Tag: Enneagram

Enneagram Object Relations

Enneagram Object Relations

Posted on by melissakircher

Today we’re diving into a corner of Enneagram theory world via the brilliant Belinda Gore.

“Basic to Enneagram Object Relations theory is the concept that the ego-self, or personality, develops only in relation to something else. This something else is called the Other. We develop the ego structures we come to know as ourselves through early experiences interacting with key people and objects.” – Belinda Gore

As humans, we have three core needs: protection, nurturing, and belonging. For each of the nine Enneagram types, our child psyche perceives one of these core needs as being specifically unmet. This lack leaves behind a deep, often unrecognized wound—a persistent need that compels us to respond unconsciously with either frustration, over-attachment, or rejection. Each of the nine Enneagram type structures represents a unique strategy crafted by the ego to cope with and address this perceived lack. I’ve listed all the types and their object relation structures below. Scroll down to find your type. What do you think? Does this theory resonate for you?

To learn more, visit Gore’s website: https://belindagore.com/enneagram/

Type 1

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me have failed. They’ve fallen short, so I’ve had to form rigid rules and boundaries that keep things ideal and in check. I often sense frustration boiling under the surface and deal with it by making sure I engineer specific outcomes.

Type 2

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me didn’t care to do so. I deal with this pain by unconsciously rejecting my wound. I turn my attention outward and lose myself in the lives of others, making sure I’m constantly ignoring myself. I don’t want to feel that lack again.

Type 3

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I deal with this pain by trying to offer relational resources to others. I’m not too vulnerable or invulnerable so that people keep me around. I’m constantly adapting my external behavior to receive positive responses from others, which feels like nurturing.

Type 4

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I never entirely belonged. I deal with this lonely sensation by noticing my dissatisfaction with life and people. I’m idealistic and picky, both longing for others to include me and yet never feeling that reality meets the sense of inclusion I crave. I turn inward to provide for myself.

Type 5

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that I don’t really belong in the world. I deal with this feeling by removing the possibility of relational disappointment. I’m hermit-like because I tell myself I don’t like people while secretly longing for community and connection. I reject others before they can reject me.

Type 6

Lack: Protection

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that people who were supposed to protect me were not trustworthy. I deal with this pain by collecting a community and procuring reassurance from others. I’m very aware of what needs to be attended to to keep us all safe. I continually adjust so that you will stick around if I need you.

Type 7

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Frustration

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I soothe this dissatisfaction by replacing nurturing with obtaining whatever my heart desires. I deny my frustration, staving it off with endless doing, fun, and lightheartedness. Yet, I feel hollowness the whole time and long for an ideal kind of love.

Type 8

Lack: Nurturing

Coping Mechanism: Rejection

Over the span of my life, I have felt a gnawing sense that I was not nurtured enough. I reject this wound and delude myself into thinking I’m invulnerable and that emotions don’t matter. I use my body, strength, and power to deny the pain and desire for care I feel in my heart. I reject my heart and keep it locked away, even from myself.

Type 9

Lack: Belonging

Coping Mechanism: Attachment

Over the span of my life, I’ve felt a gnawing sense that my true self didn’t matter much, that I wasn’t important enough to belong. To assuage this ache, I go along with people, adapting to what they want from me so they keep me around. I tell myself it’s good to be easygoing while still longing to be known and accepted.

Grief & The Enneagram Part II: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Grief & The Enneagram Part II: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Posted on by melissakircher

Welcome back to this three-part grief and Enneagram series. To summarize why this series is so important let’s revisit an excerpt from the last post:

“Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward. Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.

This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.”

Today, I want to unpack three more type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.

Type Four

Type Fours are known for being comfortable with melancholy and conflicting emotions and are often wonderful people for grievers to speak with when their own hearts cannot figure out how to survive a heavy loss.

Fours believe they are fundamentally different, which, in grief, can also lead them to spiral down a road of overthinking. They try to sort their emotions into a grief identity that makes sense yet remains unique.

But what we don’t often see in Type Fours is the propensity for forward motion. Grief is not about learning to move on; it’s about integrating our losses into our identity in a way that allows us to become more nuanced, intentional, and whole. There is no one more adept at adjusting to big, heavy emotions in an integrative way than Fours.

When they live in their heart center, Fours become witty, clever, insightful, and clear-minded. They work through grief productively, thinking intentionally rather than in a circular way. As a result, Fours begin to spiral upward with high energy and healing for themselves and others.

Type Five

Type Fives are full of wisdom, depth, and intelligence. They look for depth with each question, perfectly delighted to chase ideas down whatever obscure path they find. Because Fives are typically introspective and thoughtful, we assume that grief is something they’ve sorted out. Perhaps Fives have learned how to detach from the pain and therefore experience no grief at all?

Not true. What really happens for a grieving Type Five is that their mental wheels spin faster than ever. You may perceive them as cold and calculated, yet Fives are truly empathetic, deeply attuned people. They search for answers to relieve suffering or lack, but that’s not something available in grief. Not truly.

When Fives are able to become embodied – really connecting to the center of who they are – they will find strength outside of knowledge. Type Fives who allow themselves to take action toward reintegration of their whole selves become authoritative, confident, and compassionate to others and themselves.

Once Type Fives accept a thoughtful path toward healing for themselves, they will become the leaders you always suspected they could become. Their emotional side will surface with intention and grounding, leading others to heal, as well.

Type Six

Type Sixes aren’t strangers to thinking about grief – in fact, Sixes are hyper-aware of potential grief events and do all they can to minimize possible loss before it happens. Once introduced to their story, grief drives secure, steady Sixes into overdrive for resolution.

Then, natural cynicism surfaces, affirming their belief that all things are inherently untrustworthy. This draws Type Sixes further away from integration, where they would experience a settled spirit and an understanding of their secure place in the world, even when threatened by grief.

However, when Sixes embrace grief as truth, they gain new insight about the facts of their life circumstances. They acknowledge their lack of control in loss and recognize the grief in their life is not the end of the story. As they begin healing, their lighthearted, confident nature emerges.

Grief changes Sixes for the better, so long as they process their experiences as survivable. Not in a “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” platitude way, but through gaining soul-deep, inherent wisdom about the nature of life and loss.

Type Sixes long to express their free-spirited, lighthearted, fun side. When grief doesn’t destroy them, Sixes learn they can find a way to trust others and survive the most intimidating pain because life is so much richer than navigating around fear.

Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.

Grief & The Enneagram Part I: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Grief & The Enneagram Part I: Guest Post by Mandy Capehart

Posted on by melissakircher

Grief work is not easy. We assume those who grieve are sad all the time, wallowing in their feelings and crying over every reminder of their loss. Often, grievers feel avoided and ignored because no one wants to accidentally make the griever feel worse. The same is true of the Enneagram – when a friend knows your Enneagram type, you may find they behave differently based on what they expect you to do or say in response. 

While this can be frustrating, getting to know ourselves better is the only way to disarm these harmful and dismissive assumptions. Grief and Enneagram shadow work are very similar in their approach and application. In both instances, we wrestle with the unknown sides of life that indicate unacknowledged pain, confusion, or disruption to our path forward.

Effective grief and Enneagram work provides a framework for understanding ourselves and embracing new ways of thinking about our lives and circumstances. The more we learn, the more we realize we are unique individuals. The nuance of our individuality causes our grief journey to be like a fingerprint. Even when some stereotypes apply, there is always a part of our spirit that needs a little more intention.

This journey allows us to cultivate the compassion needed to find movement through our pain. As you embrace the truth of grief in your life, you may find that learning more about your Enneagram type provides extra support.

Today, I want to unpack type misconceptions and how they can lead us to incorrect assumptions about how we “should” feel and move through our grief stories. We already know that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for all. We can reckon with the stereotypical reactions in our enneagram types that act as easy excuses to avoid the deeper, more intimate work of pursuing healing in our grief.

Type One

Type Ones are often perceived as hard, black and white, and intense. They’re known for their strict boundaries and their ever-present inner critic keeping them on track (and held back). 

In grief, this can look like the person chasing down justice for themselves, trying to find the right way to grieve. But no right way exists, and there is often no real justice for the loss we experience. We have no one to blame, so we tend to blame ourselves. If only we could have found a better path, or made better decisions, maybe we wouldn’t be feeling this much pain.

Yet, Type One’s have access to lightheartedness and a playful demeanor. These integration characteristics will move them through melancholic overthinking and onto a path of restoration. When a Type One embraces the unknown with an expectation of warmth on the other end, they can begin to release their rigid expectations of doing grief “correctly.”

Grievers know two emotions can exist at the same time – because there is gray space in life. When a Type One recognizes ambiguity, their laughter returns, despite sad feelings that remain. And this is the path forward.

Type Two

Type Twos are known for being selfless, casual, and willing to set all their needs aside for the well-being of others. They keep their own emotions close to the vest with an intent to serve — which masks their sense of self.

This can mean they don’t actually grieve! Don’t get me wrong, Twos feel deeply and experience grief personally in their lives. But grief itself and the act of grieving are wildly different, and most of the time, Twos can’t move beyond their default coping mechanism of caring for others.

When Type Twos see the truth that their serving is a safety net, things will shift. They become more introspective and introverted, choosing to move toward their own sense of need and healing in a way that disarms the manic energy to serve others.

This integrated Two becomes a total Zen-master, learning how to engage their inner world with the insight and compassion typically reserved for others. From here, they can teach others how to do the same without needing to do it for them. They release the desire to control or manipulate and instead learn to let themselves and others feel their feelings — even when they’re sad.

Type Three

Type Threes are passionate, externally focused, driven, charismatic, and positive. However, the changing masks of a Three make it harder for their genuine emotions to surface. In seasons of grief, this becomes more evident.

Threes need to know they are safe to fall apart, and that level of trust doesn’t come easily. So many Threes will convince others and themselves they’re doing fine. Barely impacted at all, even. Sure, grief is sad, and, like everyone else, they feel sad about the loss. But for the most part, a Three may seem even-keeled and smooth as glass on the outside.

Internally, however, a war is waging. Type Threes who learn to engage their repressed emotions and feel intentionally can be incredibly supportive and loving to themselves and others. Threes are usually supportive, but learning to authentically and honestly support themselves means they also have to drop the act of having it together all the time.

Emotionally healthy Threes will be honest with their safe few when they are overwhelmed, grieving, and need help. The hard part for grieving Threes is that while they believe their masks are intact, everyone else can see the facade cracking. The pressure of loss is too heavy to bear alone, and a Three can move into a place of cooperation for their own healing when the atmosphere is safe enough.

Part 2 & 3 Coming Soon!

Mandy Capehart is an author, speaker, and certified grief and life coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is the founder of The Restorative Grief Project, an online community of grievers and grief supporters looking for movement while they heal. Her first book is titled, “Restorative Grief: Embracing our losses without losing ourselves,” released in 2021. This is a memoir and 31 day guidebook for managing grief and growth in the aftermath of loss, no matter how long it lasts. You can hear more about her grief work on her podcast, Restorative Grief with Mandy Capehart. She also co-hosts The Uncomfortable Grace Podcast, where space is held for growth amid the messy middle-parts of life.

Ted Lasso and the Enneagram

Ted Lasso and the Enneagram

Posted on by melissakircher

Hello Enneagram Paths friends! Today, something fun and totally new for me, typing characters from a TV show. Full disclosure, it took much cajoling by my husband and a podcast by Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach to convince me to try Ted Lasso. Episode one made me want to to peel all my skin off; it was that uncomfortable. But, by episode two, I was in love with sports and every single character.

Usually, I steer clear of typing fictional characters or public figures because one can only guess and never truly know. Only Jason Sudeikis and the others writers will ever be able to definitely say if a type is correct or not. However, this show is so masterfully crafted I had to give it a go!

Here are my Ted Lasso type guesses so far. I’d expect disagreement, and that’s okay! Please feel free to leave your take in the comments, and let’s have some fun with this 🙂

Roy Kent: 8

Stress move to 5 shows up in taciturn, nihilistic withdrawal that affects his energy. Average 8 would be earlier in his career when he was a force of nature. Health move to 2 shows up as he protects the underdogs, reveals vulnerability, and has a huge heart.

Keeley Jones: 9

Average 9 is her warmth, ability to get along with everyone, and create team unity with true understanding. Stress is 6 anxiety smoking and freaking out about her life choices. Health 3 is when she breaks up with Jamie, owns what she needs with Roy, and crushes her job.

Ted Lasso: 7

Average 7 has him optimistic to the point of weird, yet likable even with his manic energy. He’s endearing. Stress 1 energy shows up when winning matters or his pain threatens to come out of hiding. I think we’ll see healthy 5 emerge through therapy and as he embraces the full spectrum of his emotions.

“Nate” Shelley: 6

Average phobic 6 is being wary, skittish, and prepared for the worst to happen to him. Health 9 shows up when he relaxes into good things showing up in his life. Traumatic parents quickly turn this energy into stress 3 where it’s all about ego and dominating.

Rebecca Welten: 3

Average 3 has her fixated on her looks, public image, and hidden revenge. Stress to 9 shows when she eats her feelings, can’t stand up to mum, and lets her ex walk all over her. Health 6 is embracing team unity, letting others love her, and working for the greater good.

Coach Beard: 5

Average 5 is brilliant, but behind the scenes. Keeps his personality hidden. Offbeat loner who maintains his life in secluded sections. Health 8 is throwing Jamie’s dad out of the locker room like a true leader-protector. Stress 7 is beginning to show with drinking and toxic relationship with Jane.

Dani Rojas: 7

I mean, do I have to explain this one? (wink) He’s happiness on eight million cups of coffee. I think healthy 5 energy shows up in his ability to hone in and focus on a singular thing: soccer. I also think his stress move to 1 shows up in soccer as well; he’s obsessed with it and pursues it to perfection. I’m looking forward to learning more about Dani’s story as season two unfolds.

Jamie Tartt: 3

Average 3 is his whole Jame Tartt persona that hides a wounded son heart seeking approval. Stress 9 energy lets his team down and trade happen without a fight. He gives in to a “whatever happens happens” mentality. Health 6 shows as he realizes he can shine bright AND also help his team win. He becomes loyal and truly magnetic.

Higgins: 2 or 6

I can’t tell yet! He’s loyal yet nervous like a 6, but helpful and longs to be needed like a 2. Both types enjoy getting the recognition they justly deserve, and we see this with Higgins. His motivation is a heart-centered love of his family and I see self-preservation in doing what it takes to keep his job.

I hope you enjoyed these Ted Lasso Enneagram type guesses. Share some of your own! I’m still watching Sam, Dr. Fieldstone, Isaac, and Trent Crimm (maybe he’s a 1?). I adore this show and am so glad for some awesome TV storylines these days!

My Enneagram Box: Review

My Enneagram Box: Review

Posted on by melissakircher

Hello Enneagram Paths friends! Today, I’m excited to share something a little different with you all, a review. A couple of months ago, a new company called My Enneagram Box reached out to me and asked if I’d be willing to check out their new box subscription service based on the nine Enneatypes. The box came last week and… It. Was. So. Fun.

Here is the company’s mission statement:

“My Enneagram Box is a quarterly subscription box based on your Enneagram type, delivered to
your doorstep! Each box is uniquely curated to make the Enneagram tangible by including items that foster growth, celebrate uniqueness, and encourage self-care.”

I admit I was a little skeptical about things/gifts based on type; there is a risk that type boxes could be a little shallow in the wrong hands. How delightful it was to find out this is not the case with My Enneagram Box!

My Enneagram Box comes beautifully packaged with materials that are paper-based and recyclable – Earth win! And the contents are super cool. I found myself both emotionally moved and laughing while unpacking everything inside.

The first thing that sticks out to me is a note from the company, specially catered to the type receiving the box. It included positive, integrated aspects of a Type 5 and reminded me that I have unique gifts to offer the world. You can tell My Enneagram Box put a lot of heart into the note and it was well-received.

Now to the goodies! This box came with six different gifts. The first was a whole bag of Type 5 coffee from a company I already love, Enneagram Coffee. Having already tasted and approved this brew, I was thrilled to see that these two companies have teamed up. Trust me; it’s a good cup of coffee. Next was a beautifully designed packet of “Untranslatable Words.” I laughed and was then immediately intrigued, reading through them like the curious little monster I am. Then came the “I Need Some Serious Me Time” journal, which is both humorous and inviting to Type 5s who can always use more resources on how to care for themselves well.

I loved the two smaller items in the box, Placebos’ “Confidence” and “Believe In Yourself” lip balm.

And the piece de resistance of this particular iteration of the Type 5 box: a “Personal Library Kit” by Knock Knock’s. Did I nerd out over this? Yes, yes, I did. The kit includes old-school return packets (self-adhesive) for the back of your books, a date stamp and ink pad, and twenty checkout cards. Will I be using this? Yes, yes, I will!

Lastly, there is a sheet that recommends nine Enneagram Instagram accounts to follow for tons of excellent Enneagram content. I’m honored and delighted that My Enneagram Box included @EnneagramPaths on this list:)

Overall, I am blown away by how carefully curated this box is, striking the perfect mix of seriousness, heart, and levity. I think any Type 5 would felt seen and known when opening this box. I’d wholeheartedly recommend buying a box subscription for yourself as well as all nine types of your friends and family. Support this fledgling business today; you won’t be sorry!

Check out: Myenneagrambox.com for their next round of boxes or to get a box delivered per quarter. And make sure to follow them on Instagram at @myenneagrambox. Enjoy!

Mistyping : The Enneagram Journey

Posted on by melissakircher

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What is the most common bewailment I see on EnneaTwitter these days? You guessed it:

“I’m so confused, I can’t figure out my type. Please help!”

If you are a human person (there has been a rather large surge in cat typing lately) and trying to figure out your type, please read this short blog about mistyping to make yourself feel better. Will this be the blog that finally lands the plane about whether you’re a Type Two or Type Four? No. You will, sadly, like the rest of us plebes, have to keep reading all the great books and blogs out there and continue trudging on the journey to self-discovery.

Because, most importantly, only you can type you. 

Yes, truth. Probably the most infuriating thing about mistyping is that in the quest for answers, it’s easy to forget that everything needed lies within. The quizzes might point you in the right direction or they might confuse you.siora-photography-k-g-kt1vahs-unsplash.jpg They are tools, just like books, blogs, and podcasts are all tools to facilitate the teaching of the Enneagram so you can decide all on your own what hellish/amazing path of self-work, compassion, growth, and revelation to take. Finding out your type is not as simple as picking a number, it’s discovering what survival skills your brain, nurturing, personality, and circumstances created to help you get to the very place where you realize they’re not so hot anymore.

We don’t hate them; they kept you safe. But once you find your type, it’s, “I love you type for getting me this far and now I need to rediscover the myriad freaking amazing qualities about my true self I forgot.”

The Enneagram is a lot of work you all!

And on this path of self-discovery, it is utterly normal and totally expected that you will mistype yourself.

I might even dare to say that mistyping is part of the typing process.

This can happen for so many different reasons. I’ll list a few:

1.Trauma

2.Abuse

3. Societal expectations/ cultural conditioning

4. Gender identification

5. Sexual identity

6. Family history & expectations

7. Stress

8. Illness

9. Body image issues

10. Religious upbringing

11. Being human

Honestly, that’s really the thing. Being human means that most likely everyone will mistype at some point. (Even Eights. Yes, I know you Eights are always the first to be all, “Not me!” But maybe you’re not an Eight, maybe you’re a stressed-the-fuck-out Two and in a year you’ll figure that out.)

Here are a couple things I’ve found helpful during the typing and mistyping process. Keep in mind that I’m a 5w4 and spent an entire year thinking for sure I was a Type Four. Turns out that I’m only partially a snowflake and mostly a nerd turtle! So I understand your confusion, but it will get better, I promise.

1. Look at the number you think you are and research its stress and health arrows. Become familiar with what behaviors that type might exhibit when healthy and when stressed out. Do you exhibit any of the same thought, feeling, and doing patterns? Consider that you might be either the stressed number or the healthy number of the type you originally started with.

2. Think about how you move around in the world. Do you seem like a person who lives and breathes your feelings? Is everything about emotion and relationships? If so, a good place to start is the Heart Triad: Numbers Two, Three, and Four.

Do you think, think, and think some more? Is everything carefully planned or researched? Then investigate the Head Triad: Numbers Five, Six, and Seven.

Are you a do-er? Is acting from your gut second nature? You just know what to do and go out and make it happen? Start with the Body Triad: Numbers Eight, Nine, and One.

3. Stances. Stances, in brief, are the energy planes in which you unconsciously live and emote and think.  They also relate to how you orient yourself to time.

Threes, Sevens, and Eights are in the Aggressive Stance and go out to meet the world with lots of energy and force of will. They tend to do what they want and accomplish things with zest and passion. They are also future-oriented, meaning their thoughts and feelings are often forecasts of what they think will happen, not what’s actually occurring in the moment.

Fours, Fives, and Nine are in the Withdrawing Stance which means they find equilibrium by removing themselves from the world to process or deal with the events that life throws at them. They are past-oriented, tending to dwell on memories or things that have just happened, often filtering the now through the then.

Twos, Sixes, and Ones are in the Compliant Stance which means they move along with the people and events around them, not quite being in touch with their own energy. They mold into what is either expected of them or what they feel is expected. They are present-oriented, having a grasp of the moment, but little thought goes to the future or remembrance of the past.

I hope that helps a bit on your typing journey. Remember to be kind to yourself, it all takes time. Time and love.

-Melissa

 

 

 

 

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Interview with Type Nine: Kelsey Vaughn

Posted on by melissakircher

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“Peace is more than the absence of war. Peace is accord. Harmony.”
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

Today on the Enneagram Paths Blog we are lucky to hear from Kelsey Vaughn, an Enneagram Type Nine. Nines are often called “The Peacemakers,” but they are so much more complex and wonderful than a one-line label. Nines are usually are pleasant people, calming to be around, grounded, and fun. They work hard for causes they believe in and stand up for injustice. They love fiercely and are loyal friends. I need to do a Type Nine basics post soon!

Happy to have you, Kelsey, let’s get to it!

1. When and how did you discover that you are a Type Nine?

I took an online Enneagram test in college but felt like my results didn’t really fit me, and didn’t think much of it for a couple of years after that. Then I started seeing a therapist who does some work with the Enneagram, and found out that I’m a Nine, which fits me much better than whatever I was mistyped as before!

2. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike?

I love that I’m able to bring peace into people’s lives. I love that I’m adaptable and able to bond with people by adopting their interests and passions. I love that I can understand and empathize with almost anyone. I dislike my tendency to withdraw from conflict and my lack of tolerance for it. I also don’t like that it often takes me a long time to process the needs of people I care about and come up with appropriate responses.

3. What happens to your closest relationships when you’re stressed and go to Arrow Type Six? What happens when you’re healthy and go to Arrow Type Three? 

When I’m stressed, my ability to empathize with other people suffers, and I get increasingly drawn into negative thought spirals that center on my own insecurities. It becomes difficult for me to function in relationships because I withdraw from whatever conflict is present, and I completely blame myself for it. I also tend to lose body awareness when I’m stressed, which makes it hard to be physically present. When I’m healthier and moving towards Type Three, I become more motivated and energetic, taking on new projects and seeking new experiences with my loved ones. I’m much more able to focus on the positive things in my life.

4. How does narcotizing or numbing affect your daily life? Do you find yourself checking out on both your inner and outer experiences?

I often use my phone or computer to narcotize when I’m stressed. I’ll get sucked into repetitive games, or obsessively scroll through social media. This also contributes to feelings of disembodiment. I check out of external events much more quickly than my inner experience, but if things get too intense, eventually I start losing my train of thought and even momentarily forget why I am upset.

5. What do you wish other people understood about being a Type Nine?

I wish people understood that our desire to avoid or mitigate conflict doesn’t mean we don’t care. And that just because we can see both sides of an argument doesn’t mean that we’re unwilling to stand up for what we believe in.

6. Do you know what your Wing is? Can you talk about how your Wing shades aspects of being a Nine (for you)?

I’m still learning about wings and how they function. I think I am more of a 9w1 because I do have some perfectionist tendencies and can get preoccupied with doing things “right” or having the correct answer. I’m starting to learn how to lean into my 8w more because it helps me to process feelings of anger (not a fun thing for a Nine) and helps me to stand up for myself and be assertive.

7. What would the phrase, “You can handle being fully yourself and fully present in body, mind, and spirit,” mean to you if you knew it to be deeply true?

To me, that phrase would mean that I am able to stand on my own and fully inhabit my place in the world. It would mean a letting go of insecurity and a feeling of connection to my inner guidance.

8. Are there any spiritual practices you are drawn to as a Type Nine?

I’ve been drawn to various different spiritual practices throughout my life. The ones that have called to me most have been meditation, deep reading/Lectio Divina, and the observance of seasons and cycles, whether that be within the context of a liturgical year or through creating my own set of ceremonies. I also enjoy creative pursuits like writing, playing music, and knitting, and have found them to be spiritually fulfilling.

9. How has learning about your Enneagram Type changed the way you view yourself or others? 

Learning about the Enneagram has completely changed the way I relate to others and the way I view myself. I think the biggest change has been recognizing that there are different levels of health and integration and that a person under stress might act very differently from how they act when they’re in a healthy place. This perspective helps me to give much more grace to myself and others. I’m able to focus more on providing what someone might need to get back to a more integrated state.

10. Talk about what the words Anger, Bravery, and Goals mean to you today.

Anger is a mystery to me some days, but today I am trying to see it less like a force of destruction and more as a force for change and justice. Bravery is a quality I have leaned into hard this year, and I’m proud of myself for the brave things I’ve done. As for Goals, I’m living pretty moment-to-moment right now, but I’m hoping soon to take some time and create some long-term goals for myself.

 

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Bio: Hi, I’m Kelsey! I’m a queer nerdy woman living in Portland, OR. I work for a nonprofit that provides opportunities for kids to take music lessons regardless of their ability to pay for them. I love writing, knitting, playing piano, playing board games, and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Twitter: @kvaughn64

 

*Cover Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

 

A Look at Anger and Enneagram Types

Posted on by melissakircher

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“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
― Maya Angelou

Most of us are taught that if we feel angry, the best course of action is to suppress it. Anger is one emotion on the spectrum of emotions that every healthy human should allow themselves to feel. But we don’t get mad. Instead, we keep our rage hidden, stuff it down, and this leads to a whole slew of unhealthy ways that anger tends to weasel its way out of us. A wise friend once told me that anger shows us where things in life aren’t fair, and I loved her description. Now, when I feel wrathful, I try to figure out what isn’t fair in my life, a relationship, or the world.

Instead of working so damn hard to keep our anger at bay, here are some suggestions — by Type — to physically and safely express our anger.

Type 1 – The simmering rage is there all the time. Things aren’t perfect, and people let you down. You can either moralize your anger away and emotionally explode OR you can punch the hell out of a punching bag and accept your anger needs an outlet.

Type 2 – You give, but you don’t receive as much as you need. People don’t anticipate how to love you best. This creates anger. Running, kickboxing, even yoga might be ways to physically vent how upset you are.

Type 3 – You explode when you fail and then you blame others for exploding, trying to offload the guilt. You need to pre-express anger through boxing or martial arts as a way to access your deeper emotions before they spill onto others.

Type 4 – Your anger comes out pretty often, and it’s super dramatic. You thrive on drama. BUT, authentic anger isn’t drama, it’s admitting things aren’t fair, and you are hurt. A physical practice like running or boxing could help even out and deepen your experience of anger.

Type 5 – You know you’re the original badass, right?! You need proactive anger outlets like martial arts, boxing, or running to angry music or all that withdrawing and passivity will physically explode on someone in an unhealthy way.

Type 6 – Anger for you would be a healthy way to vent some of your fear and feel more empowered. Physically showing anger by screaming in the woods or your car, stomping your feet, or boxing would be ways to get in touch with your inner power.

Type 7 – You breeze over your rage, but then find addictive ways to express it. Swimming, running, and kickboxing are all fast-moving ways that you can access your anger, but process it and not feel trapped by it. Remember, all emotions pass.

Type 8 – You probably already have a gym membership and know all of the ways to physically vent your ever-constant need to spout off. Keep this up, but also introduce self-awareness to your practices. Your anger masks a tender, bleeding heart that you need to feel from time to time.

Type 9 – Sign up for the gym or hire a personal trainer. Get in touch with your body. Once that happens, you’ll begin to feel that things actually bother you sometimes and now you’ll have a safe, healthy space to express your anger.

 

*Photo by Justin Ng on Unsplash

 

 

Enneagram 9w1 vs 9w8

Posted on by melissakircher

What is the function of the Enneagram wings? In brief, the wings serve as an enhancement of the basic type, they bring out different centers or magnify the (body, heart, mind) center already present in the type, and they introduce different variations of the basic type. Let’s look at the two wings for Type Nine.

Type Nine with a One Wing (9w1)

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We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” ― Gwendolyn Brooks

In Integration: 

9w1s in health (or integration) are people who combine the desire for peace of a Type Nine with the responsibility and moral obligation of a Type One. They follow the rules and fulfill what is expected of them because they truly want to create a harmonious society — and feel they have a duty to do so. They desire to do good and be good. 9w1s have double body center. 9w1s are generally nice people, like all Nines, and the One wing adds judicious and tactful tendencies. The One wing helps the Nine have a sense of acceptable social behaviors and good conduct. This subtype is much more reserved and orderly than 9w8s. They are less prone to bursts of anger like the other subtype. 9w1s are often spiritually oriented people. They connect to the flow of the universe like the Nine, but the One wing allows them to channel their spiritual experiences into daily practices like yoga, prayer, meditation, the reading of sacred texts, and reflection. The One wing is so helpful to the Nine in this way because spiritual practices help the Nine to restore their inner balance when it’s disrupted. Peace (both inner and outer) is vital to a Nine’s well-being and the One wing creates a drive in a healthy Nine to devote energy to bringing peace into the world. They are adept and patient mediators, social justice initiators, wise sages showing others different paths to the Divine, and generally, they seek to create unity wherever they go. You will experience a 9w1 as a comforting, calm, person who has a firm belief that their efforts towards harmony are important in creating a better world.

In Stress/Disintegration:  In stress, 9w1s goes to the low side of both numbers. They are people who desire peace no matter what. Their anger, feelings, and opinions are repressed in order to sustain this peace, and they do their very best to ignore anything that will disrupt inner and outer harmony. They will put up with abusive behavior from others, they will disregard things that are unfair, and they become inert in the face of challenges. Nines in stress check out naturally, but the One wing compounds this desire to disconnect from everything, including themselves. This detachment can extend for many years, as long as 9w1s remain stressed and cope in unhealthy ways. This can lead to many 9w1s experiencing depression. A 9w1 in disintegration will also exhibit some of the perfectionistic tendencies of Type One. They can start to be obsessively organized, stubbornly insisting that things in life be done the right way and put in proper order. A 9w1 won’t get angry, but they will have attitudes of censure and bitterness.

Type Nine with an Eight Wing (9w8)

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“When two brothers are busy fighting, an evil man can easily attack and rob their poor mother. Mankind should always stay united, standing shoulder to shoulder so evil can never cheat and divide them.” ― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

In Integration: 

9w8s in health are pleasant, agreeable people who also exude an innate sense of authority. They are also a double body center. 9w8s bring a stable, calm, firm, and solid energy into places and situations. The Eight wing brings an aura of strength to the easygoing Type Nine. Their strength is much more reserved and detached than the aggression and raw power of the pure Type Eight, though. The Eight wing helps the Nine to move through life with more common sense, directness, and a take-charge attitude. 9w8s can be leaders, CEOs of big corporations, or politically inclined. (I often wonder if President Obama is either a 9w8 or 9w1.) They are usually very cool under pressure and don’t resort to despair in the face of crisis. Other people truly like and follow 9w8 leaders because they are powerful and compelling, while also being kindhearted, serene, and pleasant.

In Stress/Disintegration: 

In stress, 9w8s take on the low side of Type Nine and the low side of Type Eight. This creates a very strong internal tension because the Nine desires harmony at all costs and the Eight desires to express anger and engage in conflict. Usually, a stressed out 9w8 will be compliant and try to move away from conflict, except for the times when the Eight wing roars and the Nine suddenly explodes. These eruptions of anger serve to try to communicate to people in their lives that a Nine’s boundaries have been crossed. The Eight wing also propels the Nine to step into conflict at the very end in order to diffuse and wrap up a fight in a direct, efficient manner. This allows the 9w8 to then move back to a place of harmony as quickly as possible. 9w8s are not as upset by their anger as 9w1s would be, they don’t feel guilty about it. Their desire is to get back to inner and outer peace; their feeling of normal. One distinguishing feature of the disintegrated 9w8 is their tendency to dissociate from others and their own feelings, all while exacting revenge on people who have wronged them. They are dispassionately vengeful. And like a Type Eight, once you are on their bad side, you are blacklisted forever. They might seem nice and act socially polite, but any kind of relationship with them will be over for good.

The View From Type Two

Posted on by melissakircher

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“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ― John Holmes

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

This week I’m lucky to have Jess Bedsole on Enneagram Paths to talk about her experiences being an Enneagram Type Two. As we read interviews, I think it’s so important to remember that every person is different no matter if they have the same Type. The Enneagram does not fit us into nine restricting boxes, instead, it allows us to be dynamic, ever-changing, unique human beings. Thank you, Jess, for sharing your perspective and what it means to be a Two from your individual point of view!

1. Talk to us a little about what it feels like to be intensely attuned to other people’s needs. How does this attunement play out in your everyday life?

I feel guilty if I know someone could use my help and I’m not providing it. Even after the fact, if I have witnessed someone in need of help (an elderly person crossing the street, or a dog tied up and tangled, or a person who needed help opening a door because their hands were full) and wasn’t in the mood or able to help them, it sits like a stone in my stomach — indefinitely. I constantly replay in my mind that I did not help them and feel unrelenting guilt over it. I do try to keep a balanced mindset and focus on helping my children and friends who are closest to me, but when I see a stranger in need and I am unable to help them, it really bothers me in retrospect.

2. What do you feel like would happen if you took time for self-care, for silence and rest, and/or invested in activities that made just you feel happy and fulfilled?

I rode horses for fifteen years in my youth. Since being married and starting a family I had released that part of myself. Recently, a friend offered me the opportunity to start riding again. My problem is I can’t find any time in our family schedule to consistently call my own. I have no problem telling my children that I am working on something, reading a book or going to take a shower on a daily basis. I also have no problem taking a night off now and then to go to the movies with a friend or see a show. It’s the idea of setting a consistent time for only myself to do something I enjoy that makes me feel guilty. Honestly, I feel a little panicked about it. I feel like I would be letting my family down, so at the moment I can’t bring myself to go back and ride horses.

3. Type Two’s are in the Heart Triad, which means you experience the world through emotion/relationship. How does this lens of heart impact your actions and thoughts? Are you aware of thoughts and do you feel your body much?

rawpixel-567024-unsplash.jpgI tend to speak before I think. I speak directly from what I’m feeling, with no filter that this may not be something appropriate or what others would want to hear. In my heart, it feels like “what I feel is something that will help them” or ” they should know this”. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, I can get into trouble for being too brutally honest. When I’m stressed I don’t notice or accept it until my muscles are spasming and my tension headaches are debilitating. My body has to tell me to stop and slow down because my brain does not.

4. What do you love about your number? What do you hate about your number?

I didn’t want to accept that I’m a Type Two! When I initially read the Type descriptions, I skipped over Two because I assumed I wasn’t a “Helper”. However, since accepting my number, I’ve started to see how it is who I truly am. I love sending suggestions to others about things that worked for me, positive experiences I had, or how I got myself out of a cycle with my kids or husband.

5. What are some things you wish other people knew or understood about being a Two?

I wish people understood that I’m not trying to pry or be rude, I believe my advice and experiences can help them. Some people just aren’t interested in the help.

6. What happens in your relationships when you’re stressed and move to your Arrow Type Eight? What happens in your relationships when you’re healthy and move to your Arrow Type Four?

When I head toward Arrow Type Eight, my body begins shutting down. My muscles spasm, my temper flares, and I get debilitating tension headaches. I feel short of breath all the time and like it’s a race to accomplish anything at all. Everything feels rushed and imbalanced. bruno-nascimento-255699-unsplashWhen I move toward Arrow Type Four, I want to share everything. I’m inspired to write a book or a blog or share every good thing on social media. I want to hug my children and never let go while watching them do amazing things from afar without interfering.

7. Tell us about the feeling of loneliness. How do you react when you feel lonely?

I love alone time. I don’t think I ever really experience loneliness.

8. Do you feel like as a child that somewhere you picked up the message that in order to be loved, you had to put your own needs aside? That meeting others needs were the path to love and security?

No, I don’t think I received that message as a child. I think I learned that helping others is a way to show that you love them, not that my own needs are not important.

9. What would make you feel truly safe and secure in yourself? In a relationship? 

That’s such a difficult question. Because when I’m at my best, I feel truly safe and secure in myself. I am confident and kind and generally positive. I don’t know what helps me get to that point, though. Perhaps it’s when those around me are respecting my advice and acknowledging my strengths. That makes my heart full and gives me pride. In relationships, hearing me is a big deal. I appreciate the feeling of respect from my friends or my husband. I like feeling as though my opinions matter.

10. What do the words authenticity, anger, and fun mean for you today?

Authenticity is a good word to describe who I am. I cannot be anyone besides my authentic self very well. When I try to tamp my helpful self down, I feel the repercussions deeply.

Anger rears its ugly head most commonly in the mornings. I love waking early, but I tend to need a significant amount of alone time before I can be open to hearing others or assisting them. I can be very short tempered from 5am-9am. I do get angry.

Fun would be watching my kids play outside while I sit in a comfortable patio chair,neonbrand-335257-unsplash.jpg drinking tea and reading a great book. Or working together as a family to accomplish a common goal. Helping one another is fun to me.

11. (This question is from a fellow Two via Twitter) “How do you break the loop of worrying about whether your need to help is genuine or manipulative? Questioning all the motives can be exhausting and I don’t always trust my own answers.” 

I tend to plow through. I feel better to just put my help out there rather than hold it in. For me, holding it in feels cumbersome. I feel like I’m not being myself or allowing my colors to shine. I accept that others may not always agree with my ideas or opinions, but it feels better to me, personally, to share and be shot down than to hold it in.

image1Jess is a mom of two young boys and two energetic dogs. On weekends she can be found teaching wood sign painting classes through her own small business, Sparkles and Crafts. Day to day, she’s a stay-at-home mom who is busy cleaning up messes and cooking up loads of delicious grub. When given a hot cup of Earl Grey and a cupcake, there is nothing she can’t do. You can find her on Facebook at facebook.com/sparklesandcrafts , Instagram @sparklesandcrafts, and her website sparklesandcrafts.com 

*Photo by Josh Appel , rawpixel , NeONBRAND , Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash