During this uncertain season, when none of us know quite what to do or how to feel, let’s turn our attention to positivity as best we can. What can we offer each other in our homes, in Zoom meetings, on FaceTime calls, or in the flurry of texts and emails that we’ll be sending in the coming days? Here are a few examples of the gifts each Enneagram Type brings to the table in times of crisis:
Type 1: Bravery, Attention to Detail, Order, Tenderness
Type 2: Empathy, Plausible Solutions, Grit, Boundaries
Type 3: Action, Resources, Authenticity, Cooperation
Type 4: Non-Judgment, Depth, Space, Vitality
Type 5: Wise Insight, Attention, Leadership, Courage
Type 6: Connectivity, Vulnerability, Endurance, Adaptability
Type 7: Ferocity, Goodwill, Warmth, Intelligence
Type 8: Protection, True Care, Soul, Character
Type 9: Calm, Understanding, Reconciliation, Goal-Setting
Hello again, Enneagram Paths friends. We are in interesting times, for sure. With the spread of a disease that’s shutting down states and countries across the globe, it’s more important than ever to spread love, care, patience, and self-awareness whenever possible. Take a moment and pause before reading on. Notice your body. Notice the sounds around you. Notice your feelings. Send love to all of these spaces and places.
You have permission to feel and think and say what you need to with close friends and family. Share your fear where it’s safe. Calm those that need it. Love one another. Find information from verified sources. It’s okay to be shaky, it’s okay to be fine. We’re here together.
Here, in this space together, I want to share a brief word on Subtypes and why they are significant during trying times. What are Enneagram Subtypes? In essence, each of the 9 Enneatypes breaks down further into 27 subtypes. Each type has a dominant Self-Preservation (Sp) instinct for survival, a Sexual/One-on-One (Sx) instinct for survival, or a Social Instinct (SI) for survival. I hope you catch the similar phrasing because it’s key for right now. Today, tomorrow, and in the days ahead, we’re all going to be facing situations that trigger our lizard brains and our basic human-animal need to survive.
“[The] limbic system of the brain has been implicated as the seat of emotion, addiction, mood, and lots of other mental and emotional processes. It is the part of the brain that is phylogenetically very primitive. Many people call it “The Lizard Brain” because the limbic system is about all a lizard has for brain function. It is in charge of fight, flight, feeding, fear, freezing-up, and fornication.” (Your Lizard Brain, Joseph Troncale, M.D. Psychology Today)
As you deal with disruptions, fear, change, uncertainty, isolation, or being in close quarters with loved ones for an extended period of time, you should expect your survival mechanisms to kick in. Make space for these tendencies to emerge and treat them with loving-kindness; they are only trying to help you.
But are your dominant Subtype tendencies actually going to help? This is where awareness comes in.
The wonderful thing that separates humans from animals is the ability to be aware of what we’re doing. Therefore, we can notice when our dominant Subtype begins to be triggered and lovingly ask ourselves, “How can I invite in different energy? Is this reaction truly good for me, or can I pause, and then choose something that would work better?”
In the coming weeks, I will be sharing blogs on all the 27 Subtypes, but for today read over the descriptions below and see if you can rank your survival mechanisms. What is the most dominant? What is the least? How can you grow in your less dominant areas? What are some ways that your normal triggered responses harm rather than help? What can you do to shift these patterns?
Self-Preservation: People with a Self-Preservation Subtype find that their attention and behavior are directed on procuring physical safety, resources, and comfort. They focus their energy on making sure they have shelter, food, clothing, money, and health—both for themselves and those closest to them. Self-Preservation Subtypes avoid danger if possible and try to maintain structure in work and daily living. They work hard to secure their future by thinking through plans, highlighting goals, and aligning with others who will be safe and dependable during emergencies or times of need.
Social: People with a Social subtype are usually concerned about the health and well-being of the social circle they find themselves in. They are also focused on finding and maintaining a good place within that particular tribe. Survival of the community is directly tied to the survival of the individual in their minds, and so they work for the flourishing of the whole. Their attention will be focused on belonging, relationships, and recognition, and they will feel threatened by anything that jeopardizes their role in society.
Sexual or One-to-One Bonding: This subtype’s behavior and attention are concerned with anything that has to do with the quality of a relationship with a specific individual. They are person-to-person focused — which makes sense if you think about how much effort it has taken from an evolutionary standpoint to procure a mate. Mating is the way we survive, though a Sexual subtype is not all about sex. This Subtype is also concerned with intimate friends and knowing key and influential people. They will have a longing to create connection, warmth, and intimacy with another person as a means of security.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have an interview with Sheila Hozhabri, a digital marketing powerhouse, to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Eight by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose new book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. It’s fascinating! Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself!
Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Disruption’ to summarize Type Eights. Of Eights, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in [Eight] nature is the energy of disruption. What [Eight] nature seeks and is motivated by is autonomy. [Their] primary style of engagement is action. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in control and self-sufficient. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by dominance or oppression. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as panic. The primary and practical application for [Eight] nature is to breathe and practice stillness. The healthy [Eight] nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for growth.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 54)
Thanks, Sheila, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as an Enneagram Eight!
Sheila Hozhabri
1. In what ways do you use your Type Eight easy access to anger for good? This is a difficult one. I’m not sure I’ve fully honed in on how to use it for good, but I’d say standing up for those who can’t/won’t stand up for themselves. What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? The most healthy outlet I’ve found for my anger is boxing! I started doing it over a year ago and I can’t say enough about what a positive impact it’s had on my life. The best way I can describe it is that it exhausts me, and pours water over the anger flames.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? Loyalty. I don’t let a lot of people in, and definitely not quickly, but I am a good judge of character. Everyone I meet is living up to how I’ve judged them. If they fall short of my expectations, I can take it personally, and question my judgement. I’ve been learning to grow and accept people in my life when they fall short, but a big hurdle for me is betrayal. That one is hard to get over.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We’re very emotional and loving people. We’re not always angry. We’ll be your Ride-Or-Die for life—if you don’t let us down!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? No spiritual practices, but I have gotten into meditation over the past year. Honestly, boxing has become my spiritual practice!
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in Stress to your Arrow of Type Five? In stress, I shut people out to protect myself and my heart. I feel like I need to deal with stressful things on my own, so it’s difficult for me to let others in to help me deal. What happens to your closest relationships when you move in Health/Integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I am more open, vulnerable, and forgiving. I feel like an enlightened floating yogi, who can take on the worries/stresses/concerns of those around me and help them find the grace to deal—because I’m in a graceful place myself.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For a long time I felt like I had a ball of anger in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes it would get bigger, other times smaller. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so I need to get massages regularly! HaHa. I’ve become a huge fan of box breathing to help release some of what has been absorbed. And of course, the boxing helps release that, as well. I can happily say that the ball of anger feels very controlled and small thanks to these techniques.
7. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number? I didn’t realize that so many people have an issue saying ‘no’, it’s something I’ve never struggled with. Then, I figured out that it’s a trait of being a Type Eight, and I just LOVED that. I dislike the anger aspect of being an Eight, and how what I consider to be regular expression can be miss-interpreted as anger. (Melissa: This is big. Take note. Many Eights don’t feel or see the anger they express. For them, it’s just regular talking/communication. Sometimes, it’s not actual anger, but energy or bluntness and Eights can feel grossly misunderstood.)
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? For most of my life, I would have said that I would get taken advantage of or be left upset/heartbroken because showing that side of me is revealing my weakness. I just found out about a year ago that I had difficulty with vulnerability, and it took me a while to even figure out what being vulnerable means and how to practice it. I’m currently reading Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” which has opened up my eyes and heart to fully understanding vulnerability and shame and how being vulnerable isn’t a weakness.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight (presenting) children? Know that what is perceived as anger probably isn’t. As a kid, I would usually shut down when I got really angry. Avoid “calm down” or “Don’t get so mad/upset”. Instead, acknowledge that the child is feeling an emotion and help them walk through it. That might look like going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or being silent until they can form their thoughts clearly before talking about what’s wrong.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?Yield – Breathe. Don’t be trigger happy. Take a minute. Take breaths. Form your words and then speak/react. Affection – Speak how you’re feeling (good or bad), because closing yourself off is only hurting you in the long run. Empowerment – You don’t always have to carry the burden of the load. You can also trust others not to drop it.
Sheila is a digital marketing powerhouse who has been responsible for managing several successful digital platforms for pop artists. She is a driven, creative professional who is destined for a long, dynamic career in the entertainment industry. Sheila developed at love for the music industry in her teens and moved to Nashville to attend Belmont University in 2002. While at Belmont, she took a Comparative Spirituality and World Religions class where she first learned about the Enneagram. Upon graduating from Belmont, Sheila worked in artist management for 3 years before moving to London to get her masters at the University of London. In 2013, Sheila moved to Los Angeles and began working for a digital marketing company handling digital marketing strategy for major pop acts.
Type Ones are in the Body Triad, the Compliant Stance, and their Time Orientation is the Present. When healthy, Ones are are dependable, sincere, grounded, spontaneous, and joyful. Ones have a built-in desire to improve the world, and work hard at doing so with integrity and an unshakable inner compass. Their innate sense of the natural order of things leads them to be wise advisors; accepting others who are on their own, unique paths. Healthy Ones live with mystical-like wisdom and inward peace. They also know how to laugh and engage in activities that refuel their energy and sense of play.
People are transformative entities, always in motion, not robots that act in restrictive boxes. Therefore, the descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem completely integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the spectrum of healthy/unhealthy levels in a day. In an hour even! And…keep in mind, both 1w9 and 1w2 go to Type Four in Disintegration and Type Seven in Integration, but the shades of how this looks will vary. And then there are Subtypes! Ha!
The Enneagram….always more complex and nuanced then we realize. Much like us human beings. Check out my list of Enneagram Resources for further investigation.
Type One with a Nine Wing (1w9)
Healthy: In health, 1w9s take on a shade of the big-picture thinking common in Type Nines. They care more about the state of the world and the consummate circumstances for people living in it. They can be very understanding of others and tolerant of differences, like a Type Nine. They lead by example, using their actions and life to show what they believe to be ideal, not imposing sharp criticisms on their fellow humans. They are loyal friends who care deeply about those they allow into their lives, also often soliciting the advice of these trusted loved ones in tricky situations. They have more of an ability to relax and let go, silencing the inner critic for a bit, so that their minds, bodies, and hearts can get some rest. Their manner of speaking will be be more warm and less direct. The Type Nine energy softens the intensity of their gaze and the set of their mouth. Instead of needing to have everything exist within strict guidelines, they allow certain areas of their life to simply flow.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, 1w9s turns off their body and mind more, disassociating themselves from critical thoughts, hard emotions, and unpleasant bodily sensations. They numb with things like TV, food, or alcohol. Stressed 1w9s can begin to get stuck on how much others seem to be messing around and making mistakes. They become tired and exhausted of all the work they “perceive” they’re doing for other people and the world, and give up. They metaphorically throw their hands in the air and declare the whole thing a wash. Disenchanted virtuousness becomes an excuse for all kinds of escapes; they can slack off at work, detach from important relationships and isolate themselves in order to lessen the intensity of their disappointment.
Type One with a Two Wing (1w2)
Healthy: In health, 1w2s are more in touch with their Heart Center. They have a greater access to the full range of their emotions and do much less repressing of traditionally undesirable feelings like anger or sadness. 1w2s use their incredible ability to find workable solutions to help others. They are softer and more empathetic as they come alongside those in need, knowing that they are doing the right thing by caring. But their help is boundaried, not invasive. They work for the greater good with sensitivity and a warm love. Their personal relationships take on a determined connectivity that isn’t found as much in 1w9s, and they purposefully engage in self-love and self-care, considering their own needs as much as others.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, the 1w2’s need to help becomes presumptuous; they feel they know the right thing to do in any situation. Their internal sense of righteousness (black and white thinking) gets tangled up in an unhealthy self-image of the savior. Their role is almost deified, in their own minds, as if they and God alone are in charge. If someone does not allow them to step in and fix what’s wrong, 1w2’s may take on a shade of the lower side of Type Two and vocalize their “perceived” unjust treatment through whining or complaining. They feel undervalued and unappreciated for their valiant efforts to change your life, and the world, for the better. They then martyr themselves, loudly and profusely, to such an extent that others either have to exit the relationship or take a break for a while.
A few thoughts on darkness in general. Darkness is something we try to avoid, right? And it IS awful going through a dark time or feeling in a dark place. Yet, darkness is an underrated state of being; it can actually be one of the most fertile moments in our lives. Deep stress, hurt, pain, transition, betrayal, uncertainty, and loss are all ripe for extraordinary change, growth learning, rebirth, and renewal. The following darkness ideas for each Enneagram Type might feel really “ouch”, but in actuality, are huge opportunities for growth.
The term I’m using “Darkness Growth” stems from the idea of a shadow side found in many Enneagram teachings. The shadow is characteristics, behaviors, and motivations that we exhibit but are not consciously aware. Both helpful traits and unhelpful are hidden in shadow, and can be brought to light to form a whole, integrated person.
The key with Darkness Growth is to remember we don’t shame or hate ourselves, we face the dark with courage to realize some behaviors harm us now, even if they’ve helped us survive for years. You have to love yourself first, to be able to authentically grow. Take the following thoughts and ruminate on them. See if they resonate with you in any way, and what questions you might ask yourself about what the darkness is inviting you into.
Darkness Growth Type One:
Pointing out the incorrect politics, moral failings, and questionable behavior of others to make the world better and prove your own goodness, only serves to exhaust you and alienate people. How can you embrace the spectrum of humanity?
Darkness Growth Type Two:
Cultivating an image of how good you are by constantly being there for others actually serves to disconnect you from your true feelings and personhood, turning you from falsely helpful to demanding and needy. How can you love yourself well first?
Darkness Growth Type Three:
Your character-shifting gets you admiration, likes, and success, but when it comes time to be intimate and love deeply, you will struggle because you don’t know who is the real you to share. How can you be still, in order to connect with yourself more fully?
Darkness Growth Type Four:
Idealization of self and others pulls people in, then pushes them away. This pattern solidifies your untrue victim status when people get fed up and leave. But you’re not a victim, you’re the perpetrator. How can you empower yourself with commitment?
Darkness Growth Type Five:
Your boundaries keep people from hurting you and affecting your perceived safety. But when shit hits the fan, you won’t have a network of people to help when you really can’t help yourself. Your aloneness will be real. How can you let others in?
Darkness Growth Type Six:
The search for certainty in situations and people is a self-defeating survival tool. Eventually everything will disappoint you, confirming an untrue belief that the world is unsafe. How can you shift your perspective to realistic optimism?
Darkness Growth Type Seven:
If you only show people the fun, energetic, happy side of you, they will come to think you’re truly happy all the time. It’s then not their fault that they don’t check on you or see the pain you’re experiencing. How can you share your heart?
Darkness Growth Type Eight:
You can technically treat people however you want, disregarding their feelings or etiquette. But then, when you realize you have tender, needy feelings that require love and nurturing, don’t expect compassion. How can you treat others better?
Darkness Growth Type Nine:
You can be so affable and nice that people forget you exist sometimes. The desire to avoid sticky situations backfires to eject you from a life that needs your active presence. How can you shine today?
Welcome back from the holidays, Ennea-lovers! I hope you all had a good (not-too-stressful) season with family, friends, and loved ones. Today on the blog, we’re diving back into Enneagram subtype interviews. I love hearing from readers and fellow Ennea-nerds on Twitter and IG! It’s fun to learn from and alongside each other as we explore the nuance and depth of the Enneagram.
We‘re going to continue to look to Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram, for a quick Sx Seven roundup. Her book is amazing, and I would totally recommend it for researching subtypes. About Sx Sevens she says,”Contrary to what we might expect from this ‘Sexual’ Seven subtype, this Seven is not so much focused on sex as they are on the essence of love. Sexual Sevens fall in love very easily, but they’re not as interested in having sex with someone as they are in attaining a kind of idealized ultimate connection…They are gluttons for things of the higher world, and this makes them dreamers. They often feel an attraction to spiritual or metaphysical experience, as well as to extraordinary or esoteric things…For the Sexual Seven, earthly things take effort, and can therefore feel boring or tedious, whereas the mind works easily and without friction. It’s much easier to imagine doing something than to actually do it.”(Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)
Sexual Type Sevens
Both Sevens chose to remain anonymous for this post. Thank you each so much for being here on Enneagram Paths!
Anonymous Seven I
1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? It has been liberating. When I first started this journey, I believed that I was a Social Seven. That it was about my social standing and being in a group. But more and more, I have looked at myself and realized I am a One-on-One/Sexual Seven. I love that I really am about a deep connection to others and get energy from close relationships. In health—at my best—I bring an energy and optimism to deep conversations to let people know that I have learned to step into my pain and that there is life on the other side of pain.
2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy?Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? It was in this area of my life that through reading and learning about the Enneagram, I knew I was a Type Seven. I wanted that connection, and if it was not happening organically, I would do anything I could to manufacture intimacy. Due to childhood trauma and false intimacy, I became addicted to wanting that connection. Pornography became a way for me to have that “intimacy”. I have also had to learn how to not force intimacy in friendships and my close relationships when they just needed a more light-hearted connection. When I get to have meaningful time with friends and close relationships, it fuels me for a while. I do, however, find myself in the middle of that time planning for the next time an interaction can happen.
3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? Stress for me means that others aren’t doing things right, and I become pretty hard on people. Many times, I do not voice my frustrations; I am making judgements in my mind. When stressed, I want to feel good, so I will turn to addictions. Food, drink, etc. I dislike when I am in this space, so I find ways to make the discomfort go away for a while. In health, I am on a quest to learn more, to love well and to give grace. I find that I want to learn about human behavior, so I read and listen to podcasts. I can sit with people in their pain and be sympathetic and directive. I am an energy that helps get things done and lighten the mood if heavy.
AnonymousSeven II
1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? Being a Sexual Type Seven means that I care a lot about other people. I love to give to people and see them for the best that they can be! I mainly see the world that way too, through the most positive outlook. It can even mean that I sometimes don’t accept criticism or negative feelings at all. I can be more sensitive than other Sevens.
2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy?Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? I am very aware of my need for other people. I have a select few close friends who I know I can tell anything to, but I also have many others who I’d consider friends. I think that the sexual instinct causes me to crave intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I need someone who will look after me when I don’t know how to; when my emotions are going crazy. It also probably causes me to be confident in my body. I feel like because I see things in such a positive way, I connect to my body more easily than others. I’m aware of how I treat my body, and practice yoga and meditation often. I think the need I require the most to feel safe is knowing that I have a strong base of friends who will always listen and who connect with me by keeping in touch.
3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? When I am stressed, I tend to shut down. I feel overwhelmed, like every word and sound is too much. I have to take time to breathe and refocus or I’ll panic. It really helps when someone can calm me down and tell me that everything will be okay. The most healthy me is when I can say no to destructive patterns of impulsiveness and think before I act. I am most healthy when I am aware of ALL my emotions, even the sadness and frustration that I might ignore/deny when I’m stressed.
Loved having and hearing from you amazing Sevens! – Melissa
Whether we’re white, black, olive, tan or any of the million shades in between. Whether we have dark hair or fair, curly or straight. Whether we identify as male, female, or on any part of the gender spectrum. Whether thin or curvy, tall or short, differently-abled, or facing chronic illness. The truth is, not only do we all HAVE bodies, we all ARE bodies.
Our bodies need love and care. They need attention. Listen to your body. Give it what it asks for. Let it have a brownie, nap, bath, crazy fast run, boxing session, silk pajamas, or time to sit in silence. Be patient and kind to your physical self. It holds just as much wisdom as your heart and mind!
Here are some quick body positivity tips for each Enneagram Type.
Body Positivity for Type One: I am not perfect. No diet or exercise routine will ever make me as happy with my body as I can be right now, loving it exactly as is. How can I relax and listen to my body today, taking joy in giving it whatever it needs?
Body Positivity for Type Two: My body is deserving of time and attention. I will lavish it with good food, exercise, rest, and tons of compliments. I will take time apart from others so I may tune into its personal messages for me.
Body Positivity for Type Three: I do not need to push my body past its limits. Tiredness is my body telling me to rest. Rest is good for me, thank you body for reminding me of this truth.
Body Positivity for Type Four: Emotions are valuable, but they are not always reality. I can walk and enjoy the sunshine, go for a run, laugh, or eat a comforting meal. I will move my body and let its wisdom resonate within.
Body Positivity for Type Five: My body is me, not just my brain. I will take it to the dentist, get that mole checked, cook it a full healthy meal, not just another egg sandwich because I’m too engrossed in a project. I will exercise, do yoga, breathe deeply. I will love and trust the physical me.
Body Positivity for Type Six: There is most likely nothing wrong with me. I will stop googling symptoms. I will learn to trust my body. It’s strong and wise, and will tell me exactly what it needs. And if I’m dealing with illness or pain, I will remember to be tender and kind, speaking to my body with gentleness and care.
Body Positivity for Type Seven: I can sit down, be still, and quiet. I will take a minute to thank my body for all the things it allows me to do. Imagine how every single cell shows up and does its job. Isn’t my body glorious?
Body Positivity for Type Eight: My body is not a thing to be mastered or beaten into submission. I will take baths. I will get massages. I will listen to it tell me to sleep, eat, and snuggle with other people. I will accept love into my life through my body.
Body Positivity for Type Nine: My body holds ancient, evolved wisdom. I will honor my body by not smothering its voice. I won’t numb it. Instead, I’ll listen, it has life-giving, freeing things to tell me.
*For all Types: And if I need medication, I will take medication. There is no shame in balanced brain chemistry.*
Respect can be defined as, “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” With healthy respect you and I have the capacity to appreciate the differences within each Enneagram Type, and within each unique soul, even when those differences might feel confusing or polarizing. (Or drive us crazy!)
Respecting each other allows us to treat all human beings with dignity and worth, something our world today needs more than ever. Think about the change that happens when two people who might not normally get along decide to respect each other. A shift happens, an energy moves, and suddenly peace is possible—even within disagreement.
Here is a quick list of tips for respecting the nine Enneagram Types.
Respecting a 1:
Thank them for a job well done, making sure to point out that you’ve noticed how thoroughly they completed every part of the task. Ones work hard for your benefit.
Respecting a 2:
Send them a handwritten thank you card for something they’ve done for you, affirming how much you love them. Acknowledge how much they give.
Respecting a 3:
Appreciate their doing as an act of investing in a relationship, person, organization, or cause. Their work has a direct connection to their hearts and should be treated with care.
Respecting a 4:
Invite them to share their opinions about hard issues. They have a deep well of emotional intelligence that often goes unnoticed in meetings, conflicts, projects, and on teams. They want to use their EQ to help.
Respecting a 5:
Don’t interrupt them. It takes serious effort to coalesce all that thinking into coherent speech. They’re trying hard to share relevant information/wisdom with you.
Respecting a 6:
Allowing space for them to process all the scenarios, because you know they’ll unearth weaknesses in your plan or project that will ultimately help you succeed. Sixes are on your side.
Respecting a 7:
Release the expectation that they’ll always be happy. They have a rich well of wisdom and being to give, but can only do so when space is safe enough for them to share the full spectrum of their selfhood.
Respecting an 8:
Step aside when you see them leading effectively and allow them to be in control. They use their innate power to serve and protect.
Respecting a 9:
BOTH give them time and space to withdraw or go with the flow as they need to keep peace, AND periodically remind them how much their unique presence matters. They love you fiercely.
Hope these tips are helpful! Please feel free to comment below with ways you feel respect as your Type, or ways you’ve learned to respect other Types! – Melissa
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence.” — Robert K. Cooper. Ph.D.
“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head — it is the unique intersection of both.” — David Caruso
Emotions matter. It seems so simple and yet, how many of us disregard our emotions? We stuff them inside, ignore them, and talk ourselves out of feeling everything that makes us uncomfortable. This tamping down of our emotional life comes at a cost: to our relationship with ourselves (self-love), our relationships with others, and it can adversely affect our physical and mental health. Emotions are neutral and they are informational. They point to what’s really going on; what areas in our life need love and attention.
Below is the emotional flux of each Enneagram Type as they move through the various stages of health, autopilot, and stress. None of these words are good or bad; they’re simply descriptive, and should be used like we’re all love detectives, investigating the emotional landscape in order to know more and feel it all.
As an Enneagram Type 5, I love to get all wordy and deep, maximizing the nuance and complexity of an issue. However, sometimes we need life to be simple. Sometimes we just need a hit of wisdom to apply here and there; it can truly make a lasting difference.
Here are some quick tips for loving each Enneagram Type well. Next week, we’ll go through respecting each Type!
Loving a Type One:
Their bluntness is more a product of inner critic than anything about you. Have a compassionate, detached chuckle when your 1 says something breathtakingly blunt.
Loving a Type Two:
Constructive criticism must be sandwiched. “You’re awesome + Have you thought about this? + I love you so much.” Gently does it.
Loving a Type Three:
You’re in task mode. Uh, hey, you’re in task mode. *grab by lapels* Fucking stop doing shit and relax! I want to be with you right now. Seriously. Love you.
Loving a Type Four:
After 15 minutes of a full spectrum emotional experience, pat the couch beside you, give your 4 a cuddle and remind them, “I love you exactly as you are.”
Loving a Type Five:
Please, dear god, interrupt your 5 mid word vomit information monologue and ask them if they would like a hug. If they say yes, make that hug authentic, tight, and long. Whisper, “You’re already good enough.”
Loving a Type Six:
If they bombard you with affectionate communication, know it’s more about believing they might be abandoned, than anything to with your trustworthiness. Have clear boundaries, but also affirm your love. A lot.
Loving a Type Seven:
I’m here for you no matter what you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, life is still wonderful. Love you.
Loving a Type Eight:
Stand toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose and remind them that while they are strong as hell, they can be vulnerable now. “You are safe with me. Let out your heart.”
Loving a Type Nine:
Ask them how they feel / what they think and then come back in an hour for the answer. “Because I love you, I want you to have time, but I also really want to know YOU.”
