Melissa Kircher is a fine artist, illustrator and writer who enjoys everything bold and beautiful. Her work has been exhibited in Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York City. She is the author of four books, including The War Inside, The Gray Horizon and Dream On, novels for young adults, and the non-fiction book 99 Thoughts on Marriage and Ministry. She has worked for clients such as The New York Graphic Society, Relevant Magazine, Group Magazine, and EBSCO Publishing. Melissa lives and works in Norwalk, Connecticut.
One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by coaching clients, people in Enneagram Groups I lead, and on social media is how to use the Enneagram in parenting. I’m a parent myself and have wondered many times, “Is there a way to use the Enneagram to somehow NOT screw up my kids?”
The answer is yes and no at the same time, as all wise answers tend to be. The good news is that we CAN use this centuries-old tool to help us as parents know, heal, and love ourselves in nine unique ways. With this knowledge, we CAN—with new awareness—provide creative, brave spaces for our children to develop their own healthy sense of personhood.
However, we don’t ever want to Type our kids in the sense that we guess what number they are and then say to them, “You’re a Type Four, and this is what that means.”
Why not? Well, there are potentially severe and long-lasting ramifications to typing children, and we’re aiming for health, not harm.
DON’T Type Your Kids!
Most master Enneagram teachers advise strongly against typing of any kind until kiddos are well into their teens. Some say 16-18 is okay to start conversations around the Enneagram. Others recommend waiting to introduce the system until kids have left home and are into their 20’s. Here’s why: Creating a false sense of self for your child can be traumatic and hard to undo once a child grows up. Neurological studies show that our brains aren’t fully developed until age 25, so we’re all still forming our patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and motivation biases until around then.
Children are changing and growing – all the time. They need space, not labels. According to the American College of Pediatrics, “The way parents or teachers label a child can have a lasting impact on how that child sees him or herself.” Placing a label on them like an Enneagram Type before they are cognitively and emotionally ready to process their own personhood can damage their sense of self. You, the parent, are telling them, “This is who you are,” but that might not be true, and it could create a war inside of the child, who then tries to fit into a certain kind of mold they think they should be.
Yes, many of our Enneagram Type-specific survival tools develop during childhood, but children don’t have the maturity or bandwidth to differentiate yet between an authentic self and a label.
Therefore, I’d strongly—almost universally—advise against sharing the Enneagram with children. I would never tell a child, “You are a Type ______.”
So then how do we as parents use the Enneagram in raising our kids?
Know Yourself Well, and Then Observe YourChildren!
First, we focus on our personal Enneagram journey. This will help us better understand how we’re wired to act and react in our relationships with our children. Self-awareness and Enneagram work reveals the ways in which we move about in the world, and helps us grow into healthier, more expansive people—which directly affects our parenting styles. If we’re in the Assertive Stance, we then know we’ll need to make sure to slow down and really make time for our children. If we’re in the Heart Triad, we’ll know that it will take effort to bring up logical thinking and gut intuition to parent with a balance of all three Intelligence Centers. We don’t have to try to be the perfect parent, only an aware one. With awareness, we accept our shortcomings, work on them, and ask for plenty of help, forgiveness, and grace. We’re all doing our best and that’s something to be proud of!
The Enneagram also shows us the places where our Types can shine! A Type Seven parent is the one to come up with awesome adventures, and a Type Four will truly understand whatever emotional turmoil a child might experience. We can bank on our strengths to help us navigate the murky waters of the never-ending, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this child?”
Second, we understand that while the Enneagram shouldn’t be used as a typing system for kids and teens, it can be safely used as an observation tool. By paying attention to our children’s ever-evolving patterns of behavior, speech, emotions, and thought-life, we can create healthier family dynamics by providing opportunities for our children to grow in awareness and balance.
The Intelligence Centers in Children
Pay attention to (in a given phase, year, or period of time) which Heart, Mind, and Body Triads in your children seem more dominant as they grow and change. By creating a family culture of communication and space, you can ask your kids and teens to share how they feel, what they’re thinking about, and what’s going on in their bodies. Teaching the recognition of these processing styles (head, heart, mind) can help your children bring up centers they may not be dominant in at a certain phase of their development. For example, a child who seems to react to the world with her body by hitting, running, grunting, breathing hard, or jumping around, could have a parent engage in a body activity with her, talking about what feelings come up when they hit a punching bag together. This practice allows—without forcing—both her seemingly dominant way of being in the world, but also a new awareness of the importance of emotions. We want to provide connecting opportunities for kids to be themselves, while also encountering something new!
The Energy Stances in Children
Similarly, we can observe whether our kids seem to be (at a particular time) dominant in the Aggressive, Compliant, and Withdrawn Stance. Watch to see if this ebbs and flows, or stays more constant. Focus on awareness and activities that relate to their dominant Energy Stances such as reading or music lessons for withdrawn-seeming kiddos, but also on fostering space for their seemingly non-dominant stances to come out to play. Gently encourage a more withdrawn child to talk to one new person on the playground or suggest that a compliant child spend some time journaling about their feelings. The key isn’t to force balance (or a stance you’d rather the child have), but to introduce the child to all three Energy Stances in ways that are both safe and mildly challenging so that they grow.
Lastly, we can note Time Orientation, observing the Future, Present, or Past Time Orientations in our kids as they grow and change. The key is still to allow space and nurturing for their dominant orientation, while also offering awareness and activities that relate to the other two non-dominant time orientations.
I hope this resource helps us as together we parent with love, acceptance, and a ton of grace! -Melissa
Hello, friends. It’s Monday….feels like years and years since last Monday, doesn’t it? I read a FB post the other day from a parent whose toddler kept asking, “Is today a day?” Poor kiddo could not understand what was up. Why is everybody at home? Seems about right to me! I want to send all of you love and light and hope wherever you can find it, and permission to let the darkness feel as big and scary as it needs to at times. Allow it all and know you’re not alone. We’re all here with you, a Oneness of being that surrounds you with love.
Today, I’m excited to have Marisa and Jose on the blog, sharing with you about their experiences as Enneagram Type Eights. Thank you both so much for being here! Let’s dive into their juicy interviews:
Marisa M.
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? Anyone who has any familiarity with Type Eights knows that when we’re angry about something, we don’t hesitate to jump into righting wrongs; whether they’ve been committed against us or someone else. I take care of myself all the time. But, I’ve also helped family and friends with financial, housing, healthcare, education, legal, personal, and local government issues, and made sure no one was taken advantage of. In a world where it’s every person for themselves, the folks who are most at risk seem to be the ones who have a harder time figuring out where to turn for safe, reliable help. That’s where Eights come in.
When I’m angry, I tend to have really good days in the gym. It’s a great catalyst for pushing myself harder than normal. Being active outdoors (hiking, biking, camping) has a very calming influence on me.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? As a Type Eight, I look for others to have strength of character and not shy away from me in timidity. I need them to understand that I crave opportunities to genuinely engage, especially with difficult but necessary conversations. I find this intense engagement intimate and vital to building strong relationships. I need folks to not betray me out of fear and throw me under the bus because they don’t have the courage to engage with me like a mature adult. As an Eight, where others see anger, I just see a normal conversation. I need people to be willing to explain to me how they’re perceiving me—what I can do to make the conversation safer for them and more productive for all of us.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights?We’re passionate, not angry! We get worked up easily when it comes to injustices, but we’re not necessarily trying to steamroll anyone—we just want what’s right and fair, we want it yesterday, and we’ll do what it takes to make it happen. This urge is hard to temper. We’re eager to help, and that can sometimes come across as domineering, but that’s not at all the intent. Our passion for justice and helping lift others up tends to rev our energy levels, which is often interpreted as being controlling and dominating. We don’t mean it in a harmful way; we just have intense personalities. We are not assholes or dictatorial terrorists! We’re simply strong-willed and determined, and not about to sit down and shut up when we know we can do something to make a difference and help people. We’re really incredibly loving and nurturing, which is a byproduct of our inherent protective nature.
Bonus: The fact that I’m on fire about something doesn’t mean that I want to set the whole world on fire. I mean, I absolutely will if I deem it necessary. Without hesitating. I’m an Enneagram Eight, after all. But that’s not always the number one goal, or even on the radar.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? It’s my upbringing, really, that influences my spiritual practices. I don’t think my Eight-ness has much, if any, bearing on it. I pray, I reflect, I try to remain cognizant of the blessings in my life. That doesn’t seem too typically Eight to me…
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? When I move to Five, things get strained because I shut down and shut out. I withdraw, less to reflect and more to lick my wounds and cuss the situation (and often the other person(s) involved). When moving to Two, though, there’s an abundance of trust and openness and making space for those of us on each side.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? I get stressed when people won’t engage with me the way I need them to. When they won’t take the time to listen and understand me, and instead push me away thinking I’m being a jerk. When they won’t explain to me how I’m coming across and what I can do differently to engage with them in a more productive manner. The stress tends to hunker down in my neck and shoulders, so I feel it physically. I also tend to withdraw and shut down when it gets too intense, which negatively affects my mood.
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I love that we’re readily willing to stand up for and protect not only ourselves, but others. I love that we’re loyal, often to a fault. I love that even though we run screaming from vulnerability, we still maintain the most incredible capacity for an intensely loving, protective nature.
It’s frustrating that my Eight-ness causes others to see me as intimidating and angry instead of passionate, strong, and determined. I dislike being so blunt; it hampers my abilities to hit pause and develop tact before proceeding. I dislike that my Eight-ness makes others want to distance themselves instead of (even just gently) stepping into the ring with me. I frustrate myself in terms of being so willing to jump in, instead of taking a hot second to survey the land and weigh possible options. I’m slowly learning to lean into my Nine wing to help in that regard.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Folks might actually understand me better and not immediately conclude that I’m being a stereotypical Eight. But, vulnerability is scary and dangerous, and I was hurt horrifically the one time I dared to be completely vulnerable with someone. Because of that, I’m afraid I’d be hurt again if I took another stab at it. My girlfriend has been A-MAH-ZING in helping me process the trauma and damage, and slowly learn to let others in. It’s a work in progress…
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? (Totally selfish question!) Validate your kids. Allow them the freedom to live into who they are, their innate strength and desire to help and protect others, especially the younger ones. In fact, try to foster the Eight-ness in them, instead of trying to corral and control them. You’ll just tire yourself out and tick them off. In regards to the older, adult kids, don’t take us for granted. Yes, we’re always ready to take on a fight on your behalf, but it can be so exhausting. Be willing to take up your own battles and rely on us for support instead of dumping everything in our lap and sitting back to watch us work.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?
Yield: Pause, think, reflect, allow others the right-of-way instead of always charging headfirst into a situation. … It’s going. To be. OK.
Affection: This is the tender, often-unseen part of being an Eight that needs to be brought to the forefront. This will help others better relate to and understand us.
Empowerment: We are already empowered. We need to use our Eight-ness to empower others and support them in the process.
Marisa was born and raised in the DFW Metroplex and tended to be a strong-willed child, always taking up for others and going toe-to-toe with authority figures. She only started to learn about the Enneagram in the last year—and that she’s an Eight—so her past and present are starting to make infinitely more sense. It’s also become clear why she chased after a profession in the fields of law enforcement and public service. Marisa is proud to say she’s the first in her family to obtain a Masters degree (MBA) and is a rabid and unapologetic Shake Shack fan, having visited 30 locations in 22 cities across 9 states, the District of Columbia, and 2 countries (as of publication). She loves to travel, but a government paycheck just isn’t sufficient enough to pay for the amount she needs to support her wanderlust. With less than 7 years to go before reaching full retirement eligibility, Marisa is looking forward to a second career where she can put her MBA to use and make fat stacks so she can travel the world (and visit more Shake Shack locations).
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? I think I can summarize it in one word: Accountability. I think my access to anger allows me to hold myself and others accountable whenever I think we’re not living up to some standard. My ready ability to tap into accountability makes it easy to call myself and others out for being less than stellar— as well as standing up and fighting against things I don’t agree with.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? One of the most important things I look for in others is “effort” or “drive.” I absolutely understand that not everyone is capable of accomplishing the same things, but I think the one thing that matters most is that someone tried. I respect people who don’t make excuses for themselves, and I look up to those who are willing to try their best no matter what.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? I’m going to answer this from my perspective, but I really wish people didn’t think I was angry simply because I become very emotional in a conversation. I feel like my passion for things immediately gets received as anger, and that’s a little frustrating. I also think people don’t realize how unaware of ourselves we Eights can be. I always catch myself telling people “I really didn’t mean that that way” and I think part of that stems from how unaware I am of how I come off to people. Essentially, I wish people were capable of judging others based on their intent. Lastly, I wish others understood how self-critical we are. The one thing I find common about most of the Eights I know, is that we beat ourselves up endlessly, and I wish people saw that a little bit more.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? I’m not particularly religious, but I am absolutely drawn to things that make me feel more present in my body. Exercise and physical activity (hiking, jiu jitsu, skiing) really help me be present and help me be aware of myself in space. I think over time, as I’ve integrated, I’ve begun taking care of myself physically more and more, and that’s only helped me grow better.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? My closest relationships take a beating whenever I stress out. I think one of our worst characteristics is how self-forgetting we are, and whenever I’m stressed out I typically become insufferable. Anyone around me could become an outlet for some of the stress I’m carrying, and that’s typically not healthy. Nonetheless, if I’m integrating, my closest relationships shine. I work tirelessly to raise the people around me up an to push them to be better versions of themselves. I like thinking of this internally as my own “amplifier” effect, since I’m capable of bringing out the best in those around me.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? The Body Triad is great hahaha! I love being so in tune with my self, and I think something in particular I like about being an Enneagram Eight is how I’m typically pretty self-aware most of the time. Nonetheless, being a member of the gut triad makes anger an accessible emotion, and I’d describe my typical emotional state to be “slightly annoyed at something all the time.” I feel full of energy, with a deep willingness to push myself to my limits, especially if I am passionate about what I’m doing. If lose faith or belief in what I’m doing, then I really struggle to invest in it.
7. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Hmm, I’m sure that would be good in theory, but that feels really difficult. I wonder what other Eights will respond to this, but damn, I feel like I can only do that with a select group of people that I trust enough.
8. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? Man, I think the best thing you can do is to invite them to own their little lives. My parents raised me that way, and even from a young age I was aware of myself. I think by tapping into that core desire and drive of Eights to be independent, you can help your Eight child move toward integration earlier in life by empowering them. We’re quite stubborn people, and if you work to steer the drive, the huffing and puffing, and the energy toward helping them grow that might reduce the amount of times you butt heads.
I am a 25 y.o. engineer working in the Energy Industry in Process Control and Optimization. I typically never back down from a challenge, and I love opportunities to demonstrate my skills (not out of narcissism, but purely out of enjoyment). I love pushing the limits of what I’m capable of, and that reflects in everything I do. In my free time, I read, go to the gym, play guitar, cook, or look for new investment opportunities. In the past year, I started a nonprofit intended to teach people about economic freedom and the merits of capitalism. I recently took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu to add to my physical training, and I absolutely love skiing and hiking. Relationships are incredibly important to me. I strive to be able to provide for my parents and my close family so that if needed, they don’t have to worry about anything financially. In the long term, my goal is to affect and improve my community and the people around me. I’d like to enable all of those in my life to be better versions of themselves so they too can achieve their own goals.
Type 1: You know that you will need areas of control, structure, and productivity. Try to schedule these times when you are NOT parenting. Create zones during the day where you can cook, clean, deal with finances, work, or organize—when children are on their screens, doing schoolwork (on their own), or are being watched by your partner, roommate, spouse, grandparent, online babysitter, or in bed. Instead of trying to fight against your gifting and real need for order, work WITH it! Set aside “parenting time” where you as the adult understand things with kiddos will get messy, chaotic, loud, and unpredictable. After your parenting time, make sure not only are you allowing yourself productivity, but also that you’re physically exerting any emotions stored up during the day. Box in the garage, run on a treadmill, scream into a pillow (we all need this sometimes), practice yoga, or dance to a raging good song! Additionally, please add in times of pleasure: read a book, drink wine, listen to music, talk to a friend on the phone, order something online, draw, craft…whatever brings you joy!
Type 2: Be aware of your need to be SO helpful to your kiddos while they are home and adjusting to homeschool, lack of social connection, and generally being stuck-the-heck indoors! Also, there’s the whole germ-y thing that they’re trying to process. It’s weird and overwhelming for you all. However, make sure you don’t overwhelm THEM. Give your children some space to connect with their teachers, therapists, and friends online, and resist the urge to ask them about it. Give them space. While this space is being taken, please use it to look inward. Ask yourself what YOU need and then provide it if you can. If you’re living with a partner, spouse, or parent, ask them to meet some of your needs. Ask them to listen to your feelings. There are so many feelings. You’re dealing with an ultra-focus on immediate family, while also worrying about all the other friends and loved ones in your life. Trust that they will still be there, and allow yourself to relax. Meditate. Take a bath. Work out. Journal. Paying attention to you will help the whole family structure become even more healthy.
Type 3: Being home and in quarantine with your kiddos is going to test you, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent. Your need is to do and achieve. This isn’t possible when parenting during a crisis situation in which you’re all stuck together in one space. Make room for the rage that will emerge. Plan for it. Create a physical space that you can vent the inevitable frustration that arises when dealing with kids who have tons of energy, wills of their own, and are dealing with as much change and upheaval as you. How can you succeed? You can create work, home, cleaning, grocery shopping, exercise, or mental health goals to accomplish. Focus your main thrust of energies there, so that when it comes to parenting, you can relax more and go with the flow. Resist the urge to turn off and disconnect. Instead, think about ways you can help your children flourish. What does the team need right now? Ask your partner, roommate, spouse, parents, or other parent friends for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, your super-strength is authenticity. Be you, that’s what your kids truly need.
Type 4: Fours under stress move into Two energy, which means that you have a high likelihood of going into “superparent” mode during a quarantine. At first, it might feel good to meet everyone’s needs, be warm, helpful, giving, loving, and serving…but after a while this modality will take a toll. It’s okay. Expect that you will blow up with frustration and unrequited needs at some point. If/when this happens, allow yourself space to be. Withdraw like your Four self requires and allow a spouse, partner, parent, or the TV to watch your kids for a couple of hours. Use this time to walk, sit in the sun, write poetry, draw, scream in the car, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Create a schedule to complete your work, as well. Your job is just as important as your parenting. Love on you, and resist the urge to think you can never be enough. You already ARE enough. Bring back to your kiddos a sense of beauty in the mundane and creative ways to endure and find fun amidst a strange, bewildering time.
Type 5: Quarantine sounds like it’d be the answer to a Five’s social prayers except for two things. 1) We NEED people. 2) If you’re a Five parent you will get way too much people for a while. Lovingly accept your energy limitations and plan for them. Kids (of all ages) will suck more from you than you will ever have to give. Create spaces during the day where you can be totally off. Let another caregiver take over and hide in your room, closet, car, shower…anywhere you can have uninterrupted alone time to think and refuel. Again, if you’re a single parent, ain’t nothing wrong with letting a screen be your babysitter for a while! If you can, create separate space to do your job. Fives need time to think, time to work, and time to parent—all separately, or you burn out fast! Your Five parent superpower is attention, so pay attention to how your kiddos moods and energies shift, allowing non-attached space for the day to morph according to their needs. You’re great at disseminating information to kids in age-appropriate ways, and right now kids need to have real talks with facts and data, tailored to what they can understand. Find moments of true joy and enjoyment with your kids, these will become memories you’ll cherish for a long time to come.
Type 6: This is your time, you’ve been prepared, and now that it’s here, you’re both calm and terrified, probably in waves that push and pull at you with disorientating intensity. The great news is that kids will thrive under quarantine with a Six parent who knows what’s what and how to handle the intense things happening. You’re uniquely gifted to bring you children a sense of safety and readiness right now. Watch out for the tendency to discuss too much of the world’s crisis in front of your kids. It might feel good to talk, talk, talk about Covid-19 and the potential ramifications, but this anxiety can easily bleed into your children, causing them to feel terrified and possibly hide that terror from you. Be aware that in stress you push a little harder, become a bit more driven, and expect too much from your body. Temper this with family meditation practices, slow walks, relaxed homeschooling, and playful games.
Type 7: Oh, wonderful Seven parents from whom quarantine with your kids probably initially felt like someone was building a brick wall around you—a brick wall of inescapable torture! Your need for adventure, change, pleasure, and fun now has to be exercised in a limited space with limited people who, let’s be honest, are sometimes less than fun! Here’s the upside of being a Seven parent during quarantine, you’re gifted at sucking the joyful marrow out of anything. You have a superpower of turning a house into an adventure, a backyard into a mysterious play land. If your kids are older, think of all the ideas you’ll have to help them creatively attack their schoolwork, meeting virtually with friends, trying new hobbies, and investigating themselves. You’re deep, loving parents who have a wealth of care and emotional space to offer your children during this trying time. Make sure to extend creative thinking to yourself, finding unique ways to get the movement, energy, and variety you truly need to be your best self. Take the dog for a walk, invest in a master class, read interesting books, learn new trades, build stuff, tackle the yard work, and vent your feelings to the good old clouds whenever you can! (No one can see you talking to yourself now!) If you’re working from home, be aware that kids will test your propensity to inattentiveness, so carve out specific time to focus on and complete work tasks.
Type 8: Understand you’re a ball of intensity with a molten heart of gold. While your protected innocence makes you an amazing parent and lover of kids of all ages, during this time where triggers and emotions are running high, you’ll have to pay attention to your driven urges. Kids need space to be themselves; whether that means quiet, sad, joyful, funny, apathetic, withdrawn, or causing a ruckus. Metaphorically sit on your hands when you want to push them toward intent, purpose, betterment, and a drive they just might not share with you. Ask them questions about what they need from you. If it’s a break, use that time to complete your work and don’t worry that your kids are playing with mud or getting to the next level of a video game. It’s okay to be you and get shit done, while your kids get lost in their own worlds. Your superpower is your soft heart, so use it to have cuddle time, lots of deep talks, hugs, and reassurance that you’re there and you love your kiddos (of any age) fiercely. They need this so much right now, and Eights love like heroes.
Type 9: Quarantine with kids for a Nine will probably feel nice for a while, until it doesn’t. Allow yourself space for this progression to happen. Soak in the wonderfulness of being together, all the family time and experiences that you’re experiencing anew. Also allow yourself space for those kids to start to get on your nerves, ramp up your anxiety, and make you want to bust a hole in the wall and escape. Like the mantra of a Nine, it’s all okay. Where you’ll thrive during quarantine is one-on-one peacemaking/harmony. Focus your gifts on having chats with each child individually (again, any age) and really soak in their perspective, lending them your calm and understanding wherever they are. You’ll want to refrain from trying to be a group peacemaker in this instance, though. Tensions will run high at moments, and while you can understand everyone’s perspective, they might not. Accept that fights will happen and that conflict is inevitable. If it gets too much, ask a partner or other caregiver to step in so you can retreat and get some air. Take care of your body with exercise, healthy food whenever possible, and if you have a tele-therapist, utilize them to make sure you’re paying attention to YOU. Additionally, if you’re working from home, ask your partner or a co-worker to prioritize the day’s work tasks for you so that you don’t get too caught up in family life; your job still needs to get done.
During this uncertain season, when none of us know quite what to do or how to feel, let’s turn our attention to positivity as best we can. What can we offer each other in our homes, in Zoom meetings, on FaceTime calls, or in the flurry of texts and emails that we’ll be sending in the coming days? Here are a few examples of the gifts each Enneagram Type brings to the table in times of crisis:
Type 1: Bravery, Attention to Detail, Order, Tenderness
Type 2: Empathy, Plausible Solutions, Grit, Boundaries
Type 3: Action, Resources, Authenticity, Cooperation
Type 4: Non-Judgment, Depth, Space, Vitality
Type 5: Wise Insight, Attention, Leadership, Courage
Type 6: Connectivity, Vulnerability, Endurance, Adaptability
Type 7: Ferocity, Goodwill, Warmth, Intelligence
Type 8: Protection, True Care, Soul, Character
Type 9: Calm, Understanding, Reconciliation, Goal-Setting
Hello again, Enneagram Paths friends. We are in interesting times, for sure. With the spread of a disease that’s shutting down states and countries across the globe, it’s more important than ever to spread love, care, patience, and self-awareness whenever possible. Take a moment and pause before reading on. Notice your body. Notice the sounds around you. Notice your feelings. Send love to all of these spaces and places.
You have permission to feel and think and say what you need to with close friends and family. Share your fear where it’s safe. Calm those that need it. Love one another. Find information from verified sources. It’s okay to be shaky, it’s okay to be fine. We’re here together.
Here, in this space together, I want to share a brief word on Subtypes and why they are significant during trying times. What are Enneagram Subtypes? In essence, each of the 9 Enneatypes breaks down further into 27 subtypes. Each type has a dominant Self-Preservation (Sp) instinct for survival, a Sexual/One-on-One (Sx) instinct for survival, or a Social Instinct (SI) for survival. I hope you catch the similar phrasing because it’s key for right now. Today, tomorrow, and in the days ahead, we’re all going to be facing situations that trigger our lizard brains and our basic human-animal need to survive.
“[The] limbic system of the brain has been implicated as the seat of emotion, addiction, mood, and lots of other mental and emotional processes. It is the part of the brain that is phylogenetically very primitive. Many people call it “The Lizard Brain” because the limbic system is about all a lizard has for brain function. It is in charge of fight, flight, feeding, fear, freezing-up, and fornication.” (Your Lizard Brain, Joseph Troncale, M.D. Psychology Today)
As you deal with disruptions, fear, change, uncertainty, isolation, or being in close quarters with loved ones for an extended period of time, you should expect your survival mechanisms to kick in. Make space for these tendencies to emerge and treat them with loving-kindness; they are only trying to help you.
But are your dominant Subtype tendencies actually going to help? This is where awareness comes in.
The wonderful thing that separates humans from animals is the ability to be aware of what we’re doing. Therefore, we can notice when our dominant Subtype begins to be triggered and lovingly ask ourselves, “How can I invite in different energy? Is this reaction truly good for me, or can I pause, and then choose something that would work better?”
In the coming weeks, I will be sharing blogs on all the 27 Subtypes, but for today read over the descriptions below and see if you can rank your survival mechanisms. What is the most dominant? What is the least? How can you grow in your less dominant areas? What are some ways that your normal triggered responses harm rather than help? What can you do to shift these patterns?
Self-Preservation: People with a Self-Preservation Subtype find that their attention and behavior are directed on procuring physical safety, resources, and comfort. They focus their energy on making sure they have shelter, food, clothing, money, and health—both for themselves and those closest to them. Self-Preservation Subtypes avoid danger if possible and try to maintain structure in work and daily living. They work hard to secure their future by thinking through plans, highlighting goals, and aligning with others who will be safe and dependable during emergencies or times of need.
Social: People with a Social subtype are usually concerned about the health and well-being of the social circle they find themselves in. They are also focused on finding and maintaining a good place within that particular tribe. Survival of the community is directly tied to the survival of the individual in their minds, and so they work for the flourishing of the whole. Their attention will be focused on belonging, relationships, and recognition, and they will feel threatened by anything that jeopardizes their role in society.
Sexual or One-to-One Bonding: This subtype’s behavior and attention are concerned with anything that has to do with the quality of a relationship with a specific individual. They are person-to-person focused — which makes sense if you think about how much effort it has taken from an evolutionary standpoint to procure a mate. Mating is the way we survive, though a Sexual subtype is not all about sex. This Subtype is also concerned with intimate friends and knowing key and influential people. They will have a longing to create connection, warmth, and intimacy with another person as a means of security.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have an interview with Sheila Hozhabri, a digital marketing powerhouse, to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Eight by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose new book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. It’s fascinating! Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself!
Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Disruption’ to summarize Type Eights. Of Eights, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in [Eight] nature is the energy of disruption. What [Eight] nature seeks and is motivated by is autonomy. [Their] primary style of engagement is action. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in control and self-sufficient. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by dominance or oppression. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as panic. The primary and practical application for [Eight] nature is to breathe and practice stillness. The healthy [Eight] nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for growth.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 54)
Thanks, Sheila, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as an Enneagram Eight!
Sheila Hozhabri
1. In what ways do you use your Type Eight easy access to anger for good? This is a difficult one. I’m not sure I’ve fully honed in on how to use it for good, but I’d say standing up for those who can’t/won’t stand up for themselves. What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? The most healthy outlet I’ve found for my anger is boxing! I started doing it over a year ago and I can’t say enough about what a positive impact it’s had on my life. The best way I can describe it is that it exhausts me, and pours water over the anger flames.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? Loyalty. I don’t let a lot of people in, and definitely not quickly, but I am a good judge of character. Everyone I meet is living up to how I’ve judged them. If they fall short of my expectations, I can take it personally, and question my judgement. I’ve been learning to grow and accept people in my life when they fall short, but a big hurdle for me is betrayal. That one is hard to get over.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We’re very emotional and loving people. We’re not always angry. We’ll be your Ride-Or-Die for life—if you don’t let us down!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? No spiritual practices, but I have gotten into meditation over the past year. Honestly, boxing has become my spiritual practice!
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in Stress to your Arrow of Type Five? In stress, I shut people out to protect myself and my heart. I feel like I need to deal with stressful things on my own, so it’s difficult for me to let others in to help me deal. What happens to your closest relationships when you move in Health/Integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I am more open, vulnerable, and forgiving. I feel like an enlightened floating yogi, who can take on the worries/stresses/concerns of those around me and help them find the grace to deal—because I’m in a graceful place myself.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For a long time I felt like I had a ball of anger in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes it would get bigger, other times smaller. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so I need to get massages regularly! HaHa. I’ve become a huge fan of box breathing to help release some of what has been absorbed. And of course, the boxing helps release that, as well. I can happily say that the ball of anger feels very controlled and small thanks to these techniques.
7. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number? I didn’t realize that so many people have an issue saying ‘no’, it’s something I’ve never struggled with. Then, I figured out that it’s a trait of being a Type Eight, and I just LOVED that. I dislike the anger aspect of being an Eight, and how what I consider to be regular expression can be miss-interpreted as anger. (Melissa: This is big. Take note. Many Eights don’t feel or see the anger they express. For them, it’s just regular talking/communication. Sometimes, it’s not actual anger, but energy or bluntness and Eights can feel grossly misunderstood.)
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? For most of my life, I would have said that I would get taken advantage of or be left upset/heartbroken because showing that side of me is revealing my weakness. I just found out about a year ago that I had difficulty with vulnerability, and it took me a while to even figure out what being vulnerable means and how to practice it. I’m currently reading Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” which has opened up my eyes and heart to fully understanding vulnerability and shame and how being vulnerable isn’t a weakness.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight (presenting) children? Know that what is perceived as anger probably isn’t. As a kid, I would usually shut down when I got really angry. Avoid “calm down” or “Don’t get so mad/upset”. Instead, acknowledge that the child is feeling an emotion and help them walk through it. That might look like going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or being silent until they can form their thoughts clearly before talking about what’s wrong.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?Yield – Breathe. Don’t be trigger happy. Take a minute. Take breaths. Form your words and then speak/react. Affection – Speak how you’re feeling (good or bad), because closing yourself off is only hurting you in the long run. Empowerment – You don’t always have to carry the burden of the load. You can also trust others not to drop it.
Sheila is a digital marketing powerhouse who has been responsible for managing several successful digital platforms for pop artists. She is a driven, creative professional who is destined for a long, dynamic career in the entertainment industry. Sheila developed at love for the music industry in her teens and moved to Nashville to attend Belmont University in 2002. While at Belmont, she took a Comparative Spirituality and World Religions class where she first learned about the Enneagram. Upon graduating from Belmont, Sheila worked in artist management for 3 years before moving to London to get her masters at the University of London. In 2013, Sheila moved to Los Angeles and began working for a digital marketing company handling digital marketing strategy for major pop acts.
Type Ones are in the Body Triad, the Compliant Stance, and their Time Orientation is the Present. When healthy, Ones are are dependable, sincere, grounded, spontaneous, and joyful. Ones have a built-in desire to improve the world, and work hard at doing so with integrity and an unshakable inner compass. Their innate sense of the natural order of things leads them to be wise advisors; accepting others who are on their own, unique paths. Healthy Ones live with mystical-like wisdom and inward peace. They also know how to laugh and engage in activities that refuel their energy and sense of play.
People are transformative entities, always in motion, not robots that act in restrictive boxes. Therefore, the descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem completely integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the spectrum of healthy/unhealthy levels in a day. In an hour even! And…keep in mind, both 1w9 and 1w2 go to Type Four in Disintegration and Type Seven in Integration, but the shades of how this looks will vary. And then there are Subtypes! Ha!
The Enneagram….always more complex and nuanced then we realize. Much like us human beings. Check out my list of Enneagram Resources for further investigation.
Type One with a Nine Wing (1w9)
Healthy: In health, 1w9s take on a shade of the big-picture thinking common in Type Nines. They care more about the state of the world and the consummate circumstances for people living in it. They can be very understanding of others and tolerant of differences, like a Type Nine. They lead by example, using their actions and life to show what they believe to be ideal, not imposing sharp criticisms on their fellow humans. They are loyal friends who care deeply about those they allow into their lives, also often soliciting the advice of these trusted loved ones in tricky situations. They have more of an ability to relax and let go, silencing the inner critic for a bit, so that their minds, bodies, and hearts can get some rest. Their manner of speaking will be be more warm and less direct. The Type Nine energy softens the intensity of their gaze and the set of their mouth. Instead of needing to have everything exist within strict guidelines, they allow certain areas of their life to simply flow.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, 1w9s turns off their body and mind more, disassociating themselves from critical thoughts, hard emotions, and unpleasant bodily sensations. They numb with things like TV, food, or alcohol. Stressed 1w9s can begin to get stuck on how much others seem to be messing around and making mistakes. They become tired and exhausted of all the work they “perceive” they’re doing for other people and the world, and give up. They metaphorically throw their hands in the air and declare the whole thing a wash. Disenchanted virtuousness becomes an excuse for all kinds of escapes; they can slack off at work, detach from important relationships and isolate themselves in order to lessen the intensity of their disappointment.
Type One with a Two Wing (1w2)
Healthy: In health, 1w2s are more in touch with their Heart Center. They have a greater access to the full range of their emotions and do much less repressing of traditionally undesirable feelings like anger or sadness. 1w2s use their incredible ability to find workable solutions to help others. They are softer and more empathetic as they come alongside those in need, knowing that they are doing the right thing by caring. But their help is boundaried, not invasive. They work for the greater good with sensitivity and a warm love. Their personal relationships take on a determined connectivity that isn’t found as much in 1w9s, and they purposefully engage in self-love and self-care, considering their own needs as much as others.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, the 1w2’s need to help becomes presumptuous; they feel they know the right thing to do in any situation. Their internal sense of righteousness (black and white thinking) gets tangled up in an unhealthy self-image of the savior. Their role is almost deified, in their own minds, as if they and God alone are in charge. If someone does not allow them to step in and fix what’s wrong, 1w2’s may take on a shade of the lower side of Type Two and vocalize their “perceived” unjust treatment through whining or complaining. They feel undervalued and unappreciated for their valiant efforts to change your life, and the world, for the better. They then martyr themselves, loudly and profusely, to such an extent that others either have to exit the relationship or take a break for a while.
A few thoughts on darkness in general. Darkness is something we try to avoid, right? And it IS awful going through a dark time or feeling in a dark place. Yet, darkness is an underrated state of being; it can actually be one of the most fertile moments in our lives. Deep stress, hurt, pain, transition, betrayal, uncertainty, and loss are all ripe for extraordinary change, growth learning, rebirth, and renewal. The following darkness ideas for each Enneagram Type might feel really “ouch”, but in actuality, are huge opportunities for growth.
The term I’m using “Darkness Growth” stems from the idea of a shadow side found in many Enneagram teachings. The shadow is characteristics, behaviors, and motivations that we exhibit but are not consciously aware. Both helpful traits and unhelpful are hidden in shadow, and can be brought to light to form a whole, integrated person.
The key with Darkness Growth is to remember we don’t shame or hate ourselves, we face the dark with courage to realize some behaviors harm us now, even if they’ve helped us survive for years. You have to love yourself first, to be able to authentically grow. Take the following thoughts and ruminate on them. See if they resonate with you in any way, and what questions you might ask yourself about what the darkness is inviting you into.
Darkness Growth Type One:
Pointing out the incorrect politics, moral failings, and questionable behavior of others to make the world better and prove your own goodness, only serves to exhaust you and alienate people. How can you embrace the spectrum of humanity?
Darkness Growth Type Two:
Cultivating an image of how good you are by constantly being there for others actually serves to disconnect you from your true feelings and personhood, turning you from falsely helpful to demanding and needy. How can you love yourself well first?
Darkness Growth Type Three:
Your character-shifting gets you admiration, likes, and success, but when it comes time to be intimate and love deeply, you will struggle because you don’t know who is the real you to share. How can you be still, in order to connect with yourself more fully?
Darkness Growth Type Four:
Idealization of self and others pulls people in, then pushes them away. This pattern solidifies your untrue victim status when people get fed up and leave. But you’re not a victim, you’re the perpetrator. How can you empower yourself with commitment?
Darkness Growth Type Five:
Your boundaries keep people from hurting you and affecting your perceived safety. But when shit hits the fan, you won’t have a network of people to help when you really can’t help yourself. Your aloneness will be real. How can you let others in?
Darkness Growth Type Six:
The search for certainty in situations and people is a self-defeating survival tool. Eventually everything will disappoint you, confirming an untrue belief that the world is unsafe. How can you shift your perspective to realistic optimism?
Darkness Growth Type Seven:
If you only show people the fun, energetic, happy side of you, they will come to think you’re truly happy all the time. It’s then not their fault that they don’t check on you or see the pain you’re experiencing. How can you share your heart?
Darkness Growth Type Eight:
You can technically treat people however you want, disregarding their feelings or etiquette. But then, when you realize you have tender, needy feelings that require love and nurturing, don’t expect compassion. How can you treat others better?
Darkness Growth Type Nine:
You can be so affable and nice that people forget you exist sometimes. The desire to avoid sticky situations backfires to eject you from a life that needs your active presence. How can you shine today?
Welcome back from the holidays, Ennea-lovers! I hope you all had a good (not-too-stressful) season with family, friends, and loved ones. Today on the blog, we’re diving back into Enneagram subtype interviews. I love hearing from readers and fellow Ennea-nerds on Twitter and IG! It’s fun to learn from and alongside each other as we explore the nuance and depth of the Enneagram.
We‘re going to continue to look to Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram, for a quick Sx Seven roundup. Her book is amazing, and I would totally recommend it for researching subtypes. About Sx Sevens she says,”Contrary to what we might expect from this ‘Sexual’ Seven subtype, this Seven is not so much focused on sex as they are on the essence of love. Sexual Sevens fall in love very easily, but they’re not as interested in having sex with someone as they are in attaining a kind of idealized ultimate connection…They are gluttons for things of the higher world, and this makes them dreamers. They often feel an attraction to spiritual or metaphysical experience, as well as to extraordinary or esoteric things…For the Sexual Seven, earthly things take effort, and can therefore feel boring or tedious, whereas the mind works easily and without friction. It’s much easier to imagine doing something than to actually do it.”(Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram, She Writes Press, 2013)
Sexual Type Sevens
Both Sevens chose to remain anonymous for this post. Thank you each so much for being here on Enneagram Paths!
Anonymous Seven I
1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? It has been liberating. When I first started this journey, I believed that I was a Social Seven. That it was about my social standing and being in a group. But more and more, I have looked at myself and realized I am a One-on-One/Sexual Seven. I love that I really am about a deep connection to others and get energy from close relationships. In health—at my best—I bring an energy and optimism to deep conversations to let people know that I have learned to step into my pain and that there is life on the other side of pain.
2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy?Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? It was in this area of my life that through reading and learning about the Enneagram, I knew I was a Type Seven. I wanted that connection, and if it was not happening organically, I would do anything I could to manufacture intimacy. Due to childhood trauma and false intimacy, I became addicted to wanting that connection. Pornography became a way for me to have that “intimacy”. I have also had to learn how to not force intimacy in friendships and my close relationships when they just needed a more light-hearted connection. When I get to have meaningful time with friends and close relationships, it fuels me for a while. I do, however, find myself in the middle of that time planning for the next time an interaction can happen.
3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? Stress for me means that others aren’t doing things right, and I become pretty hard on people. Many times, I do not voice my frustrations; I am making judgements in my mind. When stressed, I want to feel good, so I will turn to addictions. Food, drink, etc. I dislike when I am in this space, so I find ways to make the discomfort go away for a while. In health, I am on a quest to learn more, to love well and to give grace. I find that I want to learn about human behavior, so I read and listen to podcasts. I can sit with people in their pain and be sympathetic and directive. I am an energy that helps get things done and lighten the mood if heavy.
AnonymousSeven II
1. What does it mean to you to be a Sexual Type Seven? Being a Sexual Type Seven means that I care a lot about other people. I love to give to people and see them for the best that they can be! I mainly see the world that way too, through the most positive outlook. It can even mean that I sometimes don’t accept criticism or negative feelings at all. I can be more sensitive than other Sevens.
2. How does the Sexual Instinct as a Seven shade your need for sexual intimacy, close relationships and friendships, and a connection to your bodily energy?Which of these needs do you most require to feel safe? I am very aware of my need for other people. I have a select few close friends who I know I can tell anything to, but I also have many others who I’d consider friends. I think that the sexual instinct causes me to crave intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I need someone who will look after me when I don’t know how to; when my emotions are going crazy. It also probably causes me to be confident in my body. I feel like because I see things in such a positive way, I connect to my body more easily than others. I’m aware of how I treat my body, and practice yoga and meditation often. I think the need I require the most to feel safe is knowing that I have a strong base of friends who will always listen and who connect with me by keeping in touch.
3. What does Stress look like for you as a Sexual Seven? What does Integration/Health look like for you as a Sexual Seven? When I am stressed, I tend to shut down. I feel overwhelmed, like every word and sound is too much. I have to take time to breathe and refocus or I’ll panic. It really helps when someone can calm me down and tell me that everything will be okay. The most healthy me is when I can say no to destructive patterns of impulsiveness and think before I act. I am most healthy when I am aware of ALL my emotions, even the sadness and frustration that I might ignore/deny when I’m stressed.
Loved having and hearing from you amazing Sevens! – Melissa
Whether we’re white, black, olive, tan or any of the million shades in between. Whether we have dark hair or fair, curly or straight. Whether we identify as male, female, or on any part of the gender spectrum. Whether thin or curvy, tall or short, differently-abled, or facing chronic illness. The truth is, not only do we all HAVE bodies, we all ARE bodies.
Our bodies need love and care. They need attention. Listen to your body. Give it what it asks for. Let it have a brownie, nap, bath, crazy fast run, boxing session, silk pajamas, or time to sit in silence. Be patient and kind to your physical self. It holds just as much wisdom as your heart and mind!
Here are some quick body positivity tips for each Enneagram Type.
Body Positivity for Type One: I am not perfect. No diet or exercise routine will ever make me as happy with my body as I can be right now, loving it exactly as is. How can I relax and listen to my body today, taking joy in giving it whatever it needs?
Body Positivity for Type Two: My body is deserving of time and attention. I will lavish it with good food, exercise, rest, and tons of compliments. I will take time apart from others so I may tune into its personal messages for me.
Body Positivity for Type Three: I do not need to push my body past its limits. Tiredness is my body telling me to rest. Rest is good for me, thank you body for reminding me of this truth.
Body Positivity for Type Four: Emotions are valuable, but they are not always reality. I can walk and enjoy the sunshine, go for a run, laugh, or eat a comforting meal. I will move my body and let its wisdom resonate within.
Body Positivity for Type Five: My body is me, not just my brain. I will take it to the dentist, get that mole checked, cook it a full healthy meal, not just another egg sandwich because I’m too engrossed in a project. I will exercise, do yoga, breathe deeply. I will love and trust the physical me.
Body Positivity for Type Six: There is most likely nothing wrong with me. I will stop googling symptoms. I will learn to trust my body. It’s strong and wise, and will tell me exactly what it needs. And if I’m dealing with illness or pain, I will remember to be tender and kind, speaking to my body with gentleness and care.
Body Positivity for Type Seven: I can sit down, be still, and quiet. I will take a minute to thank my body for all the things it allows me to do. Imagine how every single cell shows up and does its job. Isn’t my body glorious?
Body Positivity for Type Eight: My body is not a thing to be mastered or beaten into submission. I will take baths. I will get massages. I will listen to it tell me to sleep, eat, and snuggle with other people. I will accept love into my life through my body.
Body Positivity for Type Nine: My body holds ancient, evolved wisdom. I will honor my body by not smothering its voice. I won’t numb it. Instead, I’ll listen, it has life-giving, freeing things to tell me.
*For all Types: And if I need medication, I will take medication. There is no shame in balanced brain chemistry.*
