“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” ― Eric Roth,The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay
Happy Monday, Enneagram Paths friends! Welcome back. I hope this post finds you safe and well. Today, we’re going to discuss time, specifically how each Enneagram Type has a dominant Time Orientation. For an in-depth look at this idea, I’d recommend The Enneagram Journey podcast Episode 50 by Suzanne Stabile. Basically, there are three (and doesn’t the Enneagram love that number?) Time Orientations: Past, Present, and Future.
Knowing our dominant Time Orientation helps us adjust our perspective when conflicts arise, allowing us to see other sides of a situation, and supporting us in working to understand where other people might be coming from in relation to their focus of attention. Which is the long and short of what Time Orientation is; it’s where we focus most of our thoughts and attention. We have access to all three orientations, so if you’re a Past Oriented person, consciously choosing to experience the present moment or planning for future goals would be healthy, holistic practices to engage in. If you’re a Future Oriented human, then reflect on the past; what went well or wrong, and what you can learn from those encounters, as well as trying to be present in each moment. If you’re Present Oriented, then past and future thinking will help you move out of getting lost in the moment. The key is always balance, accepting and loving how our Type has helped us survive, then inviting in new energies as we work toward integration.
*Please note: Right now, due to Covid shutdowns globally, we are experiencing time trauma; simultaneously processing a future that’s unknown, a present that changes hourly, and past that is re-evaluated. Hopeful trends can be sent backward, past lows can be interpreted as positive. This all at once present, past, and future shifting has us in a kind of “time warp” that can have real impact on our mental, emotional, and physical health. This is different from working toward Enneagram Time Orientation balance. Please make sure you are “making time” to process the disorientation of time. Talk to someone else. Listen to your heart and body. It’s okay to feel totally out of whack.
Past Time Orientation
Type Four:
Four’s emotions and thoughts center most often on what has already happened, what they regret, or an ideal experience they romanticize.
Type Five:
Five’s thoughts center most often on analyzing what has already happened, making sense of previous experiences and feelings, and coming up with logical solutions to earlier problems.
Type Nine:
Nines ruminate about how their lives were both positive and negative in the past, feeling stuck and unable to alter negative patterns or improve the good ones.
Present Time Orientation
Type One:
One’s act in either a flurry of movement or methodical steps, to correct and perfect moment-by-moment the things that come to their attention.
Type Two:
Type Two’s emotions and thoughts center often on what someone else needs, seeking to fulfill it immediately, without regard to past experiences or future consequences.
Type Six:
Sixes immerse themselves in whatever current situation is triggering the Type’s “danger” warning system.
Future Time Orientation
Type Three:
Threes are planning how to efficiently complete the next task and thinking about ways to successfully achieve their goals.
Type Seven:
Sevens can be constantly in motion, thinking about what next fun thing to do and moving toward an ever-evolving horizon.
Type Eight:
Eights seek to pave the way toward their goals by planning exactly how to power past any and all obstacles.
According to master teachers Don Riso and Russ Hudson, each Enneagram Type has a Basic Fear. These fears drive the patterned survival habits of thought, behavior, and emotion that make up each Type.
When we practice being aware of our Type’s Basic Fear, we can calm and heal these drives in ourselves. When the fear flares, we speak positive, true messages and lovingly invite in new energy.
“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Good morning Enneagram Paths people! I hope you are safe and well. I’m sending out love, presence, and light to you all during these heavy times.
Today, we finish the Type Eight series with two amazing people in the house! Carly Bergey and Greta Sutherland have graciously allowed me to interview them and ask what it’s like to be a Type Eight. Their answers put me in the mind, body, and emotions of an Eight and are so helpful! It’s great to hear from real people about how the Enneagram is impacting their lives. Thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
Carly Bergey
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? I tend to be a person that speaks up about things, like that parent who continues to break the rules at the school drop-off line, or when a person glued to their phone is obviously blocking foot traffic on Main Street. It could be something bigger, like calling out a racist joke at work or when someone “accidentally” gropes me on a bus. I will speak up about it. The slowly simmering anger inside me is ready to appropriately respond and take action.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? As an Enneagram Eight, I need my people to match my intensity. In my safe inner circle, I want others to celebrate, grieve, and fight with me. In social situations, I secretly hope others will not wither when I bring my A-game. I can be intense and wish more people had the confidence to really engage, disagree, even make fun of me.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? I want people to understand that what you perceive as anger from me may not be. My deep desire is to authentically connect, but sometimes, intensity becomes a substitute for intimacy. Something made us grow up too fast. The origin of our behavior is being unsafe at some point. I have a deeply tender core part of my identity, and assuming the best in me goes a long way.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? Meditation, quiet, grounding practices like yoga help me.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I communicate with my partner when I need to go into what I call “whale mode” (toward Type Five). I enjoy isolation, but don’t want to be forgotten. My partner will check in on me over the course of time and ask how I’m feeling. However, our general rule is: I don’t want to talk and I want to be alone. When moving toward Type Two, I tend to think about others more than myself, put their needs above myself, and try to do tangible works to make them feel happy.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For me, in stress, this means my body tends to communicate to me and that’s how I have honed my self awareness over the years. It starts in my body (and voice) and that literally helps me realize I need to reset in some way. The really interesting thing is to reverse stress, I also use body and voice work to access my nervous system so I can self-regulate. Sensory activities, humming, breath work helps a ton.
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I love going through life with confidence. I truly empathize with those who are lacking in it and much of my work involves giving away as much confidence as I can. I do feel frustrated by how much anger I feel at times.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? The memoir I wrote is deeply emotional and vulnerable. I discuss my voice loss and recovery and those of my patients in it. I do hope if it ever releases, that I will be known for being loving and tender in addition to strong. That would make me very proud and speak to so much self care I’ve done over the years to be safe enough to do so.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? As an Eight, I longed for the modeling of emotional regulation from my parents. Big feelings need big patience. On the flip side, Eights need trust. Trust that they can do the big thing they want to do. Give them tools to blow everyone away. Type Eight kids can start businesses, advocacy campaigns, clubs. We are natural leaders. Let us lead. Especially Eight girls. Show them they have a sit at the table.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?
Yield: My first thought is corrupt powers need to do this.
Affection: It makes me slightly sad. I always need more than I seem to let on.
Empowerment: If leadership in US doesn’t give it, we will take it.
Carly Bergey, M.A., CCC-SLP is a speech-language pathologist and writer with expertise in voice care. A rich, musical inheritance passed to her from hard-working gigging parents. This lead to the study of music at Belmont University and eventually a love of the science of voice as well. Now Carly uses her voice for work and play, helping other voices speak themselves into their stories more fully with authenticity and health. Her memoir details the transformative work of finding one’s voice and is currently seeking publication. She provides individual coaching sessions in person and via zoom. Contact her through www.carlybergey.com
Greta Sutherland
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? This question is difficult since most all my answers come back to helping an ‘underdog’ in some form or another. For example: I got involved in the political process in 2008 and managed a field office to elect Obama. I poured a lot of energy into that process but…it was my anger over the lack of equal treatment for lower income peoples that instigated my involvement. I saw the vast discrepancy in education and work availability where I lived and decided to take action. But that was using my anger for standing up for people I felt needed my action by helping elect a candidate I felt was qualified to make serious change. Your disclaimer in the question made it very difficult to answer! 😊
I’ll answer the question this way: when anger fills me up, I release it by tackling a project I’ve been putting off. Undirected anger often helps re-direct my procrastination. Whether it’s cleaning or researching or taking a walk – anger almost always subsides when I USE MY HANDS and my body in a physical way. I’d love to say I take a 25-mile run when I get angry, but nah! I have many hobbies that are a way of engaging my hands which in turn frees my thoughts to sort themselves out. One of my favorite activities since I was a kid has been mowing the grass. It’s physical. It’s solitary. And it releases pent up angst as well as gives plenty of time to process through confusing feelings.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? It certainly doesn’t feel like an admirable thing to admit, but when I sniff out weakness of any kind in another person, I get frustrated and dismissive and have to consciously pay attention to anything they say because my tendency is to immediately write them off. I’m working hard on this. When a friend asks if I want to get together for coffee and we have the time and place decided in three texts or less – I’m ecstatic and have a high respect for that person. But when someone is ‘overly considerate’ and gives me a lot of ‘I don’t care, whatever you want’, it makes my insides twist.
Honesty is of paramount importance to an Eight. ‘Little white lies’ equate to trickery which means you’re questioning my intelligence. To find out someone has been dishonest with me sticks with me and it’s hard to ever trust them again. Likewise, when someone is straight up honest with me, my respect for them (even if I disagree with what they’re saying) increases exponentially. Along these lines, passive-aggressive behavior is another form of dishonesty to an Eight. We value direct communication, so passive aggressiveness is not valued or respected.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We are not all ‘bulls in a china closet’. I am very comfortable not being in charge…as long as I feel like someone competent IS in charge. I don’t have to be the loudest or the leader. Many times, in fact, I prefer not to be. (Although committee work is from the very depths of hell. Ugh!) If I perceive a lack of leadership, I will step in – but I don’t have to be in that position from the start.
I do not have to be right. I am willing to compromise if a well-thought-out alternative is presented. I’m willing to change, but only if it makes sense to do so. I can even go along with a change that I don’t agree with if it appears that the person in charge believes strongly in the new direction. Again, an Eights direct communication is offered as a helpful tool to get straight to the problem or issue but it is NOT intended to be offensive.
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? This has taken many decades to figure out. Denominations that feel to me too ‘touchy feely’ in their worship make me markedly uncomfortable. I like a more cerebral approach to corporate worship and expression. It feels the most natural to me and more representative of my relationship with God. In the past few years I have learned the enormous value of meditation in my life. Prayer is an active process which generally involves a focus on the past and/or future. Meditation, by contrast, is a non-active process of staying grounded in the present moment. The right now. That’s how I differentiate these two imperative spiritual practices in my faith.
5. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? Unfortunately anger and frustration works it way through my body in the form of high blood pressure, digestive issues, a red face and rapid heartbeat. This is another side effect I’ve had to learn to recognize. Catching the early warning signs and heading them off before they get out of control is something I have had to work at over and over again. Meditation breathing is a big help. The simple act of getting in the car and rolling the windows down helps realign the physical actions happening in my body. I’ve always wished I’d taken up boxing as an exercise because I think it would do a lot to relieve the stress that accumulates inside my body. Short answer: breathing and moving my body are key to a healthier way to process adversity.
6. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? I am a good leader when called on. I am intuitive and a good strategic planner. I am able to listen to other views and discern whether or not that would work better. I like the pre-thought I put into events because I usually have already foreseen the worst-case scenario and am able to avoid it with good organizational methods. I like that people will turn to me for honest insight and to get something accomplished in the most efficient way.
I become very frustrated with the differences in communication styles between an Eight and other numbers. It has caused a lot of relational harm over the years that was unintentional and often caught me completely off guard.
7. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? Awkwardness comes to mind first. People perceive me to be one thing and it always feels immensely uncomfortable to show a more vulnerable side. Very very very few people have seen that side of me. I am the 90% underwater of the iceberg analogy. I share my thoughts often, but rarely do I share the feelings surrounding them. A common phrase in my life is, “I think that…” because that’s what is easiest to articulate my thoughts about a given topic. A big part of the reason I don’t communicate my feelings about a subject is that I have such a difficult time understanding what they are myself. I had a best friend in my young adult life that would listen to me wax eloquent about an event or issue and after I was finished she would say, “And how did that make you feel?” She understood that was the part I was having the most trouble sifting through. Even now, I hear Charlene in my head asking me that question. Writing is my outlet for emotions. As I am writing, I am simultaneously learning how I feel about the topic.
8. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? Give your Eight child time!!! For instance, if they come home from a big event all excited and hyped up, a good response would be, “Let’s set some time tomorrow afternoon to talk about it. I’d love to hear what it was like.”
Because Eights are intimate partners with anger, they don’t understand that there are other underlying feelings. I was embarrassed or felt ashamed or disappointed or sad. Those feelings don’t bubble up to the surface easily, it just all feels like anger. Help your child by modeling what those feelings are like in your own life. Identify them for yourself when they happen and what the context was in which they happened. An Eight will hear you talking about it and more readily identify it in their own life. (But don’t say, “I felt embarrassed and maybe that’s how you feel sometimes.” Telling an Eight how they feel has a very negative affect.)
The worst phrase in the English language is “Just chill.” AAAAAACCKK! I want to grab someone’s neck when they say that to me. Again, telling an Eight how they think or feel creates a very opposite and detrimental result. When at all possible, move your upset Eight child into action. I think if a parent would say to me, “We’ll talk about this later. For right now, we’re going to go on a walk around the block but we cannot talk to each other until we get to Kellie’s house. Or until we get home.” Giving them the excuse to not ‘talk about it’ immediately will allow them time to process. Another helpful tool for me as a child would have been to suggest (but not in a punitive way), ‘Why don’t you sit down this evening and write me a letter describing how this situation made you feel and why you reacted the way you did. Then we’ll talk about it; maybe I missed something that you understood.’
Saying ‘this is what you need to do today’ is very constricting to an Eight child. Or adult! Where at all possible, saying ‘this needs to get done by this date’ allows the child constitution to decide when the chore needs to be completed. It puts them in control of the outcome and that’s where they like to be.
An adult side-note: The adage ‘Never go to bed angry’ is advice that does not necessarily apply to an Eight. Making a plan to talk about something at a later time allows the Eight to work through that Big Ball of Anger (that greatly resembles a ball of rubber bands) and to begin sorting through all the junk they’re feeling in their bodies, lay them out neatly on the table in front of them and then sort through everything again for the things that would be useful to discuss. Whether it’s working with an Eight child or working with an Eight spouse, when it’s time to talk about things, ask questions! ask questions! ask questions! (Big big BIG advice!) Don’t just say ‘Tell me about what you’re feeling.’ It’s virtually impossible for an Eight to do that. But when you start asking me specific questions, I can articulate my feelings best because it gives me small chunks of information to work through at a time.
Greta Williams Sutherland: I am retired from the non-profit world of environmental advocacy. I’m currently a book reviewer for book publishers and an obsessive houseplant hoarder, living in Northern California (transplanted from Kansas City, Missouri – GO CHIEFS!) with my Seven husband who works for Union Pacific Railroad. We are adventurers at heart and enjoy traveling at any available moment, exploring and experiencing new cultures and environments. Blog: botanyandbookends.com
Kim Parker of WayfindingLife.org says this about Enneagram Shadow work, “The Enneagram shows us the shadow side of our gifts and reveals the games we often unknowingly play. Although these can be difficult to face, doing so is part of a path that leads us toward freedom. Taking an honest look at ourselves, through the lens of the Enneagram, provides us with the awareness needed to let go of our unhelpful tendencies and patterns of behavior. Furthermore, as we begin to practice ‘letting go’ we are set free to be a more whole and loving p/Presence in the world.”
I love this! Something I often say to my coaching clients is that not only are struggles and weaknesses hidden in Shadow, so are amazing strengths.
Our Shadow Sides are places and spaces in our personality makeup that can be unconscious on a regular basis. However, when we dig into the darkness, a whole lot of light begins to shine, and we’re made aware of a myriad of exciting and challenging aspects of each Type’s survival mechanisms. Be kind to yourself as you investigate your Shadow Side. Always enter the work with kindness and love—and feel free to get in touch with me if you need an Enneagram Coach to guide you along this process!
Concealed in Shadow: Type One
The Type One’s Shadow conceals true desires and the need for spontaneity, levity, and joy. To preserve order, the Shadow suppresses undesired emotions like personal pain, melancholy, and deep frustration.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Two
The Type Two’s Shadow conceals the paradoxical belief that they’re deserving of royal treatment and that they’re only as good as what they give. They have a hidden thirst for love and attention. A need to express anger is also in shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Three
The Type Three’s Shadow conceals unconscious self-deception. They believe in the positive images they project, and suppress insecurity, fear, and vulnerability—all of which help them get in touch with their True Selves.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Four
The Type Four’s Shadow conceals an unconscious victimhood; a self-perpetuating cycle of lack and loss. It also hides a great wealth of happiness, satisfaction, capability, normality, and energetic action.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Five
The Type Five’s Shadow conceals a deep longing for connection, a vast wealth of wants and needs, fear of rejection, great power, emotionality, and a wise, unwavering strength that sources itself in Universe.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Six
The Type Six’s Shadow conceals a depth of connection to Source/Divine and self. There is a unconscious drive for ultimate security which can never be satisfied. Many actions are motivated by a fear of retribution from authority.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Seven
The Type Seven’s Shadow conceals the full spectrum of their inner emotional life, and a true ability to hone and focus attention. Feelings of insecurity and “unknown-ness” are also hidden in Shadow.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Eight
The Type Eight’s Shadow conceals the purest parts of themselves because they are the least accessed: softness, innocence, and vulnerability. Their Shadow also hides insecurities that Eight’s refuse to admit.
Concealed in Shadow: Type Nine
The Type Nine’s Shadow conceals a layered emotionality, often with a deep reserve of rage/anger that must be expressed…to then access a kind of grief over abandoning themselves for so long.
Welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Thank you for being here during strange and difficult times. I’m sending out love and light to all of you as we collectively deal with the tragedy and hardships of Covid-19. Please feel free to reach out if you need support. Coaching is a deeply intuitive space where, together, we explore places that need healing, embodiment, and self-love.
Today, I’m honored to have April Jordon on the blog to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
The Enneagram Institute says this about Eights, “Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self- mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring. [They] want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.” (Type Eight, The Enneagram Institute)
Thanks, April, for sharing about your experiences as a Type Eight with all of us!
1. In what ways do you use your easy access to anger for good? What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? My anger fuels me in the best way. I love accessing my anger because it drives me to solve problems big and small (why not save the world if you can, right?). I can’t stand inaction, and become quickly frustrated when issues are at a standstill, so I take that anger and channel it into finding solutions that work for everybody. I do my utter best to further the interests of the group (social subtype 8 here!)
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? I look for honesty, honesty, honesty! I have mad respect for anyone who can just “own their shit.” I love it when people know who they are and can ask for their needs to be met, set healthy boundaries and help others while they’re at it.
To live up to that, start by being honest with yourself first. I know it’s hard sometimes and can be an ongoing process, but it’s so worth it when you come out the other side as a powerful, free, generous and self-loving being. Plus the healthy 8s in your life will love you for it.
People tend to fall short, for me, because they avoid pain and discomfort. I really think this is the root of a lot of the seemingly benign dishonesty in the world. People simply don’t want to deal with things, so they tell what seems to be a little white lie. But I firmly believe that telling lies, even small ones, takes the other person’s power away, and that’s not cool with me. And I should note that, of course, there are some things that are just nobody’s business, you don’t want to get into, or you’re not at liberty to share. I wouldn’t consider hiding that a lie. But if the information involves another person or could affect their life, I so appreciate when people are real about that stuff.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? Well, I can only really speak for myself, but here are three things I wish people understood about me as an 8:
– I want the factual truth, the whole factual truth, and nothing but the factual truth. Every time. Knowing the cold hard facts helps me feel secure and (again) like you’re being honest and looking out for me, too. Once I know the facts, I normally move to compassion and start looking for those solutions I love so much – even if the solution is just to sit and listen to you tell me about your day.
– I know I can seem intense. I’m working on knowing when and where to let that all hang out – promise! In the meantime, please do me a solid and know that I’m not angry at you. If I’m angry at you specifically, I will say so!
– I act like I have it all together, and most of the time I genuinely do. But if you’re one of my close friends or family it means so much to me if I know I can rely on you for support on the days when I’m feeling run down. And on that vein, please don’t assume I can help you out or pick up the slack on something. I am probably willing and able, but please ask first – haha! This isn’t usually an issue in my life – my family and friends are the bomb. But I’m putting it out there for anyone reading this!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? I grew up Christian, but recently abandoned the faith after years and years of searching for answers to my big questions and coming up dry. I talk about this a lot on a podcast I co-host called the Curiously Strong Podcast. Nowadays, I do yoga – I love the quiet strength it takes to stay in the poses and stay present through the pain. It’s a great release for me. I also do a lot of adult coloring books. I find it somewhat meditative.
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in stress to your Arrow of Type Five? What happens to your closest relationships when you move in health/integration to your Arrow of Type Two? Going to Type Five looks like losing sight of my intuition and researching the crap out of everything to feel strong and capable again, which takes up a lot of time. I withdraw to spend time on my projects, distance myself from my spouse, friends and family, and hoard energy and resources. It strains my marriage because there is a clear divide between my normal energetic self and my stressed self. Also, if people reach out, I often don’t reply for fear that they want something from me that I can’t provide. It becomes very, very lonely and stressful.
Going to Type Two looks like building community and spending energy looking after others. I become more willing to bend to meet the needs of my spouse, friends and family and lose a bit of my “edge” (which always makes me a little sad, I have to say). I open up and become a little more comfortable with my feelings. Going to Two is incredibly painful because I realize how isolated I usually am and how protected I usually try to be. It’s worth it, though. The people around me are so kind.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? Oh boy. Where to begin! One thing I do is “somatize” everything, which means that everything I experience mentally or emotionally creates a distinct bodily response. For example, stress isn’t experienced as an emotion, rather my neck and jaw will tense up. If someone is upset with me, I don’t respond with emotion and may not even think much of it, but my stomach may become upset. When I accomplish something, I can feel a wave of peace and ease wash over my body. If I’m really happy, I can almost feel electricity coursing through my body, spurring me forward! It’s really hard to describe what this is like, but in short, almost everything happens as a body response first, then a mental response, then an emotional response. I hope that makes sense!
7. What do you love about your number? What is frustrating about your number? Healthy 8s are just the best, haha!! I am proud to be part of a group who shows up 110% to everything and has the strength to affect real change and empower others to do the same. I love my confidence and how much I care about “my people.” If you’re someone I love and trust, I’d give my left arm to keep you healthy and safe! Unhealthy 8s, however, are awful. Having such strength and determination is pretty destructive if we don’t pay attention to others’ needs and where they’re at.
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? People would take advantage of it. That’s about all there is to it, haha!
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight children? (Totally selfish question!) If you strictly enforce a rule, be willing to explain the logic behind it. Nothing made me want to smash through boundaries like the “because I said so” answer. If I was still asking “why?” it was because the adults hadn’t convinced me that what they were telling me to do was a good or efficient or logical idea. 8 kids are smart – give us logic!
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days? Yield – yikes. This one is hard for me, but I’m getting better. I selectively choose people who are clearly better than me at things and try to learn from them. I am willing to take a backseat to someone who can prove their competence and confidence in an area.
Affection – another yikes! This word really gives me the heebie-jeebies. But again, I think I’m getting better. I have a lot of 9s and 2s (or w2s) around me and I appreciate their softness. They give me space to open up slowly and test the waters at my own pace.
Empowerment – HELL YEAH! I love this word. I generally feel so empowered in life – like the world is mine for the taking – and I want that for everyone else. As a social 8, I do my very best to spread the power and help others, especially women, find it within themselves. You’ve got this!
April Jordan is a sustainability and social justice advocate from Vancouver, BC, Canada. By day she slings words as a Communications professional, and by night she slings words some more with her sustainable lifestyle and fashion blog and Instagram – The Honest Root. Other than that, you can usually find April up a mountain, in a coffee shop or thrifting at a local vintage or consignment shop. She would love for you to reach out and connect about any of the afore mentioned topics, or just to say hello.
Type 1: You know that you will need areas of control, structure, and productivity. Try to schedule these times when you are NOT parenting. Create zones during the day where you can cook, clean, deal with finances, work, or organize—when children are on their screens, doing schoolwork (on their own), or are being watched by your partner, roommate, spouse, grandparent, online babysitter, or in bed. Instead of trying to fight against your gifting and real need for order, work WITH it! Set aside “parenting time” where you as the adult understand things with kiddos will get messy, chaotic, loud, and unpredictable. After your parenting time, make sure not only are you allowing yourself productivity, but also that you’re physically exerting any emotions stored up during the day. Box in the garage, run on a treadmill, scream into a pillow (we all need this sometimes), practice yoga, or dance to a raging good song! Additionally, please add in times of pleasure: read a book, drink wine, listen to music, talk to a friend on the phone, order something online, draw, craft…whatever brings you joy!
Type 2: Be aware of your need to be SO helpful to your kiddos while they are home and adjusting to homeschool, lack of social connection, and generally being stuck-the-heck indoors! Also, there’s the whole germ-y thing that they’re trying to process. It’s weird and overwhelming for you all. However, make sure you don’t overwhelm THEM. Give your children some space to connect with their teachers, therapists, and friends online, and resist the urge to ask them about it. Give them space. While this space is being taken, please use it to look inward. Ask yourself what YOU need and then provide it if you can. If you’re living with a partner, spouse, or parent, ask them to meet some of your needs. Ask them to listen to your feelings. There are so many feelings. You’re dealing with an ultra-focus on immediate family, while also worrying about all the other friends and loved ones in your life. Trust that they will still be there, and allow yourself to relax. Meditate. Take a bath. Work out. Journal. Paying attention to you will help the whole family structure become even more healthy.
Type 3: Being home and in quarantine with your kiddos is going to test you, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent. Your need is to do and achieve. This isn’t possible when parenting during a crisis situation in which you’re all stuck together in one space. Make room for the rage that will emerge. Plan for it. Create a physical space that you can vent the inevitable frustration that arises when dealing with kids who have tons of energy, wills of their own, and are dealing with as much change and upheaval as you. How can you succeed? You can create work, home, cleaning, grocery shopping, exercise, or mental health goals to accomplish. Focus your main thrust of energies there, so that when it comes to parenting, you can relax more and go with the flow. Resist the urge to turn off and disconnect. Instead, think about ways you can help your children flourish. What does the team need right now? Ask your partner, roommate, spouse, parents, or other parent friends for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, your super-strength is authenticity. Be you, that’s what your kids truly need.
Type 4: Fours under stress move into Two energy, which means that you have a high likelihood of going into “superparent” mode during a quarantine. At first, it might feel good to meet everyone’s needs, be warm, helpful, giving, loving, and serving…but after a while this modality will take a toll. It’s okay. Expect that you will blow up with frustration and unrequited needs at some point. If/when this happens, allow yourself space to be. Withdraw like your Four self requires and allow a spouse, partner, parent, or the TV to watch your kids for a couple of hours. Use this time to walk, sit in the sun, write poetry, draw, scream in the car, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Create a schedule to complete your work, as well. Your job is just as important as your parenting. Love on you, and resist the urge to think you can never be enough. You already ARE enough. Bring back to your kiddos a sense of beauty in the mundane and creative ways to endure and find fun amidst a strange, bewildering time.
Type 5: Quarantine sounds like it’d be the answer to a Five’s social prayers except for two things. 1) We NEED people. 2) If you’re a Five parent you will get way too much people for a while. Lovingly accept your energy limitations and plan for them. Kids (of all ages) will suck more from you than you will ever have to give. Create spaces during the day where you can be totally off. Let another caregiver take over and hide in your room, closet, car, shower…anywhere you can have uninterrupted alone time to think and refuel. Again, if you’re a single parent, ain’t nothing wrong with letting a screen be your babysitter for a while! If you can, create separate space to do your job. Fives need time to think, time to work, and time to parent—all separately, or you burn out fast! Your Five parent superpower is attention, so pay attention to how your kiddos moods and energies shift, allowing non-attached space for the day to morph according to their needs. You’re great at disseminating information to kids in age-appropriate ways, and right now kids need to have real talks with facts and data, tailored to what they can understand. Find moments of true joy and enjoyment with your kids, these will become memories you’ll cherish for a long time to come.
Type 6: This is your time, you’ve been prepared, and now that it’s here, you’re both calm and terrified, probably in waves that push and pull at you with disorientating intensity. The great news is that kids will thrive under quarantine with a Six parent who knows what’s what and how to handle the intense things happening. You’re uniquely gifted to bring you children a sense of safety and readiness right now. Watch out for the tendency to discuss too much of the world’s crisis in front of your kids. It might feel good to talk, talk, talk about Covid-19 and the potential ramifications, but this anxiety can easily bleed into your children, causing them to feel terrified and possibly hide that terror from you. Be aware that in stress you push a little harder, become a bit more driven, and expect too much from your body. Temper this with family meditation practices, slow walks, relaxed homeschooling, and playful games.
Type 7: Oh, wonderful Seven parents from whom quarantine with your kids probably initially felt like someone was building a brick wall around you—a brick wall of inescapable torture! Your need for adventure, change, pleasure, and fun now has to be exercised in a limited space with limited people who, let’s be honest, are sometimes less than fun! Here’s the upside of being a Seven parent during quarantine, you’re gifted at sucking the joyful marrow out of anything. You have a superpower of turning a house into an adventure, a backyard into a mysterious play land. If your kids are older, think of all the ideas you’ll have to help them creatively attack their schoolwork, meeting virtually with friends, trying new hobbies, and investigating themselves. You’re deep, loving parents who have a wealth of care and emotional space to offer your children during this trying time. Make sure to extend creative thinking to yourself, finding unique ways to get the movement, energy, and variety you truly need to be your best self. Take the dog for a walk, invest in a master class, read interesting books, learn new trades, build stuff, tackle the yard work, and vent your feelings to the good old clouds whenever you can! (No one can see you talking to yourself now!) If you’re working from home, be aware that kids will test your propensity to inattentiveness, so carve out specific time to focus on and complete work tasks.
Type 8: Understand you’re a ball of intensity with a molten heart of gold. While your protected innocence makes you an amazing parent and lover of kids of all ages, during this time where triggers and emotions are running high, you’ll have to pay attention to your driven urges. Kids need space to be themselves; whether that means quiet, sad, joyful, funny, apathetic, withdrawn, or causing a ruckus. Metaphorically sit on your hands when you want to push them toward intent, purpose, betterment, and a drive they just might not share with you. Ask them questions about what they need from you. If it’s a break, use that time to complete your work and don’t worry that your kids are playing with mud or getting to the next level of a video game. It’s okay to be you and get shit done, while your kids get lost in their own worlds. Your superpower is your soft heart, so use it to have cuddle time, lots of deep talks, hugs, and reassurance that you’re there and you love your kiddos (of any age) fiercely. They need this so much right now, and Eights love like heroes.
Type 9: Quarantine with kids for a Nine will probably feel nice for a while, until it doesn’t. Allow yourself space for this progression to happen. Soak in the wonderfulness of being together, all the family time and experiences that you’re experiencing anew. Also allow yourself space for those kids to start to get on your nerves, ramp up your anxiety, and make you want to bust a hole in the wall and escape. Like the mantra of a Nine, it’s all okay. Where you’ll thrive during quarantine is one-on-one peacemaking/harmony. Focus your gifts on having chats with each child individually (again, any age) and really soak in their perspective, lending them your calm and understanding wherever they are. You’ll want to refrain from trying to be a group peacemaker in this instance, though. Tensions will run high at moments, and while you can understand everyone’s perspective, they might not. Accept that fights will happen and that conflict is inevitable. If it gets too much, ask a partner or other caregiver to step in so you can retreat and get some air. Take care of your body with exercise, healthy food whenever possible, and if you have a tele-therapist, utilize them to make sure you’re paying attention to YOU. Additionally, if you’re working from home, ask your partner or a co-worker to prioritize the day’s work tasks for you so that you don’t get too caught up in family life; your job still needs to get done.
During this uncertain season, when none of us know quite what to do or how to feel, let’s turn our attention to positivity as best we can. What can we offer each other in our homes, in Zoom meetings, on FaceTime calls, or in the flurry of texts and emails that we’ll be sending in the coming days? Here are a few examples of the gifts each Enneagram Type brings to the table in times of crisis:
Type 1: Bravery, Attention to Detail, Order, Tenderness
Type 2: Empathy, Plausible Solutions, Grit, Boundaries
Type 3: Action, Resources, Authenticity, Cooperation
Type 4: Non-Judgment, Depth, Space, Vitality
Type 5: Wise Insight, Attention, Leadership, Courage
Type 6: Connectivity, Vulnerability, Endurance, Adaptability
Type 7: Ferocity, Goodwill, Warmth, Intelligence
Type 8: Protection, True Care, Soul, Character
Type 9: Calm, Understanding, Reconciliation, Goal-Setting
Hello again, Enneagram Paths friends. We are in interesting times, for sure. With the spread of a disease that’s shutting down states and countries across the globe, it’s more important than ever to spread love, care, patience, and self-awareness whenever possible. Take a moment and pause before reading on. Notice your body. Notice the sounds around you. Notice your feelings. Send love to all of these spaces and places.
You have permission to feel and think and say what you need to with close friends and family. Share your fear where it’s safe. Calm those that need it. Love one another. Find information from verified sources. It’s okay to be shaky, it’s okay to be fine. We’re here together.
Here, in this space together, I want to share a brief word on Subtypes and why they are significant during trying times. What are Enneagram Subtypes? In essence, each of the 9 Enneatypes breaks down further into 27 subtypes. Each type has a dominant Self-Preservation (Sp) instinct for survival, a Sexual/One-on-One (Sx) instinct for survival, or a Social Instinct (SI) for survival. I hope you catch the similar phrasing because it’s key for right now. Today, tomorrow, and in the days ahead, we’re all going to be facing situations that trigger our lizard brains and our basic human-animal need to survive.
“[The] limbic system of the brain has been implicated as the seat of emotion, addiction, mood, and lots of other mental and emotional processes. It is the part of the brain that is phylogenetically very primitive. Many people call it “The Lizard Brain” because the limbic system is about all a lizard has for brain function. It is in charge of fight, flight, feeding, fear, freezing-up, and fornication.” (Your Lizard Brain, Joseph Troncale, M.D. Psychology Today)
As you deal with disruptions, fear, change, uncertainty, isolation, or being in close quarters with loved ones for an extended period of time, you should expect your survival mechanisms to kick in. Make space for these tendencies to emerge and treat them with loving-kindness; they are only trying to help you.
But are your dominant Subtype tendencies actually going to help? This is where awareness comes in.
The wonderful thing that separates humans from animals is the ability to be aware of what we’re doing. Therefore, we can notice when our dominant Subtype begins to be triggered and lovingly ask ourselves, “How can I invite in different energy? Is this reaction truly good for me, or can I pause, and then choose something that would work better?”
In the coming weeks, I will be sharing blogs on all the 27 Subtypes, but for today read over the descriptions below and see if you can rank your survival mechanisms. What is the most dominant? What is the least? How can you grow in your less dominant areas? What are some ways that your normal triggered responses harm rather than help? What can you do to shift these patterns?
Self-Preservation: People with a Self-Preservation Subtype find that their attention and behavior are directed on procuring physical safety, resources, and comfort. They focus their energy on making sure they have shelter, food, clothing, money, and health—both for themselves and those closest to them. Self-Preservation Subtypes avoid danger if possible and try to maintain structure in work and daily living. They work hard to secure their future by thinking through plans, highlighting goals, and aligning with others who will be safe and dependable during emergencies or times of need.
Social: People with a Social subtype are usually concerned about the health and well-being of the social circle they find themselves in. They are also focused on finding and maintaining a good place within that particular tribe. Survival of the community is directly tied to the survival of the individual in their minds, and so they work for the flourishing of the whole. Their attention will be focused on belonging, relationships, and recognition, and they will feel threatened by anything that jeopardizes their role in society.
Sexual or One-to-One Bonding: This subtype’s behavior and attention are concerned with anything that has to do with the quality of a relationship with a specific individual. They are person-to-person focused — which makes sense if you think about how much effort it has taken from an evolutionary standpoint to procure a mate. Mating is the way we survive, though a Sexual subtype is not all about sex. This Subtype is also concerned with intimate friends and knowing key and influential people. They will have a longing to create connection, warmth, and intimacy with another person as a means of security.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Enneagram Paths! Today, we have an interview with Sheila Hozhabri, a digital marketing powerhouse, to talk about her experiences as an Enneagram Type Eight.
Let’s take a quick look at the description of a Type Eight by Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, whose new book, Whole Identity, outlines a brain-based take on the Enneagram. It’s fascinating! Click on the book title to check out his entire site and grab a copy of this groundbreaking Enneagram theory for yourself!
Dr. Lubbe uses the term ‘Disruption’ to summarize Type Eights. Of Eights, he says, “The innate human capacity reflected in [Eight] nature is the energy of disruption. What [Eight] nature seeks and is motivated by is autonomy. [Their] primary style of engagement is action. Positive limbic attachments reinforce a sense of being in control and self-sufficient. Negative limbic attachments are triggered fastest by dominance or oppression. When overwhelmed, fatigue expresses as panic. The primary and practical application for [Eight] nature is to breathe and practice stillness. The healthy [Eight] nature in each of us is the most gifted at modeling our human capacity for growth.” (Whole Identity, Dr. Jerome D. Lubbe, pg. 54)
Thanks, Sheila, for being here today and sharing with us what it means for you to live life as an Enneagram Eight!
Sheila Hozhabri
1. In what ways do you use your Type Eight easy access to anger for good? This is a difficult one. I’m not sure I’ve fully honed in on how to use it for good, but I’d say standing up for those who can’t/won’t stand up for themselves. What are some healthy outlets (when not saving the world or protecting others) for your anger? The most healthy outlet I’ve found for my anger is boxing! I started doing it over a year ago and I can’t say enough about what a positive impact it’s had on my life. The best way I can describe it is that it exhausts me, and pours water over the anger flames.
2. What do Eights look for in others? What do we have to live up to? Where do we fall short? Loyalty. I don’t let a lot of people in, and definitely not quickly, but I am a good judge of character. Everyone I meet is living up to how I’ve judged them. If they fall short of my expectations, I can take it personally, and question my judgement. I’ve been learning to grow and accept people in my life when they fall short, but a big hurdle for me is betrayal. That one is hard to get over.
3. What are three things you wished people understood about Eights? We’re very emotional and loving people. We’re not always angry. We’ll be your Ride-Or-Die for life—if you don’t let us down!
4. Do you have any spiritual practices and does your Enneagram number influence what you’re drawn to spiritually? No spiritual practices, but I have gotten into meditation over the past year. Honestly, boxing has become my spiritual practice!
5. What happens to your closest relationship when you move in Stress to your Arrow of Type Five? In stress, I shut people out to protect myself and my heart. I feel like I need to deal with stressful things on my own, so it’s difficult for me to let others in to help me deal. What happens to your closest relationships when you move in Health/Integration to your Arrow of Type Two? I am more open, vulnerable, and forgiving. I feel like an enlightened floating yogi, who can take on the worries/stresses/concerns of those around me and help them find the grace to deal—because I’m in a graceful place myself.
6. Speak about what it’s like to be in the Body Triad. How does your body absorb and process the daily life of your existence? For a long time I felt like I had a ball of anger in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes it would get bigger, other times smaller. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, so I need to get massages regularly! HaHa. I’ve become a huge fan of box breathing to help release some of what has been absorbed. And of course, the boxing helps release that, as well. I can happily say that the ball of anger feels very controlled and small thanks to these techniques.
7. What do you love about your number? What do you dislike about your number? I didn’t realize that so many people have an issue saying ‘no’, it’s something I’ve never struggled with. Then, I figured out that it’s a trait of being a Type Eight, and I just LOVED that. I dislike the anger aspect of being an Eight, and how what I consider to be regular expression can be miss-interpreted as anger. (Melissa: This is big. Take note. Many Eights don’t feel or see the anger they express. For them, it’s just regular talking/communication. Sometimes, it’s not actual anger, but energy or bluntness and Eights can feel grossly misunderstood.)
8. What do you think would happen if you were to let the soft, loving, vulnerable side of your heart be known to the world at large? For most of my life, I would have said that I would get taken advantage of or be left upset/heartbroken because showing that side of me is revealing my weakness. I just found out about a year ago that I had difficulty with vulnerability, and it took me a while to even figure out what being vulnerable means and how to practice it. I’m currently reading Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” which has opened up my eyes and heart to fully understanding vulnerability and shame and how being vulnerable isn’t a weakness.
9. What is your advice for parents of Type Eight (presenting) children? Know that what is perceived as anger probably isn’t. As a kid, I would usually shut down when I got really angry. Avoid “calm down” or “Don’t get so mad/upset”. Instead, acknowledge that the child is feeling an emotion and help them walk through it. That might look like going for a walk, taking deep breaths, or being silent until they can form their thoughts clearly before talking about what’s wrong.
10. What do the words yield, affection, and empowerment mean to you these days?Yield – Breathe. Don’t be trigger happy. Take a minute. Take breaths. Form your words and then speak/react. Affection – Speak how you’re feeling (good or bad), because closing yourself off is only hurting you in the long run. Empowerment – You don’t always have to carry the burden of the load. You can also trust others not to drop it.
Sheila is a digital marketing powerhouse who has been responsible for managing several successful digital platforms for pop artists. She is a driven, creative professional who is destined for a long, dynamic career in the entertainment industry. Sheila developed at love for the music industry in her teens and moved to Nashville to attend Belmont University in 2002. While at Belmont, she took a Comparative Spirituality and World Religions class where she first learned about the Enneagram. Upon graduating from Belmont, Sheila worked in artist management for 3 years before moving to London to get her masters at the University of London. In 2013, Sheila moved to Los Angeles and began working for a digital marketing company handling digital marketing strategy for major pop acts.
Type Ones are in the Body Triad, the Compliant Stance, and their Time Orientation is the Present. When healthy, Ones are are dependable, sincere, grounded, spontaneous, and joyful. Ones have a built-in desire to improve the world, and work hard at doing so with integrity and an unshakable inner compass. Their innate sense of the natural order of things leads them to be wise advisors; accepting others who are on their own, unique paths. Healthy Ones live with mystical-like wisdom and inward peace. They also know how to laugh and engage in activities that refuel their energy and sense of play.
People are transformative entities, always in motion, not robots that act in restrictive boxes. Therefore, the descriptions below will not describe someone fully. Nor will a person ever seem completely integrated or disintegrated. One can cycle through the spectrum of healthy/unhealthy levels in a day. In an hour even! And…keep in mind, both 1w9 and 1w2 go to Type Four in Disintegration and Type Seven in Integration, but the shades of how this looks will vary. And then there are Subtypes! Ha!
The Enneagram….always more complex and nuanced then we realize. Much like us human beings. Check out my list of Enneagram Resources for further investigation.
Type One with a Nine Wing (1w9)
Healthy: In health, 1w9s take on a shade of the big-picture thinking common in Type Nines. They care more about the state of the world and the consummate circumstances for people living in it. They can be very understanding of others and tolerant of differences, like a Type Nine. They lead by example, using their actions and life to show what they believe to be ideal, not imposing sharp criticisms on their fellow humans. They are loyal friends who care deeply about those they allow into their lives, also often soliciting the advice of these trusted loved ones in tricky situations. They have more of an ability to relax and let go, silencing the inner critic for a bit, so that their minds, bodies, and hearts can get some rest. Their manner of speaking will be be more warm and less direct. The Type Nine energy softens the intensity of their gaze and the set of their mouth. Instead of needing to have everything exist within strict guidelines, they allow certain areas of their life to simply flow.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, 1w9s turns off their body and mind more, disassociating themselves from critical thoughts, hard emotions, and unpleasant bodily sensations. They numb with things like TV, food, or alcohol. Stressed 1w9s can begin to get stuck on how much others seem to be messing around and making mistakes. They become tired and exhausted of all the work they “perceive” they’re doing for other people and the world, and give up. They metaphorically throw their hands in the air and declare the whole thing a wash. Disenchanted virtuousness becomes an excuse for all kinds of escapes; they can slack off at work, detach from important relationships and isolate themselves in order to lessen the intensity of their disappointment.
Type One with a Two Wing (1w2)
Healthy: In health, 1w2s are more in touch with their Heart Center. They have a greater access to the full range of their emotions and do much less repressing of traditionally undesirable feelings like anger or sadness. 1w2s use their incredible ability to find workable solutions to help others. They are softer and more empathetic as they come alongside those in need, knowing that they are doing the right thing by caring. But their help is boundaried, not invasive. They work for the greater good with sensitivity and a warm love. Their personal relationships take on a determined connectivity that isn’t found as much in 1w9s, and they purposefully engage in self-love and self-care, considering their own needs as much as others.
Unhealthy: In lower levels, or when stressed, the 1w2’s need to help becomes presumptuous; they feel they know the right thing to do in any situation. Their internal sense of righteousness (black and white thinking) gets tangled up in an unhealthy self-image of the savior. Their role is almost deified, in their own minds, as if they and God alone are in charge. If someone does not allow them to step in and fix what’s wrong, 1w2’s may take on a shade of the lower side of Type Two and vocalize their “perceived” unjust treatment through whining or complaining. They feel undervalued and unappreciated for their valiant efforts to change your life, and the world, for the better. They then martyr themselves, loudly and profusely, to such an extent that others either have to exit the relationship or take a break for a while.
