doubtful, and emotionally unstable. Left to stew with their churning, fearful thoughts about worst-case scenarios, they become hyper-cautious and tense; unable to make decisions or take action. It becomes almost impossible for them to trust their own judgment. They start to feel they can’t handle even the smallest of obstacles and become complainers about small injuries. Sometimes, they aggrandize their perceived helplessness so that another “stronger” person will take charge.

Spirituality

“Doubt involves a loss of faith. The [Six] child reacted with fear to losing the permanent security of essence, initiating a lifelong preoccupation with courage. Fear creates dependency on rules and protective authority, which mimics the certainty of faith. The Enneagram’s Fear type has a parallel in the Doubting Mind category of Buddhist practice, in which attention shifts from belief to intense internal questioning…The path of faith begins with the firmly held beliefs seen in psychologically mature people, but, like all of the qualities that originate in essence, faith can transform consciousness.” – (The Enneagram in Love and Work, Helen Palmer, pg.151,152)

Phobic Six

travis-bozeman-396018-unsplash Fear is the central emotion in Sixes; a Phobic Six will flee from whatever causes them fear. A Phobic Six will literally exude nervousness. Their speech will be hesitant and sometimes they might stutter or mispronounce words. Their gaze will be scattered, moving around the room, not settling on anything for long. They can also put on a calm, compliant, warm front—in order to disarm other people. A Phobic Six will either consciously or unconsciously think, “When I am nice, it doesn’t cause trouble and I will be safe.” Their smiles will look strained and you may catch a suspicious sort of look in their eye; even while they’re working hard at being engaging. A Phobic Six is always watching you, always testing you. They are obedient to authority but also very suspicious.

A Phobic Six tends to complain a lot, in a very whiny manner. They talk about dangers, risks, undesirable outcomes, or worst-case scenarios. “I have a stomach ache,” they think, “it must be cancer.” Type Sixes often disempower themselves and in reaction they empower forces outside themselves, trying to make other people do what they believe they can’t. They show devotedness to an authority who feels safe – they become a loyal soldier. Once safe inside the care of authority, they check to make sure everyone else is adhering to set guidelines, traditions, or beliefs.

They talk about their fear so much to diffuse it. Sixes feel their fear in their bodies and can frighten themselves to such a degree they need to vent their anxiety. Otherwise, it becomes very overwhelming inside of their minds and hearts.

Phobic Sixes in autopilot (see paragraph one for more healthy Six characteristics) are often over-reactive. Their emotions are felt in extremes. They dramatize challenges to seek attention, magnifying small injuries and making mountains out of molehills. Their tone of speaking is negative and pessimistic. On the flip side, more integrated Phobic Sixes can be quite funny and have a good sense of humor. This humor helps them to deal with anxiety by making fun of it in a self-deprecating way.

The Phobic Six will often take a position in a group discussion they don’t necessarily agree with. They want to engage others in order to test the quality of the argument and identify weaknesses or to disprove or discard the argument as a whole.

Counter Phobic Six

Fear is the central emotion in Sixes; a Counter Phobic Six will confront and jump into their fears in order to overcome them. They can even seek out their fears at times.

Their body-language will be an overcompensation of their inner fears—Counter Phobic Sixes are often mistaken for Type Eights. They appear strong, powerful, and authoritative, with direct, probing eye-contact. An Enneagram Eight will be very distant and secure in their power stance, you can differentiate the Counter Phobic Six by the small glimmers of anxiety that seep through their facade: rapid eye movements and blinking a lot. They have quicker and more reactive hand and arm gestures when talking.

The Counter Phobic Six will still talk a great deal about dangers and risks, but they will emphasize how unafraid they are. They want to anticipate dangers and to do something about them. “What needs to be done to handle this worst-case scenario before it’s too late?” Counter Phobic Sixes focus on preparation, tools, and plans. They also like to speak about us vs. them situations. They are usually loyal to one organization or authority because it brings a sense of belonging and security, and so they are active in promoting their own team. My church vs. your church. My corporation vs. your corporation. My sports team vs. your sports team.

This Six variant wants to show you they’re not afraid. Inside they are actually very afraid, but they handle it by creating safety in preparation, plans, a safe authority, and keeping risky people at a distance. In a strange mini-twist, the Counter Phobic Six will also be very wary of their chosen authority figure; they are obedient but distrustful. They will continually test the authority or organization, looking for red flags or warnings that something might become untrustworthy.

Counter Phobic Sixes are bold when they are healthy and authoritarian when they are stressed. In stress, they will expect submission from you, becoming contentious and argumentative. They will intentionally cause controversy, ask a lot of questions, and initiate arguments.

In summary, a Phobic Six is afraid. A Counter Phobic Six is afraid, but they will karate chop that fear into tiny, wee pieces. In doing their work and moving toward integration, both variants are confident, smart, decision-makers who are great friends and employees. You want a Six by your side in life!

*Photos by Jean-Philippe Delberghe , Travis Bozeman , Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

Introducing Your Host: An Interview with Enneagram Paths Writer Melissa Kircher

Posted on April 2, 2018April 2, 2018 by melissakircher

“The essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks.” ― Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian

Hello, fellow Enneagram lovers! Today on the blog we have a returning guest, Sam Greenberg, interviewing yours truly—Melissa—Enneagram Paths writer, creator, and a Type Five with Four Wing (5w4).

Sam and I connected on Twitter because we are both women Type Fives—shocking! Neither of us had met another woman Five before, so we e-met. It has been a bit like Christmas getting to email back and forth and ask each other all kinds of questions. She sent me some good, meaty ones that I think are really helpful if you are a Type Five, know a Five, or are in any kind of relationship with a Five. Enjoy all the nerdy mental processing about to come your way!

1. [Melissa] how do you avoid obsessively tinkering something to death before sharing it with the world? How do you know when something is “done”?

Oh, this hits me deep. I’m a visual artist and a writer and I’ve literally had to make it a wellness practice to cut off my projects at a certain point. Nothing ever feels perfect enough. I have loads of ideas—notebooks filled with ideas—and I can execute right up until the end. For some reason, the end of a project or painting feels like death, like someone is peeling off my skin. The energy of it gets all screwed up and where I was breezing through a piece with confidence at the beginning, I’m clawing with fingernails to the end. Understanding that this is a normal Type Five trait has helped me have grace on myself—sometimes. I try to be nice to the inner Melissa who gets caught in mental loops as she strives for perfection OR the fear that whatever it is will fail/not sell/not make a client happy. And in the art world, rejection and failure happen a lot—which is not fun for a Five like me. It reinforces my belief that I’m not competent and should give up. I have both self-published and traditionally published novels and I LOVE traditional publishing. My Five mind can’t handle all the minute details it takes to self-publish, give me editors and cover artists and please take all the executing of many to-do lists out of my poor, tired hands.

I do also have help bringing my work out into the world, I have a Type Three husband who kicks my butt, encourages me, and will take over some of the technical stuff when I feel overwhelmed. I also have a Four wing that creates a strong need for self-expression and visibility. Sometimes, I feel like a Four unicorn and that everyone else must recognize my unique specialness. (Said with heaps of sarcasm.)

2. What is your relationship to things like clothing/shopping, keeping the house clean, or remembering to go to the doctor?

In the clothing area, I am total a mix of Type Five and Type Four. I’m a thrift store junkie because I both abhor paying full-price for anything (cheapskate Five) and don’t want to look like anyone else (special snowflake Four). It’s really hard for me to spend money on anything; I get hives thinking about it and intense guilt after said money is spent—even if it’s on toilet paper! I’m working hard on generosity, on giving more to others and also trying to spend money on myself. For fun. Like normal folks do. My tendency to save and skimp is part of the Five hoarding of resources. It feels dangerous to take anything out of the bank.

Keeping the house clean is an obsession—that I hate. I have two kids now, which compounds this problem. Before kids, I had a very mishmash Five/Four home. It was super clean and minimalist, but also pretty. All our furniture is second-hand or refinished by me. I’m notorious for dumpster-diving and nabbing things off the side of the road. But the Four wing has a definite aesthetic and most people can’t tell how little cash I spend on making my home nice to look at. Now that I have kids, home is one area where the Arrow to Type Seven has kicked in. When I’m stressed, I clean the house. I angry clean. How dare these people live? How dare they drop a crumb? How dare they have specks of earth on their shoes? I’m trying to notice this spiral more—my kids start to feel like an infringement on my safety (I’m a self-preservation Five and home is my Castle of Isolation and Fortitude) and this creates a false need to clean. Instead, what I really need to do is to enter into the moment and enjoy the crazy, and/or sit down and rest.

Also, errands, doctor’s appointments, laundry, parent-teacher conferences, grocery shopping?? OMG, what a waste of my life and precious mental processing time! I try to pawn off as much as I can to the Three hubby who loves Getting. Things. Done. What stinks is that I’m actually super great at grocery shopping because I stick to the budget—life as a Five is so draining!

3. In our email exchange, you said you don’t navigate emotions easily. How has that been for you as an artist?

As an illustrator and painter, it’s easy. Give me good music or a deep podcast and I tap into my emotional self with ease. As a storyteller, one of my greatest weaknesses is presenting the emotions of characters. I can set a damn good scene, but I struggle to invite the reader into a character’s heart with emotion. I think as I do more work to integrate to my healthy Eight Arrow, emotions and a sense of bodily presence might more readily flow into my work.

4. What is your relationship to expressions of emotion such as crying? What about crying in front of other people?

My family does not tolerate crying. When I cried as a child my mother often told me I was, “Out of control.” So I learned to hide. My household was verbally and emotionally abusive and if I wanted to cry about it I had to go into the woods alone (without my Eight brother) or take a long shower where the sound of the water would drown out the sound of my tears. Now, as an adult, they still don’t allow me to cry. If I cry—or show any emotion—I’m told to “calm down” or “stop being ridiculous”. This from my mother, father, and brother.

So, crying about anything going on inside of myself feels shameful even though I will easily tear up when someone else is hurt or in pain—even people I don’t know. I can’t watch the news or see horrific things on the internet, it guts me. Most people find me incredibly empathetic and able to hold space for their emotions, but I’m total crap at feeling my own emotions. It will take a day or two for any emotion to kick in after a conflict or something that upsets me. The Enneagram work I’m doing now with a therapist is to discover my backbone—and to start to feel my emotions as they arise. I want to empathize with myself more. Curiously, bodywork like meditation and yoga have been helping my trapped emotions emerge and I cry more. But not yet very much about myself. And not yet very much in front of others. Work in progress!

5. How has it been for you being a parent?

It is the hardest thing ever. Ever. Ever-ever. As a Type Five and the most introverted introvert I’ve ever met, having a (for now) Type Seven child and Type Eight child with a Type Three husband has burnt the shit out of all my energy reserves. Oh my gosh. It’s so freaking hard. I can’t state enough the difficulty of caring so deeply about two beings (one who is adopted and that’s a whole other thing) and yet I don’t want to be around them 95% of the time.

I’m not nurturing and I’ve had to figure out how to be nurturing. I’m not in my body and yet I’ve had two tiny humans clinging to me all day. I thrive being left alone with my thoughts and these days not thirty seconds goes by without someone hollering, “Mom!”

I’m learning a ton about self-care. I got a therapist for my son who has Reactive Attachment Disorder to help me support him better. I’m learning from my kids: my Seven daughter teaches me to lighten up, laugh, and enjoy things! My Eight son teaches me to have boundaries and feel experiences with my body and that it’s okay to be angry. I have zero support from either side of our families and that is exhausting. I would love help, but I don’t get it, nor am I likely to. So, I’m having to ask for help from friends and also be okay with vetted summer camps and school programs that give me a break. My daughter is going to all day pre-school (she’s four-years-old) five days a week this year. I had to let go of my “mom expectations” and acknowledge that it was best for her and for me.

Seriously, parenting is teaching me all the good-hard things. It’s “brutiful” (brutal and beautiful). And yes, sometimes I do yell, “For the love, would you all just let me think?!”

6. My research is about human sexuality so I am most curious about your dating, romantic and intimate relationship experiences. How have those been for you? Sometimes Fives are so used to being powerless in the world that we like to exercise power in relationships. This would be more of the “shadow” side of 5 relationships.

Well, I’m a weird nut in that I’ve only ever dated my husband. No, it was not some crazy courting thing (not a Duggar), but I was super shy in my teens. I had lots of guy friends in high school because I relate better to males in general, but I definitely sent out an “I’m not available vibe”. Even though inside I was dying for romantic attention.

When I got to college and I finally came into myself, I became much more outgoing and starting dating the guy who would become my husband four years later. I have seen the shadow side of Five in our relationship more than any other. Fives tend to push off emotions and needs, but they build up. And when the dam bursts, it can be explosive! I have lost my freaking mind with my husband and exhibited behaviors like screaming at the top of my lungs or verbal bullying (I “word” him into a corner with insults and sarcasm and “logic”) This shadow side emerges only when every last inch of my boundaries have been crossed and I can’t take any more. The problem is I don’t communicate my feelings or needs or boundaries! So, when a Five finally speaks up, it’s often in a roar. We’ve been pushed past our limits. I’m finding grace for myself when this happens and actively working to make it not part of my life.

The key for me is to learn to start speaking up in small ways about my emotions, needs, and boundaries. I have to let people into my inner world a bit at a time. Then blowups are prevented because I don’t have a giant backlog of grievances and unfelt emotions.

It’s really scary, but I’ve started doing this with my husband and friends and have found so much health and healing in letting out emotions and needs as they arise.

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Interviewer Sam E. Greenberg is a writer and researcher, currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Integral and Transpersonal Psychology. Her research interests include human sexuality and relationships, personality theory and ego structures (including the Enneagram!), psychospiritual wellness, social power dynamics, and mechanisms for addressing implicit bias. In her “spare” time, Samantha enjoys dancing, traveling, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her inscrutable dog, Luna. You can find her on Twitter @IntroverteDiva

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Melissa Kircher is an artist, writer, and student of the Enneagram. You can find her work on both Enneagram Paths and her website www.melissakircher.com. She’s currently working toward an Enneagram teaching certification and hopes to offer Enneagram mentoring services late 2018. You can connect with her on Twitter @enneagrampaths and Instagram @enneagrampaths.

*Photos by Park Troopers , Kat J, Thought Catalog on Unsplash